Helen in Michigan

[00:00:00] It was a beautiful scenery and like, honestly, I wish I could go back. It was so nice. And the feeling of freedom, like I have the power to control my life at that moment. I don't know. It was just really invigorating.

[00:00:13] You never feel more alive before you you're about to die. Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast, I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories.

[00:00:47] Every year around the world, millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it. We certainly don't talk about it enough. And when we do talk about it, many of us, including me, are not very good at it.

[00:00:58] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors. Why? Well, one of the main reasons is to help more people in more places feel a little less shitty and a little less alone.

[00:01:13] And I hope we've been doing that. We are certainly trying now. If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Hello at Suicide Noted dot com on Facebook or Twitter at Suicide Noted. And if you're curious, you can check the show notes

[00:01:28] and learn more about the podcast, including our membership. And if you'd like to take a moment and help us out, rate and review Suicide Noted on Apple, and I believe you can do it on Spotify.

[00:01:38] It helps people find the podcast when they're searching for things to listen to. And who knows? Maybe they need to hear something like this. Finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast. We do not hold back.

[00:01:49] So take that into account before you listen or as you listen. But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn. Today I am talking with Helen. Helen lives in Michigan and she is a suicide attempt survivor. Helen, what's up? Not much.

[00:02:08] How are you? Yeah. You know. Yeah. Here we are. Here we are. Morning, late morning. Not my favorite, but I made you an exception for you. Now you're good. You're good. Helen in Wisconsin, right? Actually, Michigan. Michigan. There's no difference to me. It's a terrible thing to say.

[00:02:29] They're both honestly. Right. Lake Michigan in between the both. And, you know, it's the same. Let's be honest. It's exactly the same. All right. And what's behind you? What is that? There is a propagation for plants, a couple of hanging plants and a piano. Oh, my dog.

[00:02:49] And your dog knows that you're talking about this today with me? Yeah. He knows everything. How does he feel about it? Very sleepy, as you can see. Yeah. Do you think that when we suffer and we're in pain, our animals can sense it? I'm not sure.

[00:03:05] I think so. I don't know. Like, I think it depends on the animal. Yeah. Like a dog or a dolphin can. I think like termite, which wouldn't be a pet, can't. Yeah. I have a snail as a pet and I don't think it can. Right. Perfect.

[00:03:22] It might not be the first person I've talked to for the podcast was a snail as a pet, but you probably are. All right. Helen in Michigan. It's got a nice ring to it. I get very excited about names and places. I don't know why. I like Michigan.

[00:03:35] I've been here my whole life. Well, not really. I mean, I moved to boarding school and I went to camp, California. And so boarding school and camp you are in your family are doing OK. Yeah. Yeah. Good. Well, do you have any questions for me, actually?

[00:03:51] Which I must never start the conversations with that. But, you know, I actually do. I was thinking about this and I'm just curious, how many times do people reach out and then when you respond, they never respond back?

[00:04:04] And do you think it's because they actually went through with it? Oh, yeah. I have no idea. I would say this is a good opportunity to let people know anybody can join me on this podcast who, you know, I'll answer the question.

[00:04:16] But a lot of people send me like long, long, long things as if it's almost like they've got to convince me or like persuade me. Right. Like, am I worthy of being on? Like, it doesn't work that way. It's just an attempt survivor. You're in. Can you speak?

[00:04:28] You got to be able to speak because it's a podcast and we're doing in English. But other than that, I'd say half the people at least don't respond, don't respond back or maybe like they will. But then eventually they disappear.

[00:04:40] I would have to. I think most are still alive. Yeah, because that's a lot and they probably chicken out or. Yeah, I think there's myriad reasons why people just for one reason or another don't go through with it.

[00:04:52] At the end of last year, I went through all of the people who I never got to talk to and reached out to them again and said, hey, by the way. And a couple more came on and talked. And yeah, but let's be honest.

[00:05:02] I mean, you know, are there a few that ended their lives? I mean, there's a pretty good chance of that. Sure. I even think that of my guests, like some of them might have probably not

[00:05:10] most because it's still a rare thing to do all things zooming out. Right. So what are we talking about? Oh, a testy topic. Yeah. But hey, it happens, you know, they could have it's up. It happens a lot. Yeah.

[00:05:26] So how many times have you tried to end your life? That's a good opener for like, hey, how you doing? What's your name? Oh, Helen. Right. How many times have you tried to end your life? Well, actually, I mean, speaking to earlier about how people

[00:05:39] send you long messages saying, do I really count? I I did that because I'm not sure if it really counts. I stopped at myself and I only once. Only once. Right. So far. Right. Only once. Only once did I actually get really close.

[00:05:54] But I have written six notes. So there is that before and after. Yeah, before and after the one time I got close. Yes. How old are you? Twenty six. When a 26 year old writes a suicide note, it should be better if you were 16.

[00:06:09] But do they write it on a padded paper? Do they write it on their computer? Do they write on their phone? A little bit. I've mostly done paper like a journal, and then I plan to leave it where people will find it.

