Survivor Update #3: Austin & Miles

[00:00:00] Suicide Attempts and my depression, my anxiety, it's a miracle to see that I'm still here. I can't find a reason to like want to live. I think that's it. That's my problem.

[00:00:51] We're not very good at it. So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors in large part to help more people in more places hopefully feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. Now, if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Our email is hello at suicidenoted.com and I would absolutely love to hear from you. And if that's not your jam, we have a listeners meeting. Listeners meeting number two for our fantastic audience. On

[00:01:20] Sunday, April 27th at 2pm Eastern. Check the show notes for that information. Let's meet one another. In those show notes, you can also learn more about this podcast, including our membership, the Noted Network, which is primarily where we help podcasters launch a podcast. And of course, in Spotify, you will also see a poll. Kind of a newer thing I'm doing. I would love to hear from you and get your thoughts, your ideas, your opinions.

[00:01:48] Finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast and my guests and I don't typically hold back. So please take that into account before you listen or as you listen. But I do hope you listen because there's so much to learn. Today, I am talking with both Austin and Miles. This is a survivor update. I originally spoke with Austin in 2021. He's episode 59 and Miles in 2022, episode 110.

[00:02:15] So if you want to have a listen. They are of course, both suicide attempt survivors. And I hope you enjoy our conversation. Austin. Hey, hey. How's it going? You look different, bro. Yeah, it's different. Cool. And then we got Miles. What's up, Miles? Hello. We first spoke, I believe in 2022. I think so. Yeah, a couple years ago. And Austin is in Washington. I'm in Montana now.

[00:02:41] Oh, okay. When we originally talked, it was 2021. I remember you were talking with your mom in the state of Washington. I remember that you were into tractors. When we first talked, you were in one space and I don't know if you were suicidal, but we were struggling for sure. Yeah. Were you at all limited by how open you wanted to be with your mom there? Because I would be. Yeah.

[00:03:07] Let me ask you a couple of questions. Then you can give us an overview of what life has been like. Do you remember if you ever actually listened to our conversation? I did. And a lot of my family did as well. Do you remember how that felt to hear that and to share it with others? I guess anxiety ridden a little bit because my whole family, like a lot of my family will listen to it. And I was like, oh boy. Yeah. Did they have, was there any additional conversation that our conversation brought about? No.

[00:03:37] No. All right. So nobody really addressed it with you. They just heard it and that was it. A lot of my family knew that I was struggling because my mom updated everybody, you know, so everyone knew. So when they listened to it, they just kind of, that was that. That was that. Yeah. And so when we first talked in 2021 till today, what's life been like? Crazy. In a good way. Crazy in a good way. Tell us what, what's been going on.

[00:04:05] Well, I moved to Montana in 2023. Okay. We sold our house in March, moved here to Montana. We, I have, I'm part of a family business. I'm doing heating and air conditioning. So it's me, my brother, my mom, and my dad, and another guy that works with us. And we're doing like two, a commercial job in town. We got like a $1.5 million contract starting in April. And it's just been wild. I've been doing stuff with my church. I've been doing

[00:04:34] worship at my church. And it's just been crazy. So crazy good? Crazy good. Yeah. No crazy bad? No, no. Since we talked, have you been suicidal? I haven't been suicidal, but I think about it. I mean, not all the time, but I, you know, those thoughts are still there, but it's different now because I would never act on it. You would not? Uh-uh. And my mom and my family have kind of drawn this conclusion. It makes sense. My brother has a kid. He's three years old. His name is Hunter. And he is the

[00:05:04] joy of my world. Like me and him are like best friends. And my mom and my sister-in-law and my brother have actually said, you know, I think him being born in the world saved you. And that's a possibility because me and him are so much alike. He loves heavy equipment like I do. Loves it. He's just a wild child. Do you know that when we first talked, I asked a bunch of questions, but a couple of things have come up over the years that I've continued to do this that I don't think I asked you.

