Sari in England 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

[00:00:00] I had major seizures in the hospital. I get a lot of like brain fog and a lot of all these things

[00:00:07] you don't know when you're taken over this exactly what happens. By you saving someone,

[00:00:14] you don't know the outcome and they may not live the life. Look at me.

[00:00:30] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast I talk with Suicide

[00:00:47] attempt survivors to the weak and hear their stories. Every year around the world,

[00:00:51] millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it. We certainly

[00:00:56] don't talk about it enough and when we do talk about it, many of us, including me,

[00:01:00] we are not very good at it. So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations

[00:01:05] and hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors. Now if you are a Suicide

[00:01:10] attempt survivor and you'd like to talk please reach out. Hello at SuicideNoted.com on Facebook

[00:01:15] or Twitter at SuicideNoted and you can reach out for other reasons as well. Maybe you have a question,

[00:01:22] maybe you have a comment, you want to learn more about our membership? Check the show notes for

[00:01:26] that among other things. Maybe you just want to share some things and have me read it aloud.

[00:01:31] That's a possibility too. We're open ideas. Let's do it. Now of course we are talking about Suicide

[00:01:37] on this podcast as the name suggests like we've been doing since the summer of 2020. We do not

[00:01:43] hold back so please take that into account before you listen or as you listen but I do hope you

[00:01:48] listen because there is so much to learn. Today I am talking with Sarri. Sarri lives in England

[00:01:55] and she is a Suicide attempt survivor. Hey Sarri! I never ever gone to. I do anything not to

[00:02:06] go on to. And so all the more reason why I'm grateful you're here. Thank you. SARI How do I say your name?

[00:02:14] The English like to call me Sarri, the Americans like to call me Sarri. Make of it what you will. I

[00:02:24] lived in the States for 16 years and I had my name botched so... Right I'll call you Sarri. Okay that's

[00:02:32] you're going to know I'm not a bloke. I'm just a dude from the States. What part of England are

[00:02:37] you in? I'm in London. Where'd you live in the States? I lived in New York so I went to New York for

[00:02:44] undergrad masters and did up staying there for almost 16 years. When did you go back to London?

[00:02:54] This relates to taking over this one of many and it was quite a almost fatal one that left me

[00:03:06] while I was in hospital. I got two hospital bone infections. Okay. That left me parallel.

[00:03:17] This is probably part of our conversation. Yes it's definitely part of the conversation. So I'm

[00:03:23] thinking we might want to get here later. We'll manage, I promise. So what this means Sarri is if you

[00:03:33] were if you back in London in 14 which means you got to this New York in the late 90s. Yes I did.

[00:03:41] I got to New York in 96 and you left in about February 2014. Do you know what that means?

[00:03:51] The better part of at least 11 years you and I were in the same city. Really? Yeah I'm from New

[00:03:58] York. I lived in the city we call it the city if you're listening out there. It's not London,

[00:04:03] it's the city. I lived mostly Manhattan. I finished my tenure there even though I'm from Long Island

[00:04:08] originally in Queens. So where'd you go to undergrad? I did undergrad and masters at

[00:04:14] Parsons School of Science. Your designer? I was. I have lost use of my hands due to contractures

[00:04:23] so I can't write or do anything in that realm. It was a big overdose. Right, was that an intentional

[00:04:33] overdose? Oh they will be an intentional. Okay we're going to get to that stuff. Yeah. Did I say

[00:04:39] thanks for being here? No but thank you for saying that. Of course all I know is that your home

[00:04:46] is got is bright. I could see that a little bit behind you. We don't have to reveal the details

[00:04:50] of where you live of course. I mean who knows who's out there? Geez. Yeah exactly. You've shared

[00:04:57] a couple things already that I want to get back to. When did you find the podcast? Last year.

[00:05:03] I think it was pretty overdose actually. I wasn't looking for your type of podcast. I was actually

[00:05:11] looking more for a podcast to tell me methods. I think it's interesting that you were looking for a

[00:05:18] podcast and to find essentially out how to do it. I'm pretty sure you didn't find that podcast

[00:05:22] because it doesn't exist. I actually found something that led me to something. Sanction suicide?

[00:05:29] Yes. My father was passing away. I had basically looked after him for the Mount Simons for

[00:05:37] past nine years and last year, last summer was I couldn't watch what I was watching anymore.

[00:05:44] If anyone's gone through watching the final months about Simons, it's the most cruel thing

[00:05:51] that you could watch. It truly is and I was incredibly close to my father and I ended up going

[00:05:59] through some kind of psychosis. I kind of go through these periods where I can feel the

[00:06:06] suicide coming up. I know it's going to happen. I want to understand when you were looking for

[00:06:12] something for a podcast. You were looking for ways or methods. All of my attempts have been

[00:06:19] overdosed. When we go back to the very first attempt to what has been the very last attempt,

[00:06:28] we've gone from a baby to my last four have been all nearly fatal.

[00:06:38] Yeah, you learn. I want to better understand from people I talk to what it is. This isn't me.

[00:06:44] I don't mean my ego stock at all. What keeps you listening? I ended up taking the overdose and

[00:06:50] I ended up. It was me if I could. I was in a coma for I think nine days. I was in the hospital for three

[00:06:58] weeks. Only reason I didn't go into a psych ward was the unfortunate passing of my father.

[00:07:06] So they let me out. Then when I got out, found the podcast again and I started

[00:07:14] read this thing and I understood what it was about. It wasn't what I had been looking for in the

[00:07:22] past. I was like, oh, this is something really different. Maybe I could learn something from

[00:07:29] this. Maybe I could listen to other stories, could be helpful in a time like this. And I think

[00:07:37] I listened to almost all your episodes in a matter of three days. Wow, that's called a binge.

[00:07:46] Don't forget I'm paralyzed and they didn't move me for three weeks. So when I came out

[00:07:53] hospital, I was incredibly weak and it took a long time for me to get strong and recover and do

[00:08:01] the rehab. So I had nothing to do except podcast Netflix. You heard a lot of this guy blabbing away.

[00:08:10] I did. It's been 25 years. So chronic suicide, ligation and how old are you? May I ask?

