Naomi in Idaho

[00:00:00] I was really tired. My soul was tired. I remember telling my mom that, like, my soul is tired. Like, I don't want to keep doing this. I didn't think anything could ever change. I didn't think I was capable of feeling happiness. I thought there was, like, actually something wrong with my brain where, like, I couldn't physically ever feel happy.

[00:00:39] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast, I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories.

[00:00:47] Every year around the world, millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it. We certainly don't talk about it enough.

[00:00:53] And when we do talk about it, many of us are not very good at it.

[00:00:57] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors in large part to help more people in more places hopefully feel a little less shitty and a little less alone.

[00:01:09] Now, if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

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[00:02:21] Finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast and I don't hold back.

[00:02:26] So please take that into account before you listen or as you listen.

[00:02:29] But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn.

[00:02:33] Today, I am talking with Naomi.

[00:02:35] Naomi lives in Idaho and she is a suicide attempt survivor.

[00:02:43] Hello, Naomi.

[00:02:44] Hi.

[00:02:45] Where am I speaking to you from?

[00:02:48] I'm in Idaho.

[00:02:49] Ooh, first time for Idaho.

[00:02:50] This is exciting.

[00:02:52] I get so excited about this stuff.

[00:02:53] Anyway, thank you for connecting with me and doing this.

[00:02:58] Yeah.

[00:02:58] If you had a podcast like I do and you were talking with suicide attempt survivors, what would be the best first question to ask?

[00:03:07] Pressure.

[00:03:08] I don't know, honestly.

[00:03:10] That's a good question.

[00:03:12] Let me reframe that slightly.

[00:03:14] And then if you don't know, totally cool.

[00:03:16] I'll just start with a question.

[00:03:18] But what do you want me to ask you first?

[00:03:20] Ask me.

[00:03:21] That was so hard.

[00:03:23] You know, about that day and like the events leading up to it, I guess.

[00:03:27] Tell me about the day and then we'll go back and then lead up to it and you'll probably end up telling me more about that day.

[00:03:34] So give me an idea about that day, including the attempt.

[00:03:37] Is that cool?

[00:03:38] Yeah.

[00:03:38] Awesome.

[00:03:40] Awesome.

[00:03:40] So that day, I knew I was going to do it.

[00:03:43] And the whole week leading up to it, I kept saying, okay, this is going to be the day.

[00:03:48] And then I kept talking myself out of it.

[00:03:50] And I just, I couldn't get myself to do it.

[00:03:52] And I think the main thing that really scared me was that I didn't know what happens after you die.

[00:03:58] And that really freaked me out.

[00:04:00] And I was just scared that I would die and there'd be nothing.

[00:04:03] And that was it.

[00:04:03] But at the same time, I was just very, very lost and hopeless.

[00:04:07] And I ended up just attempting in 2022, in August.

[00:04:13] What happened on that day?

[00:04:14] Like I had spent the whole night awake, just trying to like think of other ways out of, you know, my depression and like things I could do and like think of like other possibilities.

[00:04:24] And eventually I just was like, there's no other way out.

[00:04:28] This is it.

[00:04:28] Like there's nothing, nothing left for me.

[00:04:31] And so I, I took 200 pills and then it's like immediate regret as soon as I did that.

[00:04:36] During or just after?

[00:04:38] I like would take a handful and then like chug water and I just like took them very fast.

[00:04:43] And then as soon as I took both bottles, I like was like, oh my God, what did I just do?

[00:04:49] Kind of thing.

[00:04:50] And you were home?

[00:04:51] Yeah.

[00:04:52] Where you are right now?

[00:04:53] No.

[00:04:55] Okay.

[00:04:55] But alone, I assume.

[00:04:56] Yeah.

[00:04:57] I was living at home with my mom and stepdad at the time.

[00:05:00] I moved out since then.

[00:05:02] Okay.

[00:05:02] So what happens?

[00:05:03] So you, once you're done with the water and the hills, you feel, you said the word was regret?

[00:05:10] Yeah.

[00:05:10] And I was like, I don't like, I just realized in that moment that I didn't want to die and I thought it was too late.

[00:05:17] I thought I was going to die.

[00:05:18] And I called 911 immediately and I was just like begging them not to let me die.

[00:05:24] And I can't remember much of the conversation, but I do remember that the operator kept saying, like telling me, like, I'm so glad you called.

[00:05:33] You did the right thing.

[00:05:34] I'm so glad you called.