[00:05:33] So I'm going to go back and ask you a couple of questions that I never had the chance to because I wasn't asking them. The pink and purple pill is essentially, I give you this pill and if you take it, you go to sleep, you don't wake up, there's no pain and nobody knows it's a suicide. It's an easy, safe way out of this world if you take it. I'd asked you in 2021, what would you do if I gave you that pill? Do you know what you might've said? I probably would've taken it. Yeah. Back then. Yeah. As we talk in January of 2025, now in Montana, I'm still at my kitchen table in North Carolina,

[00:06:03] by the way, what would you do with the pill now? Not take it. Not take it. Memoir title, Austin. Now this is a tough one because usually I'm the one pitching the ideas for the memoir titles. Now this isn't a memoir or a book you may ever write, but I love the title. So I'm putting you on the spot here. Do you have any idea what your memoir title would be? Can it just be one word? Ooh, one word memoir title? Let's do it. Probably miracle because I feel like that's my story in a nutshell.

[00:06:32] Miracle. Yeah. I don't know if my mom shared with you when we were talking, but I was a preemie when I was born. I was one pound eight ounce when I was born. And then my suicide attempts and my depression, my anxiety, it's a miracle to see that I'm still here. My mom tells me all the time, the doctor said, there could have been a lot wrong with you. You could never watch, could never talk. And here I am. Yeah. When we first talked, you had shared, like, I don't recall, was it one or more than one attempt?

[00:06:59] Like four. Four attempts back when you were a teenager? Again, I don't remember that part, like that far back. It was just probably a good thing. And what, tell me about, now the audience won't see this, but you got a different vibe. You got the cool black rimmed glasses. I think your hair is a little shorter. You're a little scruffy. Are you like embracing the tractor man role? But you're not even a tractor man, but you're really

[00:07:26] like, you're doing the other business now. Yeah. I get to run heavy equipment once in a while. Flack the Plus. Every time there's heavy equipment, my brother's like, get on it. I'm like, okay. I remember last when we talked, I said one of my coping skills was driving a tractor. Last when we talked, it wasn't actually a tractor. It was a lawnmower. But I don't know if you can see right behind me this picture. That's my tractor. You got a tractor. It was my grandpa's actually.

[00:07:49] He passed away about two years ago and it's a little Kubota and it has like a front loader on the front and a back on the back. And my grandma's like, Austin, take it to Montana. So I took it to Montana, did a storage unit. I've done a couple of gas lines with it at the job sites, plugged my brother's driveway with it. Now, just to be clear, you did not drive the tractor from Washington to Montana. No, that would be a lawnmower. Now, Miles, weren't you into mechanical

[00:08:15] things too? Yeah, I built lawnmowers. Oh, that is cool. All right. Miles and Austin, you can have your lawnmower talk. But after we get through the other stuff, I'm going to start a podcast just for suicide attempt survivors who are really into lawnmowers and maybe tractors. That's it. I love that. Austin, tell me this other than the tractors and the move and the business and your nephew, I believe, and the church. And those are a lot of things. Is there

[00:08:42] anything else that's been helping you over this time? Just embracing God's creation, just embracing the nature. Compared to Washington, like Washington was filled with a bunch of homeless people and like it was just wild. We had to get out. I mean, there is some of that here, but not like it was where I was from. So the environment's helping. Extremely. Is there anything on the sort of doctor medicine medication side that you've been doing that's

[00:09:08] helpful? No, I'm actually on just vitamins now. I got all off on my medication. I'm not on any medication anymore. Wow. Yeah. That's interesting. I guess you just got to find what works for you. Yeah, for sure. But it's not always easy. We know. No, that is the truth. Like I said, I think about it like it comes in spurts. But again, I would never do it again. You know what I mean? Because then when I get in that mindset, I start thinking about my nephew, my mom, my dad, you know what I mean? And I'm just like,

[00:09:37] I couldn't. So I know we can't, we don't have a crystal ball, but when you say you would never, you think, do you think you're going to die a natural death? And when I say that, I mean, people might not like this, but if we put suicide in the category of, let's say unnatural, you won't be dying that way. No. What are you, 21? I'm going to be 21 here in a couple of weeks, actually. So you got a life ahead of you. Yeah. Miles, so I think you are in the same place where we first spoke, I believe, right? Bedroom?

[00:10:07] My bedroom. It's cold. It's cold in Michigan, right? We first talked in 2022. Do you remember when the podcast episode came out if you listened? I did. It took me a little while to listen. And I actually just re-listened to it right before I reached out to you. And that's what decided, like, I was like, okay, I'm going to reach out again. And it was weird because it was the beginning of my transition when I started testosterone. So my voice was really high. I was like cringing at the high voice.