[00:08:18] I'm 46. All right, okay. Looking youthful. Thank you. There's a lot of people who listen is not

[00:08:24] nearly as many people who reach out. So that's the thing I want to ask you. Why'd actually

[00:08:28] talk with me and presumably share it with whoever listens to this wherever they are?

[00:08:32] That was a really good question because for so long I thought God, I'm never going to. I share my

[00:08:38] story with people that I know. I have no problem talking about it with people that I know. There

[00:08:45] was just a feeling one day that there are so many different stories out there. None of us

[00:08:52] are the same. I think it just goes to show people really don't understand. So it's up.

[00:08:59] 100% and even the doctors themselves. And I hope that there are doctors listening in on this

[00:09:07] podcast, which I don't think there are. I really hope it reaches that one day because they could learn

[00:09:14] a lot just goes to show that it's an unknown, you know. I wonder if you're in the majority or the

[00:09:22] minority of people who are at least until this point more comfortable sharing it with family

[00:09:26] close friends than they are strangers. I think if I had to guess I'd say more people

[00:09:30] comfortable sharing it with strangers. My family does not want to. Oh, so you don't talk about

[00:09:37] it with them or you stopped? I do. They had to come to therapy with me but they don't want to.

[00:09:44] That must suck. I have one sister. She's a psychologist. She's a very supportive.

[00:09:51] My other sister, who's a doctor does not want to know. My brother thinks I should thank him

[00:10:00] for saving my life. My mother doesn't want to know. Not wanting to know it doesn't mean it doesn't

[00:10:06] exist. That's an interesting dynamic. Okay. Yeah. She would like to think it doesn't. You're going

[00:10:12] to share this with them when it comes out do you think or maybe just the one sister? Probably

[00:10:16] not. I don't think they have the emotional intelligence to listen to it. Okay. When you were 21,

[00:10:23] this thing started before you were 21. We're sent to a church-ringland boarding school. My mother's

[00:10:32] Jewish, my father's Muslim. Your father is Jewish. Yeah. And my father is Muslim. And then

[00:10:39] and your dad, my mother may ask what country he's originally from or his parents or his parents

[00:10:43] parents? Iran. Okay. So do you speak as it what is it for us see? Well I left when I was like one

[00:10:51] because of the revolution. Now this is getting to be a history podcast. I love it. Yeah.

[00:10:57] The U left Iran slash Persia when the Shah was booted by the Iatola community.

[00:11:02] Is that all my siblings were much older than me and the only spoke Persian. And he brought my

[00:11:09] sail. My parents speak Hebrew and Persian together. It should be noted for our listeners that there

[00:11:15] was a long period of time in Iran where there were a lot of Jews and they had a court on court

[00:11:21] normally. There are still 40,000 Jews in Iran today. So we came here when I was very young and because

[00:11:29] of that, they only spoke to me in English so that the others would learn English. I picked up some

[00:11:36] parts along the way because my aunts and uncles I could speak it like broken. I mean like very

[00:11:45] pigeon. Understand it fully. I would have been happy to do this in Farsi but if you can't speak

[00:11:51] it off. Yeah. I'm sorry. It's not on me. Exactly. We're not doing that.

[00:11:56] Oh, and we're not doing any Hebrew either just by the way. No definitely not.

[00:12:01] You'll do your British English. I'll do my American English. Who cares? It's English.

[00:12:04] Coming over here was quite tall. I had a very bad relationship with my mom. Still do. Very good

[00:12:12] with my dad but I was sent to boarding school. I chose to go to boarding school because I didn't

[00:12:18] want to stay at home but it was very evident that I wasn't English. There was a lot of bullying

[00:12:25] going on but I do not blame that for my issues. It's just kind of that's why things sort of started to

[00:12:34] go on but I don't think any of that is to do with what was to occur later. Okay. It was just a

[00:12:43] shitty upbringing. I moved to New York. I found my freedom first time with my life that I could have

[00:12:50] had because I think it was away from my family. New York in the late 90s was pretty cool, I think.

[00:12:57] I mean we made it cool, I think. Yeah. I kind of messed up because as a foreign student you get

[00:13:05] a one-year visa to stay on. I am the biggest castinator in the world. It's just a very bad trait of

[00:13:16] I just are especially bad with visa stuff. Well exactly. Low and behold I didn't get visa

[00:13:27] and I was too scared to tell my parents that you know that just spent all this money on college

[00:13:34] and I wasn't staying a year to work and I don't know how there are eating sort of issues in my family.

[00:13:43] I'd never had one until then all of a sudden it just like hit me like a butter. I think out of

[00:13:52] anxiety started binge eating. I was so nervous about telling my parents and about all of this.

[00:14:00] I didn't understand and I hated the feeling so much because I'm also the biggest control freak.

[00:14:09] You're so out of control in that situation. So my first overdose was that summer and I took

[00:14:20] 200 times with the intent to die. Every single one of my overdoses has been with the intent today.

[00:14:28] Do you know how many overdoses you have? So roughly about 18 right now. And this goes from 21

[00:14:36] to when was your most recent one last year? Last August. So at 21. I worked up the next day just

[00:14:44] maybe even not the next day, maybe two days later and I just ran to my bathroom vomiting. And I was like

[00:14:52] well I didn't work you know clearly and I remember just going to a deli and buying like the biggest

[00:15:00] bottle of coke I could find. And I was like that's all like stomach. I was like shit okay well

[00:15:08] my parents coming graduation in two days and I'm gonna tell them and I told them and whatever

[00:15:15] I moved back to London like two months later. I did tell them about the overdoses and I was sent

[00:15:21] to every psychiatrist and every whatever put on 100 different meds that made me so insane

[00:15:30] when pretty much immediately as soon as I got to London I took another overdose with all the

[00:15:38] meds that I was on which was a lot. At that time they were prescribing benzo's like candy. I

[00:15:45] was found pretty quickly I mean obviously that overdose wasn't gonna work but I was putting cypher.

[00:15:52] Cypher number one or only one? Oh no there are plenty of cypher. We have to we have to figure out

[00:15:59] with your story here which things to go deeply with and which not because 18 overdoses.

