Scarlett in Australia 🇦🇺

[00:00:00] Until you actually get into that position, it's really hard to know what it's like. The pain that you feel beforehand, like for me, it's physically nauseating. It took the life out of me. For me, it felt like there was no way to fix it.

[00:00:37] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories. Every year around the world, millions of people try to

[00:00:48] take their own lives and we almost never talk about it. We certainly don't talk about it enough and when we do talk about it, many of us, including me, we're not very good at it.

[00:00:56] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with suicide attempt survivors in large part to help more people in more places feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. That's how we roll

[00:01:10] and we're doing the best we can and I appreciate everybody's support. Now if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com, on Facebook

[00:01:21] or Twitter slash x at suicide noted. A friendly reminder if you rate and review us that really really helps people find the podcast. Of course we want that. Check out the show notes to learn more

[00:01:33] about Suicide Noted including our membership and a big thanks to Deanna. She is a new member. Thank you Deanna. Finally, we're talking about suicide on this podcast. We don't hold back so take that

[00:01:44] into account before you listen or as you listen, but I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn. Today I am talking with Scarlett. Scarlett lives in Australia and she is a suicide

[00:01:57] attempt survivor. Scarlett, you're literally in Australia? Yep. So is it like what 8am there? 8.30. Is this what you normally get up? Is this a normal time for you? Um when I'm working, yeah.

[00:02:15] Okay, you're working today? Yeah, um later in the day though. I took the first half of the day off. Got it and we're talking? Yeah, we are. I'm pretty keen actually. Some people get nervous. I was a

[00:02:27] little bit last night but I was, I was pretty keen because I feel like my story, it happened when I was quite young so it doesn't, I haven't heard on the podcast yet. I haven't seen one yet but

[00:02:40] I was 11 when it started so. How old are you now? 18, just turned 18. Oh, happy birthday. Thank you. Can you drink booze there? Is that 18? Is that the age? Yes, I can, I can. A lot of people do it

[00:02:53] beforehand but they, that's everywhere but legal, legal age 18. It is Australian, everyone loves their booze. Australians are known for a few things, beautiful beaches. Yes, we do have lovely beaches. Kangaroos, koalas, I'm just going down a very short list of various stereotypical things

[00:03:08] that we associate with Australia. Unique animals, unique country. Yes, we are. I think the best little animal that we've had come to our front yard was an echidna. I'm going to have to google

[00:03:19] that. It's like a hedgehog but cuter and not as dangerous. Porcupine, I mean, porcupine. It's a weird thing. It's like a mammal that lays eggs. It's weird but that's Australia. That's Australia. So you're 18 now and you mentioned 11 years old. You want to start there or before there?

[00:03:35] I reckon the good starting point is probably then when I first started feeling those bad thoughts. Do it. So I was 11. I was, so in Australia that's grade seven, just about to finish primary school

[00:03:49] and I had dealt with some social bullying for probably a good 18 months. Like it wasn't physical or verbal or anything like that. It was just because I was in such a small school. It was just kind of being left out and being gossiped about and having rumors spread.

[00:04:04] And that kind of started my anxiety quite a bit. I was quite an anxious kid during that year. I started struggling with sleep and then I'm quite into sport so I played a lot of basketball. I

[00:04:16] played quite competitively and I broke my foot. From there, kind of just I broke. It was quite a hard thing for me and primary school was quite difficult. I also had a not great relationship with a teacher over steps and boundaries. At 11?

[00:04:33] Yes. She didn't mean anything by it, I don't think. It was more her caring so much to try and help me but it kind of made it worse. There were times when it'd be recess time and the rest

[00:04:45] of the class would be outside but I'd be inside one-on-one with this teacher, which at the time I didn't realize was not what you're supposed to do because I was 11 and it took me a long time to

[00:04:55] understand that I wasn't at fault. But it was quite a hard time and my parents didn't know about it until the end of the year and then that's when they were like, okay, no, this isn't okay.

[00:05:07] When you say you didn't realize that was okay, she wasn't just talking and listening? No, she wasn't. Okay. It's a hard, it's a gray area. I can't really talk about it too much but I can go over it briefly.

[00:05:19] It was quite a scary time for me because I didn't know anybody that was going through thoughts of wanting to hurt themselves and self-harm and not wanting to be here. So, I didn't attempt until I was about 13 but the self-harm and the self-destructive actions were

[00:05:40] definitely there. It was quite scary. My sister, she was eight and she saw some of the stuff that I had to go through and that really ruined our relationship. We still get along but it's quite

[00:05:53] up and down depending on my mood and now hers because she's quite anxious now as well which I sometimes blame myself for but there are other contributing factors. It wasn't until I got to

[00:06:05] high school though when I really, really struggled a lot more on a bigger scale. I still was in contact with this teacher because she gave me her private number which again, big no-no but

[00:06:18] it happens. My parents ended up cutting her off from me and was quite no which I didn't like them for at the time but now definitely did the right thing. Then once I got to high school,

[00:06:30] it got quite bad. So, I would have been 13 when I had my first attempt. I had been on antidepressants since I was 12. I overdosed on those at home in the morning but then obviously,

[00:06:46] mom took me to school so the reaction happened at school and I ended up having a seizure under the desk. What happened? One of my friends was looking under there. She went like because we

[00:06:57] were just sitting on the carpet because our classroom was quite congested and that meant that half of my body was kind of under the desk because we had one of those tall like stool ones.

