Kayla in Oregon

[00:00:00] It's so ignorant when people don't take the time to just sit there and listen to somebody and then instead just offer their advice.

[00:00:07] Well, why don't you go on a juice cleanse or do this or do that?

[00:00:09] And it's like, why don't you shut the fuck up and just listen to what I have to say?

[00:00:34] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted.

[00:00:38] On this podcast, I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories.

[00:00:43] Every year around the world, millions of people, millions of people try to take their own lives.

[00:00:48] And we almost never talk about it.

[00:00:51] We certainly don't talk about it enough.

[00:00:52] And when we do talk about it, many of us, most of us, we're not very good at it.

[00:00:57] Actually, we suck at it.

[00:00:59] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors in large part to help more people in more places.

[00:01:08] Hopefully feel a little less shitty and a little less alone.

[00:01:11] Now, if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:01:15] Our email is hello at suicidenoted.com.

[00:01:19] We are shifting and moving some things around with our social media.

[00:01:23] So for now, email is best.

[00:01:25] This is the final episode of 2024.

[00:01:28] How we got here so quickly, I do not know.

[00:01:31] But here we are.

[00:01:33] And another year of great conversations with attempt survivors.

[00:01:36] I could not be more grateful for all of you trusting me.

[00:01:40] I feel blessed.

[00:01:40] And I don't say that about a lot of things in my life, but I very much mean it here.

[00:01:44] You know, we've been downloaded.

[00:01:46] This podcast has been downloaded almost a half a million times and heard in well over 100 countries.

[00:01:51] So we're doing the work.

[00:01:52] And I think it's helping.

[00:01:53] I hope it's helping.

[00:01:54] So thank you.

[00:01:55] A few people I want to thank in particular.

[00:01:58] Thank you to Deanna in Colorado.

[00:02:00] Deanna invited me to a conference to speak in May, late May, and has helped out in other ways.

[00:02:05] So thank you, Deanna.

[00:02:05] Thank you to Alyssa, who lives now in Oregon.

[00:02:08] We spoke not long ago.

[00:02:10] Her episode is not yet out here on this podcast, but she has trusted me to help her with her podcast.

[00:02:16] That first episode should be out this week, next week latest.

[00:02:21] Stay tuned for that.

[00:02:22] Good enough, Nation.

[00:02:23] And Elizabeth, who has also trusted me to help her with her podcast, Resiliency Reconsidered.

[00:02:29] She is now through four episodes.

[00:02:31] She is in the editing process, which can be a beast.

[00:02:34] For episode number five, Elizabeth has helped out in all kinds of ways this year.

[00:02:40] And she's writing a book.

[00:02:41] She's putting together a book based on this podcast, Suicide Noted, and some of the conversation stories.

[00:02:49] So stay tuned for that.

[00:02:50] That will be out sooner than later, we hope.

[00:02:52] It's pretty cool.

[00:02:53] In 2025, a few things you can look forward to.

[00:02:57] We will be doing guest updates.

[00:02:59] If you are a guest or were a guest on this podcast and you would like to give us an update, meet with me, talk with me.

[00:03:05] I would love to do that.

[00:03:06] I know I've said it before.

[00:03:07] I am really going to make an effort to do that in 2025 now that we're four and a half years in.

[00:03:13] If you have expressed interest in volunteering, you are on a list.

[00:03:17] If you are still interested, I will be contacting you and reaching out sooner than later.

[00:03:21] We've got all sorts of things we want to be doing and we will need some help.

[00:03:25] To all of our listeners, I really want to hear more from you.

[00:03:29] I know you're busy and you're going through your thing and probably shit is hard.

[00:03:33] Remember, if you check the show notes, and I know I say that a lot, you can leave us a message, a voice recorded message.

[00:03:39] I'd love to hear from you.

[00:03:40] Whatever you have to say, whatever you want to share.

[00:03:42] In fact, in January, I'm going to schedule a meeting for listeners.

[00:03:47] I'll do my best.

[00:03:47] Maybe I'll schedule two to accommodate different time zones and different schedules.

[00:03:52] But you want to get together and meet and talk and learn from you and hear from you.

[00:03:57] And finally, like I said, we are in need of funding.

[00:04:00] And so if you know somebody that can help out, perhaps maybe they can really help out.

[00:04:06] I hope you're not shy in sharing this podcast with them.

[00:04:09] I'm happy to share with you more information to share with them if they want more details on, for example, how we would use the funding.

[00:04:16] I'm glad to put that together.

[00:04:18] I'm not going to stop doing this.

[00:04:19] I promise you until I am dead or nobody else wants to talk.

[00:04:22] But we have so many good ideas and they're going to be limited if we don't have more funding.

[00:04:27] We're now fiscally sponsored.

[00:04:28] So we're acting essentially as a nonprofit.

[00:04:30] So that means if people donate, not only will they be helping us and not only will they feel wonderful, but there are some tax breaks.

[00:04:37] Thanks.

[00:04:38] Finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast.

[00:04:41] I don't hold back and my guests don't either.

[00:04:45] So please take that into account before you listen or as you listen.

[00:04:48] But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn.

[00:04:51] Today, I am talking with Kayla.

[00:04:53] Kayla lives in Oregon and she is a suicide attempt survivor.

[00:04:59] I want to start by saying this.

[00:05:01] Kayla in...

[00:05:02] Kayla in Oregon.

[00:05:04] Kayla in Southern.

[00:05:04] Well, never mind.

[00:05:05] Don't give your address, Kayla.

[00:05:07] Thank you.

[00:05:09] I met Kayla about two years ago, maybe a little less.

[00:05:13] She, along with Sharon, who lives up in Thunder Bay, Ontario, is helping out with Signal.

[00:05:18] Go to the show notes if you want to know what the Signal group is.

[00:05:22] It's amazing.

[00:05:23] Well, this is interesting and it does segue into what we're going to talk about today, certainly.

[00:05:27] You and Sharon were essentially running, moderating, facilitating that group, which meets on an app, on a phone.

[00:05:35] Yep.

[00:05:35] Yep.

[00:05:35] And then there was a point, and I don't know my dates, not tracking it so closely, where you weren't as active.

[00:05:42] And I feel like that might be a good starting point.

[00:05:45] Hi, Kayla.

[00:05:46] Hi.

[00:05:48] All right.

[00:05:49] Thanks for talking.

[00:05:50] Yes.

[00:05:51] Thanks for having me.

[00:05:52] So far, I've already dominated the conversation, which is not...

[00:05:56] I need a little direction.

[00:05:58] Otherwise, I'm just going to talk forever.

[00:06:00] You're in your home.

[00:06:02] You're wearing glasses.

[00:06:02] I am.

[00:06:03] I am.

[00:06:04] I have my two dogs, Aaron, my foster and Samson.

[00:06:08] How has your year been?

[00:06:11] 2024 has been...

[00:06:12] I debated on how to say that because I feel like that was...

[00:06:16] But I'm just going to go with this first thing that came to my mind last night when I was thinking about this.

[00:06:21] And it's a little strange, but this is who I am.

[00:06:23] So 2024, in my best description, has been like, when you go number two and you go to finish your business and your finger goes through the toilet paper and touches your butt.

[00:06:34] That is...

[00:06:36] 2024 has been for me.

[00:06:38] It has been rough.

[00:06:40] It's probably been, honestly, in all seriousness, it's probably been one of the hardest years of my entire life.

[00:06:45] How old are you?

[00:06:46] 35.

[00:06:47] All right.

[00:06:47] So one of the hardest of your life.

[00:06:49] Why?

[00:06:50] Oh, gosh.

[00:06:51] That's a lot to unpack.

[00:06:53] So much has happened.

[00:06:54] And so much has happened that has triggered my innermost issues, right?

[00:06:59] Like traumas and all that.

[00:07:01] And so it's just been like one thing after another.

[00:07:05] And every situation I've been through has just been the same thing, but in a different situation.