[00:16:05] Yeah but there are only really a few that need to be so this was cycord in an English

[00:16:13] and I'm all for the NHS but there are some things that are quite interesting let's just say that

[00:16:20] I was a chainsmoker at that time and I literally then had gone from binge eating to not eat it

[00:16:27] so I went through chainsmoking to like just not eating and refusing to eat to anyone

[00:16:35] and my parents were like okay we got to get her out of there and we had insurance since it

[00:16:41] put me in a pro-boss well and that was even worse. Is that right? Yeah my sister was getting married

[00:16:49] September 1st so I had to be out for the wedding so we manipulated it so that I got out.

[00:16:56] How many days or weeks were you in both hospitals for that whole thing?

[00:17:00] Bad one. Was it any of it helpful? No it was a month to please my parents to say okay we're doing

[00:17:07] something. Did you get to your sister's wedding? I did so I stayed in London for a few years and

[00:17:14] actually was pretty stable for a number of years no attempts. No. Kind of interesting to hear

[00:17:21] because it doesn't sound like anything else changed. Well I think the eating disorder wasn't there

[00:17:27] and that's what threw me initially. I started working but I hated London and all I wanted to do was

[00:17:35] go back to New York. That's music to my ears sir. My parents agreed that I could go and do my

[00:17:41] masters in New York. Back to Parsons. Parsons we go. New York is for me like the greatest city but

[00:17:49] it's also a very I'm missing something and this is what I do. I dissociate from it. When I was 22

[00:17:58] I went away with my parents. This is very hot so where I was raped by two people for 12 hours

[00:18:07] straight at gunpoint. Thing is is that I dissociated from it for 10 years, blotted out. This now leads

[00:18:17] into the major overdoses because when I was about 31 I started having hallucinations. I started

[00:18:27] remembering things. Remembering that something had happened to me and I didn't know what. I became

[00:18:36] quite psychotic. I was doing like crazy things like I ran out of my apartment one night into like

[00:18:44] central pop and no shoes on in the middle of winter and snow and like I was just doing like

[00:18:50] weirdest things. And I was being sent to doctors and they said we don't know what's wrong

[00:18:56] and I took a major overdose. Just so the timeline is clear for people who are listening.

[00:19:02] You go back to London. You're a hospital. You go to a hospital or two hospitals for about a month.

[00:19:08] Yes. At some point around that time in your life when you said you were getting stable

[00:19:14] this thing happens where you were soft at gunpoint. Yes. You disassociate. At some point after that

[00:19:21] you go to Parsons for your grad school. Yes. At some point during or after grad school because

[00:19:27] you're able to stay in New York for while it sounds like. Yes, because I've got the visa this time

[00:19:33] and I'd carried on getting visas so I could work and I stayed in New York all the time.

[00:19:39] And in New York something happens and you aren't okay. I start having flashbacks. How old were

[00:19:46] you about that? Do you remember like it was worth 10 years later. So your 20s once you go back to

[00:19:51] New York are kind of stable. They're kind of stable. I have a lot of anxiety but they're kind of stable

[00:19:58] and something happens around a Thanksgiving right. It was weekend of Thanksgiving. I went to my friends.

[00:20:07] I just couldn't handle being an environment. There was something there that was triggering me

[00:20:15] and so I left early and on the Friday night I took an overdose and it was a very large overdose

[00:20:24] and I was thinking oh everyone's on Thanksgiving no one's gonna notice that I'm not around or whatever

[00:20:34] on the Monday morning. Apparently a friend had been trying to get hold of me the whole weekend

[00:20:44] and he realized like that he couldn't get hold of me and so he actually came to my building

[00:20:51] and he got them to know the door down and the paramedics said I had been 10 minutes later. I would have

[00:21:00] been dead. Let me ask you a question. I'm Emma Ad. That's one of them. Yes. You've listened to the podcast.

[00:21:08] Yeah. Not only that, were you mad then? Do you remember? So I went into the hospital. I was out of it

[00:21:17] some time. I think I was there for two weeks and then I went into inpatient into I don't know

[00:21:26] you know Saint Luke's up on 116. I used to live up near there. That's one crazy impatient. Let me tell

[00:21:34] you. No, I haven't been inside. Yeah it's not fun and I was there for seven weeks. Oh Jesus.

[00:21:44] I could write a book about that experience. Well you know I'm the king of memoir titles so we can get

[00:21:50] it. We can get it right now seven weeks. Seven weeks is a good title. Seven weeks. I'm just

[00:21:56] saying it's a gift. Sorry again, I want to glow but yeah. Whatever it's called me seven weeks in

[00:22:03] subtitle. Okay. You're a memoir or book you do whatever you want. You know if I have a

[00:22:08] superpower I'm gonna just talk. I gotta use it. Yeah that was back in 2010.

[00:22:15] Back in New York you're dealing with anxiety. You're mostly we could say stable-ish and then

[00:22:21] you have the Thanksgiving and almost dying and being in a hospital called Saint Luke's for several

[00:22:27] weeks which sounded very very awful. I mean the amount of times like if you did something wrong

[00:22:32] they would just date you handcuff you to your bed. It's not called Saint Luke's prison but we could.

[00:22:39] Yeah. We could and people might scoff at that. No you're wrong. I am selling you you're not right.

[00:22:44] Yeah. When you get out of this place. I got out of this place and I immediately found a very good

[00:22:53] trauma therapist which is what I was instructed to do because they realized that I was having

[00:22:59] these intense flashbacks from you saw. And they didn't well they didn't know what because I hadn't told

[00:23:07] them but they knew something was going on. I had this really good therapist that I was with

[00:23:15] for about three years and she was the one that sort of got me to experience trauma therapies the

[00:23:25] most horrible thing. Yeah. You experience all the memories you go through it as though it's

[00:23:31] physically happening to you. I mean, I was hysterical for weeks and that's when we realized

[00:23:41] it happened. I actually remember exactly who it was. It was two people that I knew. Can

[00:23:48] I ask about this or no? Yeah. So just to be clear, two people that you knew. Yes.

[00:23:54] 12 hours at gunpoint. So I was in Israel and they were as really soldiers and one of them was my

[00:24:03] friend boyfriend. Were they caught, you know? It was too late and we could have gone that route

[00:24:11] so we went rather than my dad went and looked into it and they said it's a very high chance that

[00:24:20] because there's no physical evidence, they're not going to get caught and then the victim feels

[00:24:26] like they're being revictimized all over again. And so it's a dangerous game you're paying.