[00:06:23] Or I have a couple of journals that I do, and I've left at least like five out of the six. And then the last one was on my phone. So now it's now it's out there. Yeah.

[00:06:36] I mean, I don't know how all that works, but it's not just a piece of paper. Do you have all of them somewhere? I lost one of the journals. I think I know where it is, but I haven't gone looking for it. Right.

[00:06:47] Yeah. I'm trying to think if I've done I've done stuff like that, too. Ironically, on my computer. Do you think this podcast would be better if it was more like satire? We were just joking. Yeah, I don't either. It's just people talking.

[00:07:00] So why do you want to talk about it to me, no less? Honestly, I feel a little like lonely. The oh, I like your mug. What you can read it for people. I am a ray of fucking sunshine. Right. It's perfect, right? I get distracted easily. Sorry.

[00:07:18] And yeah, no, me too. And that's the that's why I do a lot of editing. Good. Afterward. But yeah, so I really have an amazing support group. Like my family is great. I have a wonderful husband and I have a therapist and everything.

[00:07:32] But I just feel like sometimes I can't talk about it with them because they'll either react scared or they'll just say stuff that I already know. And I don't feel like talking about it or listening.

[00:07:43] I just kind of want to say it to the world and not have anybody say anything back. Or I know I listened and you don't really push back on things or say weird or obligatory called a suicide hotline. You'll be fine.

[00:07:57] You know, so I feel like that's a lot more comfortable talking to someone like that. I feel like it's a stranger on the train kind of. Yeah, I do think I say some weird shit, but you won't hear it. So I'll just edit it out.

[00:08:12] But I get what you're saying. So how do you stumble upon it? So I am a very avid podcast listener. I actually looked this up because you have these questions that you sent me. And I was like, oh, I should look into this. I have what is it?

[00:08:26] Sixty six podcasts that I listen to on Spotify. Of course, some of them were like series that ended. So 43 of them are current. So I I listen to 43 podcasts. But I'm not laughing at the number of podcasts.

[00:08:43] I'm laughing at the number that you wanted to make sure the world knew the number. Now I'm getting I'm having a little podcast envy. I want to make sure I'm in your top ten. So you I only caught in like a month, a couple of months ago.

[00:08:58] So not the top ten yet. I definitely have listened to your past recordings like quite a bit. Sure. Right. You are listening to a lot of things most of the day. Yes. And your ears are fill in the blank ringing.

[00:09:14] Right. There's any number of ways that could have gone. Right. OK, but that's not quite entirely answering the question. So a couple of months ago, I was feeling really down and I was looking for not really a community, but like camaraderie, I think.

[00:09:30] And I was just searching like I searched on Facebook and YouTube and stuff like that. And then I was like, you know, I listened to all these podcasts. Why don't I just search keyword suicide in a podcast? And so I did.

[00:09:42] And yours is the first one that came up. And I was like, this looks really interesting. My first one that came up. Yeah. All right. Well, I appreciate you reaching out. Yeah, I appreciate you being there to reach out to. I mean, it's a nice feeling.

[00:09:56] You sure you want to talk about suicide? Yeah, I think so. OK, just check in. Twenty six. Michigan. Remember the first time that thought crossed your mind? So I was actually trying to think about that. And I can't remember the first time.

[00:10:13] I remember the first time I wanted to hurt myself, but that wasn't because I wanted to hurt myself. That was because I had just come home from church and they were like, you have your conscience in your mind and it's supposed to.

[00:10:26] It's the Holy Spirit talking to you. And I was like, I don't relate to that. So I went and stood in front of the ravine and I was like, I'm going to throw myself down this ravine.

[00:10:35] And there should be a Holy Spirit in my head that tells me not to. And nothing told me not to. Are you really going to do it? No, I just wanted to have that experience of the Holy Spirit or my conscience telling me not to.

[00:10:49] I wanted that little voice in my head that was supposed to save me. Yeah, wasn't there. And I was like, there must be something wrong with me. Would you be Catholic? No. SDA, Seventh-day Adventist. I don't know if you know about them.

[00:11:02] So Seventh-day Adventists are more like they're not Jewish, but they they worship on Sabbath on Saturday. Yeah. And they believe in, you know, the great, great disappointment in 1844. My whole life is a great disappointment. Oh, my God. Yes. 18, it's 2023. What are you talking about?

[00:11:21] No, there was a whole movement in 1844 where God was supposed to show up and then he didn't. And then the SDAs were like, oh, but actually he did. And then now we have this cult. OK, now you have a religion. Yeah. Cool.

[00:11:34] I'm going to guess that that does have some role. Actually, you've already started to say it. So it's not that shocking in all this, all this stuff. Church just always seems to find a way. If you think about it, churches like religion is the opiate of the masses.

[00:11:48] And there are always going to be people on the fringe that it hurts more than it helps. Yeah. I do think religion does help people. I think it does make people feel better about themselves and give them a purpose or whatever.

[00:12:00] But there are always going to be the odd ones out where it hurts more than it helps. And I don't know if it's worth it. Is that where you met your husband? Yes, actually at our religious school at high school.

