Dita in Latvia 🇱🇻

[00:00:00] I don't know, sometimes all these TV shows talk about smart people, smart doctors, but

[00:00:05] sometimes just to hear that you're not alone and this is helpful.

[00:00:32] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast, I talk with suicide

[00:00:37] attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories. Every year around the world, millions of

[00:00:41] people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it. We certainly don't talk

[00:00:45] about it enough. And when we do talk about it, many of us, including me, we're not very good at

[00:00:49] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully

[00:00:53] better conversations with attempt survivors in large part to help more people in more places

[00:00:58] hopefully feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. Now if you are a suicide

[00:01:02] attempt survivor and you'd like to talk please reach out. Hello at Suicynoted.com on Facebook or

[00:01:08] X at Suicide Noted and if you'd like to learn more about the podcast, you can check the

[00:01:13] show notes. There's all kinds of cool stuff there including our membership and we love

[00:01:18] that kind of support but however you support us, I really appreciate it very much. Finally we are

[00:01:23] talking about suicide on this podcast and I don't hold back so please take that into account before

[00:01:29] you listen or as you listen but I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn. Today

[00:01:34] I am talking with Dita. Dita lives in Latvia and she is a suicide attempt survivor.

[00:01:42] Hey Dita. Hi. How are you? Actually pretty good. I'd say if I I don't always

[00:01:49] ask that question but usually not the answer for this podcast sometimes. So Dita you know what's

[00:01:55] kind of cool? No. One you're talking with me which I think is really cool. Also you've heard the

[00:02:02] podcast a little bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I spoke to X in Estonia and you are the first person

[00:02:09] from Latvia I believe. The Baltics so are you in the capital of Latvia? Yes I am. I am in the

[00:02:17] city of Auriga. Nice. Well I want to thank you for joining me here. Yes this is actually this is

[00:02:22] also a little bit strange because like obviously in most of the people that you're talking with are

[00:02:27] from states or Canada or somewhere else and then sometimes for me at least it might seem that

[00:02:31] maybe the language might be the barrier but let's try. Oh no, no, you're good. You speak better

[00:02:37] than some people I've spoken to from North America. Okay. And not calling anybody out

[00:02:41] in particular. Okay, I won't ask. I am curious your I suppose general outlook on how

[00:02:48] suicide is dealt with in your country? Obviously it's a taboo topic a little bit

[00:02:55] but I would say that lately people are talking about it more and more and in TV shows and not

[00:03:02] sure about podcasts but TV shows definitely or festivals even so people are starting to

[00:03:08] talk about it but to me my experience I think has been pretty good in all this history. I have a

[00:03:14] small kitten here. Okay so you've got the kitten kitchen you're it looks like in a living room?

[00:03:20] In living room yes. With by the way a pretty damn cool looking and probably not cheap microphone.

[00:03:27] Yeah, yeah I use it sometimes for my work as well so in general I work in textile industry.

[00:03:34] We'll work with the fabrics and the yarns and then sometimes we make just a bunch of videos where

[00:03:40] we explain things and talk about things and then that's what I'm one of the small things that

[00:03:45] I'm doing there as well so that's why I need a better sound than maybe typically. Right,

[00:03:51] but I'm gonna ask you about in a moment about some stuff that we don't typically talk about

[00:03:56] but I do want to know right off the bat your native language I believe is Latvian?

[00:04:00] Yeah exactly. Do you also speak Russian? Very little I think my generation they don't speak too

[00:04:07] much they are more English person people. I speak Russian I can communicate but if we would talk

[00:04:12] about this then probably no point. Okay we will not do this conversation or have this

[00:04:17] conversation in Russian however in Latvian what is the word for a suicide? In Latvian it is

[00:04:26] Because sometimes things don't translate easily does that translate in English? Yes. What does it mean?

[00:04:31] So the word itself means like it consists of two words the first part is self and the second part

[00:04:40] is death so it's kind of self-death. Okay okay for some reason was waiting for self-murder.

[00:04:45] Oh no oh yeah for me in my experience at least my therapist I've been talking to

[00:04:51] she uses a lot of words like in English you say word suicide then in Latvian you can also say

[00:04:57] suites which is basically from the same word so I'm not sure how it's in other languages but

[00:05:02] here it is like that yeah. I said I was gonna ask I'll say several words but I'm gonna just

[00:05:07] cap it at that that's the word if somebody is struggling do you in Latvia have the equivalent

[00:05:13] of like these numbers you can call to get immediate care? I have no idea but I know that

[00:05:20] the lines are pretty long and then it's pretty sad actually even if you are willing to pay it's

[00:05:27] even then it's really difficult. Is there a phone number if you're in emergency to like

[00:05:32] someone to talk to? I believe so not that I have used but I believe there are I mean it should

[00:05:38] be yeah. Yeah interesting but I think that the statistics is here in Latvia like the

[00:05:46] successful suicides they are around one per day so I'm not sure how it's lot or not but

[00:05:51] knowing that we are not too many people here then I think around 360, 380 people per year.