[00:24:34] Yeah. Your parents knew about that? Well, I was in therapy and we sort of got to the point

[00:24:40] that I was told to tell them because they could never understand why I was taking what these

[00:24:45] overdoses. And so now it finally came out. My mom said the most awful thing to me. She said,

[00:24:53] well, girls only get ready to ask for it. Yeah. I kind of lost it. Still a burn of content

[00:25:02] in with us today. I carried on this trauma therapy for a while but it ended up becoming

[00:25:10] too much for me. It was like it was bringing out too much, it was bringing out like it's almost

[00:25:16] like your vomiting go like and it's like you've got nowhere for it to go. You can't channel it.

[00:25:23] Released I had nowhere to channel it and so I just started to go a bit more crazy. That was when

[00:25:34] on New Year's Eve of 2013 I took my worst overdose yet. In New York City?

[00:25:43] Yeah and I had been hoarding this overdose for about four months.

[00:25:50] Oh, so you were planning?

[00:25:53] I was waiting for it to come and it was probably the worst cocktail of medicine you could ever get.

[00:26:01] I'm not going to say it because I don't want anyone to hear this and think, oh, that's a great

[00:26:07] cocktail but it was back. This was the kind of podcast you were looking for originally?

[00:26:12] Well, yeah exactly. You had been back in New York for several years.

[00:26:18] Yeah. Particularly when you start to go to this particular or the trauma therapy.

[00:26:25] Are you able to function day to day?

[00:26:28] This is the crazy thing. I'm extremely high functioning, especially under pressure.

[00:26:35] So I was working almost 14 hour days, 15 hour days. Like I said, I was existing on cigarettes coffee and

[00:26:47] fruio. They don't make a cigarette or tobacco flavored fruio do they?

[00:26:51] No, but they probably should.

[00:26:53] You probably should. Hello, I want to be part of this business partnership. Were you in the

[00:26:57] design field? No, I was actually working for investment banks. They consolidate it out like

[00:27:07] for their ultra high network clients. They want special events done.

[00:27:12] You lost me an investment banking to be honest.

[00:27:15] Yeah. All right. Cool. The job's a job.

[00:27:17] New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve, I took a very bad overdose.

[00:27:23] This is the one that I only found out last year that my brother who was living in Moscow

[00:27:30] came to not my daughter. How did he know?

[00:27:35] They knew because my parents had just been with me and they said that I was acting

[00:27:41] often they felt another overdose coming on. It was three days later that he got to me.

[00:27:48] I was out. I was sleeping like a baby.

[00:27:52] You take the overdose so he gets there on January 3rd or 4th?

[00:27:55] Yeah. So you were literally almost unconscious all time?

[00:27:58] I wasn't conscious all time. That's essentially like a baby. That's almost dead. Is that the same thing?

[00:28:05] Well, yeah. That's what the parent really said.

[00:28:07] And again, I was in a coma for about...

[00:28:12] I think this one was about four or five days and this is the one that my brother wants me to thank him

[00:28:18] for saving my life. And I said, I never asked you to. So I'm not going to thank you.

[00:28:24] Right. Because what he didn't understand is you wanted to die.

[00:28:28] Exactly.

[00:28:28] So he saved you from what you wanted?

[00:28:31] Exactly.

[00:28:32] It's more than 10 years later. Do you wish you had died?

[00:28:35] Yeah.

[00:28:36] Do you wish you had died on all your attempts?

[00:28:38] Yeah.

[00:28:39] Not then, I mean now.

[00:28:40] Yeah.

[00:28:41] Do you don't want to be alive?

[00:28:42] No.

[00:28:43] And then I'm not going to ask you the pink and purple pill questions because I know the answer.

[00:28:47] Exactly.

[00:28:47] Okay.

[00:28:48] Can we go back to the hospital?

[00:28:50] Swam in hospital and I caught both C. difficile and Campyra back at the same time.

[00:28:58] They're both hospital-born infections.

[00:29:01] I don't know how common they are.

[00:29:03] Wow.

[00:29:04] And I remember they were getting me ready for discharge to send me to another

[00:29:10] cycle and they said, okay, you know, you haven't walked for a few days

[00:29:16] in good to be in two weeks.

[00:29:17] They said, let's see how your walking is.

[00:29:20] I stood up and I literally fell like a raggedy and doll just clucks.

[00:29:26] And the doctor looked at me and he's like, why did you do that?

[00:29:30] And I said, well, I didn't exactly do it on purpose.

[00:29:33] So you were already paralyzed?

[00:29:35] Yeah.

[00:29:36] It's called Gionberry Syndrome and you become paralyzed within 24 hours.

[00:29:45] The reason why so many people don't know about it is that most 80%

[00:29:50] people that get it recover within a week to a year,

[00:29:57] I am part of the 20% that won't recover.

[00:30:02] So it gets to a point whether that's a year or whatever it is where

[00:30:05] now it's not reversible?

[00:30:07] When did you learn that you were?

[00:30:09] Was it that moment?

[00:30:10] So I was in hospital in New York for six weeks

[00:30:15] in the ICU and then my insurance started putting the brakes on.

[00:30:21] I think at that point we reached like $500,000.

[00:30:26] So they're treating mainly this new thing that you just got there for that long?

[00:30:32] Yeah.

[00:30:32] And so I got air ambulance back to the UK.

[00:30:37] I was in hospital for 10 months before I came home.

[00:30:44] 10 months?

[00:30:45] Yeah.

[00:30:46] Doing what?

[00:30:47] I was in ICU for about three months and then the rest of it was rehab

[00:30:54] because I was paralyzed head to toe.

[00:30:56] The way it works is that you become paralyzed toe to head when you gain your

[00:31:03] nerve function back.

[00:31:04] It's from your head to toe.

[00:31:06] So it took about six months for my arms to move and then finally I got to the point

[00:31:14] where now I'm up to my hips but this was 10 years ago so I'm not going to get

[00:31:20] any more function back.

[00:31:21] So right now you don't have the function of waste down.

[00:31:25] Yeah and like I said, I have contractures in my hands so some of my hand movements don't work.

