Erik in Sweden 🇸🇪

[00:00:00] Yeah, the first six months I was in quite shock and I developed panic disorder. So I had panic attacks for every day for like five months. Heart beating, sweating and thinking you're going crazy.

[00:00:34] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories.

[00:00:42] Every year around the world millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it. We certainly don't talk about it enough.

[00:00:48] And when we do talk about it many of us including me we're not very good at it.

[00:00:52] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors in large part to help more people in more places hopefully feel a little less shitty and a little less alone.

[00:01:05] Now if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk please reach out.

[00:01:09] Hello at Suicide Noted dot com on social media at Suicide Noted.

[00:01:13] And of course you can check the show notes to learn more about the podcast including our membership.

[00:01:20] We love that kind of support but however you're involved, however you support, thank you.

[00:01:24] I do want to add that we will soon have fiscal sponsorship and what that means is that we can essentially act like a non-profit.

[00:01:32] Why does that matter?

[00:01:33] Well, if you would like to make a financial contribution, there are some tax incentives.

[00:01:38] I don't know about that too much yet but I will let you know if that's something that you're interested in doing and that might have held you back.

[00:01:44] Should we get sufficient funding, there are some other ideas to expand the podcast and do some cool shit I've been thinking about for a while.

[00:01:51] And one of those things is I am very much wanting to help people do something like this.

[00:01:58] Essentially, have your own podcast or niche podcast where you're having very frank and candid conversations about shit that matters, stuff that matters.

[00:02:07] And do it in a way, not necessarily like I do it.

[00:02:09] Of course you have your own voice and your own style.

[00:02:12] But learning how to facilitate these kinds of conversations.

[00:02:16] Being very open and also being a little entertaining and all that goes into that.

[00:02:20] Of course, I have a lot to learn and I say that in the intro.

[00:02:23] But I've learned a whole bunch and I want to help people do it as well.

[00:02:28] So stay tuned for that.

[00:02:30] Finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast and I don't hold back.

[00:02:34] So please take that into account before you listen or as you listen.

[00:02:37] But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn.

[00:02:41] Today, I am talking with Eric.

[00:02:43] Eric lives in Sweden and he is a suicide attempt survivor.

[00:02:50] Hello, Eric.

[00:02:51] Hi, Sean.

[00:02:52] Eric, you're in Sweden, right?

[00:02:54] I'm in Sweden, yes.

[00:02:56] Have I talked to somebody from Sweden?

[00:02:57] I don't think I have.

[00:02:59] I think I'm the first one.

[00:03:01] Wow, Eric.

[00:03:02] Let's roll, baby.

[00:03:03] And we're just talking about suicide, I guess.

[00:03:05] We're gonna do.

[00:03:06] We're gonna do.

[00:03:07] Right.

[00:03:08] Who does that?

[00:03:09] Not the common people.

[00:03:10] How'd you stumble upon this podcast?

[00:03:12] I'm always curious.

[00:03:13] Like many people have said, googling on suicide.

[00:03:17] For me, it just stood out totally in terms of stories by people that are in suicide ideation or have committed.

[00:03:26] Try to.

[00:03:28] Because 99%, I feel, is relatives and organizations that talk about how to, in the first part, deal with the afterlife.

[00:03:38] After a relative has done it.

[00:03:40] And the other part, how to make a decent suicide intervention or in care.

[00:03:47] So it was very refreshing.

[00:03:49] And I've listened to maybe 60% or something.

[00:03:53] So that means you've heard my voice a lot.

[00:03:55] You look like your voice.

[00:03:56] Oh, really?

[00:03:57] Okay.

[00:03:58] That's so interesting.

[00:03:59] I look like my voice.

[00:04:01] All right.

[00:04:01] Are you in a rural area?

[00:04:04] Somewhere more urban city?

[00:04:06] I'm in a city.

[00:04:07] I can share that.

[00:04:08] Okay.

[00:04:09] Urban Eric.

[00:04:10] All right.

[00:04:11] So you find the podcast.

[00:04:12] Now, naturally, one wonders, why were you looking on Google and putting in that word suicide?

[00:04:17] I guess it was feeling alone and looking for comfort in some ways.

[00:04:26] People that experience the same.

[00:04:29] That was the reason.

[00:04:31] And I've always been good at looking up things.

[00:04:35] I'm glad I found it.

[00:04:36] Me too.

[00:04:37] And when was that?

[00:04:38] How long ago?

[00:04:38] Two years ago, maybe.

[00:04:40] Wow.

[00:04:40] So you listen to some of the episodes.

[00:04:43] And so you go at some point from looking for that type of thing, finding this, among other

[00:04:48] things, I assume, listening.

[00:04:50] And then, whatever it was, last month or so, actually reaching out, considering talking.

[00:04:56] And that's the other part I'm always wondering about.

[00:04:58] Like, why talk about it when so few do?

[00:05:00] Yeah.

[00:05:01] I think I wrote to you for like three, four months ago.

[00:05:04] I wasn't ready to be in the pass cards, I think, at that time.

[00:05:09] But the reason I...

[00:05:10] I guess it's a tipping point, like a desperation, I think, where you're looking those things up

[00:05:16] in detail.

[00:05:17] And then also, it was a later tipping point where I was like, okay, if I'm not going to

[00:05:22] be here anymore, I can at least participate in the podcast.

[00:05:26] So it was a second tipping point for me.

[00:05:28] And a lot of things that have happened in the last two weeks also.

[00:05:32] So in a good way, actually.

[00:05:33] Oh, good.

[00:05:34] So right now, there's not a third tipping point.

[00:05:36] Exactly.

[00:05:37] We'll see what happens, of course.

[00:05:39] Now, I want the audience to know, before we started recording, so Eric and I decided

[00:05:45] not to do this in Swedish.

[00:05:47] Could I do it?

[00:05:49] Sure.

[00:05:49] But we felt we agreed it would be better in English.

[00:05:53] That's true.

[00:05:54] You know, I mean, would it be as good a conversation if I was doing it Swedish?

[00:05:58] It would not.

[00:05:59] It would be a deal breaker for the listeners.

[00:06:01] It would be the worst episode ever.

[00:06:05] I mean, you would be talking and they hopefully would understand a little bit, especially if

[00:06:08] people speak Swedish heard it.

[00:06:10] I think a lot of people in Sweden do speak English.

