Krista in California

[00:00:00] I guess there's like this part of me where I'm just like, I just want to have a really nice day and then go. Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast, I talk with suicide

[00:00:35] attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories. Every year, millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it. We certainly don't talk about it enough.

[00:00:45] And when we do talk about it, many of us, including me, we are not very good at it. So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better

[00:00:55] conversations with attempt survivors in large part to help or try to help more people in more places feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. And a quick announcement. This episode is four

[00:01:09] years or a little more than four years. So as I try to say as often as I can, I really thank everyone who's been a part of this, who has been involved, who listens, who's been a guest, who has helped out

[00:01:20] in other ways, our members, you know who you are. I really do thank you. Without you, this is not a podcast. So let us see if we have another four years in us. Now, if you are a suicide attempt

[00:01:33] survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com on Facebook at suicide noted. And hey, look, I want to hear anything you've got to say, comments, questions, ideas. And of course, if you give me permission and reach out and want to share something with

[00:01:49] the world just through me reading your email or part of your email or message, let me know. I would really like to do that. And I think it's an opportunity to create even more conversation.

[00:01:59] Finally, no surprises. We're talking about suicide on this podcast and we don't hold back. So please take that into account before you listen or as you listen. But I do hope you listen because there's

[00:02:10] so much to learn. Today, I am talking with Krista. Krista lives in California and she's a suicide attempt survivor. Krista in California. Hey, how did we find each other? It's been a long journey.

[00:02:29] Right. I guess it was sometime earlier this year, I found some different podcasts concerning death, scratched an itch. And then eventually one day, because some of them were starting to go into

[00:02:47] people's experiences with suicide. One day I was like, I'm just going to type in the word suicide. And then this popped up and I was like, okay, let's see what this is. Very skeptical. But then

[00:02:58] I started to see like, oh, this is actually just a lot of people's lived experiences that just never get aired out. It was very refreshing to hear people be honest. And I appreciate the space

[00:03:13] that you create here to let everyone just come and exist and not be thrown into the padded room with the grippy socks. I've been there twice, neither fun. We will talk about your experience with that among other things. If you want to, I'd like to hear more.

[00:03:32] I do want to say thank you for joining me and I appreciate the kind words about the podcast. It also makes me think, I wonder what percentage of people are also like you, skeptical. Maybe they see the name, maybe they start to hear me blab and they're like,

[00:03:46] who the fuck is it? What is this shit? Who the fuck is this guy? That's a reasonable way to respond. Makes sense. It's very bold title. It's a very bold name, and it's a bold, I don't know

[00:04:01] of any other spaces like this. I think it's like a bold movement for mental health in its own way, because I relate to every single one of the people that I've heard you talk with, but also that

[00:04:15] there's just a challenge to sometimes have these blunt and honest conversations in real life and not trigger a whole domino effect of chaos that makes you feel even shittier. How many memos need to be written with that on them where people start to get it?

[00:04:32] I feel like everyone needs to get it tattooed on their forehead or something, just like reminder. What would you tattoo? We're going into the memoir world here. I don't know how many podcast

[00:04:44] episodes you've listened to with the memoir bit, but if you had the tattoo, what would you... Do I need the tattoo? Does somebody else need the tattoo, or you need to be wearing the tattoo?

[00:04:53] I don't know. I think that until we can get to a place with our culture that we can, I guess, sit with just comfort and hold space with really dark thoughts, I feel like we need to have

[00:05:05] constant reminders. I don't know. Even tattoos probably not work because people don't like to read what's in front of them sometimes. The door says, push and you pull. It's just a human condition. It's really sad because obviously no one knows the length of their days,

[00:05:23] but I think that when you finally grasp the concept of just holding space for someone who's struggling and finally have the wherewithal to approach people with some genital curiosity and some compassion, then usually by that point, then that person has scuttled off the mortal coil.

[00:05:43] There's a whole new batch of idiots that needs to figure things out. I'm not trying to be rude with that comment. It's just like, that's life. I'm an idiot and I'm trying to figure it out.

[00:05:54] Wait. I want to understand this better. When you say the mortal coil and the idiots, who are you referring to? I don't know if those two things are connected, but they were.