[00:31:32] And at the time it should be noted like you're in your mid-30s.

[00:31:36] Yeah.

[00:31:37] I'm going to ask this question because we're talking about suicide.

[00:31:40] I don't mean to like poor fuel on fire so to speak.

[00:31:44] When you realize that you are paralyzed you are already before you were in the hospital

[00:31:50] originally because you overdose because you wanted to die.

[00:31:53] I'm trying to imagine of course I can't but one tries their best to put oneself in shoes right?

[00:32:00] Others shoes.

[00:32:01] A suicidal person enters a hospital and now they're paralyzed and now they're somewhere else

[00:32:08] another country.

[00:32:09] This woman in her mid-30s in a hospital for a very long period of time

[00:32:15] and for much of that you either can't move at all or you're having to work really hard

[00:32:20] to get some access to some of those things back.

[00:32:23] And all the while you don't want to be alive I'm imagining.

[00:32:26] So how do you do the therapy?

[00:32:28] How do you do the rehab?

[00:32:29] What makes you do that?

[00:32:30] Because I would imagine a lot of people, some people this person would be like,

[00:32:34] nah fuck that.

[00:32:36] It was the only way for me to get home and leave me you don't want to be in hospital.

[00:32:43] So I sort of thought through it and then let me do this to get a home.

[00:32:50] Okay.

[00:32:51] I never let learn because I need people all the time.

[00:32:58] You know, it's very hard to do things without people.

[00:33:01] I drop a phone at any detail.

[00:33:03] There are people around all the time.

[00:33:06] In fact, this is probably the first hour I've had myself in life.

[00:33:10] The longest time ever and it's pretty nice.

[00:33:14] So planning suicide is...

[00:33:18] Did you start planning in the hospital once you knew I'm going to get out

[00:33:21] and I'm going to kill myself?

[00:33:22] No, actually I didn't.

[00:33:24] Again, I was quite stable for about six years.

[00:33:28] So did you so you came to accept this as going to be your life?

[00:33:31] I don't know if the words accept but maybe accept is the word life was just different.

[00:33:37] This is going to sound very weird but big part for me was that,

[00:33:44] you know, the rape that had such a profound effect on me.

[00:33:48] And it was like, well here I am, I'm in a chair and now no one's going to want to look.

[00:33:54] I am not attractive to anyone.

[00:33:57] No one is going to want to talk, you know.

[00:34:00] And so that has almost become...

[00:34:03] I'm invincible to me.

[00:34:05] Invincible or invisible?

[00:34:07] Invisible, sorry.

[00:34:08] So it's like I think that protects me and I feel better because of that

[00:34:14] that has made me better in some way.

[00:34:19] Wow yeah.

[00:34:20] It hasn't taken a lot of the shoot away but it's taken large chunk of it all.

[00:34:27] I'm going to try to articulate something that just came up for me.

[00:34:31] The idea that an I'm paraphrasing some here,

[00:34:35] losing your body and you're in a wheelchair.

[00:34:38] Yeah.

[00:34:38] And the fact that for years now you've been...

[00:34:41] And I don't know how men feel but how you feel that you're invisible

[00:34:45] and that that's helped?

[00:34:47] I don't think I've ever heard.

[00:34:49] How do I say this?

[00:34:50] A more powerful example of what that kind of thing can do to another human being,

[00:34:56] that kind of a soul?

[00:34:57] Why don't think men realize what?

[00:35:02] I think you're probably right.

[00:35:03] What they're doing.

[00:35:05] Right.

[00:35:06] The effect of what they're doing.

[00:35:08] Now you're here and someone will hear this, let's hope and say,

[00:35:12] ah who knows?

[00:35:14] I don't know if you can change how people think.

[00:35:16] I really don't.

[00:35:17] I do.

[00:35:18] And I don't know if people care.

[00:35:20] My feelings that they don't.

[00:35:22] Yeah.

[00:35:23] Right.

[00:35:24] And people who do that...

[00:35:26] My name is Ghibbyshire.

[00:35:27] So since you've been out 10 years, nine years, 10 years,

[00:35:31] if my numbers are correct here,

[00:35:32] you've had multiple overdoses where you are somewhat regularly trying to end your life

[00:35:39] and probably when you're not planning to end your life,

[00:35:42] you know, you're thinking about it and then stockpiling all that goes into it,

[00:35:46] all the while people are around you a lot.

[00:35:48] So you have to be like quite and secretive and super...

[00:35:50] Though it's quite interesting, I just found out that in UK,

[00:35:55] we can now sign advanced care directives.

[00:36:00] So when you're older, you sign the DNL.

[00:36:04] I don't want to be resuscitated if I'm like, for example, my father with his old sign.

[00:36:10] He didn't want to be resuscitated.

[00:36:13] So an advanced care directive is that if I get a terminal illness or if I get a

[00:36:20] brain tumor or something, I have decided to refuse treatment.

[00:36:24] The only thing I want is to be made comfortable with pain treatment.

[00:36:30] I have then gotten to written a statement saying that in the case of those,

[00:36:36] I do not want CPR.

[00:36:39] I do not want any form of monoloxone.

[00:36:43] I do not want any IV trips.

[00:36:46] I don't want to call an ambulance and I do not want to go to hospital.

[00:36:51] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[00:36:53] Did they accept that?

[00:36:54] Yeah, it's a legally binding document.

[00:36:58] A lot of people do not know that this exists.

[00:37:02] Do you have to say in Scotland and Wales,

[00:37:05] it's not a legally binding document.

[00:37:08] In Britain, it is.

[00:37:10] That's a suicide pact right there.

[00:37:13] Tell me about it.

[00:37:14] Why did you think I signed it?

[00:37:16] When did you sign that?

[00:37:17] Two weeks, sir.

[00:37:18] I had to have my family sign it as well.

[00:37:21] Would your father have been okay with that?

[00:37:23] No, my father was a very spiritual person and he said,

[00:37:28] you can take as many overdoses as you want but your day is chosen for you.

[00:37:33] So it'll work if that's your day.

[00:37:37] It's 18 overdoses, he might be right.

[00:37:40] He might be but my next one might be my day.

[00:37:44] Right, it might be your day.