[00:05:58] You have more than that? No we are but I mean we're only about 1.8 million less.

[00:06:05] You're not one of them I know that. Yeah. Tell me this how and when did you find this podcast?

[00:06:11] Actually that was I would say a little bit more than a year ago last year March where a friend of mine

[00:06:18] actually did a suicide and then I started to kind of get involved more with this and to think

[00:06:25] about me to think about my decisions in the past and I used to do I have had let's say like two

[00:06:33] definite attempts. The first one was 2010 but to me it just seemed like a random thing that

[00:06:41] happened and I never talked about it. I thought about it sometimes but the day that I found out

[00:06:47] that the friend of mine did then I was thinking okay maybe I should have been in their shoes as well.

[00:06:51] It will be three years I think already when I'm also going to a therapist but I started to go

[00:06:55] to a therapist with a completely different idea and it was never in my mind to actually

[00:07:00] talk about it but that also that happened also just this year the beginning of this year

[00:07:05] when my parents got worried about what's happening and my mom knew where I'm going and the

[00:07:10] I'm going to a therapist and they actually contacted my therapist because they didn't

[00:07:14] knew what to do because I was just acting a little bit strange and that's when I just

[00:07:18] I figured okay I mean I have to talk about it or what's the point because then it just became

[00:07:23] not exactly 24 seven thought in my mind but still it took a lot of time and if I'm

[00:07:30] just going to my therapist every single week and I could sit there for those 45 minutes

[00:07:36] just being silent and talking about the blue skies and the shitty weather or something but

[00:07:42] yeah.

[00:07:43] Ask you your age or your age range?

[00:07:46] I will be 33 this year.

[00:07:49] So you were in your early 20s 2010 before your attempt so basically for the first

[00:07:55] two plus decades of your life do you remember when you first started thinking about suicide

[00:08:02] as a possibility?

[00:08:04] I never really purposely thought about this as an option in general.

[00:08:09] I think that day just a lot of things hit me up and then a lot of alcohol involved a lot of

[00:08:16] wrong people and then just being in the wrong places and maybe not getting the support that

[00:08:22] I wish I would have for my parents and for my family even though they are great parents I

[00:08:26] don't want to say anything bad about them but there are some things that they I think

[00:08:30] they could have teach this me and my brother better but it was never like nothing planned or

[00:08:36] nothing I think it was just that day I had I used to play drums I used to go into drum school

[00:08:41] we had a concert that day and my parents didn't knew that I was playing drums

[00:08:45] they knew that I was into music but I wasn't telling a lot of things to them because I thought

[00:08:51] that as my mom would say girls don't play drums girls don't do this girls don't do that

[00:08:55] or boys don't do this boys don't do that whatever and to me and this is why I never told them

[00:09:01] and then there was the second concert already for me and then I was thinking

[00:09:05] it was like a student concert that was a big event actually at the time

[00:09:09] I just felt terrible that day because everyone has their parents and everyone

[00:09:16] everyone's so happy and everyone seems to be doing great but to me inside I'm just

[00:09:20] I feel terrible and I wish I wouldn't be there and since my parents they didn't they don't live

[00:09:26] exactly in the center they live kind of a little bit in the suburbs more on the beach side

[00:09:31] and my grandparents at the time they used to live in the city of Riga in center and they used to

[00:09:38] travel a lot like a lot a lot they could be gone for months and then I was staying at them their

[00:09:43] place a lot so that that department has a lot of memories for me yeah all right so I want to

[00:09:49] understand up until 2010 you didn't think much about suicide for yourself no I know I would say

[00:09:56] that I was visually visually I looked happy I looked outgoing and friendly and communicable and

[00:10:02] everything but realistically deep inside no in 2010 you started to talk about that day I'm

[00:10:09] trying to understand and you may not have an answer here I get it you know we're not talking

[00:10:13] about I got really drunk I was in a bad you know shit was hard it took some cocaine did some drugs

[00:10:20] yeah did something a little weird and went on a four day hike in the woods this is like super extreme

[00:10:27] I think almost anyone would have that right what's happening that you go from this person who

[00:10:32] doesn't think much about it to it seems like a really short period of time to thinking about it

[00:10:37] and then acting I already mentioned my parents quite a lot and I think it gets involved with them as well

[00:10:43] briefly so you understand the idea that I've always been around my parents whatever I do and this is why

[00:10:49] I a lot of a lot of times I've been thinking if it wouldn't be for them would I even be successful

[00:10:55] at anything or because for example I was going to finish a high school I started in a kindergarten

[00:11:01] and finished the high school in the same same school and my grandmother was a director at the

