Luna in North Carolina

[00:00:00] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, what am I doing? Why am I doing this? I know that one day hopefully it'll all get out of this town.

[00:00:07] [SPEAKER_01]: It'll get out of this whole thing, like, I'll get out of this situation I'm in.

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_00]: Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted.

[00:00:37] [SPEAKER_00]: On this podcast, I talk with Suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories.

[00:00:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Every year around the world, millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it.

[00:00:47] [SPEAKER_00]: We certainly don't talk about it enough, and when we do talk about it many of us, including me, we are not very good at it.

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_00]: In fact, a whole bunch of us suck at it and that matters.

[00:00:58] [SPEAKER_00]: So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors in large part to help more people in more places hopefully feel a little less shitty and a little less alone.

[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Now, if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello, it's SuicideNoted.com on social media at SuicideNoted.

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_00]: If you'd like to help us out, you can rate and or review this podcast.

[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_00]: It helps people learn who we are and what we do and actually find it when they search for things around suicide or related topics.

[00:01:35] [SPEAKER_00]: So if you have a moment, do that. Thank you.

[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_00]: And of course, if you'd like to learn more about the podcast, you can check the show notes and more specifically, I mean our membership.

[00:01:46] [SPEAKER_00]: Our Suicide attempt survivor support circle, as I call it, on the app signal, volunteering, sponsoring, and other ways in which you and I could potentially collaborate with speaking or programs or who knows what.

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_00]: So check that out if you're curious to learn more. A few other notes, one, I just recently learned thanks to Spotify that suicide noted has been heard.

[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_00]: According to their data, suicide noted has been heard at least once in our more than four years now in 112 countries.

[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_00]: And you know what I'm going to do right now. I'm going to list those countries in order, so you can skip ahead.

[00:02:32] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe a minute if you don't want to hear it but if you're somebody out there in one of these countries, I want you to know.

[00:02:38] [SPEAKER_00]: I appreciate it. Here we go. The United States Canada United Kingdom Australia Philippines, Germany Netherlands, New Zealand South Africa, Ireland, India, Malaysia, Finland, Sweden, Poland, Norway, Turkey, Lithuania, Mexico, Switzerland,

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Brazil, Romania, Indonesia, Kenya, Denmark. Estonia is real Latvia, France, Singapore, Spain, Bosnia and Herzegovina. I'd have to say that three types. Sorry, that's a tough one.

[00:03:07] [SPEAKER_00]: Mauritius Slovakia, Hong Kong, Czechia, Nigeria, Hungary. Are you getting tired yet? Because I'm just getting rolling.

[00:03:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Belgium, Malawi, Jamaica, Austria, Ecuador, Serbia, Taiwan, Thailand, Portugal, Greece, 74 listeners or streams from unknown, not a country I've heard of.

[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_00]: Moving on, Japan, Egypt, Luxembourg, Italy, Vietnam, Zambia, Argentina, the United Arab Emirates, Morocco, Rwanda, Saudi Arabia. Colombia, Russia, Bulgaria, Nepal, Dominican Republic.

[00:03:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Oregon, Maldives, Tunisia, Paraguay, Costa Rica, Cyprus, Ghana, Peru, Mongolia, Iceland, Botswana, Zambabois, South Korea.

[00:03:48] [SPEAKER_00]: Chile, Algeria, Malta, Al Salvador, Trinidad, Antebego, Croatia, Qatar, Andura, Bahrain, Brunei, Montenegro, Uzbekistan, Libya and Tiguan, Barbuda, Armenia, Bolivia, Bahamas, Lebanon, Ukraine, Mozambique, Oman and Guatemala and for our final 12.

[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_00]: They have only had one stream but you matter just as much and here we go, Albania, Barbados, Jordan, Buttons, the Viniac, Cambodia, S.Wattini, Kuwait, Tanzania, North Macedonia, Fiji and finally Panama. Thank you. All of you.

[00:04:26] [SPEAKER_00]: I realize I'm not thinking countries as much as people who live in those countries of course. I really appreciate it.

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_00]: And remember wherever you are we are talking about suicide on this podcast that I do not hold back. So take that into account before you listen or as you listen, but I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn.

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_00]: Today I am talking with Luna. Luna lives in North Carolina and she is a suicide attempt survivor.

[00:04:54] [SPEAKER_00]: Hey Luna, how are you? Good. I suppose. So what brings you here today?

[00:05:03] [SPEAKER_01]: I guess we're going to talk about suicide.

[00:05:06] [SPEAKER_00]: That usually subject people laugh about but we can if we want because we I guess we could just do whatever we want.

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't try and hide it. How did we find each other?

[00:05:16] [SPEAKER_00]: Did you must have imagined stumble upon it listening to podcasts?

[00:05:19] [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, actually. I listened to it first for like two years ago at work that I sort of rediscovered it this year.

[00:05:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Did you look forward or listen to it because you yourself are or have been suicidal?

[00:05:36] [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, yes.

[00:05:37] [SPEAKER_00]: That makes sense. That's most people I think that's what happens. I'm going to ask your weird question. Are you suicidal right now?