[00:37:46] So last year before you signed this thing somewhere in the time of finding this podcast

[00:37:52] which is kind of irrelevant but this is how we start the conversation.

[00:37:56] You Odeed?

[00:37:58] Yeah, very badly.

[00:38:00] Your brother wasn't living in Moscow anymore I imagine?

[00:38:03] Unfortunately not.

[00:38:05] Right.

[00:38:06] So I get taken to hospital,

[00:38:10] noticing that I see you for two weeks.

[00:38:14] I don't really remember a lot of it.

[00:38:17] They were pretty awful.

[00:38:18] Yeah, it was there for three weeks.

[00:38:21] And the only reason I got led out was because my father passed

[00:38:25] and so we buried the next day.

[00:38:28] They had to let me out.

[00:38:29] And that's where I was diagnosed as very high functioning

[00:38:36] borderline burst managers to disorder.

[00:38:39] You think they're right?

[00:38:40] You know when I first delve into it, I was like,

[00:38:45] I didn't think so.

[00:38:46] And then there's really, really good podcast called Psychology Unplugged.

[00:38:53] I listened to him again, I binged it and I was just like,

[00:38:58] shit, that's me, that's me, that's me, that's me, that's me.

[00:39:01] So were you borderline in the past but it was undiagnosed?

[00:39:04] Probably so.

[00:39:05] I don't know.

[00:39:06] I've now got to have an assessment.

[00:39:09] I categorically don't want to fear,

[00:39:13] especially not without my club.

[00:39:15] It's been a year.

[00:39:16] No, five months.

[00:39:19] Do you have any idea?

[00:39:20] I think I know the answer here,

[00:39:22] but I'm going to ask why you haven't tried sooner?

[00:39:27] Again, it's sort of like there's all these people around me

[00:39:32] and so it has to be done when there's no.

[00:39:35] I can hear someone in your home right now, right?

[00:39:37] Do you're never alone?

[00:39:38] I will be this week.

[00:39:40] My mother's gone.

[00:39:42] Do you think it's weird that when someone

[00:39:45] shares something like that, I don't say anything other than what I've said?

[00:39:49] Like I don't try to talk you out of it.

[00:39:51] I don't try to give you a resource.

[00:39:53] I don't give you a phone number to call.

[00:39:55] I don't make any suggestions.

[00:39:56] I don't do any of that.

[00:39:58] No, no, just talk and I'm quite glad you don't.

[00:40:01] No, me too.

[00:40:02] I'm so sick of people doing that.

[00:40:05] You've had plenty of that, I'm sure.

[00:40:06] Yeah.

[00:40:07] Odin?

[00:40:08] Actually, no.

[00:40:09] I'm pretty sure I know.

[00:40:11] You actually really don't.

[00:40:14] You might be surprised what I've learned on this podcast.

[00:40:17] No, because there's something

[00:40:18] that I haven't shared on this podcast.

[00:40:22] Well, pray, tell!

[00:40:24] In 2009, I was able to, it was my birthday.

[00:40:29] And I don't know if you remember that.

[00:40:31] That monstrosity of the whole foods on Columbus Circle.

[00:40:35] So I slept on a great, basically broke my pelvis.

[00:40:41] This is all pre-being paralyzed by

[00:40:45] and I had two hip operations,

[00:40:49] spinal operation and two SI joint operations.

[00:40:53] Users.

[00:40:54] As they do in the US, I remember going to the hot to be that day.

[00:41:00] They sent me home with what I didn't know

[00:41:04] and my boyfriend knew and he was just like,

[00:41:07] he was so petri-buttoned.

[00:41:10] They sent me home with 180 oxygoda.

[00:41:14] I was high as a cutie.

[00:41:16] I would have been too.

[00:41:17] And I was a big weed smoker as well,

[00:41:20] so that combination was great.

[00:41:23] They then moved me very quick-town to ventanol.

[00:41:27] Probably felt great too.

[00:41:28] Wonderful!

[00:41:29] I was, I'm not joking you eyes,

[00:41:32] flying as high as a cut.

[00:41:34] Right.

[00:41:34] But they were giving me doses

[00:41:38] that were, could be considered illegal.

[00:41:41] Okay, so when you think about ending your life

[00:41:44] in the past UOD,

[00:41:46] and now we're talking about ventanol and stockpiling

[00:41:50] and we're going to leave it at that.

[00:41:51] Don't want to give anyone any ideas, but okay.

[00:41:54] How many people know that we're talking right now?

[00:41:57] One.

[00:41:58] One of my care.

[00:42:00] I was going to ask about your hospital stays.

[00:42:01] I mean you've been in the hospital if you added up all the days

[00:42:04] for like a couple years probably.

[00:42:05] Probably.

[00:42:06] Both kinds of hospitals.

[00:42:08] Yeah!

[00:42:08] No, I know.

[00:42:10] If you were to share one thought,

[00:42:12] I know this is kind of a corny way to frame it.

[00:42:15] One thing that

[00:42:16] psych units, mental and stuff,

[00:42:18] all of those places where people that are not well go.

[00:42:22] What is the one thing more than anything

[00:42:24] they could be way better at?

[00:42:27] Being more human.

[00:42:28] Yeah.

[00:42:29] Treating us as humans.

[00:42:34] Sorry, my dog is like crying for his food.

[00:42:39] I love when we hear a dog's howl or bark.

[00:42:42] I do.

[00:42:43] What kind of dog do you have?

[00:42:44] French bulldog.

[00:42:45] Uh, what's his name?

[00:42:47] Harkey.

[00:42:48] Harvey the French bulldog.

[00:42:50] Is he like I would imagine he is a good company.

[00:42:54] Very.

[00:42:55] Do you think he knows when you're down?

[00:42:56] Oh, 100%.

[00:42:58] Are you mostly down?

[00:43:00] No.

[00:43:01] I think he's more down than I am.

[00:43:03] You got to help your friend out.

[00:43:04] You got to help Harvey out.

[00:43:06] He really suffered with my dad's passing.

[00:43:10] Wow.

[00:43:10] Yeah.

[00:43:10] Yeah.

[00:43:11] It was hard.

[00:43:12] I'm not sure.

[00:43:13] He lost a body.

[00:43:15] How many people know about your most recent attempt?