[00:10:37] Interesting. So it's not, it's hard for most people to hear their voices, but you had another reason. Yeah. How many suicide attempts had you had then? I had two. Two shitty attempts is what I call them. Why did you call them shitty attempts? Because they were impulsive. I didn't think them through. And I think what happened is, I look back now and it was like, I think it was like undiagnosed and unmedicated, like bipolar disorder. And I was like manic and I was under the influence of alcohol both times.

[00:11:05] So that like depressed, like my system and stuff like that. And then that's like the perfect storm for an attempt. And you tried twice. Have you tried since? No, but I've had like a lot of plans, which I think have been like almost like worse than my other attempts because like, like I'm writing letters, like planning to go, stuff like that. It's like more damaging to like your psyche, I feel like. So the ideating's been there for, since we talked?

[00:11:34] Yeah. Yeah. It's actually, you caught me in like a depressive episode. So I'm like ideating a lot right now and stuff. So it's like, it kind of sucks. But I wonder if you weren't in that space, you would have looked for the podcast and then reached out to talk, you know, like where are people at when they look for it and then reach out and then show up and then give me permission to publish it, which you did. Do you regret it at all? No. Because you just recently listened back. Did you hear anything and like beyond like voiced stuff and

[00:12:03] you're like cringy, like what the fuck? Yeah. I think it was like how I told my story. Like I summed it up really like quickly. I don't know. I was just like, there's more going on than just me being impulsive. Like I was like, I was depressed and I was like having ups and downs and stuff like that. Did anyone else hear about, hear the episode? Yeah. I actually, um, when I re-listened to it like a couple of weeks ago, I posted it on my story and I was like, who remembers this? Cause I posted it a little like right when I did it,

[00:12:30] here you go. And then I got like a lot of like support. Like that seems to be like a common theme in my life. Like I have a lot of support through like my family and my friends, which I feel like makes it harder for me because like everything that's going on is internal. And I liked, I have all the support, but I'm still struggling, but I have a lot of support, which I appreciate. Because it's specifically social media. Were there any weird comments? No. Cause it was just my friends. It was like limited. Right, right, right. Cause if you do, you never know what you're going to get,

[00:12:59] people get a little with this stuff. Yeah. You said that you were bipolar and you were drinking and so did you get treatment that's been helpful? Yeah. It's helpful when I take my meds. I missed like a period of taking my meds like three weeks ago. And I think that's what caused the up and the down right now. So that's why I'm struggling. But I think, I think it helps a little bit when I take my meds. Yeah. We didn't ever, we never got to pink and purple or memoir, right?

[00:13:29] That was before I started seeing that. So it's, I'm doing it. You know what the pink and purple is? I mentioned it to Austin and you hear the podcast. So if you had that quick and easy and painless and whatever other way to end your life, what would you do then? And what would you do now? Maybe. Back then, I think I would have saved it until I got like bad again. And like right now I feel like, I feel like I take it. Oh, I'm catching you then. Okay. What's the difference between then and now that then you

[00:13:57] wouldn't have taken it and now you might take it? I don't know. I think really right now, like I just kind of, it's new that I got the diagnosis of bipolar. So now like I'm like dealing with the fact that this is like a lifelong thing. Like forever, I'm going to have ups and downs no matter what. And I'm like, I really don't think I can do that for the rest of my life. So that's a tough one, man. Yeah. How old are you now? 22. Is anything else in your life change in terms of let's say like work relationships?

[00:14:24] Yeah, I got a, I'm not building lawnmowers anymore. I'm at a hardware store and still coaching gymnastics though. That was the polar opposite thing. Yeah. What? What? Yeah, so I'm coaching. I've been like pursuing that more. I'm trying to be a flight attendant. I'm trying to find a career and I might be a flight attendant. So I don't know though. Actually, my job interview is in North Carolina. Really? Yeah. So that's where I'd be stationed. So I don't Asheville airport that near you.