[00:05:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Not actively. Like I still have like thoughts all the time but I don't want to take it.

[00:05:51] [SPEAKER_01]: Do anything to hurt myself. You realize that I'm not somebody that's going to report you.

[00:05:56] [SPEAKER_00]: I know. Okay. Just saying some people might forget that because we get used to lying, right? We have to.

[00:06:02] [SPEAKER_00]: What compelled you to reach out and want to talk about it so other people hear you. I always told myself,

[00:06:07] [SPEAKER_01]: It's like I passed. I got people and they've always been really interested in it.

[00:06:13] [SPEAKER_01]: And I thought why not try and share it with more people.

[00:06:17] [SPEAKER_00]: All right for our listeners, loon and iron locals in a sharp line that and you're not maybe you are probably not statistically unlikely other than a handful of people are local.

[00:06:26] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm actually from Nevada. I've only been here since this December. Okay. Why the move?

[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_01]: It's quite a story of I was going to university. I went to university in Las Vegas and then a lot of financial aid just gave up.

[00:06:46] [SPEAKER_01]: I went pretty far into debt with the school to lamb. They say it was either I moved out here or I become homeless.

[00:06:54] [SPEAKER_01]: So. Good move. So you're not homeless. Unfortunately. I am very lucky to not be.

[00:07:01] [SPEAKER_01]: Right. Have you ever been homeless? No, but I have been on the very edge of it.

[00:07:06] [SPEAKER_01]: I know you have a place. Yeah. It's I actually live with my partners and cool parents. They are pretty nice.

[00:07:13] [SPEAKER_01]: Is anyone home right now? I think her mom is home and she's home in the eye of the room.

[00:07:19] [SPEAKER_01]: But nobody can hear you. No. Nobody knows what we're talking about.

[00:07:23] [SPEAKER_01]: No. Some people know that I'm going on this this podcast like a couple of people.

[00:07:30] [SPEAKER_00]: All right. So you share it with some people. They know they're like a little bit and what's going on. How many suicide attempts do you have?

[00:07:37] [SPEAKER_01]: Two really serious ones. I mean, there are all serious but to that probably would have succeeded.

[00:07:46] [SPEAKER_00]: And how many others do you think are like not as quote serious but scary three others. Okay, let's talk about the more serious ones and then we can include the others a little bit.

[00:07:58] [SPEAKER_00]: So how old were you for the first big one? I'm calling it a big one. You know what I mean? Yeah.

[00:08:02] [SPEAKER_01]: The first like I actually probably could have died was like 17. It does at home with my own parents.

[00:08:13] [SPEAKER_00]: So when you were 17 years old. Yeah. And what's your age now? I am 20. Okay, so a few years ago COVID parents Vegas.

[00:08:22] [SPEAKER_01]: I from a very small town in Nevada and I moved to Tobbegis then I moved here. So this was happening in that very small town in Nevada and what happened?

[00:08:34] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, she has a pretty big back story of why I'm they always do Luna.

[00:08:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I went to like it's high school and I was figuring out things about myself. I'm trans and all these other things my parents are very, very not accepting my step that is violently home for this is not a good combination at us.

[00:08:58] [SPEAKER_01]: I felt really bad depression because I lived in a small town in the middle of nowhere. No one is accepting. I just had one point I just started to think maybe I should just stop just stop trying to deal with all this.

[00:09:16] [SPEAKER_00]: So on that day, I thought I'm going to go my room trying to hang myself in there. You try to hang yourself in your room. So leading up to this you're 17 at that point you're figuring out.

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_01]: I was sure because I started figuring out my identity in middle school.

[00:09:32] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to ask you a couple of questions probably along the way and please understand I'm a middle aged white man and I probably say things in dumb ways that are not intended to be offensive, but they could be and it's not my goal.

[00:09:43] [SPEAKER_00]: I appreciate you giving me that latitude. So when you were younger than that as think like in this small town is it a conservative town?

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, at what point do you present in certain ways or not? Okay. So all the until I go out to college is I always presented mask for my safety mask.

[00:10:03] [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm learning here so mask means mask on Sean fucking read a little bit.

[00:10:09] [SPEAKER_00]: This is why people probably had enough of the on this podcast he's just not researching enough.

[00:10:14] [SPEAKER_00]: So when you were in your room that day the day that I imagine things finally culminate you get you in your room with a fucking news right.

[00:10:22] [SPEAKER_00]: It was actually about it was about okay I stand corrected same by use to stay you wear it on your own wild.

[00:10:31] [SPEAKER_00]: I wonder this is where my mind goes, Luna. I'm like how many people do I see walking around with belts on that may at one point use them to you know you never know.

[00:10:42] [SPEAKER_00]: Dude if you're in trade or jose just look for good tomatoes don't look at people's belts. It's not a thing. Is anybody home that day yeah I think it's just my mind while those home and maybe my little brothers.

[00:10:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Did you tie it up there you get closer to you actually tie the thing around your neck.