[00:06:02] Oh, I'm just saying I think that a lot of people who finally... Everyone's at different stages of development in their emotional intelligence and their maturity to relate to people. But I think that the people who finally cultivated that, eventually they die and they've only

[00:06:21] touched as many lives as they have. Then we're starting with a new generation of people who need to figure that out and learn how to be a human in this world. No one has all the answers,

[00:06:34] but I think that the litmus test that I've observed is how did you leave an interaction? It's all about the exchange of that, but how did you make someone feel? Did you see that they were

[00:06:53] struggling and did you go in hard on them and make it worse? Or did you see that they were struggling and say, hey, I see you as a human? You meant the people who are around people who

[00:07:02] are struggling. Yeah, I would say that I've had my own, obviously struggles, but I've also had instances where I'm not proud of how I've responded to when another person told me that

[00:07:15] they were struggling and I did the best that I could to get the resources that I could, but I think that I definitely messed up in some ways and I've had to make amends and it's still

[00:07:24] hard to recover that. I count myself as part of the problem. It didn't result in a padded room and grippy socks, but it definitely did break some trust and it was challenging. It's just a thing

[00:07:41] where I guess I was in a space where I was like, I don't want to find a body. What tempted you to reach out and want to talk? Obviously, if this gets released, which it usually does, you have to give me permission, of course, then there'll be people

[00:07:56] who hear it. I just wanted to share my little story of my little life. I definitely struggle talking about the death wish, I guess. I can joke about it, but also in a very serious way, it's something that comes up often. The ideations can get pretty intense sometimes

[00:08:18] and it's unfortunate. It definitely has put my life into holding patterns at times and I feel like I'm finding my way through that. I guess this past season cycle of that has been pretty

[00:08:33] intense lately, which is what prompted me to type in a podcaster about suicide and then find this and then listen to them and sit with the struggles of humans. It's been a long journey with mental

[00:08:48] health and also just reconciling all the parts of my life that has specifically been touched by suicide from before I was born that has impacted my family to my childhood to this chapter of my

[00:09:05] life. You said that you have been touched by suicide. Who in your life has died by suicide? When we first started talking, you were like, does this go back to your grandparents? It's like,

[00:09:15] yep. I have two great grandparents that died by suicide and one grandparent. We don't have to get into all the details, but my family is Jewish from Europe. My great grandmother and my grandfather

[00:09:34] were still in Europe during World War I and they lived through a lot of awful things just with that and then they were able to immigrate. Everyone else in the family that was there died in the

[00:09:48] Holocaust. That, I think, fractured the mental health of my family members on lots of levels. When my great grandfather passed away early on, his health declined. My great grandmother, she's hardcore. She drank Drano. She lived a little bit longer after that, but she just

[00:10:11] messed up her insides and she died in an institution a couple weeks later. Two years after that, my grandfather, her son who was born in Poland, came over, lived through lots of stuff,

[00:10:26] went through multiple wars. He also died by suicide. There's just been a lot of that that's happened. Then it's sad because it has been covered up. I don't want to die by suicide,

[00:10:41] but I'm also struggling with life and I feel like there's a lot of this lingering trauma that's gotten passed down through the family that's just really intense. I was going to ask about that, the generational... There's probably science behind this. I don't

[00:10:58] know much about it. Not only the history and what gets passed down or doesn't because you said some of it's been pushed under the rug or whatever expression we want to use not discussed openly.

[00:11:10] I wonder, does that affect in some way actual genetics? Are you more likely to end your life because... This is speculation, of course, I think. Grandparents, great-grandparents, I don't know how that works, but I wonder about it.

[00:11:26] There's some books out there that talk about that. There's this one, I need to reread it. I believe the title is It Didn't Start With You. That one particularly goes into, I don't know if you're familiar with this term, epigenetics. It's basically whatever stressors, whatever pressures,

[00:11:45] whatever things that would antagonize one's mental health or mental and physical health that occurred during a person's lifetime when they reproduce, it sometimes skips the generation of the person going through a lot of the trauma. But then their kids and their grandkids and sometimes

[00:12:03] generations down the line, they have crippling anxiety and depression and all kinds of stuff. It's a genetic response. The DNA literally gets altered. It's really intense. It's really sad, it's interesting. This book was helpful to see some of that stuff. And they specifically went

[00:12:26] into details with the Jewish population, and I was like, oh, well, that's that. So you, you're the daughter, granddaughter, great-granddaughter of this family that's gone through some stuff, obviously. And somehow you're in California, and you're sitting on a

[00:12:44] couch with it's checkered. It's not really checkered. It's got sort of diagonal. Yeah. Well, I can say this because I don't think this is going to really give you away. It's a red

[00:12:55] and black thing. And then there's a thing over your head that looks like it might have some native influences. I'm not sure. It's a woven tapestry, yes. And then there's the Ayn Hurrah that I put on there. Anyway. Got it. How many either suicide attempts or near

[00:13:14] suicide attempts, however you define that, do you have? Realistically, about three. I've definitely had moments where I was at the edge, and everything was set up and everything. If gravity and my body and the whole scenario

[00:13:32] works the way it's supposed to, I would definitely be gone. And then there's been another attempt. This was the first one where I was... I have a lot of patchy memory from my

[00:13:47] childhood, but it was when I was in early high school. I had some understanding of how the human body worked and what things would definitely not be good for it. I found a needle in the

[00:14:02] veterinary supplies because my family had a bunch of animals. It was not used or anything. And I filled it up with water, and I injected it. And I think that... I don't know what I was trying to do,