[00:11:07] school and at one point my mom was an accountant in this school so I was all the time around my

[00:11:13] parents and then they said go somewhere dude like you can go to whatever school but I love

[00:11:17] that school there will language school it was so I loved it I loved the school but I feel like

[00:11:23] they had a different expectation that I actually had and then after I finish and that that

[00:11:28] is the year when I finished also the high school and I went to university because that's what you're

[00:11:32] supposed to do you know is that you come from a good family they raise you very well and then

[00:11:38] that's how on a paper it should be but realistically I just completely lost myself I mean I couldn't go

[00:11:44] even in high school I knew that every single step that I take someone will see something and

[00:11:51] someone will tell it to my grandmother even though she never reacted and like many years

[00:11:56] after I even finished the school that only then she said some situations that she knew but

[00:12:02] she never reacted to them because she's the director of the school she's not my grandmother at

[00:12:07] the school but I think that there is a lot to do with that and then parents wanted in a childhood

[00:12:13] they brought me to figure skating and then dancing and all this and I just stopped going

[00:12:18] there as well because that wasn't something that I wanted I wanted to I wanted to play tennis

[00:12:23] I wanted to play guitar I wanted to play drums and stuff like that and that I did I did all that

[00:12:28] but I did it behind their back and I think at that point it just hit me up way too much

[00:12:33] I think that also that was the time when I started to go to university where I started to have

[00:12:39] maybe another the best people at the time around me by influence I mean we didn't go to

[00:12:44] university we went straight to the bar in the morning sometimes 11 a.m instead of going

[00:12:49] school or sometimes waking up and going at 8 a.m to university just basically completely drunk

[00:12:57] you know let's come up with the name for that the first name that popped into my head was liquid

[00:13:03] college but I don't think that's the best oh yeah yeah it could be it could be that was Jameson

[00:13:09] the whiskey actually that was something I was drinking for many years and now I don't drink

[00:13:13] hard liquor at all that was in 2010 drinking you got your friends you're not going to class

[00:13:19] you said that you went to a performance right yeah that was like so the idea of that drum school

[00:13:26] it's because I've never played the drums in any band or anything like that it was just a hobby

[00:13:31] that I wanted to do because I in a school where I went there was an opportunity to start to play

[00:13:36] any instrument and then I started with the guitar and then at one point in our classroom

[00:13:42] appeared drums and then I started with one of my classmates a little bit go or play around with

[00:13:47] them and stuff like that and then I figured okay why not find some teacher who could just teach me

[00:13:52] how to play drums so basically he started in his apartment going to some strange guy he was

[00:13:58] well-known guy at the time he was playing in some bands and then now it's it's a pretty big

[00:14:05] drum school actually the only drum school in Baltics I think wow but he yeah but that

[00:14:10] was the beginning we were one of the I was one of the first kids students as well and then he started

[00:14:15] to have one classroom second classroom and now he have like a lot of them and that concert that was

[00:14:22] basically like you learn some song your band bandmates if I can say they're the best latvian

[00:14:29] musicians that you can imagine that's why it was like a big thing and it was a big event it's

[00:14:33] not like just a bunch of kids playing some drums no not at all it was quite professional

[00:14:37] and also in the places where I was actually normally going to watch some concerts and things

[00:14:42] like that so it was a pretty legit thing so let's talk about that day yes basically a random normal

[00:14:50] normal day it was I remember it was actually 2010 10th of October so it's 10 10 10 is that a

[00:14:57] coincidence yes 10 10 10 so basically we I played I played my song we had some interviews with

[00:15:04] television afterwards we had some other performances afterwards for also for some tv shows

[00:15:11] we went to kind of an after party to our teacher's home and the other musicians then a friend of mine

[00:15:18] she was my my drinking buddy I would say and uh and then she appeared and then we just went on

[00:15:25] nightclub after nightclub and then I stayed at my grandparents apartment actually the second

[00:15:32] time is almost exactly the same well some little details but the idea is exactly the same exactly

[00:15:38] the same concert exactly different place and my and three attempts per night uh the second time

[00:15:44] but the first time yeah I that was a stupid thing I think actually unrealistic in my opinion but uh

[00:15:50] so go back a sec because I missed something you were with your friend and you were partying

[00:15:55] and where do you go that night we go just a bunch of bars then I go home I go home to my

[00:16:01] grandmother's apartment in center where she well she was gone she was traveling somewhere I don't

[00:16:06] know where so basically I'm being alone and just continued drinking by myself just until early morning

[00:16:12] and then just click that tool what just happened I mean I should be happy today it was a great

[00:16:17] day but I just felt terrible that night I started to think back about everything that I have

[00:16:23] failed my parents that I have because I might actually I'm working at the moment with my

[00:16:27] parents as well we're working together we have our own business yeah and I thought I was just

[00:16:32] failing everyone grandparents and grandmother I mean education was always important to them