[00:12:11] So I met him in high school and he was the table I could sit with at lunch that didn't pressure me to talk. So that was nice. Oh, how ironic that we are talking on a podcast. Right. Weird. Was it love at first sight?

[00:12:24] No, actually, he was really awkward and I was really quiet. It was more like we were good friends and we were close. And then after high school, actually, after I graduated, we started dating. So that was the boarding school. So I only went to boarding school one year.

[00:12:40] That was sophomore year, 11th grade. Didn't work. Came back. Yeah. Where was that? In Canada, actually, British Columbia. Tiny. It was so beautiful there on the Fraser River. It's a tiny little town in Lillooet. It's a very, very religious school. They specialize in music.

[00:12:59] So they're constantly touring, doing like missionary tours all over America and Canada. Christian music. OK, where's your husband now? Is he he's sleeping? He works nights. That's what I wanted to do in the morning. Yeah, I got it. OK, is he less awkward these days or similarly awkward?

[00:13:17] A little less awkward. Still awkward, though. I love it. Yeah, right. That's that's one of the things you like. Yeah. Not super non awkward is super boring. Very. Yeah. Right. Like you're so normal. Fuck off. It's like, what am I supposed to do with you? Yeah. Right.

[00:13:32] If you're predictable, blah, blah, blah. Did you know that? You know the term Karen? Yes. The Terry is the male version. Terry. Huh? OK. I mean, I just I know a couple of Terry's. I don't know if it seems to fit. Yeah, I think it does.

[00:13:47] Sucks if your name is Karen or Terry. But hey, what are you going to do? Hey, my aunt's name is Karen. And I think one of the things like a new name entirely is make up a name. That's a good point.

[00:13:58] Although, you know, somebody is going to be named that. Yeah. There are how many millions of people? Somebody has got to be named. Millions. Yeah. Billions. Yeah. Almost any sound coming out of your mouth is someone's name. Yeah. What's your dog's name? This one's Nuki. That one's Atlas.

[00:14:13] OK. Nuki and Atlas. Right. OK. Midsize, small size. They're probably friends. That's cool. Yeah. You challenged the church, the ideas yourself at the ravine. And that was when you were how old? I don't remember. It was very young.

[00:14:28] I don't have really good memories of when I was super young, but I do know probably if I had to put an age ten. And then the first time I remember actually thinking about suicide and not just hurting myself is at the boarding school in Fountainview.

[00:14:43] It's Fountainview Academy. Sixteen, seventeen. Sixteen, probably because I was a sophomore. OK. There's a huge canyon and a river down underneath the Fraser River, and there were like cliffs that you could whatever and tons of people died in that river

[00:14:59] because there are like swells and whatever, like you're not supposed to swim in that river. So I was like, I'm going to jump. Either I die on the rocks or I go on the river and I don't. And I drowned.

[00:15:09] And so I remember sitting on like not standing, but sitting in the wind in my face like it was a beautiful scenery. And like, honestly, I wish I could go back. It was so nice. And the feeling of freedom, like I have the power

[00:15:23] to control my life at that moment. I don't know. It was just really invigorating. You never feel more alive before you're about to die. You believe that? I think so. Well, but you didn't die. I didn't. Was that the only time you sat on the rocks like that?

[00:15:39] No, I constantly would go back that whole year. And that was in the idea wasn't just the beauty or it was intertwined with beauty and dying. The feeling that I could if I if I really wanted to, if I had to, I could.

[00:15:53] But you wouldn't like tell people, hey, I'm going down to the rock. No. Right. You just go. Yeah. Do you think there were people that if someone told them, hey, Helen went down to the rocks, I don't think she's doing too well.

[00:16:04] They'd be like, yeah, I'm not surprised to hear that. Honestly, I don't know, because I hit it pretty well. Part of the growing up in Seventh-Day Adventist is you always have to pretend that everything's fine so that you can minister to other people

[00:16:17] so that they see how happy you are and think, oh, I want that. You at a very young age learn how to mask and put on a face, go through the motions. And so especially in a place where I was not comfortable,

[00:16:32] I immediately like just went through the motions and did not tell anybody how I was feeling or because I wasn't comfortable enough. This is a hard question. Some of the questions aren't so hard. This is a hard one.

[00:16:44] Why did you go to the cliffs and want to die? I was lonely. I was questioning my religion. It was really difficult because I was I grew up and I really wanted to believe and everything in the world was saying

[00:16:59] that's not true and everything in my life was saying it's not true. But I really wanted to believe and I just wanted to give up trying. It was. Yeah. Yeah. And your family's beliefs. Yeah, I have four pastors in my immediate family.

[00:17:16] Wow. And yeah, I think four, maybe three. So when you are questioning it and you're maybe going to leave it, you're not just leaving an ideology. Yeah. Your question might have impact other relationships. Yeah, I don't know for sure because they're very like my family's

[00:17:33] like will gloss over a lot of things and just pretend everything's fine. Going back to that, like put on a mask and just pretend everything's fine. They'll just they'll interact with you. They won't be close with you, but they'll, you know,

[00:17:46] make small talk and be nice and whatever. And that's the most you're going to get anyway, even if you were in their cult. Oh, and this C word comes out. OK. Are those people who are in that said cult going to hear this?

