Faith in Honduras 🇭🇳

[00:00:00] Sometimes when I do have suicidal thoughts and I think about it more, and I really don't know. That's a big question for me. That's a big question mark. If I was to take my life, would I go to heaven or hell? I don't know.

[00:00:33] Hey there, my name is Sean, and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast, I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories. Every year around the world, millions of people try to take their own lives, and we almost never talk about it. And when we do talk about it, many of us, well, we're not very good at it. And by the way, when I say that, as I've said for years now, what I mostly mean is not the people talking about it, but it's the people hearing them talk about it, engaging with them, having conversations with them.

[00:01:03] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors in large part to help more people in more places feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. At least that's the goal. Now, if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Our email is hello at suicidenoted.com. I would love to hear from you. You can check the show notes to learn more about this podcast, including our

[00:01:29] membership and the Noted Network, which is primarily podcast training, independent niche podcast training. I'm working with a couple of people right now. It's going really well. So hey, check that out if that's your thing. There's some other cool stuff in the show notes. And if you are someone who listens or has access to Spotify, if you check the description of this episode, you should find two polls. This is a new thing I'm trying out. Now I have to set this up

[00:01:53] after the episode comes out. So no guarantees, but there should be like last week, a new logo just for this week. We're getting the votes in last week's not so good. So I've got another new logo temporarily for this week. Check it out. Give me your feedback. We'll keep this happening until the right one is found. Also, you will see for the first time some memoir title ideas. Want to know which one you like the best? And of course, if you have any comments on either of those polls,

[00:02:20] there's a place for you to leave a comment. Be kind, of course, as always. Now finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast and my guests and I, we don't typically hold back. So please take that into account before you listen or as you listen. But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn. Today, I am talking with Faith. Faith lives in Honduras and she is a

[00:02:41] suicide attempt survivor. Hi, Faith. Hello. What's going on? Not much. Faith in Honduras. First time I am speaking to someone in Honduras. Yeah, because I'm a missionary. Yeah. Catholic? Mormon? Um, non-denominational. Okay. That's a thing? Yes. Wait a second. All right. But it's based on

[00:03:06] Jesus Christ. Yes. Okay. Guys, a missionary is a Jesus thing, I think. Yes. And you're in Honduras. What part of Honduras are you in? Um, I'm in the central part. It's, uh, I live in like a village, but it's close to a town called Siguatepeque. Hmm. Faith. Perfect name to be a missionary. Am I right? I think so. Like you almost had no choice, but to be a missionary.

[00:03:30] And where are you from? Um, well, I was born in Texas and then I moved here to Honduras with my family in 2006 when I was seven years old. So mission formerly a missionary kid. So obviously assuming you speak Spanish pretty damn well. Yep. Yep. You want to do this? You want to do this in Spanish? Do you speak Spanish? Bad enough to make a podcast not suck. Then probably not. You are the first person I've talked to in Honduras. So when I write this out, as I do like

[00:03:59] the name and the place, can I'm going to put faith in Honduras? That's so cool. Sorry. That just, I love that shit. Um, thanks for talking with me. Do you mind if I share a keyword you put in this brief email you sent me earlier this week? The fact that you're a suicide attempt survivor is not it because that's, that's fairly common. What the word is that I want to ask you about is that you said it was the story is, or something around that is scary. Yeah. I said scary because personally,

[00:04:27] I have never gone into the whole story. Quite honestly, there's only a group of people that know that I attempted, but they don't know any details and there were never any questions asked really. So, and then also like my family doesn't know. So I think that's like the scary part. Oh, so kind of scary for you. Yes. I see. Well, then even more so appreciative of you joining me and talking. I thought it would be a good chance to share my story because I felt like it's something

[00:04:56] that I want to do. And I recently like came upon your podcast, just like looking up, I don't know, like stories about other suicide survivors and wanting to feel some support, I guess. You're in your mid twenties. Yes, I'm 26. And you attempted when you were how old? I was 21. So back in 2020. Related to COVID? Not related to COVID. Maybe it had a part, maybe the loneliness aspect had a part

[00:05:23] in it, but it really wasn't related directly to it. One of the things that's interesting when I talk with people and they say something like, let's use your example, talking to you, like five years ago, I tried with my only attempt. And then I'm like, interesting. All right. But yet here we are talking about it, which is great. But the only way you found me 90% plus is you're looking for this stuff somewhere. And that's, what's so intriguing to me.