[00:07:07] She didn't hear me talking for a good like five, 10 minutes so she looked under and apparently, I was just like seizing and shaking. It wasn't very good obviously. I don't really remember

[00:07:17] heaps of it but yeah, I ended up going in an Ambo's. You didn't say Ambo's, you said Ambo's. Yeah, that's the little slang we have for Ambo's. I like that. Use that I think. I think I'm going

[00:07:29] to start using that, Ambo's. So, I ended up going in an Ambo's and they did a bunch of like tests and whatnot, kind of flushed it all out and did their doctor thing. They said I was quite lucky

[00:07:40] that the antidepressants I was on obviously wasn't the super, super like strong ones because you know some are quite like a lot more dangerous than others because I was still a kid. They had me on

[00:07:48] like not as strong ones. When they say lucky, they mean lucky that you didn't die. Yeah. Did you feel lucky that you didn't die? I mean at the time, no. There's times where I did wish that first one did

[00:08:01] work because there were a couple more that happened afterwards that were a lot worse and I wish that either it sometimes I wish that it worked and I didn't have to go through that or

[00:08:11] I just learned my lesson the first time but obviously I didn't. That's an interesting way to frame it, learn my lesson. I'm quite harsh on myself so I think of it like that. What do you

[00:08:21] mean when you say high school got a lot worse? I think high school for me, I am a perfectionist so I want straight A's. I want to get a good grade. I want to be good. I want to be liked. I want my

[00:08:35] teachers to see me as a good student. Most part they did and I did get my straight A's. I did finish school with a really good grades but the pressure I put on myself was quite ridiculous.

[00:08:47] I would stay up until one o'clock, two o'clock in the morning and make sure that my assignments were done. This was when I was in year eight and nine as well so all the way through

[00:08:54] I did that. I would do heaps of homework on weekends just perfecting everything I could. I just spent so much time on it and it just became exhausting. By halfway through the year,

[00:09:04] I was already just like, I was setting myself up for failure in a sense not academically but mentally because you can't run on empty. That was quite difficult but my teachers were amazing. I think

[00:09:17] one of my teachers actually saved my life. She was an absolute godsend. Yeah, she just listened and she didn't break boundaries. She went by the rules. She did everything and that's what I needed

[00:09:28] when I was younger. Yeah, she'd let me sit in her office and do my work there and she'd help me out when I needed it and put boundaries in place. She'd be like, you can only be here for 15 minutes

[00:09:38] and then you have to go back to class but that 15 minutes put me in a mindset of safety and comfort and I leaned on her quite a lot and she took it like a champ too. Nonetheless, there is another attempt coming. Technically, there's three more.

[00:09:54] Over how many months or years? So over four years, I had three more attempts. Two were OD and the other one was cutting. All right, what was number two? What grade were you in number two?

[00:10:07] Number two, I would have been in grade 10 so I would have been 14 or 15. Do you know why that day you did that? It's all a blur but I just remember feeling physically sick for two weeks

[00:10:19] straight and I thought I had a stomach bug but there was nothing physically wrong with me in that sense. It was all mental stemming from my mental illness. I just remember getting off of

[00:10:31] a Zoom appointment with my psychiatrist and after that, I just felt like absolute dog crap. She was an amazing psych. She's one of the best in our state. She's impossible to get into but

[00:10:41] I was lucky I got in. But I was just broken and there was nothing that she could say to me that would change my mind. Were you home because of COVID? Yes, it would have been, yeah. It would have been restrictions. I would have had masks at school

[00:10:54] but obviously appointments, they try to make them Zoom. The things just built up. Things built up. I wasn't able to play sport because I love sport and that's a massive outlet for me. I wasn't able to go and see my friends because they were in a different town

[00:11:07] so it was a bit harder and I didn't have my license so that was the only place I could see them was at sport. I didn't feel like I could reach out because I felt like everybody

[00:11:14] else had so much going on because COVID put so much stress on everybody else. So I felt like an even bigger burden. I already felt like a burden but I felt like one times 10

[00:11:24] because during COVID, you feel like who wants to deal with your shit when they've got all their other crap going on too? You use the word my mental illness. What's your mental illness?

[00:11:33] So when I was 11, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety but I didn't feel like that was it. I felt like there was more. They didn't diagnose me with borderline personality disorder and that was just after my second attempt. Do you think you have that? Borderline personality disorder?

[00:11:49] It makes sense. At the time, I had no idea what it was because the stigma around personality disorders is quite a negative one. Some people see it as, oh, you're a manipulative sociopath who doesn't understand or some people will be like, oh, do you have 7,000

[00:12:04] different personalities? But it makes sense. The diagnosis in turn helped me get more targeted therapy but also, it's a bit difficult when you go around and you see everybody and there's more people that are like that as well. To see more people that the diagnosis of mental illness

[00:12:26] increase has been quite hard to watch since COVID. It's not something I can necessarily fix. I just have to sit there and empathize with them, I guess. COVID stuffs up a lot of things. So that second one, what happens?

[00:12:41] I was prescribed sleeping pills because obviously, I was up and I couldn't sleep without extra help because I was so focused on my schoolwork. My mom, she would give them to me one at a time

[00:12:53] each night. She'd be like, here you go, here you go to reduce the risk of overdose but she didn't know that I was pocketing them in my school bag for a good four weeks. Then once that month got

[00:13:06] around, I had enough to really do some damage. I took them early in the morning thinking that it would work pretty much straight away. It was probably about two hours and at that time,

[00:13:18] I was at school. The poor because I didn't want to tell my parents. I was petrified because how are you supposed to tell the person that gave you life that you don't want it anymore? So I took

[00:13:28] them early, early in the morning, went to the first class, made it through the first class, which is quite tired and dizzy. Went to the bathroom, sat there for a couple of minutes,

[00:13:36] still was conscious. I was like, damn, I'm going to have to go to class now because our school can have some rambunctious children. So they have teachers doing duties during class time to make