[00:14:17] but it fucked me up. I was hoping that it would either explode enough of my blood vessels, blood cells, or cause an embolism. I didn't die. I'm here. But that was really painful. I was

[00:14:34] not going to try that again. You have shared with me that one of your relatives died by swallowing Drano, and that you, when you were in high school, tried by essentially injecting water

[00:14:47] into your veins. I have never heard of either of those. I've done this podcast now for just about four years. Now, this isn't good, bad, or indifferent. It's not a judgment. It's just

[00:14:58] an observation. There was a girl in my high school year... Obviously, many years before this podcast was even an idea, who, if I recall correctly, died by Drano. That's a thing. Died by swallowing that

[00:15:10] kind of liquid. But I've had 220-some conversations, and neither of those have come up. So, wow. Yeah. Great, great. She's hardcore. Hey, so you're thinking that the needle with the water is not as hardcore? You're softcore? Well, I mean, hers resulted in what she was trying to

[00:15:31] accomplish, and I didn't. And I made it past high school, but it's interesting. I definitely... I feel like since hitting puberty, it's just... Mental health has been challenging. The death wish that kind of is always in the back of my mind, kind of haunting me, is just there.

[00:15:54] I'm trying to approach it with some gentle curiosity and kind of befriend it. There's just some days where I'm like, you know what? I need to get this done. I know you said memories

[00:16:06] foggy or blurry. I don't remember the word you used. And when you're in high school and you did the needle with the water, this might be the hardest kind of question I ask, but it's essentially

[00:16:16] what? Not the method, just wanting to die. I was just struggling. I was living in an unhappy situation with my family, just lots of challenges. The community itself was also very... not really what I needed. It wasn't until far later in my life that I was diagnosed with

[00:16:39] ADHD. And somewhere on the autism spectrum, I've been diagnosed with bipolar, obviously depression, anxiety, stuff like that, PTSD. And so a lot of this stuff definitely, as it was untreated back then and unknown and just struggling through life, didn't really have any sense of what could be

[00:17:05] different but knew that it was miserable. That was kind of where I was at. I was cutting a lot. I was just like, I don't want to be here. I didn't understand why I was feeling that way.

[00:17:17] I didn't really have any context. I didn't get any mental health assessment or even really any learning assessments to help with ADHD in school or anything like that, but I just was struggling through it. Were you in a conservative or religious community? Yeah.

[00:17:37] Does that play a part in it? The fact that... resources that are available, conversations that are or not happening? Yeah, definitely. And I think that everyone's got their well-intentioned Pollyanna perspective. So my story is interesting, and I don't know if

[00:17:54] this is relevant, but my family's from Europe. When a lot of these Jewish family members came over, eventually passed away in the States, then my parent went hard into Christianity. And so I was raised in that. Everyone's got their own story. I would say that for me,

[00:18:15] it was just something that brought a lot of confusion and not a lot of help and comfort. And I think that I was raised in this community where a lot of people had good intentions and were

[00:18:28] doing what they thought was right, but definitely were not able to meet my needs or help support or accept. And I've always been like an oddball, and I have a lot of frustration about that. I'm

[00:18:44] like, I wish that I had a different experience, but I also didn't have any say in the matter. And so I just had to get through it. So at 16 you try. Does anybody know about that? I've had in-passing conversations with my siblings because we've all had moments of

[00:19:06] suicidal ideations. One of my siblings, when I was a kid, she actually made an attempt at overdosing, was rushed to the hospital, had her stomach pumped. There's definitely been that.

[00:19:23] My other sibling was telling me that one night he was really upset and he just laid out on the train tracks. And I mean, he didn't know the train schedule or anything like that, but I think that

[00:19:35] he was just like, if it comes. I didn't go into lots of details, but I told them that I was struggling and I need to find a way to have these conversations in real life on a real level.

[00:19:49] But I think that there's just this, it's not a don't ask, don't tell, but it's definitely like everyone's got their struggles. I don't want to add to someone's pile. So when that happens in the teen years, it sounds like you'll correct me if I'm wrong. As we say,

[00:20:07] white knuckle it. You just go on, you get up the next day and you go on with life. For me, even though I know the teen years perhaps more than any other part of our lives is the most,

[00:20:17] I don't know what the word is. You might do something like that and quote unquote grow out of it. But I think more times than not, if you just get on with it, you're going to try again or

[00:20:28] things are going to be hard given that we're talking now years later. I mean, yeah, still what was the second one? How old were you over the past? Like I would say a couple of years,

[00:20:39] there's been a lot of challenges. I wouldn't consider attempts, but I definitely like I have suicidal ideations. My imagination starts to ponder. So I don't know if I would classify it as

[00:20:54] an attempt, but I started collecting a very toxic plant in the area where I live. I guess this was last year when I started doing that. I guess it like scratched an itch of not feeling trapped.

