Mimi in Ontario 🇨🇦

[00:00:00] For me, it's waking up and just being mad. Even if I didn't even attempt the night before, I would just wake up, open my eyes, like, why am I still breathing? Why couldn't I have just passed in the night for who knows what reason, any reason at all?

[00:00:35] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast, I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories. Every year around the world, millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it.

[00:00:48] We certainly don't talk about it enough. And when we do talk about it, many of us, including me, are not very good at it. So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations.

[00:01:01] Remember, our main goal here is to help more people in more places feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. So if you've been involved in that as a guest, as a listener, thank you. I want you to know for the month of January,

[00:01:13] I am not home, I don't have my microphone. So the audio production quality of the introduction as well as the outro is not very good. So I hope you can extend a little latitude there. Now, if you are a suicide attempt survivor

[00:01:25] and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com, on Facebook or Twitter at Suicide Noted. As always, check the show notes. There's a lot more to learn there about the podcast, including our membership and an additional way to reach out to us.

[00:01:39] Finally, we are talking about suicide here and we don't hold back. So please take that into account before you listen or as you listen. But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn. Today, I am talking with Mimi. Mimi lives in Ontario

[00:01:54] and she is a suicide attempt survivor. What's up, Mimi? Hey. So you're in the province of Ontario in Canada. Can we say that out loud to people? Yeah. How are you? You know, I'm breathing. Yeah. Big Blue Jays fan? Huge. For real? Yeah. Maple Leafs? No.

[00:02:16] You know what we're talking about here. Yeah. You've heard the podcast. I've heard every episode. No fucking way. Yeah, I actually started a little less than a year ago and I told myself when I got, I think, through the first season,

[00:02:28] I said, if I listen to every single one, I'll reach out. That's amazing. I'm not going to ask you too much about what you think of it because that sounds like I'm just asking you to say nice things. So what I'm going to do instead is say,

[00:02:43] as you've listened to whatever amount, hundred and something episodes, what's something that, I'm putting you on the spot here Mimi, what's something you've thought, I wish he did this thing better or differently or he asked a different question. Like what could I be better at or do better?

[00:02:56] Honestly, through all the episodes that I do remember, there's nothing I would change. You know, you're just giving a space for people to share their stories and a space for people to just listen and relate and sometimes that's all someone needs. Wow. Okay. I'll take that.

[00:03:12] But what I want to ask you first is something you've already brought up, which is your memory. Tell me about that. I was in an accident, I think a little over two years ago now. I've had two brain surgeries. So my memory just isn't all there.

[00:03:26] Short term, long term, both? A little bit of both. Yeah. Car accident? It was a car accident. I replay what happened over and over and over in my head of what I do remember because a lot of it is I have bits and pieces of what has happened

[00:03:40] and a part of me is curious and I want to know, I know the people who were there for the different parts of it to understand what happened in the hospital and afterwards, but that's a curious side

[00:03:50] and then my other side is saying I don't want to learn what happened just because then there's just more things for me to replay. Yeah. Does that have any direct role in suicide attempts? A little bit. I would say my mental health was never really that great

[00:04:05] starting from high school and then it really dipped. I think it was in 2018. It really wasn't that great. I had attempts like three times in a month. It was literally like week after week after week. How old were you? I'm 24. Yeah.

[00:04:19] High school, some stuff started and then shortly after that. Yeah. And then after high school, I went to college. I was doing great. My marks were sky-high, but I just I couldn't do it. Like my mental health was just dipping. So I dropped out.

[00:04:34] I was working at a restaurant, Chipotle, which I'm sure you know of. Me too, yes. I was working there and that's when I did my first, not really first, but the first time I really remember. The three consecutive ones or the two consecutive ones after that

[00:04:48] were like a week apart. And then I was like pretty steady. I wouldn't say I was great, you know, like I was just living. I was breathing and then the accident happened. I just got sick and tired of like the little issues that come up.

[00:05:00] I am very lucky for the way that I've turned out since the accident. Like they didn't know if I was going to talk, if I was going to walk. So I got very lucky, but at the same time it's kind of like I already had shit before, right?

[00:05:10] And then you pile this on and I'm just like I'm done. A couple questions. Can you walk? I can walk. Because I don't know if you can walk as good as you talk, but you're talking like 10 out of 10 here Mimi.

[00:05:20] Yeah, the first time they let me out of the hospital bed, it felt like I was relearning how to walk and that was probably the scariest moment of my life. Yeah, I'm very active. I was always in sports. I love like just doing on my feet anything.

[00:05:34] So like the first time they were like, okay, let's like let's try this. I was so like I was so mad at myself. You talked pretty soon after. I'm pretty sure the moment they because I was in a coma. There's a lot. I was in a coma.

[00:05:46] I'm pretty sure the moment I woke up. I was able to talk. How long did it take you to walk? Well, see that's the thing. I don't remember anything. Okay, there's I know bits and pieces, but there's a lot that I still don't know.