[00:06:12] It's not shocking that some might find this podcast and easily be able to understand it.

[00:06:17] You speak a lot of English up there.

[00:06:18] Am I right?

[00:06:18] Yeah, that's true.

[00:06:19] Especially the young people.

[00:06:21] Like, I was born in the 80s, so 90s and up are even better, I would think.

[00:06:26] Not in terms of, they don't read literature so much, but they read, they play games and

[00:06:30] etc.

[00:06:31] Social media, blah, blah, blah.

[00:06:33] Have you attempted to take your life?

[00:06:35] No, I have not.

[00:06:36] Okay.

[00:06:37] Close.

[00:06:38] I've been close to buying a rope.

[00:06:41] When was that?

[00:06:42] Or is that multiple times?

[00:06:43] It was maybe two months ago.

[00:06:46] So here's a question that, it's a hard one, but it's rather straightforward.

[00:06:50] Why did you, not that long ago, almost buy a rope to presumably hang yourself?

[00:06:56] Yeah, to end the suffering, like an escape, like a comfort zone.

[00:07:00] I've always been afraid of death, so that's a resistance part in me.

[00:07:05] So it's like one process, want to end the suffering, another process, don't want to end.

[00:07:10] Because I'm not religious, I have a cynical side, so it will probably be black and nothingness.

[00:07:16] That's a big step to take.

[00:07:18] I mean, it speaks to how much someone is suffering if they believe that, right?

[00:07:22] If you believe that, you know, you were going to a place with unicorns and puffy clouds, it

[00:07:27] might be a little different.

[00:07:28] Yeah.

[00:07:29] That was what you said, two or three months or weeks ago?

[00:07:32] It has been escalating for three years and fluctuating, those kind of heavier thoughts

[00:07:38] like, am I going to buy this rope?

[00:07:41] I was looking for, what's it called, in the roof where you can hang the rope.

[00:07:45] Oh yeah, I don't know what you call that, unless you're talking about like a hook or

[00:07:48] something, I don't know.

[00:07:48] A hook, yeah.

[00:07:49] Or a beam or something to fasten it, right?

[00:07:52] Yeah.

[00:07:53] In the worst days, it was a day every hour, every day, just thinking about how the fuck

[00:07:59] I'm going to deal with this state.

[00:08:01] For me, I think I've always had vulnerability for anxiety and depression.

[00:08:07] So I had like fluctuating light depression episodes, mostly after breakups with love

[00:08:14] relationships.

[00:08:14] But when I got three diseases in the episode of six months, it was COVID.

[00:08:24] I got this, I lost all my hair on my body.

[00:08:27] So I have no hair.

[00:08:29] It's alopecia universalis.

[00:08:32] You just got it like, is there a reason why someone gets that?

[00:08:35] It's just genetic.

[00:08:36] It's different.

[00:08:37] A lot of people get it sometimes when they got an infection.

[00:08:41] So it's an autoimmune disease, like a reaction to an infection.

[00:08:46] In my case, I think it was COVID that triggered it and genetics in the foreground.

[00:08:51] When that happens, like you're seeing all your hair go away and not grow back, right?

[00:08:55] It was in the beard first.

[00:08:57] And then it was one here on my scalp.

[00:09:01] And then it just flowed away for three months in the shower, you know?

[00:09:05] Yeah, it's just pretty traumatic.

[00:09:07] I bet.

[00:09:08] And there's no, it's not going to go back?

[00:09:10] No, universalis is very rare to go back.

[00:09:13] Right.

[00:09:14] How do you feel about all this hair loss?

[00:09:16] I've developed dysmorphophobia.

[00:09:19] It's not been easy.

[00:09:20] Yeah, it's like a negative view on the body.

[00:09:23] You don't look at pictures.

[00:09:25] You don't want to be in pictures.

[00:09:26] You're disgusted by your looks.

[00:09:28] That's got to affect so many things in terms of socializing and...

[00:09:32] Yeah, self-esteem and dating.

[00:09:34] For me, it was pretty hard to get up.

[00:09:36] Then I got severe tinnitus six months later.

[00:09:39] And that has been also the most challenging thing I've ever experienced.

[00:09:44] Tinnitus?

[00:09:45] Yeah, it's like a ringing in the ear.

[00:09:47] So just to be clear, you got COVID, then you got alopecia, and now you have tinnitus,

[00:09:52] which means you have an...

[00:09:53] Is that like an ongoing ringing in your ear?

[00:09:55] Yeah, I have two different versions.

[00:09:57] I have one somatic when I walk and run after a tire blown in my left ear.

[00:10:02] That is the same pitch.

[00:10:04] And then I have bilateral in both ears.

[00:10:06] And it's a reactive one.

[00:10:08] So it reacts to guitars and traffic and music.

[00:10:13] So it's pretty fucked up, I would say.

[00:10:15] And some hearing loss also in high frequency area.

[00:10:19] Yeah.

[00:10:19] And those things just knocked me down, actually, three years.

[00:10:24] I couldn't deal with the chronic side of it.

[00:10:27] Yeah.

[00:10:27] Because depression is like, it's not constant.

[00:10:30] It could be.

[00:10:32] Anxiety is the same.

[00:10:33] Feelings is the same.

[00:10:34] But disease, somatic disease is fucking chronic.

[00:10:37] So that was a big hole for me.

[00:10:39] Black hole.

[00:10:39] Yeah.

[00:10:40] So you can't function.

[00:10:41] Yeah.

[00:10:42] This is just for me, but I'm sure I'm not alone.

[00:10:44] You just see your life stepping away.

[00:10:46] And there's almost nothing you can do about it unless you're like Buddha.

[00:10:49] And we might look a little bit like Buddha now, but we're not.

[00:10:52] So it's just like, you know, what the fuck do you do with that?

[00:10:54] Yeah.

[00:10:55] The only thing that helped me with tinnitus is live your life as normal as you can.

[00:11:00] I was in Belgium doing some kind of brain stimulation.

[00:11:04] I was trying white noise in the ear every day to just soothe it out and mask it.

[00:11:10] But in the end, it was just live your normal life as much as you can.

[00:11:15] It's like a chase always.

[00:11:17] And the silence is gone.

[00:11:18] I haven't experienced silence in four years.

[00:11:21] I wonder what that would feel like if you felt silence.