[00:05:35] And then the ambulance got there very quick.

[00:05:37] And I was only on the phone with the operator for about two minutes.

[00:05:41] And I was able to get outside and get in the back of the ambulance.

[00:05:47] And then I kind of forgot everything after that.

[00:05:50] It was like, as soon as I sat on the stretcher, I just felt like the delirium hit me.

[00:05:55] And I just like, I stopped remembering everything after that.

[00:05:59] Yeah.

[00:06:00] I guess I was lucid the whole ride to the hospital, but obviously like very like agitated and delirious.

[00:06:07] As soon as I got to the ER, I started having a seizure and I stopped breathing.

[00:06:12] I was tachycardic and I ended up being intubated and put in a coma.

[00:06:18] And I ended up making a full recovery, but I stayed in the hospital for about eight days.

[00:06:23] I was in the ICU for three days.

[00:06:25] And then I got moved to the telemetry unit because my heart wasn't doing great.

[00:06:31] And then my kidneys weren't doing good.

[00:06:33] But I ended up recovering completely from the whole thing.

[00:06:37] And I remember waking up and I was restrained to the bed because they didn't want me to pull the tube out of my bed.

[00:06:43] I have glasses and I cannot see anything without them.

[00:06:46] And I didn't have my glasses on either.

[00:06:48] So I like woke up and didn't know where I was and I couldn't move.

[00:06:53] And then I was trying to scream and I couldn't scream because there's a tube down my throat.

[00:06:57] Yeah.

[00:06:57] Then they were able to take the tube out and, you know, calm me down and everything.

[00:07:01] But that was pretty scary feeling waking up from a coma.

[00:07:05] I bet.

[00:07:06] The whole time I was in the ICU, the nurses and doctors were telling me, like, we don't know how you didn't die because that's enough to kill anyone.

[00:07:14] They were surprised I didn't even need to be life flighted or anything like that either.

[00:07:18] And this is all happening in Idaho?

[00:07:20] Yeah.

[00:07:21] So eight days in that place on the road to recovery.

[00:07:26] But do you go to a mental health facility, psych unit, whatever they're called?

[00:07:30] Yeah.

[00:07:31] Yeah, I did.

[00:07:32] I was placed on a hold and sent to a mental hospital.

[00:07:37] And then I did a month in that hospital and they transferred me to a more intense, I guess, like treatment facility.

[00:07:46] It's state hospital.

[00:07:47] And that's kind of like where the worst of the worst kind of go.

[00:07:50] I could be wrong.

[00:07:52] Idaho, probably not.

[00:07:54] Yeah.

[00:07:54] A ton of money and resources on mental health and all that.

[00:07:57] Maybe.

[00:07:57] No.

[00:07:58] Yeah.

[00:07:58] So state hospital, it's different than any other like hospital that you would usually go to after an attempt because you get court ordered to go there.

[00:08:07] And a judge has to like send you there and you have to go to like mental health court and stuff.

[00:08:12] It's kind of a long process.

[00:08:13] And there's like a long wait list.

[00:08:15] And like most people who want to go there to get the proper treatment and help don't end up getting sent there.

[00:08:21] So I did go there and I spent another month there.

[00:08:24] So I spent a total of two months inpatient after that.

[00:08:28] How would you characterize those two months in the two different facilities?

[00:08:32] I mean, was it overall helpful?

[00:08:36] Really shitty?

[00:08:37] Somewhere in between?

[00:08:38] Both?

[00:08:38] I think overall it was helpful, but I just, I had a lot of time to reflect.

[00:08:43] Even after those two months when I got out, I was still extremely depressed and suicidal.

[00:08:48] Like it still was a long journey after that.

[00:08:51] So of course.

[00:08:53] And that was about two plus years ago, right?

[00:08:55] Yeah.

[00:08:56] I would imagine if you go to all of those hospitals that your mom and stepfather and perhaps mother people know about that.

[00:09:03] How were they?

[00:09:05] Mom, stepdad, others freaked out?

[00:09:07] Supported?

[00:09:08] Yeah.

[00:09:09] Yeah.

[00:09:10] think I got kind of mixed opinions or stuff from people. My mom was definitely like my biggest

[00:09:16] cheerleader going through all of my mental health issues. And she always called me, you know,

[00:09:23] every day. And she came and visited me when I was still in the hospital and ICU and stuff. And

[00:09:29] she was the only one who came and saw me when I was in a coma. And I think my family overall was

[00:09:34] very supportive and they were just really worried about me. Is one of the things you said, and I

[00:09:39] don't want to necessarily harp on or spend too much time on these especially difficult moments.