[00:05:57] Does that go back to like not remembering your childhood? Childhood. I can still remember. I think I remember more of the good pieces and I kind of blocked out the bad memory of before the accident is pretty intact.

[00:06:09] It's just like the accident itself and then the after that it's kind of like it's a little blurry. Is it possible that a week after we talk you won't remember it? I'll remember bits and pieces, but there's probably going

[00:06:22] to be good chunks that I just it didn't happen. I was going to ask you about your childhood, but you said you mostly remember the good stuff and not the bad stuff. So there's little bits and pieces of the bad that I still

[00:06:32] remember anything that contributes to this larger conversation around suicide. My parents did divorce when I was very young. I have no idea how old I was. I always say I was probably three because I feel like three

[00:06:43] is when you start making memories and I have no memory of them together. The only memory I have of them together is when they were fighting. That's same here. By the way, same exact now before we get to 2018 because

[00:06:54] we might as well dive in you mentioned something about things getting rocky in high school. If I recall in high school for I have no idea why I think it was grade 10 when it started. I just feeling really low. I stopped hanging out with my friends during lunch.

[00:07:09] I would just put in my headphones and I'll walk the entire lunch. I wouldn't eat. I would just walk thinking about what how much I didn't want to be here. So my suicidality started then does that freak you out a little bit? Not really.

[00:07:23] I feel like I've lived with it since and I don't even remember like myself not thinking about wanting to not be here. So it's kind of normal to this point. So you're saying when you were younger, even though you may remember a lot of things that still applies.

[00:07:36] Yeah, you think you were born to be suicidal or born suicidal? That's a tough question. I feel like it might have been a little bit of like just like nature and nurture, you know, like I grew up with divorced parents. I'm with all these people in school.

[00:07:49] They have their parents together. There weren't many people in my high school or in any school at this point that had their parents split and my parents weren't close. It was like living two different lives when I go to her like different houses.

[00:08:02] It was just like you're always comparing yourself to other people birthdays and Christmas or any holiday and it's kind of like well, you have a family but I'm going to sit at home by myself. Brutal fucking brutal. Do you recall anybody in like junior high high even college

[00:08:15] ending their lives? No, actually. Yes. Yes, I do. I know two people possibly three the third one. I can't remember the first one. She tried multiple times, but she I always told her like if you like come close to crying trying just call me.

[00:08:30] I don't care if it's 3 in the morning or 1 in the afternoon and I'm at work. Just give me a call. I will be there. And so she has tried but like either right before she tries or right after she tries she'll she called me. Oh, wow.

[00:08:43] We were basically like sisters, but we weren't and then I know another person is actually my sister's friend. My sister wasn't in the country for a long vacation. And so her friend calls me and she says Mimi. I just took a ton of pills. Can you come over?

[00:08:57] And so I went over and I told her I'm like, hey, look how many did you take? She couldn't remember and I'm like, okay, like I hate to do this to you because I've been in the hospital before and it's a horrible system even here in Canada.

[00:09:08] We have to go because I just don't know where this is going to lead, you know, like I've done that and it didn't turn out great for me. And if I wasn't in the hospital, I don't know if I would be

[00:09:15] here not saying that I'm grateful for that but that's probably would have happened. And so I brought her to the hospital. I stayed with her. They she ended up lying and they discharged her. So I just stayed the night with her.

[00:09:26] But what if she had said to you understandably maybe particularly after taking a lot of pills, she's not in her and I'm using very big quotes right mind, whatever that means. What if she had said to you in response to you saying the

[00:09:39] thing about well, if I hadn't gone to the hospital, maybe I wouldn't be here. What if she had said I don't want to be here? I think I would have still dragged her. Yeah, like you really especially with overdosing like you

[00:09:51] have no idea where it's going to lead. It could be completely fine. You puke it out right or you have a small seizure like you have no idea where it leads and I'm I told her I'm like, I

[00:09:58] don't know what's going to happen to you because one I'm not a doctor and two you have no idea what you took and how much you took. I took her out. I gave her some food just to get something in her stomach

[00:10:07] because she hasn't eaten all day and then I brought her to the hospital because there's nothing else I could do. Probably not. So what changes so 2018 that's a big year or at least a month of that year was a big month struggling struggling struggling try something changes.

[00:10:21] I feel like I was just out of my mind. I wasn't thinking I was actually at work at Chipotle at that time. I just I knew I wasn't doing great during my breaks. I would just go to my car and I would drink what would you

[00:10:32] drink with any alcohol that I had I would get beer. I would get like coolers. It was never hard alcohol, but I would just sit there and would drink by myself in my car during my breaks and that

[00:10:41] one day the first time I did it in that month. I was drinking. I was listening some music that wasn't exactly happy and I had pills in my car. And so I just downed it all wanting to die. Yeah, I was just over it.

[00:10:55] I was sick and tired of it. I went back to work. I think it was maybe two hours after that. My stomach was killing me. Yeah, I mean as you noticed and so she was like do you want to go home?