[00:13:47] sure that kids are in class. I was like, I better go. So I got into my class. It was actually my PE class with my teacher that I had that was amazing. I felt equally as guilty because I told

[00:13:59] her that I was doing okay that week. I remember sitting on my desk, pretty much falling asleep on the desk while she was explaining what we were doing for that day. My friend next to me noticed

[00:14:09] and she obviously knew about my first attempt. So she actually took the initiative to look in my bag and she found the leftover capsules because I had them stored in my school bags because my mom

[00:14:21] didn't go through that. She told my teacher straight away and my teacher pulled me out of class. I remember looking at her and falling straight back in the corridor and just passing

[00:14:32] out right there. The rest of it was really a blur though. The one thing I thoroughly remember is my teacher putting me in the recovery position and I grabbed her hand and I told her, please don't let me die. You were stockpiling for a month

[00:14:47] with the intention of taking your own life. And then when you might be dying... The one thing I've learned after doing it that many times is the regret still happens. As soon

[00:14:58] as you do that one thing that could end your life, the regret comes in so instantly. Each time I've done it, it takes more and more and more for me to actually get to that point. The feeling of

[00:15:10] having those pills enter your stomach, it's just instant regret. They called an ambulance straight away though. Not called an ambulance. It called an ambos. Get it straight, get it right, Scarlett. We're down under now. Okay. They called an ambos. They had these sheets that they covered the

[00:15:29] hallway with so people didn't realize who it was, but my classmates obviously did because I was the only one out of the classroom and working around quite quickly. So that was lovely. But I remember

[00:15:39] going in and out of consciousness. They were rubbing on my sternum. They were trying to keep me awake. My dad was there when I opened my eyes. He got there super quick because I live like two

[00:15:49] minutes from school. I was in the top building, so they tried to walk me down the stairs. But after the first three steps, I just passed out and they had to carry me down the stairs.

[00:16:00] I don't remember being in the ambos. I remember waking up in the recess room. I had oxygen masks, defibs on my side of my chest, all the ECG stuff, catheters, all that stuff. I also had no

[00:16:13] t-shirt on because they had ripped it all up and cut it all open because they're trying to get to you and save your life. It was quite a scary time. Everything I saw, it was all wonky donkey. It was

[00:16:25] just completely a scene from a movie. You know how cameramen edit and shake it and all the editors, it's all shaky and there's lights everywhere. It really is like that. It was for me anyways.

[00:16:38] Then they had to get me to the big, big hospital in the city because I don't live in the city. They took me to the women's and children's hospital. There were heaps of nurses and at

[00:16:48] least three doctors working on me. Then I woke up in the ICU about 10 hours later. You were talking about the regret just after taking it. As much as you can recall here,

[00:16:58] because I know a lot of it's blurry, were you leaning more towards save my life or let me die? I think I was more towards save me in all honesty. I get anxious because I worry that

[00:17:09] people think that's just who I am. I just want it. I just want it to happen, but then I don't and I'm just so undecisive. Until you actually get into that position, it's really hard to know what it's

[00:17:22] like. The pain that you feel beforehand, for me, it's physically nauseating. It took the life out of me. For me, it felt like there was no way to fix it. After number two as well or no? I know

[00:17:37] number two leads to number three, but is it a bit of a peak in a valley here or is it just- That's what my psych said, the BPD diagnosis. She said that it is similar to bipolar in the sense

[00:17:50] that you do go up and down quite easily. That also was in play and they were trying to make those big lows a lot less low, but it was quite difficult for me. When they went to the hospital,

[00:18:03] this is after number two and they saved your life, did you go to another kind of hospital? They didn't put me in a psych ward because they said I was too young to be put in one

[00:18:12] and the people there were quite full on. They admitted me for 48 hours in the children's ward because my heart rate, I think the lowest it got was 29 beats per minute. Its resting rate was

[00:18:24] in the 30s for the rest of that, my stay. They wouldn't let me out until my heart rate rose to about 50. Are you in Western Australia by the way? No, I'm in South Australia. South Australia.

[00:18:37] Okay. Melbourne is Southeast, right? Yes. I'm South Australia, which is in between WA and Victoria, which is where Melbourne is. Nobody in the United States knows what the fuck you're talking about right now. Western Australia is WA, so it's on the West side. Then in between

[00:18:54] Melbourne, which is that side, is South Australia down the bottom. And you're not that much, you're about our size, the continental United States. Yeah, it is quite big, very spacious, which I love. Very lucky to be living here.

[00:19:07] I mean, you're living. Yes, I am very lucky to be here in general. Do you feel that way? Now I do, yes. Knowing what your last five years have been like, and by the way, I'm curious about suicide attempt

[00:19:21] number three and four, but knowing what the past few years have been like, do you think it's possible that if I caught you on a different day, you might answer that question, do you want to be

[00:19:29] alive differently? Yeah. Definitely in a better mindset now, and the lows aren't as low, but there are times where I'm like, God, it'd be easier to do. Maybe also if you're in a low, you're not reaching out to me.

[00:19:41] No, no. I'm in the mindset where I can share. Keen to even, you said keen. Yes, I am keen to. Well, word number one I'm going to co-opt is ambos because that's a good word. I feel like Australians are more likely than other countries to shorten words.

[00:19:57] Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. How much time goes by between attempt two and attempt number three? One year. Anything going on major that changes or is it just similar ups, downs, similar pressures, so on? Similar. There was just kind of one thing that was added.

[00:20:14] I struggled quite hard with romantic relationships. The idea of it makes me quite nauseous. I want to be able to be in a relationship, but it was just really hard for me and it still is quite a difficult thing for me.