[00:10:58] [SPEAKER_00]: I was committed like I had it running I was ready. Do you know how people sometimes say they didn't want to die they just wanted to paint and not that those are mutually exclusive of course, but on that day what were you.

[00:11:12] [SPEAKER_01]: Where were you with that or both neither was more of I just don't want to be a burden because I felt like I was going to be a burden on my family and it was the burden primarily due to you being trapped.

[00:11:26] [SPEAKER_00]: To pretty high suicide rate amongst the trans community I believe it's sadly is yeah yeah I've met a lot of people who have attempted.

[00:11:34] [SPEAKER_00]: So that was one of them you said earlier if something doesn't happen these are my paraphrasing it would have worked what got in the way.

[00:11:42] [SPEAKER_01]: I'll be enough the feeling of my heartbeat. Oh, I didn't try and do like you like a drop hanging.

[00:11:48] [SPEAKER_01]: I just basically try to strangling myself sort of like I could have stopped at any seconds.

[00:11:54] [SPEAKER_01]: Also the belt is like in your hands it was just hard upon something like low enough to the ground like I could sit down.

[00:12:02] [SPEAKER_00]: It was not very well thought to hear heartbeat and you just do what do you do.

[00:12:07] [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like what am I doing why am I doing this?

[00:12:10] [SPEAKER_01]: I know that one day hopefully you'll get out of this town you all get out of this whole thing like I'll get out of this situation.

[00:12:18] [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm also the thought of my mom is going to see me like this as much as things are difficult with me and her.

[00:12:27] [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't want her to see me like that.

[00:12:29] [SPEAKER_01]: So you stopped?

[00:12:31] [SPEAKER_01]: I stopped yeah got back on with life got back on I started therapy after that since I thought you know what I might need a little bit of help.

[00:12:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Was that the first time you went to therapy?

[00:12:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it was it was did it help at all.

[00:12:45] [SPEAKER_01]: It helped quite a bit um at a pro-cranist therapist he understood a lot of the things I was going through.

[00:12:54] [SPEAKER_01]: But it was the first time you thought about ending your life.

[00:12:56] [SPEAKER_01]: I had the first time I thought it was probably 16 to about a year before.

[00:13:02] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, but as much as I thought so I just don't want to have this pain.

[00:13:06] [SPEAKER_01]: It's not like I want to die yet.

[00:13:08] [SPEAKER_00]: I was like how kind of get rid of this is that when you started thinking about like method a little bit or no does that come later?

[00:13:14] [SPEAKER_01]: I really think about methods until like around my first big attempt.

[00:13:18] [SPEAKER_00]: And so you go to the therapy it helps um how much later comes the second big attempt.

[00:13:24] [SPEAKER_00]: College so when I'm like 19 to like last year or a little more.

[00:13:29] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, you're in college in Nevada the one that's now bankrupted you.

[00:13:33] [SPEAKER_00]: That doesn't help people's well-being that's for sure.

[00:13:36] [SPEAKER_00]: No.

[00:13:37] [SPEAKER_00]: Was that similar or whether there's some differences other than you being you know you're a couple years older?

[00:13:40] [SPEAKER_01]: I just like looked at my situation of I'm basically alone here because I had a couple friends but they would always come and go.

[00:13:49] [SPEAKER_01]: It was it's the attempt happened during the winter break when every one went home except me.

[00:13:55] [SPEAKER_01]: I was in the dorms alone.

[00:13:56] [SPEAKER_01]: None of my support system was there.

[00:13:59] [SPEAKER_01]: Did you tend to hang out with other people who are trans?

[00:14:02] [SPEAKER_01]: Life hole for was strads the entire floor was queer in some form.

[00:14:08] [SPEAKER_01]: So like it's my college had like special interest floors that they like a all women's floor basically is just trying to help people be with people that are comfortable with.

[00:14:20] [SPEAKER_00]: So you're on the floor your friends are home last year when a break and you try how.

[00:14:24] [SPEAKER_01]: I was not by my dorm there was a parking garage somewhat high up five stories above ground.

[00:14:32] [SPEAKER_01]: I go up there a lot to just like look at this guy line but that time I was like I can probably die up here.

[00:14:39] [SPEAKER_00]: I can probably just go over the edge and I thought that would work sure you didn't you didn't jump because if you did you'd probably be in a wheelchair right now.

[00:14:48] [SPEAKER_00]: So what stopped you from jumping?

[00:14:49] [SPEAKER_01]: I called the suicide hotline they didn't help though they just made me pissed off so I didn't go myself because I was too bad.

[00:14:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, alright so the suicide hotline prevents the suicide in unintended ways.

[00:15:04] [SPEAKER_00]: They sure did call the suicide hotline we will make you so angry that you won't want to kill yourself that's the new tag line.

[00:15:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, not your memoir title because we haven't gotten there yet but we will probably.

[00:15:15] [SPEAKER_00]: And again just like last time you gotta go back and start like living life like you're gonna go to sleep you're gonna wake up.

[00:15:20] [SPEAKER_00]: I know it's probably quiet on campus but right.

