Silja in Finland 🇫🇮

[00:00:00] Don't be angry with someone who is in pain.

[00:00:40] We do talk about it. Many of us, including me, we are not very good at it. So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors.

[00:00:50] Now, one of the other goals is to help more people in more places feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. I hope we're doing that even in a small way. So however you are involved in all of this, thank you.

[00:01:02] If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com on Facebook or Twitter at suicide noted. You can check the show notes to learn more about the podcast, including our membership.

[00:01:15] And of course, remember this. Keep this in mind. We're talking about suicide on this podcast. We don't hold back. So take that into account before you listen or as you listen. But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn today.

[00:01:26] I am talking with Silja. Silja lives in Finland and she is a suicide attempt survivor. Hello up in Finland, Silja. Can you hear me? Yes. Yes. Now. Yes, you. Let's just say yes for the whole conversation. It'll be a very different kind of podcast. Yeah. Oh my God.

[00:01:50] It's the bald guy from Carolina. I like your listening skills. You get it. You get it. No one gets it. Yeah. Yeah. And also my Tourette's clearly gets it. So how do I pronounce your name? Silja. Silja.

[00:02:03] Yeah, that's close enough. It's pretty hard because it's a Finnish name. So it's a Finnish name, which means you're in Finland. And you know why that makes me especially happy? Because I'm the first person from Finland. Literally the first human being. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah.

[00:02:22] Silja is not the only person if our audience is wondering. No, she's not the only person in Finland, but she's the first person to join me here for this. Yes. Pretty sure people are attempting suicide there. Not just you. Actually, the suicide rates are pretty high in Finland,

[00:02:44] even though they call this the happiest place in the world. Who's they and how do they define happy? Come on. We don't. I actually don't know who just decided that we are the happiest country in the world because we're not. We're mostly alcoholics and depressed bitches.

[00:03:05] Memoir title done. Alcoholics and depressed bitches. I can't. That's the greatest book title ever made. I'm sorry, done. Yes. Well, naturally you're depressed and you drink it's dark a lot. It's fucking cold. I mean, it's cold. It's dark. And you're one of the weirdest countries.

[00:03:22] I mean that respectfully because here's why as an American I say that like what everyone wants. Like anyone in the world wants to hear more Americans opinions on anything, but you're this interesting country. You're not Scandinavian, but you look Scandinavian on a map. You're not like Russian,

[00:03:39] but there are some cultural things connected to Russia. You're so in between everything. It feels like want to know more about what exactly makes Finland Finland. I actually have no answer to that. Like I don't even know much about most countries,

[00:03:56] but just conceptually understand the premise of them not to take anything away from Finland, but if you're not disagreeing with me, I'm feeling like it wasn't the worst thing in the world to say. You know, no, I am not your north of Helsinki.

[00:04:10] Aren't you? No. Yeah, I'm north from Helsinki, but I live in Eastern Finland in Kuopio. Is that even weirder than the rest of Finland? Yes. Yeah, most of the other people in Finland. They think that we I think it's called like Savonian people.

[00:04:34] We speak a little bit differently. They say we we talk longer and bigger and I feel like I feel like we are kind of like more friendlier than most of the Finland. You seem friendly. I hope so. Yeah, Celia in Eastern Finland.

[00:04:55] Let's be really clear about the sort of geographical. So you are all right. So you're you're up in the north anywhere in Finland is up in the north. Doesn't matter and you're in the east part of the country. You're probably not too far from water. Nope.

[00:05:08] It is December. So it is undoubtedly cold out. Yes. And by the way to all the anyone in the audience who's annoyed at my word choice Celia agrees with me about her country and her people to some degree.

[00:05:25] So stop just relax. We can call people in places a little weird. I'm weird. Celia is a little weird. I'm sure we'll get into it. Yeah, and let me let me tell you in Finland. We think you Americans you are the weirdest people on the entire planet.

[00:05:43] That's yeah, that's objectively true. So I actually understand why because there is so big difference between everything. Tell me this and then we'll get into your stuff and we're going to start with the alcoholism and press bitches

[00:06:00] because that's the greatest if you would ask 50 fins would say fins fins 50 fins. Yes, what makes Americans or what about America is especially weird? What would be some of the more common answers guns guns? Yeah, it makes no sense. It it meant it doesn't make any sense here.

[00:06:21] We have to go to basically just take course of some kind. I don't know because I don't have gun. So we have to take a whole course to learn about cons and the laws and everything right?