[00:11:04] I'm like, I'm not going to leave you one person stranded and we worked at a very busy location. I'm not going to do that to you. It was excruciating pain and by the end of the day, she's

[00:11:13] like, you know what like stay if you really want to stay stay until we close and then I will close your station for you like go home. And so I go home and I ended up who knows what reason I texted

[00:11:24] my best friend at the time and I said this is what I did. And so she said come over drove over to her house and we talked for a bit. I don't think we ever talked about what actually happened. We try to go to sleep.

[00:11:35] I think she told me in the middle of the night. I was just like moaning in pain. And so she drove me to the hospital. And then at the hospital I had a seizure and so because of

[00:11:47] what I did and because of the seizure they kept me for three days. It's like I guess the rule or the law in Ontario where if it's an attempt or any mental health crisis, they hold you for 72 hours. I was stuck there for three days.

[00:11:58] How did they know it was an attempt? My best friend told them. Is this the same best friend that you later helped? No, this is a different one. But three days was enough to sort of evaluate mental health stuff and we feel like good to go.

[00:12:10] See to discharge you after an attempt. They just send a psychiatrist in or whoever it was in to ask you questions and you know how you're supposed to answer to get out right usually. Yeah, so I just lied to them. They're like, do you have any like thoughts?

[00:12:24] Do you have any ideations? Like are you feeling this way? And I just said no and I lied to their them and they discharged me. I'm like great. I'm out of here. Can we roleplay for a second? I never do this and I love roleplay Mimi.

[00:12:34] How are you feeling? Feeling great. You came in here three days ago. You attempted to take your own life. You swallow a bunch of pills could have killed you what's changed in three days that you went from feeling that way to feeling great.

[00:12:47] I saw the reactions of my friends and my family and I just I feel like I want to turn my life around. Oh, that is a good answer. Mimi is you know what you're doing? I've gotten good at it, but still I wouldn't buy it.

[00:13:00] Sorry therapists most of you are awesome. I'm just letting you know how I feel about this particular moment. Yeah, are there like come to Jesus moments? Yeah, but yeah, I feel like they just have so many people that are looking after like if you just answered a certain

[00:13:14] way, they just say I don't care go ahead and again, if you had if they kept you there longer, I might be asking you questions about stuff that hey and it ended up sucking. So like I don't know where to go or what to do.

[00:13:26] There's no right answer here. They also don't ask deep of a question like that. They just basically ask you like do you have any like ideations are you thinking of it? I don't think he ever asked. How are you feeling?

[00:13:37] Okay, I'll leave some of my commentary to the quote unquote professionals. Here's what I know though from what you've already told me not like a mind reading here that month. You have two more attempts. When you leave the hospital after a few days earlier of

[00:13:52] trying to end your life and you didn't see the reactions of your family. That was a lie. That is a lie because the first time I attempted my family had no idea. I just told my mom that I'm staying over at my best friend's house.

[00:14:04] You saw your friends reaction. Yeah, I did. Did that affect you? Yeah, it I felt guilty. I never wanted to put them in that position. I just I feel like I was out of my mind. I was not thinking I just did it. So legitimately did her reaction?

[00:14:20] Well, I know the answer because you try again in a week, but did that have any play in decision-making moving forward? I feel like that whole month was just like my mind was like I'm done. I don't care. I did feel bad.

[00:14:32] I felt very guilty for putting her in that position and making her see everything because she was there for the seizure and we talked about it afterwards. She said when it happened, she just cried in the nurse's arms and the nurse had no idea what to do.

[00:14:47] A nurse doesn't know what to do in that situation. I guess I'm more medical than like, you know, touchy-feely. She was just there crying because she's a crier didn't know what to do in the nurses kind of like they're there always

[00:15:01] two words that everyone wants to hear when they're crying. Yes, they're there. Yep. All right. Hey look nurse does the best she or he can no doubt. Did they help you with the post hospital? Whatever that's called. They just discharged me.

[00:15:14] They gave me no follow-up nothing to go on. They just said yeah, you can go and so I left naturally a week later. I think it was exactly a week. I think I did on a Thursday and then the next Thursday I did

[00:15:26] it again and for some really stupid reason I tell my best friend again. Well, are we talking about the same break at Chipotle with booze and all that same pills? No this time it was pills again. I think I was different pills.

[00:15:40] I can't remember but this time I was at home. Now these old pills prescribed to you. Yeah, it was just whatever they were prescribing. I just took it all think I took all what was in the car the

[00:15:50] first time the second time it was whatever I had at home. I did it. I called my best friend. I still don't know why or didn't call her. I think I texted her and this time because of the seizure

[00:16:01] she instead of telling me to come over she called 911. I hear banging on my door like 15 minutes later and I yell down I'm coming. Yeah, why are you banging on the door? I thought it was her. I open the door and it's cops. It's not ambulance. It's cops.

[00:16:17] Oh, yeah, not surprised but I didn't know how it was in Ontario. Okay, great. It's spreading this fucking epidemic. Wonderful. Yeah, so it was cops they came in and they were like, what did you do? What did you take?