[00:21:11] Just like, okay, I have a thing. If I want to, I can do it. I've since gone through lots of different plotting attempts. I feel like there's been a lot more just like ideations and planning

[00:21:26] and planning and planning and planning. And it's been kind of going on a little over two years pretty intensely. That was one. And then I started to feel really, really suicidal this past winter.

[00:21:40] Started to get accoutrements together to make an attempt. I just started to have, I don't know, a lot of guilt about those methods and who would find me. And so I abandoned that. I was staying in

[00:21:56] a hotel more recently, and its architecture lent itself for hanging myself. I put up the rope, got everything kind of ready, and I sat there with it. This would be, I guess, the second one

[00:22:11] where I was like, okay, I could do this. I think that a lot of the concern is privacy sometimes. Can I just be alone and try something? I didn't follow through with that, but it was definitely,

[00:22:25] that was a possibility. What stopped you? It's a little hotel. I definitely picked it thinking about suicide. I looked at pictures of it. I was like, oh, this looks like a good place. You weren't traveling on business. You went to the hotel for that reason.

[00:22:42] Yeah. I was like, let's just see if we can go through with it. Let's just try this. I think that a big part of why I didn't want to go through with it was I just felt really shitty about this.

[00:22:55] It's kind of like mom and pop hotel on the coast. It's not the fanciest thing. And this sweet little Chinese lady, this is her livelihood. I'm like, I don't want to have her find me here.

[00:23:11] That's just going to suck for her. She didn't ask for this. I just feel like I'm being an asshole by doing this. I just want to make something clear to you and our listeners,

[00:23:21] and I think they know this. When I asked a question like that, why didn't you do it? There's nothing about that in me asking that that is suggesting I wish you would.

[00:23:30] That is simply why didn't you do it? It's just me being weirdly curious about this thing that I don't know. Most people aren't curious about, but I'm weirdly curious about it. At 15, 16-ish, you try, and then the second near attempt or attempt was recently.

[00:23:47] It was actually this year. A good number of years go by. I'm not going to ask you to break down the details of your life between the first and the second, but how would you characterize it? I know that's a very big and difficult question.

[00:24:00] It's a lot of muddling through life. I went away to university, got a degree in art, dabbled in lots of different jobs in the art world for a while. That was in Los Angeles. Eventually, I got pretty burnt out on LA, and so I made a massive change,

[00:24:22] and I went and lived out in the woods for a while. I've had a lot of different jobs, and there's been moments where jobs have things that I thought were, you know,

[00:24:32] I'm going to commit to this for a while in my life fall through. I ended up back in my hometown. The pandemic hit, and then a job that I was at for a bit, there was a lot of great things that

[00:24:45] happened there, but basically, that ended, and it kind of shifted my life into like a, I need to figure out what I'm doing again. There's been a lot of struggles with employment

[00:24:57] that have definitely added to stress. That is kind of context for where I'm at, and I would say a lot of the just, I don't know, mental health stuff and experiences through different stressful things,

[00:25:11] and sadly, there's a lot of things that contribute to stress, but for me, employment in the past couple of years has definitely been just sadly very stressful. I wish that it wasn't, and I wish

[00:25:23] that I could just, I don't know, turn a part of my brain off that gets indignant or frustrated with things and just like compartmentalize, but it's not that simple, I guess. There's just like a lot

[00:25:37] of stuff. I was like at this one job for a bit, and I was a mandated reporter, and I was aware that two of the people that I was supporting were being abused, and my manager, my supervisor

[00:25:52] didn't want to deal with, I don't know why, but she was just telling me, don't report that, basically. And so I was like, it's literally my job. So I did, because I'm like, they're a

[00:26:04] vulnerable population. They do not need to be abused. I'm not okay with this. So this kind of, I don't know, justice sensitivity definitely has been an issue with different parts of employment,

[00:26:15] sadly. There's just been like a lot of that. When you say that the frustration over work or employment, I think was the word you used, is it about having a job or more about money

[00:26:26] and safety with security? I would say it's both. It's the compound issue of supporting oneself and making sure that you have your needs met, and you can just exist as comfortably as you can,

[00:26:39] but also like what the fuck are you doing with your time? How are you spending your day? Who are you spending your day with? And is that, I mean, not that a job has to be your identity or

[00:26:52] your end all be all, but it's also a thing where, I don't know, I'm just the type of person that I'm sensitive in such a way where I can't convince myself to just go along with a lot of it.