[00:09:44] You used the word regret. I never want to put words in anybody's mouth, but it sounded like

[00:09:50] more than just regret. It sounded like terror. Because you clearly, you said it so clearly,

[00:09:57] I did not want to die. I wanted to be called 911. You were like, neither of us are poets. At least

[00:10:04] I'm not. But like, what is it like to feel that kind of fear? I think you said, I thought it was

[00:10:11] too late or something like that. So you're in this space, at least until you get to the hospital,

[00:10:16] there's time. Yeah. More than just a minute or two. You think you're dying. Yeah. And at that point,

[00:10:22] you did not want to. What does that feel? That was a very long, long question, Sean. Yeah.

[00:10:27] Hit it out, baby. What does that feel like, Naomi?

[00:10:30] Naomi. It's pretty terrifying. Yeah. Like, cause I, I just took all those pills and I,

[00:10:36] there's nothing I can do after that it's done. So I just thought like, this was it. And it's weird

[00:10:41] because like, I've heard of like people having near death experiences before I had one. And it's

[00:10:47] like, they would talk about how they had some kind of like life review where they like their whole life

[00:10:51] lasts before their eyes. And like, they saw the entire past and then they saw the future as well.

[00:10:56] And like, I, that happened to me as well, where I like, I saw everything that had just ever happened

[00:11:02] to me and then everything that could have happened. Really?

[00:11:05] Yeah. It was very strange, but it's like literally in a split second. Yeah. I can't remember exactly

[00:11:11] like what I saw is obviously very delirious, but like, I also remember a lot from when I was in

[00:11:17] the ER and having a seizure. I had like this out of body experience where I was like at the top of the

[00:11:24] room and I was watching everything happen and I was above my body and it was very strange.

[00:11:30] Yeah. Almost like kind of half disbelieving, like, come on. You can't see the mind, brain and time is

[00:11:37] weird. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I want to hear what happens from that, those hospital stays until today, but,

[00:11:43] but before that, and I know this is also challenging for most, what leads you to that point in 2022?

[00:11:51] 22. How old are you? I'm 21. What do you think were the things that in part led to that day?

[00:11:58] I had started to get extremely depressed in high school. And at the time I was living with my dad

[00:12:03] and he was very neglectful and abusive and just very like creepy towards me and had women over all the

[00:12:11] time. And it was just a very terrible living situation. And I was terrified all the time of him.

[00:12:17] And I think I was already starting to get depressed before I lived with him. And then I moved to

[00:12:23] Washington for the last three years of high school, thinking that would be better for me and my mental

[00:12:30] health. And it just had the complete opposite effect. I haven't talked to my dad since I was 17.

[00:12:36] And I think that really, really affected me for a really long time. Just the whole, everything that

[00:12:41] happened when I was living with him. And then like, even after I was out of that situation,

[00:12:46] I remember crying a lot to my mom and like asking her why, like my dad doesn't love me,

[00:12:51] why he doesn't care about me. And like, how could he do that to, to me? I'm his daughter. And

[00:12:56] I think for a long time I was looking for closure and I really just wanted an apology that I was never

[00:13:11] talked to. And I didn't talk to any of his kids. Like, it's not just me, but I had to come to terms

[00:13:15] with it. It wasn't anything I did. It was, it's all him. Like he has issues with himself and he has

[00:13:22] a lot of undiagnosed mental health issues as well. And. Yeah. You started dealing or navigating or

[00:13:29] suffering from depression in high school. Do you remember kind of when those thoughts start to creep

[00:13:36] in like, you know, suicide's an option, a possibility for me? Yeah. I think the first time I ever thought

[00:13:42] about self-harming or suicide, I was 11. And then I never acted on any of those thoughts until I was

[00:13:49] 17. And that's when COVID started. So I was extremely isolated. And that's when I started to

[00:13:55] self-harm as well. And like things just went downhill very quickly during COVID. I think a lot of people

[00:14:02] got very, very depressed during that time as well, but it was also my senior year of high school. And

[00:14:07] then ended up dropping out my second semester of my senior year as well, because of how bad my

[00:14:12] depression was. And yeah, that's when it really got really bad. When you say self-harm, cutting?