[00:06:37] What if it like makes sense that the guns if guns are easily available More easily available the use of guns to end one's life is probably more common. I'm sure that's pretty straightforward. Yeah, so in Finland, it's probably other things people I'm going to guess.

[00:06:53] It's probably pills hanging something maybe weirdly finish. I feel like one of the things that people do is like drive a car to a tree Or something like that driving the car aggressively into something. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, sometimes on this podcast.

[00:07:17] I want to ask about something I've read or I've seen online. Yeah, and then we could get into all of them all about you. Here's what I saw today today. I saw a video on CNN to major news outlet, right?

[00:07:33] Yeah, and there's a man who I believe been arrested not a hundred percent sure about that because he is supplying people with a machine. They can buy somewhere out on the interwebs and he's figured out that there's a certain gas that's typically used for livestock.

[00:07:52] I don't know all the details but in a certain quantity a certain combination blah blah blah it will end your life and it will be rather peaceful you'll die. Yeah, but he's getting now that it's on CNN.

[00:08:04] It's a much bigger deal and he the the authorities are after him and I was wondering I'm not necessarily feeling for or against that but I'm wondering do you think somebody supplying a way for people to end their lives peacefully?

[00:08:20] Well, let me let me just say not in pain should be arrested. That's a really hard question. I'm not actually sure I kind of feel like everybody has their own choice with their lives, but there are also situations where people are not thinking rationally.

[00:08:42] That's the part which makes me a little bit hesitant to say that it will be right and also because there are so many things that could go wrong like people using that to other people. Oh, yeah, it brings up a whole nother set of problems.

[00:09:03] It just reminds me of the gun thing for a moment because it's like at least with that thing you have to order it. It probably takes a few days. You got to set it up like with a gun. You just go and do it.

[00:09:12] Yeah, if it worked anyway, all right, so you're in Finland, right? We've established that you're in what looks like a rather small room and we've decided that we're going to do this in English and not finish this conversation, right?

[00:09:24] So do you call a mix of English and finish English? Yeah, I like that. Can you please say the word suicide in Finnish? It's a murha. It's in murha? Yes. Was that was that decent my pronunciation? Yeah. Yeah, it was. We could do this in Finnish.

[00:09:41] Yeah, we could but I can see there are a little small problem. I think we would be limited to like one or two words. Yeah. And if we want to have a conversation probably we want more than that. All right. So how did we find each other?

[00:09:56] Well, about a month ago I was in a really, really dark place and I was basically looking for sad playlists to listen to sad music because I felt like crying but I couldn't cry. I typed on the search bar in Spotify suicide your podcast came.

[00:10:19] Yeah, can you again if you had found it and indeed it was sad music and it was me singing the sad music we wouldn't be talking because you'd be like this guy's awful. He's terrible.

[00:10:31] Yeah, I have not heard you singing but I feel like you are better at what you do. Yeah. No, there's no doubt about it. So why did you reach out? Because listening to sad music and talking to a bald man in North Carolina are very different things.

[00:10:49] So when I found your podcast, I instantly clicked on it because well, I had no idea what it was all about. So I was like, okay, let's just listen to one episode and go from there. I ended up listening to like the whole evening five episodes.

[00:11:13] And now I got the courage to tell my therapist about my suicidal thoughts the next day. Oh, so just to be clear. Wow. So the fact of you listening to these people will share gave you something so you would share your attempt with your therapist? Yes.

[00:11:35] I was basically thinking about killing myself at that point. And I felt so ashamed about my thought, listening to all of these people just talking openly about their attempts and their thoughts about suicide just gave me the courage to go and talk to her. Yeah.

[00:11:56] Well, then I ended up in a psych ward. So. Oh, so you were in a psych ward between when did you reach out to me? It was about a month ago. You heard the podcast, you reached out, then you went to a hospital.

[00:12:08] Yeah, I reached out before I went to the hospital. Yeah. How long were you in the hospital for? I was there for one and a half week, almost two weeks actually. Did your therapist send you there?

[00:12:20] Actually, I asked her if it was a possibility for me to go in the hospital because I didn't feel safe because I knew if I had even any worse nights. I will kill myself. How was the hospital stay? Shitty.

[00:12:38] It was shitty because I feel like only good thing about it was that I was not at home where I could actually harm myself. But also, I don't feel like I got anything from it.

[00:12:54] I feel like it was just a place where they wanted to hold me so I do not kill myself and they don't need to write fucking many papers to say like, yeah, we let this girl die. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:13:09] But I mean, you could argue if you were that close to dying before the hospital, right? Like you said, it kind of did help because you're here and you've been not dead for at least two weeks after the hospital. Yeah, it was something. It was... Okay, yeah.