[00:11:24] Probably at this point would be weird.

[00:11:26] I would cry actually if I heard it again, silence.

[00:11:29] It's like 60 decibel, I would say, my tinnitus.

[00:11:33] So it's pretty high.

[00:11:34] What does that equate to?

[00:11:35] Someone speaking very loud in the room.

[00:11:38] All the time.

[00:11:39] Yeah, all the time.

[00:11:40] It's pretty nasty.

[00:11:41] Some people in Belgium and Holland has legal suicide because of tinnitus.

[00:11:46] I think a few.

[00:11:47] Holy shit.

[00:11:48] Wow.

[00:11:49] It's a pretty serious disease if it's a severe one, I would say.

[00:11:53] And you come to a therapist and they're like, oh, that sounds awful.

[00:11:57] It's literally the right words.

[00:11:58] The sound is awful.

[00:11:59] Yes.

[00:12:00] So, I mean, therapy, it's not helping so much for me.

[00:12:04] So right now you hear the noise.

[00:12:07] Yeah.

[00:12:07] Wow.

[00:12:08] And different.

[00:12:09] I got different pitches.

[00:12:10] Sometimes it's bass.

[00:12:12] Sometimes it's 10,000 hertz.

[00:12:14] And this all started about three or four years ago?

[00:12:18] Yeah, three years ago.

[00:12:19] The alopecia was four years ago.

[00:12:21] Yeah.

[00:12:21] So before then, what are you in your like 30s?

[00:12:24] I'm 40.

[00:12:25] That's a fucked up year also, isn't it?

[00:12:27] It is.

[00:12:29] Oh, man.

[00:12:30] So before your mid-30s, when this started to happen, you said you were dealing with depression

[00:12:35] and or anxiety for much of your life.

[00:12:38] Had you ever, up until whenever that was somewhat recently, considered suicide or even come close

[00:12:45] to that?

[00:12:45] No.

[00:12:46] Not before 36.

[00:12:48] I mean, suffering, yeah.

[00:12:49] Yeah, but I wouldn't say it was suicide ideation.

[00:12:52] To what degree was that suffering pre-36?

[00:12:56] Part of this, do you think, maybe what happens after and ultimately contemplating a rope?

[00:13:02] I think one part or puzzle was that I've experienced some kind of dysfunctional dynamic with my mother.

[00:13:13] You can call it attachment problems, maybe, and low self-esteem.

[00:13:18] Maturing later, I would say.

[00:13:20] I was pretty lost as a teenager.

[00:13:22] And I would say when I was 20, my emotional self was like maybe 12.

[00:13:27] So yeah, it's always connected, but I've never been near suicidal ideation like I've

[00:13:33] been the last four years now.

[00:13:35] When it started at 36, I'm imagining, I'm assuming, but you will correct me, please,

[00:13:40] if I'm not correct.

[00:13:41] It doesn't happen immediately.

[00:13:43] Like this idea, these thoughts, these ideations kind of, I would imagine, grow and develop over

[00:13:48] time.

[00:13:49] Yeah.

[00:13:49] So for you, when did you start in that process?

[00:13:52] And I know you don't have a date probably unless you keep a very, very clear journal.

[00:13:56] When does it start to turn from, this really is bad.

[00:13:59] Now maybe, I think you might've mentioned this when you talked about the tipping point.

[00:14:03] When does that really start to get bad?

[00:14:05] To the point where you're not sure if I want to keep living or if I can keep living.

[00:14:08] Yeah.

[00:14:08] The first six months I was in quite shock and I developed panic disorder.

[00:14:13] So I had panic attacks for every day for like five months.

[00:14:18] Wow.

[00:14:18] Do they like the heart beating and sweating?

[00:14:20] Yeah, exactly.

[00:14:21] Heart beating, sweating, and thinking you're going crazy.

[00:14:24] And you're alone most of the time when this is happening?

[00:14:27] Yeah.

[00:14:27] So I was hospitalized during that period for 10 days.

[00:14:32] Oh, really?

[00:14:33] Okay.

[00:14:33] How was that experience?

[00:14:35] It was first time and I got some friends.

[00:14:38] I hear that a lot.

[00:14:39] People talk about the people they meet.

[00:14:41] Yeah, exactly.

[00:14:41] It was a pretty soft department or what to say, but I wouldn't say they helped me.

[00:14:47] They just have medications and they do food for you there.

[00:14:49] So kind of a place to not be where you were and kind of contain things.

[00:14:55] Exactly.

[00:14:55] And intensify the care process.

[00:14:58] Pragmatic, I would say, in terms of trying medicines.

[00:15:01] So I got out and did quite better.

[00:15:05] I was unemployed at that time and on sick leave.

[00:15:11] January 21st, I got a job.

[00:15:14] 2021, January.

[00:15:15] January 2021.

[00:15:17] Okay.

[00:15:18] So that is maybe one year after the debut of the diseases.

[00:15:24] Yeah.

[00:15:25] So I started full time and really focusing on that job.

[00:15:28] It was in psychiatric care for children.

[00:15:32] Oh, wow.

[00:15:33] And those three years that I've been working there and living in that town has accumulating

[00:15:40] and tipping point this year, I would say.

[00:15:43] Was it related to the work?

[00:15:46] Maybe stress in terms of stress, but not in...

[00:15:49] It was a diseases actually and loneliness.

[00:15:51] Yeah.

[00:15:52] Fucking hell.

[00:15:53] We just don't talk about this enough.

[00:15:55] Yeah.

[00:15:55] Loneliness is a big one for everyone, I think.

[00:15:57] For everyone.

[00:15:58] But you know, some people, everyone's different, right?

[00:16:00] So some people deal with it the way they deal with it.

[00:16:02] Some people have more people around that they like, whatever.

[00:16:04] It becomes meaningless.

[00:16:05] If I don't have a partner, I'm nothing.

[00:16:09] When the dating field is what it is today and low self-esteem and all these diseases with

[00:16:16] alopecia and the aesthetics, I just couldn't handle it.

[00:16:19] It's got to get to a point where you're like, this is probably not going to change.

[00:16:22] So it's not just what's happening now.

[00:16:23] It's you're looking ahead.

[00:16:25] Six months, one year, five years.

[00:16:26] Exactly.

[00:16:27] I thought I was going to be dead.

[00:16:29] It's just a matter of time.

