Craig in North Carolina

[00:00:00] I just have a vague sense of duty to fix things and help people, but that only gets you so far. I don't have hope for me anymore, so I'm out.

[00:00:51] Hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors, in large part to help more people in more places hopefully feel a little less shitty and a little less alone.

[00:01:01] Now if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:01:05] Hello at suicidenoted.com on Facebook or X at Suicide Noted.

[00:01:11] And if you'd like to learn more about the podcast, please check the show notes there.

[00:01:15] You can find all kinds of things, including our membership, if that's something you are curious about.

[00:01:21] And of course we could use that kind of support.

[00:01:23] If that's not your thing, just listen and maybe leave us a rating and review.

[00:01:28] That really helps too. Thank you.

[00:01:30] Finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast and I don't hold back, so please take that into account before you listen or as you listen.

[00:01:37] But I do hope you listen because there's so much to learn.

[00:01:40] Today I am talking with Craig.

[00:01:43] Craig lives in North Carolina and he is a suicide attempt survivor.

[00:01:50] Craig, what's up man? In the car.

[00:01:52] In the car. Let's just go right now. We're in a car.

[00:01:54] So can I tell people what city you're in or is that too much information?

[00:01:58] Yep, that's fine. Raleigh, North Carolina.

[00:02:00] Even funnier is I'm originally from upstate New York.

[00:02:02] Oh, well, I'm from downstate and I take that personally, but what part of upstate?

[00:02:05] Rochester.

[00:02:06] What are you doing down here?

[00:02:07] My wife's originally from here, so she was tired of living in New York, so we moved down here.

[00:02:12] Less snow, sure, not as cold.

[00:02:13] Nope.

[00:02:14] And you're a good husband.

[00:02:15] Yep, and I try to be.

[00:02:17] Yeah, man. And you're in a car. You know I ask if you've heard the podcast. I don't know how many episodes you've heard.

[00:02:22] I've heard quite a few.

[00:02:24] You have? Okay, cool. Isn't it weird that I just happen to be here?

[00:02:27] I know. It's funny when I heard it. I was like, oh man, I know where that is.

[00:02:29] So what kind of car are you in?

[00:02:31] I'm in a Ford Fiesta.

[00:02:32] Let's party, baby.

[00:02:33] All right.

[00:02:34] And you're wearing your seatbelt.

[00:02:37] Well, I just got here. I was meant to be home, but work kept me late, so.

[00:02:41] It's so symbolic, Craig.

[00:02:43] Talking about something difficult. I'm going to put my seatbelt on. I don't know if I can totally trust this guy.

[00:02:49] Ford Fiesta in a what? Like a driveway or a park somewhere in Raleigh?

[00:02:52] Walmart parking lot.

[00:02:54] Classic. One of my least favorite places on earth is not only Walmart, but big parking lots.

[00:02:59] I'm right there with you on it, but it was close to work and it's where I had to be, so.

[00:03:03] What kind of work do you do?

[00:03:04] I'm a maintenance guy for an animal shelter.

[00:03:07] Oh, interesting. Okay. And here we are and we're talking and you sent me an email.

[00:03:12] And I know you're in your mid to late 30s, I believe.

[00:03:15] I'm 38.

[00:03:16] Got a mustache and a beard. The audience wonders maybe.

[00:03:19] That's fair. I'm just lazy is what it comes down to if I'm honest.

[00:03:21] Right. I appreciate honesty, if nothing else. Got a sort of, I wouldn't say blue. I wouldn't say purple.

[00:03:26] It's somewhere in between, sure. What's the first thing you want to talk about? We'll go from there.

[00:03:30] I'll just start with my attempt.

[00:03:32] Wait, so you're just going to just dive right into the attempt?

[00:03:35] Sure. Why not? I've got one attempt, a few that I call many attempts, but the one main attempt was,

[00:03:40] let's see, July 6th, D-Day. I don't remember much of the day. I just normal work day. I remember

[00:03:48] leaving work and someone said, see you. And I said, yeah, maybe. Have a great day. Like,

[00:03:52] you know, kind of joking. Not really meaning anything. At least that's how she took it.

[00:03:56] Went home, got my .38 Special revolver. First, I wanted to feel how the trigger was up against my head and see if I had enough guts to do it.

[00:04:05] So I put it up my head with empty, squeeze it, but surprised by how quick it was because I've shot up before, but never in this type of scenario, of course.

[00:04:13] And so I put two bullets in. My wife came home. She was going to leave and go with friends for the rest of the night.