[00:16:30] Where's your like health card because they need it for the hospital. Those are fair questions. Those are fair questions. Were they aggressive with you? Were they okay with you? They were nice good. Then kudos to them.

[00:16:42] I want to just because they talk a lot of shit, but when someone does it the right way good for you. Thank you. Okay. No, they were very nice. The ambulance comes and they're like you have to go to the hospital.

[00:16:52] I'm like what if I don't want to what if I don't go and so they say you don't comply will put you in handcuffs. Yeah, of course and we'll drag you there and so I complied because I'm like either way I'm going to end up there anyways. Sure.

[00:17:04] So we go to the hospital this time. I don't know how my best friend somehow had my mother's number and this time she calls my mom. So I'm in the hospital bed and then I hear my mom's voice. I'm like you I'm I must be like hallucinating.

[00:17:21] I walk out of my room. I see her there. My best friend comes into the room or I go out to her and I said you called my mom. I was so mad at her. I was so mad because like she knew my mom and I aren't exactly

[00:17:34] close. We don't really get along. So I was pretty furious when I found out that she was there and the only way she was there is because someone called had your mom respond. She was nice but because we have like a not the greatest relationship.

[00:17:46] I didn't like it. I was kind of get away from me. Don't touch me. Don't be near me, but she was next to me almost the entire time. Where was your friend at this time?

[00:17:56] She was there for when I got there and then she would like pop in here and they're all stuck there for the three days the first time she came every single day because no one else knew it's the same hospital.

[00:18:06] Yeah, three days your friends in and out your mom's there again. I know because you hear they get the shit out of your system. You go you leave don't you? Yeah, I lied to him again and they let me leave again. But did you say the same lie?

[00:18:20] They asked me the same question. So I'm pretty sure I said the same thing but now your mother was there so you might have been able to get away with it even more because it's like she's right here. I could never do this to her. I don't know.

[00:18:31] They take it. They always take you to a separate room. So no one's near you. Okay, talk to you, but I'm almost certain I said the same exact thing. But did anyone bring up last week?

[00:18:42] I don't think they ever did the doctor on the record of the first one was the same doctor that was on the second one. If you were a doctor there with decision-making power and somebody comes in for the second time in two weeks or one week, what would

[00:18:54] you do? I wouldn't let them leave or I would ask more questions or do something more because they asked the same questions. They did the first time and if the my answers for the first one were completely a lie and I'm saying the same thing from the

[00:19:09] same book the second time like I feel like anybody would know that that's just not true. So do you think that a big reason for that is this? They just don't have enough space or people to accommodate you if you stay longer.

[00:19:23] Yeah, I do think that is a thing because the second time there wasn't enough room in the ER. They keep you in the ER until you're admitted. If you're admitted, you're there for a lot longer. They didn't have room the second time.

[00:19:34] So I was stuck in the hallway the entire time. I was in a bed in the hallway. So you're saying in Ontario at least that part of Ontario or that hospital doesn't have enough space and probably connect to that

[00:19:46] people who work in that hospital to treat the amount of people who are coming in in these situations. Yeah, I agree because the psychiatrist that like talk to me you have to talk to a psychiatrist before getting discharged and his conversation was probably like not even five minutes.

[00:20:02] It was like a list of like maybe five questions of like, are you thinking it or whatever? Like I've said before the entire time you're there you're seeing nurses for like if they're giving charcoal or whatever and then you see the psychiatrist for like less than five minutes.

[00:20:16] And then if you answer the questions like they want you to say it you can leave. Can you think of another time in your life? And I know your memory is not always perfect here where people simply didn't have like the space or the person power to accommodate

[00:20:34] your needs. I don't know if that makes any sense. Here's what I'm thinking and it's maybe apples and oranges the hospital and this high-stakes stuff. I think most people could agree with that high stakes of life is like we're talking about someone's life their well-being.

[00:20:48] I've never gone to I don't like McDonald's but I used to go to McDonald's in my memory of going there and all the times I've gone there and maybe I'm missing one moment here. I never remember anyone saying you know what we just can't do that for you.

[00:20:59] We don't have the people here. There's not enough space bad example, but I always got what I wanted. It's amazing. There's all kinds of situations where magically we do have the space and we do have the people but not for this.

[00:21:11] I got to think of better examples, but you know my line of thought here. Yeah. Yeah, I think here because health care is free like it's paid by our taxes. There's a lot more people going in and out because people aren't

[00:21:24] scared of going because of how much money they have. So like when I go in for triage, they always push me through very very fast because of the overdose like it's not something that can make you sit for hours for but once you're in there, I'm sure they

[00:21:38] have a whole like book of people. They have to see yeah, these are larger questions about different types of health care systems, right? Yeah. Now here's where it gets really interesting in this what mark what month of this is in 2018. What month are we in October?

[00:21:53] All right, attempt one attempt to know. I think it's fair to say at this point. It's a crisis. Yeah, it was a pretty bad month and you get out is this literally next week the exact same thing happens. Yeah, exactly.