[00:05:49] Yeah. I think for me, it was, I was having some like passive suicidal thoughts recently, and I just wanted to hear more on the topic. And so that's how I kind of came upon this podcast. Yeah. Suicide in Spanish is a suicido, yeah? Mm-hmm. Pretty similar. Yes. Your memoir title, how many episodes did you listen to, if any? I listened to two. Were those, either of those episodes include my gift for memoir title creation? Yes.

[00:06:18] Okay. So I do, so with your permission, I do think your memoir title should probably include some Spanish in it, but that's just where I'm going with it right now. Okay. Just ultimately up to you, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna press. All right. So Faith from Texas moved to Honduras quite a while ago. I moved here as a kid. I grew up here and then I went back to the States for college. And then I came back here as a missionary. What part of the States were you in for college? Austin, Texas. Texas. So you were in Texas, Texas girl. Mm-hmm.

[00:06:48] Okay. Now you're back. Do you plan on staying there indefinitely? I don't have any plans of moving. Now that's not to say I won't move, but I don't have any plans as of yet. And you tried to end your life five years ago. Yes. Is that weird to hear? Yes. Weird to hear that, those words, no? Mm-hmm. For sure. Yeah. I think the weirdest part for me is just knowing that I really haven't gone in detail about it. And then going in detail on here with a stranger. Not a stranger.

[00:07:18] A little bit of a stranger. Yeah. Of course, we're going to get into the attempt if you're cool with that. Yes. Mm-hmm. Why haven't you talked about it until now? Essentially until now. I think it's kind of the mix of the environment that I grew up in and also my own shame. And then also the environment I was in when it happened, I really didn't have much support. And so I was just kind of used to that on my own. And as far as like mental health and things like that in my family,

[00:07:45] it was never really discussed. I mean, obviously there were things that were off, but it was never discussed. I imagine, tell me if I'm wrong, that if you try to end your life at 21, the first time you thought about ending your life probably wasn't the same day. No. You know, I imagine it usually builds. That's what I've learned over. Mm-hmm. So do you recall when you started first, it may have been a little girl, don't know, thinking like, I don't want to be here or some iteration of that?

[00:08:16] Let's see. Well, when I was going to attempt, it was 2020. I think it was around March. No, it was in April. And I had recently started some counseling through the university that I was going to, the University of Texas. I know that some professors have seen me and kind of like offer like, hey, if you want to talk to a counselor, we have one on campus.

[00:08:42] Just because I noticed like I was really quiet and didn't really engage much. And so I went to that counselor and we started like right off the bat. She started asking me about some of the things that went on like growing up and some of the abuse that went on and just like opened it wide up. And I didn't really have the tools. I didn't really have any way to cope with what was going on,

[00:09:07] especially since I didn't really have anyone outside of that relationship to talk about it. And so that feeling of just overwhelm nights of not sleeping and not being able to discuss anything with anyone else. And really like the lack of sleep took a very big toll, I think, on my mental health. I feel like in the end, it was a combination of opening up too quickly without

[00:09:31] necessary tools and feeling like I had no one to go to is what drove me to attempting suicide. Don't want to put words in your mouth, but are you implying, for lack of a better word here, that I'm not ripping on therapists. I heard this from you. So I'm asking like the way that particular therapist approached it with you then, opening it up, you didn't have the tools, you didn't have the support. It sounds like that was problematic the way he or she did it.

[00:09:57] Yes. I feel like it was very problematic, but also like on my part, I had no idea what to expect, no idea what to do. And so I think we're both kind of like, I could have, I don't know, researched some about what therapy kind of looks like and what you do in it. But I kind of went into it blindly because I knew I needed help, but I just didn't know how to approach it. Yeah. So when you say I knew I needed help, like what was happening that you were like, wow, I need help.