[00:04:19] So I had the rest of the night ready. She was just about to leave. And then my work called.

[00:04:24] Something broke. I had to come in. Pretty much broke down crying because I'm like, why today?

[00:04:28] I'm ready. I'm ready to do this. Why is something have to break?

[00:04:32] And me being the mechanic, Mr. Fix-It, got to help everybody except for myself. I stopped what I was doing, drove out and took care of what was broken.

[00:04:41] That was about the closest I ever got. I mean, it's not, it's pretty close, I would say, but not right there.

[00:04:45] Yeah. Pretty damn close.

[00:04:47] Yeah. So I had, when I came home after it, I had to unload the gun and put the bullets away so my wife wouldn't find it. And yeah.

[00:04:53] So would you have done it?

[00:04:54] Yeah. A hundred percent. I already had the notes written out. They're actually in my backpack right next to me.

[00:04:59] I carry them with me every day because I'm probably going to do it in September.

[00:05:03] Okay. We got a lot to discuss, Craig.

[00:05:07] I figured I'd just verbal diarrhea and we'll go from there.

[00:05:09] That's the best kind of diarrhea. When you say July 6th, D-Day, D-Day for a reason or just happened to be D-Day?

[00:05:16] Nope. It was just, I finished the notes, I think the week before is just happened to be, everything came apart.

[00:05:23] I feel bad because I don't remember what happened that day, but it was just a shit day.

[00:05:27] I had enough. Everything was in line. Everything that was broken was fixed. I had my notes done. I had everything ready to go.

[00:05:34] Everything was in line and everything was fixed because you're Mr. Mechanic.

[00:05:38] Yep.

[00:05:38] And if you've heard the podcast, you know where I'm going to go here?

[00:05:41] I have a guess, but I don't know. I've been, I'm not the smartest, but I'll bubble the bun.

[00:05:45] I'm sure you're fine. Like, let's just say my first, our first option for your memoir title is Mr. Mechanic.

[00:05:51] I'm not saying where the conversation is over there. More importantly, July 6th, meaning last month, 2024.

[00:05:58] Or June 6th. I'm sorry, not July. I apologize. I had the day wrong.

[00:06:01] Oh, some of the listeners are probably up in arms. He just corrected himself.

[00:06:05] All the veterans are going to, no one's going to call me. Don't worry. No one's messaging.

[00:06:09] So June 6th, July 6th, August 6th. So it's like 10 weeks ago and you would have died.

[00:06:14] 100%. Yep.

[00:06:15] You didn't get a call to go in and fix something.

[00:06:17] Yeah. And it was something so stupid. I was quite pissed off about it because they could have fixed it themselves.

[00:06:24] Here's a question. Only in the effort to understand what people are going through and thinking and feeling,

[00:06:30] particularly when they're in these moments, why did you respond to that call?

[00:06:35] You know, thought about that, but my issue was I didn't want anyone to find me in case I didn't do it right.

[00:06:41] So I only put two bullets in. That's about it. That's all I could think of is really, I don't mean, maybe it's just my, I have to fix it.

[00:06:47] I'm responsible for this. This is my job because that's priority number one.

[00:06:51] But that was pretty much it is I didn't want to get found and I have to fix things.

[00:06:56] So your words, I fixed everything else except for myself or something like that.

[00:07:00] When you go home that night, there's a gun. You got guns and bullets.

[00:07:04] I didn't have enough time because I knew my wife would be home soon and I didn't want to be found and I didn't want her to find me partially alive.

[00:07:12] There's a chance I could miss and have to bleed out.

[00:07:15] So when you were going to do it and plan to do it before you got the call, was your brain or mind, I should say, in a space to know my wife will find me?

[00:07:25] So I actually have a note that I'm, I have notes.

[00:07:27] Then I have another note I'm going to put on the door saying, don't come into X area because that's where I am.

[00:07:31] Call 911. You don't need to see this.

[00:07:33] As we talk here, you are within a month planning to end your life.

[00:07:39] Correct.

[00:07:39] Let me ask you a question. I do a lot of that.

[00:07:42] Apparently, I'm not supposed to ask, but if you ever want to ask a question you're not supposed to ask, just start a podcast.

[00:07:48] Why?

[00:07:49] I'm tired. I've fought this for years.

[00:07:52] I'm done. I just don't get, I just don't have the fight in me anymore.

[00:07:55] I can't deal with it anymore. I can't, I just can't fight.

[00:07:58] I had the day, the day, the relationships, everything. It's just, it's too much for me.