[00:20:29] It's just the anxiety of breaking somebody because I feel like there's times where I'm just too full on. I'm working on it with my therapist. It is a bit difficult. Good. I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but I'm many years older than you.

[00:20:42] I've got the same issues. That might bum you out. Oh shit, it may never get better. No, because I didn't work on it. I'll pray for the both of us. You talk to your therapist and just text me like, all right, here's some cool shit you should know.

[00:20:54] Yeah. I'll hit you up with some resources. It's over for me. Don't worry. I'm glad you're working on it. It's so good to work on it when you're younger. Okay. Was there a relationship you're speaking of or

[00:21:04] just the pressure of knowing that's a big thing for you was building up? I was in a relationship and he was amazing. He was such a good support, but I got too stressed out

[00:21:15] and my mental health was terrible. We mutually agreed that it would be best if we split. He was going through loss as well. He lost a couple of family members in a short period of

[00:21:26] time. He was struggling too. We just thought it'd be best to go our separate ways. We're still friends now and we talk quite a bit, but it was right person, wrong time kind of thing.

[00:21:36] Then I got a bit anxious about the idea of it being somebody else or I don't know. My brain was just- Is this when you also cut? Yeah. I do self-harm quite a bit. It is quite difficult to explain the thought of that as well

[00:21:53] and the sensations that you get when you do it. My parents like to say I'm quite resourceful with how I do it. Do you use weird objects? I have used weird objects before and they are very proactive and put things in a safe.

[00:22:08] All our medications are in safes just to make sure. I'm not in the headspace where I want to do that now, but they never know. They just want to keep it there, which I don't mind. Are all sharp objects in a safe?

[00:22:20] Yeah. Pretty much everything except for kitchen knives and stuff. Did you cut for the third attempt? No, I didn't overdose. My last attempt was cutting. After number one and two, you tried. You did not, for lack of a better word, succeed.

[00:22:37] This is going to sound like a weird question. A lot of them are. It's because I'm weird. If one method doesn't work, you try it again, it doesn't work. Why are you trying it again? I guess you might be trying different pills or a different quantity of pills.

[00:22:49] Yeah. Each time I overdosed, it was a different set of pills. I don't necessarily remember why I overdosed on the one I did this time. I think, again, the pain, the hurt, I had a diagnosis.

[00:23:03] In South Australia, the mental health, I don't even know what you call it, the resources for somebody struggling with a mental illness is very limited, especially for children. I went through the public system and I didn't have any luck there. I went private

[00:23:21] and found a really good psychiatrist, but she couldn't give me the weekly therapy I needed. I already went through this group therapy and they don't offer it again because it's a research-based thing. You can't do it again, which was really hard. It was quite beneficial,

[00:23:36] but it was only 10 weeks. That was a good 10 weeks. You'll hear in the fourth one how bad it can get. We don't have to go into every little detail, but I am a pretty curious guy about these things. I know there's other stuff to talk about, but

[00:23:50] 3OD, are you in school again? Kind of generally similar play out here? Yeah, similar play out. I don't know why it just happened to be at school. My thought is if I do it

[00:24:03] in the morning, everyone will be busy and they'll help me. If I do it at school, everybody's doing stuff and it will be harder for them to be able to help me. Pretty strategic. It was pretty strategic. When thinking back and looking at all the things I've done,

[00:24:19] I am shocked that my brain and the way I function and the way I strategically plan these things without even realizing it. It's crazy. I don't even know what it is. It's like an out-of-body experience. I can't remember what it was called. Not depersonalization. I can't

[00:24:39] even remember, but it was out-of-body experience. I couldn't remember any. I don't really remember heaps of planning stage. I just remember doing it. Someone finds you? Yeah, someone does find me. I ended up taking 50 pills of paracetamol. For us, that's Panadol.

[00:24:55] That's what we call it. I think it could also be Advil or something. I don't know what it is. But yeah, my mom left a box of paracetamol in the car. It must have fallen out of the groceries bag or something and I quickly pocketed it.

[00:25:09] So you immediately think there's an opportunity for some time in the future? Yeah. I saw it straight away, took it, didn't even think about it. Intrusive thoughts. Bam. By this time, your foot's better. You're playing sports. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:25:24] Some of the things that would make you feel okay, you were able to do. Yeah. So I was still playing sport. I was quite physically active still, but it wasn't doing it for me. And I felt like the medication I was on wasn't

[00:25:39] doing anything for me either. I felt again, I felt trapped. This time, it was quite difficult for me as well because that year I had a basketball teammate commit suicide and succeed.

[00:25:51] Heartbreaking and it broke me. And I regretted not speaking to her as much as I could have because she lived in a different state. Yeah, quite a hard time for me and the rest of my teammates.

[00:26:05] I guess her doing that kind of not necessarily sparked my terrible thoughts, but definitely played a part. I was kind of thinking one part, I was like, how did that happen? How could she do it

[00:26:21] and how come I couldn't? There was that feeling, but then there was also, oh my God, I'm so lucky. I was so torn and eventually the negative outweighed the positive and I ended up overdosing.

[00:26:36] I took the paracetamol and I went to the emergency room and I looked at the doctor and I said, am I going to die? And he said, it's hard to be sure. Words one does not forget.

[00:26:48] Yes. And I remember looking at my mom and my dad and the look in their eyes is something that I will never forget. My dad never cries and he cried, ugly cried. He looks like a big scary biker guy,

[00:27:06] but it's like the biggest teddy bear ever. Bald guy with a big goatee and he's quite buff and he's crying in the emergency room. It was quite hard to watch. And then my mom just went pale.