[00:15:23] [SPEAKER_00]: Mm-hmm.

[00:15:24] [SPEAKER_01]: It was pretty fine campus I went back to my dorm I sliced up a lot because I didn't have a job at the time.

[00:15:30] [SPEAKER_00]: How is it different the second time than the first?

[00:15:33] [SPEAKER_00]: Because I think just not comparing but the first one's like the first time that can be pretty like whoa.

[00:15:38] [SPEAKER_00]: This is the second time is the reasons behind it in as much as you can put into words similar.

[00:15:44] [SPEAKER_01]: It was a lot more financial.

[00:15:47] [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't have a job.

[00:15:48] [SPEAKER_01]: I was broke.

[00:15:50] [SPEAKER_01]: I tried to get a job known whatever to take me.

[00:15:54] [SPEAKER_01]: I just felt like no one else like it's normal to try and help me get a job because I tried.

[00:16:00] [SPEAKER_01]: I could walk in tried.

[00:16:01] [SPEAKER_01]: I thought you know my as well just not even be here.

[00:16:05] [SPEAKER_01]: I won't have to deal with all this dead and all the money I have to owe.

[00:16:09] [SPEAKER_01]: How did you survive?

[00:16:10] [SPEAKER_01]: A lot of cash from my parents.

[00:16:14] [SPEAKER_01]: So these are the same parents who don't.

[00:16:15] [SPEAKER_01]: These are the same ones because they didn't know at the time but I always watched the news with them as a kid.

[00:16:23] [SPEAKER_01]: And during pride it would be not fun to be in the same room with them.

[00:16:27] [SPEAKER_00]: What would they say?

[00:16:28] [SPEAKER_01]: There's one line that really stuck stuck with me as my stepdad said.

[00:16:33] [SPEAKER_01]: Which would use all the cash we give to these people.

[00:16:36] [SPEAKER_01]: He had not used a nicer word than you peep than like it's those people.

[00:16:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Instead of that we should just kill them and I'm like, oh, I'm going to not deal with that.

[00:16:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Right.

[00:16:49] [SPEAKER_00]: I'm pretty sure most people would be like, nah, I'm not being.

[00:16:53] [SPEAKER_00]: But he found out he did go in the last couple of months.

[00:16:57] [SPEAKER_00]: So are you saying that your stepfather once you did?

[00:17:01] [SPEAKER_01]: He sort of changed the new leaf.

[00:17:03] [SPEAKER_01]: He had one of his grandchildren come out as I guess lesbian.

[00:17:08] [SPEAKER_01]: And then he got really angry over that and that sort of dampened the whole, oh yeah.

[00:17:14] [SPEAKER_01]: Women's trans because someone told him.

[00:17:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Do you talk?

[00:17:18] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't talk to him.

[00:17:19] [SPEAKER_01]: I do talk to my mom sometimes.

[00:17:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.

[00:17:22] [SPEAKER_00]: How have you gotten from the second attempt a year and a half ago?

[00:17:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I know you needed to leave Nevada.

[00:17:27] [SPEAKER_00]: Leave that school.

[00:17:28] [SPEAKER_00]: You're in North Carolina like what?

[00:17:30] [SPEAKER_00]: What has it been like since?

[00:17:31] [SPEAKER_00]: Because here we are talking about suicide.

[00:17:33] [SPEAKER_00]: So I imagine like you said earlier, well, I don't imagine you said you so, you think about it, sometimes.

[00:17:38] [SPEAKER_01]: I do think about still definitely not as actively like I want to die.

[00:17:45] [SPEAKER_01]: It's more of just still a lot of, I wish I wasn't such a burden on people.

[00:17:49] [SPEAKER_01]: Since that's a lot of my thing is I feel like a burden.

[00:17:51] [SPEAKER_00]: Do the people in which you live with feel that way? Do you feel that way towards them?

[00:17:55] [SPEAKER_01]: They will absolutely adore me.

[00:17:58] [SPEAKER_01]: Well, what's not to adore, Lena?

[00:17:59] [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it's just a lot of my soul doubt that had some thought to kid.

[00:18:05] [SPEAKER_00]: What's your life like these days in somewhat new middle of nowhere in North Carolina?

[00:18:10] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm working at a job I used to do back in Nevada.

[00:18:14] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm a shift lead restaurant at Taco Bell's specifically.

[00:18:19] [SPEAKER_01]: Can I have done that for like a couple years?

[00:18:22] [SPEAKER_00]: So you never spent time at a psych ward mental?

[00:18:25] [SPEAKER_00]: I have actually.

[00:18:26] [SPEAKER_00]: When was that? Okay. So okay, hang on.

[00:18:30] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. I went through a breakup in college.

[00:18:34] [SPEAKER_01]: It was really bad.

[00:18:36] [SPEAKER_01]: The person I found out was cheating on me.

[00:18:39] [SPEAKER_01]: So the breakup triggered me to self-harm again.

[00:18:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Since I did in the past, but that time I went to go see other crisis come and

[00:18:50] [SPEAKER_01]: talk to my therapist and they said, you should talk to a place about intent of outpatient.