[00:16:30] Let's go back to like, I don't know, 25, 30 years old.

[00:16:35] Like if I said, hey, Eric, you know, in the not too, too distant future, you're going

[00:16:40] to be contemplating suicide.

[00:16:41] What do you think you would have said?

[00:16:43] I couldn't relate to it, I think, at all.

[00:16:45] Given the work you've done with the kids in the psychiatric care, I mean, I'm imagining

[00:16:50] you're a pretty sensitive guy, caring guy.

[00:16:52] I don't think you can do that work, probably.

[00:16:54] I mean, well, I don't know.

[00:16:56] I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

[00:16:57] But is your view of people who contemplate and or attempt, has that changed?

[00:17:04] Yeah.

[00:17:05] Crucial, I would say.

[00:17:07] How so?

[00:17:07] I can just relate to the state they're in.

[00:17:11] So it's pretty easy to show empathy and taking them seriously.

[00:17:17] It's one of those things where if you don't go through it, you can certainly have empathy,

[00:17:22] right?

[00:17:22] But wow, it changes it.

[00:17:24] It's got to change it.

[00:17:25] The expression takes one to know one is pretty good, I think.

[00:17:29] It's not always like that because you don't have to have schizophrenia to work with schizophrenia.

[00:17:35] But sometimes it makes a difference.

[00:17:38] And for me, it did.

[00:17:39] But at the same time, when I was feeling very bad, like the last year maybe, and non-functioning,

[00:17:46] then I need to step down and take care of myself first.

[00:17:50] So you said that was the first time you were hospitalized?

[00:17:52] Was there a second?

[00:17:53] Three days before my 40th birthday, I was thinking of putting me inside, yeah.

[00:17:58] A hospital.

[00:17:59] It was very close.

[00:18:00] I was just planning it, making the call.

[00:18:03] And then I was preparing a party with some friends and relatives.

[00:18:07] So I was focusing on that.

[00:18:09] And some things have happened after that.

[00:18:12] Good things, yeah.

[00:18:14] When was your birthday?

[00:18:15] September 7th.

[00:18:17] September 7th.

[00:18:18] A few weeks ago.

[00:18:19] Well, happy birthday.

[00:18:20] Thank you.

[00:18:22] People don't hear me use the word happy that often, to be honest, man.

[00:18:25] It's just that's what they say.

[00:18:26] Happy birthday.

[00:18:27] There's no other word in English anyway.

[00:18:28] I don't know.

[00:18:29] By the way, I usually ask this earlier in the conversation, but how do you say suicide in Swedish?

[00:18:36] Fellmood.

[00:18:37] What does that translate to?

[00:18:38] Do you know in English?

[00:18:39] It's self-murder.

[00:18:41] Self-murder.

[00:18:42] Yeah, that's what I hear from some other languages, right?

[00:18:45] Yeah.

[00:18:45] Self-murder.

[00:18:46] That's an interesting thing to think about.

[00:18:48] Yeah, it's pretty rough.

[00:18:50] Right.

[00:18:51] It's a very strong word.

[00:18:53] I'm not surprised that that's what it is in many languages.

[00:18:55] It's just, wow, murder, right?

[00:18:58] Because we know we associate what that means when you do it to somebody else.

[00:19:01] So it's rather charged.

[00:19:03] It's rather, hmm.

[00:19:05] Yeah, it's pretty goosy.

[00:19:06] I do want to hear about the stuff that's been going on that sounds more positive.

[00:19:10] But before then, about when do you start to think about not only like thinking about

[00:19:15] I don't want to be here anymore, but thinking about method.

[00:19:18] In your case, it was a rope.

[00:19:19] When did that happen again?

[00:19:21] 22, I think.

[00:19:22] So you're saying for like, what, two years or so you were thinking about a rope?

[00:19:26] Yeah.

[00:19:27] So the question, I suppose, and I know these are challenging, is like, so you're thinking

[00:19:31] about that.

[00:19:32] How do people, how do you, how does Eric live day to day?

[00:19:36] I understand you've got these conditions that make life really hard and you're thinking

[00:19:40] about this.

[00:19:41] How do you get by the day, get through the day?

[00:19:45] Survival mode, I would say.

[00:19:47] I lost my appetite in various periods, episodes.

[00:19:51] So I eat like maybe one meal a day sometimes.

[00:19:55] When I work, it's a little better.

[00:19:58] I got sleep problems since I think 15 years.

[00:20:02] And they have worse, of course.

[00:20:04] So survival mode.

[00:20:06] Yeah.

[00:20:06] I didn't have so much friends in that town that I was living in either.

[00:20:11] I just had some colleagues and focusing on the work.

[00:20:14] So that might also be a big difference because you feel very isolated and it's not good for

[00:20:20] your system.

[00:20:21] No.

[00:20:22] Yeah.

[00:20:22] So two years, I think almost every week, sometimes every day.

[00:20:27] Yeah.

[00:20:27] You never bought the rope?

[00:20:28] No.

[00:20:29] Were you ever in the store?

[00:20:31] Yeah.

[00:20:31] What stopped you from buying the rope?

[00:20:33] Afraid of death.

[00:20:34] I have a friend that has a kit in his wardrobe.

[00:20:36] He has like this kit.

[00:20:38] So I was thinking about that.

[00:20:39] Maybe I'll just buy a kit and I keep it like that.

[00:20:42] The kit is to hang yourself?

[00:20:44] Yeah.

[00:20:44] Exactly.

[00:20:45] You never bought the rope.

[00:20:46] A few weeks ago, something shifted.

[00:20:49] Maybe a different kind of tipping point.

[00:20:50] It's so strange.

[00:20:51] The last two weeks, I met this woman.

[00:20:54] I had a feeling that's what it was going to be.

[00:20:57] And it's just been 200 miles per hour.

[00:21:00] Did you guys meet online?

[00:21:02] Yeah.

[00:21:02] And you've met?

[00:21:03] We met in a small town and we just kissed on the train station.

[00:21:09] Oh, that's nice.

[00:21:11] It just continued like that.

[00:21:12] So that's been cool.

[00:21:13] Oh, it's made some difference.

[00:21:15] I mean, love or even the hope of love is a powerful, powerful thing, right?

[00:21:21] If you lose that, it's pretty serious.

[00:21:24] And I was about to lose that, I would say.