[00:27:17] She, yeah. And she just tears. So they put me on charcoal and they rushed me to the bigger hospital in the city. What's the city in South Australia? Adelaide, definitely not a Melbourne or a Sydney.

[00:27:33] Right. They put me on charcoal, the emergency room nurses, they were amazing. The doctor was really good, quiet, get it all done, get it out. Put me on heaps of charcoal, gave me,

[00:27:45] I can't remember what else they gave me, but they gave me a couple of other things. Did like a liver function test and whatnot. They had one of the nurses from the psych ward come

[00:27:54] visit me. She was like, I don't think you understand how lucky you are today, Scarlet. Like this was after I got the all clear. She said, I know people that have done half as much as you

[00:28:05] and they needed a liver transplant. You think she was being honest or was that like a scare tactic? To this day, I'm not a hundred percent sure. For her to have told me that I could have been in

[00:28:15] that realm was quite difficult for me. When the screens got back with like the blood test and all that hunky dory medical stuff, they told me that I'm super lucky I didn't actually have any liver

[00:28:26] damage. And they were just like, there's no liver damage. We cannot understand how you had no liver damage. And I'm not a big believer in crazy miracles, but that day I was like, oh my God. Somewhat miraculous, you might say. Yes, very much so.

[00:28:44] Perhaps even some divine intervention one might wonder. Yes. Yes. Or just luck. Yes. But again, and I think this does apply in your case. That's if you want to be alive a year or

[00:28:56] so later, six months or so later, some period of time later, you have your fourth and I believe last or final attempt. And there's a connection you had mentioned about failings of the system, so to speak.

[00:29:10] Yes. I had given up on the pills thing. Too stressful. It was not, I wouldn't say stressful, actually. That's probably the worst word to use. Too difficult to get a hold of because you have

[00:29:22] to stockpile obviously. Again, logic. It sounds ridiculous talking about it. I found a Stanley knife. I found it when I was looking for one of our bikes. I grabbed it, didn't even think twice,

[00:29:37] grabbed it, took it with the intention of trying to go straight through my arm. For some silly reason, I decided to go topwards. So there's a big scar right there. I went topwards and wanted

[00:29:50] to go all the way through. I got all the way through. I just didn't nick an artery. I nicked a bunch of tendons. And you used your left hand?

[00:29:59] I can't do the bird. So that's what I can do there. What else can I do? I can't do a peace sign. It was quite hard to play sport for a while afterwards, getting that mobility back. Quite

[00:30:11] difficult to do schoolwork. When I was typing on the laptop, you have to go downwards and type like that. I couldn't for a long time do that. But yeah, I severed three tendons in my forearm.

[00:30:24] Let me understand. You went into the shed, grabbed a knife, tried to go through your arm. That's intense. Take a knife and go through your... I don't know why the visual of someone trying to cut their

[00:30:35] artery in a bathtub seems far less intense than trying to take your arm off. You know what I mean? That's more savage. Yeah. I thought, go hard or go home, I guess. So this one sounds different. This was like...

[00:30:48] It wasn't planned. I was having a really bad time and I was trying to get through it. And I was trying to fight those thoughts. But wrong place, wrong time. And it was just sitting there on the desk and...

[00:30:59] Did you lie about it? What'd you say? It's a tough one to lie about because it's like, in the world, could you do so much damage accidentally? I actually had stitches in beforehand from just cutting. So I told them that I just caught it on

[00:31:14] something and it was getting infected. You told who that? My parents. They didn't believe me. Right. And I'm sure the doctors didn't either because it probably just didn't make sense. No, it didn't. I actually had a netball final the next day. I told mom and dad,

[00:31:29] I said, we're not going to the doctors until we finish this netball final. Netball being a sport. Yes, it is a sport. So it's kind of like basketball, but you can't dribble, you can't walk with it. And there's like seven positions and it's a very particular sport.

[00:31:44] It's fun to play. Sorry, my dogs are just trying to get in. Do dogs do? Yeah. I might just let them in so they shut up. What kind of dogs do you have? I've got three. I've got a German Shepherd, a Cocker Spaniel and a Cavalier Cross Pooh.

[00:32:00] Love when I hear dogs in the background when I talk to people here. Oh, you do? Okay. Yeah. Because it's like, I don't want to be some dude in a studio. It's all professional.

[00:32:09] I mean, it's nothing different with the audience hearing you and I clearly, so it's fine. Yeah, no. You're like, I think you're, where are you? You're home? Are you in your living room? What is that?

[00:32:19] Yeah, living room. My mom's taken my other dog to the vet in the city and then my sister's at school. Where's your dad? He works in a uranium mine. So he goes away for a week, comes home for a week. Dad, mom, you, sister, younger?

[00:32:35] Three dogs and a cat. No kangaroos, no koalas? No, just the occasional lizard that will walk through the backyard. Yeah, totally. So your arm is gnarled up. You make a lie that's not good. And how could it be?

[00:32:49] I mean, nothing. Yeah. And then so, and you go to the hospital, right? Because it's probably pretty dangerous then, right? After the netball final though. We have to remember after the netball final. So you go to the netball final.

[00:33:01] I play. But we were currently up by one point and they needed me apparently. So they kept me on. We ended up winning by seven. You could argue it was worth it. Yes, I'd like to think so. I might've just lost like 500 listeners from that comment, but whatever.

[00:33:18] Yeah. So I finished by the end, my hand was white and I couldn't play. I couldn't use it by the end of the game. You might've done some longer term damage by not getting to the hospital sooner.

[00:33:32] I might have. But yeah, the next day went to the surgeons, like the plastic surgeons, and they put me on, I think it was like a four hour surgery to fix it. They said I damaged,

[00:33:45] like severed, completely severed my tendons. So like straight through. And then obviously did damage to the muscle belly too that was in there. So there was that one. What do you think about when you look at the scar?