[00:16:38] and I have still not finished any in the university or nothing I felt like a failure a big failure

[00:16:44] tell me about the attempt basically I took my belt and this just tried to hang myself

[00:16:48] in her bathroom actually this can be a really tough question I feel like and this is based on

[00:16:54] you know a lot of conversations like there's got to be like a switch that goes off from

[00:16:57] these are my words not yours but I failed my family I'm not happy with my life all of that to how can

[00:17:04] I end my life that's a big yeah there's just a switch yeah do you remember that moment I'm guessing

[00:17:10] you don't but do like what's the switch honestly I think I really think that it was a lot because

[00:17:17] of this alcohol because I recently had a we'll probably get back to it as well but I recently

[00:17:22] had also a situation where also just I'm not drinking daily basis a lot not at all anymore but

[00:17:29] now sometimes sometimes if I don't see the limits or when to stop then yeah I can I can start talking

[00:17:36] nonsense things but these nonsense things are actually true but I would never say them

[00:17:40] if I would be sitting just just one-on-one with some friend or family member or therapist

[00:17:46] or whatever to be honest with you I think it's it's really just to mainly on the alcohols

[00:17:50] well that that year also just started to lose people as well and just dealing with other people

[00:17:57] dying is my classmate crushed his bike a friend of mine got into car accident and things like

[00:18:03] that and that also I never knew how to deal with it I wasn't drinking almost at all at that time

[00:18:07] the way that I got it out I was just driving around crazy fast in middle of night and things

[00:18:13] like that I didn't really had in my mind the intention to okay I want to crash the car but I

[00:18:20] wish I could if it would happen I would be happy that was about the same time yeah starting the

[00:18:26] first one was 2010 and then it just continued until 2016 I think you're alone in the home

[00:18:33] belt on in bathroom you probably really don't know what you're doing no because I have never

[00:18:39] looked up on the internet and nothing I have a family member that actually has that has done

[00:18:44] suicide by hanging himself that I don't really know that person like that do you think then and

[00:18:50] I and I know alcohol really did you want to die I think yes because afterwards also visually

[00:18:56] yes I looked to happy person and my parents thought that there was going or people around

[00:19:02] thought that I was going to school and being this great person but I was just the shitty

[00:19:07] person I think do you do you start to hang yourself yeah what happened does it break I just

[00:19:14] basically fold no I just basically fall down because that was a lot of a lot of a lot of drinking

[00:19:19] so imagine that doesn't work no obviously whether in that moment when you're you're still you know

[00:19:25] drunk or as the alcohol starts to wear off do you remember like what did I do yeah wow like is

[00:19:32] that true but I was just lucky that obviously I had some things around like it was obvious that

[00:19:38] something has happened but I was lucky that at that time there were multiple years when I was just

[00:19:44] always it doesn't matter it can be plus 40 degrees outside in summer I will be always in

[00:19:49] this car so that saved me which was it didn't seem weird that yeah after the second time

[00:19:55] one friend asked the one friend at the time asked yes like what happened to you something

[00:20:00] on your neck and I was like oh I don't know and just basically walked away without explaining anything

[00:20:06] by the way 40 degrees is hot yeah it's 90 something okay doesn't matter it's hot you have a scarf on

[00:20:11] but that wasn't summer time anyway so that was normal there was October it's quite cold then

[00:20:16] like so from 2010 to 2016 it sounds like it was hard yes also I had in on 2013 I had

[00:20:24] back injury myself and I had surgery for my back and that was a longer career as well

[00:20:30] but that surgery actually I would say it just saved me at that time for many years I just got

[00:20:37] myself together I started to actually work work work I got some other interests I got into sports

[00:20:44] I got in like I had a lot of for many years physiotherapy and on daily basis but yeah

[00:20:49] just changed people around me every single person completely everything changed because I was stuck

[00:20:55] at home for almost two months and then then somehow they kind of accidentally or joking in a joking

[00:21:02] manner they had some business idea in their mind and they asked if I would like to join because at

[00:21:08] the time obvious I wasn't working because it's impossible you were just laying all the time

[00:21:12] down and I just somehow started to yeah then we started to work together and that's also

[00:21:17] big part of my life when's attempt number two there was a second one right that was 2012 okay so a

[00:21:26] couple years after the first one before the back injury yeah with a back operation surgery yeah

[00:21:31] that's why that's why I'm saying that it basically saved or and changed a lot the back

[00:21:36] thing I'm happy that happened what happened with the second attempt basically it was the same

[00:21:41] but it was like three times per night but then at the time also the first one actually was

[00:21:47] it was also the same concert and that was the last concert for me as well I didn't knew it at the

[00:21:52] time but it was the last one similar thing playing drums going out drinking come home yes but

[00:21:59] the first one was actually already first one I tried already on the this concert venue I tried