[00:14:18] Yes. So from 17 to 19, how often are you thinking about it in your life? It was an everyday thing. It was

[00:14:24] like at the worst, I think 19 was like the worst that my mental health had ever been. And it was just

[00:14:30] like, that's all I thought about all day was like different ways I could hurt myself or like how I

[00:14:35] could end my life. I was constantly thinking about suicide, like 24 seven. I was very, very miserable

[00:14:40] and very hopeless. And that's probably not the kind of thing that you share with people.

[00:14:45] No. Right. 24 seven, every moment of every day, what stops you? You did try at 19, but that's a

[00:14:53] good many months, if not more. Yeah. There's a certain strength to me that you are able to

[00:14:59] essentially not do it. Yeah. So I actually had a ton of like attempts,

[00:15:04] like between 17 and 19 in that last one. And I was hospitalized more times than I can count. Like

[00:15:10] it had to have been at least 15 or 16 times in the span of like two years. That was like impatient

[00:15:15] because I kept hurting myself. The cough would show up for like welfare checks and I'd get taken away.

[00:15:20] And like, it was, it was pretty bad. And then like, I lived at home with my mom and she'd keep a close

[00:15:26] eye on me. And it was so bad at one point that I couldn't even have like a pill box of like all my

[00:15:31] pills for the week. And my mom would have to give me my pills every morning and every night. And she'd

[00:15:36] watch me take them and swallow them because like, it was that bad. And like, I wasn't allowed to shave.

[00:15:41] If I shaved, I had to do it in the sink with my mom watching or I'd have to just give her the razor

[00:15:47] back afterwards. And it's like, uh, my parents had all the knives locked up. It was, it was pretty bad.

[00:15:52] It was like, I couldn't really hurt myself because like they wouldn't, you know, give me the means to,

[00:15:58] but I obviously still found ways around it. When we started this conversation, you said

[00:16:02] the attempt, but there was many attempts. Yeah. I think that that's usually the one I only ever

[00:16:08] think about because I got so close and that was the worst one. But a lot of them were like,

[00:16:15] I guess minor isn't the right word to use because I think any attempt is bad, but I guess they weren't

[00:16:21] very severe. Like that one was. And it was more of like me trying to just hurt myself and like take

[00:16:27] a handful of pills. I had never like would take anything enough to like actually kill myself

[00:16:33] because I was always too scared. But like at the same time I was in so much pain and I didn't want

[00:16:37] to be alive, but I can never like actually commit to going through with it.

[00:16:43] So let's call these near attempts. Was it always pills?

[00:16:45] Yes. Yeah.

[00:16:47] Do you have any idea why on that day you actually did a whole lot more?

[00:16:51] I was really tired. My soul was tired. I remember telling my mom that like my soul is tired. Like,

[00:16:57] like, I don't want to keep doing this. I just, I didn't think anything could ever change. I didn't

[00:17:02] think I was capable of feeling happiness. I thought there was like actually something wrong with my brain

[00:17:07] where like I couldn't physically ever feel happy. And I just never thought anything would ever

[00:17:13] change in my life. I thought I would end up homeless and I thought, you know, I'd be on disability my

[00:17:18] whole life. I'd have like just a terrible, terrible life if I kept going. And my depression and anxiety

[00:17:25] was so severe that I like, I couldn't bear it another day. Um, and so I just did it.

[00:17:31] I don't want to digress, but when I heard my soul is tired, you've heard the podcast, right?

[00:17:36] I listened a little bit. I had like completely forgot I ever like emailed you about it until you reached

[00:17:43] again. It was like a year, a year ago I reached out. So I, it's been a while since I've, I've listened.

[00:17:48] So what I was going to say is you might not know that I have a gift for memoir titles.

[00:17:52] My soul is tired. If you're ever going to write a memoir, I'm just saying my soul is tired is an

[00:17:58] interesting possibility. Yeah. In 2022, you try in 2023, you reach out to me.

[00:18:05] Obviously we reconnected now about a year later. Did you find the podcast after you attempted?

[00:18:10] Yeah. Yeah. What were you looking for when you happened to find it?

[00:18:13] I was just looking at podcasts about like mental health and I was like, had stumbled upon yours.

[00:18:19] And then I saw that, you know, we could reach out and like be on the podcast.

[00:18:23] So I'm always wondering now here we are, we reconnected in the last, I don't know,

[00:18:27] two, three weeks. Why do you want to talk about it? Cause obviously talking about it with me is not

[00:18:32] the same as a therapist or your mom. And people will hear this conversation unless you tell me later on,

[00:18:37] hey, don't, don't release this. Why'd you want to talk and have other people hear it?