[00:27:08] Like, I wish that I could. I wish I could turn my brain off and just kind of like go along with things. It would make things easier, and I'm upset about that sometimes. But yeah,

[00:27:19] so that has definitely been like a precursor issue of just lots of work stress, lots of challenging moments with relationships. There was a breakup this past fall. It was like around

[00:27:32] the same time that October 7th happened, which was like I too have some friends and family in Israel, and that's like October 7th has definitely been an eye-opening historical moment to live. I definitely was unaware of a lot of bigotry, particularly within my own friend groups,

[00:27:56] just different people that I've connected to over the years and all over the place that I would consider to be my friends. And I would definitely never think that they would hold my Jewish

[00:28:10] identity against me, but a lot of the stuff that they've been saying and doing is like, oh, you. Okay, okay, gotcha. Good to know. LJG Yeah, loud and clear. LS Yeah, so that's definitely also contributed to it where it's like, I mean, no one has

[00:28:26] specifically come up to me or made any sentiment about like, oh, you're Jewish, you should kill yourself. But there's a lot of that that is going on around. And so adding to you know, work struggles, breakup, it accumulates. So here we are.

[00:28:43] LJG And so when you left the incident, I suppose we can call it at that hotel, was this and I apologize if I got a little off on the timeline was the second one. LS Yeah. LJG When was the third one?

[00:28:57] LS It was a week after that. There's this like kind of forest near my home. I don't recall ever seeing anyone walking there or doing like, I've seen a skunk there before. I once saw some guys like cutting down a tree, but they were just

[00:29:14] there to like deal with this tree and they then they left but like someone intentionally being there to take in the nature and do what I like to do there which is just like walk around. It's just

[00:29:28] this space that is quiet. It feels private, technically like just because I've never seen other people around doesn't mean that there wouldn't be I sometimes like go for walks at night. I was out walking at night and I was just kind of like remembering different spaces and

[00:29:46] looking around and just thinking about things and I guess I just, you know, I'm just kind of pondering. I was intentionally like looking for a place to tie up a rope and make an attempt and

[00:29:58] I found one. I was able to get the rope all rigged up. Okay, like is this is this real? Can I do this? Like that was I would say, you know, I was like, okay, I don't know who is going to find me.

[00:30:11] So I don't feel guilty about that as much as the other instance at the hotel. You know, I'm alone. I'm in this little forest at night and everything's all set up and I can do this and then I stopped.

[00:30:24] I had it already. It's frustrating. I'm like, I guess it's kind of similar to I know that that is a possibility. Same with like all this poisonous plant that I have where it's like, okay, I could

[00:30:37] do this. I'm not trapped. I can do this and I think that there's just like a lot of there's a lot of guilt about who I'm leaving behind. Even though I feel very isolated right now, I definitely am

[00:30:48] not being very social lately. I think like kind of intentionally because I'm trying to, I don't know, it wouldn't help anyone feel any better if they hadn't seen me for months and

[00:30:59] then I died but it just gives me a little bit of comfort or chutzpah or whatever just to like, okay, I don't have to look someone in the eye and make small talk or have a serious conversation

[00:31:13] and know that in the back of my head, I have this plan and I have everything ready to go and I can do this if I want to whenever I want to. Chutzpah, memoir title, maybe.

[00:31:23] Yeah. Something with it, maybe. Do you have that plant in your home right now? So if you ate the plant, you would die? I mean, I think that that's like another part of my ideation and I guess like obsession of suicidal ideations. I want to be sure. I

[00:31:42] definitely don't want to end up in a situation where I've like made an attempt, completely compromised my health and then I'm stuck in an even more compromised both like mentally and physically space that I'm already in. As far as I know, yes, this would definitely like if I

[00:32:04] consume enough of this stuff, it will kill me. Is this plant by chance colored pink and or purple? It's got like some when it's growing, it's got some kind of like purpley flecks on it, like some kind of maroon, but it's, you know, it's got chlorophyll, it's green,

[00:32:21] it gets kind of tall and I've spent a lot of time just like kind of walking around listening to the podcast or like laying in bed, just like, okay. As I'm making my plan and doing research,

[00:32:35] I'm listening to the podcast. I'm like, okay, well, you know what? I'm not alone. Weird to me, Krista, to know that there are people in various places in the world at any given

[00:32:46] moment hearing my voice. It still weirds me out. I'm not weirded out, it's just like, what the fuck? Technology. So those two attempts or near attempts were about a week or so apart. So since then in the woods, I know you've got the plant in your home,

[00:33:02] so perhaps this is an unnecessary question, but it sounds like it's very much a daily battle. Yeah. There's some days that feel more stressful and I think that I'm kind of in this like holding

[00:33:12] pattern where I'm like, what am I doing? Why am I here? I definitely get to this like point of, I am at the precipice and I am done. And like, let's just get it. There's always this thing that

[00:33:27] stops me lately. And I don't understand. I'm open to, I don't understand the universe. I don't understand everything, but there's a lot of stuff that we will never fully get with whatever this like body soul mixture is. But I think that there's possibly something with my family members

[00:33:50] who have died by suicide, who might be like somehow stopping me at this sense that that's the case because it's like, I really want to go, but then I don't. And I also like, I really want

[00:34:05] to go and I also don't because I don't want to, I feel guilty. I don't want to scar the people in my life and make them feel terrible. But I also don't want to be living in misery just for the