[00:18:57] [SPEAKER_01]: They knew I was fine.

[00:18:59] [SPEAKER_01]: I was not going to hurt myself more.

[00:19:01] [SPEAKER_01]: It was just a moment of weakness.

[00:19:03] [SPEAKER_01]: I go to a appointment to talk about intent of outpatient

[00:19:07] [SPEAKER_01]: and then they walked me up anyway.

[00:19:09] [SPEAKER_01]: I wasn't voluntarily committed.

[00:19:12] [SPEAKER_01]: This was six months ago.

[00:19:14] [SPEAKER_01]: How long did you stay in the hospital?

[00:19:15] [SPEAKER_01]: Four days.

[00:19:16] [SPEAKER_01]: How did they justify locking you up?

[00:19:18] [SPEAKER_01]: Because I had recent self-harm and they were worried about me.

[00:19:22] [SPEAKER_01]: Even though I had multiple therapists and a crisis counselor,

[00:19:27] [SPEAKER_01]: Audrey, she's not a threat to herself.

[00:19:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Wow. So if they're not going to listen to them,

[00:19:32] [SPEAKER_00]: what's the point of even having them?

[00:19:33] [SPEAKER_01]: How was it? How were the four days?

[00:19:35] [SPEAKER_01]: The first night was really rough.

[00:19:37] [SPEAKER_01]: I cried the entire night.

[00:19:40] [SPEAKER_01]: I cried with at my lowest, which says a lot

[00:19:43] [SPEAKER_01]: because I was like all of a sudden,

[00:19:45] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what I'm going to leave.

[00:19:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Because they never said no, this is when you leave.

[00:19:50] [SPEAKER_01]: We're going to have you here and you cannot leave.

[00:19:53] [SPEAKER_01]: And they sent me to the back.

[00:19:55] [SPEAKER_01]: I was lucky enough to that.

[00:19:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't come in in a suicidal episode.

[00:20:01] [SPEAKER_01]: Like I actually suicidal.

[00:20:03] [SPEAKER_01]: So I got put in the ward for people who aren't in need of

[00:20:08] [SPEAKER_01]: intensive at the moment.

[00:20:10] [SPEAKER_01]: So I actually had somewhat of a nice day.

[00:20:13] [SPEAKER_01]: But it was not nice enough to lie.

[00:20:16] [SPEAKER_01]: I wasn't voluntary, but we'll kind of admit it.

[00:20:18] [SPEAKER_00]: Sure.

[00:20:19] [SPEAKER_01]: I was in the nicer parts of,

[00:20:22] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah, it's with with some quotes in the nicer part of the

[00:20:27] [SPEAKER_01]: psych ward.

[00:20:28] [SPEAKER_01]: Why did they let you out?

[00:20:29] [SPEAKER_01]: They thought they have no reason they hold me here.

[00:20:33] [SPEAKER_01]: I was a systemless staff thought by Stephen here.

[00:20:38] [SPEAKER_01]: Right.

[00:20:38] [SPEAKER_01]: Did they all call you she?

[00:20:40] [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.

[00:20:40] [SPEAKER_01]: They risk affected me.

[00:20:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Actually, it's when I was committed.

[00:20:46] [SPEAKER_01]: I was lucky because one of the members of staff was also

[00:20:50] [SPEAKER_01]: trans.

[00:20:51] [SPEAKER_01]: Sure.

[00:20:51] [SPEAKER_01]: So I got my search by her, which was nice because she

[00:20:56] [SPEAKER_01]: understood at that hospital.

[00:20:59] [SPEAKER_01]: The rooms are gender, um, spas specific like,

[00:21:03] [SPEAKER_01]: but if you're trans, you would have either your own room

[00:21:08] [SPEAKER_01]: or room with another trans person.

[00:21:11] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.

[00:21:11] [SPEAKER_01]: There was another trans person that I got roomed with another

[00:21:15] [SPEAKER_01]: trans person.

[00:21:17] [SPEAKER_00]: Did that work out?

[00:21:18] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I was pretty good friends with her.

[00:21:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Would you have been put in the same room as a trans man?

[00:21:24] [SPEAKER_01]: If it was like a, it's like a trans man,

[00:21:27] [SPEAKER_01]: then I would still be put with them.

[00:21:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.

[00:21:30] [SPEAKER_01]: It's just because we're both trans.

[00:21:33] [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't only make sense, but it's the health care system

[00:21:37] [SPEAKER_01]: when does it ever make sense?

[00:21:39] [SPEAKER_00]: How many people know about that hospital?

[00:21:40] [SPEAKER_00]: Did you tell your friends and anybody?

[00:21:43] [SPEAKER_01]: I told basically everyone I knew.

[00:21:46] [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, of what happened because it was unjust.

[00:21:49] [SPEAKER_01]: It was wholly unfair.

[00:21:50] [SPEAKER_01]: How many people did you tell about either of those attempts?

[00:21:53] [SPEAKER_01]: I've been a little open about the house.