[00:18:42] I think I've become pretty open about my past now with people. I mean, anybody in my life knows about

[00:18:49] it. And I feel like it has a lot to do with my career path, the things I've been through.

[00:18:56] I work in healthcare right now as a medical assistant and about a week I'm going to school

[00:19:00] to be an EMT. Oh, wow. Yeah. And I eventually want to be a flight paramedic. When I tell people

[00:19:07] like my story and then they see where I'm at now and everybody always asks me like, well,

[00:19:13] how did you do that? Because there's like people who are like in their fifties and sixties and they

[00:19:17] never realize the things that you've realized. I don't know. I feel like my story could help people

[00:19:22] and that's what I'm passionate about. And I feel like that's my purpose is to,

[00:19:26] to help people. And then I don't believe in the whole saying, like what doesn't kill you makes you

[00:19:31] stronger. And like, I don't think the bad things that happen to us necessarily make us stronger.

[00:19:36] It's like, if I didn't have like all the trauma growing up, I would still be the same person I am

[00:19:42] today, if not even better and more successful. You know, I don't think it necessarily made me

[00:19:46] stronger, but I think you can find purpose in your pain. And I feel like I found purpose in my pain.

[00:19:51] I feel like my purpose is to pay it forward kind of thing and like, you know, take care of people.

[00:19:57] I've always enjoyed taking care of people. And I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm very

[00:20:02] secure and confident in who I am. And it's just, it's really crazy to think back to just two years

[00:20:09] ago about who I was physically and mentally and emotionally, because I'm like unrecognizable in all

[00:20:15] those ways. And I wish more people knew how possible it is to move on from that kind of stuff

[00:20:21] and live a life without anxiety and depression. And if I can help people in some way that, I don't

[00:20:27] know, that that's what is fulfilling and rewarding to me.

[00:20:32] Were there specific things, whether it's meds, therapy, exercise, God helped you get from,

[00:20:40] you know, you were, you attempted suicide. You were in the hospital for a while. You got out.

[00:20:45] Here we are now. What were the sort of the things that got you to where you are now? I don't know if

[00:20:51] they can find words for those things, but we can try it.

[00:20:54] Yeah. I think a really big thing for healing is having people that you can turn to and people that

[00:21:01] care about you. And I know like, unfortunately not everybody has support and community, but I think

[00:21:07] that, that really, really helped me. After I got out of the two, two month inpatient that I did at the

[00:21:14] mental hospital, my mom and my stepdad and me, we all agreed that I needed to do more once I got out

[00:21:21] because I never really saw any therapist long-term or anything, did anything like that. So I got put in

[00:21:28] an outpatient group therapy program. It's usually, you know, people do it for about a month or two

[00:21:34] and it's full-time and then you go down to part-time. But I was in that program for seven

[00:21:39] months. They told me that's the longest anybody's ever been in the program. So that was extremely

[00:21:44] helpful. You get to be around people who also are struggling and want to get better, but you also

[00:21:50] aren't impatient and you get to go home at the end of the day. But when I was doing that, I met a social

[00:21:56] worker slash therapist, Ryan. We had a very good connection. Like he really helped me a lot through a lot

[00:22:03] of dark times and he was a very big part of my healing. We still talk all the time, not all the

[00:22:09] time, but I did text him and let him know about this podcast and he's very proud of me. And there

[00:22:14] were so many times where like I came into like the building crying and I was like just extremely upset

[00:22:20] and just suicidal and just being unhinged or whatever. And he was always able to calm me down.

[00:22:27] And something I remember with my mom is like whenever I was upset, she can never really like

[00:22:32] calm me down. And she would tell me all the time, like, Naomi, I wish I had the magic words to say

[00:22:38] to you to make you feel better, but I don't. But like with Ryan, it was like he did have the magic

[00:22:42] words. It was like everything he said just like clicked and like made sense. And it was like,

[00:22:47] he believed in me so much and he spoke so much like love and positivity into me. And then it like

[00:22:53] eventually I just started to believe it. And it was just also very strange for me because I

[00:22:58] I never really trusted men and never opened up to men or anything in general. So it was very

[00:23:04] strange that I trusted him so much right off the bat too. And there's so many times where he he saved my

[00:23:11] life. And I told him that too all the time and he knows it. Yeah. So Ryan, Ryan, if you are listening,

[00:23:18] seem like a pretty cool dude. Yes. Was there a point when you, cause you said when you got out of the

[00:23:24] hospital, you were still suicidal that lasts for a period of time. Was there a point when you recall

[00:23:29] not really feeling that way anymore? Yes. It was also very strange. I was still living at home with

[00:23:35] my mom and everything. And I remember just being very suicidal for like a whole week straight.

