Eddie in South Africa 🇿🇦

[00:00:36] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories. Every year around the world, millions, and I mean many millions of people try to end their lives and we almost never know what they're going to do.

[00:00:50] We certainly don't talk about it enough. And when we do talk about it, many of us, including me, we're just not very good at it. So one of my goals with this podcast is to continue having conversations with suicide attempt survivors in large part to help more people in more places hopefully feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. Now if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you would like to talk, please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com on Facebook or X at Suicide Noted.

[00:01:18] And of course you can check the show notes to learn about all kinds of other things related to this podcast, including our membership. And a huge thanks to a recent lifetime member. I don't know if I have permission to use her name. I will ask and thank her publicly later, but until then, you know who you are and thank you. However you are involved in this podcast, support this podcast, simply listening. Well, thank you very much. I want to share something else that I've been thinking about, exploring, and working on more recently.

[00:01:44] I am setting up a training to help people learn or improve their ability to facilitate these kinds of conversations. Not necessarily with suicide attempt survivors, perhaps things in which you have lived experience. And there are others out there who you might want to connect with and potentially have a niche podcast of your own.

[00:02:04] I will, when it is ready, and that will be soon, include a link in the show notes. If you'd like to learn more, perhaps you know someone who would like to learn more. I'm really excited about this and I will keep you posted.

[00:02:15] Finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast and I don't hold back, so please take that into account before you listen or as you listen. But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn.

[00:02:26] Today, I am talking with Eddie. Eddie lives in South Africa and he is a suicide attempt survivor.

[00:02:34] Eddie in South Africa. How are you doing?

[00:02:39] A lot of energy here. Am I calling you Eddie? Is that okay?

[00:02:42] Yeah, that's perfect. That is perfect. Everybody calls me Eddie pretty much. So that's like, yeah, that's my name, I guess. So lovely to meet you. Yeah.

[00:02:53] It is nice to meet you too, Eddie. Just a couple of guys talking about suicide.

[00:02:59] Not everybody, no. Your podcast is so profound and original. And what I love about your podcast is the diversity that it includes, like people from all over the world, you know, like the variety. It's just like, it's such a unique podcast.

[00:03:17] There's nothing like it. And to be able to hear everybody's story. I learned so much, you know, what an interesting bunch of people. It's really inspiring. I think what you're doing is building like a camaraderie and a community.

[00:03:33] And I think you can be really, really proud of yourself for what you're doing. It's awesome. I think you are changing a lot of lives and we are here for each other, uplifting each other. It's awesome, Sean. So congratulations, man.

[00:03:45] That does feel good to hear, you know, but I'll also say, you know, the podcast wouldn't exist if people like you and, you know, a good number of others say, okay, I, I, uh, I'm willing to talk to this stranger essentially not, you know, sometimes they hear my voice a few times and I don't feel maybe like a stranger, but kind of I am. They're like, I'm going to come on with this dude and talk about this stuff. And some people don't talk about it with anybody. Some do, you know, it goes both ways. You're in South Africa.

[00:04:12] Yes. I'm very, very, very blessed. Um, I grew up, actually, I grew up in Jeffries Bay, uh, Jay Bay. It is, uh, the surf capital of the world. One of the surf capitals of the world. I think it is the second best surfing destination after Hawaii, but it's also like the, the best right hand break in the world.

[00:04:33] So every year we've got surfers from all over Brazil, America, the States, you name it. They come down to my, to my little town, you know, surf the all time great wave. It's every surfers dream to, to come to Jeffries Bay and surf this, this type of wave because it breaks in like a unique way. Yeah. That is pretty much my life. And I'm really grateful for it. And, and I think it is a very beautiful community.

[00:05:00] The surfing community, they, they are the people that keep me going and I'm really blessed to be able to wake up every morning and I'm really lucky. You know, I'm really, I've got so much to be grateful for honestly, but I'm suicidal.

[00:05:13] Yeah. That's fascinating. Really? The way you frame it. I appreciate what you're sharing. And it's like, you talked about diversity earlier and that's a kind of diversity. I don't have the numbers, but I would say, oh, it's not super common that somebody says all of these things about their lives, how grateful they are. They've got this beautiful beach and, and I'm suicidal. And we're going to talk more about that than surfing. Cause that's a different podcast, but it plays a role in your life. So it's part of the conversation for sure.

[00:05:41] So I'm guessing looking at what are you in your, what are you thirties?

[00:05:44] Yeah. I'm in my thirties.

[00:05:46] Can we start with when you first thought about this kind of thing? Seriously?

[00:05:50] It started when I was, I think like 19, 19 was probably the worst time of my life. Cause you, you're like a teenager and the hormones fluctuate. And yeah, I just thought it's weird. I just started becoming depressed at 19. Everything happened, you know, and it was at 19 where I can recall.

[00:06:10] I remember I took a sleeping tablets. So yeah, overdosed on sleeping tablets. I was in this, in a flat of mine in this apartment, this room, and I locked it. You know, the funny thing is Sean still to this day.

[00:06:23] I don't know how, how they found me because I locked my door. I didn't tell anybody that I overdosed on these sleeping pills. I woke up in the hospital. Still to this day.

[00:06:33] I don't know how anyone knew that I overdosed. That was the first time. I mean, this was like 2007 and you know, it felt like yesterday.

[00:06:42] Let me ask you a few questions about that, right? Before I ask that, how many attempts do you have?

[00:06:46] I've only had two.

[00:06:47] Okay. Only, right. Only two. Okay. I got it. But I'm curious about something. So when you're 19, again, I don't know what was happening in your life up until 19, but it is interesting to hear.

[00:06:58] And maybe not uncommon, right? A lot of changes. You're feeling depressed. You are depressed. Things are dark. I'm using some of my words here. So if I'm wrong, please tell me.

[00:07:07] But to make the jump to try to end your life is a big jump, right? As best you can recall or articulate here, like what is happening that you go from being really down to taking pills to end your life?

[00:07:20] I don't know. I was diagnosed with depression. I honestly don't know. Like I'm saying, you don't know what comes over you at 19.

[00:07:30] And obviously, I think I felt a lot of rejection throughout my whole life growing up in an abusive household. I mean, my father was an alcoholic.

[00:07:39] And a lot of people that speak on your podcast, they do mention that they come, not everybody, but majority, they come from childhood abuse or childhood trauma.

[00:07:49] And it does affect you. But I mean, I can't blame my father for the fact that I'm depressed.

[00:07:55] You know, the older I'm getting, you need to take responsibility for the things that you've done.

[00:08:00] And yeah, it's something that you can't explain. Depression is something that nobody understands.

[00:08:07] That's why when I listen to this podcast, I can completely relate.

[00:08:11] Like I know how these people feel. Like it's dark.

[00:08:15] You feel hopeless. You feel despondent, discouraged.

[00:08:17] It's like this deepness, like you suck into a hole.

[00:08:20] And the word depression, it's not a feeling. Depression is an illness.

[00:08:25] It's a chemical imbalance. We need to set the record straight.

[00:08:29] The word thing gets tricky because people will say, I'm feeling depressed.

[00:08:33] That's just a language limitation, right?

[00:08:35] Like that and having depression.

[00:08:38] Sure, there's some overlap, but it can get a little wonky there.

[00:08:42] So you make this decision at 19, you overdose on pills.

[00:08:45] Obviously, it's not, you don't complete.

[00:08:48] You go to a hospital, you don't remember much.

[00:08:50] Do you remember if the hospital was at all helpful or at least not shitty or nothing?

[00:08:53] Super helpful.

[00:08:55] I've only honestly shown I've only ever been blessed by the amount of support that I've received from doctors,

[00:09:00] my family, my sisters, my father even, you know, at the time.

[00:09:04] And, you know, if I have to just say this on the podcast, my father actually took his own life in 2018.

[00:09:11] He took his own life, sadly.

[00:09:13] But I've moved on from that.

[00:09:15] And I'm not angry with my father, but I understand how he felt in that moment.

[00:09:22] I completely understand.

[00:09:23] You become so impulsive.

[00:09:26] It was an overdose and you, I really forgive him.

[00:09:28] He was obviously under the influence, but you know what?

[00:09:31] We've all come from a bad past.

[00:09:34] Like, I'm not going to play like this.

[00:09:35] Oh, my sobby story.