[00:21:55] [SPEAKER_01]: So like, basically, if you spend an extended time around me,

[00:21:59] [SPEAKER_01]: I'll tell you about them.

[00:22:01] [SPEAKER_01]: So like, basically, people I worked with

[00:22:03] [SPEAKER_01]: if I worked at the time, my friends knew.

[00:22:06] [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, North Carolina, do you have other than the people you cohabitate with people to talk to?

[00:22:12] [SPEAKER_00]: About this stuff.

[00:22:13] [SPEAKER_01]: I just recently started therapy again on a minor or in person.

[00:22:19] [SPEAKER_01]: It's online.

[00:22:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Better help?

[00:22:22] [SPEAKER_01]: No, it's, I did not trust better help.

[00:22:25] [SPEAKER_01]: I have heard that it's helping people, but I'm scared because I'm un-medicated.

[00:22:33] [SPEAKER_01]: You're un-watt-medicated?

[00:22:33] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[00:22:35] [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm like, I have to make sure they are in network or else I cannot afford it.

[00:22:41] [SPEAKER_00]: So did this therapist or another therapist along the way I ever diagnosed you with something you think is correct?

[00:22:46] [SPEAKER_01]: My diagnosis have been very hotly debated up among the therapists I've been with

[00:22:53] [SPEAKER_01]: because in college I went to one for a while and she was like,

[00:22:58] [SPEAKER_01]: you know, it could be a couple things.

[00:23:01] [SPEAKER_01]: It sounds a lot like borderline personality to this order, but she said, I won't diagnose you with that because of the because

[00:23:10] [SPEAKER_01]: I have a very large stigma and then I'll think, I don't care if it has a stigma.

[00:23:16] [SPEAKER_01]: I want to get help and I need to know what is going on.

[00:23:20] [SPEAKER_00]: Well, what is going on?

[00:23:21] [SPEAKER_01]: That's a really good question.

[00:23:24] [SPEAKER_00]: We don't know the end, so just yet perhaps.

[00:23:28] [SPEAKER_01]: Definitely a lot of like, if I have any sort of rejection, I've been trying to cope with it myself.

[00:23:36] [SPEAKER_00]: Do you ever wish either those attempts had been successful?

[00:23:39] [SPEAKER_00]: Right now?

[00:23:40] No.

[00:23:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Tomorrow you don't know.

[00:23:42] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know.

[00:23:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Yesterday?

[00:23:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Yesterday?

[00:23:45] [SPEAKER_00]: I had a pretty bad day at work, so maybe yeah.

[00:23:48] [SPEAKER_01]: What are you doing your life?

[00:23:49] [SPEAKER_01]: If anything that helps at all?

[00:23:51] [SPEAKER_01]: I just tracked myself a lot, like I played video games to distract myself from really depressing thoughts.

[00:24:00] [SPEAKER_01]: What's your favorite video game?

[00:24:01] [SPEAKER_01]: Right now it's the sense, but it changes a lot.

[00:24:06] [SPEAKER_01]: Cool.

[00:24:06] [SPEAKER_01]: Went to birthday.

[00:24:08] [SPEAKER_01]: It's in November.

[00:24:09] [SPEAKER_01]: Nice.

[00:24:09] [SPEAKER_01]: Dad, it turns.

[00:24:11] [SPEAKER_01]: Morpio.

[00:24:12] [SPEAKER_00]: Scorpio.

[00:24:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Ooh, alright.

[00:24:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Scorpio.

[00:24:16] [SPEAKER_00]: So what's the likelihood you're going to be around then?

[00:24:19] [SPEAKER_01]: I ain't given pretty good odds.

[00:24:21] [SPEAKER_01]: It's the first time with she really tries to keep the house safe for me.

[00:24:28] [SPEAKER_01]: There is no sharp things in the room.

[00:24:30] [SPEAKER_01]: Blades or anything.

[00:24:31] [SPEAKER_01]: We do not allow them in the room with me.

[00:24:34] [SPEAKER_01]: And she's just always there and I don't want to leave her alone in this world.

[00:24:38] [SPEAKER_00]: When you've gone through what you've gone through, the attempts and the dealing with all the stuff.

[00:24:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Are there any myths or misconceptions you would like to clearly and loudly say that is bullshit?

[00:24:47] [SPEAKER_01]: One is that we're always miserable.

[00:24:50] [SPEAKER_01]: Like as as trans people and also people who are mentally ill, we're not always miserable.

[00:24:57] [SPEAKER_01]: We do have good times.

[00:24:58] [SPEAKER_01]: Some might be more rare.

[00:25:00] [SPEAKER_01]: One thing that is that I firmly think there is always hope.

[00:25:05] [SPEAKER_00]: When you are, you've listened to the podcast.

[00:25:07] [SPEAKER_00]: You said a couple years ago and then you recently started listening again.

[00:25:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Is there ever something you want me to bring up that I don't bring up?

[00:25:13] [SPEAKER_00]: Anything is important.

[00:25:14] [SPEAKER_00]: What does it mean?

[00:25:15] [SPEAKER_01]: I think you are pretty good at covering things.