[00:13:24] This has come up a lot. I made new friends in the hospital and those are the people who actually made my stay even bearable. Most of the staff there, they were really rude, just didn't give a shit. There were people harming themselves and they didn't give a shit.

[00:13:47] We told them like, hey, I think this person is about to hurt herself. Can you do something? No. And we are not allowed to go into her room because then we are punished.

[00:13:58] All right, so here we are talking, but did you answer the question why do you want to talk about it to other people? No. So I wanted to talk with you and share my experiences with my suicide attempts because

[00:14:16] I felt like I got so much out of all of those conversations that I listened to that I wanted to, if I can help one person to maybe survive the two weeks or maybe feel a little less shitty. That's nice. Nice of you, for real.

[00:14:36] So how many suicide attempts do you have? I actually have a notebook here because I needed to check out some stuff. So I have, I'm not actually sure how many attempts I have because I feel like I could

[00:14:53] say three, but also I could say that I have many more. I feel like the difference between those that I call attempts is the fact that I really tried, I really wanted to die at that point.

[00:15:10] You're 22, which is technically your 23rd year on the planet, but we don't have to get into the math of it all. Yeah. Complicated for my brain. So, you know, simple American brain, we're just not that smart. You know that though. You know that.

[00:15:24] I mean, how old were you for your first one? For my first attempt, I was 15 years old. I was thinking about like jumping off the cliff. Was there, oh, there was a specific cliff you were thinking about? Yes. Okay.

[00:15:41] So I went to a place where I went with my friends a lot, which is kind of ironic, but I wanted to be in a place that I enjoyed for the last time.

[00:15:54] I went there, but I didn't, I just, something came over me and I was like, no, not today. Maybe tomorrow, maybe day after it, but not today. And thankfully, thankfully I didn't jump. Well hang on a sec. So how long were you at the cliff for that day?

[00:16:10] Probably two hours. All right. So you're in that space. Okay. Are you trying to talk yourself into it or out of it? I don't really remember. All I could see was that I was hurting. I could feel that I was hurting so badly that I just wanted out.

[00:16:26] And I was also at the same time, I messaged one of my friends that I have always been thinking what it would be like looking at the sun for the last time. Well, she understood what I was about to do. Messaged me back a little bit later.

[00:16:45] At that point I was back at home, but I feel like I tried to talk myself into it, but when I went to the, like basically looked down, saw all of the trees, I was like, holy shit, that's far way down. Looking down you see trees? Yes.

[00:17:05] This isn't like over the water? No. And you would have definitely died? Yes, definitely. Do you know about how long you had been thinking about doing something like that before you walked to the cliff? At the age of 11 I started to hurt myself by cutting.

[00:17:20] Actually I have always been really anxious and also really depressed because I have always felt like the world is a bad place. There's so much bad things going on. I feel so much pain, not only my pain, but the world's pain.

[00:17:40] All of the people that are suffering always. So basically that's the first time that I was, I kind of heard from television or something about self harming. I was like, well, I want to try it. I got a very dull knife and basically it did nothing. I was 11.

[00:18:00] I didn't understand the fact that a dull knife cannot go through your skin. I remember praying every now and then, like, please God, just take me away from this world. Did you tell anybody? No.

[00:18:16] Some people at 11 or 12 or 13, some people are like, I'm thinking about high school or maybe college or where I want to live or what kind of work I might want to do. I want to travel, whatever. You're thinking mostly about dying. Yes.

[00:18:33] At school there was like, where do you want to be in five years? And everybody wrote something just like you said, something about studies or where they want to live or what kind of bed they want or something.

[00:18:50] And I just said, I don't want to be in pain. You nailed it there. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting the way, how old were you at the time? I was probably like 13. It's an interesting way to answer it for several reasons, but one of them is they asked you

[00:19:06] where you want to be, not where you don't want to be. Yeah. You're like, I just don't want to be in pain. Basically didn't care where I was as long as I wasn't in pain. What about if you were in America?

[00:19:22] No pain, but you were in Texas, which is like super America. Well, I mean, why not? Why not? Go for it. If I had to guess, there's probably fewer than a hundred people that live in Texas that are from Finland. More Swedes and Norwegians than Finns.

[00:19:39] Maybe it's because Finns don't leave. They love it there so much. Yeah. We love our country. Even though you're all, as you said, alcoholics and depressed bitches. I mean, it's an interesting contrast. I'm intrigued. Yes. So do you think...