[00:34:18] sake of, oh, spare their feelings because that's the only reason why you exist. It's complicated. When you come that close to ending your life, and this is the two more recent times, I'm pretty sure

[00:34:30] you're going to struggle to find the words to this, but I'll still ask the question because I certainly would struggle. What is that like to come that close? And you shared kind of the reasons

[00:34:39] why you think you didn't do it, but nonetheless, right? Not quite the question exactly worded, but it's as close as I'm going to get. It's interesting. I've thought about this a bit

[00:34:49] because I was feeling really suicidal last year when I was collecting this plant and I was really serious about like, okay, let's just, I need to get out. There was this kind of like calm that I had

[00:35:04] once I felt like, okay, I have enough of this substance that could kill me that it's just a matter of picking the circumstance. And then I got distracted by life and got into this

[00:35:14] relationship and things just kind of ebbed and flowed and then they fell apart. And now lately, it's really strange being at the point where it's like, okay, I can do this. I guess like the thing

[00:35:27] that goes through my head is, well, okay, you have this option. Why not give it just one more day? You can do this. Like it's an option. I think that that's like a thing that there's moments

[00:35:38] of guilt, but I think that that's like really what goes through my head. Like the most recent attempt in the woods, I was just like, everything's perfect. This is going to work. But also do you

[00:35:49] need to do this? I think that that's kind of a thing and I, in constant conflict, my brain is, it's not the nicest space. That word conflict, I think about, you know, the moment before or

[00:36:04] the moments before. I was going to ask you as best you can recall, were you scared? But I hesitated because I'm thinking it was probably a lot of things you were feeling. I wonder like,

[00:36:16] what were the predominant ones? I mean, is it fear? Is it anticipation? I don't know if that's a feeling. I guess that's a feeling. What's happening inside of you when you're at the metaphorical precipice or literal precipice? I would say it's kind of surreal to be obsessed

[00:36:36] with death, with ending my life and getting to the point where, because I feel like since the first attempt when I was a kid, I'm more methodical. I guess I was stuck in my head

[00:36:50] and ruminating a lot. And so after ruminating for months and months and months, and then finally getting to this space where I'm like, this is possible. It's very surreal. And it definitely just

[00:37:05] makes me think about, you know, like, okay, got it. I could do this. This is possible. Like the things that I've hoped for are possible now, but now I don't want them. And I'm just like, I guess

[00:37:18] now that I've like, really scratched this itch, I can like step back for a second and take stock a little bit better and think about like, is this really what you want to leave behind? In the midst

[00:37:34] of all this, I guess there's definitely a lot of thoughts. And I guess this is like a thought that's on my head a lot just with everything in the world going on. I see, you know, like a school has an

[00:37:47] active shooter and people die or there's wars all over the world. There's all types of violence and people dying everywhere. And I'm like, constantly asking myself, I mean, I know why. Like I'm a

[00:38:00] privileged person to live in the United States. And at the same time, I'm upset that I ended up here and that other person ended up there and their life was cut short. I just have this thought.

[00:38:14] I mean, I guess it's probably like a bad thought and the people in my life would be upset to hear me say it, but I mean, it's just my truth. Like, I'm just like, why not me? I don't want to be here.

[00:38:23] They probably wanted to live. And I mean, if our places were changed and maybe I have a different idea about this, but it's interesting. I feel like I hear about people dying even within my

[00:38:39] community. One of my childhood friends, this guy that I grew up with, he recently passed away. He was in like an ATV accident and he's young. He's younger than me. I'm like, you got out? I mean,

[00:38:52] you wanted to live. That could have been me. Are you part of that? I know you're Jewish. How do you say this in that community that you grew up in? Are you a part of that community?

[00:39:02] Yes. I live in a part of California that has less of a Jewish population, but yeah, I have been more involved in it pre this really challenging cycle that I'm in right now. And I've kind of just like withdrawn myself from everything, but yes, I am.

[00:39:21] What are their views on suicide? It's reform Judaism. Honestly, I haven't really had a lot of like in-depth conversations, but I have shared with them what some of my Jewish relations, my grandparents, how they die.

[00:39:39] There's been compassion, you know? That is unfortunate and I'm sorry to hear that. I don't think that there's really this concept of like if you do that or at least I don't, I personally don't believe that like if you're thinking about death, suicide, or you're

[00:39:59] struggling with that or you carry it out in full, like that mean anything in the long run. Okay. That's just where I come from. But like I think that everyone has their own take. My

[00:40:12] grandfather and his mom and that whole part of the family, they were like really, I wouldn't say Orthodox, but they were deeply Hasidic. They were from that part of Poland that was very

[00:40:23] like entrenched in that and you know, just very strict with kosher. And sadly, like that whole chunk of the family is gone. And I think that there's a lot of like deep sadness surrounding

[00:40:36] it. I mean, like death is hard. I've struggled to like it's interesting going through life, like just knowing that you know, this one grandparent was just kind of like what happened to them and then learning eventually like when I was an adult, I finally found out what happened.