[00:08:04] I can't deal with it anymore. I mean, I've tried, I've worked hard.

[00:08:08] You know, I've had some good years. I've had some good times.

[00:08:11] Just I've made, I've made one too many mistakes and I'm, I can't fix it. So I'm done.

[00:08:16] I don't want to roll like this. I don't want to be stuck.

[00:08:19] What's the, this that you're tired of? You said some of it. That's why I'm sort of pushing.

[00:08:23] Like, what do you mean this? Tired of life?

[00:08:25] Tired of life, tired of work, tired of relationships, tired of dealing with people, just everything.

[00:08:31] I wake up every day wishing I didn't wake up. It's just not worth it.

[00:08:35] I go to bed every night praying to a God I don't believe in that I will die.

[00:08:39] Outside of people like in your immediate circle and perhaps including them, do they know how you feel?

[00:08:43] No. One person that I work with knows, but doesn't know everything. And that's about it.

[00:08:48] Yeah. I've tried to explain it to my wife, but then she gets to the point where

[00:08:52] my childhood wasn't bad enough. She had a rough childhood. I get it. But I had a decent one. I

[00:08:58] wasn't great. Wasn't bad.

[00:09:00] Upstate New York, middle of the road.

[00:09:02] Can't complain. And that's part of the reason why I wanted to talk here too. Cause I,

[00:09:06] you know, I mean, you give more of the demographic of, you know, wasn't terrible. I can't complain,

[00:09:12] but yeah, I mean, I, I, I really do genuinely appreciate anyone who comes on here, but

[00:09:16] we don't get as many men and we, and I think it's interesting. This probably does skew a little

[00:09:21] bit more towards really rough fucking childhood. So I'm always like intrigued, like, okay. So

[00:09:27] as you say, middle of the road and not that we're like, this isn't therapy. We're not coming up with

[00:09:32] any, I'm not, I don't need to know the whys and there's no fucking solutions. I respect your,

[00:09:37] everything you're saying and even your plans.

[00:09:40] Thank you. I'm an introvert. I don't like hearing my voice. I don't plan to hear it. I pretty much

[00:09:45] plan to give everything I can to you. You do it through the rest. And if somebody I know finds it,

[00:09:52] somebody knows I find it. They don't, they don't. That helps somebody. I'll be happy.

[00:09:56] Hmm. I'm sure it will.

[00:09:58] Yeah. I mean, just hearing you talk to so many people and dealing with this majority of life,

[00:10:03] like you've said a million times, nobody talks about it much anymore. So if I can help the one

[00:10:08] person after I'm gone, do something, help them get better. Great. I'm happy. I'm glad I can help

[00:10:13] you because I do like helping people, but I'm tired. On June 6th, 2024, you almost took your life. Do

[00:10:20] you think that it was anything beyond coincidence as to why you didn't? I mean, it feels like a part of

[00:10:24] the universe didn't want me to go, but I don't necessarily a hundred percent believe in that,

[00:10:28] but it is very weird. The circumstances of why I didn't do it of how I got pulled away,

[00:10:34] I guess is a better way to say it because they ran out of gas in their van and they were

[00:10:38] literally 10 feet from the gas pump and I don't know how to put it neutral to push to the gas pump.

[00:10:41] I would be that guy probably. It was a new van. I get it, but it's still frustrating. And

[00:10:46] so I partially believe in that. That's might be the reason why, but I don't, I'm more of just

[00:10:53] crazy circumstances. So when do you still, cause you said you've listened to the podcast many episodes.

[00:10:58] Did you binge or have you been listening for a while? I've binged probably for the past three or

[00:11:03] four months. That's pretty much all I listened to. I can't listen all the time, but I have to

[00:11:07] listen mostly kind of work on my way to and home stuff like that. Cause nobody else knows I really

[00:11:11] listened to this. Right. Secret started listening. Obviously you didn't hate it or you probably

[00:11:17] wouldn't keep listening. I love it actually. Awesome. Do you remember in your 38 years when

[00:11:24] you first started thinking about maybe taking your own life? Probably in middle school,

[00:11:27] somewhere around there, I was starting to get bullied heavy at home, get bullied at school.

[00:11:32] I didn't necessarily have a plan that I knew we got a lot of guns, but I had too much respect for

[00:11:36] to use them. So I would look at like, Hey, there's a train. I could jump in front of that

[00:11:41] or there's a semi. I could do that. But then I'd think I'd feel bad for the person who's driving it.