[00:07:11] Did you try to end your life this year?

[00:07:12] I did.

[00:07:13] When was that?

[00:07:14] That was in August.

[00:07:16] Up until August of 2024, had you ever tried to take your life?

[00:07:20] Yes.

[00:07:21] Several times, yeah.

[00:07:22] I had a couple of attempts when I was in my teens.

[00:07:27] And then a couple attempts as a younger adult in my 20s.

[00:07:31] So this is not...

[00:07:32] I don't know how to frame this, but it's not like a completely new thing, so to speak.

[00:07:37] No.

[00:07:38] I would say the ideation is within the last five or six years is newer, but the attempts, no.

[00:07:44] One of the things I love about this is that 2024, like almost every show or podcast or video is almost like, let's celebrate 2024.

[00:07:53] Let's...

[00:07:53] I know.

[00:07:54] ...talk about all your wins.

[00:07:56] Let's talk about all the opportunities to grow.

[00:07:58] Let's talk about all the ways in which you could be a better human being.

[00:08:01] All the thanks, all the gratitude.

[00:08:03] And that stuff might come up.

[00:08:05] I mean, you're here after all.

[00:08:06] Yeah.

[00:08:06] I think you're going to make it to the end of the year, we think, maybe.

[00:08:09] Nah, we're going to talk about something else, folks.

[00:08:11] Okay, cool.

[00:08:12] Yeah.

[00:08:13] I tried looking for some inspiration on how to maybe organize what I was going to talk about.

[00:08:19] And it's all just like the happy stuff.

[00:08:21] And, you know, the butterflies and unicorns and glitter.

[00:08:24] And it's like, no, no, no.

[00:08:25] I want to talk about how shitty this fucking year was.

[00:08:28] Surviving every fucking day just to get to 2025.

[00:08:31] Right.

[00:08:32] And we still have, what, like nine days?

[00:08:34] Yeah.

[00:08:35] Yeah.

[00:08:35] And this will come out.

[00:08:36] I wanted this to come out before the end of the year.

[00:08:38] So I think that's the 30th?

[00:08:41] I mean, I have like a timeline of the things, like the major events that have happened this year.

[00:08:47] And so I can kind of maybe...

[00:08:49] That would be awesome.

[00:08:49] So just one of the things, I started 2024 off in a really good spot.

[00:08:56] I was in a really loving relationship, you know, doing well at work, despite the circumstances

[00:09:02] that were going on, which I'll talk about in a little bit.

[00:09:05] But so I started off 2024 in a really good place.

[00:09:10] My partner and I at the time watched the Death Star blow up.

[00:09:15] You know, if you watch it and time it at a certain time, it'll blow up right at midnight.

[00:09:20] I think we're like 12 seconds off, but whatever.

[00:09:22] And so that's how I started 2024.

[00:09:26] Gosh, moving forward in May, nothing really significant happened then, but in May of 2024,

[00:09:32] May the 4th, if you can't catch on to the theme here, Star Wars, I got baptized.

[00:09:37] Yeah, so I found religion this year too, which is probably a big thing that has helped me throughout this most recent few months.

[00:09:46] And then in June of 2024, I left my job willingly.

[00:09:51] I've been on the signal group kind of sharing what was going on, but basically we're battling for funding.

[00:09:58] And it was my role to kind of be the public advocate for that.

[00:10:02] And we were just battling some county commissioners.

[00:10:06] It's a lot.

[00:10:07] And so I chose to leave.

[00:10:09] I was kind of being pushed out anyway for a lot of different reasons, but chose to leave on my own terms, thankfully.

[00:10:16] And then subsequently that office was defunded in July.

[00:10:20] Got hired on in June with a job that I thought I really, really loved.

[00:10:27] And obviously I'm fostering my dog, Aaron, it's teaching people and service dogs.

[00:10:33] So I was like, this is a really great way to, you know, give back to the community, which is kind of what I'm looking for.

[00:10:37] Give back.

[00:10:38] And then in July got broken up with, and that has been devastating.

[00:10:45] And then I got fired in November.

[00:10:48] Okay.

[00:10:49] So New Year's Eve, Death Star, baptized, quit job, got job, got broken up with, lost job.

[00:10:55] Yeah.

[00:10:56] Yeah.

[00:10:56] Somewhere in there between get broken up with and Lou's most recent job is a suicide attempt.

[00:11:04] Yeah.

[00:11:05] August of 2024.

[00:11:06] Do you remember the day?

[00:11:07] Do you remember what day it was?

[00:11:08] I don't.

[00:11:09] I could probably look it up and let you know, but I don't know if that's what we did.

[00:11:11] I guess the more important part of that is not necessarily the day, but like why that day?

[00:11:15] Was there a particular reason why it was that day?

[00:11:18] No, no.

[00:11:19] I think it was just a buildup of everything.

[00:11:21] I had been extremely suicidal for a good month and a half at least.

[00:11:28] I don't know, even longer.

[00:11:30] Pretty much since the breakup.

[00:11:31] And that day in particular is when I acted on it.

[00:11:36] And in my case, it was a firearm.

[00:11:45] Yeah.

[00:11:47] Mm-hmm.

[00:12:32] Aaron saved my life.

[00:12:35] I was just super upset in that moment, ready to pull the trigger.

[00:12:41] She's really great at sensing how I feel.

[00:12:43] And she's a trained service dog.

[00:12:45] So, I mean, she has training and service.

[00:12:47] So, she kind of picks up on those things anyway, but she just came over, licked my face, like

[00:12:52] licked the tears off my face, and then just like sat in my lap with her front paws.

[00:12:57] And that was enough to kind of snap me out of that feeling for just a moment, enough to

[00:13:03] be able to pick up the phone and call my mom for help.

[00:13:06] Do you still own that gun?

[00:13:08] I do.

[00:13:08] Yeah.

[00:13:09] So, you know how to use a gun?

[00:13:10] Yeah.

[00:13:11] Yeah.

[00:13:11] I worked in prior law enforcement.

[00:13:14] I've had guns my whole life.

[00:13:15] So, yeah, I own quite a few guns.

[00:13:17] I imagine you chose that gun for a reason, that particular gun.

[00:13:20] And then you know how to use a gun.

[00:13:23] Yeah.

[00:13:24] So, we can't guarantee it, but with those two things, I'm imagining you would have died.

[00:13:30] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:13:31] I won't spend a lot of time here.

[00:13:33] I just want to get a little bit clearer on the moment.

[00:13:36] Were you going back and forth?

[00:13:38] And what's your dog's name that saved you?

[00:13:40] Aaron.

[00:13:41] Did Aaron come at the right time?

[00:13:43] Or were you sort of maybe not going to do it anyway?

[00:13:46] I might have wavered a little bit, but I was pretty convinced in that moment that I didn't

[00:13:50] want to be alive anymore.

[00:13:52] And so, I was just sitting there kind of going through, you know, all the things that you

[00:13:58] kind of go through when you're contemplating ending your life.

[00:14:00] Like, all the things that are going on and weighing all the pain that you're going through.

[00:14:05] At least that's my experience.

[00:14:06] You know, just kind of replaying.

[00:14:08] Like, for me, I think what saved me in the past, and especially this past year, is just

[00:14:13] having safeguards in place.

[00:14:15] For me, the safeguards are, I don't want my body to be found by certain people.

[00:14:21] You know, like my family members.

[00:14:22] I want my house to be clean and organized.

[00:14:26] You know, like there's certain things that are silly, but have kept me from completing.

[00:14:30] But in that moment, the pain was just so great that I didn't care about any of that.

[00:14:35] And that's kind of the first time I've gotten that far with dealing with this ideation for

[00:14:41] over, you know, six years now.

[00:14:43] And I just didn't care at that point.

[00:14:46] Like, all the safeguards I had put up were just, they didn't matter anymore.

[00:14:50] Right.

[00:14:51] What did your mom say?

[00:14:52] I called her.