[00:33:56] I mean, it looks, it's a Harry Potter scar. So it goes like there, there, there. It's pretty big. And I get asked about it quite a lot. I just say I broke my hand. They're like,

[00:34:05] wow, did it go through your skin? I was like, we could say that. I kind of just say yes. And I let it go. But it is quite sad when I see it, especially cause I have like no feeling all there

[00:34:17] cause I went through some nerves too. But I also like to look at it in a sense and remind me what I've gone through. And also that's where to not go next time. And when was that? End of last year. End of 2023. Yep. 2022. Sorry.

[00:34:34] Oh, so you got over a year of not having tried. Yeah. Good run. It was a good run. Touch wood. Yeah. Are you like a regular ideator? Do you remain in that state so to speak? Um, there's definitely some days where I'll wake up and I'll be like,

[00:34:47] God, it's hard to get out of bed and I don't want to be here anymore. Yeah. But it's not so much the suicidal thoughts now. It's more that I just want to self-harm. You're doing that a lot?

[00:34:58] Yes. Yeah. I do have that addictive gene, um, but I'm working on it really hard with my psychologist. She's amazing. She knows that I'm talking to as well. And she said it was a really good idea.

[00:35:10] I, you know, I hear that once in a while from people that share with their therapists and I'm like, if I were the therapist, I'd be like, who is this guy? Like, surprised that they trust me.

[00:35:18] Yeah. Well, I talked quite highly of you. So yeah, I just think that the podcast is amazing and it's helped me understand and not be alone. That's big. People don't get it. No, I know that for sure. Some do.

[00:35:32] I would get told quite often. It's just all in my head and you can just think about it. And that was quite difficult to hear because yes, it is in my head, but you can't just. Are you suggesting I'm making it up intentionally? Are you suggesting?

[00:35:43] Yes. Obviously my brains involved. Feel like some people think it's for attention. If I did it for attention, I wouldn't cover it all up and I'd be like, well, not necessarily who, but you know. Yeah, of course. So even though you haven't tried at some point,

[00:36:00] you're looking for a podcast with the word suicide in it. Yes, I was. I was looking for some podcasts. Initially I was looking at podcasts for some people with BPD because I couldn't find much on like heaps online or anything like that.

[00:36:16] It was quite difficult to find things for that weren't all negative. I looked, I listened to one or two. I can't really remember the name. I listened to a couple of episodes, didn't really

[00:36:26] like it. And then under related, it had yours on there and I was like, oh. Oh, I'm really glad to hear that my thing sometimes comes up even in the related section.

[00:36:38] If the word you didn't put in suicide, you didn't like, it wasn't suicide that you put in. No. And then like after I listened to it, I scrolled down, looked at like suggested and

[00:36:47] it was like the second one on there. So I pressed on it and then I saw that there was heaps episodes and the ratings were quite good. So I listened to it. It was really good. You look at ratings, matters. Yeah.

[00:36:58] Don't you think this is an awesome time for me to tell people to rate the podcast? They should. So you listen, you thought it was at least okay. We're here. Equally important question. And I

[00:37:08] think I have an idea because you said some of this earlier was that you not only found it, you wanted to talk, you were keen to talk. I don't know if I'm entirely clear why you wanted to, because I think it's well, yeah, you tell me.

[00:37:20] I wanted to share my story because I don't know anybody that went through it so young. I didn't learn the self-harming tendencies from anybody. It just came to me naturally. I never heard about it beforehand. And I think if I had found the podcast earlier, or if I

[00:37:39] knew somebody who was going through it at a young age like me, I probably wouldn't have done the attempts. That's probably a big thing to say, but I probably would have felt less alone. And who knows how that plays out? Sure.

[00:37:52] Yeah. A hundred percent. It's quite hard. I look back quite a bit. I want to be able to look forward and just keep going and being present, but I look back and I reflect on that a

[00:38:02] lot. And if I had somebody or a podcast or anything that I could relate to and not feel alone, it would have made a huge difference for me to be able to share my story. I hope that

[00:38:15] people don't feel as alone. And if they're attempting numerous times that there is light at the end of the tunnel and it can get better. Life is tough and you don't really get a hand manual, but you can get through it. Did you finish high school?

[00:38:33] Yeah, I did. I finished. I got into uni. Where? Just the one in Adelaide and I'm studying occupational therapy. Makes a lot of sense. Now I know not much about Australia, that's clear, but do you live in the

[00:38:47] bush? No, no, no. Yeah. We call it rural cities, so it's kind of like suburban, but it's not really a city. It's kind of just a big town. Yeah. My dad though, he works out in the bush. He would see dingoes and all sorts of emus and- Wow.

[00:39:07] Bombats, a bunch of different deadly snakes. He was playing with one snake, it's called a death adder. I don't know if you've heard of one of those. No, but I know you're not supposed to fucking play with it.

[00:39:17] No, you're not. And he sent my family a video of him poking it once with a stick. And it's this big wide snake that kind of camouflages and it's got this little, it's like a scorpion stinger

[00:39:29] out the side and it uses it and it shakes it like a rattlesnake to bring in its prey, thinking that it's a worm. And then it will poke it and then go boom, and dead animal.

[00:39:40] Wow. But your dad is too big to have been eaten by a snake? No, he was too big to be eaten by it, but he definitely was teasing it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that's out bush. We're just in a rural area. He's amazing. My parents are amazing. I

[00:39:58] did give them a lot of crap when I was younger. And there are times where I feel like they don't necessarily understand, but it's because not many people do. And sometimes I don't even understand.