[00:40:55] I was like, oh, okay. And I see how that's really had an effect on so much of my family. I wish that I knew my grandfather, but I also like feel like, okay, like if he had to go,

[00:41:08] he had to go. If that's what he needed to do. I always wonder like the conversations, for example, that you had with people about your grandparents and there was more or less empathy

[00:41:19] or compassion, I think you said. I feel like that's a different conversation if you were talking to them about your own ID. It's different, not fair. I have had a conversation like going through this

[00:41:32] past year. I've one of my friends, she's also a neighbor. She's Jewish. She's in this community. And I've, I've talked to her about, you know, just like some of these thoughts in my head this past

[00:41:45] fall, I was just going through so much like stress and anxiety. And I just kept having these ideations of a gun and just, you know, like hold it up to my chin. And it was just this like thought

[00:42:01] that kept, it's weird. It like that obsession or compulsion, both awful, but also very comforting. And I shared that with this friend, her response was just like, oh, please don't hurt yourself.

[00:42:13] Like, and she, she knows that like, I don't have the means to do that specifically. I really want to get to the point where I can actually have an honest, real conversation with people. And I have

[00:42:26] never been hospitalized for my mental health. And honestly, I fear that. I don't know if the Constitution could take it. I there's a couple of reasons why I'm like, I can see that that could

[00:42:39] help people. But I can also see that like could really mess you up. I think that I'm just very skeptical about the care that I would get in the area where I live. I think like if I went to an

[00:42:51] area with bigger population, I might get different. But at the same time, it's just, I just worry that that would be its own thing that would push me over the edge and make me want to die even more.

[00:43:04] That's partially just me overthinking it. But it's also me like really taking stock of like, if I if I did that, if I did like check myself in or something like that, would that actually help? How many people know that we are talking? I haven't told anyone.

[00:43:21] Okay. I did ask this, but I want to ask again, particularly around the last two, which were more recent. How many people know that you, you came close to ending your life? I haven't told anyone about those specific instances. I have definitely like in passing,

[00:43:36] like I was referring to earlier, just mentioned like, I want to die. Just to friends and family, just like, hey, I'm not feeling great. I want to die. It's just an emotion that I'm expressing.

[00:43:48] No one knows that I have all my plots and schemes, my poisons, my rope. There will be people that know like me and others, but they're not really around you. You'd said you listed off several different diagnoses that I imagine you got over the years from professionals.

[00:44:07] Yeah, it's been a long journey. I, it wasn't until I was like, I was almost turning 30 that I finally got a, I went and got some therapy for a bit when I was in the LA area, but it was kind of like,

[00:44:23] it was through a community center that, you know, like people getting their hours, they did what they could. They were definitely like an ear to hear what I had to say, but

[00:44:35] they didn't have the capacity to get me a lot of the support that I needed, but it was, it was a band-aid. It's been interesting to kind of, I don't know, really sit with and start to

[00:44:49] look at myself in a way, like, okay, look at the diagnosis. It's like, what is this? And what is that? And some of it is, you know, like epigenetic trauma. Some of it is just my special brain that

[00:45:04] I still don't understand and trying to support. I think that, you know, therapists and psychiatrists are very rare to like give you labels initially. And then there's always like this issue with, you know, the insurance billing of like, you can't have like multiple overlapping

[00:45:28] diagnoses. You have to have one. I can see that it's been hard to sit with and reflect certain diagnosis, like the bipolar was definitely hard for me to wrap my head around. And there's

[00:45:41] definitely a lot of stigma with that. And I'm still struggling with that, just how to navigate it. And obviously it's definitely contributing to my ideations. Like I think that now I'm in my mid-thirties, I went through like the tumultuous times of my childhood, got past that and then

[00:46:01] lived some life and got to this point. And I'm feeling very much like tumultuous times right now. I guess there's a lot of perspective that I have now where I'm like, oh wow, this whole time you've

[00:46:12] been dealing with this type of brain, these specific mental issues that affect everything. It's frustrating. I don't want to like play the oppression Olympics or the, you know, struggle bus Olympics or whatever. But growing up, I guess I had this idea of optimism and this idea of like,

[00:46:30] okay, this is how life's going to go. And it's not going to be that hard. You know, life happens and it is hard and you do struggle. And it's like, then you get to the point that we consider

[00:46:40] suicide. I guess there's just this part of me that is frustrated and it's like, this is not what I expected things to turn out to be. And this is not what I like. And I don't,

[00:46:52] I don't know how to move forward. It makes sense. How many people, if any, do you have in your life that you could talk to and mention the word suicide? And when that

[00:47:02] conversation is over, you don't feel worse or scared. There's a handful of people that I think I could have that conversation with. I think that part of me is always like hoping to make other