[00:14:53] She had to go to work that day.

[00:14:54] She offered to take the day off.

[00:14:56] I said no, but she wanted me to come to work with her and just hang out in the back room.

[00:15:01] I didn't feel comfortable with that.

[00:15:03] I just went back to sleep.

[00:15:04] How long do you think your gun's in your hand for several minutes?

[00:15:07] Yeah.

[00:15:07] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:15:08] Your dog comes over, you put the gun down, you call your mom, you hang up the phone at

[00:15:13] some point.

[00:15:14] I'm imagining the gun is somewhere nearby.

[00:15:16] Yeah.

[00:15:17] And you just wanted to die.

[00:15:19] Wanted to die.

[00:15:20] Yeah.

[00:15:21] Now you go back, you're just going to go back to sleep.

[00:15:23] Yeah.

[00:15:23] It's fascinating.

[00:15:24] You know, I don't think people, I hope people don't understand when I say fascinating.

[00:15:27] It's not like, it's just a human mind or whatever's happening.

[00:15:31] What is, what is.

[00:15:31] Right.

[00:15:32] Right.

[00:15:32] Like for someone who deals with ideation on a daily basis, going from living in your

[00:15:38] head and like literally thinking, Hey, what if I, you know, they're off the road and kill

[00:15:42] myself, you know, like to like, Oh, Hey, I have a zoom meeting in 10 minutes, you know,

[00:15:47] at work.

[00:15:47] I got to put a look put together.

[00:15:49] It's, it is fascinating.

[00:15:51] Like how you function.

[00:15:52] And I don't know how the F I do it.

[00:15:55] Does the ideating now, does it also focus on how I wish it, I wish I wish would have

[00:16:01] pulled the trigger that day.

[00:16:03] Yeah.

[00:16:03] I think now that I'm out of August and nearing the end of the year and just based on the

[00:16:09] certain events that have happened this year, I think I'm in a much better place now than

[00:16:14] I definitely was.

[00:16:15] Then I was kind of in the thick of it at that point in my life, actually getting fired from

[00:16:21] that job was devastating in the sense that, Hey, I just got fired from my job, but was

[00:16:27] also a relief for so many different reasons.

[00:16:31] And, uh, I think I just need to get out of that environment.

[00:16:34] So while I don't think I'm doing great, I'm doing much better now.

[00:16:38] So unemployed without a job.

[00:16:40] What was that job?

[00:16:42] What was the recent job that you got fired from?

[00:16:43] I was in the C suite.

[00:16:45] I was in the C suite.

[00:16:47] I was the chief operation officer for, you know, like I said, a college that trained students

[00:16:53] and service dogs.

[00:16:55] Super great.

[00:16:55] I didn't understand the connection between that.

[00:16:57] Okay, cool.

[00:16:58] Yeah.

[00:16:58] Yeah.

[00:16:59] I love that job, but I, you know, it was really dysfunctional and still is.

[00:17:04] I don't think it was entirely my fault.

[00:17:05] Why I got let go.

[00:17:07] I think there's just a severe issue with the management there.

[00:17:11] Yeah.

[00:17:11] I don't even honestly know the reason why I got fired.

[00:17:14] They didn't tell me, even though I asked like, what is the reason I got fired?

[00:17:17] You sign a thing when you, when you first start, like, Hey, your employment is at will.

[00:17:21] And so that was kind of what they went on.

[00:17:23] But even like the unemployment lady was like, what the fuck?

[00:17:27] All right.

[00:17:27] So here's what I know about you because we've had some conversations in the past.

[00:17:30] I know that you've been married twice.

[00:17:33] Twice.

[00:17:33] Yeah.

[00:17:34] My, my first husband died of pancreatic cancer.

[00:17:38] And then I, I divorced my second husband.

[00:17:40] I know that you've been on a reality television show.

[00:17:43] Yeah.

[00:17:44] I guess it's reality TV.

[00:17:46] Yeah.

[00:17:46] Yeah.

[00:17:47] Gold mining in Alaska.

[00:17:48] Hooray.

[00:17:49] So Kayla's been married.

[00:17:51] She lost one of her husbands to cancer.

[00:17:53] Lost one of them because she chose to lose him from what it sounds like.

[00:17:56] Cool outdoorsy reality show.

[00:17:59] Lived in mostly a West coaster, right?

[00:18:01] Yeah.

[00:18:02] How did we find each other?

[00:18:03] Do you remember?

[00:18:04] I started listening to the suicide noted podcast in 2021 when I first moved back to Oregon from

[00:18:10] Texas.

[00:18:10] And it was like shortly after a few months after that, I reached out to you and I was like, Hey, thanks for what you do, you know, like whatever.

[00:18:17] And then I think I reached out shortly after that, like, Hey, I'd like to be on the podcast.

[00:18:23] And then I flaked out on that and then flaked out a few more times.

[00:18:26] Here I am.

[00:18:27] And for a lot of the time you were running or co-running the signal group.

[00:18:32] I know you were very involved and then not as involved.

[00:18:36] I don't know how I feel about the signal group.

[00:18:38] It's, um, I mean, I love it.

[00:18:40] It's great.

[00:18:40] I think it's super great.

[00:18:41] I just wish more people were active.

[00:18:43] Yeah.

[00:18:44] Ditto.

[00:18:44] Okay.

[00:18:45] So in this time of growing up, teenage twenties, all the stuff I mentioned, a couple of adventures, a couple of partnerships.

[00:18:53] You had tried a few times.

[00:18:55] It was always with Hills.

[00:18:57] Yeah.

[00:18:58] Did you ever in that time go to a hospital for that?

[00:19:03] I did.

[00:19:03] When I was a young, uh, when I had my first attempt at, uh, 15, I did end up going to the ER.

[00:19:10] I would have never been locked up like in a prolonged period of time.

[00:19:15] Thank goodness.

[00:19:15] My mom at that time was like, this is going to do more damage to you than not.

[00:19:20] So let's get the test and make sure that you're okay.

[00:19:24] You know, like the CT scan, whatever it was.

[00:19:27] Um, and let's get you out.

[00:19:28] But my experience with that, and I think that was the best decision, especially at that age, the county that I lived in at that time, which is just the neighboring county.

[00:19:37] It doesn't have the greatest mental health services.

[00:19:40] Still doesn't.

[00:19:41] Yeah.

[00:19:41] I'm glad my mom made that decision for me.

[00:19:43] Yeah.

[00:19:43] She was actually like, shut up.

[00:19:45] Don't tell him you're still suicidal.

[00:19:47] Tell him you're remorseful.

[00:19:49] And that's shitty.

[00:19:50] And I still, even as 35 year old adult, I've never called 988.

[00:19:54] I've never, you know, I don't reach out because I'm scared to death of getting locked up against my will.

[00:19:59] I see the benefits if you're in a crisis situation, but mine have always kind of passed.

[00:20:03] So anyway, the nurses and the doctors back then when I went to the hospital were just not sympathetic at all.

[00:20:10] In fact, made me feel bad and guilty for even attempting, you know, they're like, oh, you're so young.

[00:20:15] You didn't even know.

[00:20:16] And that's one of the things I wrote down, especially about 2024 is like a lot of the people that I've spoken to about this.

[00:20:23] Cause I'm, I'm pretty open about the things that are happening to me.

[00:20:26] One, because like in 2024, I realized that I need community and I never had that before.

[00:20:33] I always dealt with things on my own just because of my own trauma and abandonment issues.

[00:20:38] And I'm just like, I'm just on my own.

[00:20:39] I'm a lone wolf, whatever.

[00:20:41] But this year, especially I learned that I need community.

[00:20:44] I need, you know, so I leaned a lot on my coworkers at the time, my church community, my family, of course, my friends.

[00:20:53] Back then it didn't work well to be so open.

[00:20:56] And now you're more open.

[00:20:57] Sounds like people, when you use the word community, it's suggestive that that is working.

[00:21:01] Yeah.