[00:18:02] Probably not. I wouldn't think so. Right. You're not going to be advertising it to the world or even your local local group of human beings that you hang with. I don't know. I don't think so.

[00:18:13] I don't really have that big of a local group other than just my close family, siblings and whatever. I have a big family. But yeah. You can have the video. You can cut it up and tick tock all day long. You had about whatever you could get famous.

[00:18:27] A lot of that. I was smart. I would do that. I just suck at advertising marketing. All right. So you don't do it. That's always the most clear and obvious thing I can say to people on this podcast is that they didn't do it.

[00:18:39] Well, you know, it didn't succeed. I should say not that they didn't try. But in your case, you didn't actually hop over the ledge. No, I didn't even try. I just wanted to be close. And that was when you were about that was about 10 years ago.

[00:18:51] And how many times since then, if such a number is knowable, have you come similarly close? Similarly close? Probably only twice recently. Yes. So 2021, I think, is when I got really, really close. And then actually the reason I asked you the question earlier is because

[00:19:09] I almost tried after I reached out to you. Loaded question. Yeah. I see. I see. Wow. I'm going to share something with you. So weird that I'm talking to you the day after I talked to somebody in B.C. of all. And interestingly, it's a coincidence.

[00:19:25] But yeah, so you're saying that you reached out to me and you were dangerously close after some time after that. This guy reaches out to me in May. And I don't know why. I don't think this has ever happened. I don't get the email or I didn't.

[00:19:40] I just glossed over it. I didn't see it. And I was going through old emails and I happened to see it. I was like, shit. And I clicked on it. It was like May. Now this was like December. I'm like, I am so fucking sorry.

[00:19:55] You know, I just not only I just ignored you. And I learned during our conversation that that email was sent when he was scouting out a bridge. Wow. And I'm like, fuck, man. Because, you know, he's a grown up. He's fine. He is chill.

[00:20:11] But I was just like, man. And not even the guy who runs the damn podcast reaches out to me and gives a shit. Nobody cares, you know, because you can imagine someone thinking the straw that breaks the back. Yeah.

[00:20:22] I didn't break your back, though, because I got back to you. Yeah. And you have a strong back. It's tired. Yeah. Disappointing. Wait, I want to go back to that because that's such a memoir title. Oh, yeah. The Great Disappointment.

[00:20:35] I usually if you listen to the podcast, say others like I'll say, oh, Helen, you know, your memoir title could be X, Y or Z. That's mine. The Great Disappointment. Yes. I'm sorry, church, for stealing it. What I love about it is great can be like, hey, great.

[00:20:54] Or it could be not big and disappointment could be inwards or outward. It's the perfect title. Those those those Christians are smart. Christian Jews, Jewish Christians. They don't believe anything else with the Jews, but the Saturday, that's what they got. That's not going to.

[00:21:10] That's enough. Not making them. That's enough. Yeah, that's not going to make them Jewish. Unfortunately, you don't pass the Jewish test. No. So what was different about 2021? Because eight years go by and a couple of years since. Yeah. Eight years of struggling.

[00:21:24] I had gone to college and did that didn't work. And I had gone through I don't know how many therapists. I think five total. So four at that time and none of them really worked. What am I hearing in the background? It's my it's my rooster.

[00:21:40] I put him outside, but he's still crying. Oh, that begs the question. Normally he lives inside. Right. OK, so. So I have two roosters. I love that I can hear the rooster. I hope the listeners can. It's great. Oh, God.

[00:21:54] No, no. This is not like Joe Rogan here. You can hear we can have sounds and shit. I have two roosters. One of them has a flock and the other one they would fight. So I have them inside.

[00:22:03] Well, what percentage of people who have roosters keep them inside? Whatever the reasons are. Honestly, I'm not sure. I got this guy from a rescue who has house ruse and they have like a lot of people who foster in their houses and stuff.

[00:22:19] So it's like a growing movement, I would think. But I don't know. More and more. Just so you know, everyone out there, wherever you are, whether you're into husbandry, what is the thing with animals? Is that yeah. Husbandry. Husbandry, which is a great word.

[00:22:34] If you try to domesticate a rooster in that way in your home, it's called a house rule. Apparently, I just learned that just listening as best I can. I learned that. Hey, they're they're better than cockatoos or other things because they're more suited for house life, actually.

[00:22:51] What do you think they're roosting about? Roaring, roosting? Why does the why does the rooster roost? Roost or crow? What's. Well, what's roosting? Birth? Having sex? No. Roosting is where they jump up onto a onto a like a roosting bar and go to sleep.

[00:23:07] Now, why do they crack cackle? It's either he wants something or he's really, really happy and proud of himself. How is that different than humans? It isn't. Right. They're all. Yeah. A rooster. What's a rooster's name? Stewart. Stew for short. Do you think he knows his name?

[00:23:24] I don't think so. He actually was named Sancho before and I changed his name to Stewart. Then showed his Stewart. It's awesome. Yeah. And he might care after a couple of years or so, and he'll learn his name. But he doesn't know it yet.