[00:10:24] So yeah, when we moved here, when I moved here as a kid, as a missionary kid, we moved into a home. It was a boy's home. So there were nine, no, there was nine other boys in the home with us. And the house parents left as soon as we got here, which my parents were supposed to be like support for the house parents and the kids, but it quickly ended up to being just my parents and the kids and

[00:10:50] my three biological siblings. So all the other boys in the house, all of them had, as you can imagine, like trauma and abuse growing up. And I could just remember some nights where there were conversations like in the living room with my parents, with some of those boys where some like sexual abuse had gone on in between them, the boys here. I feel like that was my first indication, like that something

[00:11:15] wasn't really right. Um, nothing had happened to me yet. So anyways, all that to say, I grew up in a kind of like things were discussed, but very under the rug, not brought to like all of our attention. Like, Hey, you need to be aware of these things. You need to be safe and all these things. And how old were you at that time? At the time I was eight. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So you're little. Yeah. So like eight, eight to 10, which all of these boys that I grew up with,

[00:11:42] I call them my brothers because there's a lot of them that I have a very good relationship with. And we all treat each other like family for the most part. Well, during that time, I say I was about 11. One of them got very sick. He got renal failure and had to receive dialysis. So to receive dialysis here, that was back in about 2009. You had to travel on a bus three hours to get to the capital city, receive dialysis for four hours and then travel back the

[00:12:09] same day. So he would do that three times a week. He would receive dialysis three times a week. And you could just watch him slowly deteriorate. There was no one in that pediatric reading board that came out alive. No one, there was no story of anyone recuperating from it, but it's something that we never talked about as a family, but you could see him suffering. And my parents were very attuned to it. They were helping him and all these things,

[00:12:34] which I'm glad that he had. He eventually received a kidney donation from his biological mother, but the surgery went wrong for some reason or another. It took for a couple months, but then it didn't. So he was back on dialysis again. And shortly after that, he passed away in 2012. And so when he was suffering and all that time, because he had an extreme amount of pain, I could always remember just going off alone, finding some part, because I grew up on a farm,

[00:13:04] some part alone here, and just crying out to God. Is it okay if I talk about God? Of course. Okay. I just remember just begging the Lord to give me the pain instead of him, because I just couldn't watch him suffer the way he did. And I feel like a lot of my siblings and my parents felt the same way, but it's something that was never talked about openly. So when he

[00:13:32] eventually did pass away, I mean, we talked about it for a few days after he did pass away, but really, his memory is more in everyone's minds and not really out in the open, because it's really something that I finally has a hard time discussing. So when he passed away, I was 14. And 14 is when I started being sexually abused by one of my, I'm going to call him foster brother, even though he lived with us permanently, but he wasn't my biological brother. And it was one of those things where you're like

[00:14:01] groomed and it slowly progresses. And so that's how it was throughout the years until I actually went to college when I was 18. And during that time, I remember telling my mother about one incident and just that one incident, not saying anything more because I was really afraid of the judgment because I remember those talks way back when I was eight to 10 years old of both parties getting in

[00:14:25] trouble between my brothers when those kinds of things went on in the early days. And so I felt like I would be blamed. And so that's why I didn't share everything with my parents. And I really still haven't shared everything with my parents that went on. But I just remember going to college and then just feeling so numb to everything in the world and just feeling like, okay, well, like, what's the point? I don't think I was having like suicidal thoughts at the time. I was kind of like, okay,

[00:14:53] all of those things happened, but I didn't really know. Like that whole period felt like a big blur to me. Those four years. And so I knew something was off, but I really didn't know how to put it into words. And so that's where like the numb feeling came from and feeling like I didn't have a voice. During that time, I was back visiting my family once during like a summer break. And one of my biological siblings, we were outside. We were practicing or doing things on a slack line.

[00:15:22] I remember. And two of my brothers were like bouncing him on the slack line. Mind you, he's like 21 years old at a time. He does, he flips off the slack line. He falls backwards on his neck, breaks his neck. I mean, we live here in the village. There's not really medical help around. So we make like a stretcher type thing. My parents take him into town. They could do an x-ray that they're like, oh, he just has a pinched nerve. Go home. He's in an inordinate amount of pain. He has

[00:15:49] numbness in his hands. They take him back. The next day, the doctor takes another x-ray at a different clinic. And they're like, you need to get to the U.S. now. Like you have three cervical vertebrae in the back of your neck that are broken. The soonest my parents get a flight was the next day. My dad was going with him. And I just remember before they left our farm to go to the airport to leave, my mom was like, do y'all want a photo with him? Because this could be the last time that you see him. And again,

[00:16:18] I was like, wow, okay, I'm losing another brother. What in the world? But he came, he went to the U.S. He had the surgery that he needed, the fusion, the spinal fusion. He is better now. Thank goodness he didn't die. But that kind of served as like an awakening, like, oh yeah, okay. So when my non-biological brother passed away and then the abuse after that, like that stirred up something for me.