[00:11:46] That would put my pain onto them.

[00:11:48] And are you thinking that way? Right. Inconsistently or intermittently for the last 25

[00:11:52] years? Cause I think if I'm doing the math, right.

[00:11:54] Yeah. Uh, pretty much. I had probably a good, let me see, three years where I didn't think about it

[00:12:00] too heavy. Life was pretty decent then. Um, but yeah, pretty much except for those three years,

[00:12:05] I think about it daily. So I always wonder when someone's thinking about it for such a long period

[00:12:09] of time and they don't try, like you said one thing is for example, with the train, you don't want the,

[00:12:15] okay. Well, the reason why you may not have done it, but I imagine, was there other reasons what that

[00:12:20] stopped you? Maybe, uh, I felt that I had to do something else. Like, you know, I had to go fix

[00:12:26] something the next day or help somebody do something like that. But other than that is just

[00:12:29] mostly, I wasn't smart enough of other ways. I didn't want to bother the other people and I

[00:12:35] didn't want to use a gun and I don't want to use a gun, but I did that one time.

[00:12:39] Oh, so September is a different method.

[00:12:41] Correct. Yes. Um, I'm going to use inert gas. Two other methods is back up in case I,

[00:12:46] that doesn't work out. I'm going to get the tank. Probably I got to get refilled this week or next

[00:12:50] week. So what's it like living your life? Our conversation is part of that, but even more so

[00:12:55] when you're not talking about it, which is, I think most of the time knowing you are likely going

[00:13:00] to be dead in, uh, some weeks. It's strangely freeing. Like I don't, some things I'll think

[00:13:06] about and that's like, I don't have to worry about that because that'll be a couple months from now

[00:13:09] and I'll be dead. It sounds sad, but I'm trying to do more things like go out to eat a little more

[00:13:13] because I don't have to worry about watching my weight now. Don't have to worry about money as much.

[00:13:17] Yeah, exactly. I mean, I'm trying to save as much money as I can because I know it's

[00:13:20] going to be tough on my wife and finances and all that stuff, but yeah, it was a guy I noticed who

[00:13:25] just, you know, it was like probably walking to his car in a white shirt. I wonder if he has any idea

[00:13:31] what we're talking about. Of course he doesn't. Nope. No clue. Probably thinks a job interview.

[00:13:36] This is a good time to remind people that we do have a membership. I never usually say this during

[00:13:41] the conversation. That's why I did this because I couldn't get, I didn't want to, I don't have the

[00:13:45] money to send. So I figured at least I can give you an episode. Couldn't be, uh, couldn't be more

[00:13:50] appreciate it. Um, so 38 special, no more. It's my backup backup plan. That's my last resort. If I

[00:13:57] have to, I will, but I'm pretty sure the other, one of the other methods will work fine. All right.

[00:14:01] So if you're, if your backup backup plan is a 38 special, you were going to be dead and you

[00:14:07] clearly want to be dead. Like I said, the best way I can put it is I'm just tired. I'm not tired of

[00:14:12] fighting. You ever go to a therapist? Uh, no, I have not. I have tried in the past,

[00:14:18] but I didn't have money. Didn't have insurance. Um, or I've been waitlisted because I tried

[00:14:23] probably about maybe a month ago. I got waitlisted for five of them. I did it more of a promise

[00:14:29] just to the coworker who knows about it. What does your coworker say? She said it would

[00:14:35] literally destroy her if I do it. And she really doesn't want me to, but she's not going to like

[00:14:41] call anybody the authorities or she doesn't know that I'm this point. I feel bad, but I lied to her a

[00:14:47] bit because I'm, you know, I'm saying I'm doing better and put on my face of, you know, smile,

[00:14:54] nod. So that's what I do. I know it's going to hurt a lot of people and I'm feel bad.

[00:14:59] Yeah. That just speaks to your pain though. That's worse.

[00:15:02] I know they'll be able to get over it because they've got over, not suicide, but other things

[00:15:07] of losing people. They'll be able to do it. And I hope my notes give them some sort of closure,

[00:15:12] some sort of window into my pain and why I did it.

[00:15:17] So it's a safe bet that zero people know we're talking.

[00:15:19] No, nobody knows.

[00:15:21] How many notes are there?

[00:15:22] There are nine.

[00:15:24] Nine envelopes to nine different people?

[00:15:26] I think it's 12 people because some of them are doubles, like my parents, brother, wife. I got

[00:15:31] one for EMS and police because I feel bad for them.