[00:22:07] to hang myself in that building already then that was already begin so that was different

[00:22:11] and you're saying that in the same night you tried three times yeah and then it's the same going

[00:22:17] drunk going partying and again same apartment trying to hang myself then I understood okay I'll

[00:22:24] just go in the bath fill it up with water and just continue drinking and maybe that's it

[00:22:30] that feels like you really did you really wanted a job yeah that that time yeah because that was

[00:22:35] that was bad because I was it was already that year I was supposed no 2013 I was supposed to finish

[00:22:41] the university but I was already out of the school and no one knew it I told everyone

[00:22:46] that I'm going to school I'm studying but I was just going to work or going around and

[00:22:51] I don't know just sitting with friends with bars and things like that okay so you try to

[00:22:56] hang yourself at the venue you try to hang yourself at home and then you were in a bathtub

[00:23:00] drinking yeah did any of those three attempts in 2012 on the same night come close to working do you

[00:23:06] think I think no because the first one the first one when which was at the venue there were a couple

[00:23:11] drinks in already even before the concert and I was already at the time with on some pain medication

[00:23:18] with for the back because I was starting to have issues already back then and maybe

[00:23:22] there's something like I don't know because then I thought there wasn't too much alcohol

[00:23:26] I was supposed to still play but it just clicked in those two years that was the first one the first

[00:23:31] concert since the previous one did you actually play that night or no yeah so you did it after

[00:23:37] yeah yeah and that was the last time I have had episodes and and a lot of thinking about

[00:23:44] death in general afterwards for past two years I was gonna say so 10 years go by

[00:23:52] which I want to hear a little bit about and then you start it sounds like ideating more intensely

[00:23:56] yeah because then last last year in March the friend of mine did the suicide actually yeah

[00:24:04] and then I didn't go to the funeral because I was supposed to go to a concert to London and I was

[00:24:10] thinking should I go should I not go then I figured okay I will better go because I was at that

[00:24:15] time I was already in therapy I was going to my therapist for more than a year so after 2012

[00:24:20] you didn't go to therapy you didn't go to a hospital you just you call white knuckling and

[00:24:25] you just got on with life I did I basically I changed every single person around me right

[00:24:30] I moved on I changed the city where I lived for some time yeah I was very much into work I love

[00:24:37] I still love what I do every single day everything I think sports also a lot changed a lot helped

[00:24:44] some days I was playing in the morning I was playing golf but then I went to

[00:24:50] like a physiotype thing then I went for a couple hours to work and then I went to another training

[00:24:55] and then to play tennis and that was my day yeah and I think that helped a lot so 2013 and on

[00:25:02] and the back surgery helps interestingly why did you mention the year 2016 earlier was that

[00:25:09] because up until that year just losing just losing friends by the time by car accident for example a

[00:25:17] car accident or friend she had a little baby and after a month she just had I don't know something

[00:25:24] in her head and she got into coma and just passed and another classmate in the motorcycle

[00:25:30] accident and things like that so that was in a quite short period of time yeah I think that

[00:25:36] also affected quite a lot and then in 2017 then my grandmother which with her I had a great

[00:25:45] relationship she was the only person that I was actually able to talk about some more deeper

[00:25:50] things because with my parents as much as good as the relationship we have but we don't talk

[00:25:56] about like the feelings and emotions that I have never when I started to go to therapy I felt

[00:26:01] like I'm in first grade again because I don't understand what you're talking about

[00:26:06] and the grandmother she was the closest person to with who I could I was able to speak with

[00:26:13] but then she got sick with the cancer first time and then the second time and then she passed and

[00:26:19] long story about her is still currently going on with her husband which was my grandfather

[00:26:26] but he's not my biological grandfather I'm not sure if we should go there since there is a court

[00:26:34] case going on so maybe not if I asked you at 15 16 years old one day you're gonna try to end your

[00:26:44] life no definitely no no chance it never crossed my mind I don't think so no it's weird isn't it

[00:26:50] it is now since when I started to go to therapist then I then it became very interesting because

[00:26:56] I knew I had this problem but that never I wasn't really able to talk about it I never thought it was

[00:27:02] that big of a problem it just happened some drunken nights that was in my head how it happened

[00:27:07] I mean it's a big deal but I never I was never able to mention it up and then that day I

[00:27:12] remember I came to visit and after this friend of mine hang herself then just everything changed

[00:27:21] that day because I realized that I should have been in her place maybe before we were also playing

[00:27:28] drums together that's how I know her and then I just slowly slowly started to talk about something

[00:27:35] why because she couldn't understand why is it affecting me that much because I changed

[00:27:40] completely because and I was never really able to tell her exactly why who is the her therapist

[00:27:46] and this is the therapist you were you were saying like when you first started going was really weird

[00:27:51] you're here on a podcast talking it's fascinating because I'm used now I'm used to it credit to