[00:47:14] people that I'm interacting with feel better when I leave them. I am reluctant to share a lot of the struggles because I kind of feel shitty bringing it up. I know it's such a tough spot. Do you take

[00:47:28] meds? I do right now. I'm just really taking one. It's helping. I should probably be taking some other ones. I need to get more serious about that. And it does make me contemplate like,

[00:47:40] if I should check myself in because I know that there is more access to getting you dialed in a little bit better. Pink and purple pill. You know it. I'll just remind our audience, maybe they

[00:47:51] haven't heard it. I give Krista a pink and purple pill and she takes it if she chooses to. She sleeps. She feels no pain. She doesn't wake up and nobody knows it's a suicide. And I give you this

[00:48:01] pill right now somehow magically through our laptops or phones. What do you do with that pill? At this moment in time, I think I would save it. I guess there's like this part of me where I'm

[00:48:13] just like, I just want to have a really nice day and then go. I think that there's just like this part of me where it's like, I know that death is inevitable and I'm hoping to not struggle so much

[00:48:26] longer, but it's also I want to try to enjoy what I can if I can get myself out of the house and get myself out of my own head. I would hope that I would have a really nice day, have some beautiful

[00:48:42] nature around, some nice walks and pop that thing and then go. But obviously, that's a lovely fantasy. It is. We know it's not real, but it's an interesting question. Yeah. Does anything help you feel better? I just recently started this group therapy and that's definitely helping

[00:49:03] somewhat getting out, going on my night walks. There's certain things that do. And I think that there's also just like this part of my brain that's been fractured where I'm like, I don't

[00:49:14] enjoy a lot of the same things that I once did. So I need to get back in touch with that. Myths or misconceptions that you would like to dispel and or call bullshit on? I know,

[00:49:26] probably a long list, but is there one or two that are really like, we got to get this shit out to people? I feel conflicted sometimes about this one. But I also just I accept the fact that

[00:49:40] it is what it is like it the whole it's a permanent solution for every problem. Yes. Sometimes you can turn a new leaf and a new chapter starts and things get better and somehow

[00:49:54] you find the will to live. But I feel like when things just keep piling up and getting worse and worse and worse, it really does not look like a glass half full. It looks pretty bad. The glass

[00:50:08] has broken. Glass has broken. That's a good memoir title. Yeah. The idea that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's like, at what point does this problem? Yeah, we could debate

[00:50:21] over semantics, but how temporary is it really? Who gets to decide that? Obviously, you know what, how I feel. It's like, you do. I know that this is a world shattering experience for someone to die.

[00:50:34] It is awful. I have a lot of guilt about feeling suicidal, but I also feel shitty too. I guess it was hard to come to terms with the people in my life who have died by suicide, but I also

[00:50:48] just see that they needed to go and that is what happened. I think that that's kind of the end of it all. It's not about what ifs. It's just like it happened. It's what was meant to happen. Yes,

[00:50:59] it is sad, but it's also just like this is where they were at. When's your birthday? My birthday is in the end of August. Will you make it to your birthday? It's a question that I ask myself a lot.

[00:51:12] Most likely, I probably will. Especially this year, I'm just aggrieved about the loathsome cycle that I've been in and just feeling like life is not going anywhere right now and I'm not doing

[00:51:26] well. Coming up to that date at the end of August, I am not really looking forward. It's not something that I want to celebrate and I also just don't want anyone else to celebrate it. If you choose

[00:51:41] to end your life, whether it's before that day or sometime after that day, do you think you'll be going to heaven or hell or somewhere else or nowhere? I don't believe in hell. I think that

[00:51:54] hell is what we make it. It's like right here. I guess I do believe in hell. Hell is here on earth. As far as what's next, I have this thought that there is some type of thing after. I've definitely

[00:52:08] looked into a lot of these near-death experience things and heard people talk about that and that's very interesting. It makes me think that there's something else beyond this. I don't think that

[00:52:22] it's good or bad. I think that it's very neutral. That gives me some comfort, but I think that that is something that I think about a lot. I guess that there's still some things that I need

[00:52:35] to do here. Thank you for talking, Krista in California. I appreciate it. Is there anything else? I know we sometimes leave stuff out. I hope that whoever hears this feels less alone. Now you're on the list. You'll be one of the guests soon enough.

[00:52:54] Yep. I hope the rest of your day is decent and you enjoy your evening walk. I shall talk to you soon, Krista. Thank you once again. All right. Thanks. Bye. Take care. Bye. As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support. Special thanks to Krista

[00:53:11] in California. Thank you, Krista. If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com. You can reach us on Facebook at Suicide Noted. Check the show notes to learn more about the podcast, including our membership and rate and

[00:53:28] review this podcast. If you want to help us find more people who may want to feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. Thank you. That is all for episode number 222. Stay strong. Do the best you can. I'll talk to you soon.