[00:14:49] Oh, Asheville is beautiful. Okay. So that's something. Miles, you know, you got the thing and you got the lawnmower and you got the gymnastics and you got this and that up in Michigan. Putting you on the spot here, like memoir title. What do we got? I think everything happens for a reason. I think I need more. I don't know how these work. Like, what is it exactly? Like, is it like a sum of your life?

[00:15:13] No, either miles. All right. All right. Let me do this. Now I may ask you both to contemplate this. It's a little unfair. What's the subtitle? Those tend to be a little bit longer. You know how it's just like the title is a man's dream. And then the subtitle is how one person who was left for dead found a way to climb back and thrive. You know, like the subtitle is like a little bit longer. It's like a full sentence. Anyway, you can explore those if you want.

[00:15:41] All right. So what else, Miles? What else did you want to share? I'm going to come back to you, Austin, and ask the same question with me and whoever hears this about you, what you went through, what you've been going through? Things have seemed like since we've talked, things have like gotten like worse. I feel like I was listening to the updates of like the other guest update and like, I think his name was Zach and he was like doing like great. And I was like, that's why I envisioned like myself, like being

[00:16:07] like, like once I talked, like the hardship was over and then I just like, it got better and then I'd be good. I'd be on my way. Right. That's just not what happened. Like I've gone to like a couple of partial hospitalization programs. I'm not sure if you're familiar with those. It's like you go to therapy camp for like seven hours a day, you talk in group, you do stuff like that. It's like partial hospitalization. So you're not like living there. I don't know. Those seem to help

[00:16:33] though. I don't, my theme is like, I can't find like a reason to like want to live. That's my issue. I think that's it. That's my problem. I do think when I ask former guests to come back, I am pretty sure that those people who feel like they're doing better are more likely to say, I want an update, you know? So, but you're not that person. And I wasn't expecting one way or the

[00:16:59] other. I think I just want people to be honest. And I think in real life, not everybody always gets better. We know that's true. So I appreciate you sharing that. It's probably an easier thing to say things are good, but that's the shit you have to probably say most of your life to most people just to get through the fucking day. Yeah. What's yours? Things are fine. What's your, what's your go-to quick little leave me alone. I'm going to say what you need to hear type of statement. Things are good. Yeah. I'm good. How are you? Yeah. Things are good. Yeah. I'm good.

[00:17:29] How are you doing? Yeah. Same. Yeah. I'm fine. Fine. Works. It does the job. Yeah. You fine. You good? I'm good. Good. What's new? Not too much. Great. I can't realize that everybody's asking you how you're doing. It's a long detailed, super honest convo. I get it. But I think that all that shit we all do, I certainly do with the, I'm fine. I'm fine. I think

[00:17:53] that takes a toll. No? It's got to. Austin, what else did you want to share? Sort of more of an open-ended thing about then or now that that didn't come up? It's just been a wild ride. I've picked up a couple new hobbies since I've been here besides the tractor. Picked up a couple new hobbies. And it's just been doing worship at my church. That was fun. On Christmas, I did 10, 10 services

[00:18:19] I had to sing at. If I knew then what I knew now, I'd probably do it again, if I'm being honest. If you knew then what you know now, you'd go through the same thoughts. I would, because I know what the end result is now. It's been wild is also not a bad memoir title. Just saying. What does it feel like, Miles, to hear somebody who was also suicidal, but now they're doing well? And that doesn't sound like it applies to you. Mixed emotions. It feels good

[00:18:48] that they're doing good. And it gives me a little bit of hope that that could happen. But it's also a little defeating. It's like, man, why can't I be like that? I compare all the time. Same. Yeah, I get that. I'm in the same boat. I still have trouble with comparing. I get it. I think it's, I think it might be just part of the human condition for many people. Maybe social media makes it even like comparing on crack because it's like, what the fuck? Non-stop,

[00:19:14] all that stuff. Uh-huh. Austin, how did you like get into your fate? Because I've been trying to explore that, but I have no idea how to even, you know, get into that. I've always believed in something. I've always believed in something. But back in Washington, I went to a church and I never grew up going to church. When I did those suicide attempts, you know what I mean? That it wasn't working. I needed something else. Me and my family have always believed, but we went to that church