[00:23:38] I've only had him a couple of months. OK, let's go back to 2021. So you tried the therapist. Yeah. Tried the therapist. I was just feeling really defeated. And I just decided that's it. I'm tired of it. Yeah. So I actually it's really complicated.

[00:23:53] I went and I bought a sewage hose for trailer homes. Oh, trailers. Sure. So they have outdoor sewage pipes and they're big and thick. And I figured that would work for putting in the exhaust because a regular hose is tiny and you don't get enough exhaust

[00:24:11] fumes to go into your car. So I figured this one, OK, all of them. And I got that and duct tape and I went to my favorite beach because, you know, I live on Lake Michigan and I hooked it all up

[00:24:22] and I wrote my note and I was about to pop all the I have coding left over from when I was sick and I was going to take all that and fall asleep. And I just didn't.

[00:24:33] I wrote the note and I just sat there for I don't know how long it felt like hours, but I'm sure it was just, you know, a couple of minutes or so. And I decided, you know what?

[00:24:42] No. And I took it all down, put it away and I went home. Did you tell anybody? No. And you haven't come that close since. So I went back to the place with all the stuff again.

[00:24:53] I went and bought more stuff, but I had my dogs with me. I was just going to scout it out and be like, you know what? I'm going to do this like tomorrow or whatever. I'm not going to do it with my dogs in the car.

[00:25:04] Yeah. So I think that saved me because I might have done it at that moment again. But I just didn't go back after I came home and dropped them off. And that was when you reached out.

[00:25:14] Yeah. So that was actually maybe a couple of days after I reached out. So that's recently. Yeah, very. So you're you're how can we frame this? You are in a danger zone as we speak. Yeah, probably. So, yeah, I have you know, I'm not as defeated now.

[00:25:33] I don't know why I am so down, but I have a good therapist this time. And I've talked about it with my husband and whatever. And he's really supportive. But I still feel really shitty. Can you work? So, yes, I was working. And that's another really nice thing.

[00:25:50] I have an amazing job where I can just call off sick and they're totally fine with it. It's like a farm job. So they don't work during the winter. So I have off until February. Oh, cool. So right now I'm not working. Right. That sounds interesting.

[00:26:06] It's really fun. And that's how I can listen to all the podcasts, because, you know, during the day, it's just you and the plants and that's it. Yeah. Did your therapist. You have a therapist now, right?

[00:26:17] Yes. So I got her maybe several months after I reached out to her a couple of months after and then it took like three or four more months before I I messaged back after she messaged me. But I found her after I tried the first time.

[00:26:32] OK. Is there a diagnosis you perceive you think is accurate? So I went to my doctor because she's a therapist, not a psychiatrist. So she can't actually diagnose. But I went to my doctor, major depression and anxiety. And then he also has me on bipolar pills,

[00:26:47] which I don't know that I agree with, but I don't know. Maybe I do. Hmm. I think they overprescribe by overdiagnosed bipolar to a lot of people. Yeah. Like you show up with these symptoms and they're like, oh, bipolar. Which can be a major problem, right?

[00:27:03] I mean, it shouldn't be a medication that's the wrong medication. It could be bad. Yeah. So I actually did mention that to him and like that. I don't know that I actually am bipolar. And he was like, that's OK. This also boosts the antidepressant.

[00:27:18] So even if you're not on it for bipolar, it also like an off label reason to take it is that it helps the antidepressant that I'm on. He's a great doctor. I am super lucky. Well, how do you have been trained to present as fine?

[00:27:36] Yeah, true. Are you doing that right now? I don't think so, because honestly, he you know, they have the 15 minute timer because he his practice was taken over by Lakeland and you can only spend 15 minutes with a patient. Yeah, it sucks.

[00:27:51] The board of these major health care in America fucking sucks, man. Yeah. So anyway, so he's only allowed to spend 15 minutes with a patient. And he spent over an hour with me just talking and whatever. Like, honestly, I don't think I'm playing on a on a front.

[00:28:09] I think he is a really good doctor. I mean, in general. Oh, in general. Yeah, probably. But we got to get to the underbelly here. Yeah. Because you've been trained by a cult. Your words. Yeah. Everything's fine. I'm fine. How are you, honey? I'm fine, too, dear.

[00:28:29] I'm just playing a little role play. I don't know if it's a combination. When you said earlier that you really miss being on those the ledges of the rocks and the water, and I know it's like beautiful and all that.

[00:28:40] Did you mean that you miss you said you wish you could go back? Do you mean that you wish you could come that close to dying or more the beauty of it or both? I think both because that feeling you have, like it's it's all you.

[00:28:55] It's just you and nothing else. And that's the only thing keeping you going. And that's really, really powerful. I don't know. And also it was just so beautiful there. Like that's why I went to my favorite beach. So beautiful there as well.

[00:29:11] And I just I like being in nature in some beautiful place and feeling like I could if I chose to, I could do it and I could be done and I didn't have to worry about anything else. I don't have to be tired anymore.