[00:22:07] It was literally the Thursday the next Thursday and then Thursday after pills home. Yeah Hospital. No the third time I didn't tell anybody because well the first time my best friend's recommend hospital second time. She called cops third time. I learned my lesson.

[00:22:24] I'm not going to tell anybody in your bedroom. Yeah, after you take all the pills the prior week the Thursday before how are you getting enough pills to take in that might kill you? Oh, I had I stockpiled I was getting prescribed. I think it was antidepressants.

[00:22:39] I had Tylenol and Advil. I just stockpiled I whatever I was getting prescribed and whatever was at home. I just didn't use you go to sleep. See the last one is the most blurry because I wasn't taking

[00:22:51] because the first time by the time it really hit my best friend dragged my loss. But the second time she called the cops and when I went to the hospital, they gave me charcoal so I had no effects of it.

[00:23:02] The third time is the most blurry because like there was no one there it like that really hit my system. I just remember feeling really sick at night. I forced myself to sleep and I just felt sick in the morning,

[00:23:16] but I was mad in the morning because I'm like, how am I still breathing? So you didn't throw up because you wanted to die. Yeah, so you get through the pain somehow you sleep which is remarkable and then I do ask this question not not every not every

[00:23:31] time was like what's it like to wake up, you know having wanting to die and it does sound like you you know the thing about wanting to diverse wanting the pain to go away. Like where are you on that spectrum?

[00:23:42] It's definitely more wanting to get the pain to go away. Yeah, like I do enjoy the good moments in life but like the downs are really down and I'm just tired of having and I'd rather just

[00:23:53] not be here and not have the good moments than have the bad moments. Right? So what are you thinking if you remember on that morning and that third Thursday in October, I was just pissed. I was so mad. I felt so ill. My mind was just so down.

[00:24:11] I was so over it and to wake up after all the physical pain at night. Yeah, I was just so mad at myself. I was mad at the world. I'm like, well if I went through all this physical pain and I'm

[00:24:22] still here, why did I even do it? I thought about hanging. I feel like it's more likely than overdosing especially unlike you don't know what you're taking if you're overdosing but my biggest thing was even though I don't especially like my mom.

[00:24:38] I didn't want her finding me that way jumping off something high for me. It was who am I going to affect who's going to see it? No, if it's something high, it's something more public and I didn't want to do that.

[00:24:49] Then a gun in Canada is very hard to get. I've definitely researched it. Yeah of how to get one for me is kind of like it's when I get in that slump and I'm really think about it like looking at the what

[00:25:02] you have to go through to get a gun is just too much now when you look back it feels like because I know nothing else happens at this level until at least after your car accident. Do you think in 2018 in October 2018 you had like and I'm serious

[00:25:18] here like some sort of bug or some sort of break because it sounds different than before and just after I think for me in October of 2018. It was what's the point of me doing like what's the point of me still

[00:25:32] being here, you know, like I can't even finish school. I dropped out. It's not exactly a dead-end job like to move up your working 50 hours a week, which is ridiculous. I saw no future the Friday or Saturday after the third attempt.

[00:25:46] You might not have known this then you will not attempt again for three four years or maybe you haven't yet. We'll get to that not yet. I shouldn't say yet. This this fucking conversations about suicide fuck my brain. I just assume everyone's killing themselves are trying to it's

[00:26:00] fucked up. Yeah, something shifts back because you don't try again. Do you meet somebody do you get a new job? Does something just lift? I didn't meet anybody. It didn't just lift. I was still in that hole but after trying three times and feeling

[00:26:15] that pain of the third one, I was terrified. I just I never want to feel that pain again, but you kept feeling the same pain that led you to do it. Yeah, like mental pain. It was still there physical pain.

[00:26:28] I would just terrified of doing it again and having to go through that night terrified me. I just so that you know my purple and pink pill question. Yes. So then you would have taken it without a doubt.

[00:26:39] It sounds like without a doubt now we'll ask you about today, but not just yet. We'll tease the audience here a little bit. I know everything in life is significant, but the context of this conversation between October 2018 and your car accident 2021.

[00:26:55] Is anything happening in your life that you feel is especially relevant to this stuff this conversation my mental health didn't get any better. It was pretty steady at just being low but to my memory, I don't

[00:27:09] think I had any attempts in between them when you said earlier the downs are too hard my words here, but the pain associated with the downs are worse than the highs associated with the goods and it's not worth living that down when you say the downs.

[00:27:24] Can you tell me like what does that mean? Because that will look differently for different people for me. It's waking up and just being mad even if I didn't even attempt then the night before I would just wake up open my eyes. Like why am I still breathing?

[00:27:37] Why couldn't I have just passed in the night for who knows what reason any reason at all went to bed wanting to die almost every night. Yeah, so this was consistent. So the but the downs the stuff that led you in the first place to

[00:27:50] attempt does that have a name? I'm a little wary to ascribe labels. Is it is it a certain kind of depression? Is it PTSD is it or something? It doesn't have a name, but it just was awful. I think it's more depression.