[00:27:56] your therapist for maybe helping you get to the point where you could talk to a bald man in a

[00:28:00] blue shirt in north Carolina about suicide yeah do you remember like the first meeting or

[00:28:04] two or maybe more than that with the therapist like do you remember a question she asked that

[00:28:08] you were like I have no idea how to answer that question I don't understand the way we're a lot of

[00:28:14] the key word is feelings or I remember at the beginning she was asking like how do you feel

[00:28:19] today or how do you feel about this and that and I'm just saying well I'm doing great

[00:28:24] and she's like I'm asking how do you feel not about how you're doing so there's

[00:28:28] there's a little bit difference I'm very great with changing easily topics and talking about

[00:28:34] some random things and it's it's hard for me to to stay concentrated for these 45 minutes and to

[00:28:41] to actually have a normal conversation but now we've been almost it's almost two or three years

[00:28:46] and also a psychiatrist as well is now involved so yeah I gotta tell you we've been on here for

[00:28:51] 48 minutes and I think you're doing fucking great yeah okay I will tell her that did you

[00:28:57] tell her or anybody else about talking with me no will you that's a good question I think I

[00:29:05] I think I will I think I will send it to two of my at least two or three friends of mine

[00:29:10] and in two or more months do you think you're gonna be around I think so because yesterday

[00:29:15] actually had an interesting meeting which may be a little bit switched my mind on some things

[00:29:20] I have a friend she's a childhood friend we we studied in the school together since the first grade

[00:29:27] up until ninth we also played tennis together and been friends ever since and she had a baby

[00:29:34] last week and yesterday we met and she asked if I would like to be a god a godmother for the baby

[00:29:39] and I was just shocked because that's a I don't take it lightly those things that is just

[00:29:45] that it's like a work short no it's it's it's to me it's much bigger than that if she is willing to

[00:29:52] give this honor to be a godmother of her child and where I'm not even sure about my own decisions

[00:29:59] sometimes are being sometimes just a little bit dumb that that made me think okay maybe there is

[00:30:06] a worse some things because yeah that kind that kind of I was thinking that was that I was

[00:30:12] thinking all night last night about this thing so last year when you found the podcast I think your

[00:30:18] friend had died yeah you found the podcast from then until learning that you're a godmother

[00:30:25] were you suicidal ideating a lot thinking about it more than you had been in the prior years

[00:30:30] yes yeah a lot because um when that happened I wasn't on medicaid the only thing I was doing

[00:30:37] is I was going to a therapist then my mom knew the fact that this happened to a friend of mine

[00:30:42] but we never spoke about it like nothing too much but they knew that I was my mom knew that I

[00:30:47] was going to a therapist and she knew why and and and it was okay that was fine I know with that

[00:30:52] as the time went by I I just couldn't get out of it I was all the time just sad and

[00:31:00] it was harder to go out of home it was like I'm supposed to because I'm there are people

[00:31:06] who are working for me I can't just lock myself in a room and then say sorry I don't feel so good

[00:31:12] even though I should I think sometimes and then we started to talk about maybe I should

[00:31:18] with my therapist that maybe we should start to think about some medication because she knew

[00:31:23] that that was very iffy about medication I'm not if it's possible to not to take any I will

[00:31:28] prefer that and then I agreed and then then I went to a psychiatrist and she's an amazing

[00:31:33] doctor I've been really lucky with the doctors around me really lucky they are great people in

[00:31:39] the right place and then they've been really helpful and then I started to do medicine and then

[00:31:44] it takes some months to kick in but I started to feel much better until I just somehow

[00:31:52] went somewhere then I forgot to take them and somehow it seems oh you feel better and

[00:31:57] just forget to take those medicines a little bit more often than you should and then last year

[00:32:03] around Christmas time my parents got to worry they thought that I was starting to talk nonsense

[00:32:09] a little bit and what was going on so they contacted my therapist which I was super angry

[00:32:15] about at the time but now looking back it's fine yeah so about your podcast I started it back

[00:32:21] then to listen yeah I listened to it basically for the whole summer wow then I stopped for some time

[00:32:29] and then now in 9th of June I started to listen it again because there was just a

[00:32:35] there was a situation where so both my parents they live a little bit outside the burriga

[00:32:40] and their house is next to my dad's brother's house and my dad's brother got married and he had

[00:32:49] 50 50 year birthday and we went there and it was an amazing day it was amazing night but yet again

[00:32:56] a little bit too much alcohol and then last thing that I remember was I am back at

[00:33:02] back at our my parents home my brother is trying to hold me so I can just start to act

[00:33:10] act normal again I was starting to tell him about my suicide attempt I was starting to ask

[00:33:15] in order to even beg to him to please help me do it again and things like that and then I just

[00:33:22] locked myself in our room for a couple days continue to be mad to my parents and started