[00:43:17] I don't think there's anyone that doesn't.

[00:43:20] How many people do you have in your life to have a conversation with

[00:43:23] that might even discuss the word suicide with?

[00:43:27] There are a lot.

[00:43:28] I just don't do it.

[00:43:29] I am very guarded and closed.

[00:43:33] I put on a happy face and I do the whole thing

[00:43:37] and I've done it my whole life.

[00:43:39] My contiring, sorry?

[00:43:41] But that's the way I was brought up.

[00:43:43] My mother didn't want to hear about your problems

[00:43:47] and you don't talk about them

[00:43:49] and we keep everything to ourselves.

[00:43:52] Right.

[00:43:53] Hence her comment.

[00:43:55] Oh, I remember the comment.

[00:43:57] Yeah.

[00:43:58] So you have maybe borderline personality disorder.

[00:44:01] Have you been diagnosed with anything else over the years

[00:44:04] that you think is accurate?

[00:44:05] Chronic suicide, liation, chronic PTSD and anxiety?

[00:44:11] How many medications do you take daily?

[00:44:13] Whether it's prescribed or not.

[00:44:16] I don't...

[00:44:16] That's what I was going to ask.

[00:44:19] Well, break them up for me.

[00:44:20] What first we'll go with prescribed and then other?

[00:44:23] Okay.

[00:44:24] Opioids prescribed.

[00:44:26] Yeah.

[00:44:27] Bentanol and oxycodone.

[00:44:31] Mental health prescribed.

[00:44:33] Ambient.

[00:44:34] Flotten open and selexer.

[00:44:37] I tried cut me really did not like it.

[00:44:41] I thought I was going like,

[00:44:43] lupilute.

[00:44:46] Okay.

[00:44:47] No ketamine for you.

[00:44:48] No.

[00:44:49] Other than Harvey, what helps?

[00:44:52] If anything.

[00:44:53] I'm not like super depressed everyday.

[00:44:56] I get up a shower, I get dressed,

[00:44:59] I live my function.

[00:45:01] Right.

[00:45:02] I watch Netflix, listen to podcasts,

[00:45:06] I go out,

[00:45:07] see people I do things.

[00:45:10] It's not like I'm sitting there crying.

[00:45:14] I just none of it doesn't do anything for me.

[00:45:18] It doesn't stimulate.

[00:45:20] I get calm home every night and I'm like,

[00:45:23] why?

[00:45:23] What's the point?

[00:45:24] Yeah.

[00:45:25] Are you able to work?

[00:45:26] Yeah, I worked for three years.

[00:45:29] I stopped last year when I had to like take care more of my dad.

[00:45:35] I don't know that I'm ready to go back into work.

[00:45:39] I'm very type 8 and when I work,

[00:45:43] I work seven days a week and I don't do anything else

[00:45:47] and like that takes over my life

[00:45:49] and I don't allow myself to do anything else

[00:45:53] and I don't know if I want to get into that space

[00:45:56] because it's very toxic to me.

[00:45:59] Yeah, any myths or misconceptions

[00:46:03] and it could be about anything that we've talked about.

[00:46:06] That's a tough question.

[00:46:08] I personally don't think itself.

[00:46:12] And I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for that.

[00:46:16] Someone that I know recently

[00:46:19] commits suicide to 50 or near the six year old daughter

[00:46:23] Yeah.

[00:46:24] And she said, I'm just so glad he's not in pain any.

[00:46:29] Wow, how old is she?

[00:46:32] Six.

[00:46:32] Wow!

[00:46:34] Okay.

[00:46:34] It's like, do you stay alive because it's selfish for other people

[00:46:41] but your pain is not, that's not selfish.

[00:46:44] Like it's my pain doesn't warrant being a dress.

[00:46:50] Right, that gets lost in the whole thing.

[00:46:52] Yeah, I have to lay it for you

[00:46:56] who really doesn't get the shit but itself.

[00:47:01] Right.

[00:47:01] I don't buy them.

[00:47:03] When's your birthday?

[00:47:04] Night of July.

[00:47:05] Oh, I'm fourth of July.

[00:47:07] Can't Syrians, bro.

[00:47:08] Can't Syrians.

[00:47:10] I didn't even know that was a word but I love it.

[00:47:13] How does she not know that's a word?

[00:47:16] Wow!

[00:47:17] Who's Judgy?

[00:47:18] Yeah, I'm very judgmental.

[00:47:21] Whatever, I don't never apologize for my stupidity.

[00:47:24] Believe you, mate.

[00:47:25] One other question that I forgot to ask

[00:47:28] when somebody gets that kind of thing in a hospital

[00:47:30] that you got, can you see them?

[00:47:32] Oh!

[00:47:33] Like...

[00:47:34] Your section, they have the right to do anything they want.

[00:47:38] Oh, you mean the infection?

[00:47:40] No because there's no telling like who would get it,

[00:47:47] how you got it, like did I get it from food?

[00:47:50] Did I get it from unfortunately?

[00:47:52] There's just no...

[00:47:54] Not saying you would have taken that route.

[00:47:56] I'm just kind of curious about it.

[00:47:58] Yeah, no there's just no telling.

[00:48:02] It's something that you just have to be really,

[00:48:06] really careful about.

[00:48:08] Really make sure that every doctor in us

[00:48:12] that you're attended by has clean hands,

[00:48:15] just wearing gloves, it's wearing...

[00:48:17] I mean, I know now after that pandemic there,

[00:48:20] but before that, I don't know how careful they were.

[00:48:24] It's tough one.

[00:48:25] You said I'm not depressed.

[00:48:26] Or that's a word you use.

[00:48:28] Like I'm not always depressed.

[00:48:29] Are you angry?

[00:48:30] Yes, I think the people have done it enough times.

[00:48:35] Stop trying to save them.

[00:48:37] That's a note to others.

[00:48:38] Yes, because another thing that happens

[00:48:42] I had major seizures in the hospital.

[00:48:45] I get a lot of like brain fog and a lot of all these things.

[00:48:49] We don't know exactly what's happened,

[00:48:51] but you don't know when you've taken over to us

[00:48:55] exactly what happens.

[00:48:57] And so by you saving someone,

[00:49:00] you don't know the outcome.

[00:49:02] And they may not live the life.