[00:09:37] Woe is me.

[00:09:38] I think every single person under the sun, they face trials and tribulations.

[00:09:42] It's a part of being human.

[00:09:45] Nobody's life is perfect.

[00:09:46] It's just the way that it is.

[00:09:48] And I just so happen to have depression.

[00:09:50] And people look at me as this happy-go-lucky guy in my community.

[00:09:54] But the reality is I'm actually, I'm broken.

[00:09:57] I'm still growing.

[00:09:58] I'm still healing from a lot of things, just like everybody else.

[00:10:02] Yeah.

[00:10:03] When was the second attempt?

[00:10:04] So the second attempt, I was 24 years old.

[00:10:07] So the first one was 19.

[00:10:09] Second one was like 24.

[00:10:12] And it was again on sleeping tablets, the same sleeping tablets that I took when I was 19.

[00:10:17] This time, it's actually a funny story.

[00:10:20] I overdosed.

[00:10:21] And for some reason, mothers, they always, mothers, they have this intuition.

[00:10:26] They just know when their child's up to something.

[00:10:29] Mothers just have this knowing.

[00:10:31] And so my mom walked into my room.

[00:10:33] I was already passed out or I was already in a coma.

[00:10:35] And she knew I overdosed because she spotted the tablet discs in the bin.

[00:10:42] And then she clicked.

[00:10:43] Oh, you overdosed.

[00:10:44] And then I woke up in the hospital again.

[00:10:47] So I've kind of, I've been lucky twice in a row.

[00:10:51] I've really been lucky.

[00:10:52] It was a lot of my time.

[00:10:53] Like I'm still alive.

[00:10:55] A lot of these questions can be challenging.

[00:10:56] I understand that.

[00:10:57] So you may not have an answer.

[00:10:59] It's all good.

[00:11:00] Either attempt, you took sleeping tablets.

[00:11:02] I don't know how many.

[00:11:03] I don't think it really matters.

[00:11:05] But the question is, upon reflection, did you want to die either of those attempts?

[00:11:10] Yes, of course.

[00:11:12] 100%.

[00:11:12] 100% for both.

[00:11:13] It wasn't just, for example, I was in a lot of pain.

[00:11:17] I wanted the pain to go away.

[00:11:18] It was, and I wanted out.

[00:11:20] Yeah.

[00:11:21] Like emotionally, you are tired.

[00:11:24] You are spiritually, mentally, emotionally.

[00:11:27] You feel rejected.

[00:11:29] Like this isolation.

[00:11:31] You feel alienated from everybody.

[00:11:33] You feel alone.

[00:11:34] I'm sure we all get to that dark place.

[00:11:37] All of us.

[00:11:38] But this so just happened at the age of 19 and 24.

[00:11:41] Yeah.

[00:11:41] I wanted to die, man.

[00:11:42] I just wanted to end it.

[00:11:43] Yeah.

[00:11:43] And it's interesting because you share that you've had a very supportive and it sounds

[00:11:47] like somewhat, I don't know, effective.

[00:11:49] What's the word here?

[00:11:50] People in your life, including professionals, have been helpful and supportive.

[00:11:54] Yet, and I don't know if this is a fair statement, you get out at 19, you were getting

[00:11:59] help.

[00:12:00] 24, you try.

[00:12:02] So that's just pointing out, you can be getting positive support.

[00:12:06] Still, it may not be enough.

[00:12:08] Of course.

[00:12:09] Yes.

[00:12:09] And we're here now, several years after your second attempt and your words, you're suicidal.

[00:12:15] Yes.

[00:12:16] I'm still suicidal.

[00:12:17] I'm not going to lie.

[00:12:18] I'm called a spade a spade.

[00:12:19] Why do we have to hide from this?

[00:12:23] It's a stigma.

[00:12:24] We all know it's a stigma.

[00:12:26] And if you tell someone you're suicidal or first thing, they put up their guard like,

[00:12:30] you know, you are crazy.

[00:12:32] You know, there's something wrong with you.

[00:12:34] You psycho.

[00:12:35] So it's very much something that you didn't talk about in the 80s or the 90s.

[00:12:40] I mean, even 20 years ago, depression and mental health, it wasn't really a thing.

[00:12:46] You know, like this word mental health only really became like a thing.

[00:12:51] I'd say, I don't know, before COVID, I'd say like 2015, round about there.

[00:12:55] I don't know.

[00:12:56] But it wasn't a thing like when I was in my teens for social media, I do have my days where

[00:13:02] I feel, man, I could just walk in front of a truck or I just want to hang myself or

[00:13:06] I just want to shoot myself or shit, like drink poison.

[00:13:10] Like you think of every single way possible and how to just off yourself.

[00:13:15] But I don't think I will ever have the guts.

[00:13:17] I don't think I'll ever have the guts to do that.

[00:13:20] I think about it.

[00:13:21] I think there's a difference between having passive suicidal thoughts and actually acting

[00:13:27] upon them.

[00:13:28] It really affects the community.

[00:13:31] I mean, in my town where I grew up, there was a girl at the age of 14 who I knew she was

[00:13:35] like an acquaintance and she hanged herself and trigger alert.

[00:13:38] Like it's still to this day affects me, but we weren't friends.

[00:13:43] She was just someone who was a part of the community.

[00:13:46] And I think about it all the time.

[00:13:48] I'm like, damn, you know, like this happened when this was like 2017.

[00:13:53] It really does affect if it affects a whole community.

[00:13:56] So I know that if I do end up following through, it will affect a lot of people.

[00:14:02] I think it will damage my community.

[00:14:04] It will really hurt my sisters.

[00:14:06] I mean, I've got two amazing sisters and I've got honestly, if there's one thing about

[00:14:11] me, I have the best friends in the world.

[00:14:12] My friends are the most amazing people in the world, but yet I am depressed and suicidal.

[00:14:16] It's just the irony.

[00:14:18] I'm not looking for, how can I say, I'm not looking for attention.

[00:14:21] That just is what it is.

[00:14:23] Let me ask you a question.

[00:14:25] I usually ask this later, but given what you just shared and you talked about the impact

[00:14:28] it would have on your community, including family and friends.

[00:14:31] You've heard the podcast.

[00:14:32] So let me ask you this question right away, like earlier than usual, which is the pink and

[00:14:37] purple pill question because we get rid of pain and we get rid of any stigma associated

[00:14:40] with suicide.

[00:14:41] Have you heard that question?

[00:14:42] Yes.

[00:14:43] So just for our audience, I give Eddie the pill and he takes it if he chooses to and he

[00:14:47] goes to sleep and he doesn't suffer and he dies, but nobody knows the suicide.

[00:14:51] They just think it's a perhaps tragic end to a young man's life.

[00:14:55] What would you do?

[00:14:56] Just the tragic end.

[00:14:58] Like I would want to die.

[00:15:01] Just they mustn't know that it's suicide basically.

[00:15:03] So I would just want to end it.

[00:15:05] Yeah.

[00:15:05] Like I give you the pill now and we get off the call, you take the pill.

[00:15:09] I'll take the pill.

[00:15:10] Yeah.

[00:15:10] So no more surfing.

[00:15:11] Oh, that's a good question.

[00:15:13] Damn.

[00:15:14] Yeah.

[00:15:14] I think surfing is what keeps me going, to be honest.

[00:15:17] I really do think that surfing is my saving grace and the community.

[00:15:23] And a lot of people say it's selfish.

[00:15:25] You know, I got a bit pissed off because my brother-in-law told me, you know, it's

[00:15:28] selfish.

[00:15:29] It's a selfish thing to do.

[00:15:30] But I've heard a lot of people on the podcast saying that, isn't it selfish to keep on living

[00:15:36] because they are the ones that are constantly in pain.

[00:15:39] They just have to live.

[00:15:40] And they're in this mental anguish.

[00:15:41] They're just living for the sake of their family to be happy.

[00:15:44] I don't know if it's necessarily selfish.

[00:15:47] I think that an individual that goes through those dark thoughts, we don't know.

[00:15:53] I don't think anybody is ever in their right frame of mind before they jump off a bridge.

[00:15:58] Are you telling me that somebody that wants to jump off a bridge or shoot themselves,

[00:16:02] that person is sick?

[00:16:04] Maybe.

[00:16:04] I don't know.