[00:16:43] I don't know if it was just a shock or that feeling of losing someone else, but like, I felt like, okay, maybe I need to talk with someone. And so I remember a good friend at the time, I started sharing little pieces of the abuse with her and that was fine. I felt like it did make her uncomfortable as like many of these topics do. And she, when our friendship ended, she did say like she was

[00:17:08] uncomfortable. And I have to take that with like a grain of salt nowadays, because that feeling of uncomfortable is her and not me. No, it's not like, I'm not too much. And that's what I've told myself all through this time. Like I can't share this with anyone because I'm too much. And so when I did start that therapy later in college, when I was going into nursing school, that's when I felt like, okay, I can share a little bit. And then I shared a lot. And then I did feel like I was too

[00:17:37] much and it felt so overwhelming. And then I have started having like all these PTSD symptoms, like flashbacks and dissociation and couldn't sleep and all those things. And that's eventually what led up to my suicide attempts in 2020. April of 2020. How did you try? I remember at the time I was living with two of my bio brothers. So we were all living together,

[00:18:04] going to college at different spots and it was COVID. So we're on lockdown. So we weren't going to class, you know? And so class was out kind of indefinitely until I set up the whole zoom thing, you know? And so them two, my brothers, one was older, one was younger, decided to go on a fishing trip. And this is kind of like right in or right after I started counseling with the university. And I had actually met with like a psychiatrist, like through the phone because we couldn't be in

[00:18:31] person. And they were like, you need to be on meds. But I was like, I grew up with kind of like a stigma and those things were never talked about. And so I was like, no, she was like, okay, well, you at least need to get some sleep so you could try Benadryl. So, okay, that's a good idea. So I tried that and it worked for a few nights. Anyways, that's build up. My brothers went on a fishing trip. They went to Corpus Christi. They had issues with their car. Meanwhile, I was home

[00:18:59] alone. That night I had thought about it. I was like, I could just end all this pain that I feel right now with this bottle of Benadryl that I got because I needed to sleep more. And the next day I woke up and I felt the same. And so I just laid there with the bottle right by me and I was just going to take all of them or as many as I could. It turns out my brothers had car issues. So they

[00:19:25] came home early that day. And so they came into the apartment and that's when I was just laying there contemplating, you know, like the buildup to it. I hadn't written any note or anything like that. I feel like it was very spur of the moment, even though I did get like, think about it the day before, but I was just like, the quicker, the better. Cause I don't want to think about this too much. Cause then I'm going to think myself out of it. So they walked in and I was like, wow. Okay.

[00:19:52] So I can't do that now. I can't attempt now. Um, they're in the house. And then I was like, kind of like angry at myself. Like if I had done that and they walked into me, they're like dead. I would feel so bad for them. And so me not taking my own life was kind of in a way I didn't do it because I didn't want to hurt my family. And that's kind of like the big reason that I didn't

[00:20:16] do it. And so sometimes I think back and I'm like, I couldn't even do it, not do it like for myself, but I could do it for other people because I didn't want to put them through the pain. It is interesting earlier that you asked me if you can talk about God, cause that's very much what I want to talk about. You are a missionary for a non-denominational missionary. Right. What now this is a, this, this can go in a few different directions, which is fine. That's

[00:20:44] what this, it often happens that way. You believe in God. Yes. How does your God feel about people taking or trying to take their own lives? Yeah. Honestly, I don't know. It's something that I've thought about a lot. Like, is it a sin? Is it not? And really, I don't know because sometimes when I do have like suicidal thoughts and I think about it more and I really don't know.

[00:21:11] That's a big question for me. That's a big question mark. Like if I was to take my life, would I go to heaven or hell? I don't know. Do you ever have, or have you dealt with anybody taking their own life in your role as a missionary or in the communities you serve, or perhaps even just somebody, you know, in Texas? I haven't had an experience with someone taking their life. I have had a conversation with someone that was contemplating it. I like to think that I

[00:21:36] helped them some. How do you, how do you think you were helpful? I was able to relate. Um, I was also able to just like share a little bit, but also listen and just tell them that there is a purpose for their life. Like they might not see it right now or they might not see it for the next weeks or months, but eventually you'll look back and you'll be like, Hey, I'm kind of glad I didn't do that.