[00:21:02] Yeah.

[00:21:03] Even including the signal group, the signal group was pretty monumental in my healing as well.

[00:21:08] So what I want to understand is, so you, you, that, so you had that hospital spirits as a teenager, you go through your life up and down.

[00:21:15] And then six years ago, when you were in your late twenties, you start ideating.

[00:21:20] Interesting.

[00:21:20] When, if you talk about 2024, you know, you started with new years and then in the middle

[00:21:26] of it was an attempt.

[00:21:27] And now we're talking here, but it's interesting to me, what were you doing six years ago when,

[00:21:32] when that switched?

[00:21:33] I left my job with the federal government that I had for over a decade.

[00:21:39] I had a clear goal in mind of what I wanted to do.

[00:21:43] I left that for an opportunity in Texas with my now ex-husband and yeah.

[00:21:48] And left Oregon for Texas.

[00:21:50] Yeah.

[00:21:51] That was the moment in my head where it switched, where now I'm going to start thinking about

[00:21:56] suicide all the time now.

[00:21:58] Because it's always been in my back pocket, but never as prevalent that even after burying

[00:22:03] my husband, you know, who, who I witnessed die.

[00:22:07] I didn't really, you know, there was, there was thoughts of like, man, I'm really depressed,

[00:22:11] but it was never like, I want to in my own life.

[00:22:14] But at that moment, I remember being in my car and everybody was in the other car.

[00:22:19] My mom, my, my cats, my now ex-husband.

[00:22:22] And I was by myself because I needed some time to myself.

[00:22:25] And I was like, I'm going to run off the road.

[00:22:27] I'm going to kill myself.

[00:22:29] Yeah.

[00:22:29] And that's that exact moment.

[00:22:30] I think I was in New Mexico at the time.

[00:22:32] So you got married, you decided to move to Texas.

[00:22:36] In hindsight, I should have never entered that whole relationship.

[00:22:39] Not that he's a bad person.

[00:22:40] It was just not a great situation for me.

[00:22:43] The move and the man were in part, do you think, a part of the reason why you started ideating?

[00:22:48] Yeah.

[00:22:49] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:22:50] Giving up my job for the first time that I'd worked so hard to do, or jobs, but with the federal government.

[00:22:57] Yeah, that was a huge change for me.

[00:23:00] For the six or so years from that day in New Mexico, maybe, to today, you have been ideating regularly.

[00:23:07] Yeah, yeah.

[00:23:09] But one time only, a few months ago, do you try?

[00:23:12] I had attempts in Texas as well.

[00:23:15] Okay.

[00:23:15] Yeah, same means, firearm.

[00:23:17] And that's what ultimately led me to take a break from work there and come out here for, I think, two months.

[00:23:24] And ultimately decide to get a divorce and move back.

[00:23:28] And yeah, I was at the highlight of my life when that happened.

[00:23:31] Because I finally made a decision for myself and I was at peace with that.

[00:23:35] And I knew I was kind of hurting him in that process.

[00:23:38] But in order for me to stay alive, I needed to come back here and to home.

[00:23:44] There's a lot of relief with that.

[00:23:46] And you're making it through.

[00:23:47] You're not dead.

[00:23:48] You're alive.

[00:23:49] You take care of a dog or two.

[00:23:52] You go to work most days.

[00:23:53] You have some people in your life, like family or friends.

[00:23:57] Here's where it's going to be a little sensitive here.

[00:23:59] So, you know, you'll just share what you want.

[00:24:00] I think it was sometime in 2023, if I'm not mistaken, you meet somebody.

[00:24:06] Yeah.

[00:24:06] Do you want to talk about that?

[00:24:08] Yeah.

[00:24:09] When you guys meet, are the other things in your life mostly okay?

[00:24:13] Yeah, I would say they were okay.

[00:24:15] Yeah.

[00:24:16] My work had taken a lot of priority at that time because we were, you know, trying to get

[00:24:22] funding for the office.

[00:24:24] And I was doing a lot of public outreach.

[00:24:27] And that's ultimately kind of how I met him again.

[00:24:30] That was in like November.

[00:24:34] Get into it.

[00:24:35] Start dating.

[00:24:36] Get close fast, right?

[00:24:38] Yeah.

[00:24:39] Yeah.

[00:24:39] That was my first relationship after my divorce.

[00:24:42] First relationship in three years after my divorce.

[00:24:45] And I really gave it my all.

[00:24:48] Yeah.

[00:24:48] So life was good.

[00:24:49] The rest of 2023.

[00:24:51] And then the beginning of 2024.

[00:24:54] Because of him, I found pathway with religion or a certain denomination anyway.

[00:25:01] I've always been kind of spiritual or religious, but found a denomination that really made a lot

[00:25:06] of sense to me.

[00:25:07] I made the decision to get baptized at his home church.

[00:25:11] And I'm really happy about that.

[00:25:14] Ended up making the huge decision to leave my job.

[00:25:46] And that was hard on us.

[00:25:47] Kind of shitty the way that I'm sorry.

[00:25:49] Can you not lick your butthole right now?

[00:25:51] Is that a person or an animal you just talked to?

[00:25:53] Erin.

[00:25:54] Yeah.

[00:25:55] Yeah.

[00:25:55] Thanks, dude.

[00:25:56] Can you not?

[00:25:56] So that was pretty devastating to have that happen.

[00:25:59] To be in a relationship with somebody who I thought was like the one, right?

[00:26:03] You know, I'm in a different place now.

[00:26:07] But then at that time, you know, it was really hard because I felt really abandoned.

[00:26:12] And, you know, how does someone who says that they love and care about you just leave

[00:26:17] you in that way and not even have a conversation?

[00:26:20] You know, I don't know.

[00:26:21] I just love this person still so much.

[00:26:23] I don't think it's that uncommon where it's like someone can hurt you like that, but yet

[00:26:27] you still love them so much.

[00:26:29] And you're like, wow.

[00:26:29] I know.

[00:26:30] I know.

[00:26:30] Like the past me would have been like, you know what?

[00:26:33] Fuck you.

[00:26:33] You know?

[00:26:34] And I don't know if it's because like I truly love this person.

[00:26:38] It is not that I'm saying I forgive this person for these actions or what they did to me

[00:26:42] because I don't.

[00:26:43] I mean, like I'm working towards that for my own piece, but it's like that was really

[00:26:47] shitty, you know?

[00:26:48] But at the same time, it's like I kind of understand why you did these things.

[00:26:52] I'm not saying that it's okay that you did those things, but I understand the reasons

[00:26:57] why.

[00:26:57] Because like I took the time to get to know this person and to understand how they work.

[00:27:03] You know, I just see it for what it is.

[00:27:05] It is an asshole move.

[00:27:07] But at the same time, it's like I understand why you did it.

[00:27:11] Wait, wait.

[00:27:11] You came to that conclusion on your own?

[00:27:13] Oh, yeah.

[00:27:14] Yeah.

[00:27:14] Just like you came to the same conclusion as why you lost your job.

[00:27:18] Right.

[00:27:18] Right.

[00:27:19] See, that's what I mean is just like it's one situation after the other and they're

[00:27:23] different, but it's been the same lesson.

[00:27:26] Right.

[00:27:27] And one of the things like I keep seeing over and over in 2024 is like, okay, God's going

[00:27:33] to repeat the same things through different experiences if you're not learning.

[00:27:37] And I'm like, okay, what am I not learning?

[00:27:39] Because this is the third fucking big thing in this year that has happened to me.

[00:27:45] Right.

[00:27:45] You know, like leaving a job, getting my heart broken, getting fired.

[00:27:49] What am I not learning?

[00:27:50] I know.

[00:27:51] Well, what is what are you not learning?

[00:27:52] Do we think?

[00:27:53] I don't know.

[00:27:54] I am focusing on right now through like therapy and like a holistic approach right now.

[00:28:01] I'm learning to love myself and put myself first because I never have.