[00:16:05] That's a really good question to explore, you know, and I've had these conversations.

[00:16:10] Like maybe could it be, and you know, at least for me, I think we're both just speculating

[00:16:15] because we're not other people, right?

[00:16:16] No, we're not.

[00:16:17] But like if somebody, let's say their life has gotten to the point where let's say,

[00:16:22] and I'm just making shit up here.

[00:16:24] Like they have no money.

[00:16:25] They're physically ill.

[00:16:26] Well, I'm going to use extreme examples, right?

[00:16:28] Their partner left them.

[00:16:29] Their kids don't talk to them.

[00:16:30] The community shuns them all.

[00:16:32] Like let's list the worst case scenario for everything.

[00:16:34] Could it be that a rather stable mind says, I don't like this life and I don't see a way

[00:16:39] out in which it can improve.

[00:16:41] Therefore, I'm going to leave it.

[00:16:44] I think it's possible.

[00:16:45] Some people would say, yep, that makes sense.

[00:16:48] Other people would say, well, people go through hard things they don't consider or certainly

[00:16:51] don't try to end their lives.

[00:16:52] So the very idea that this person tries to take their life, regardless of all the shitty

[00:16:57] things in their life, makes them sick.

[00:17:00] Like, is it possible that they're not sick?

[00:17:02] Yeah.

[00:17:02] Like you mean because of their circumstances?

[00:17:06] I think it, yeah.

[00:17:06] Yeah.

[00:17:07] I think that it could be a factor.

[00:17:09] It also depends on your circumstances and it's subjective.

[00:17:11] I think it depends on the person's upbringing, how they see the world.

[00:17:15] You know, we are all in that.

[00:17:16] The amazing thing is we as human beings, like we are all so different.

[00:17:19] We don't all have the same fingerprint.

[00:17:22] Like our minds, everything is different.

[00:17:23] We see the world differently, but at the same time, we are so, so alike.

[00:17:28] We all go through the same emotions and we all experience grief and loneliness and anguish

[00:17:33] all the same, but yet we don't know.

[00:17:36] I don't know.

[00:17:36] It could be financially where people just take a gun and shoot themselves or hang themselves.

[00:17:42] Like, yeah.

[00:17:43] I don't think you even think straight in that moment.

[00:17:45] You mentioned something about dealing with your dad and it was really rough.

[00:17:49] Was there other stuff growing up that was really rough?

[00:17:51] Yeah.

[00:17:51] It was just basically my dad being an alcoholic and him always being abusive around the house.

[00:17:58] And, you know, especially growing up on a farm, it was lonely.

[00:18:02] He would take out a gun and start shooting around the house.

[00:18:05] It was a very hostile environment.

[00:18:08] But I think my mother is like such a super, super strong woman.

[00:18:12] She just fought through all of it, all of those years.

[00:18:15] She's still to this day, she's a machine through all the abuse, through all her trauma

[00:18:20] that she experienced.

[00:18:21] Like, you know, growing up as a kid, you see your father beating your mother, throwing

[00:18:27] her around.

[00:18:27] And then it's only you and your two older sisters trying to take your father, to pull your father

[00:18:33] away from your mother.

[00:18:34] I mean, you're vulnerable as children.

[00:18:37] But like I'm saying, I don't, you can look at the past, but I'm not going to play, I'm

[00:18:41] not a victim of that.

[00:18:43] I've only learned from the past, just like I always learn from your regular listeners or

[00:18:49] the people that have been on this podcast before.

[00:18:51] I think everybody's got a story to tell.

[00:18:53] I think everybody is on this podcast for a reason to share their story.

[00:18:57] And I'm always open to listen.

[00:18:58] It just puts things into perspective that, you know, you know what, you are never alone.

[00:19:03] That's the beauty of your podcast.

[00:19:05] Like we are one big community from all around the world.

[00:19:08] And even though I might get those dark days where I feel like shit, you know, I just want

[00:19:12] to walk in front of a train.

[00:19:14] There are people, I'm not alone.

[00:19:16] I'm not the only one.

[00:19:18] You should have like a surfing conference, a surfing thing.

[00:19:22] Come over, come over to South Africa, some of the former guests.

[00:19:25] And the only prerequisite, you have to be a guest, but you're suffering from this thing.

[00:19:30] And Eddie's going to help you fucking surf.

[00:19:32] And then we'll have a couple of beers.

[00:19:34] I don't know if you drink, but.

[00:19:35] You know, yeah.

[00:19:36] You know what?

[00:19:36] I would, you know, you, you're saying that, but I, I, I would love that.

[00:19:40] I think if I can just help where I can, although I was, I've heard the same ones, like you've

[00:19:47] got to use your pain for the gain of other people.

[00:19:50] Maybe I've experienced these hardships in order to, to have more empathy and compassion.

[00:19:56] If I haven't gone through it, I would just be like, I wouldn't know what it would feel

[00:20:00] like to go through all of that.

[00:20:02] So, I mean, you're saying like, yeah, my house is always open for, for people.

[00:20:08] And I think my dad was also very hospitable.

[00:20:11] It's just, it's just in South Africans nature.

[00:20:13] We are very hospitable people.

[00:20:14] I really want to just love on people.

[00:20:18] Like I'm actually thankful that I've experienced those dark, dark days because now I understand

[00:20:23] it's easier for me to forgive.

[00:20:24] I understand like your pain.

[00:20:26] I want to help.

[00:20:27] I want to, I want to show love.

[00:20:29] I really want to walk a journey with you.

[00:20:31] But you know, I got up first heel myself.

[00:20:33] You, you said the word experienced in the past tense, but just to be clear here, this

[00:20:38] is not just past.

[00:20:40] Yeah.

[00:20:40] But you're saying it's been what?

[00:20:43] Several years since your second attempt.

[00:20:45] Do you think, and you answered the pink and purple pill question and you didn't hesitate

[00:20:49] much to answer that.

[00:20:50] Are you making 40?

[00:20:52] I hope not.

[00:20:53] What an interesting answer.

[00:20:55] I'm rarely surprised on this podcast.

[00:20:58] Yes.

[00:20:58] I was expecting in this lesson learned that you were going to say, hope so.

[00:21:03] To be honest with you, man, to be quite frank, I don't want to live.

[00:21:06] Like I just don't want to live.

[00:21:08] Well, this is a question I'm not supposed to ask, but I don't give a shit.

[00:21:10] It's my fucking podcast.

[00:21:12] Of course.

[00:21:12] You've certainly mentioned depression and that's not a small thing.

[00:21:16] It's a massive thing.

[00:21:17] It takes a lot of people out.

[00:21:18] Why don't you want to be alive?

[00:21:19] Really interesting question.

[00:21:21] I think it's just with being in a community and it's just being alone.

[00:21:26] I don't know.

[00:21:27] Like I genuinely feel alone.

[00:21:30] And I think it's also just missing my dad that triggered it already suffering with depression.

[00:21:36] You miss your dad.

[00:21:37] And actually I have so much to live for, but it's, it's so interesting that I get days

[00:21:43] where I do want to die.

[00:21:44] Like it makes no sense, right?

[00:21:46] Makes no sense.

[00:21:47] I don't know.

[00:21:48] And yet I've got, I've got so many people who love me, but yet.

[00:21:52] And the funny thing is like, speaking of surfing, I've often had those visions of maybe if I

[00:21:56] just get on my surfboard and take sleeping tablets and paddle out into the ocean and hopefully

[00:22:01] just drown and if shark can come and drown me and eat me and nobody will know that I took

[00:22:05] my life.

[00:22:06] They'll just think that I've drowned.

[00:22:08] Trust me.

[00:22:08] I've had those thoughts too.

[00:22:10] Crazy, right?

[00:22:11] Not when you're suffering.

[00:22:13] No, I don't think it's that crazy at all.

[00:22:14] And you often wonder what happens when you die.

[00:22:17] Like I went through a phase where I was obsessed.

[00:22:20] I became fixated on what happens in the afterlife.

[00:22:23] Like what is between this veil and next, you know, religion and, you know, there's heaven

[00:22:27] and hell and this and this and that.

[00:22:29] And no one really knows.

[00:22:30] And I would always listen to like near death experience stories and podcasts.

[00:22:35] But I think the answer is no one knows.

[00:22:37] No one knows.

[00:22:38] We don't know.

[00:22:39] Yeah.