[00:23:41] And I was going to go through with it again. And I, you know, my mom, she tracks my location and

[00:23:47] everything. So she knows if I stop at the store and like, still, it was still this whole thing where

[00:23:52] like I had no access to pills or knives or razors or anything, but I still found a way to get Benadryl.

[00:23:58] I had like ordered some on Amazon and was able to like get the package and without anybody noticing

[00:24:03] or anything. And I had it in my closet for about a week. One night I was going to go, I was holding

[00:24:09] the bottle of pills and I was like, I can't do this anymore. Like it's not getting better. All of a

[00:24:14] sudden I just like took a deep breath and I felt like I could breathe for the first time. I just like

[00:24:18] looked at the pills and I was like, I don't want to do this. I don't want to die. Like,

[00:24:22] I don't want to die anymore. I want to be alive. I had like texted my mom to come in my room and

[00:24:27] she came in and I gave her the pills and I said, I don't, I don't want to die. And I don't want to

[00:24:32] do this anymore. I want to get better. And I gave her the pills and he calls it my aha moment. It was

[00:24:38] like everything just like clicked in my brain at that moment. It was strange. It was like,

[00:24:43] I had suicidal thoughts after that, but it was more of like passive and not like active suicidal

[00:24:49] thoughts. Like I never, never planned anything after that. I never really considered hurting myself

[00:24:56] again after that day. Sounds like a pretty awesome moment for both you and your mom.

[00:25:01] Are you on meds? I actually, this week is I'm completely off all medications for the first time

[00:25:06] in the last four years. And I feel the best I've ever felt physically or mentally. Um, I was on six

[00:25:13] medications the beginning of this year. Um, so I've gotten off six meds this year. And at one point I was

[00:25:18] on eight medications. So I felt pretty zombie like for a long time. I also never thought I'd be able

[00:25:25] to be off medications completely and like be functioning. I'm very proud of myself. Um, it's

[00:25:31] weird to think about like who I used to be cause it just doesn't even feel like the same person.

[00:25:37] Did you ever get a diagnosis you think is correct?

[00:25:39] Um, I got diagnosed with a few things and I, the therapist I see now and the one I was seeing last

[00:25:45] year, none of them really agreed with it. I initially was diagnosed as bipolar, but I've never

[00:25:52] ever been manic. I was just, I was just severely depressed all the time. So that wouldn't make

[00:25:56] sense. When I was at state hospital, they diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder.

[00:26:01] I definitely don't think that I have that. And I talked to my therapist about that as well.

[00:26:06] She was telling me like, you can't be diagnosed with that under the age of 18. I got diagnosed at

[00:26:12] 19, but she said she still doesn't really like to diagnose people with that under the age of 25

[00:26:17] because your brain's still developing. So she says she doesn't agree with that diagnosis at all. And

[00:26:23] I don't have any, any characteristics or like traits of BPD anymore. So.

[00:26:29] Hmm. So Ryan knows we're talking.

[00:26:32] Yeah.

[00:26:33] Does anybody else know we're talking?

[00:26:34] Yeah. I, I wasn't going to tell anyone, but, and then I, I told like a lot of my family last

[00:26:40] night that I was going to do this.

[00:26:42] It's pretty brave.

[00:26:43] Yeah.

[00:26:44] Families in Idaho.

[00:26:46] Um, I have my mom and my sisters, um, in Idaho and then most of my family's in California.

[00:26:52] Are we talking about potatoes at all on this, uh, conversation or is that?

[00:26:56] No, no.

[00:26:58] No.

[00:26:58] Potatoes don't make a, aren't part of this conversation.

[00:27:02] Sounds like not, I know there are some people that know what you've gone through, including your

[00:27:07] near attempts and the big attack.

[00:27:09] Hmm.

[00:27:09] You know, the pink and purple pill question.

[00:27:11] You probably don't.

[00:27:12] No.

[00:27:12] Okay.

[00:27:13] Cause you said that you, you haven't listened in a while.

[00:27:15] Given what you shared, I'm still going to ask this question, but the pink and purple pill

[00:27:18] is a pill I give you.

[00:27:20] I can do it right now.

[00:27:21] Somehow Matt, you take it, you die peacefully.