[00:19:52] One last question and then I want to ask you about suicide attempt number two. And then we'll just talk about the three and we'll talk about some other stuff. When you use the word depressed and anxious, do you think you were born that way or like

[00:20:02] shit happened or both? I think shit happened. I was born in a very messed up family. My father was an alcoholic or actually is an alcoholic. My mom is a Christian. Because most people would immediately say, oh, alcoholic, that's a problem.

[00:20:20] Like almost anyone would agree, like that's a problem to be one, to live with one. And then Christian, is that... I'm wondering which one is worse. I basically just saw and experienced a lot of things that nobody, especially a child should experience.

[00:20:40] And also I was so afraid of hell. I was so afraid of going to hell. I was so scared, like doing anything. Well, I didn't even know if I was doing something wrong. I fucked up. I'm going to hell now. That's scary. Especially for a small child.

[00:21:02] Where do alcoholics go? I don't know. I don't either. They're just in pain too, right? Yes. Yes, absolutely. I have forgiven my father. I'm not mad at him because he's alcoholic. I'm more like sad for him.

[00:21:19] But also I need to protect myself so I do not keep in contact with him. And your mom too? With my mom, I do keep in touch, but sometimes I would prefer not to. And I can explain it more later. Yeah, but are they still married? No, no.

[00:21:39] So he's still drinking? Yeah. Is your mom still a Christian? Yes. Does she want you to become a Christian? Yes. Are you a Christian? I was, but I feel like, first of all, I have always thought that being gay is wrong. Well, here we go.

[00:21:57] Because, well, I am not straight. Right. That was clearly implied, right? Yes. So you're saying if you're gay and you believe in that ideology or that belief system, then you are bad or you're going to hell, something around that. I don't believe in that.

[00:22:15] Because I think that if there is God, I don't think she, he, they, who they are, like going to be mad at me for loving someone else, no matter their gender. Sure. You could also make the argument like if you believe that it's just so weird because if

[00:22:33] you believe in God and God made you, well, God made you, you. So like then it's just a strange argument. But then people would say, well, no, God didn't make you that way. You made a choice and that's the devil. It's like, ugh. Oh my God.

[00:22:45] I, I cannot with that shit anymore because like, let me tell you, I have with all of those prayers when I prayed that I just want to go to heaven, I also pray that please, please God don't make me gay.

[00:23:01] Please let me fall in love with a man. Oh, this is when you were like a early teenager? Yeah. Because that was the first time that I actually even realized that was a possibility. Yeah.

[00:23:13] So at 10 years old, you walk away from the cliff, you go back to your life and 99 times out of a hundred, I am pretty sure life remains challenging. Yes. There were some good times. A lot of them actually.

[00:23:28] There were like five years that I didn't try to kill myself. Like just thinking about it or just. Absolutely. Thinking about it. Yeah. Ideating a lot. Wow. I was self harming a lot. Oh my God.

[00:23:43] I was in so much trouble with my mother about that one because, well, I understand all the worry and stuff, but still please don't be mad at someone who's just in pain. Oh, ain't that the truth? But yeah, my second attempt was when I was 20.

[00:24:01] So two years ago, I overdosed. Prescribed medication or other kinds? Prescribed. I was living with a roommate and I actually stole some of her medication too, which I'm so ashamed of. We have talked this all through and we are still friends.

[00:24:21] I took all the medication that I just found. I just realized what I had done. I was like, oh my God, I have to call for help. And I called and the ambulance came. They took me to the hospital.

[00:24:36] Well, they just gave me charcoal and some meds to wake me up a little bit because, well, I was losing consciousness. In the morning they let me go home. So they basically just didn't care that I just tried to off myself.

[00:24:56] They were just like, okay, if you say so, you can go home. It's tricky though, because if they keep you, they're going to end up sending you to a place that you know sucks anyway. So what do they do? What are you supposed to do?

[00:25:07] I understand that point, but it's really tricky. Yeah. And risky, I get it. My initial reaction when people say like I was just held and let go later that day, I'm like, okay.

[00:25:22] So basically my friends took care of me after that because I went there in the evening and they released me in the morning. I was still so foggy from all the meds that I had took and I slept a lot.

[00:25:40] And my friends basically just, I was not alone for like more than five minutes for the first week because my friends just wanted, okay, I understand. They wanted to keep me safe. They were scared that I would be doing something like that again.

[00:26:01] But I believe that if a person wants to kill themselves, they will kill themselves no matter what other people say or do. Yeah, probably true. Yeah. Now you had said about five minutes ago, don't be mad at people who are in pain or something like that. Yeah.