[00:21:26] Yeah.

[00:21:26] Also medicine, I would say.

[00:21:29] Oh, you got the right meds?

[00:21:30] I tried a new one, Lamotrigine.

[00:21:33] It's like a smooth stabilizer for bipolar type 2.

[00:21:36] And it has some good effect on me.

[00:21:38] So I'm glad.

[00:21:39] Did you get a diagnosis other than the things you've shared?

[00:21:43] More around like mental health that you think is accurate?

[00:21:46] Well, in episodes, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, severe depression, HDD, but I don't have that.

[00:21:56] ADHD.

[00:21:57] Yeah.

[00:21:57] I just wanted the amphetamine.

[00:22:01] Get that, bro.

[00:22:02] Give me some.

[00:22:02] So here you are and you're talking with me.

[00:22:04] Is that your apartment?

[00:22:05] Yeah, it is.

[00:22:06] How long have you been living there?

[00:22:08] Five months.

[00:22:09] So yeah, closer to my friends now.

[00:22:12] You mentioned friends and a woman you met and you mentioned some family.

[00:22:16] And I'm wondering, of those people, how many know the following?

[00:22:21] That Eric almost bought a rope.

[00:22:24] Maybe three friends knows that.

[00:22:27] Maybe six friends knows that I'm participating in this.

[00:22:32] You knew where I was going with that question.

[00:22:35] Yeah.

[00:22:36] That's somebody who listens to the podcast.

[00:22:39] So a few friends know about the rope.

[00:22:41] A few more friends know about the fact that we're talking.

[00:22:44] Have they been, I imagine they were supportive or they'd probably not be your friends, right?

[00:22:50] Did anybody say like, what the fuck?

[00:22:52] What are you doing?

[00:22:53] No, they didn't.

[00:22:54] They're supporting, but many people don't know what to say.

[00:22:58] Right.

[00:22:59] And they feel powerless, I think.

[00:23:01] Especially when they ask, well, what's on your mind when you think about that?

[00:23:06] And I'm like, my fucking chronic diseases.

[00:23:10] Right.

[00:23:10] And they're like, oh, I wish I could take them away.

[00:23:14] Yeah.

[00:23:15] So they make the best of it.

[00:23:17] But what would you want them to ask if not that?

[00:23:21] Actually just stay there and be curious.

[00:23:25] Yeah.

[00:23:26] Open and curious.

[00:23:27] Right.

[00:23:28] If you're comfortable talking about it yourself, it's easier.

[00:23:32] It's like this mirror, you know, when you feel afraid.

[00:23:35] Of course, you affect the people that you talk to.

[00:23:38] Yeah.

[00:23:39] It goes both ways.

[00:23:40] Did you ever regret not buying the rope?

[00:23:44] I guess that's a weird question because you would have just bought the rope.

[00:23:47] But yeah, I'm just wondering, was there ever a period of time where you thought, man, maybe...

[00:23:51] I'm glad I didn't buy it because it's not a nice thing to keep.

[00:23:55] It's a comfort thing maybe, but...

[00:23:57] Why did you choose the rope as opposed to other ways or methods?

[00:24:00] Because I've heard that many people get like pills, for example.

[00:24:06] Some people get in a wheelchair with a damaged brain.

[00:24:09] Jumping a train, no, it's too brutal.

[00:24:12] Jumping from heights, I'm afraid of heights.

[00:24:14] If you were in the United States, you'd just get a gun.

[00:24:17] The gun thing, yeah.

[00:24:18] Guns are not common here.

[00:24:20] It's very brutal on the scene with a gun.

[00:24:23] Right.

[00:24:23] That's true.

[00:24:24] So I want to take care of the people that find me.

[00:24:27] I mean, a rope and a hanging body is not so nice either, but...

[00:24:31] Right.

[00:24:31] I mean, there's no nice in a really nice way.

[00:24:35] Yeah.

[00:24:35] Illegal suicide in Belgium is quite nice.

[00:24:38] All the relatives are there.

[00:24:40] They put a needle in the blood and they just zoom out slowly.

[00:24:44] I think slowly we're moving more in that direction.

[00:24:47] Including Belgium.

[00:24:48] I'm surprised.

[00:24:49] So in Sweden, 100% you cannot do anything like that?

[00:24:52] No.

[00:24:53] In Denmark, I think you can have assisted death if you're very old to avoid suffering when

[00:25:00] you're very ill, I think.

[00:25:01] Suicide tends to be rather stigmatized.

[00:25:04] People don't talk much about it.

[00:25:06] There's a lot of judgment.

[00:25:08] Is it that way from your experience in Sweden?

[00:25:12] Because Scandinavia, from our perspective, tends to be, and I'm grouping those countries

[00:25:16] together.

[00:25:17] I know they're all different.

[00:25:18] A little bit more open and liberal about some things.

[00:25:21] Does that also apply to suicide or is that different?

[00:25:24] There's a lot of organizations that do help.

[00:25:28] You can call for help.

[00:25:29] You can talk to someone.

[00:25:31] Suicide Zero.

[00:25:33] So there's a lot of...

[00:25:34] I think the government has made a goal for 10 years, they're going to lower the...

[00:25:41] I think it's 1,500 a year.

[00:25:44] 1,500 people complete.

[00:25:47] Yeah, exactly.

[00:25:47] We wonder how many try or even more, far more, are people like you.

[00:25:54] Yeah.

[00:25:55] Thinking about it, coming kind of close, walking around the store, looking for a hook.

[00:26:00] That's a large number.

[00:26:01] No doubt.

[00:26:02] No doubt.

[00:26:03] Can't measure it.

[00:26:04] We don't know.

[00:26:05] Both yes and no.

[00:26:06] To answer your question, it's not so fragile to talk about it, but it's not common and it's

[00:26:13] very...

[00:26:14] It becomes serious when you talk about it, of course.

[00:26:16] Yeah.

[00:26:17] And it seems based on the conversations I've had for this podcast and a bunch of countries,

[00:26:23] some near you, some not.

[00:26:24] This is the thing.

[00:26:26] This is basically how it is most places.

[00:26:28] I love to that different countries participate in this.

[00:26:32] Yeah.

[00:26:32] I really like hearing from different people in different places too, a lot.

[00:26:35] And I'm glad that you are doing this with me because selfishly, you're in Sweden.