[00:22:02] You know? Do you know who I bet was really good at listening? Don't know this to be true. Of course, just guessing probably Jesus. Yes, probably. Yes. Just saying, not calling you Jesus faith. That is. And I, and I say this seriously, cause I don't really know much about religion, right? Mm-hmm. That is essentially in some ways what your role as a follower is, is to essentially act

[00:22:29] like him in many ways, right? Be like him as best you can. Right. It is a tricky one, right? To be like that and be caring and loving and listening. And then at the same time, wrestling with the idea that maybe this thing I want to do or almost did. Hey, like, how do you reconcile those two things that seem to be contradicting in some ways? Yeah. That's why it's so hard to share like any

[00:22:52] of this, especially with like family, like, cause I do help other people and I do try and be more like when he was here on earth, not to say, not to toot my own horn or anything like that, but like, just follow the blueprints that he has set out for us. But also at the same time, wrestle sometimes with doubt, with shame and was not knowing what my purpose is exactly. That was April, 2020. And you, you consider that an attempt or near attempt?

[00:23:21] I consider that, I feel like it was a near attempt. Like if my brothers hadn't shown up, I would have. And that would have been with the Benadryl? Mm-hmm. Probably different response from community and healthcare providers, I'm guessing in Texas, as opposed to had you tried in Honduras where you live. For sure. For sure. How do they deal with things like that there? Any idea? They really don't. There, there is not really like therapy or

[00:23:47] counseling or I know of one psychiatrist in the town, but it's for me, I do therapy with a different counselor right now. And it's a lot more like a self-discovery and kind of like dealing with things like presently, maybe to someday dive into deeper things in my past. But that's kind of like the pace I need. What do people do? And I'm sure you deal with this in your work. So you are an

[00:24:16] active missionary? Mm-hmm. Nurse as well? Yeah. So I am a labor and delivery nurse. I'm a registered nurse and I also teach middle school. Wow. That's a busy life. How do people cope if there's no therapy? There's plenty of ways to cope. A hundred, 200 years ago here, or even less, there was not a lot of therapy. People cope, but I think they probably just drank a lot of booze. What did they do? What in your experience?

[00:24:42] And as a nurse, teacher and missionary, I'm sure you deal with people who are struggling fairly often. The biggest way I see people cope is just to push it all down and try and forget about it or like repress those things. Mm-hmm. Or put it really out in the open all over like social media or something like that. Yeah. And then people think you're just attention seeking. So I see both things. Is there a lot of drinking now? Yes. I would say there is. Mm-hmm. Is there a lot of abuse, physical abuse in families?

[00:25:12] Yes. There's a lot of domestic violence type of things. Yeah. And do you now live still with family or alone or? I live alone. I live close to where my parents live with some of my siblings that are younger and have special needs. But yeah, I live alone. So that day in Texas, when your brothers came home, were you able to like, did they have any idea what was actually happening? I was in my bedroom. I heard them come in. They didn't see me type of thing. Yeah.

[00:25:38] And there's something in your mind at that point that clicks in and just says, I'm not going to do it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I feel like it was very much a God moment as well for me. I think that that was, I don't know, showing me that I do have a purpose and that people actually in my life, even though they don't know that I attempted or near attempt, that they do care for me.

[00:26:02] And since then, how, let's use the word ideate, right? How often or frequent do you think about that stuff and think about ending your life? I feel like it kind of depends what's going on. But if I'm like really stressed out with like family stuff, family dynamics, then it's way more close to my thoughts. But otherwise, I don't struggle with it that much. And so coming like out of the holidays, it was very

[00:26:31] much a struggle these past few weeks, just thinking about it, not actually having a plan, but just thinking about it. Now, I'm wondering something because you rarely, if ever, talk about this stuff and you've grew up not talking about this stuff and use the word scary to talk about this stuff. Is there anything that we've talked about so far where you maybe wanted to go somewhere, but you pulled back and you were kind of honest, but not entirely honest? I'm just wondering, because I would be that way.

[00:26:59] Just to be clear, I wasn't hearing what you were saying and being like, ah, fate's full of shit. No, no, no, no. Just because I think it's like, if you're used to doing that, I don't think you just magic, most people wouldn't magically be like, all right, yep. Zoom, bald guy, North Carolina, I'm kind of a stranger. I'm just going to let it rip, you know? No, definitely not. But like I said, I've been doing therapy and slowly coming to some things and that's been helpful. And then like this morning I was able to write out kind of like an outline of my life.