[00:28:03] It's just like your mind is just I don't want to be here. I'm done. I'm tired. It's like no matter how much sleep you get you wake up and your body's just like I don't want to function. You ever get treated for it?

[00:28:15] I've seen a couple of doctors. I don't think any doctor has ever said this is what you have. They've always been like this is what I think you have. So they've listed like depression. They at one point they said I think you might have BPD.

[00:28:30] Those were the two big ones that they were like, I think you have but no one's ever said like this is what it is borderline personalities BP. Yeah, do you feel like you have any of that?

[00:28:39] I look at the traits and I did more research on it after he said it because they didn't really explain it. There's definitely certain traits that I identify with but some of the big ones that I feel like a lot of people have that I've

[00:28:50] researched on and they say, you know, like you have these really high highs in your mood to split in a second. I'm like, yeah, I kind of feel that but they talk about how they take it out on other people and I don't do that.

[00:29:02] You know, I feel it but I take it out more on myself and I've never really got the chance to talk to a doctor or psychiatrist about it. So I don't know if I have it. Yeah, it's almost like you want to have it right now.

[00:29:14] At least you have a name and maybe there's a way to treat it better. Yeah, like I would like someone to be like this is what you have but no one's ever done that. So I kind of question it all like do I have depression?

[00:29:24] Do I not have depression? Do I have BPD who got who knows and you get into this car accident and and you take some time to learn how you're in a coma for how long I think it was a week. You're talking eventually you learn to walk.

[00:29:36] When was the accident what month July? So now that's more than two years ago. Yeah in that time. Have you attempted again to my memory and my memory is really bad since then I've done it once since pills. I really don't learn my lesson.

[00:29:54] The answer is yes hospital Mimi's thinking memory stuff. Yeah. No, how long after when was that attempt? Do you remember 2022 2021 this last April so 2023 if I were talking to Mimi on her bed in April 2023 or Mimi on her bed

[00:30:14] in October 2018 and I said some probably annoying question like why are you doing this? So what's wrong want to be a similar answer in those five net five-year span. Yeah, I was just done I think in 2023. So this last April it was much worse.

[00:30:30] I was on top of all the mental shit. Yeah, and I was dealing with before it's now like I have to like to just to do little things that I used to do. No problem. It's a lot more like physically my back hurts. My neck hurts.

[00:30:45] My memory is absolutely shot. My concentration isn't there. So it's just like I just piled on more and I was just I checked out. I was like I'm done. I don't want to deal with this anymore. Like I feel like nothing is looking up, you know, like 2018

[00:30:59] was shit dealt with it for years and then the accident happens like I finally felt like I had my life on track in 2021 right before the accident. I actually got myself to go back to school to finish the program.

[00:31:12] I was already in before I was in the program. My marks were sky-high. I made some great friends and then the accident happens. So like it was just it wasn't great. I think the only reason I didn't attempt between 2021 from the

[00:31:27] Accident to April of this last year was because I was so focused on getting my life back. I kept telling him I just want my life back. I left the hospital. I can work. I couldn't really go out.

[00:31:40] My head was I had half my skull out for five months. So I really wasn't allowed to do anything. I couldn't drive living alone or with a parent or at that time. I was with my mom. Where's your dad all this time?

[00:31:53] He lives like 20-30 minutes away from me. Not very far from between the accident and my last attempt. I was just so focused on getting my life back. I was in school and then I had to drop out again because of the accident. I just couldn't do it.

[00:32:09] They didn't let me go back to school. They didn't let me drive. They didn't really let me go out. I was missing half my skull. So everywhere I went it was like watch your step. Don't hit your head. Don't fall.

[00:32:18] So I was just focused on like go back to school finish it get a job get your life back on track. What were you studying? I was in electrical engineering. Oh interesting. There's no memoir yet. We don't have a name yet.

[00:32:31] We don't have a title for your memoir yet. I'm waiting to see what you come up with. No, you can also pitch something. I'm not very creative. That's why I'm like I'm excited to see what you come up with. Don't be disappointed if nothing comes up.

[00:32:42] I can't always guarantee that. I can't always if I'm making a very big note because I got pressure now. You haven't tried since? Not since April. No. But during this time if my math is correct after the accident, but

[00:32:55] before the attempt you are stumbled across a podcast among others. I'm sure there were many but one is called suicide note and you start listening a lot and you say to yourself at some point if I get through

[00:33:04] all of them, which is a really interesting way to think about it. I'm going to make this goal of mine or whatever to get all of them. And of course while this is happening, there's new ones being added

[00:33:13] if I do to the end then I will consider talking and reaching out. You made it to the end. I did here. We are here's the thing and you've heard me say this before even though we've been doing this for like three and a half years.

[00:33:25] Oh, by the way, we is me. You still have to actively put in as a search term suicide for to come up not mental health not loneliness as far as I know. So you're looking for that. So why I was not in the greatest spot.

[00:33:38] I was looking at mental health podcast, but like a lot of people on your podcast have said it's very like therapeutic and it's like therapist chiming in and I didn't love that because I'm like maybe I'm just stubborn sure, but I didn't want an answer to my problems.