[00:19:41] and we fell in love. And then I got baptized at that church in Washington. And then when I moved up here, I guess you got to be ready on your own time, I guess, is what I'm getting at. And then it's hard and it's not easy. Faith in God is really extensive to a lot of people and I understand that. And, you know, it's just on your own time and whenever you're ready and you got to wait, you know, God opens the door for you. And when he's there waiting for you, so when you're ready

[00:20:08] to get into it, then he's right there waiting for you. Thank you. Yeah, of course. Don, how are you? How are you doing? Thank you for asking that. I'm doing all right. I struggle, man. I struggle. I listened to the podcast about your friend. I'm sorry about that. Yeah, that was a long, long time ago. Thanks for listening. But yeah, I'm really glad the podcast is chugging along. Hey, still bald, still sleeveless. I'm balding too, Sean. So yeah.

[00:20:36] All right. So you all are in your early 20s and you know the pain. So the big question one day, if you want to take this plunge is if you ever want to do what I do when I was like in my, I was like 30 or 31 when I shaved it. Not everybody has the right head for that. I'm very self-conscious if I do it because I have a shunt in my head. I'm the guy that doesn't like to like answer questions. You know, people are nosy and I feel like I have to answer that 10,000

[00:21:02] times going down the street or going to the store or whatever. And I don't want to answer. You got it. Miles, you said you have shaved already? I didn't look good. My sister said I look like a potato. I don't think people want to look like, but you didn't shave it to the scalp. It was like a crew cut. Yeah. Yeah. It had some hair left. Like it wasn't bald bald. Yeah. No, that would be more monkish maybe. I didn't look like a monk. That'd be pretty funny. Asian monk. And Asian monk. Potato monk. Potato monk. That's a memoir title. Okay. I'm changing it.

[00:21:32] Who's not reading that? Yeah. Everyone would read that. Come on. Now there's no words, so there's nothing to read, but just the title. But nonetheless, it would be enticing. Yes. Very. Miles, how did you get into building lawnmowers? Here we go. So I summed it up and just said lawnmowers because people didn't know like what I was building because I didn't really know what I was building, but it's like aerators, log splitters, like stump grinders, stuff like that. That's what I was building. Oh, sweet.

[00:21:57] And my neighbor works for the company. And then I was like, I need a job. And he was like, just come work for me. So I was on an assembly line, just building parts. It was pretty fun. I like Bob the Builder. That sounds awesome. Yeah. Think about that job often. I go back, maybe. Yeah. It sounds cool. Sounds like some of my alley. But unfortunately, well, not unfortunately, it's a blessing. I'm doing HVAC now. Definitely not my career choice, but it's a blessing.

[00:22:24] Are a couple more questions for both of you. Since we talked, and I don't remember what you originally said, are there any like other myths or misconceptions around any of this stuff that you want to call bullshit on? Because that's certainly something given what you've gone through since we talked that could have changed or maybe you have an additional one. Let's start with Miles. Yeah. I said this last time and I stuck by it, the selfishness. Even if it is selfish, sometimes you have to be a little selfish. I feel like if you're in that headspace,

[00:22:54] you're not thinking, oh, I'm going to do this to hurt this person. You're doing it because you think it's the best option or like ever for yourself and everyone around you. I feel like in the realm of like faith, I feel like people were to think you were to go to hell. And I mean, I disagree with that. God can forgive that. I mean, even though it's a sin, all sins are forgivable. Doesn't mean if you end your own life and that was the last act you did on earth, doesn't mean you're going to go to hell. And I feel like a lot

[00:23:22] of people in faith believe that. I mean, I guess, I mean, I don't believe that because you can be, you can be redeemed. That's the, yes, in my opinion, that people would think you're going to hell. That's such an interesting one because... It's a really tough, it's a really tough subject because I feel like when people say you're going to hell and people feel like that, I feel like that scares the person. They just like feel like stupid when you throw that out. Are you going to go to hell?

[00:23:51] I may have asked this originally, and I don't know why this fascinates me so much, but like for either of you, does anyone know we're talking? No, not right now, but I'll tell people about it. It's a way to like talk to them about suicide without directly talking to them about suicide. What are you, Austin? Do you have to tell your parents or your mom or your friends or... You know, it's funny. I have friends, but my parents and my family say I'm an old soul.