[00:27:28] Are you, I see you looking down, are you looking at the bullet point? Yeah. No, I'm looking right now. I'm like, did I skip over something? Well, you can look and share and then I have some other things I want to ask you about. So I'm sure it'll come up. And at the end you can add whatever else. So we'll get through it. You had mentioned the word or brought up the word purpose earlier. I know from some things you've shared, it sounds like it's kind of clear what that is, but are there other things that haven't come up that are sort of like why you're here on earth?

[00:27:54] Yeah. I feel like a big moment for me realizing my purpose was when I came here as a missionary after college, after university, it was about a year and a half ago, a little boy that had brain cancer. I was able to do hospice care for him and I knew him growing up. And when he was in hospice care, he was about nine and it was just out here in the village. It was just me, him and his mother. And I feel like that experience of being with him when he died,

[00:28:20] like I feel like was something that I was privileged to help with. And I feel very blessed to be with his mom and him during that time and be able to not only physically help, but be there to just be like an emotional support as well. And I feel like nursing going forward, I see little glimpses of that too, where I'm able to meet people like one-on-one and really have a relational moment where we can go deep. And I feel like that gives me great purpose.

[00:28:50] That's nice. How many people know we're talking? Zero. And how many people know about your attempt? About five. You told some people? Okay. You're a therapist. Mm-hmm. And then some other ladies that I had shared with once during Bible study. How did they take that? How did they respond? Well, it was kind of like we were all responding to a question and so everyone had their own deep

[00:29:14] answer and everyone were talking through tears. And so when I gave kind of like, I would say, my testimony or that part of my life and shared it with them, it was met with a lot of silence. And I remember just saying like, I don't want to be too much for y'all guys. And their response was, you're not too much. And so that was very good to hear. But at the same time after that,

[00:29:40] no one really, or no one to be exact, no one ever talked to me about it. Right. Let's be very clear. Not no one really, no one. Yeah. No. It's not, right. Okay. Mm-hmm. So right now, and I understand that you have access to Zoom and that's, you know, the interwebs and all that. But right now, if you dipped pretty hard and you were feeling very suicidal, you had a means. Most of the time there's means. People get creative, right? You're not living

[00:30:09] in the tundra. Even there, I'm sure people have attempted to take their lives. I know this is kind of a very hard or perhaps difficult or impossible question to answer, but like right now, the way you live your life, if you're feeling that way, what resources do you have? People, things, wherever to deal, cope, get through it. There are several things. I think connecting with God, reading the Bible, therapy, like I've mentioned,

[00:30:33] also kind of, this might sound kind of woo-woo, but like being out in nature and listening to music and just kind of like grounding myself and seeing that the world is so much larger than my pain. Being out in nature is the opposite of woo-woo. Okay. That's probably like the most core basic thing. Of course, if you're a believer in Jesus, that's probably also taking up a lot of space too, but yeah, nature. Question about the Bible. Does the word suicide ever come up in any form that you've heard or seen or read?

[00:31:03] The word suicide, no. There are people that take their own lifestyle. Don't quote me on that. No one's quoting you. No one's getting emails saying like, you were wrong about the Bible, but do you recall any, so you remember that, do we hear what happened? Do we hear how people responded? Do we hear how they judged or did not judge? They were not judged. They were not judged. They were not judged. I feel like they were either overwhelmed with like sin that had gone on in their life. They were not judged.

[00:31:32] This is a particularly sensitive question, but I will ask it. And given what you've gone through and your attempt or whatever else that you may have mentioned or may not have, everybody sins, right? It's arguably not possible to be human existing here and not sin. Right. Right. So I was going to ask you a question that may not make sense now. You can see my unclear on language around religion. Essentially, I wanted to ask you is, do you feel like you've

[00:32:02] sinned in a way where it's not something that can be forgiven? Does that make sense? No, I don't think so. I don't feel that way. I don't feel that way. I just, people feel that way about their own lives. Like I have sinned obviously, but I have been sinned against in a form with, with the sexual abuse. And I feel like a big part of the Christian community sometimes is like forgive and forget,

[00:32:27] you know? And that's something I've always struggled with. If I forgive, then I can just forget. But what I've come to realize is that it's kind of like a day to day or trigger by trigger process where you forgive, um, but you never forget. Right. What kind of therapy are you in? So you mentioned it, is that a, uh, in person, in real life person in your community or zoom or. It's through, it's online. It's like a video, video call. Cause it's someone that lives in, in the States. And it's what kind of therapy is it? Does it have a name?