[00:28:06] And maybe that's it.

[00:28:07] I don't know.

[00:28:08] But like, I'm just so frustrated with the same shit that keeps happening in different

[00:28:13] situations.

[00:28:14] Like, I feel like I'm being put in a lot of situations to advocate for people and for

[00:28:21] myself and for the community and crap like that.

[00:28:24] And I know it's heartbreaking.

[00:28:25] I know it's hard to do.

[00:28:27] But like, I have the strength to do that.

[00:28:28] But I'm like, get put in these unjust situations.

[00:28:31] And I finally I've asked several people like, is it me?

[00:28:34] Am I the problem?

[00:28:35] Like, you know, because if something happens to you more than once, people are just like,

[00:28:39] there's something wrong with you, you know, but like, I just have a string of bad luck

[00:28:43] seems like.

[00:28:45] So who and after all of this during and after you there were times when we almost talked,

[00:28:52] but we didn't for this podcast.

[00:28:54] And now you're here.

[00:28:55] So what is different about December 22nd, 2024?

[00:29:00] I think.

[00:29:01] Can you can you stop, please?

[00:29:04] Go lick your butthole somewhere else.

[00:29:06] You might have saved my fucking life, but get the fuck out of the room.

[00:29:09] Yeah.

[00:29:10] All right.

[00:29:10] Let me collect myself a little bit.

[00:29:12] Why now?

[00:29:12] I think that 2024 for me has been horrendous, but I think that sharing my experiences, like

[00:29:22] I want to help others through that.

[00:29:24] And I think one of the biggest stigmas with suicidal attempts or ideation or even depression

[00:29:31] is that a lot of people think that it's for attention or talking about it is for attention.

[00:29:35] And no, we need to talk about this and not necessarily like normalize it in a bad way,

[00:29:42] but we need to be able to have a conversation about it with our peers.

[00:29:47] You know, like I had mentioned earlier, one of the biggest things I learned this year is

[00:29:51] that I need community.

[00:29:53] And by talking about what I'm going through and experiencing, you know, that helps my bond

[00:29:59] with other people, but it also helps me.

[00:30:02] You know, people are checking in with me.

[00:30:03] Like we need to normalize that this is something that some people feel.

[00:30:08] And so I think by sharing my story, I hope it will help others, you know, maybe not feel

[00:30:14] so shitty and so alone.

[00:30:16] I feel like I've heard that line before.

[00:30:19] A little less shitty, a little less alone.

[00:30:21] Yeah.

[00:30:21] Do you like your voice?

[00:30:22] No.

[00:30:23] God, it's so nasally, especially now that you made me cry.

[00:30:26] Oh yeah, I made you cry.

[00:30:27] So just so in a week from tomorrow when it comes out, even though you don't love your voice,

[00:30:32] you're going to listen to it.

[00:30:33] Or maybe sometime that week or after, at some point.

[00:30:36] I might not, but I probably will.

[00:30:39] You just said you were going to share it with people that will hear it that you might not

[00:30:42] know those people.

[00:30:43] I am.

[00:30:44] You know, my intention is to right now, I want to share it with the people in my life.

[00:30:49] And I probably will for the closest people, but I think I will share it.

[00:30:53] I have nothing to hide, you know, but I'm also like such a people pleaser that I know

[00:30:58] that some people will disagree with the way that I'm living life or, you know, some of the

[00:31:02] words that I say, like, fuck, you know, or whatever, you know, and then I have the whole

[00:31:07] religious aspect of like suicide is a sin and all this stuff.

[00:31:11] And, but at the same time, I am who I am.

[00:31:14] And if you're going to judge me for something I didn't ask for and that I'm battling every

[00:31:19] fucking day and you're not even going to take a minute to get to know the hell that

[00:31:23] I'm living in every day, like the whole like, oh, you're going to go to hell if you take

[00:31:27] your life, I think is bullshit.

[00:31:29] You know, like, and again, I'm spiritual, I'm religious, but God created me and I have

[00:31:35] that relationship with God and he knows exactly what's going through my head and exactly the

[00:31:41] pain that I'm in.

[00:31:42] So I don't believe that if I were to take my own life that I would go to hell.

[00:31:46] I feel like I would still go to heaven, but other people don't think that.

[00:31:50] So one of the hardest things though I've learned with needing community is especially in the

[00:31:55] religious community is like, once you open up about your, your, your mental health, it's,

[00:32:02] there's this stigma, especially amongst the older people, the older community and the religion

[00:32:07] community of like, we don't talk about that, you know, like, and so, Hey, let's put a bandaid

[00:32:12] on it.

[00:32:13] Let's put a distraction on it.

[00:32:14] So that's been something that's been really frustrating for me is like, Hey, I'm coming to

[00:32:18] you for help or need community or need a purpose or whatever.

[00:32:21] And then I get to that point where I feel comfortable enough to be like, Hey, I'm struggling in this

[00:32:25] way.

[00:32:25] And then it's like, Oh, hush, hush, hush.

[00:32:27] You know, I feel like the younger people, especially in my denomination are get it.

[00:32:32] Yeah.

[00:32:33] So that's been really hard.

[00:32:34] Well, you live in a fairly small area now.

[00:32:37] Yeah.

[00:32:37] Yeah.

[00:32:38] I wonder about with the things that you've gone through, whether job, certainly the, the,

[00:32:43] the X now X church, common people there.

[00:32:48] Are you constantly running across people or things that are activating some of this, these

[00:32:54] problems, this drug, this stuff, like you're not, you can't for better or worse, you just

[00:32:59] can't isolate away or you're not in a big city where you might be able to like you're in

[00:33:03] thing always.

[00:33:04] Yeah, absolutely.

[00:33:05] A hundred percent.

[00:33:05] I mean, just being home, I'm triggered every day.

[00:33:08] I hate that word triggered, but part of the reason why I'm telling people my story is

[00:33:12] like, because not, not to toot my own horn or anything, but like that, but it's like,

[00:33:17] Hey, this is what I'm going through.

[00:33:19] Like, there's a lot of triggers every day.

[00:33:20] I deal with anxiety.

[00:33:22] I mean, gosh, I could list willingly putting, willingly putting myself in a situation that

[00:33:29] is going to trigger my triggers, you know, but that's the only way to, to move forward.

[00:33:34] Is it?

[00:33:34] I think so.

[00:33:35] I mean, cause you're just, you're combating, you're learning to, I don't know.

[00:33:40] I mean, some triggers you have to walk away from and never, never talk to again, but,

[00:33:44] or do, you know, deal with again.

[00:33:46] But some things you just have to fight head on is what I'm trying to say in order to move

[00:33:50] forward.

[00:33:51] Otherwise they're always going to kind of hold you back.

[00:33:53] So it was a big step for me to move back home.

[00:33:56] Um, so I moved back home in October of this year and that was really freaking hard for me

[00:34:02] because my ex was my neighbor.

[00:34:04] So I get triggered driving home every day because I have to drive back.

[00:34:09] He ended up moving out.

[00:34:10] So he's no longer my neighbor, you know, it was triggering watching new people move in.

[00:34:14] It was triggering every time I opened my back door because I could see his house.

[00:34:19] It was triggering coming to my house with all the memories there, but this is my home.

[00:34:23] You know, this is my, my peace, my sanctuary here.

[00:34:27] I couldn't not ever come back home, you know?

[00:34:30] And so some things you have to, I don't know, take head on, but, but other things.

[00:34:34] Yeah.

[00:34:35] It's just like, all right.

[00:34:36] Do you have any new year's resolutions?

[00:34:38] Not in the traditional sense because this has been something I've been working on for

[00:34:42] years now, but I just want to get to a better place.

[00:34:45] Um, I want to continue to work where I worked previously, um, in the town that I worked

[00:34:50] previously because my most recent job was North.

[00:34:54] I'm going to go back South.

[00:34:55] Um, and I, I have a job lined up there and I have a house, uh, or an apartment lined up

[00:35:03] there in January or February.