[00:33:52] I just want to hear other people talk about their experiences how they feel just someone to relate to completely raw not edited like they're not censoring what they're saying and they're just saying they're just talking about it and it was just for me.

[00:34:06] It was therapeutic just like hearing someone that I can relate to was huge good reminder everybody that are listening. Hey, take a moment right now on Apple or Spotify. I believe in rate and review suicide. Seriously Mimi. It helps people fucking find it.

[00:34:21] It doesn't even understand what I mean when I say that the more reviews we get it shows up more often. I wish it was easier to find. So the second part of that question is why you wanted to talk about

[00:34:33] you wanted to come on and talk that's part, but why I think for me I set that goal of like if I listen to every single episode, I will reach out. I set that goal because for me to stick with a podcast. I really need to like it.

[00:34:48] Yeah, and especially with this podcast. Like if I like it that much it means it's helping in some way. It's I listen to what I work. What's your work now? I now work in an office non-electrical sadly listening to some podcasts.

[00:35:01] Yeah, so I was just feeling really low. I typed it in and I really liked it and I'm like, you know what if I listen to every single one to me, that means that it's helping me and I've always wanted to help other people in whatever way that

[00:35:13] I can but I'm not exactly outgoing. I'd love to be but I'm not and so I try to help the friends that do know that I struggle with it as much as I can which is why I

[00:35:21] always tell them if you need me at 3 in the morning, I will answer, you know, I have my ringer on full blast all the time for that reason and I've always wanted to help other people.

[00:35:31] And so I said if I listen to every podcast and every single episode I will reach out because if it's helped me that much I want to help other people and there could be someone out there who can relate to my story. Oh for sure.

[00:35:43] I'm going to go back to 2018 and include 2021. You had four attempts that you brought up because I know with memory issues maybe but that's what we're talking about here. How many people know about your first attempt other than your friend who brought you there first attempt?

[00:35:56] She visited her mom visited and then two other friends came so that makes for the second one. Now your mom knows anyone else in addition to your mom and your friend my dad. My mom ended up telling my dad now the third and fourth ones are different.

[00:36:13] Does anybody know about them? The third one. I don't know if anybody knows I don't think I told anybody the fourth one. I actually did when my best friend was at my house, but we've never ever talked about it.

[00:36:29] So I have no idea if she actually does know and then the fourth one I told no one. Well, you told me yeah other than you and now a lot of people now are you going to be alive in let's say late December early January

[00:36:42] whenever it is to hear yourself. Honestly, I've thought about it because I listened to all your episodes and you always ask that for me. I really do take it day by day when I was at my lowest a friend of mine who I consider my older sister.

[00:36:57] She would always say if you can't think about the next year think about the next month. You can't do the next month take the next week. If you can't do the next week do the next day and then if you

[00:37:06] can't do the day take the next hour, you know how it goes. I sure do. That's basically how I've lived for a very long time of like, I don't think a year down the line is kind of like I'm gonna think

[00:37:16] about the next day in this moment, which is a Wednesday in this moment. I feel like I will be but I'd be very happy if I wasn't so that's the perfect transition. It's almost scripted pink purple pill tonight. I would take it. Yes.

[00:37:32] All right, so we're in a quandary a little bit a few more questions and then of course you can add anything else you want. How many people do you have in your life to have conversations in which you can actually talk about suicide? I think right now.

[00:37:44] I really only have one friend. It is not my best friend that I think I could actually talk to about suicide itself. I think if it was just mental health, but like that border between mental health and suicide.

[00:38:00] My sister has always said like just give me a call even if you don't want to talk about it. Like you just want to be busy. Just give me a call. She's always put that out there. How many times have you taken her up on that offer?

[00:38:10] None zero. Is she older? She is older. She just turned if I do the math right. She just turned 27. She did offer and I have thought about it, but she's just so happy go lucky or at least she likes to portray it. Sure, especially around me. Right, right.

[00:38:31] Happy go. Lucky is hard for people. I'm going to say people like us. We're obviously very different people, but what if anything helps you feel better helps you cope. It's weird because I feel like especially for me when people

[00:38:46] associate depression, you think of someone who can't get out of bed can't move doesn't want to do anything, but I think back to Chester Bennington from Lincoln Park and there was one interview. He said if I'm out and out of the house, he's great.

[00:39:00] And I'm the same way. If I'm out and I'm with people and I'm doing things out for dinner or whatever it is, I'm great. But the moment I'm in my house by myself for it could be an hour a couple days.

[00:39:14] I just get into this whole going out is great. It's just once I come back by myself and I'm whatever it is. I just get and I get into this hole sometimes not all the time. Sometimes I just like my time by myself, but sometimes I'm by

[00:39:26] myself and I get into this hole is just a downward spiral memoir. I'm just throwing it out there. What is it the downward spiral? It might sound a little generic. You might want a little more specificity. Well, we'll have an opportunity to re-listen and then we can

[00:39:43] decide that would be kind of a funny thing to put into the the show notes. I've already got too much in there but possible memoir title. I'm a final question, which you know is coming even if you don't

[00:39:54] know it right now and that is the one around myths and or misconceptions. I know you've thought about this one. I have because you sent me the document, of course, and I was like, that's a good one.