[00:32:57] I don't think so. Do they diagnose you with a particular quote unquote condition? No, but when I did talk with that psychiatrist before attempting, they said anxiety, depression, and then PTSD. That was a, how, how long did you speak with this person? Not very long, but they had talked with the counselor that I was seeing. I would say it was like 30 minutes, but. Wow. But they had spoken with the, and this was up in Austin.

[00:33:25] It was part of like the university. Cause they have like a health center. Yeah. Parents still missionaries. Yes. Kind of a vocation life's work. Yes. Because my parents took in more kids around 2011, 2012 that were younger. And so the youngest now is 13 or 14 that lives here. Um, and then a few of my siblings have special needs. So. Did you, I know you listened to a couple of episodes. Did you hear the question I always ask around the pink and purple pill?

[00:33:53] Okay. I heard of it. And then I looked it up. Cause I was like, what is that? No. I don't understand what he's asking. There's not a, there's nothing to look up cause it's not real, but in an imaginary world, if I gave you a pill and the pill would allow you to, um, go to sleep quietly and gently and not wake up and there would be no pain and nobody would know it was a suicide. Just faith went to sleep and didn't wake up. What do you think you would do with that pill?

[00:34:19] I would definitely think about it. That's just part of me. Cause I can't immediately off the bat say no. So I feel like it's kind of situational and how I'm doing at the time, but when I'm doing fine, which is most of the time I would say no, no, meaning you just would get rid of it. I would not, I wouldn't take it. Yeah. You know what I was thinking? I don't ask this question very often and maybe I should, you know, I make the assumption that if people want to talk and we talk that that like,

[00:34:44] that's great. And you know, um, it was helpful and all the, all the positives. Do you think there's a chance you don't know? Perhaps you can share this with me later today, next week, whenever like that, we talk and you have not necessarily a similar experience you had with your therapist, but that it actually does some harm. I feel like that's definitely a possibility. Yeah. But honestly, the fact that I went into this knowingly and willingly, I don't think it's a big, going to be a big deal.

[00:35:13] Do you think when it comes out, you'll listen to it? Tough one. Probably not. Probably not. You know, I've been learning more and more. I think far fewer people listen to their own stuff. Maybe it's just a voice thing than I had imagined. It's kind of interesting that you now will have this thing where if you wanted to share it with people, but it's really awkward to do it like talking, you could potentially say, here, here's a link. Yeah. That's kind of weird and interesting to me. It is. You know?

[00:35:39] I feel like it's very weird, but it's also at the same time, like kind of nice to not have to go through everything again if I wanted someone to know about it. Like, if you really want to know, then you can listen to this conversation or just kind of me rambling mostly, but- No, no, no. You're not rambling. So there's heaven and there's hell? Yes, I believe. Who goes to hell? Like people that have not accepted the grace of God. What does that mean?

[00:36:06] People that don't believe that there is God and that Jesus came and gave his life for our sins. I feel like the Bible gives so much evidence of just his grace for us and like eternal hope for the future. You're trusting somebody to talk about this stuff with, some of which you've never shared with people, and the person you're sharing it with, based on what you shared, is probably headed to hell, baby. What are we doing? That's why I was hesitant.

[00:36:36] Is that right? Yes. Ah. A little awkward, to be honest, but I'm just speaking what I believe, you know? Sure. Yeah, you tell me how you feel. It's not going to hurt me or affect me. For better or worse, maybe it should. If this were a podcast that was very similar conversations, but it was sort of faith-based, would you be more or less inclined to have talked? A little bit more inclined. All right, faith-based podcasters, get your shit together. Let's get this going, baby. Have

[00:37:04] the real talks. Nah, they're doing good work, I'm sure. Yeah. Are there any myths or let's call them myths or misconceptions around? With you, it could be anything, but I typically ask around suicide or ideating, but it certainly could spill over into faith or anything, abuse. I feel like one I already mentioned, the forgive and forget, which I already kind of went into. Mm-hmm. And then the other one being like your trauma or whatever has happened to you has to be big

[00:37:31] enough for you to get help. I feel like we tell ourselves as sometimes as like survivors or victims that what we went through is not big enough or doesn't merit help. But I feel like if you think you need help, then you probably need some help, whether that be support through friends or your church or therapy or whatever. But I just feel like I went through so much of my life, like, I'm fine. I'll be okay. I don't need help. Even though my internal dialogue was,

[00:38:00] you'd be better off dead. So we can compare ourselves and compare what we've gone through to so many other people and be like, well, it's not that bad compared to that. Yeah. Yeah. That's just not true. I mean, everyone reacts in different ways and goes through things differently, but we can find help. If I were to ask, so you're 26, your attempt is when you were about 21. Mm-hmm. So let's dial it back, rewind a little bit. Okay.