[00:25:20] [SPEAKER_01]: One thing would be nice to hear more about is such a showality of people,

[00:25:25] [SPEAKER_01]: but that's a very personal thing.

[00:25:27] [SPEAKER_01]: It's not up to you.

[00:25:28] [SPEAKER_00]: Well it's a little out of my control.

[00:25:29] [SPEAKER_00]: I mean it's interesting.

[00:25:30] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know how many conversations with people who are trans but not a lot.

[00:25:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Given the high stakes and maybe that's one of the reasons is they don't have the liberty or luxury of always having,

[00:25:41] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, who knows why.

[00:25:43] [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I think that would be that's important.

[00:25:45] [SPEAKER_00]: If you're hearing this, please, I'm around and talk.

[00:25:48] [SPEAKER_00]: If you want, trust me if you think I'm not a jerk, come on.

[00:25:51] [SPEAKER_00]: And you're in the space to do it.

[00:25:53] [SPEAKER_00]: Of course.

[00:25:54] [SPEAKER_00]: So, pink and purple pill.

[00:25:55] [SPEAKER_00]: Here we go.

[00:25:56] [SPEAKER_00]: So I give Luna a pill.

[00:25:58] [SPEAKER_00]: She takes it.

[00:25:59] [SPEAKER_00]: If she chooses to, goes to sleep quietly.

[00:26:01] [SPEAKER_00]: Does not wake up.

[00:26:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Nobody thinks to suicide.

[00:26:03] [SPEAKER_00]: That's how the pill works.

[00:26:04] [SPEAKER_00]: She can take it.

[00:26:05] [SPEAKER_00]: She can put it away somewhere.

[00:26:06] [SPEAKER_00]: She can discard it.

[00:26:07] [SPEAKER_00]: That is the question.

[00:26:09] [SPEAKER_00]: Luna, putting you on the spot.

[00:26:10] [SPEAKER_01]: I have thought, I have been trying to think about this like the past week of, oh.

[00:26:15] [SPEAKER_01]: What do I do?

[00:26:16] [SPEAKER_01]: The best parts of me say it a third or third way, but I wouldn't keep it in say it.

[00:26:21] [SPEAKER_00]: Would you tell your partner that you're having it?

[00:26:23] [SPEAKER_01]: And she is going to hear about this episode.

[00:26:27] [SPEAKER_00]: All right. Well, let her know it's not real, please.

[00:26:29] [SPEAKER_00]: So, do you think you'll listen to it?

[00:26:31] [SPEAKER_00]: I know sometimes it's hard for people to hear their voices or whatever else.

[00:26:34] [SPEAKER_01]: I might listen to it at least once.

[00:26:37] [SPEAKER_00]: But you'll tell your partner about it.

[00:26:39] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, she knows about it and she has a little bit of a bit of a shout.

[00:26:43] [SPEAKER_00]: And she'll listen to you think you'll share with other, hey, maybe one day will share it with your stepfather.

[00:26:48] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe one day will hear it.

[00:26:50] [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think I would share it with that person in my life.

[00:26:53] [SPEAKER_00]: I can't imagine, but maybe who knows?

[00:26:55] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe one day he'll stumble upon it.

[00:26:58] [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe. I mean, it's pretty...

[00:26:59] [SPEAKER_01]: It's highly unlikely, but...

[00:27:02] [SPEAKER_00]: Pretty hard to find unless you have a real goal of finding something like this, I think.

[00:27:07] [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, somewhere in Nevada, some tumble weed going by.

[00:27:11] [SPEAKER_00]: And what else do you want to share?

[00:27:12] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel like there's a lot that I want to make sure we cover and I don't really find acts like unavusor.

[00:27:19] [SPEAKER_01]: Is that the one you were talking about in college?

[00:27:21] [SPEAKER_01]: No. That was actually when I was 16, he was really bad.

[00:27:26] [SPEAKER_01]: His name was Lance.

[00:27:27] [SPEAKER_01]: Can we use that name in the podcast?

[00:27:28] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. He can know that.

[00:27:31] [SPEAKER_01]: I remember the things he did to me.

[00:27:33] [SPEAKER_01]: And I will never be able to forget it. That's a whole story.

[00:27:37] [SPEAKER_01]: Like, that's not going to be a whole other thing.

[00:27:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe a different podcast, we know.

[00:27:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe a different one. I have tried to...

[00:27:45] [SPEAKER_00]: You've tried to podcast. What was it about?

[00:27:48] [SPEAKER_01]: It's the one I tried to do was very much still in the conceptual phase,

[00:27:53] [SPEAKER_01]: but we actually had arts done.

[00:27:56] [SPEAKER_01]: We had channels made.

[00:27:58] [SPEAKER_01]: We just never recorded.

[00:28:00] [SPEAKER_01]: It was called trans girls are valid.

[00:28:03] [SPEAKER_01]: It's just a podcast about being trans.

[00:28:05] [SPEAKER_00]: You never recorded an episode, yeah.