[00:35:05] So I just, I want to get to a better place mentally.

[00:35:08] This was all selfish, but aren't resolutions selfish, right?

[00:35:11] I want to get to a healthier version of myself for myself, you know, and not for others.

[00:35:16] And I don't mean that in a, in a rude way, you know, but I just always give for others

[00:35:21] before myself.

[00:35:22] And this time I just, I want to, I want to look in the mirror and love myself because

[00:35:25] I don't.

[00:35:26] And, uh, and that's, it's been really hard working with my therapist, just with my issues

[00:35:30] to love myself.

[00:35:32] That sounds really cliche and stupid, but you know, that's part of the reason why this,

[00:35:36] this breakup has been so devastating for me is because it really just took a toll on my

[00:35:41] self-esteem, you know, and my self-worth.

[00:35:43] And I think I'm worthy of being here and worthy of being alive.

[00:35:47] Death star, life star, not a memoir title, but something.

[00:35:50] Now I like outlier.

[00:35:52] That's my memoir title.

[00:35:54] Oh, you've already come into this conversation knowing what your memoir title is.

[00:35:57] Well, we've, we've talked about this before outlier.

[00:36:02] Is there a subtitle or what are we doing?

[00:36:03] I mean, just given you're taking over the reins here.

[00:36:06] What else you got?

[00:36:08] Outlier surviving this fucked up life.

[00:36:10] No, I mean like straightforward.

[00:36:12] You know, another reason why I share, I'm so open about the things that I've experienced

[00:36:18] is like, I was a 24 year old widow and that's pretty uncommon, especially when, you know,

[00:36:24] I, my partner or my, my late husband wasn't in the military.

[00:36:28] So I was 24 when I was widowed.

[00:36:31] You know, I've, I've gone through a lot of things that maybe a young person hasn't necessarily

[00:36:37] experienced or isn't very common.

[00:36:39] And so like, you know, a lot of people will invalidate my pain sometimes because they don't

[00:36:47] think that I have the capability of feeling that.

[00:36:49] And I was like, I've been through hell and back.

[00:36:53] Like I, let me share my experience, you know?

[00:36:55] So I do this annoying thing where I just like share to relate, but it seems like I'm trying

[00:37:00] to like one up people, you know?

[00:37:02] But it's like, no, no, no, I'm sharing my experience to try and relate to you.

[00:37:07] You know?

[00:37:07] Yeah.

[00:37:08] I think that's why I'm so open about my life experiences.

[00:37:10] I'm not going to take these things to the grave without sharing the things that I've

[00:37:14] been through in hopes that it might help others.

[00:37:17] Yeah.

[00:37:18] Because I am in such an uncommon situation, you know, like a young widow and having had

[00:37:24] to do some of these difficult life things.

[00:37:26] That'd be a fascinating podcast.

[00:37:27] Just talking with young widows.

[00:37:29] Yeah.

[00:37:30] Yeah.

[00:37:31] We kind of fucked up, especially like, like thankfully.

[00:37:32] You know, we didn't have kids or a mortgage or anything, you know, but can't even imagine

[00:37:37] if it was any worse than that.

[00:37:40] What's funny though, is that all happened.

[00:37:42] Like, so I buried my husband and then a few months later buried my dad in the same year.

[00:37:46] And that was 10 years ago.

[00:37:48] That was a whole decade ago.

[00:37:49] So it's funny that 2024 would suck ass too.

[00:37:53] So right.

[00:37:54] Yep.

[00:37:55] How many people know that we are talking?

[00:37:57] Zero.

[00:37:58] Okay.

[00:37:59] Yeah.

[00:37:59] But that's not intentional.

[00:38:01] I just like, I think I'll share later.

[00:38:04] Yeah.

[00:38:05] When was the last time you seriously thought about ending your life?

[00:38:08] My last attempt.

[00:38:09] So the last few months have been a little bit.

[00:38:11] Yeah.

[00:38:11] Not as intense.

[00:38:13] It's definitely still there, but losing my job or getting fired from my job has actually

[00:38:19] helped my mental health a lot.

[00:38:20] Cause I'm at home, I'm resting.

[00:38:22] I'm taking care of myself.

[00:38:23] I'm focusing myself.

[00:38:24] May not look like it.

[00:38:25] Cause I, you know, go a few days without showering or, you know, whatever.

[00:38:29] I just sleep all the time, but I'm taking care of myself.

[00:38:31] How many people know about your August attempt?

[00:38:35] Maybe like 10 people.

[00:38:37] Oh, wow.

[00:38:37] Okay.

[00:38:38] You know, part of the reason in my, in my letter, I wrote a letter to advocate for me to adopt

[00:38:44] Erin, but I've, I was really open with my coworkers too, about not at that time, but now, you know,

[00:38:51] how, how much she means to me and how impactful she is.

[00:38:54] And I did share that experience, you know, that she saved my life.

[00:38:58] So maybe not specifically or getting into specifics, but I did share, I feel like a few coworkers at that time knew what was going on this year too.

[00:39:09] You know, going back to kind of the community thing, I was diagnosed with anorexia.

[00:39:12] And I think a lot of people associate that with like, I don't, I don't want to misspeak, but my, my, my anorexia is due to the depression and the anxiety.

[00:39:21] And that leads me to not eat.

[00:39:24] And so that's, that's what it was diagnosed as.

[00:39:26] So it's anorexia nervosa with severe comorbid, severe depression is what I was diagnosed as just recently.

[00:39:34] And I also deal with anxiety as well.

[00:39:36] You know, through that though, I had people checking in and making sure that I eat and, you know, reverting back to like being a child, but it really does help.

[00:39:44] You know, it's like take three more bites and then we'll leave, you know, and I've needed that.

[00:39:47] So I think people suspected, but never outwardly like said anything.

[00:39:52] So now I'm going on a tangent.

[00:39:53] Sorry.

[00:39:53] How many people do you have in your life where you could talk about wanting to end your life and you not feel unsafe or feel like you're getting a toss into some fucking wagon?

[00:40:02] Like fully?

[00:40:04] Yeah.

[00:40:04] Fully.

[00:40:05] Zero.

[00:40:06] Zero.

[00:40:06] Right.

[00:40:07] Yeah.

[00:40:08] Not fully, but almost there.

[00:40:10] How many?

[00:40:10] One.

[00:40:11] Yeah.

[00:40:12] My mom.

[00:40:13] Yeah.

[00:40:13] Yeah.

[00:40:14] It's a tough one, man.

[00:40:15] Cause my mom does the best that she can a hundred percent, but doesn't feel these emotions.

[00:40:22] Thank gosh, you know, like doesn't understand.

[00:40:25] And so can only help to the extent that she can, can help, you know, and I'm not saying she does a terrible job at all.

[00:40:33] She just, you know, it kind of takes someone who understands to be able to be there and, and help.

[00:40:38] So other than your dogs, what helps feel you feel a little better?

[00:40:43] Maybe family and friends.

[00:40:45] I don't know.

[00:40:46] I tend, I tend to go inward though.

[00:40:48] When, when I'm dealing with this.

[00:40:50] So TV shows distractions.

[00:40:52] Oh my God.

[00:40:53] If you haven't seen what we do in the shadows on Hulu, you have to, it's so great.

[00:40:58] One of the biggest pieces of advice I got when going through my heartbreak or my, my, my breakup was like, Oh, just try to distract yourself.

[00:41:07] And I was like, fuck that.

[00:41:08] You know, like that's just putting a bandaid on the issues.

[00:41:11] So I've really, I think one of the reasons why I feel all of this shit so intensely is because I go all in with everything that I do.

[00:41:19] And I understand the repercussions of that is like, you're going to feel the severe heartbreak.

[00:41:23] You're going to feel the severe emotions with it ending or whatever.

[00:41:27] But I'd rather do that than go half ass in life with that.

[00:41:31] Also knowing, you know, the pain that could come from that, you know, it's worth the risk.