[00:27:24] Nobody knows the suicide.

[00:27:26] You just got no pain.

[00:27:28] You can save it.

[00:27:29] You can take it.

[00:27:29] You can throw it out.

[00:27:30] What would you do if I gave that pill to you right now?

[00:27:33] Um, throw it out.

[00:27:34] Had a feeling you were going to say that.

[00:27:36] Not because it's pink and purple.

[00:27:37] You don't care about the color.

[00:27:38] No.

[00:27:39] Okay.

[00:27:39] You're right.

[00:27:40] I just want to be clear that are there any myths or misconceptions around kind of

[00:27:45] anything that has come up, but certainly centered on suicide that you think is bullshit

[00:27:50] and you want to dispel or say, nah, it's not true.

[00:27:53] I don't feel that way.

[00:27:54] I don't agree with the fact that, um, you know, people always say suicide is selfish.

[00:28:00] I understand where people come from when they say that, but I think it takes an incredible

[00:28:05] amount of pain for you to even consider doing something like that.

[00:28:09] And obviously when you're, you're in that state of mind and you're in that pain, you

[00:28:13] don't really, you're not thinking illogically.

[00:28:15] I feel like if you've never felt that kind of depression and pain, you can't really understand

[00:28:21] what would bring someone to do something like that.

[00:28:24] Not selfish.

[00:28:25] Yeah.

[00:28:26] So you're 21.

[00:28:27] Yeah.

[00:28:28] All right.

[00:28:29] Let's go back 10 years, about half your life.

[00:28:31] What would 21 year old Naomi say to 10 or 11 year old Naomi?

[00:28:38] If anything, maybe a little bit of a silly or corny question, but I'm on it.

[00:28:41] I'm on it.

[00:28:41] What would you say to her?

[00:28:43] I think I would tell my younger self that, you know, how you're raised in the environment

[00:28:48] you were raised in doesn't have to define you and your past doesn't have to define you.

[00:28:52] And you always have the ability to keep going and move on and grow.

[00:28:56] I had this question come up too, and like therapy.

[00:29:00] So I feel like if I were to see myself at like 10 or 11 years old, I would just hug her

[00:29:05] and I would tell her like how important, how loved she is and how much her life matters.

[00:29:11] And I would tell her like things are going to be hard for a while, but it doesn't have

[00:29:14] to stay that way.

[00:29:15] It doesn't have to be that way forever.

[00:29:17] Yeah.

[00:29:18] I don't know.

[00:29:19] It's always been a difficult question for me.

[00:29:21] I'm not sure exactly what I would say, but I think I would just hug myself for a long

[00:29:26] time.

[00:29:28] And I, something I've talked about in therapy as well is my only like goal in life is to

[00:29:34] be the person I needed when I was a kid.

[00:29:36] I feel like I've accomplished that.

[00:29:38] And I feel like if, if I was there for my 11 year old self, I think I'd feel safe and

[00:29:43] comfortable around me.

[00:29:44] And that's all I could ever ask.

[00:29:46] If we go into the future 10 years, do we have older you talking to present day you or

[00:29:52] present day you talking to older you?

[00:29:53] Which one makes more sense?

[00:29:55] Older me talking to present me.

[00:29:57] All right.

[00:29:57] What is older you?

[00:29:58] You're probably like this kick-ass paramedic.

[00:30:02] Yeah.

[00:30:03] Life.

[00:30:04] What, what does she say to you today?

[00:30:06] Oh, I've never thought about it that way.

[00:30:08] I think she would just be very proud of me for even making it as far and then, you know,

[00:30:13] not even just being alive, but like being so like just happy and secure with myself.

[00:30:18] I think she would just tell me to keep doing what I'm doing.

[00:30:22] Cause you're going to get to where she is.

[00:30:24] That's the weird.

[00:30:24] Yeah.

[00:30:25] That question.

[00:30:26] It's a weird question, but I kind of like it.

[00:30:28] Yeah.

[00:30:29] Wow.

[00:30:30] What else do you want to talk about?

[00:30:31] If anything, I mean.

[00:30:32] I guess like a big question people ask me a lot is like how I, how I did it, how I like

[00:30:37] made such a huge transformation in myself just in the span of two years.

[00:30:41] And like, I'm only 21 as well.

[00:30:44] I used to think there's like some like secret to happiness.

[00:30:47] Like there's something that I needed or like to make me feel happy.

[00:30:52] And there's just something missing in my life that was making me unhappy.