[00:29:28] I could just be done. Are you often tired? Yeah, not really physically, just like mentally. It's just like I think that's part of the anxiety. I always have this little voice in my head talking about a voice in my head

[00:29:41] from earlier, but this one's more like not trying to help you. This one's trying to hurt you. It's trying to say like everybody's against you and everybody doesn't love you. Or you hear that? Yeah. Oh, OK. OK. I think I'm frankly a little confused about the voices

[00:29:58] because I don't hear that, but I hear myself telling myself that. Yes. That's not an actual voice. No, it's not really a voice voice. It's just your own thought. Like, I don't know, like you're telling yourself you're doing something wrong.

[00:30:14] What the faith that you were brought up in? You were is literally centered on the fact that you're a sinner, right? Is that my right? Yes. Yes. Yeah. So how would you not think you're doing things wrong if that's the actual like starting point of your life?

[00:30:26] Yeah. Good point. Yeah. I mean, like if you actually think about it, I don't know. You could tell me anything and I could tell you the negative part of that. Like no matter what it is in this world, there is a negative aspect.

[00:30:39] All right. Let's see what we'll do. Today is a sunny day. Yeah. Well, that means that there aren't any rain. And so the plants are going to die. So that's what you would do. I was going to do. So you'll take anything and make it that.

[00:30:53] Yeah. So that's a little voice in my head. That's like no matter what action you take, there is a negative action. And so there's nothing that's 100 percent good. Growing up in that religion like God is 100 percent good and everything else is terrible.

[00:31:08] And so you're always trying to strive for that 100 percent goodness because you believe it's true, like you believe it exists, but it actually doesn't. It does not exist. And so here I am trying to figure out what that 100 percent good is. And it doesn't exist.

[00:31:24] And you'll never find it. So maybe stop trying. Maybe. Did you ever go to a hospital? No. So actually, when I talked to my therapist about this last time where I was about to after after I reached out to you and telling her,

[00:31:39] hey, I'm cutting myself again and I'm feeling really, really I don't have control over myself. And she was like, let's talk. And so we were talking about it. And I actually did call a couple of the inpatient hospitals around near me.

[00:31:54] And one of them that she liked the most didn't have any beds available. And the other one, we went through the insurance and turns out it would cost seven thousand dollars after insurance. And so I'm like, I'm not worth that. Wow. Like what if I go in?

[00:32:08] It doesn't work. And now my husband has a dead body and seven grand in debt. Right. Like not worth it. And two dogs and a rooster. Yeah. And a snail, a couple of fish and some chickens and two cats. And yeah, of course, he's husband.

[00:32:25] Atlas. Hey, he either wants something or he's proud. That's what's the neighbor walking. Uh huh. I see you weren't able to go to a hospital. No, I haven't yet. I don't know if I will. I still am thinking about it because I don't really want to die.

[00:32:41] I just want control over my life. And I don't know, I feel like if I can push through this, I'll feel better again because I have those moments where you're feeling great. Yeah. And it's it's nice. I like those moments and I like to be alive.

[00:32:54] I just am really tired. Yeah, that makes sense to me. Tired is tired. Tired. It's hard, man. Yeah. Every day, all day. So you are the people in your life other than your therapist, husband, family, other people. Do they know about what happened?

[00:33:09] What was it a couple of weeks ago? I don't remember the exact timing. They don't know how close I got. Yeah. So they know that I'm struggling, but they don't know that I actually went to the place and scoured it out, got bought the stuff again.

[00:33:22] Actually, my husband knows that I bought the stuff again. I mean, there's a big difference between struggling and doing so. Other than my husband, I don't think anybody knows that I've gotten. And even he doesn't know that I went there

[00:33:35] and I picked out the music that I wanted to fall asleep to. And I, you know. Wait, you're saying you pick music and not a podcast? Yeah. Wow. Irony or something. For some reason, I want to whisper. I don't know why.

[00:33:48] Does he know we're talking or is this a secret here? So he found out I wasn't sure I was going to tell him, but he actually when I went there, actually, no, I went to my parents to do laundry because our washers broken.

[00:34:00] So I went to my parents to do laundry and he came home and I wasn't there and he freaked out. So he was doing find my phone on my computer and it came up in my notes from the Suicide Noted podcast showed up

[00:34:09] and he was like, what is this? So he found out that I'm talking to you and he's fine with it. But I wasn't sure I was going to tell him. So, yeah, he knows.

[00:34:16] I don't know if he knows that it's today or anything, but he knows that I'm going to. You said when we started talking that you don't really have people to talk to without blah, blah, you know, without the stuff. And does that include everybody? Zero people?

[00:34:30] Yeah, because I feel like for him, he doesn't tell me bullshit, but he feels bad, like I don't want to tell him and then make him feel like helpless. And he feels scared for me. Like, honestly, I think he's terrified from what I've told him already.

[00:34:45] And that's not even everything. So I feel really bad about that. And I don't want to keep doing that more. And then for like I told my mom I was struggling and she was like, well, you should feel better for for other people.