[00:28:07] [SPEAKER_01]: It fell by the free side since it was like four people trying to plan a schedule.

[00:28:14] [SPEAKER_00]: Right. That's still out of chefs in the kitchen.

[00:28:17] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[00:28:17] [SPEAKER_00]: I think I misused that expression, but it doesn't matter.

[00:28:20] [SPEAKER_00]: What did I know was just in the sort of conceptual phase?

[00:28:23] [SPEAKER_00]: It was going to be you talking with your three others,

[00:28:25] [SPEAKER_00]: talking with one other person about something.

[00:28:28] [SPEAKER_01]: It's going to be me and a couple other trans people

[00:28:31] [SPEAKER_01]: of talking about worlds like being trans.

[00:28:34] [SPEAKER_01]: We just chose the name of trans girls specifically

[00:28:37] [SPEAKER_01]: because most of us were trans girls.

[00:28:41] [SPEAKER_00]: Makes complete sense.

[00:28:43] [SPEAKER_00]: And you're valid.

[00:28:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Just going by the time you are.

[00:28:46] [SPEAKER_00]: You are.

[00:28:47] [SPEAKER_00]: All trans people are valid in my eyes.

[00:28:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Valid in my eyes, do we have a memoir,

[00:28:53] [SPEAKER_00]: or do I don't know my,

[00:28:55] [SPEAKER_00]: it's not me.

[00:28:57] [SPEAKER_00]: You can't.

[00:28:57] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm trying to write things.

[00:28:59] [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe one day it's on shelves.

[00:29:03] [SPEAKER_01]: You'll see a memoir by the name of Valid in my eyes.

[00:29:08] [SPEAKER_00]: Valid in my eyes, you can work out the subtitle with your publisher.

[00:29:11] [SPEAKER_00]: Is that it? Did we cover it?

[00:29:13] [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, we could dive into to the past problems,

[00:29:18] [SPEAKER_01]: but if that would be a log talk.

[00:29:20] [SPEAKER_01]: Right.

[00:29:21] [SPEAKER_01]: We've got a lot of triggering topics.

[00:29:24] [SPEAKER_01]: There were traumas.

[00:29:25] [SPEAKER_01]: There was a lot.

[00:29:27] [SPEAKER_01]: What's the rest of your day like?

[00:29:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to go sleep since I have not slept yet.

[00:29:31] [SPEAKER_01]: Wait, you've been up since last time?

[00:29:32] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[00:29:33] [SPEAKER_01]: I was off of work out at one.

[00:29:36] [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, okay.

[00:29:37] [SPEAKER_01]: You stay on.

[00:29:38] [SPEAKER_01]: I work nights.

[00:29:39] [SPEAKER_01]: I try to sleep.

[00:29:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Have a hard hard time with it.

[00:29:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Same.

[00:29:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Do you take meds to sleep?

[00:29:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Or meds for anything else?

[00:29:46] [SPEAKER_01]: I use it to take meds.

[00:29:47] [SPEAKER_01]: Don't take it anymore.

[00:29:48] [SPEAKER_00]: So how do you sleep?

[00:29:49] [SPEAKER_00]: I know that might have been referring to other things, but sleep stuff.

[00:29:52] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know.

[00:29:53] [SPEAKER_01]: I just pass out.

[00:29:55] [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you can.

[00:29:56] [SPEAKER_01]: I can because I've not drinking my energy drink yet.

[00:30:00] [SPEAKER_00]: So I said, well, thanks for talking.

[00:30:02] [SPEAKER_00]: I appreciate it.

[00:30:03] [SPEAKER_01]: It was really nice to talk.

[00:30:05] [SPEAKER_00]: I feel the same way.

[00:30:06] [SPEAKER_00]: Let's go back to our super exciting lives,

[00:30:09] [SPEAKER_00]: learn a appreciate your time.

[00:30:10] [SPEAKER_00]: Appreciate your opening up.

[00:30:12] [SPEAKER_01]: Thanks.

[00:30:13] [SPEAKER_00]: All right, learn a heavenly, have a decent day.

[00:30:15] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[00:30:15] [SPEAKER_00]: Bye.

[00:30:18] [SPEAKER_00]: As always, thanks so much for listening in all of your support and special thanks to Luna

[00:30:23] [SPEAKER_00]: in North Carolina.

[00:30:25] [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks Luna.

[00:30:26] [SPEAKER_00]: If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk please reach out.

[00:30:30] [SPEAKER_00]: Hello, it's suicidenoted.com on Facebook or X, at least for now at suicide noted.

[00:30:35] [SPEAKER_00]: Check the show notes to learn more about this podcast and leave us a rating and or a view

[00:30:41] [SPEAKER_00]: if you would.

[00:30:42] [SPEAKER_00]: It really helps people fight the podcast.

[00:30:44] [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks so much for that.

[00:30:45] [SPEAKER_00]: And that is all for episode number two to eight.

[00:30:49] [SPEAKER_00]: Stay strong.

[00:30:50] [SPEAKER_00]: Do the best you can.

[00:30:52] [SPEAKER_00]: I will talk to you.