[00:24:19] Like my friends are like my dad's age. Like I don't really, like my generation, I don't know. It's tough. People in my generation are mean. Like I have a friend, it's one of our contractors. He's like 48 years old. Me and him are like best friends. Yeah, it's hard to make those connections. But yes, people do know that we're talking. My mom knows, my brother knows, my aunt knows, my dad knows. Do you have any specific goals for 2025? I was going to say resolutions. I hate that word.

[00:24:48] And I know, Austin, you're in a different space than Miles, but I want to ask the same question. So Austin, do you have any specific goals for 2025? Our goal is to get property and have like a family compound and have acreage and kind of like do like a homestead type thing. But my personal goal, I want to stay with the family business. And I, my brother, I'm going to service school in about a couple of weeks. I'm going to be being my brother's service technician. So I'm going to be going around, starting up the unit. It's going to have my own little Ford transit van. I'm going to be going around,

[00:25:16] starting up the unit, wiring up the unit, putting refrigerant in. So I'm excited about that. All right. That's awesome. Now, Miles, I know you mentioned something about applying to be a flight attendant. So I imagine that's maybe one thing, but what else, if anything? Find like some sort of happiness or like some stability, maybe, you know, make it through the year, like basic survival mode goals. Do you have any fear that like somehow with a very unlikely

[00:25:41] chance that someone from the airline stumbles across this podcast, here's you. Does that worry you? I worry about the public nature of things and how it unfairly, I would say affects people's lives, livelihoods. Yeah, I think that could be because I got denied from one of the airlines. I feel like it could have been because of my social media and I've posted about mental health stuff. That could have been one of the reasons because I can't really, because I can't tell you why they denied you. But so I'm like, I'm worried about it, but I'm like, if you really like, I do struggle with it.

[00:26:11] It's not a secret. So I don't want it to be a secret. So I just, whatever happens, happens. Whatever happens, happens. Not as good as Potato Monk. I was going to say Potato Monk is way better. Potato Monk is an app is a winner. It's superior. Come on. All right. What else would either of you like to share? I really appreciate talking and catching up with both of you. I want to know your thoughts on this. I learned this in therapy camp from one of the facilitators.

[00:26:37] He said that being suicidal is like a coping mechanism. Like it's a way to cope with your reality and like remove yourself from reality and like fantasize about other stuff. And I was like, for me, it makes sense. That makes sense. I think it might be not a complete idea. So I think there's people who are suicidal and who try, and it's not just about fantasy. I think they actually really do want to

[00:27:02] die. So I don't know if that overlaps with the idea of fantasy. It might. I do understand though, and this is just personally like having, even if it's like a super passive, but it's there, it's a possibility. It's always a, yeah, I could see that being one way to cope for sure. Yeah, man, it's complicated. Well, at least I think it is. Maybe it's pretty simple. No, Austin, anything else before we get back to our lives? You in Montana, miles in Michigan,

[00:27:31] me in North Carolina, and it's cold all around. I'm sure. What else, sir? Nothing. I appreciate you letting me come on here and update you. I am very grateful that you were patient and we're finally doing this. And I also really appreciate you being open to doing it with another human here, because that does change the dynamic a little bit. I'm always thinking like, you add another person, are people a little less honest? Wow. Maybe we'll update again. Yeah, that'd be cool.

[00:28:00] You got to stay alive. Now I'm not telling you what to do. It's not how I roll. I make your choices. I believe in agency. I believe in choice, but, and I hope you keep listening. If it's giving you any value, you know, it's another question I want to ask people. It's like, I'm pretty sure there's a good number of people for whatever their reasons are that don't want to listen, don't need to listen. You know, there was a time in their life, there was something that gave them, but no more. And again, those are probably not the people who are going to even reach out to update because how would they even know? So thanks guys very much. I appreciate you.

[00:28:29] Thank you. Thank you, Sean. Stay well. As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support and special thanks to both Austin and Miles for joining me here again for their survivor update. Thank you both. If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you would like to talk, whether it is an update or you're new to this, please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com. I'd love to hear from you. You can check the show notes to learn more about this podcast, all kinds of stuff, including our membership and the Noted

[00:28:59] Network. I appreciate your support. I appreciate you listening. I appreciate you. And that is all for episode number 262. Stay strong, do the best you can. I will talk to you soon.