[00:38:29] Sometime before then, let's pick half your life. So 21, so you're 10 or 11, that's about half your life before that day in Austin. If I were to ask 10 or 11-year-old, one day you were going to come close to ending your life, what would she have said? It's a good question. I feel like I would want her to be more open. So I was very introverted and

[00:38:53] kept a lot of things to myself. The message that you're too emotional is not true and that you can share things and it not be too much for someone. I also imagine it would be scary to hear that, right? That one day, Faith, you're going to be on the end. Right. Mm-hmm. That's the word you used when we started. Has it felt scary? I really want to know. Is this a scary feeling? A little bit. Yeah. A little bit. Just because I know this is going to be going out. So the scary part is other people hearing it. Mm-hmm.

[00:39:23] Strangers, I think mostly, probably entirely maybe. Yes, for sure. You're not going to be blasting us out into your community? No, this is not going on my Facebook wall. No offense to your podcast. No, no. I think it's great. No offense to you. Okay. No offense to you. I mean, something resonated with you enough to reach out and you don't talk about this. So I appreciate it. Something worked for you. Hopefully you feel okay about this conversation. I do.

[00:39:51] No, it's not easy. Those people that do hear it. And I don't think, I'm trying to learn more about English and Spanish. And there are Spanish speakers who can stumble across it, but it's really if they're looking in English and blah, blah, blah. So whoever hears this, maybe they're in Austin, maybe they're in Honduras, they can be anywhere. This is a tough one because I don't know exactly the demographics and psychographics of everyone who listens, but yeah, I have a sense

[00:40:18] like from your home in this town in Central Honduras. Is there anything you want to share with people who hear this? I feel like I just want to share like to not be afraid of sharing your story because I know I've personally wanted to. And even if you don't want to, that's fine, but it's not something to be afraid of because that's you and people can take it how they want to take it. But at the end of the day, you live with yourself. So that would be my thing.

[00:40:46] Do you still think that maybe I, when I was saying that your memoir title might have English and Spanish, where are we going with that? Do we have something? What are we doing with the memoir title? Now look, you may never write the book. I get it. It's just a title. You could play with the word faith. It's your name and there's other meanings. Do you have any sense of where we're going with this title? I don't. Maybe this is the time when we ask the audience, the listeners. Yeah.

[00:41:10] If you have an idea for Faith's memoir title, you can email it to me and I can share it with her. Look down at your notes. Is there anything else you want to share? I'm going to make sure that you feel like we talked about whatever you wanted to talk about. I mean, I feel like I shared a lot of what I wanted to talk about. Nothing really off the top of my head. Do you have more questions or anything? I don't have more questions. I have my questions I send you and then I'm looking at things I was

[00:41:37] sort of jotting down as we were talking, but I don't think so. What's the rest of your day like? I know you're not teaching today because the kids are not in school. What's a typical day like when you're not going to the middle school? I go to the clinic tomorrow for nursing stuff, but today I don't really have anything going on in the afternoon. Probably spending some time with my younger siblings as my parents get ready to go on a trip. So, I mean, that's pretty much it. Not really much going on today. Nice day. Yeah.

[00:42:05] Well, I really thank you for talking a lot. I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Paso a paso. Did they say that there? They say poco a poco. Little by little. Little by little, step by step, that type of thing. Cool. All right. Thanks. Enjoy your day and I'll talk to you soon. Appreciate it, Faith. Take care. Bye. As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support. Special thanks to Faith in Honduras.

[00:42:31] Thanks, Faith. If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com. I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to talk. You can check the show notes to learn more about this podcast, including our membership. We would love that kind of support if that's something you're able and willing to do. You can also learn more about the Noted Network, including our podcast training. That's going really well. And if that's something you're curious about, check it out. And there's some other things in there as well that might pique

[00:43:00] your interest. So take a moment, check it out. You can also rate and review the Suicide Noted Podcast. It helps people find it. And of course, we want more people to find it. And that is all for episode number 253. Stay strong. Do the best you can. I will talk to you soon.