[00:30:55] I just, I didn't, I never thought I'd be able to feel this level of happiness.

[00:31:00] And I think it all has, it all boils down to just having grit and a growth mindset.

[00:31:06] And I just, you just kind of have to have blind faith.

[00:31:09] It's like, I'd never been happy.

[00:31:11] I'd never loved myself.

[00:31:12] I'd always hated myself a lot, but I had this like blind faith that things were going to

[00:31:17] get better, even though I have zero proof.

[00:31:19] Cause you know, things had never been good for me.

[00:31:22] You just have to, you know, have courage and perseverance and resilience and stuff like

[00:31:28] that, I guess.

[00:31:29] So this is the second week of November.

[00:31:32] It's 12 8 PM Eastern, which is it?

[00:31:35] Is it 10 or 9 48 there?

[00:31:37] Uh, 10 48.

[00:31:38] All right.

[00:31:39] So you're in mountain time zone, I believe.

[00:31:41] Yeah.

[00:31:41] As we speak right now, you'd said earlier at some point in your life and many points,

[00:31:47] it sounds like your soul was tired as we talk right now.

[00:31:51] Is your soul tired?

[00:31:54] Not at all.

[00:31:55] What else do we have to talk about?

[00:31:57] I mean, that's basically is it.

[00:31:58] Yeah.

[00:31:59] I feel like a lot of times when I cry, it's because I'm so happy.

[00:32:03] And it's like, I remember like a month or two ago, I was driving home from work and I was

[00:32:08] irritated.

[00:32:09] I just had a, like a really long day at work and I was upset.

[00:32:13] And then like a good song, like came on the radio and the sun was shining, but it wasn't

[00:32:19] like extremely hot because we had a really bad heat wave here this summer, but it was

[00:32:24] like perfect weather.

[00:32:25] And then, you know, I was singing in my car and then I was on the highway and I drove

[00:32:31] past another lady who was singing in her car and she was really, really into it.

[00:32:35] And it just made me laugh.

[00:32:36] I don't know.

[00:32:37] Something about that moment just made me cry because I was just really happy.

[00:32:40] And it's like just the little things that in your day that make life worth living.

[00:32:46] I very much wish more of those for you.

[00:32:50] Yeah.

[00:32:50] I very much wish you whatever one needs to succeed in your schooling that's upcoming.

[00:32:56] Yeah.

[00:32:57] Sounds very exciting.

[00:32:59] What's the rest of your day like?

[00:33:02] I'm going to hang out with family.

[00:33:04] And then I just recently started going to church again.

[00:33:08] So I'm doing that with my half sister.

[00:33:11] And I do big brother, big sister for the past year as well.

[00:33:15] So I mentor a little girl who's eight.

[00:33:18] I'm going to go see her.

[00:33:20] We're going to go to an indoor playground.

[00:33:22] Sounds like a nice Sunday.

[00:33:23] Yeah.

[00:33:24] Well, thank you for talking with me.

[00:33:26] Thank you for having me.

[00:33:28] Of course.

[00:33:29] My pleasure.

[00:33:29] My pleasure.

[00:33:30] I'm sure, no doubt, people will hear this and be affected by it in ways you are hoping

[00:33:35] they are affected by it.

[00:33:37] Affected by?

[00:33:37] Yeah.

[00:33:38] Sounds not like the right word, but inspired by, affected by, moved by, insert verb.

[00:33:43] I really appreciate it.

[00:33:44] I'm glad we reconnected after a year.

[00:33:46] Yeah.

[00:33:47] And we're talking and here you are.

[00:33:48] So cool.

[00:33:49] Thanks, Naomi.

[00:33:50] I appreciate it.

[00:33:51] Thank you.

[00:33:51] Enjoy your day.

[00:33:52] Thank you.

[00:33:53] Bye.

[00:33:54] Bye.

[00:33:57] As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support.

[00:34:00] And special thanks to Naomi in Idaho.

[00:34:02] Thank you, Naomi.

[00:34:03] If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:34:06] Hello at suicidenoted.com on Facebook or X at Suicide Noted.

[00:34:11] Check the show notes, please, to learn more about our membership as well as our new training.

[00:34:16] You can learn more at notedtraining.com.

[00:34:18] However you are involved, however you support.

[00:34:21] Thank you.

[00:34:22] And that is all for episode number 240.

[00:34:25] Stay strong.

[00:34:26] Do the best you can.

[00:34:27] I'll talk to you soon.