[00:26:39] Yeah.

[00:26:40] We got Denmark.

[00:26:41] We got Sweden.

[00:26:42] We got Finland.

[00:26:43] We need Norway.

[00:26:44] I need Lithuania.

[00:26:45] I don't know why I'm jumping over to the Baltic, but...

[00:26:47] Well, it's just a matter of time, I think.

[00:26:49] Yeah.

[00:26:50] So if you're alopecia and tinnitus...

[00:26:54] Yeah.

[00:26:55] Some people say tinnitus.

[00:26:56] Some people say tinnitus.

[00:26:57] Nah.

[00:26:58] Tomato, tomato, potato, potato.

[00:27:00] That's what we do.

[00:27:00] If those two things don't go away, and actually even more so, I would imagine, tinnitus.

[00:27:07] I know that you just met somebody and you're feeling good.

[00:27:09] And I, of course, hope that continues.

[00:27:11] And you've somehow been able to navigate your life with this tinnitus for a while.

[00:27:16] If they don't change, is it still possible that you will attempt to take your life?

[00:27:22] Those two plus loneliness?

[00:27:24] Yes.

[00:27:24] If you hadn't met the woman, would this conversation be different?

[00:27:28] A bit different, yeah.

[00:27:30] How so?

[00:27:31] I know you have to kind of speculate or imagine, but...

[00:27:34] Because the week I was turning 40 was the worst week in my entire life.

[00:27:39] It's culminating those last two months.

[00:27:43] I've had semester, actually, vacation.

[00:27:46] I wasn't stressed out or something.

[00:27:48] It just became bigger and bigger.

[00:27:49] So you'd probably answer this question differently had you not met the woman.

[00:27:55] And the question is, and you've heard it, the pink and purple pill question.

[00:28:00] I magically give Eric a magical pill.

[00:28:02] It happens to be colored purple and pink or pink and purple.

[00:28:06] If he chooses to take the pill, he goes to sleep.

[00:28:09] He dies without any pain.

[00:28:12] Nobody knows it's a suicide.

[00:28:13] They just think Eric died in his sleep.

[00:28:15] What do you do with that pill?

[00:28:17] Save it.

[00:28:17] Where?

[00:28:18] In a little beautiful pearl box.

[00:28:21] Right.

[00:28:22] And we have to decide if there's an expiration date.

[00:28:24] So we won't have an expiration date on this pill.

[00:28:26] So it will be effective.

[00:28:28] It will not lose its efficacy, if that's the right word.

[00:28:32] Indefinitely for the future.

[00:28:34] Beautiful.

[00:28:34] I mean, good.

[00:28:36] All right.

[00:28:37] So you're not taking it now.

[00:28:38] You're holding on to it.

[00:28:39] If things go the way they are, who knows?

[00:28:42] But if you're dealing with what you're dealing with and the loneliness, who knows?

[00:28:46] Yeah.

[00:28:47] There's something about your space right now with it being a little dark, then like the

[00:28:51] glowing light behind you.

[00:28:53] That is so perfect for this podcast.

[00:28:55] But I can't tell you exactly why.

[00:28:57] It's just like the right visual.

[00:29:00] I don't use the visual.

[00:29:01] Nobody's going to see you.

[00:29:02] But I'm just saying it just works.

[00:29:04] It works.

[00:29:05] It's just like a little, you know what I mean?

[00:29:08] It's like dark, but a little bit of light.

[00:29:11] Are there any myths or misconceptions you want to discuss or dispel?

[00:29:15] A lot of people have said cowardness.

[00:29:18] The thing I would say primarily is that it's weak.

[00:29:22] I think it's the most tough decision anyone can do to make that step.

[00:29:28] It takes some pretty fucking guts to do that.

[00:29:31] I wonder why people think it's weak.

[00:29:35] I don't know if there's an answer to that.

[00:29:37] I just wonder where that comes from.

[00:29:39] It could be connected to the shame and selfishness discussion.

[00:29:43] Yeah, I'm sure it is.

[00:29:44] So it's like a response to that.

[00:29:47] So it is early October now.

[00:29:50] It's starting to get dark, I imagine.

[00:29:52] It is, yeah.

[00:29:54] So what time does the sun go down now?

[00:29:56] Half past six.

[00:29:57] In the middle of winter at its peak, when does the sun go down?

[00:30:01] Three.

[00:30:02] So there's not that much sunlight.

[00:30:05] No, it's very dark, yeah.

[00:30:06] And cold, obviously.

[00:30:08] Yeah.

[00:30:08] So does that affect your mood?

[00:30:10] In later years, yes.

[00:30:11] I would rather be in Italy or...

[00:30:15] Let's go to Greece or something.

[00:30:17] Yeah.

[00:30:17] Pretty sure a lot of people feel the same way.

[00:30:20] Croatia, Portugal.

[00:30:22] Is there a question that I don't ask from the episodes you've heard that you think would

[00:30:27] be a good question to ask?

[00:30:28] Or something to talk about that I don't typically bring up?

[00:30:31] I don't think so.

[00:30:32] Oh, I'm fucking good at this.

[00:30:34] Are you working these days?

[00:30:35] I've been on sick leave for four weeks now after the vacation.

[00:30:39] And I'm starting on Monday, actually.

[00:30:42] But maybe part-time.

[00:30:43] Same kind of work?

[00:30:45] Yeah.

[00:30:45] Yeah, I'm always curious how people spend their time.

[00:30:48] So are you...

[00:30:49] You're going to be hopping online with the woman.

[00:30:51] That's what you're doing.

[00:30:53] Yeah.

[00:30:53] That's what your night is, right?

[00:30:54] Talking to the woman?

[00:30:55] Yes.

[00:30:56] She lives in another town, so...

[00:30:58] Swedish, though.

[00:30:59] Yeah, Swedish.

[00:31:00] Half-Finnish.

[00:31:01] Oh, okay.

[00:31:03] Because in some ways, like Denmark, Norway, and Sweden have some similarities.

[00:31:08] But Finland's just different.

[00:31:09] I love it.

[00:31:10] They're very sincere.

[00:31:12] And they're very clear and evident in the communication.

[00:31:17] No funny stuff.

[00:31:18] No bullshit.

[00:31:19] Yeah.

[00:31:19] Humor, of course, but no bullshit.

[00:31:21] Yeah.