[00:26:17] Any of your friends mad at you? No, they're not mad at me. I remember my friends actually, they lied their way into the hospital. I love lying. Yes. Because only family could come and see me. And also that was because of Corona. Aha, right, right, right. Yeah.

[00:26:44] So they lied to themselves in and I remember seeing two of my friends and I just started to bawl my eyes out because I saw the hurt on their faces because they were so scared of losing me. But they were never mad at me.

[00:27:01] They were just like, I do not want to see you in that state again. Understandable. I had like charcoal all over my face and my clothes and everything. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why was it all over everything?

[00:27:16] Because I was so foggy and they wanted me to drink like maybe two or three bottles of it. Oh, you just spilled it? Yeah, I just spilled it. And nobody was there to clean it out? What's going on with the Finnish healthcare system that nobody cares?

[00:27:30] This is the happiest fucking place on earth. Are you kidding me? Yeah, there are some good places like good hospitals, good ERs. But I feel like this one that we have here is not the best one.

[00:27:43] And actually the funniest part about this hospital is that it's called Kys, K-Y-S, like kill yourself. Oh, kill yourself. K-Y-S, not the title of your memoir, probably, but maybe. Yeah. So after that one, I feel like I fell in a really, really dark place because I felt like

[00:28:12] even when I was trying to kill myself, the doctors and healthcare professionals, they didn't really care. My own therapist, she was so nice about it. She was like, I can see you're hurting. What do you think if we try to get you in a mental hospital?

[00:28:31] And I said, I do not want to go. She said, okay, I won't force you because you are at the moment, you seem like doing okay. You seem to be thinking pretty straight. But all of this time I was self harming a lot. Cutting.

[00:28:51] Is that why you wear long sleeves? Or is that because it's just cold out? Actually I am wearing long sleeves right now because I actually was in a hospital a couple of days ago because I needed to get stitches. For the cutting? Yes.

[00:29:06] So you cut on your arms typically or your legs? My arms. Then came all of this. My mother got to know somehow. I don't know why and how she got to know about my attempt. She was mad. Don't be mad at people in pain.

[00:29:26] We have talked about this with her a lot and I know her worry comes out as an anger, but that's not, you can't just explain like, oh, I was so worried that I just yelled at you and told you that you are hurting everybody else.

[00:29:42] No, I'm hurting myself. You know? Then there came the first two times that I cut so deep that I needed to get stitches. That was when I first asked my therapist, please help me to get in the psych ward. Oh, I see.

[00:30:01] So like over a year to two years you're struggling and eventually it leads you to the hospital, which was recent. No, this was, I have been in the hospital twice. So the first one was after the second attempt.

[00:30:18] They tried to get me to the mental hospital after my first attempt, but my mother told them that there was nothing wrong with me. So I couldn't go. But well, yeah, after the second one, I, and after the cutting and all the stitches and

[00:30:38] everything, I just asked them, please send me to the mental hospital because I want this to stop. I need this cutting to stop. And it actually stopped for a year and a half. Oh cool.

[00:30:52] Then there came all the overdoses with meds, not like in a suicide way, but using the meds wrong because of my Tourette's I have really. Well you have like more powerful drugs. Yeah, powerful. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:31:11] Because of all of the tics that I do and sometimes I get these tic attacks, which are really exhausting. And also just before this, my second attempt, I was diagnosed with Tourette's. So you were still doing the tics, but you didn't know what it was? Yeah.

[00:31:32] From my childhood. No one ever questioned it. They just thought I was weird. You know what's fascinating is you didn't start ticking until you started talking about it. I have very small tics with my hands. But for 45 minutes, it's interesting that you sound great. Your English is clear.

[00:31:50] Everything's clear and I always can edit. So you're good. You're great. It's just an observation. Oh wow. Okay. So literally when you started saying the word Tourette's, you ticked and then you ticked more. Yes. It actually triggers it. If I talk about Tourette's, it might trigger my tics.

[00:32:07] Not all the time. Sometimes I just... When I start talking about New York where I'm from, I'm a little bit more of an asshole. It's the same idea. Yeah. Here you are. You're alive and we can agree on that. And I still have the third one.

[00:32:21] Oh, I know. Believe me. Oh, I know where we're going. Oh my God. So you went to a hospital. It sounds like you were playing around with med stuff without it really being an attempt, but you're saying that you have these drugs. Yes.