[00:33:27] to listen to your podcast again which helped actually oh yeah how do you know because

[00:33:31] just to hear that I'm not the only one yeah I know that there are probably even worse I don't

[00:33:37] think it's correct to compare it there are some work cases or not but yeah it sometimes

[00:33:42] just talking because I remember that night the next day the next morning when all that happened

[00:33:48] I locked myself in that room and my parents were just oh what are you doing just come outside

[00:33:52] like everything is fine but it's not fine and I just stopped talking to them and I went silent

[00:33:58] for multiple hours until I started to hear that my dad was getting worried like if something has

[00:34:04] happened to me I said just leave me alone I'm fine just leave me alone and then my brother came

[00:34:09] and he just the only phrase that actually worked he said come on I like I care about you but are you

[00:34:17] really okay do you really need some food you need some medicine you need some doctor is really

[00:34:21] everything okay that was this simple simple sentence which which also actually helped

[00:34:27] and just to talking or just to hear sometimes just to hear not not to hear what to do or

[00:34:32] what to not to do I don't know sometimes all these t-shirts talk about smart people smart doctors but

[00:34:40] sometimes just to hear that you're not alone and this is helpful yeah and that's some point in July

[00:34:48] you email so that was another question I had is why did you want to talk about it with me that's

[00:34:53] not you know listen most listeners don't reach out yeah first thing I think was that like before

[00:34:59] that I don't think I was mentally there where I could talk about it with this strange person with

[00:35:05] stranger stranger stranger yeah yeah that a memoratino for me oh good question we haven't

[00:35:11] gotten to yours yet but I'm thinking about it go on the fact that my parents knew about my past

[00:35:18] my brother knew about my past and we talked briefly about it I talked briefly about it

[00:35:24] with them more talking to my therapist about it with my psychiatrist because they also didn't

[00:35:29] know so many details back then and I'm thinking why not the only thing that I was worried about maybe

[00:35:34] earlier also is the language barrier no problem with that I mean I know people will understand

[00:35:39] so some people know about the attempt now my family and both doctors yeah did you ever get a

[00:35:45] diagnosis that you think is accurate or correct I never asked for any diagnosis I went out of

[00:35:52] the psychiatrist yeah and I just saw that it's written that it's basically depression makes sense

[00:35:57] but we switched we switched the medicines with everything and now everything is working also

[00:36:03] much better and I'm consistently taking them so that also works yeah when was the last

[00:36:08] time you thought about killing yourself that 9th of June so you almost said two months nice run

[00:36:13] okay do you worry like am I come back yes this is this is this is something I think still

[00:36:19] every single day but not in the way that I want to do something no because I never really

[00:36:25] I never before also I never really had plans that I thought about months before it happened no

[00:36:31] but to me I'm more thinking about how to how to accept what has happened and maybe to avoid it

[00:36:39] in the future and then I'm not sure if I want to yeah this is what we are we have been talking

[00:36:44] to my therapist also is that a lot quite a lot that to me in my head sometimes I feel like what is

[00:36:51] the point to live just in general if we all know that one day we won't be anymore so what's the

[00:36:56] point is it really point to suffer or to feel bad or anything like that I don't think so but

[00:37:03] yeah that is something that I'm struggling in the moment but I don't have anything

[00:37:07] that I would plan or think or no not at all when you told people in your family

[00:37:13] how did they respond do you remember it's awkward it was awkward because we were sitting in I don't

[00:37:19] know like a restaurant type of bar thing you were just drinking some tea or coffee and yeah

[00:37:25] it was awkward me myself I was just crying completely crying and not knowing what to say

[00:37:31] and how can you say to your parents what you've done so on what to respond as well

[00:37:35] especially knowing that I'm going to therapy I'm learning how to speak about these things

[00:37:41] but they don't right other than your therapist today right now if you're having a really shitty day

[00:37:47] maybe some thoughts that are concerning how many people do you have where you can talk to and

[00:37:53] not only talk to you but actually say a word like suicide and they not freak out not freak out

[00:38:01] probably none yeah but to tell but to say I would say to my brother and at least one friend

[00:38:09] for sure because she has she has studied psychology before and she knows what how to talk and she knows

[00:38:17] what to say sometimes so that helps sometimes as well so these days I know you enjoy your work

[00:38:24] you said I know you're in the meds help work helps like what helps you feel okay oh sports being

[00:38:30] back in sports being back at the golf course being back at the gym starting to meet friends again

[00:38:36] yeah because for past few months I've been isolating myself a lot always finding numerous

[00:38:42] reasons why not to meet and things like that just giving myself time as well and not pressuring

[00:38:48] myself too much I don't have a memo or title yet I don't know well you can email me later

[00:38:53] do you have one for yourself I haven't thought about it yeah most people

[00:38:58] I mean most people don't think about it oh they do so pink and purple pill I give Dita this pill she