[00:22:39] And I think it's that fear for some people that stops them.

[00:22:43] Of course.

[00:22:44] Yes.

[00:22:45] And there's this myth doctrine where you get programmed, like if you take your own life,

[00:22:51] you're going to go to hell.

[00:22:52] I don't want to get into the religion.

[00:22:53] Let's not get into that.

[00:22:55] But there's also this fear of people that are already suffering.

[00:22:59] You're already in pain.

[00:23:00] But then it's like considered a sin.

[00:23:05] This goes back, I think, to stigma and to shame and it's sinning.

[00:23:10] And there's this expression.

[00:23:11] I don't think I came up with it, but it seems to apply the space between, which is, I use

[00:23:17] that in more than one way.

[00:23:18] But for our purposes, it's like there are so many people that really don't want to be

[00:23:22] alive.

[00:23:22] But for one reason or another, and that list is probably long, they don't or won't probably

[00:23:27] won't try.

[00:23:28] Right?

[00:23:29] So you can say, well, this many people, we have an idea of how many people killed themselves

[00:23:33] in South Africa by suicide last year.

[00:23:35] We have a rough idea of how many attempted, kind of super hard to measure.

[00:23:40] And I always think about the people who are just suffering.

[00:23:42] They're on the path.

[00:23:44] They may not do it.

[00:23:45] They think about it fairly often.

[00:23:47] You know, maybe that the way you said sort of passive.

[00:23:49] I don't know really where I'm going with this, but it's like, that's not a small number.

[00:23:52] And I don't need to say that to make it dramatic.

[00:23:54] And it's just true.

[00:23:56] I'll only speak to a tiny, tiny sliver of them.

[00:24:00] Even if I do this until I die.

[00:24:02] I don't want to say it's a growing number, but it's probably not a decreasing number with

[00:24:05] all the efforts people make to try to help people in pain.

[00:24:09] I don't know.

[00:24:09] It seems like, I don't know.

[00:24:10] It's just, like I said, I wasn't going anywhere with that.

[00:24:12] But the space between feels like this sort of liminal thing that it's just like you're

[00:24:16] in it.

[00:24:17] And it's funny because one day I'll feel top of the world and the next day I'll just

[00:24:22] feel like I don't want to live.

[00:24:24] And then the next day again, I'll feel happy.

[00:24:26] I've got so much going for me.

[00:24:28] And then a week after that, I want a gun.

[00:24:31] So it's not all the time.

[00:24:32] It's like...

[00:24:33] It's not all the time.

[00:24:34] But I do think about it a lot.

[00:24:36] I was in this hotel room and it just shows you how messed up it is.

[00:24:39] Like I would look outside the window and I'd see the train on the train tracks.

[00:24:44] And the first thing that I envision is what if I just go lie in front of that train and

[00:24:48] the train just...

[00:24:49] You know, those are like the thoughts that I have to live with for the rest of my life.

[00:24:55] Yeah.

[00:24:55] Sometimes if I have a fight with someone, like let's say an argument, like I'm oversensitive.

[00:25:01] And then it's like, first thing, it's like a coping mechanism.

[00:25:05] If things don't go my way or somebody hurt me or I feel lonely or I feel upset, then my

[00:25:12] mind immediately, that voice in the head jumps to suicidal thoughts or this.

[00:25:18] Arbitrarily, it just happens.

[00:25:19] Like I'll get it and then I'll be fine and then I don't get it.

[00:25:22] But I mean, for instance, like this morning, I actually...

[00:25:25] Funny thing is I woke up super early this morning at about six and I was depressed.

[00:25:30] I wanted to end.

[00:25:31] Like I felt...

[00:25:32] I didn't want to kill myself, but I just...

[00:25:35] I had an episode.

[00:25:36] I was super depressed this morning, actually.

[00:25:38] Walked up, saw my mom in the kitchen and started, you know, accusing her of things.

[00:25:44] I took my dog and we went down to the beach and I saw lovely friends of mine, saw a few

[00:25:51] people in the community and immediately I felt better.

[00:25:54] Just that thing of getting up early, making sure that you are within a community, whether

[00:25:59] it's with your pet or your dog.

[00:26:01] And I think it's important for people like us, especially, and I don't want to like sound

[00:26:05] or preachy and I'm not one of those toxic positivity people, you know, hug a tree, spreading the

[00:26:10] love, just think positive.

[00:26:11] No.

[00:26:12] But I think what helps for people that are depressed is whether it's joining a chess club

[00:26:19] and maybe not everybody is in my position where they have the opportunity to go surf.

[00:26:23] Maybe even if it's just a chess club or...

[00:26:25] I know that, but just to take that small step of just do any hobby to get involved in because

[00:26:31] you will be amazed at how friendships, even if you don't feel like socializing, just to

[00:26:37] take that step.

[00:26:37] It doesn't matter what it is.

[00:26:39] I mean, gee, even if it's whatever.

[00:26:41] I think some people just can't take that step.

[00:26:43] They can't.

[00:26:44] Yeah.

[00:26:44] Some just can't.

[00:26:45] You're not wrong at all by what you said.

[00:26:48] It makes complete sense, but it's complicated, right?

[00:26:50] And some people just can't do it.

[00:26:52] And I think there are other people that do it, but in ways we may not understand, it kind

[00:26:57] of backfires.

[00:26:58] Like who knows why, like, you know, you're socializing and all you're seeing, for example,

[00:27:02] are people who you perceive as having being okay and you're not okay.

[00:27:06] So you might, I say, you know, it gets complicated, man.

[00:27:08] It's just interesting to see from the outside.

[00:27:10] And I think this happens a lot where people will say, if you just went down to the pickleball

[00:27:15] courts or if you just went for a walk, right?

[00:27:19] Because we know it can work.

[00:27:20] We know it can be effective and help, but it's not.

[00:27:22] It's just-

[00:27:23] It's not a magic pill, no.

[00:27:24] No.

[00:27:24] And you know, and it's so, there is no magic fucking pill.

[00:27:28] Yeah.

[00:27:28] There's nothing that can-

[00:27:30] The only magic pill I created is not to stay alive, but to die.

[00:27:33] So that's not what we're necessarily talking about in this moment.

[00:27:36] I understand why you were looking for a podcast and stumbled upon this one.

[00:27:40] And you said you listened and you said some very kind words about me and the podcast and

[00:27:44] how it has affected you.

[00:27:45] I'm wondering why after hearing some of these people talk, you actually chose to reach out

[00:27:51] and share some stuff about yourself.

[00:27:53] It's very relatable.

[00:27:54] Like whenever I hear someone speak on your podcast, like it, it kind of like I click and

[00:28:00] I go, I'm not the only one.

[00:28:02] This is, I feel like it's something that I can relate to.

[00:28:04] But why share your stuff?

[00:28:06] Why not just listen and only listen?

[00:28:07] I think if you talk about it and share your experience, other people might listen to it

[00:28:13] and it might help even if it's just one person.

[00:28:15] And I think to talk, to talk it out, like there's healing in that.

[00:28:19] I think doing a podcast like this, it's already a sign of growth for me personally, like to

[00:28:24] just take the initiative because all the people like that I've heard, I hear their stories

[00:28:29] and it really motivates me to just go, wow, like some of these people have gone through

[00:28:34] some dark shit, you know?

[00:28:36] Right.

[00:28:37] Is this something that you shared with anyone in your life that you're doing talking to

[00:28:40] me?

[00:28:41] I've shared it with one good friend of mine, but we no longer friends anymore.

[00:28:45] I think also when you have depression, you push people away.

[00:28:48] I think I had like a, I had a meltdown and I was drunk.

[00:28:51] You know, when you overshare with people, one day you can be best, best friends with someone

[00:28:56] the next day.

[00:28:57] They'll, they completely ostracize you and shine you because it's that thing of stigma.

[00:29:00] You are crazy.

[00:29:01] You are saccadic.

[00:29:02] Let's just put you there.

[00:29:04] You're a crazy guy.

[00:29:05] Right.

[00:29:06] So this is somebody that you told you were suicidal or suffering or struggling?

[00:29:09] Yeah.

[00:29:09] And actually this person, it meant a lot to me at the time.

[00:29:13] I think he's like 13 years younger than me.

[00:29:15] He actually taught me how to surf properly.