[00:40:10] But they've been so supportive and have done everything with the intention of trying to help me. There are times where we definitely butt heads and we don't get along sometimes, but again, that's every family. But yeah, they've been lifesavers. How many people now we're talking?

[00:40:28] My mom and dad, my sister, two of my best friends, and then my therapist. Whoa. I feel like with you, there's a good number of people that know you've tried at least one time in your life to end your life. Yes. And the responses were very mixed.

[00:40:43] Yeah? Any that were upsetting or rude comment you heard from someone? Yeah. And it stuck with me pretty hard. Obviously high school gossip gets around. So pretty much by the end of it, nearly every kid at the school knew that I overdosed. And they didn't necessarily

[00:41:01] know what I looked like, but they knew my name. Word got back to me pretty quick that I was the drug addict and the OD kid. So that was pretty hard for me to listen to because

[00:41:10] in one sense, I'm like, well, I'm not a drug addict. But in the second sense, I'm like, well, I have overdosed a couple of times. So there is that. So it was kind of the back and

[00:41:20] forth with myself arguing about it and then having it take up so much of my energy. Yeah. But in the same token, I had some people that were really in my corner and really, really,

[00:41:32] really stuck with me. Like my teacher that I had, the good one, I should say. Yes. She was amazing. Just stuck with me and helped me through so much. Obviously we kept it professional because when

[00:41:49] they found out about what happened between my primary school teacher, they were like, this kid needs help and she needs boundaries. But she needs support and to be able to build a good relationship with a teacher, to be able to feel comfortable in a school environment again.

[00:42:05] So her and my school counselor who again, he is amazing too. He was an absolute godsend. I pretty much hung out with him for at least an hour each day at school.

[00:42:16] So I think you had a lot of pretty good people in your life actually, from what you've shared. Yes. I've been really, really lucky. And I think that's another reason why I wanted to come on the

[00:42:24] podcast was because if you looked at me and my life from just viewing it and not really diving into it or you'd think that my life is pretty much perfect, I'm super lucky and I don't want to

[00:42:37] take it for granted anymore. But I wanted to be able to share and express that just because it looks like it's going well, doesn't mean it is. You can have the best support in your life. You

[00:42:47] can have the most amazing people around you, but sometimes that doesn't necessarily fix it or stop it from happening. When you think about your life, do you imagine it five years out, 10 years out,

[00:42:57] 20 years out? Or is that way too far in the future? I do have a future. I do like to see my future. I do like to dream. I see myself helping people. I see myself helping kids because I was failed by

[00:43:10] the mental health system. Before, actually I didn't mention that before, when I went in for the surgery on my arm, the night before I was actually in the same emergency room saying that

[00:43:23] I wanted to kill myself and they sent me home. Uncommon. I asked for help and they sent me home and as a result, I felt even more alone. It was quite tough. Everyone that knew me well enough

[00:43:35] and knew my story, when they found out, they were not pissed off at me. They were actually quite happy that I was able to speak up and very proud in that sense. But they just were heartbroken

[00:43:48] and annoyed by the way that I was treated in a medical system. Of course. Based on what you said, I'm going to take a guess. You know, the pink and purple pill, you know what I mean? Yes, I do. Yes.

[00:44:00] I always remind the audience, give my guest Scarlett in this case, outside Adelaide, but not in the bush. A pink and purple pill. She takes it, she sleeps, she dies peacefully and no one knows

[00:44:12] it's a suicide. Would you take it? I'd be torn for a little bit. I think I'd stay because the damage I would do if I left would be so much worse and the hearts and the lives that I would break

[00:44:25] and alter is too much damage. Also, I want to be here too. Occupational therapist and you have the dreams. It's like, and those two could co-exist, I'm sure. You can very much be suicidal and dream.

[00:44:37] Yes. But yeah, I wouldn't take it. I've been on the cuff of death. I looked it in the eye and it's not fun. It's not what people think. It's not necessarily how the movies display it.

[00:44:51] It's not peacefully going away to sleep. It's painful for you. It's painful for the people that watch. It's painful for the doctors. It's painful for everybody. Life's too short and it's

[00:45:02] too precious to be able to do that. For me, obviously I can't talk for everybody, but for me, it's too short and it's too precious. My biggest dream is to never have to do that again.

[00:45:15] Or to never feel like I have to do that again. It's a lot of work to put yourself in a position to maybe never feel that way again. Yes. And I'm prepared to do the work. I have weekly therapy. I

[00:45:26] do all these different things on my own. I try to self-soothe. I try to do all this stuff. I really try hard to do it. And it is difficult. Sometimes you'll get out of bed and you'll have those really

[00:45:37] bad days, but again, light at the end of the tunnel and life can get better. Absolutely can. Is there a myth or misconception that we've talked about some of them that sort of came up

[00:45:49] organically, but any of those myths that did not come up that you want to discuss or dispel? Not everyone who tries to commit suicide does it with the intention of gaining popularity or attention. And that goes the same for people with BPD. Not everyone's manipulative in the sense

[00:46:07] that they try to do those things to pull on your heartstrings and they try to get attention through that way. Not everyone. And I guess mental illness doesn't define you either. It's something

[00:46:21] that's part of you, but it doesn't have to be your whole life. Doing what I do now for work has definitely shown me that. I'm doing disability support work at the moment and

[00:46:32] the people I work with are the most amazing humans. And my clients are just beautiful human beings who have changed my perspective on life in a way I never thought about it. The way they

[00:46:45] view life and the way they just go about it, not giving a flying fuck what other people think and getting what they want, like reaching for it and just working. And they inspire me. All

[00:46:58] my clients inspire me. In that sense, I think that's helped me a lot as well. My work is so fun and so rewarding and just watching people grow and being able to help them and be a difference

[00:47:12] for them and being somebody that they let into their life has helped me as well. Yeah, of course. I don't think my clients understand how much I appreciate them. Wow. Don't give a flying fuck is not a bad memoir title name. No.