[00:39:06] takes it she goes to sleep she dies peacefully nobody knows it's a suicide so what do you do

[00:39:12] want to give you that pill at this point if there would be a possibility to keep it I would just

[00:39:16] keep it you can keep it definitely not use it and definitely not throw it away here's the

[00:39:22] thing though I wonder should I put an expiration it should let's decide together you said

[00:39:27] if I can keep it later which yeah of course but should we put an expiration date on it just let

[00:39:32] people keep it forever and it's there for them if they want to use it I would say they can

[00:39:36] use it if they want to yeah I don't really care now this is a note to those out there who

[00:39:41] in this imaginary world receive such a pill when you're moving from one apartment or

[00:39:46] home to another be careful because people lose shit oh yeah I just moved so when's your birthday

[00:39:52] to 22nd of October so it's you'll be 34 33 are you're going to be 33 yeah yeah yeah October

[00:40:02] 22nd Libra yes it says Libras are obsessed with symmetry and strive to create equilibrium in all

[00:40:08] areas of life is that true actually my grandmother she was also into astrology she wasn't astrologist

[00:40:14] as well I know very detailed about mine sign that I'm actually more closer to the next sign

[00:40:20] rather than the the Libra what is it what is it we got the Scorpio what is Scorpio is like

[00:40:26] I don't know I don't remember I'm not too much into it but you said you're more like that sign

[00:40:31] yeah well she said she said that I'm more on that because she's she's she's she's looking at it

[00:40:37] like by minutes and seconds and everything in all the sun the moon that there yeah okay okay

[00:40:44] are there any myths or misconceptions around anything yeah I think that to me and what I thought

[00:40:50] of before as well I was one of those people who was thinking like that is just if you're talking

[00:40:55] about it it doesn't make it worse it actually helps talking helps a lot at least in my case definitely

[00:41:01] but I was the one that I was thinking always that no you can't talk about it it's it's a

[00:41:05] taboo thing and it's it's something that you shouldn't it could scare someone off

[00:41:11] if you talk about it but no it's not not like that at all that is my main thing that I've been

[00:41:16] thinking about it outside outside of this podcast if someone wanted to learn an instrument what's

[00:41:22] one piece of advice you would give them patience yeah man unfortunately for me and also probably

[00:41:31] don't use youtube or online learning too much I would go to an actual place where you can

[00:41:37] learn it because the environment and everything it makes it much nicer and when you meet people around

[00:41:43] with the similar interests it also helps what else would you like to share I'm not sure thank you

[00:41:49] probably to you sure I never thought I would do this but here we are I'm really I'm really glad

[00:41:55] you did yeah me too and you're very welcome and thank you what's the rest of your daylight so

[00:42:00] actually what is it like 8 p.m. there's 8 p.m. now yeah I will actually watch olympic games at

[00:42:06] the moment because at 7 p.m. there was a beach volleyball game between Latvian team and the

[00:42:13] Brazil team for women what I want to do though is see how many medals Latvia has at this point

[00:42:22] zero none no no none what sport are you most likely to get a medal in in those we already

[00:42:30] lost we lost there was a basketball three times three that one we lost last year we won gold

[00:42:37] also weightlifting we still have left I will thank you once again I really really do appreciate it

[00:42:42] because I know if even recently this was probably not gonna you weren't doing something like this

[00:42:48] with me yeah yeah but in my case I think medicine makes miracles so just so we're clear I don't

[00:42:56] think that's the memoir title but it's not bad medicine but the word but the word miracle

[00:43:02] could be included in my memoir title something like that there's three words that come to mind but I

[00:43:08] don't think they can work together in your memoir title for some reason I don't know it's miracle

[00:43:12] something about being a Scorpio I don't know why maybe I'm just that's a good one that's a good

[00:43:16] and uh something with drums yeah I agree because I think that's something you really like but

[00:43:21] it's also connected to the attempt yeah drums but maybe not that exact word but it's like connected

[00:43:26] to it yeah something connected this this is the process one goes through to come to the perfect

[00:43:32] memoir title we can continue that conversation all right T-Tat thank you thank you very very much

[00:43:39] I hope you enjoy the Olympics okay oh thank you thank you you're welcome all right talk soon

[00:43:44] take care okay thank you soon bye bye as always thanks so much for listening and all of your

[00:43:51] support and special thanks of course to Dita in Latvia thanks Dita if you are a suicide attempt

[00:43:56] survivor and you'd like to talk please reach out hello at SuicideNoted.com on Facebook or X at least

[00:44:03] for now at Suicide Noted and if you'd like to learn more about the podcast you can check

[00:44:08] the show notes that includes our membership of course any kind of support you can give whether

[00:44:13] I'm just listening or reaching out or well whatever it is I really appreciate it and that is all

[00:44:19] for episode number 233 stay strong do the best you can I'll talk to you soon