[00:34:59] Don't you feel guilty if you're going to leave or whatever? And I'm like, I don't want to hear that. You should all do respect to your mother. You should feel better. Yeah, just feel better. Now, honestly, you should just feel better.

[00:35:15] And I think that's how she deals with it. She just tells herself that she feels better and then voila, she's better because she in high school, like she completely shut down. Well, I and my little sister were in high school

[00:35:28] and we would come home and we would have to cook and clean our own self and whatever, because she would be in her bedroom the whole time crying or or just completely zoned out. So she went through a really dark spot as well.

[00:35:42] And I think I actually asked her recently if she had been suicidal. And she said yes. She struggled her own self and she got a therapist and she whatever. And I think she's doing better now or she's just covering it up better and pretending to be fine.

[00:35:57] And so therefore she is. I don't know. So when she tells me to just be fine, I think that's what she's telling herself. And I don't think it's very effective. Right. Just be fine. That's not what you want to hear when you when you're talking about

[00:36:11] that to other people. So I just don't talk about it. Exactly. Just stop. Or, you know, if it's your mother, you can't like stop, stop. You just you know, what do you say? I'm I'm fine. Yeah, I'm fine. This is the thing. It's so weird. Yeah. Well, complicated.

[00:36:27] It's I don't know. All right. So does anything help other than podcast and your animals? Because I know those are two of them. Yeah, honestly, that and my husband just like knowing how much he would hurt his

[00:36:40] one of his friends from high school also committed suicide a couple years ago. And that really hurt him. And I know that this would be so much worse on him. So I you know, part of that guilt of you can't do this

[00:36:54] to other people around you is keeping me from doing it as well. Is that going to last? I don't think so. Do you have a plan? Oh, my God. I just sounded like the one eight hundred number.

[00:37:05] So, I mean, I still have all the stuff in my car and I keep picking a date that's a week out and then I just come to it. And I'm like, meh. And honestly, being 26, like I just turned 26 in September

[00:37:17] and I had told myself I'm going to live till 25. Then I turned 26 and now I have no idea. I thought 25 was such a good number and it was. But now I don't have that number. When you say you're tired, you said mentally.

[00:37:31] And that's the significant factor in you wanting to check out. What is this a tough one? But what does it feel like to be mentally tired? Honestly, have you ever tried building a sandcastle with dry sand? It's dry. You're you're building stuff up

[00:37:47] and it's constantly falling through your fingers. I feel like I'm wading through dry sand in my life. And it's always something's falling off and being left behind. And I can't think about it. But I am part like part of my brain is left back there thinking about it.

[00:38:04] And here I am just pushing forward and leaving little bits of myself back. And eventually I'm going to be nothing left. You should just be fine. Thanks. Just be fine. I'm cured. That helped. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have any myths?

[00:38:21] Some of them have probably come up already about myths or misconceptions about. Yes, actually. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I hate that one. I disagree. If you have a billion temporary problems that just keep popping up over and over again, that's a permanent problem.

[00:38:37] Yeah. Some point temporary is not temporary. Yeah. If you have a permanent barrage of temporary problems, it really is a permanent problem. Great disappointment. There you go. You know, so this part, these podcasts usually take about eight weeks to come out.

[00:38:52] Is it possible that yours won't be heard by your ears? It's possible. I don't know. I mean, never say never. Like you said earlier, any situation has the positive and the negative. Right. Yeah. Never say never as I might be dead. You don't know. Hey, it's possible.

[00:39:09] Yeah. Pink and purple pill, right? So for our audience, if they're new, take the pill. You go to sleep. You don't feel pain. And nobody knows it was a suicide. Would you take it? So with the caveat that no, no caveat. Yeah. What was the caveat?

[00:39:25] What was the caveat? It was going to be that I know my husband's going to be OK, but I think he will. Do you want me to put that in there for you? I will. Yeah. 100% done. Yes. You would like, would you hesitate? Hesitate? No.

[00:39:37] No. I'm asking you this. It's like late morning there on a Tuesday. If I asked you tomorrow or next week or yesterday at midnight, different times, different days, it would still be a quick guess. I think so. No pain. And my husband's fine. Yeah.

[00:39:52] Oh, you don't even mind that. So you'd be OK with others knowing it was a suicide? Yeah. As long as I know my husband will be OK. That's sweet. I just got a moment of feeling like nobody feels that way about me. Oh, no. I'm sorry.

[00:40:05] You just triggered me, Helen. Now, dear. Now, I don't I don't I probably get triggered, but not. It's very rare. This would be a really bad role for me if I was very easily triggered. Yeah, that's true. It wouldn't just it wouldn't work.

[00:40:18] That's a that's a different kind of podcast than that. Just the host getting freaked out when that would actually be an interesting podcast to listen to. I don't know how long it would last, but. Right. Well, the problem is if they're really getting triggered, it wouldn't

[00:40:34] it wouldn't work. It would eventually just and if it's fake, it feels weird. I don't know. Yeah. But actually, you know what? Let's do a give and take for that pill. I have pain, but my husband feels better.