[00:41:36] But yeah.

[00:41:37] So people were like, just distract yourself.

[00:41:39] And I was like, that's dumb.

[00:41:40] That's putting a bandaid over the issue.

[00:41:42] Let me like, and let me go deep into this and try and figure this shit out on my own, you know, and for the therapists.

[00:41:48] And so it's been a battle, been a battle.

[00:41:51] I'm tired.

[00:41:52] Right.

[00:41:53] Fuck.

[00:41:53] Yeah.

[00:41:53] How, when's your birthday?

[00:41:54] When are you 36?

[00:41:56] February.

[00:41:56] All right.

[00:41:57] So we got New Year's Eve coming up.

[00:41:59] We've got January, which is a little dark, kind of cold.

[00:42:03] Shitty.

[00:42:04] Cold.

[00:42:05] Rainy.

[00:42:05] Right, right, right.

[00:42:06] And then in February, you're 36.

[00:42:10] What are the odds that you will be alive for your birthday?

[00:42:13] I think I'll be alive.

[00:42:14] I think like things are now kind of headed in a better direction.

[00:42:19] All this shit I've been through in 2024, people are finally starting to answer for the shitty things that they've done.

[00:42:25] Not only to me, but like to others as well.

[00:42:28] And so my job that I left in June, that commissioner that defunded us just got recalled.

[00:42:35] And that's huge.

[00:42:36] That's huge.

[00:42:37] It's such a huge win for me and for the office and the community.

[00:42:40] I'm so happy about that because it's kind of a shit bag.

[00:42:44] Like, so I'm like, okay, you're answering for your shit that you, you know, like, thank gosh.

[00:42:50] And so I think 2025 is going to be, not that I'm like sitting here, like waiting on that karma, you know, like, no, I'm moving on.

[00:43:00] I'm trying to focus on myself.

[00:43:02] I know that people are going to have to answer for their actions, whatever.

[00:43:06] I don't care.

[00:43:07] I'm not, I'm not like dwelling on that.

[00:43:08] But it feels really good.

[00:43:10] Me voicing the injustice that they did in 2023 and 2024.

[00:43:15] I was one of the early ones to kind of say that in the community and not everybody saw that at that time.

[00:43:20] So it was really kind of like a lonely road to be on.

[00:43:24] And then I left all of that.

[00:43:26] And then this committee formed to recall him.

[00:43:28] The votes got in, you know, it was official.

[00:43:31] And then now the voters voted again to recall him.

[00:43:35] And it's just fucking amazing, you know, because it's like, okay, finally, you're answering to your bullshit.

[00:43:41] You know, so I think 2025, it's going to validate the things that I've experienced and others through that too.

[00:43:49] So I'm really optimistic about 2025.

[00:43:52] It's a good segue to the pink and purple pill.

[00:43:54] I always tell the audience, because they might be new listeners, what that pill is, but I'm not.

[00:44:00] If you want to know what it is, you'll figure it out by context or listen to another episode.

[00:44:04] Kayla, what would you do with the pink and purple pill if I gave it to you right now?

[00:44:08] Honestly, like I thought about this question as well.

[00:44:11] And I thought about the answer that everybody, the people pleasing answer is I wouldn't take it.

[00:44:17] But the answer that I, that's the truth is I would take it and save it.

[00:44:23] That's the truth.

[00:44:24] I know people don't want to hear that.

[00:44:26] Everything about this podcast exists around the idea of what people fucking want to hear.

[00:44:31] Yeah.

[00:44:31] No, that's, that's the struggle I'm going through is people pleasing.

[00:44:34] And it's like, no, people just need to love me for who I am.

[00:44:37] Even if I'm kind of fucked up.

[00:44:38] What flavor would that pill be?

[00:44:40] Should you choose to take it?

[00:44:42] Strawberry or something like something good.

[00:44:45] Cause that's probably like the last real flavor you're going to taste.

[00:44:48] Oh my God.

[00:44:49] If that's that, like, like beef stroganoff.

[00:44:52] Right.

[00:44:52] You could do like beef stroganoff.

[00:44:54] Bean burrito.

[00:44:54] No, right.

[00:44:55] No, Taco Bell bean burrito flavor.

[00:44:58] That's what my flavor would be.

[00:45:00] Like, that's one of the things that I've like, I think honestly, I think I have to thank my

[00:45:05] dogs and my, my community and my people.

[00:45:08] But I also have Taco Bell to thank for being alive this year because I've ingested probably

[00:45:14] a lifetime's worth of Taco Bell in this past like six months.

[00:45:18] And it has kept me alive.

[00:45:20] You know, like one of the things with my, my anorexia anyway, is like, I just get hyper

[00:45:25] focused on what I call a safe food, which probably isn't the right definition, but that's how I

[00:45:30] use it is like things I can eat and not, not have to think about.

[00:45:34] And that aren't, you know, that I won't gag or whatever.

[00:45:36] When I eat it, Taco Bell burritos, you know, you get the nacho cheese sauce, you dip the

[00:45:41] burritos in there and like, Hmm.

[00:45:43] Yep.

[00:45:44] I could eat those all day, every day.

[00:45:46] You are an expert at that.

[00:45:47] All right.

[00:45:47] A couple more questions.

[00:45:48] And then I want you to look at your notes if you want to add stuff.

[00:45:51] Cause I, you know, I want you to be the other, the other two questions are what are any myths

[00:45:54] you want to dispel?

[00:45:55] Not a lot.

[00:45:56] Just give me one or two big ones.

[00:45:57] The biggies.

[00:45:58] You know, I thought about this question too, and I just keep leading back to what everybody

[00:46:03] says.

[00:46:04] And that is suicide is not selfish.

[00:46:07] Every time I've gotten to that point, it's always been like, you know, you get to a certain

[00:46:12] point, at least in my experience that you convince yourself you're doing what's best for

[00:46:17] everybody by not being here anymore.

[00:46:19] You know?

[00:46:20] So I got to a point in, in, in previous attempts where I was like, I'm just wasting space on

[00:46:26] this planet.

[00:46:27] You know, like I'm wasting air where some, somebody else can do that.

[00:46:31] But in my most recent attempt, it was like, it was like, I am doing what's best for everybody

[00:46:36] in my life because all I'm doing is, is hurting and in pain.

[00:46:40] And, and to go as far as like making it so that family, you know, members don't have to

[00:46:45] find my body or, or whatever.

[00:46:47] Like suicide is not selfish.

[00:46:49] I think the people who say that have never felt suicidal or depressed enough and, and

[00:46:54] can't sympathize with that.

[00:46:56] Like I understand why people say that, but you know, I was listening to one of your most

[00:47:01] recent episodes, um, in, in Ohio, I think.

[00:47:05] Iowa.

[00:47:05] Iowa.

[00:47:06] Yes.

[00:47:06] Em in Iowa.

[00:47:07] And one of the things I love that she said was like, is that people give such a selfish

[00:47:12] response to that.

[00:47:13] Like, Oh, how could you do this to me?

[00:47:15] You know?

[00:47:16] And it's like, what about me?

[00:47:18] They meet selfishness with selfishness.

[00:47:20] I don't know that I'm kind of going on a tangent right now, but death with dignity, you

[00:47:24] know?

[00:47:25] Like if you want to, if you don't want to be here.

[00:47:27] Oh, to answer your question to another myth is like this, the stigma that talking about suicide

[00:47:32] or mental health leads to suicide attempts or, or to, you know, suicidal thoughts.

[00:47:37] I can see where people might think that if you're surrounded by people who have a like

[00:47:43] minded, you know, idea of, Hey, I don't want to be here anymore.

[00:47:46] And you're kind of in that toxic environment or whatever.

[00:47:49] But on the flip side, talking about it has saved my life.

[00:47:52] You know, like, especially this year, again, reverting back to like the community sense.

[00:47:57] Like if I didn't have an outlet to be able to talk about this, I would not be here at

[00:48:02] all.