[00:40:06] I really want an answer and I've been thinking about it since I think my biggest one is mental health has a look, you know, when people think of mental health and people who deal with it and I feel like a lot of people think about depression is

[00:40:19] the biggest one out there. Anything is someone who's in bed. They can't get out. They can't move. They don't want to do anything but I feel like mental health isn't just that there's a lot of people who are high

[00:40:29] functioning where they feel like shit, but they can't still get out of bed. They can still go to work and go to school. They can do great in their job. They can go to school and get high marks, but like you have no idea what they're dealing with.

[00:40:41] Definitely. Yeah, I think that's the biggest one like your friends or anybody that you know, that's doing great. You should still check in because at the end of the day, you really don't know how they're doing unless you really

[00:40:52] ask and it's not like those really vague questions that the therapist or whoever asks you in the hospital or wherever like, how do you feel? Are you thinking of this? Like those are so easy to lie to you, but like the deeper

[00:41:04] questions like you asked before like don't remember but that was a great one. But I asked yeah, you asked before I think you said like what did they ask you like let's oh when you did the role playing

[00:41:15] there's one question there you ask and I'm like, that's a good question that I might have been a little like what do I say in the moment there is shout out to my guests who are in the Ontario area.

[00:41:26] There's been a few shout out to you now Mimi's joining the club. I don't know if it's club people want to be in but they're in it. I wonder about the people who and they're all different unique

[00:41:34] people, but the ones that are going out there and killing it at work and all the things and yet they might be suffering like you think they're a little less likely to be honest about it. If you should ask them in that right way that maybe you know,

[00:41:45] it's my friend and he or she seems really kind about it. I wonder I think if you ask them in the right setting if it's just like the two of you are very close group. I think they might be a little bit more open to sharing it.

[00:42:00] That's why I'm very big on like asking or talking to friends who seem like they have it all together because you really don't know in the next part of that question or that thing is once they say not so much then what do you do because

[00:42:11] a lot of people aren't good at those conversations great intentions not understanding how to converse or engage and that's the another big part comes up a lot the best thing that you've ever said and I've even told some of my close

[00:42:22] Friends actually my best friend has asked me so and so is feeling this way like what do I do and I'm like literally just shut up and listen. Well, I think it's shut the fuck up if you really want to look at the actual advice.

[00:42:36] I stole it from you. I'm like I've been listening to this podcast and I think this is the best thing you could do is shut up and listen if they stop talking just like give them prompts of like

[00:42:45] little questions how they can expand on what they are saying or what they're not saying but the biggest thing is just sit there and listen, you know, like put your phone away. Don't look at the clock just look at them and have a real conversation.

[00:42:57] Yeah, don't think people know how to do it. No, they don't sage words because I've said this a bunch in here but there are new new listeners and it just feels true like those long pauses those silences just think about

[00:43:10] how when you're struggling and you're sharing something you kind of in your own head probably it's a few seconds. It's fine. The challenge becomes if you just shut the fuck up fine great starting point, but you do need to continue it unless they have a monologue written.

[00:43:24] Does that you need to start saying something and that's what people fuck it up. Some people, you know, they start the conversation and the person quiets down and like that's when you start the prompts because there are some people who are very willing

[00:43:35] to share everything at once but there are some people who will share a little bit but they won't share everything unless you ask but none of this none of what you're saying includes a long list of things that aren't helpful. Some of which include offering unsolicited advice

[00:43:49] diagnosing any sort of like minimizing what they're going through or sometimes like denying it that happens. You're not depressed like I just said something. Why is this the time for you to say the exact opposite? That's bizarre. It's common.

[00:44:03] It is and it's sad, you know, like I went through all of school went to college. I did everything but there's I think there should be a course out there, you know, like in phys ed you have the health

[00:44:15] portion of it and like that's half of the course but they're talking about sex ed everything but real mental health. No one's ever taught to just shut up and listen. No one's taught that at all and it sucks. What is the rest of your evening like?

[00:44:28] It's about what quarter to 8 there probably find something stupid to watch on YouTube something probably just wind down because I have a 9 to 5 and I feel like a grandma who goes to bed at like 830 because I like my sleep. Yeah, totally. All right.

[00:44:46] Well, thanks again for talking with me. Thank you for having me. My pleasure day by day. If that doesn't work hour by hour exactly just keep going. All right. Have a good night or decent night Mimi. Thanks again. You too. Have a good night.

[00:45:01] As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support special. Thanks to Mimi in Ontario. Thank you Mimi. If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk please reach out hello at suicidenoted.com on Facebook or

[00:45:16] Twitter at suicidenoted and there's a lot more to learn about the podcast. Check the show notes and that is all for episode number 195 stay strong do the best you can I'll talk to you soon.