[00:29:17] He's like my surf coach and he was a very spiritual guy.

[00:29:21] So I found a lot of solace in him sharing his story because he was a drag addict and he actually

[00:29:28] invited me.

[00:29:29] He got me involved in the church where he was at.

[00:29:32] But I do think that I can't blame the church and say that it is the church that ostracized

[00:29:38] me.

[00:29:39] I had choice.

[00:29:40] I was actually pushing them away.

[00:29:41] But in my mind, you know, you think, oh, it's the church.

[00:29:45] But no, I have to look at myself.

[00:29:48] I have to take a good look hard at myself and look at the ramifications and the consequences

[00:29:52] of my actions.

[00:29:53] So I guess I don't blame this friend of mine for kind of ghosting me and being all quiet,

[00:29:59] but it does hurt when you share so much about yourself.

[00:30:03] Yeah.

[00:30:03] This person who calls themselves, quote unquote, a Christian, they just disappear.

[00:30:09] They shun you, they abandon you and they neglect you.

[00:30:12] But then also because I have depression, it's that thing of spirit of rejection.

[00:30:17] It's that thing of you over exaggerate, you over act.

[00:30:21] And maybe I was the one pushing them away.

[00:30:24] I don't know.

[00:30:25] I really don't know.

[00:30:26] Sean, like, honestly, it's so complicated.

[00:30:28] But then also he was 13 years younger.

[00:30:30] He was kind of like my, I'd say he was kind of like my spiritual leader.

[00:30:33] He was the first.

[00:30:34] And also I became attached because this was the first person I've ever had in my life

[00:30:39] that would actually come over to my house when I would tell him I'm going to, I'm feeling

[00:30:43] suicidal.

[00:30:44] I'm feeling low.

[00:30:45] That to me was like, whoa, this is not, this is, this is weird.

[00:30:48] Like this dude was like my little brother at the time.

[00:30:50] Like he bring you coffee, pray for you and you talk things out and there's compassion.

[00:30:55] But then when you flip out and you get a meltdown and you become psychotic and you swear

[00:30:59] the pastor's wife over the phone, then she will phone everybody in the church behind your

[00:31:04] back telling them what a shit, shithead you are.

[00:31:08] I was drunk.

[00:31:09] I was depressed for other reasons.

[00:31:12] Yes, I need to take action.

[00:31:13] But that's also in a thing.

[00:31:15] And I've been very positive about community and yes, but then also on the other end of

[00:31:20] the spectrum within the community, it's very small.

[00:31:23] You just got to be careful who and what you tell.

[00:31:26] But I guess at the end of the day, that is, I guess she wanted to keep the church safe,

[00:31:30] but to go behind my back and phone this friend of mine.

[00:31:33] And from, from then the friendship just pretty much deteriorated.

[00:31:36] How many people can you talk to about what you're going through?

[00:31:39] Like really talk.

[00:31:40] My sister, she's actually a psychologist, which is the irony, but obviously it's my sister.

[00:31:47] I'm not going to have her for sessions, but she's very supportive.

[00:31:51] I've actually, I've gone for ketamine treatment.

[00:31:53] I think it's, it's not a one shoe fits all, you know, it's not a one size fits all type of

[00:31:58] thing.

[00:31:58] Even after the treatment, I don't feel that it worked for me.

[00:32:02] It might work for someone else, but she, she's been very, both of my sisters.

[00:32:06] In fact, they are, they are incredible women.

[00:32:09] I think my sister is one of the people that both of my sisters inspire me as a younger

[00:32:13] brother.

[00:32:14] Yeah, man, my whole family.

[00:32:15] Like I can tell, yeah, I can basically tell my siblings and my mom and my dad, when he

[00:32:20] was still alive, he was always very supportive.

[00:32:22] I can maybe tell my church leader, cause I actually, when I left that church, I joined

[00:32:28] a new church in my community and they are super, super loving, encouraging, supportive.

[00:32:35] And that's what I would call true Christians because they do walk the walk.

[00:32:39] They really love on me.

[00:32:41] There's no judgment there.

[00:32:42] I'm very privileged to, to have that, but I obviously left the other church.

[00:32:47] I don't have time for.

[00:32:48] Yeah, sure.

[00:32:49] Sure.

[00:32:49] Other than your family and, you know, medical professionals, does anyone know about either

[00:32:53] attempt outside of those people?

[00:32:55] No, no, no.

[00:32:56] And people don't understand why I was so down when this particular friend left my life.

[00:33:03] What they don't understand is that was the first person that I ever told about my deep,

[00:33:08] darkest secrets, because it's like, you kind of form the spiritual bond, which can be dangerous

[00:33:14] because I mean, we're all human and you open up.

[00:33:17] I don't regret, but, but I mean, damn, I think I've learned in that moment.

[00:33:23] Just be careful who you, who you tell.

[00:33:25] But now when, when it comes to leadership, my leaders are older men that are, that have life experience,

[00:33:32] not, not someone who's 13 years younger than me.

[00:33:36] So do you currently seek, so you said you got ketamine.

[00:33:39] Do you do anything else in terms of like medication?

[00:33:41] I'm currently on medication and I honestly feel that it works for me.

[00:33:44] It doesn't make me happy and high all the time to be completely honest with you,

[00:33:48] but I do feel that it helps me cope and I just feel, I feel okay.

[00:33:51] I think if I'm off medication, then I can feel that I go into a complete dip.

[00:33:57] And I mean, a lot of your listeners can relate you in your room and you just cry,

[00:34:01] you cry nonstop and you don't know why you're crying.

[00:34:04] And there's just this heaviness, heaviness on you.

[00:34:07] And people from a religious point of view will say, well, it's the devil, it's Satan,

[00:34:12] it's demonic attacks, it's spiritual warfare.

[00:34:15] And then you already feel guilty because now you think, ah, shit, it's Satan stalking me.

[00:34:21] So there's already that guilt.

[00:34:23] It's like a cycle.

[00:34:23] It's like, it's like gaslighting, you know, and the medication that I'm on, I just take that.

[00:34:28] I don't know if it works or if it doesn't work, but all I can say is if I don't take it,

[00:34:32] I know I'm going to feel a lot worse, fall into a hole.

[00:34:35] Yeah, for sure.

[00:34:36] And also you said, you said you were diagnosed with depression?

[00:34:39] Yeah, I was diagnosed with depression.

[00:34:41] I'm wondering if there's anything else because you've,

[00:34:42] I don't know if you were sort of using the word more colloquially,

[00:34:45] but like you said, psychotic, is that?

[00:34:47] Yeah, I was diagnosed and then I was misdiagnosed.

[00:34:50] I don't even think people know really how to diagnose.

[00:34:53] I'm not a psychiatrist, but I've honestly shown I've been to,

[00:34:58] I think maybe four psychiatrists in and out of psychiatric hospitals.

[00:35:03] I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

[00:35:08] It turned out five years after that, it wasn't bipolar.

[00:35:12] It was just depression.

[00:35:13] And then they've put me on antidepressants and that's also another screw up with having

[00:35:17] a mental illness.

[00:35:19] They, they, they put you on all sorts of shit, you know, like you eventually,

[00:35:23] is this can't work with this.

[00:35:25] It's like a constant, like, you've got to find the right pill.

[00:35:28] Just got to find the right pill.

[00:35:29] And this doesn't work and orchestrate this pill.

[00:35:32] Eventually I'm just on a normal antidepressant.

[00:35:34] And I think I was on like a, like a bipolar medication, which was like limictal or something,

[00:35:40] which is actually, which people use for seizures, like epilepsy, but you can also use it for

[00:35:45] I was on that for like six years of my life going through thinking I'm bipolar, I'm bipolar,

[00:35:50] but it turns out I'm, I just have a normal depression.

[00:35:54] Actually, to be honest, I don't know what I am.

[00:35:56] Maybe, maybe I could be bipolar.

[00:35:58] I don't know.

[00:35:58] I don't know because I do get very energetic and I get very excited and I'm like a social

[00:36:04] butterfly and I want to hug everybody and I love everybody.

[00:36:06] But then when I'm alone in my room, it's like crash.

[00:36:10] Other than surfing, does anything help?

[00:36:12] I'd say my, my friends, um, and surfing.

[00:36:15] I think, uh, if it wasn't for surfing, I would have been probably being dead by now.