[00:48:02] If I didn't have the option to pick up the phone and call my mom, she hadn't picked up.

[00:48:06] I wouldn't be here today.

[00:48:08] You know?

[00:48:08] So like talking about it doesn't, it helps.

[00:48:11] Oh, I think one of the other things too, is like at the point around my suicide attempt

[00:48:16] this year, like I was doing everything right by the standards of what everybody says, you

[00:48:22] know, it's like exercise, go on a daily walk, sit in the sunshine, go to therapy, eat well.

[00:48:28] Like at that time, I don't think I was eating as well, but that's because of another issue.

[00:48:32] But like, you know, doing the things you're supposed to do and it still wasn't working for

[00:48:37] me.

[00:48:37] It's so ignorant when people don't take the time to just sit there and listen to somebody

[00:48:42] and then instead just offer their advice.

[00:48:44] Well, why don't you go on a juice cleanse or do this or do that?

[00:48:47] And it's like, why don't you shut the fuck up and just listen to what I have to say?

[00:48:50] Yeah.

[00:48:50] Shut the fuck up and listen to me.

[00:48:51] That's like the best advice for anybody, especially if they're not a, if they're not

[00:48:56] church and they don't like the F-bomb, that might be hard.

[00:48:58] But like anybody's like, I don't know how to relate.

[00:49:01] I don't know how to listen well.

[00:49:02] I'm like, it's almost all just shutting the fuck up.

[00:49:04] Yeah.

[00:49:04] It's not that complicated.

[00:49:06] And don't invalidate and don't offer your shitty advice because most of the time people

[00:49:10] have done it.

[00:49:11] They've gone on the walks.

[00:49:12] They've done the exercise.

[00:49:13] They've eaten well.

[00:49:14] They went on the juice cleanse.

[00:49:15] They go to therapy and it still hasn't helped because there's something in here, you know?

[00:49:19] Yeah.

[00:49:20] And also the person who won't shut the fuck up, they've heard the exact same advice before.

[00:49:24] You're not that smart.

[00:49:26] Yeah.

[00:49:26] Yeah.

[00:49:27] You're not that intelligent.

[00:49:28] You're not that clever.

[00:49:29] You're not.

[00:49:29] It's not.

[00:49:30] Yeah.

[00:49:30] You're hurting people.

[00:49:31] Stop hurting people with your dumb words.

[00:49:34] You know what the coolest thing about these things?

[00:49:36] Like, oh, I just don't know what to say.

[00:49:38] You know what the coolest thing you can do?

[00:49:39] And now I'm getting a little snarky.

[00:49:41] It's like, you can actually ask the person who you're talking to.

[00:49:44] Like, how can I help?

[00:49:45] Just listen.

[00:49:46] Just listen.

[00:49:47] Yeah.

[00:49:47] Or-

[00:49:48] My mom has gotten so much better about that.

[00:49:50] Like, she'll ask me, well, what do you need right now?

[00:49:52] I need a hug.

[00:49:54] I need some food.

[00:49:56] You know, I need someone to listen.

[00:49:58] You know, like, yeah.

[00:49:59] Not that I do it so well in my own life.

[00:50:01] And sometimes I'm not a great listener on this podcast.

[00:50:03] Awareness.

[00:50:04] I know it's true, but you know, we try.

[00:50:06] When you think about who might hear this podcast, we don't know how long it'll be around,

[00:50:10] but probably many years, unless you want me to take it down.

[00:50:12] There are people out there who might hear it.

[00:50:15] Most probably won't stumble across it, but you never know.

[00:50:17] There might be people who you share it with actively.

[00:50:20] And that includes you hearing it.

[00:50:22] You know, whoever this can help in any way, whether you take one thing away from this,

[00:50:27] or you identify completely, just hearing that somebody else is going through maybe similar

[00:50:33] experiences and not feeling so alone in the things that you're going through.

[00:50:39] So whatever anybody takes from this, hopefully it's not judgment.

[00:50:43] Hopefully the biggest thing that anybody can take from anybody experiencing any kind of

[00:50:48] mental health distress or what they're going through is like, please just sit and listen

[00:50:53] and don't be judgmental and try and understand what people are going through and try and consider,

[00:51:01] you know, like even if they're a young person, maybe they've gone through experiences that have led to,

[00:51:07] you know, trauma that have led to this, you know, or whatever.

[00:51:11] Just and really just shut the fuck up, you know?

[00:51:15] And like, even if it goes against your religion or your morals, if suicide is such a sin,

[00:51:21] something against your beliefs, like please just listen.

[00:51:24] Because if you don't, you might be one of the reasons why someone takes their lives is because they,

[00:51:30] you know, don't feel like they can talk to somebody about it or can be open or be themselves about it.

[00:51:36] So I think that's just the biggest lesson.

[00:51:38] And I do think that if you can't handle the F word, if you go to church or not, like put on your

[00:51:44] fucking grownup outfit and deal.

[00:51:47] Thank you.

[00:51:48] Fuck.

[00:51:48] You certainly can't handle the conversation around suicide.

[00:51:51] Yeah.

[00:51:52] Yeah, exactly.

[00:51:52] Exactly.

[00:51:53] It's a good like litmus test.

[00:51:55] Now that I'm thinking about it, the people that I really want to reach out to are the people

[00:51:59] who have kind of left my life because I've been open about my struggles and the things that I've

[00:52:07] gone through, you know, some people have left for whatever reason they need to, you know,

[00:52:12] it's uncomfortable to talk about, or they are tired of hearing about it.

[00:52:17] Some have left because of circumstances, whatever, but it's not that difficult to support somebody

[00:52:22] who's going through something.

[00:52:24] And at some point in your lives, you're probably going to go through something as well.

[00:52:29] So don't be a shitty friend.

[00:52:31] I don't know.

[00:52:32] I think to sum up 2024, like I realized that the path that I'm on right now that I feel

[00:52:39] like I'm meant to do or God has chosen for me, like is to advocate, advocate for others.

[00:52:48] That's what gets me going, you know, is like just standing up for others.

[00:52:52] So I'm trying to find a career that allows me to do that.

[00:52:55] But it's a really lonely road to be vocal against the majority, you know, and I think that's

[00:53:03] why a lot of people have left my life for whatever reason is because they don't see it or agree

[00:53:09] with it or whatever.

[00:53:10] You know, I've also learned this year too, is like in order to have empathy for others,

[00:53:15] you have to kind of go through those experiences and be able to sympathize.

[00:53:19] And so like, I'm trying to use my experiences and my pain to be a better person for myself,

[00:53:25] but for others in the community as well.

[00:53:28] Cool.

[00:53:28] We good?

[00:53:29] Yeah.

[00:53:30] Thank you.

[00:53:31] All right.

[00:53:31] I hope you're a fucking person.

[00:53:33] Misses decent.

[00:53:34] Blah, blah, blah.

[00:53:35] Thank you.

[00:53:36] Same to you.

[00:53:37] All right.

[00:53:38] I'll talk to you soon.

[00:53:38] Thanks, Kayla.

[00:53:39] Seriously.

[00:53:40] Have a weekend.

[00:53:41] You too.

[00:53:41] Bye.

[00:53:45] As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support.

[00:53:48] Special thanks to Kayla in Oregon.

[00:53:50] Thanks, Kayla.

[00:53:51] If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:53:54] Hello at suicidenoted.com on Facebook or X at Suicide Noted.

[00:53:58] You can check the show notes to learn all kinds of cool shit about this podcast, including

[00:54:03] our membership and Noted Network.

[00:54:05] And I do hope your 2024 hasn't been totally sucky.

[00:54:09] Whether it has or it has not, I hope you keep listening to this podcast in 2025.

[00:54:16] I appreciate it.

[00:54:17] And that is all for episode number 245.

[00:54:20] Stay strong.

[00:54:22] Do the best you can.

[00:54:23] I'll talk to you soon.