[00:31:22] That is refreshing.

[00:31:23] But at the same time, a little traumatic because of the old war and a lot of alcoholism.

[00:31:29] A lot of alcoholism, yeah.

[00:31:31] When you were struggling, whether now or then, but particularly the last four years, how did

[00:31:37] you cope?

[00:31:38] And so some people will drink, some people will drug, some people will do this.

[00:31:42] Like, did you have a thing that you could just do to get through the day?

[00:31:45] Yeah.

[00:31:46] Yeah.

[00:31:47] I was sleeping to 12.

[00:31:48] I was having a small breakfast and a coffee.

[00:31:52] And then at 3 p.m., I would get a little anxious, low mood, and I would have a beer, half pint.

[00:32:00] Then I would just wait for the beer to go out from my blood system.

[00:32:04] And I would take a small dosage of antipsychotics that they use for anxiety.

[00:32:12] So it's survival mode, yeah.

[00:32:14] So what do you do now to survive?

[00:32:16] Because you still have a lot of the stuff you had.

[00:32:18] I know they said the medication's helping.

[00:32:20] I know a little love helps.

[00:32:22] But what else, if anything?

[00:32:24] Music has always been my loved one.

[00:32:27] Friends, very important.

[00:32:28] I forget all my diseases when I'm with friends.

[00:32:31] And exercise, of course, but it's the most boring thing I know to exercise.

[00:32:36] I would rather do dishes.

[00:32:39] Why can't we create something where as you're doing the dishes, you're getting exercise?

[00:32:44] Yeah.

[00:32:44] Combine these activities.

[00:32:45] That's a funny view.

[00:32:46] But the summer here has been so good also in terms of weather and also the autumn.

[00:32:51] So, I mean, climate change, it's in the background.

[00:32:54] Yeah.

[00:32:55] When this episode comes out, I don't have an exact date, but it won't be too far from now.

[00:33:00] Will you listen, do you think?

[00:33:01] Do you want to hear your own voice?

[00:33:03] Yeah, I'm not sure.

[00:33:04] I think I would listen once maybe.

[00:33:06] Yeah.

[00:33:06] Do you think it's the kind of thing you would share with friends or family?

[00:33:10] If they want details, they can listen, of course.

[00:33:12] But yeah.

[00:33:12] I think for some people, it's a way to talk about it and have people hear it, but without

[00:33:17] having to actually have the conversation, right?

[00:33:19] They can just say, hey, here's the link.

[00:33:20] And if you want to hear it, that's like an interesting thing that I, when I started the

[00:33:24] podcast, I didn't really think of that as an, uh, like a potentially important

[00:33:28] thing, but I do think people use it for that.

[00:33:30] It's hard having those conversations, but if you're just like listening on your phone,

[00:33:35] you know, it's different, but still informative.

[00:33:38] Yeah.

[00:33:38] I think it's, it's very big in Sweden.

[00:33:40] And, uh, like this myth of if you speak about suicide, you, you make it a bigger risk.

[00:33:45] That is just fucking bullshit.

[00:33:47] Yeah.

[00:33:48] It's changing, but it's still strong.

[00:33:50] I would say that kind of view.

[00:33:52] Oh yeah.

[00:33:53] It can be changing, but still take who knows how long and maybe it'll never go away.

[00:33:58] I would say it's the opposite.

[00:33:59] I mean, it depends on how you talk about it, but yes.

[00:34:02] In your case, on your podcast, it's, uh, it's, it's very simple.

[00:34:07] It really is Eric.

[00:34:08] And you ask questions about it.

[00:34:10] I've said from the beginning, this is not very complicated.

[00:34:13] I'm just surprised.

[00:34:14] I'm the only one I think doing something like this.

[00:34:16] Maybe I'm not.

[00:34:17] I'm not sure about the memory title thing, but.

[00:34:20] Damn it.

[00:34:20] I was about to bring that up.

[00:34:22] Well, you brought something up, but I wanted to say you, you make a very good point.

[00:34:26] You've made many good points, but it's not, it's not just that we talk about it.

[00:34:30] It is how is the, how is the key?

[00:34:33] Yeah, it is.

[00:34:34] Let's get to this fucking memoir title.

[00:34:37] I don't know right now what it is.

[00:34:41] Okay.

[00:34:41] I'll be very transparent about that.

[00:34:44] You have a list.

[00:34:44] No, I was writing other stuff down.

[00:34:47] Did you have a memoir title in mind?

[00:34:49] Cause you might, you've heard the podcast.

[00:34:51] Maybe something, you know, was in your head a little bit.

[00:34:53] No, nothing.

[00:34:54] I'm just on my fucking own trying to do this.

[00:34:57] Yeah, you are.

[00:34:58] Sorry.

[00:34:59] You can do it during the editing.

[00:35:01] What else would you like to share before we get back to our, our lives?

[00:35:06] I hope that you get some people that can edit for you without lowering the quality or,

[00:35:14] and that you continue doing this.

[00:35:16] I love it.

[00:35:17] Thanks man.

[00:35:18] Me too.

[00:35:19] More people, more places, more countries, maybe even some fancy technology to have me

[00:35:24] so we can do it and reach more people.

[00:35:26] Cause most people don't speak English in the world.

[00:35:28] Are you tired of it in some ways?

[00:35:31] No, I am not tired of it.

[00:35:33] No, because even though, yeah, I tend to ask some similar things.

[00:35:38] There's a lot of over, not a lot, but there's some overlap despite everyone being very unique.

[00:35:42] You know, you hear some similar things over and over again, but I just enjoy it.

[00:35:46] And I think everybody, even despite what people tend to think, and they share this with me

[00:35:49] sometimes, I do think that it helps people.

[00:35:53] They'll say like, oh, my story is boring or no one will care.

[00:35:57] You know, well, you can decide that for yourself, but people will hear it.

[00:36:01] You just don't know the effect it has.

[00:36:03] Whatever the reasons are, that particular person resonates with you and it helps a little bit.

[00:36:07] But one thing I've got in mind now is like, even though I mentioned the diseases as a part factor

[00:36:14] for becoming to those tipping points, I think the depression is the leading factor,

[00:36:23] like a chain reaction.

[00:36:25] When you look in your mirror and people noticing that you're not feeling well,

[00:36:29] it's pretty obvious, becomes embodiment.