[00:36:20] That, that word or that idea has got to be part of the memoir title.

[00:36:24] I mean, come on.

[00:36:25] Yeah.

[00:36:25] I don't know what it is.

[00:36:26] I think it's also the, the healing of the ocean, just being in nature, calming the mind,

[00:36:32] getting that balance within the brain, that equilibrium, just soothing the soul.

[00:36:36] And then you've got that salt water on your body and you, you feel that you've exercised,

[00:36:40] you've been socializing a bit out in the water.

[00:36:43] You've got the sun on you.

[00:36:44] It's very, very beneficial for mental health, but it's not going to fix things or it's not

[00:36:49] just going to be like, yeah, it's a lifestyle, I guess.

[00:36:51] You, you've thought about various ways to end your life.

[00:36:55] Even if it's like a quick moment.

[00:36:57] Do you think about when you're actively more actively suicidal?

[00:37:00] Do you think about method?

[00:37:02] Yeah, I do.

[00:37:03] I do actually.

[00:37:04] Has it changed since your first two attempts when it was sleeping pills?

[00:37:07] Yeah.

[00:37:08] It still is the sleeping pills.

[00:37:11] I do still have my method in the back of my head, but because by me knowing that people

[00:37:16] who listen to this podcast are suicidal, I don't want to give any ideas, you know, like

[00:37:20] I'd rather not share my plan, but I do have a plan in my mind.

[00:37:26] But like I said, in the beginning, I will never do it.

[00:37:29] It's just kind of like a fantasy.

[00:37:33] It's like a coping mechanism for me to cope just by having these thoughts.

[00:37:37] Like, I just want to get off this earth.

[00:37:39] I'm going to be honest.

[00:37:40] I don't like the society in which we live in.

[00:37:43] I think I've also made a growing step.

[00:37:46] I'm not saying that social media is inherently bad.

[00:37:50] Please don't get me wrong.

[00:37:51] But for someone like me who suffers with a mental illness, quote unquote, for me personally

[00:37:57] as Eddie, I deleted social media because I feel that is the right thing I need to do.

[00:38:01] It might not be the right thing for you.

[00:38:02] I think social media is great in different aspects, you know, promoting your business

[00:38:06] or what.

[00:38:07] But me, I've just completely deleted it because I know that it triggers me.

[00:38:14] My ego is too fragile.

[00:38:15] Just baby steps that I'm trying to take.

[00:38:17] I don't always ask this question, but I feel like asking it to you.

[00:38:20] So what you've learned about life and yourself and all these other things at your age right

[00:38:24] now, if you talk to 15-year-old Eddie or maybe even 25-year-old Eddie.

[00:38:29] And you know, the world doesn't work this way.

[00:38:31] We don't have time.

[00:38:32] But would you say anything to either of those guys?

[00:38:34] To the 15-year-old, say, I'd say get a fucking surfboard in a way too and start surfing

[00:38:39] because I only started surfing at 19.

[00:38:41] Wait, I really got into surfing at like 21.

[00:38:43] That's when I really got into it.

[00:38:45] At 15, you know, growing up in a surfing town, I was never interested.

[00:38:48] My sister always dated guys that surfed.

[00:38:51] So that was the influence.

[00:38:52] And obviously growing up in the community, but I'd say to the 15-year-old, get the fuck

[00:38:56] over yourself.

[00:38:57] Get a weight suit.

[00:38:57] Get a board and go surf.

[00:38:58] And yeah.

[00:38:59] And 25-year-old?

[00:39:00] Yeah.

[00:39:01] 25 felt like yesterday.

[00:39:02] Time flies so quick the older you get.

[00:39:05] No shit.

[00:39:06] No shit, Eddie.

[00:39:06] I can't even remember when I was 18.

[00:39:08] It felt like yesterday.

[00:39:10] Where was I when I was even 25?

[00:39:13] All right.

[00:39:14] We can pass on that one.

[00:39:15] Yeah.

[00:39:16] 25 felt like yesterday.

[00:39:18] So if it was yesterday, you would have said maybe make it tomorrow because I'm talking

[00:39:22] to Sean for a podcast that doesn't really actually yet exist.

[00:39:26] Are there any?

[00:39:27] I only have a few more questions.

[00:39:28] And of course, you can add whatever else you want.

[00:39:30] Sure.

[00:39:30] I want to know if anyone knows we're talking right now.

[00:39:33] No, no one knows we're talking.

[00:39:35] No one.

[00:39:36] Will you tell anybody either after we talk or maybe when the episode comes out?

[00:39:41] No, I think I haven't really given it much thought.

[00:39:45] I won't overthink it.

[00:39:46] You know, one day I'll let it lie there on the shelf and eventually I'll share it when

[00:39:52] the time is ready.

[00:39:53] Yeah.

[00:39:54] And I feel that I'm ready.

[00:39:55] And you open up yourself to vulnerability.

[00:39:57] You are vulnerable.

[00:39:58] And it's also like men shouldn't be depressed.

[00:40:01] You know, men should be tough.

[00:40:02] You know, like you should be a man.

[00:40:03] You know, I think that stigma is slowly but surely deteriorating now.

[00:40:07] I think we're not in 1993 anymore.

[00:40:09] I think it's going to take a long time.

[00:40:12] But yeah, this is the start.

[00:40:13] You know, you know, this question I often ask about myths or misconceptions.

[00:40:17] Do you have any want to call bullshit on here?

[00:40:19] Myths or misconceptions?

[00:40:20] Yeah.

[00:40:21] The whole hell indoctrination, the conditioning that if you take your own life, you're going

[00:40:26] to go to hell.

[00:40:27] I just call that horse shit.

[00:40:29] And also that if you are suicidal or if you are depressed, you're weak.

[00:40:33] No, I think you've got to be fucking strong to have those thoughts every single day.

[00:40:37] It's like telling someone, you know, someone with cancer.

[00:40:40] I'm not going to go up to an individual that's got cancer and be like, you know, just pull

[00:40:44] yourself together.

[00:40:45] Pray the cancer away.

[00:40:46] You know, it's not unfortunately the reality.

[00:40:49] Right.

[00:40:49] I do still question like if I know that there's a God.

[00:40:53] There has to be if you look at creation.

[00:40:56] But you know, like I'm just a human.

[00:40:58] I don't know.

[00:40:58] All I know is that I'm on a blue dot spinning around a ball of fire in some gigantic universe

[00:41:03] that I know nothing about.

[00:41:05] I mean, that's like an ant thinking to itself how humanity it's really trippy.

[00:41:11] I find the universe and creation and these conversations that you should have alone at

[00:41:16] night over a few beers like these DMC conversations where things get heavy and thought provoking

[00:41:23] and like intellect.

[00:41:24] We don't know.

[00:41:25] Honestly, we don't know.

[00:41:27] For sure.

[00:41:27] A lot of things we don't know.

[00:41:29] And I think it's like the mysteries of life.

[00:41:31] Just just maybe one day when I cross over, I'll have the answers.

[00:41:35] But I have this fascination with afterlife and death and knowing that if I if my soul leaves

[00:41:41] my body, I'll have peace.

[00:41:42] I'll have bliss wherever it will be astral projecting to different dimensions because this

[00:41:49] world is just about money, fame.

[00:41:51] It's superficial.

[00:41:51] It's all about quantity.

[00:41:54] How much, how many, how many followers, how many friends?

[00:41:57] Everything is just how much.

[00:41:59] Yeah.

[00:41:59] But that is that is the reality.

[00:42:01] It is life.

[00:42:02] There's nothing we can do about it is what it is.

[00:42:04] Well, you're 35.

[00:42:06] And let's say even if you're super unhealthy, you're probably going to make it to 70, right?

[00:42:10] Maybe longer, maybe much longer.

[00:42:12] And you said it's very unlikely, in fact, not going to happen that you're going to take

[00:42:16] your life.

[00:42:16] So what how does that land with you?

[00:42:18] You're going to be alive for a while, like a long while.

[00:42:20] Yeah, unfortunately, having to live with myself, having to be a depressed individual, but it's

[00:42:27] not all doom and gloom.

[00:42:28] I'm going to have good days and I'm going to have bad days.

[00:42:31] But knowing I'm not the only one and they are always positive things to look out for.

[00:42:36] I'm actually just very, very grateful for what I have at this moment.