[00:32:35] I imagine in that time, some of the other attempts that you could talk about, which we probably won't, but there's a longer list of like you said earlier, like it's... There's three main ones, but then all the other ones. Trying to ease the pain. Yeah, of course.

[00:32:48] With meds. And there were a couple of times that I went to the hospital just to get checked out. So how long ago was suicide attempt number three? Little less than a month ago. Oh. After I contacted you. Okay.

[00:33:04] So when you found the podcast, you said you were in... This is from the beginning of our conversation. You were in a very dark place. You were looking for sad songs. You found this, you listened to some, you eventually reach out. Not eventually, probably quickly after.

[00:33:20] But then you attempt and you're in the hospital. Yeah. I started to cut again about two months ago. Actually there have been like five times that I have needed to go to hospital because of it in the past two months.

[00:33:40] The third attempt was when I tried to cut my wrists so I would bleed to death, basically. And I took some meds to make me sleepy. So I would fall asleep and then just bleed to death. Right, right, right, right.

[00:33:57] As opposed to freaking out and going to a doctor or the hospital, you would be dead. More than the first one, and I don't know about the second one, but you really did want to die. Yes. I really wanted to die. But something still...

[00:34:13] I don't know what to call it. Maybe the universe or something. I just left my home, my apartment and started to walk towards the hospital. I do not remember anything from the walk from my home. It's about like 30 minutes walks and I was bleeding the whole way.

[00:34:39] I remember the next morning that I woke up, I was at home because I basically just went there. They stitched me up. Like stitched your wrist up like this? They know that you didn't get in a fight with somebody who cut you.

[00:34:57] They know that you were trying to hurt yourself. Yes. They knew. And they asked a lot if I was trying to kill myself. I lied. What did you say? I said that I just wanted to...

[00:35:16] I didn't want to be in emotional pain, so I wanted to feel the physical pain. Oh yeah. Okay. And that was enough for them to let me go home. And I walked back. Still don't remember most of it.

[00:35:35] I didn't tell them that I had took some pills, but after that, I contacted my friends the next day and I said, I cannot be at home. I need to go to the mental hospital.

[00:35:51] But somehow I needed to wait for a week to get to the mental hospital. So I stayed at my friend's place for a week. How was that? It was great actually. Better than a mental hospital. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. We actually had fun.

[00:36:09] And that's the worst part of it was that I felt normal. I felt okay while I was with her. She's my childhood friend and we're still best friends. I feel like every time I am with her, I feel like I'm okay. There is no worry in the world.

[00:36:36] Man, I wish everyone had someone like that. Can I make an assumption that given how recent it was that you tried to end your life, that you are still somewhat suicidal? Yes. How many people do you have in your life to talk to? Two or three.

[00:36:51] How many people know that we're talking? One. Friend? Yes. How many people know about any of those three attempts? I know a few do. Many knows. Okay. So many. I actually have no idea how many knows. The last one, only a couple knows. Only my bestest friends know.

[00:37:13] But about the two earlier ones, I have been really open about them. I have not talked about when and where and how, but I have just said yes, I have tried to kill myself.

[00:37:28] I imagine when you do that once in a while, you're going to get a weird comment, right? Yeah. Some people are joking about it and I'm fine with it as long as they are close to me and they know that I'm okay with it.

[00:37:45] If it's just some random dude just walking towards me and just staring at my scars and saying me like, whoa, you didn't succeed at that. Whoa. I'll be like, fuck you. Right. What's the word equivalent for like fuck you in Finnish? Haista vittu. It's like smell fuck.

[00:38:10] But fuck is still used, right? Yes. Because it's such a good word. It's a good word to say that to somebody that you're angry with, I think. Yeah. But best swear word in Finnish is perkele. Oh, did you just say that to me? Yes, I did.

[00:38:29] What does that mean? Does that have a translation at all? The devil or something like that. But it's just because it sounds good. Did you ever get a diagnosis formally or professionally that you agree with or diagnoses? Yeah, I have a long list of diagnosis.

[00:38:50] PTSD, depression, OCD, anxiety disorder and panic attack. I don't know disorder. Tourette's, but that's sort of a different category. Yeah. Yeah. How many different medications do you take every day? Three. And if two of them are at the highest doses, they will prescribe them. I'm not fucking around.

[00:39:15] No. And I really wished I didn't have to take meds, but they keep me alive at this point. So I am okay with eating meds as long as they help me just even a little bit. What do you do to cope? Like, so you take meds.

[00:39:33] I know you try to find sad music sometimes. You cut sometimes or you used to cut. What else helps you when you're... Yeah, what else? That's the word, cope. I have a cat. My cats and other animals.