[00:47:28] I'm not saying it's the winner, but it's not bad. Come on, Scarlett. It's a strong language, but that's sometimes what we need. Okay? Yeah. You know what I'm keen to do or no? Your dog's names. My dog's names. Yeah. This one here that's sleeping, he's a little grumbles.

[00:47:43] Cocker Spaniel, yeah. His name's Alfie. Okay. The other one's in Adelaide, but Indy's currently sleeping. Indy, she's seven. She's a German shepherd. She's a lifesaver. She's been my rock. She reads emotions amazing. It's actually quite

[00:48:02] hard for me sometimes when I'm in such a bad headspace where I feel like I want to self-harm. She'll come in, she'll sit on my bed and she won't leave. She just knows. Amazing.

[00:48:13] An absolutely beautiful dog. The third one, he's my dog. His name's Buddy. A bit of a spunky boy. Oh, I got a photo of the dog on your phone. Yeah. He is my best friend and there's a cat. I guess the cat counts.

[00:48:30] Yeah. She's pretty cool though. She's like a dog. She comes when she's cold most of the time. Her name is Yellow? Winnie. Damn. I've never guessed it right ever once. It's pretty unlikely I'm going to guess the name.

[00:48:42] Yellow is a terrible guess. Winnie, cool. Good names, good dogs, cat. Well, what else would you maybe like to share? If you wrote some stuff down, you might want to have a quick glance to make sure-

[00:48:52] Yeah. I was just thinking, what would I say to my younger self? That question. I'd love to hear what you think. I don't ask it as much as I used to and I don't know why, but do you want to-

[00:49:01] Yeah. My mom always tells me about putting things into perspective. When I was younger, I didn't necessarily do that. It grinds my gears to hear her say that three times a day, but it is one of the most valuable things she's ever said to me.

[00:49:18] Well, when you're younger, that's almost literally the definition of getting older. My parents raised me quite well, I feel. I had to grow up quite quickly. I would like to say I was

[00:49:29] quite mature for my age. Gaining perspective on life and being able to see how other people feel and being able to empathize with them was a game changer for me. Just being able to be more

[00:49:42] selfless and to be able to understand that everyone has their own challenges and everyone's got baggage. I think her instilling that into me and my sister was huge. As much as I hated to hear, put it in perspective, Scarlett. Sear it into your brain. Yeah.

[00:49:59] It's now ingrained in there and thanks, mom, for putting it in there. You know what? I don't know if you're going to have a kid and you're going to be like, there's no way, but you know what you're going to end up saying to your kid?

[00:50:10] Oh my God, it will be. It's so funny, but that's probably what's- It will be. Maybe not verbatim, but- It probably will be something like that. You think they will, any of those people you mentioned or perhaps others will, including you, listen to this when it comes out?

[00:50:27] Yeah, I think a couple will. I won't necessarily post it everywhere because I don't think it's for everyone to listen to. I'll at least send it to my close friends and family. I probably

[00:50:38] will end up sending it to my school counselor that I had because I think it's valuable that he hears it. He did so much for me and I am so grateful for him. Then obviously my best friends

[00:50:50] I'll send it to and then I'll listen to, and my therapist actually wants to listen to it too. I get nervous about that one. Be kind to me. I'm not a therapist. I'm just a guy,

[00:50:58] bald guy in North Carolina trying to have an open conversation. It's all I'm doing. Now, of course, there will be a lot of people who do hear this. Most of them you don't know, but it's a public podcast.

[00:51:08] I'm taking that risk because I think if one of my mom's best friends told me this, I worked with her as well and she's amazing as well. She's like my other mom. She said if

[00:51:20] they listen to this podcast and it's a reason they don't want you or want to hire you, you don't want to be working for them anyways. I think that too. Then obviously one of the people

[00:51:31] I spoke to, she's my best friend by a landslide. She witnessed all of it when I was in primary school and she took it like a champ and she's still here. Somehow she hasn't been scared off.

[00:51:46] At the time it was very underappreciated in the sense that it was just very overlooked and I just didn't realize it until a couple of weeks ago. I was like, oh my God, you've been here through the whole thing. She's just been absolute godsend.

[00:52:00] Incredible technology allows me to be talking to you. You're outside of Adelaide. I'm in the middle of North Carolina. It's yesterday here for you and you're going to go on with your day and later you're going to go do your work where you said you love.

[00:52:17] Yes, I love it. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like work. That's a blessing. That's good. It is a blessing and I want to be able to do that for the rest of my life. Hopefully when I become an occupational therapist, I'll be able to reach more people.

[00:52:31] For sure. Thanks for talking. Thank you for having me. Definitely. It's an honor. All right, Scarlett, appreciate you. You've heard the podcast. Sometimes I'm super awkward at the end, right? Yeah.

[00:52:43] So I'm just going to thank you again and hope your day goes well and leave it at that. Yeah, 100%. Cheers, mate. It was good. Take care. Bye. Thanks. Bye. As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support and special thanks to Scarlett

[00:53:00] Down Under. Thanks, Scarlett. If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com on Facebook or Twitter slash x at suicide noted. And a friendly reminder to check the show notes to learn more about the podcast,

[00:53:16] including our membership. And hey, thanks again to Deanna. She's a new member. Thanks, Deanna. And that is all for episode number 203. Stay strong. Do the best you can. I'll talk to you soon.