[00:36:32] Embodied?

[00:36:33] People in your life, and you've gone through some physical changes too,

[00:36:36] but what you're specifically talking about is the fact that they just know you're not doing well.

[00:36:40] They can see it, they can feel it.

[00:36:41] Yeah.

[00:36:42] And also that the depression is the strongest force, I would think, to desperation and hopelessness.

[00:36:48] Yeah.

[00:36:49] I don't think I could touch on how serious it is before.

[00:36:53] It's very common that people say, when you have children, you don't know until you have them.

[00:36:58] Right, right.

[00:36:59] But it's the same kind of thing in that you just don't know until you deal with it, go through it.

[00:37:04] Yeah, sometimes.

[00:37:05] For some people, anxiety is the same.

[00:37:08] All of it kind of overlaps and intersects, right?

[00:37:11] Your physical stuff, depression, anxiety.

[00:37:13] And it's easy to lose track.

[00:37:15] And it's easy to lose hope.

[00:37:17] Isn't it cool that I'm in the United States and you're in Sweden and we can talk about this and

[00:37:21] then people will hear it?

[00:37:23] Isn't that crazy?

[00:37:23] It's awesome.

[00:37:24] On their phone.

[00:37:25] It's awesome.

[00:37:26] Someone, you need Wi-Fi or something like that, right?

[00:37:29] And you need a phone.

[00:37:30] You could just have a phone walking around the hills somewhere in whatever town or country.

[00:37:36] Yeah, it's interesting.

[00:37:37] It takes some...

[00:37:39] It's pretty bold to start something like that.

[00:37:42] I guess so.

[00:37:43] I mean, what's the real risk?

[00:37:44] Yeah, that's the rawness I like.

[00:37:48] Like you speak with people with experience of suicide.

[00:37:51] Yeah.

[00:37:52] Period.

[00:37:53] Period.

[00:37:54] If they share their own experience and you don't escalate something or, you know...

[00:37:59] I don't encourage people to take their lives.

[00:38:01] You don't.

[00:38:02] That's obvious.

[00:38:03] But I don't actively discourage it.

[00:38:05] It's just not what my guess is about.

[00:38:07] But the reason I don't...

[00:38:09] Well, one, it's just not my style.

[00:38:11] But also, it will change the conversation.

[00:38:13] People will not...

[00:38:14] I believe people will not be as honest.

[00:38:17] I think it's some similarities to the care system also.

[00:38:22] To make a conversation about this, obviously, it doesn't work so good because people don't

[00:38:28] share.

[00:38:29] So, something needs to change.

[00:38:32] And I don't pretend that I'm doing all things.

[00:38:34] I'm just trying to do one thing.

[00:38:36] But it also is the relation like people are not saviors.

[00:38:40] And that's a key also to...

[00:38:41] And this is maybe controversial, but my view on my work is that I'm not a savior.

[00:38:48] I can't decide what to do.

[00:38:51] I can't carry the patient.

[00:38:54] Even though it's a child and I don't think it's good.

[00:38:57] Because if you want to give power to someone, just let the power grow.

[00:39:02] I think people have a hard time...

[00:39:04] Not all people.

[00:39:04] Some people might have a hard time understanding like, well, what's the real value of just having

[00:39:10] an open conversation without all the bullshit?

[00:39:13] Like, how does that actually help somebody who's in the conversation with somebody who

[00:39:16] hears it?

[00:39:17] And I think...

[00:39:18] And I'm judgmental in this case.

[00:39:20] I'm like, have you ever suffered?

[00:39:22] Surely you have.

[00:39:23] And maybe you're somebody who doesn't benefit from that.

[00:39:25] But okay.

[00:39:25] So, my thinking from the start was always, how do I...

[00:39:29] And honestly, I think I'm just doing the right work for me.

[00:39:32] This isn't hard.

[00:39:33] I didn't need to get training.

[00:39:34] I didn't need to read books on how to communicate effectively with people who want to...

[00:39:38] No.

[00:39:38] I mean...

[00:39:39] So, not to brag.

[00:39:40] I just think I'm in the right spot for me.

[00:39:42] And I've hopefully gotten better over doing it.

[00:39:45] Hopefully.

[00:39:45] But my thinking was always...

[00:39:48] My brain, here's the word I use.

[00:39:49] I don't know.

[00:39:49] How do you continue to open the conversation?

[00:39:52] Just not close it.

[00:39:52] Like, maximize the openness.

[00:39:54] See where it goes.

[00:39:55] I've got some questions that I tend to ask.

[00:39:58] But just open it up.

[00:39:59] See where it goes.

[00:40:00] And then the other part is just when people are talking, I know it can be very hard for

[00:40:03] them to sort of stay on track.

[00:40:05] It can be hard.

[00:40:06] Yeah.

[00:40:06] It makes it freely.

[00:40:07] Makes it freely.

[00:40:08] I don't think it's a coincidence that you're American because you have like this liberal way

[00:40:13] of doing things.

[00:40:15] Like grassroots, group therapy in prisons.

[00:40:19] I mean, just starting doing things.

[00:40:21] Trying stuff.

[00:40:22] Right.

[00:40:23] For better or worse.

[00:40:24] By the way, Eric, before we go, I do think that your memoir title should include the word

[00:40:30] silence.

[00:40:30] Thanks again, man.

[00:40:31] I really appreciate it.

[00:40:32] And I am wishing you as much as anything else.

[00:40:36] I hope things go well with me.

[00:40:38] That's it.

[00:40:39] I'll say that.

[00:40:39] Thanks a lot.

[00:40:40] All right, Eric.

[00:40:41] Take care, my friend.

[00:40:42] You too.

[00:40:42] Bye.

[00:40:45] As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support.

[00:40:48] Special thanks to Eric in Sweden.

[00:40:51] Thanks, Eric.

[00:40:51] If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:40:55] Hello at suicidenoted.com on Facebook or X.

[00:40:58] At least for now, at Suicide Noted.

[00:41:01] Check the show notes to learn more about this podcast, including our membership.

[00:41:06] We would love that kind of support, but however you support or are involved, listen actively

[00:41:12] or casually or whatever it is.

[00:41:14] Thank you.

[00:41:16] And that is all for episode number 235.

[00:41:18] Stay strong.

[00:41:19] Do the best you can.

[00:41:21] I'll talk to you soon.