[00:39:48] I don't have other animals, but my friends have all sorts of animals like horses and chicken and sheep and rabbits. Okay. Yeah. So I really like animals because they do not judge. That is true. I don't think so. No, I don't think so. You like where you live?

[00:40:12] Yeah, I like it here. It's peaceful. What are your days like? Well, at the moment, I am on a sick leave. I've been for maybe two years now. Yeah, so basically just trying to see my friends, trying to even get up from my bed. Oh no, bed.

[00:40:33] Your bread room, yes. I try to go outside every day and just do something, but thankfully my cat will wake me up and he will tell me that it's his time to get his food. Man, I need a cat like that.

[00:40:48] I need a Finnish cat remind me to get my food. Anyway, I'm glad your cat helps. So were you or are you studying something sort of post high school? Yeah, I was studying graphic designing, but I needed to just stop. Yeah.

[00:41:08] My mental health got so bad that I couldn't go to school anymore. Yeah. When you say you're on sick leave, does the government help you? Yes. Good for them. Yeah. I'm really thankful for it because otherwise I would not be able to survive basically.

[00:41:24] And I wouldn't be alive if I needed to go back living with my mother. That's not an option. In some countries for sure, because there's nothing like that, you know, people do die or they're homeless or they'd suffer for sure.

[00:41:38] Do you know that it's also ironic because you had said K-Y-S, but just the idea that you're Finnish, like, you know what that means in English, right? Yeah. Like, over, the end. Yes. You said also earlier your father is an alcoholic and Finland is filled with alcoholics and

[00:41:56] depressed bitches. Now, are you an alcoholic? No, but I have self-medicated with alcohol. Are you a depressed bitch? Yes. When you use the word bitch, it could be a man or a woman or any gender, I assume. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Do you have a partner? No.

[00:42:15] I do not want anyone to get into this mess called life with me right now. Maybe someday, never know. Pink and purple pill, you know about that? I always say it again because the audience might be a first time listener. Yeah. Pink and purple pill, you take it.

[00:42:32] It doesn't have to be tonight, but peaceful death. Nobody knows it's a suicide even. And actually more recently I've been going to add like you can, I'll give you like the dream, any dream you want before you officially check out. That'd be pretty cool.

[00:42:45] I know what I'd be dreaming about, but I'm not sharing that with you all. So anyway, would you take it? I would. But does your mood change or something change? Maybe if I asked you later or in the morning or next week, you might say no. Maybe.

[00:42:58] There are good days. There has not been a day when I wouldn't have been suicidal or I wasn't thinking about suicide. Me wanting to die is just wanting to get out of this pain.

[00:43:16] I feel like the only reason why I am still here is because I'm thinking of other people's pain. I don't want to cause them pain, but if they didn't know I had chosen it for myself, they wouldn't know that I caused it. They wouldn't know. Correct.

[00:43:37] Did you find the sad music you were looking for? Yeah. I have one playlist that I listen to. Your mom's really Christian? Yeah. Christian is based on Christ, right? Jesus Christ? Yes. Do you think Jesus gets mad at people for being in pain? No.

[00:43:54] And I'm actually sure that if there is Jesus, if there is God, if a person commits, dies by suicide, they will understand. They will be there and hug them first thing. They won't say, what the fuck did you do? I gave you life.

[00:44:13] You were in pain, but you should have just sucked it in and live with it. You are not the only one who's in pain. Just suck it up. What are some other things? I call those platitudes. I don't know if that's the right word for it.

[00:44:28] What else have you heard other than like suck it up or you're not the only one that are common? My best memories from the psych ward, one older staff member said that young people do not want to die. That's just a joke. Wow.

[00:44:46] Well, first of all, it confused me. Yeah, it's really confusing because like, why the heck are you working on this field? In this area. Oh my God. Yeah. That was pretty hurtful because I'm still young and I do have days.

[00:45:03] I do have times when I want to die. You cannot tell me what I want. This will come out eventually. It takes a little time because I go in order usually. So let's say it comes out in a couple of months.

[00:45:16] Do you think you're going to be alive to hear your voice on this podcast? I hope so. I really do. I'm really trying. I actually wrote on my diary a couple of days ago that I am trying my hardest to survive

[00:45:33] till my next birthday and make it the best birthday I've ever had. Because normally birthdays have been really hard because I have always felt like just another year of pain. Yeah. When's your birthday? On April 2nd. Does that mean that you were born in 2001? Yes.