[00:40:45] I feel like that's actually more realistic because I can't have everything. So what are you giving and taking? Give that my husband feels fine. Everything's fine, but I have a little bit of pain and I would take it even with the pain.

[00:41:00] Oh, you're making the pink and pill like lighter or darker or changing the colors. You want a little. I got you. I got you. Yeah, you can't have everything. Right. You know, you can take whatever you want. Any words to your younger self?

[00:41:15] Or those? Why does that question bother me? All right. You want to answer it? I would just say I'm sorry, it's not fair. It doesn't get better. You just learn to live with it. Well, you don't. That's true. I am technically living with it currently.

[00:41:30] I just might not be tomorrow. What's your top three podcasts that you listen to? Of course, other than this one, the God pod, which I love. I actually like The Daily. It's a from The New York Times and then probably one of let's do Court Junkie.

[00:41:48] That's a really good one. I knew you were going to have a true crime in there. Oh, yeah, I got plenty. Is this the first podcast you've actually been on as a guest? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Well, I'm honored as given for a number of reasons,

[00:42:01] but especially given you're such a podcast junkie. So what else you got, Helen, in Michigan? What would be a cool question I ask people on this podcast that I don't currently usually or ever ask anything come to mind? Good question. I don't know.

[00:42:19] You when you were listening to the podcast episodes, those that you were able to listen to, was there one that was like, I'm just curious about how people's experiences. I have a couple that I really like.

[00:42:30] I don't remember the name, but I know like some of them that I relate to more. I like the latest one. I'm in the mountains. I like the mountains. So that was the first time I didn't have a real location. Yeah. Like an actual formal.

[00:42:44] And what's even weirder is the next one's like that, too. Oh, fun. OK. But like all of a sudden, two in a row were like, let's use more generic. It's very hard for me to gauge, you know, how people experience this stuff unless they tell me.

[00:42:59] I think a good question, actually, thinking about, well, maybe it's not a good question. How many close friends do you have that aren't family? I thought you were going to say how many close friends have you know that have attempted.

[00:43:11] Oh, but you do ask that some or some variation of that. No, I didn't ask you that. So one person in Fountainview attempted and I found her. Oh, she's she left. Yeah. So she had just taken pills and was throwing up and whatever.

[00:43:29] So I was I found her like that and we talked and whatever. And then other than that, just my husband's friend, who I was also sort of friends with, like he was living with us. Yeah, he actually used his my husband's gun.

[00:43:44] And what was the answer to the question about how many close friends you have other than family? None. Zero. It's fucking hard to make just family. Yeah, honestly, I grew up homeschooled, so I never learned the social skills. They really are skills.

[00:44:00] And I know I can learn them now if I really tried. But I don't I'm dealing with so much already and I'm already so tired. I don't think I could handle friendships right now. Right. There are a lot of work.

[00:44:13] Some can be a lot of work. That's true. All right, cool. I hope your day is decent. It should be. What are you going to do after we're done? Probably go smoke and then go for a walk. Nice. Well, I appreciate it. Thanks for talking.

[00:44:27] Thanks for being there to talk to. Anytime, or at least until I'm dead. Enjoy your what do you got? Camelites. I actually got what is it? It's my first pack. I just started. Wait, why? Why did you start smoking? Because as an alternative to cutting.

[00:44:48] Oh, it's still harmful, but it might be not. I don't know. Did we not was it is cutting something we should have been talking about? I don't know. I might. I should have brought that up. No, it's OK.

[00:45:01] Is that the way the main way you coped with this stuff? Yeah. So I was trying to explain to my therapist actually last Friday why I do it because she was she was trying to get to the bottom of it and figure out if it was

[00:45:12] something that we needed to talk to more about. But I think everything just like bottles up so much and I have to have an opportunity to get it out. Otherwise, if I if I keep it down, I get more suicidal because it just like it'll bubble up eventually.

[00:45:30] And I'll have to do something big then. So if I can cut a little bit now, it's less intense. And now it's smoking. Yeah. Although cutting and smoking, because I still haven't stopped. Right. What kind of so you don't even know the brand?

[00:45:47] You know, I got the I don't know the brand name, but it had an Indian on the cover and I was like, oh, that's a yeah, American Indian or whatever. American spirit, I think American spirit. Yes, that's what it is. And I was like, oh, cool. Good brand.

[00:46:01] And it turns out they're not even connected to Native Americans at all. So whatever. Right. So you'll take that. You have a smoke. You go for a walk and then your life goes on. Life goes on. Oh, cool. I enjoy your walk.

[00:46:17] Enjoy your smoke. And thanks again. Thanks. You too. No. As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support and special thanks to Helen in Michigan. Thank you, Helen. If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:46:34] Hello at SuicideNoted.com on Facebook or Twitter at Suicide Noted. Keep in mind, you can check the show notes for all kinds of other information about the podcast, including our membership and do us a solid rate and review Suicide Noted on Apple.

[00:46:51] And I believe you can do it on Spotify. I'm not actually sure that really does help people find the podcast when they search for it. Of course, that's what we want. And that is all for episode number one, nine, six. Stay strong. Do the best you can.

[00:47:06] I'll talk to you soon.