[00:42:42] I'm thankful for what I have right now.

[00:42:45] So maybe in a couple of years, just ride as many waves as I possibly can and grow.

[00:42:50] Maybe I'll grow.

[00:42:51] Who knows, Sean?

[00:42:51] Maybe I'll grow.

[00:42:52] I do feel a lot stronger and empowered by just talking to you.

[00:42:57] Yeah.

[00:42:57] I know you're not a therapist.

[00:42:59] Nope.

[00:42:59] But I think what you're doing, you're changing a lot of lives.

[00:43:02] Like this is such a cool podcast.

[00:43:04] Like you have no idea.

[00:43:07] Like, yeah, you can be really proud of it.

[00:43:09] I think it's helping a lot of people.

[00:43:12] And we like this camaraderie of people, all of us around the world, sharing our stories

[00:43:17] and experiences with one another.

[00:43:20] It's pretty cool.

[00:43:21] That's the power of podcasts.

[00:43:23] Yeah.

[00:43:23] It's kind of a unique thing.

[00:43:25] And I appreciate that, what you said.

[00:43:27] Glad that I'm in a position to be able to provide it, so to speak.

[00:43:30] That I have the means, that I have the mental faculties, that I have whatever one needs.

[00:43:36] A lot of people might want to do something like this and they just can't.

[00:43:40] And that's got to be, whether it's this or some other project and how frustrating is that?

[00:43:44] Of course.

[00:43:45] Of course.

[00:43:46] I'm just curious about your life.

[00:43:48] I know you surf.

[00:43:49] I know you got a family.

[00:43:50] I know you got a dog.

[00:43:51] I know you're kind of near a beach.

[00:43:53] I don't need all of it, but I'm just curious, what are your days like?

[00:43:56] They're pretty cool.

[00:43:57] I actually am an English teacher.

[00:44:00] I'm an English teacher online.

[00:44:02] So I see, I've got the opportunity to see like cute Asian kids every day.

[00:44:07] I sing songs with them.

[00:44:08] We watch videos.

[00:44:09] It's like online teaching and they've got so much energy and sometimes it drains me.

[00:44:13] And then actually in the evening, I teach like mobility, flexibility workouts online

[00:44:18] through Flexit, like a bit of yoga.

[00:44:21] Yeah.

[00:44:22] A bit of stretching.

[00:44:23] I don't need the English lessons, but I can still use the other ones.

[00:44:26] I actually used to teach English.

[00:44:27] I used to teach English as a second language too for a long time.

[00:44:29] Oh yeah.

[00:44:29] I remember that.

[00:44:30] Yes.

[00:44:30] Yes.

[00:44:31] I didn't do it so much online, but there was a period where I was thinking about doing

[00:44:35] that and I kind of regret it, but it was mostly China at the time online and a lot of

[00:44:40] kids and it just wasn't my jam.

[00:44:42] Like I just needed mostly in person, mostly not kids, but that's really cool that you do

[00:44:48] that.

[00:44:48] And I imagine it leaves you some flexibility to do some other things that you like.

[00:44:52] Of course.

[00:44:52] I hope you don't mind me asking.

[00:44:54] I've wondered, have you ever, I know your friend who took his own life that kind of inspired

[00:44:59] you to start this podcast, right?

[00:45:01] That was a long time ago, but it was a factor for sure.

[00:45:04] And have you ever, I'm sure you have, like you've ever experienced depression, suicide?

[00:45:09] Yeah.

[00:45:10] Yeah.

[00:45:11] I've never attempted.

[00:45:13] I've done things that you could argue are sort of a slow suicide for about 20 plus years

[00:45:18] on and off.

[00:45:19] I would say passive.

[00:45:21] Sometimes it gets a little more intense, sometimes less.

[00:45:24] Sometimes it's more of that kind of fantasy thing that you've referenced.

[00:45:28] Am I going to try?

[00:45:30] It's pretty unlikely.

[00:45:31] Exactly.

[00:45:31] I probably, probably will always be in the space close enough.

[00:45:37] And that's also a weird space, right?

[00:45:39] Because you're like, because let's just face it here.

[00:45:41] Like you're probably not going to be not alive for, you're going to be alive for a while.

[00:45:45] This is me talking about me, one, whomever.

[00:45:47] You're probably not going to be doing so great.

[00:45:49] I know there's probably maybe people out there who think, well, this guy, you know, sometimes

[00:45:55] he's on the podcast and he makes points and he asks these questions and sometimes there's

[00:46:00] some humor.

[00:46:01] Yeah.

[00:46:01] So he must be doing okay.

[00:46:03] He can edit the podcast.

[00:46:04] He can do all the things to me.

[00:46:05] But we know that.

[00:46:07] You go out socializing and surfing and sometimes particularly in certain points when you're

[00:46:11] really like loving on people, you know, they, unless you tell them, they don't know

[00:46:15] the other side.

[00:46:16] They don't know.

[00:46:17] They think I'm the most happiest, fun, lovable person under the sun.

[00:46:22] Nobody thinks that of me.

[00:46:23] I don't typically present that way.

[00:46:25] And it's not a judgment either way.

[00:46:26] It's just how I happen to be.

[00:46:28] So they would probably be more like, yeah, that kind of tracks that Sean's doing really

[00:46:33] badly or struggling.

[00:46:35] It doesn't mean I'm going to act on these thoughts.

[00:46:39] It's like, I think you can really be proud of yourself.

[00:46:42] Everybody listening can completely agree with me that, wow, this is just keep on doing

[00:46:47] what you're doing, man.

[00:46:47] Very authentic podcast.

[00:46:49] It's very real.

[00:46:50] People being vulnerable.

[00:46:51] People just being real, man.

[00:46:53] People just being real.

[00:46:53] Let's cut the bullshit.

[00:46:55] Let's be real.

[00:46:56] I think I've listened to like every episode.

[00:46:59] Really?

[00:47:00] Yeah.

[00:47:00] Like binge.

[00:47:01] I was binge listening one weekend.

[00:47:03] I was just listening.

[00:47:04] And it's so interesting because you learn, actually, you kind of learn about different

[00:47:08] countries, the accents.

[00:47:10] Right, right.

[00:47:10] Yeah.

[00:47:10] And then it's like a guy from Scotland, a guy from Australia.

[00:47:13] Then you've got Malawi.

[00:47:15] And I was like, wow, this is like really cool.

[00:47:17] I know.

[00:47:18] And one of the interesting things about this podcast is people who are struggling, if they're

[00:47:24] aware of podcasts.

[00:47:25] But sometimes it's just like on Google, you put the word in.

[00:47:27] Yeah, you'll get the warnings.

[00:47:28] And here, call this hotline.

[00:47:30] But sometimes my shit pops up.

[00:47:32] Sometimes they listen.

[00:47:33] And sometimes they keep listening.

[00:47:34] What that means, though, is that like mostly people find me and they email me just like

[00:47:40] you did.

[00:47:41] And we sometimes, you know, I always want to talk.

[00:47:44] Sometimes people flake or bail out or get afraid or who knows.

[00:47:48] So not everybody shows up.

[00:47:49] Today, I was the one who fucked up and didn't show up.

[00:47:53] It's not this podcast that you think it's all doomy and gloomy.

[00:47:57] People talking about suicide.

[00:47:58] It's no, no.

[00:47:59] I find, weirdly enough, I find a lot of encouragement in listening to.

[00:48:03] Other people's stories.

[00:48:04] I find it entertaining.

[00:48:05] And it's not always doom and gloom.

[00:48:08] It's funny.

[00:48:09] Like there's been moments where I'd listen to some of the stuff you'd say and I'd laugh.

[00:48:13] And sometimes even your listeners, we are all listening together.

[00:48:18] We are all a community.

[00:48:19] I think like when I started listening to you, I couldn't stop.

[00:48:22] I was constantly one episode after another.

[00:48:25] Like you've got this, just this realness to you.

[00:48:29] You're like, you're really good at what you do.

[00:48:31] And I'm not just saying this blowing smoke up your ass, but.

[00:48:34] I know it's cool.

[00:48:35] Eddie, you can blow some smoke up my ass.

[00:48:37] Go ahead.

[00:48:37] I think you should maybe go lie down tonight and have a really long, hard thinking session

[00:48:45] with yourself and saying, you know what?