[00:49:05] Look at me, I'm no longer the person that you know once was.

[00:49:10] It's a very different life.

[00:49:12] And so at some point,

[00:49:14] you've got to be prepared that the outcome may not be

[00:49:17] what you think it is or what you want it to be.

[00:49:22] Be prepared for that.

[00:49:23] Number one, and number two, it's just like

[00:49:26] they're doing it that much.

[00:49:28] They're telling me something.

[00:49:29] And that goes back to my theory on it not being selfish.

[00:49:34] Why?

[00:49:34] That thing you signed, that newest thing that was two weeks ago.

[00:49:37] Does that take... does that in effect?

[00:49:39] It's in effect as soon as you get all the signings

[00:49:42] and witnessing in your GP witnesses it

[00:49:45] and signs it and everything yet.

[00:49:47] So I done it.

[00:49:48] Wow.

[00:49:49] I think we all should have drugs

[00:49:52] in the big believer now.

[00:49:54] Me too.

[00:49:55] Is that Harvey that I hear?

[00:49:56] Oh, there he is.

[00:49:57] He's... oh, he's big.

[00:49:59] He weighs 18 kilos.

[00:50:01] Oh, he's a big boy.

[00:50:03] Let me see this.

[00:50:04] Oh my God, he is so cute.

[00:50:07] I didn't realize French bulldogs were that big.

[00:50:09] He's got a big old head.

[00:50:10] You're such a cute.

[00:50:11] His head is bigger than yours.

[00:50:14] What a cute.

[00:50:15] Oh, now he's like getting on the wheelchair.

[00:50:18] And he's like, oh my God.

[00:50:21] Harvey for our listeners is a medium-sized French bulldog.

[00:50:25] He's got a beautiful black coat of fur

[00:50:28] and an adorable face with great big sticking out ears.

[00:50:32] He's perfect.

[00:50:33] But there he is.

[00:50:34] Like his big old snouts right here in my face now.

[00:50:37] Virtual face.

[00:50:38] What else would you like to share, sorry?

[00:50:40] Nothing.

[00:50:41] It's been a really good and interesting talk.

[00:50:45] I've enjoyed it.

[00:50:46] Me too.

[00:50:47] Thanks for talking.

[00:50:49] Thank you.

[00:50:50] Before we leave, tell me about the rest of your day.

[00:50:53] It's really not too much to tell.

[00:50:55] It's like quarter past six years.

[00:50:58] Oh, I mean, it's later there, duh.

[00:51:00] I have a friend coming over for dinner

[00:51:03] and then I don't know.

[00:51:05] What are you watching on Netflix right now?

[00:51:07] You said that you have Netflix.

[00:51:08] There is really nothing to watch right now.

[00:51:11] There's something.

[00:51:12] They never learn stuff.

[00:51:14] I know, but I'm like,

[00:51:16] I want like a binge-upal series.

[00:51:18] I'll give you one.

[00:51:20] I'll give you one.

[00:51:20] You're ready?

[00:51:21] One day.

[00:51:22] I watched it the other day.

[00:51:24] What do you think?

[00:51:26] Did you like the way they ended it?

[00:51:28] You know, if you hear the podcast,

[00:51:30] they never really know how to end them.

[00:51:32] No.

[00:51:33] What are you thinking?

[00:51:33] You're sad.

[00:51:34] Isn't it?

[00:51:35] I hope this long and then it's like,

[00:51:37] oh, it's over.

[00:51:39] I know.

[00:51:40] I mean, I feel the same way.

[00:51:42] Things have to end.

[00:51:43] I know.

[00:51:44] Don't they?

[00:51:44] They're really.

[00:51:45] Yeah.

[00:51:46] So many layers.

[00:51:48] That's truth of things.

[00:51:49] So many layers to that one sentence.

[00:51:52] Exactly.

[00:51:53] So I'm going to keep sending you my pictures

[00:51:56] of New York and guess where they are.

[00:51:58] That would be a really fun game for me.

[00:52:00] The secrets from Sari's phone

[00:52:03] and you had shared with me that you are

[00:52:05] right all kinds of notes

[00:52:06] and there you've got like a book.

[00:52:08] Whoever gets my phone gets gold.

[00:52:11] The posthumous gold.

[00:52:13] Yeah.

[00:52:14] Getting it richer off of you.

[00:52:16] I wouldn't exactly say that, but...

[00:52:19] Maybe they'll just get a good read.

[00:52:21] Maybe they'll be like,

[00:52:22] oh, that makes sense.

[00:52:24] That's why she's such a fucking lunatic.

[00:52:28] So...

[00:52:28] We're just trying to find the fucking words,

[00:52:30] whether they're written or spoken

[00:52:31] so that people get us a little more.

[00:52:33] I think that's a big part of it.

[00:52:35] I completely agree.

[00:52:37] You can argue.

[00:52:38] That's a big part of this whole thing

[00:52:40] I'm doing here with this.

[00:52:41] Yeah, what do you think is great?

[00:52:43] I think it gives people an outlet

[00:52:47] to just let word vomit.

[00:52:50] What's going on?

[00:52:51] You guys should name the podcast.

[00:52:52] Change the name of the podcast to word vomit.

[00:52:54] Absolutely.

[00:52:57] I got a lot of work to do.

[00:52:58] All right.

[00:52:59] Thank you, Sean.

[00:53:00] Bye-bye.

[00:53:01] Take care, bye.

[00:53:05] As always, thanks so much for listening

[00:53:06] and all of your support.

[00:53:08] Special thanks to Sarri across the pan in England.

[00:53:10] Thank you, Sarri.

[00:53:12] If you are a suicide attempt survivor

[00:53:13] and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:53:15] Helloitsuicidenoted.com on Facebook

[00:53:18] or Twitter slash xatsuicidenoted.

[00:53:21] Help us out if you would by rating

[00:53:23] and reviewing the Suicide Noted podcast.

[00:53:25] It helps people find it.

[00:53:26] It really does.

[00:53:27] And of course we want more people to find it.

[00:53:29] Thanks for that.

[00:53:30] And that is all for episode number 208.

[00:53:33] Stay strong.

[00:53:34] Do the best you can.

[00:53:35] I'll talk to you soon.