[00:45:55] So when 9-11 happened, you were like an infant. Yes. That's crazy. Some of these have already come up, but I always ask around about myths. I feel like this one comes up every time you ask it and I think you know it already. So it's selfish. Yeah.

[00:46:13] It's the big one for sure. One of the big ones. Yeah. Yes. It's one of the big ones. And I can see that. I have lost a person in my life for suicide, but I do not think that it was selfish on her part.

[00:46:28] Like I feel like she had all the right to do it. I can understand that people are in pain, but if I die, no matter what caused my death, people are going to be in pain.

[00:46:42] I hate hearing it gets better because you cannot tell me it gets better because you don't know. I have to learn to live with it. It's the whole point of me trying to, I'm not talking about healing anymore.

[00:46:59] I'm talking about learning to live with my mental health problems. I don't think life is supposed to be easy. I think life is about the little happy moments that we have. All of those little moments with people that make you laugh. 100%.

[00:47:24] In winter now, how much sunlight is there? Because you are pretty far North. I could say like four hours. Like summers are so much easier for me. I know it has something to do with all of this darkness.

[00:47:39] I don't believe that humans are designed to live in Finland. I don't believe in that. Right. There are some animals that are thriving in Finland, but for humans, we're not so sure. I don't think that we're really designed for this mentally.

[00:47:59] I think maybe physically we can survive, but I don't know about the mental state of Finnish people. So whoever decided to call you the happiest people, maybe they're defining the word happy differently than most people are defining it. It's just a clickbait, man.

[00:48:15] We have a good education system. The whole education is free and I am on a sick leave. You got it. You have a good safety net. You have a good safety net. Yeah. And you have three things, but it doesn't necessarily mean...

[00:48:34] It seems to the outside that we are doing so great, but something's still wrong. Is there anything else you want to share? I feel like I want to... I do not know the meaning of life, but I just feel like we are here to enjoy the little

[00:48:53] moments, the small moments. I try to see the beauty in even the worst... Not the worst things. I cannot say that. We are talking like how it's cold and dark all winter, but actually it's really pretty

[00:49:10] because it's clean, white and all the trees are covered in snow and it's pretty. If I live to old, I don't know, 80 and then someone says to me like, yeah, you are going to suffer from this illness, you'll be sure I will kill myself. I rather be...

[00:49:34] No, no. I won't be dying painfully in a nursing home if I have the chance. Well, you actually had three different methods. So do you think the one that would work is a different method? The fourth and maybe final one?

[00:49:48] Hopefully not, but if you wanted to go, okay. I know the method I would choose. Is it a secret? It's not a secret. It's kind of a secret, but I know it will work because I know people who have killed themselves with that method.

[00:50:03] I know it absolutely will work if I ever choose to do it. So it's 838 there, right? Yeah. And it's dark outside and it's cold outside and your cat... Well, it's been dark outside the whole day. Right. It's dark the whole day.

[00:50:19] The cat is somewhere and it's a Monday. So we're going to say goodbye in a moment. And then what are you going to do? I will make some food and maybe just listen to some music. Not too sad. Hey, huomenta. My cat just woke up.

[00:50:36] Oh, we got a little like real Finnish there. Yeah. I just told him, oh, good morning. Awesome. So you're going to relax. I don't know if you actually relax, but you'll make some food. You listen to some music. Yeah. I will most definitely just drink coffee.

[00:50:54] If you know anything about Finnish, you know that we love coffee. Oh, I love coffee too. But so you're a weird sleeper then probably, right? Yeah. I feel like because of my ADHD, coffee doesn't really affect me a lot. Well thanks for talking. Thank you.

[00:51:13] Thank you for this opportunity. I feel like you said this in one episode. It feels kind of wrong to say that I enjoyed talking with you about this subject because it's not supposed to be enjoyable subject, but thank you. You're welcome and thank you.

[00:51:33] And don't be mad at people who are in pain. Yeah. Don't be mad at people who are in pain. It's not that complicated. How many words is that? Don't be mad at people who are in pain. You don't even need the who. Eight, nine words.

[00:51:48] Before we go, can you say that exact expression which I really like in Finnish? Don't be mad at people who are in pain. All right, cool. Thanks again and we'll talk soon. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. Have a good one. Ciao. Bye.

[00:52:05] As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support and special thanks to Silja up in Finland. Thank you, Silja. If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com on Facebook or Twitter at Suicide Noted.

[00:52:22] Of course, check the show notes to learn more about the podcast, including our membership. However you are involved or support us, thank you. And that is all for episode number 198. Stay strong. Do the best you can. I will talk to you soon.