[00:48:46] I'm actually doing something great for a lot of people and just got to keep on doing it.

[00:48:52] And I'm telling you, every single one of your listeners will agree with me.

[00:48:57] Like.

[00:48:58] Oh, thank you, man.

[00:48:58] I appreciate that.

[00:48:59] I've had a few people that reached out.

[00:49:01] They didn't agree, but mostly it's good.

[00:49:02] Oh, fuck them.

[00:49:04] Hey, Eddie.

[00:49:04] I usually don't ask too much about this, but I'm wondering, I'm curious about romance,

[00:49:09] your love life.

[00:49:10] It's not easy.

[00:49:10] It's like with me as well.

[00:49:13] I don't think I've ever been in a relationship.

[00:49:15] I had like a girlfriend at 19, 20, 21.

[00:49:20] Since then, I've just pretty much been a lone wolf.

[00:49:23] And like you say, envy.

[00:49:25] Like I do envy all of my guy friends who have girlfriends.

[00:49:29] I'm like, shit, you know, like, damn, you're so young and you have a girlfriend already

[00:49:33] and you just have it all together.

[00:49:35] And trust me, I even find myself like super jealous sometimes and envious.

[00:49:40] And, you know, what's wrong with me?

[00:49:42] You know, that's also complex.

[00:49:43] Like, why don't I have a partner?

[00:49:45] Like at the end of the day, I am my own worst enemy.

[00:49:48] And that's what I'm getting back to.

[00:49:50] It's a spirit of rejection.

[00:49:51] I have rejection issues.

[00:49:54] I don't know.

[00:49:55] And that word trauma gets thrown around a lot nowadays.

[00:49:58] You know, it's very easy.

[00:49:59] Like the Gen Z, you know, like that trauma.

[00:50:02] But what is trauma?

[00:50:04] That's a very heavy word.

[00:50:07] I mean, people, kids growing up in Afghanistan with bombs blowing up around them or Iraq or

[00:50:12] Iran.

[00:50:13] That is trauma.

[00:50:14] I don't know, Sean.

[00:50:15] I don't know like if it's maybe that I developed a complex throughout the years being bullied

[00:50:20] at school because that still haunts me.

[00:50:22] Yeah, I don't know.

[00:50:23] I don't know the answer.

[00:50:24] I wish I knew.

[00:50:25] I wish I knew like a therapist could take it apart and say the reason why I'm still single.

[00:50:29] But you got to make peace with it.

[00:50:31] Like I just decide, you know what?

[00:50:32] I've got my dog.

[00:50:33] I've got my community.

[00:50:34] I wish I had a partner to do shit with, to go out, to watch the sunset, to love, to

[00:50:42] care for.

[00:50:43] But unfortunately, I don't think that that will ever happen if by some chance a miracle.

[00:50:49] But that is not the be all and the end all.

[00:50:51] That's not the alpha and the omega of life.

[00:50:53] Not I think some people like us are supposed to be single.

[00:50:57] And yeah, we don't know.

[00:50:59] Life will maybe take its turn, but I think there's so much emphasis that gets put on relationships.

[00:51:04] Like you need to have a relationship or you need to be married.

[00:51:08] You need to have like a perfect family and everything is hunky-dory, but it's not how

[00:51:14] life works.

[00:51:15] Some people are just called to be single, period.

[00:51:19] Yeah, maybe so.

[00:51:20] Yeah, I know.

[00:51:21] Believe me, brother.

[00:51:23] Believe me, brother.

[00:51:23] I don't know if I've come to the point of, yeah, I don't know where I stand.

[00:51:28] I'm just full of shit, man.

[00:51:30] Nah, nah.

[00:51:31] You're not full of shit at all.

[00:51:33] You're speaking honestly and people think you're full of shit.

[00:51:36] Fuck them.

[00:51:37] Yeah, that's a fucking point.

[00:51:38] And you know, conversely, but they can coexist.

[00:51:40] We are also all full of shit.

[00:51:43] I'm sorry that I'm not the cookie cutter of what a Christian guy should look like.

[00:51:48] You know, I'm in church, serving in church, and I'm going to get married very young

[00:51:51] because I am, you know, that perfect quintessential.

[00:51:54] I'm a youth leader.

[00:51:56] I used to be on drugs.

[00:51:58] Now I'm going to marry the girl of my life at age 23, you know, because I am in a leadership

[00:52:05] position.

[00:52:06] I'm perfect.

[00:52:07] I'm not like that.

[00:52:08] I'm sorry.

[00:52:09] I've got a lot of flaws.

[00:52:11] I've got a lot of shit in my life.

[00:52:12] I'm not perfect.

[00:52:13] I'm an open book.

[00:52:15] Yeah.

[00:52:15] And it's amazing how we all want to be liked, right?

[00:52:18] That's my pain that I have with the issue that I have with social media is I think it's

[00:52:23] also partially depression, like that isolation.

[00:52:26] I don't need people to know what I'm doing in my life.

[00:52:29] It's nice.

[00:52:30] There's this piece of just having like a private life, a peaceful life, solitude.

[00:52:36] I see everybody I need to see on the beach or I see the people I need to see in the water.

[00:52:39] I don't care who you are.

[00:52:41] I don't want to see pictures of your wedding or your birthday or your child.

[00:52:46] I'm not interested.

[00:52:47] Kind of same here, man.

[00:52:48] Yeah.

[00:52:49] To the listeners, if you want to fucking crash on a small beach in South Africa, I mean,

[00:52:56] we got to give them a little lead time probably, but Eddie will host.

[00:53:00] Eddie will keep surfing.

[00:53:02] If you drink, that's cool.

[00:53:03] We'll have some beers.

[00:53:04] If you don't, that's cool.

[00:53:05] You can have some water.

[00:53:07] And you smoke weed.

[00:53:08] That's also perfect.

[00:53:09] It's up to you.

[00:53:10] No pressure either way.

[00:53:11] You don't even have to get in the damn water.

[00:53:13] You don't.

[00:53:14] You don't have to.

[00:53:15] I'm here for whoever.

[00:53:16] If you've got money, if you've got money to fly over from wherever it is that you're staying and you just want to come crash at my spot, you're more than welcome.

[00:53:27] Because I want to help.

[00:53:29] And yeah, just here for each other.

[00:53:31] We are one community, right?

[00:53:32] An interesting one and a kind of virtual one.

[00:53:35] But yes.

[00:53:36] Yeah.

[00:53:36] I appreciate your time.

[00:53:37] I appreciate you talking.

[00:53:39] I really appreciate you.

[00:53:40] Thank you.

[00:53:42] Thanks again.

[00:53:43] And listen, man.

[00:53:43] Enjoy the surf.

[00:53:44] Next time you go out all the time.

[00:53:45] Enjoy that fucking surf.

[00:53:47] I will.

[00:53:48] I will.

[00:53:48] And thanks.

[00:53:49] Thanks to you.

[00:53:50] Thanks for this opportunity.

[00:53:51] Just thanks for being Sean and being real.

[00:53:54] And I love your podcast.

[00:53:56] I'm going to continue listening.

[00:53:57] And I'll still email you.

[00:53:58] It's not the last time you're going to hear from me.

[00:53:59] I'll just pop you an email now and then and say, Sean, I enjoyed this episode.

[00:54:03] Sean, how are you doing?

[00:54:04] Thank you, Randy.

[00:54:05] Appreciate it.

[00:54:05] We keep in touch.

[00:54:06] All right.

[00:54:06] You always.

[00:54:07] And remember, you also always welcome in South Africa.

[00:54:10] You better come visit.

[00:54:10] Oh, I know.

[00:54:11] Believe me.

[00:54:12] You might regret those words.

[00:54:13] Yes, I know.

[00:54:14] Talk to you soon, my friend.

[00:54:15] Have a good day.

[00:54:15] Just bye, Sean.

[00:54:18] As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support and special thanks to

[00:54:22] Eddie in South Africa.

[00:54:23] Thank you, Eddie.

[00:54:24] If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:54:29] Hello at suicidenoted.com on Facebook or X at Suicide Noted.

[00:54:35] And please check the show notes to learn more about this podcast, including our membership

[00:54:40] and upcoming training.

[00:54:42] And that is all for episode number 236.

[00:54:45] Stay strong.

[00:54:46] Do the best you can.

[00:54:48] I'll talk to you soon.