[00:15:34] Oh, you're thinking about people a lot.

[00:15:36] They're doing a favor and they're just doing their job. And I understand that and have some

[00:15:41] passion for them.

[00:15:42] And I don't think that's uncommon.

[00:15:44] Yeah. I think it's common for people to want to end their lives and be

[00:15:48] constantly thinking about others. Comes up all the time here. Sealed up, names on the envelope.

[00:15:54] Were those hard to write?

[00:15:56] Yeah. A few of them I broke down, but I powered through them. I've probably,

[00:16:01] a few of them I've gone through different changes, changed a few things.

[00:16:04] Between the first attempt and now?

[00:16:06] Correct. Yep. You know, things changed or just thought of something,

[00:16:10] you know, stuff like that. I created another one for my nephew because I see him going down a

[00:16:15] similar path as when I was his age. So I wanted to help steer him. He may not listen, but at least

[00:16:20] give him a little guidance.

[00:16:21] Were there other things when you were growing up that you think may have contributed to this?

[00:16:25] So you talked about bullying and I know you're probably speculating here, but was there other

[00:16:29] stuff?

[00:16:30] I mean, how I grew up was, you know, be a man, hide your emotions, smile or not through it.

[00:16:35] Probably didn't help. You know, don't talk about anything. I've grew up an Irish Catholic family. So

[00:16:39] stuff everything down, regret everything, pray that you'll be forgiven later.

[00:16:44] Have a whole lot of fucking guilt.

[00:16:46] Yep. Exactly.

[00:16:47] So do you practice Catholicism?

[00:16:49] Nope. I don't really believe in anything. I believe there might be a power. I don't forget

[00:16:54] what the name of it. I apologize, but you know, there might be something, but I don't really

[00:16:57] believe in any organized religion.

[00:16:59] Do you think that when you die, you go somewhere?

[00:17:02] I think it's nothing. You go to sleep, man, nothing, but I don't really know.

[00:17:07] So yeah, that's what I hope, I guess is more of a better way to put it.

[00:17:10] Why'd you have two bullets and not one?

[00:17:12] In case I woke up so that I could try to shoot again.

[00:17:16] Do you think you have something that a therapist or a doctor or counselor could diagnose you

[00:17:22] as and it might be accurate?

[00:17:23] I mean, besides depression, I don't think so. But I mean, like I said, I never went to

[00:17:29] one before.

[00:17:29] Do you think that you could be feeling the way you're feeling and not be depressed?

[00:17:33] I mean, right now I'm not terribly depressed. I mean, I'm sad and I feel with, you know,

[00:17:39] I want everything to end, but I mean, you know, I go get lunch at a local restaurant because

[00:17:45] why not?

[00:17:46] I know it's kind of interesting to me.

[00:17:49] So, I mean, I find more joy things, but even then, I mean, I smoke weed almost every night

[00:17:54] to try to, you know, level myself out, not feel anything. And even when I'm high, I'm still

[00:17:59] like, yeah, you're a piece of shit. You need to die.

[00:18:01] Weird question, given all that you have shared. Why are you waiting?

[00:18:06] It's my wife's birthday coming up. I don't really want it too near that for her to spoil

[00:18:11] her birthday. I'm just waiting for the time where I have the house to myself.

[00:18:16] Yeah. Because I was thinking, and some people will hear this and they might be like, that's

[00:18:20] pretty fucking morbid. But you try on June 6th, you get this call, you come home, you go

[00:18:27] to bed or at some point. You know, my thinking is like, if someone really wants to die, and

[00:18:32] I believe you do, June 7th, June 8th, June 9th.

[00:18:37] She gets home before me and I don't really have anywhere else. I'm alone in the state.

[00:18:41] I don't really know anything. Honestly, the other thing that didn't help was moving here.

[00:18:44] I mean, nothing against North Carolina, but I've lost my family, lost my friends. I have

[00:18:49] nothing. I think that was kind of the final thing that pushed me over the edge.

[00:18:52] When did you move here?

[00:18:54] I moved here the beginning of 2021. I can't remember.

[00:18:59] This is going to be a weird question, a hard question, with the understanding that your

[00:19:02] wife will probably never hear that. How do you feel about your wife?

[00:19:05] We're having some problems. That's not part of it, but it doesn't help. I mean, we all

[00:19:11] pretend everything's fine. Life is great, but I see she may not be the best fit for me. Maybe a

[00:19:17] little bit of, not a user, but I can't think of the right word. So I love her. Don't get me

[00:19:21] wrong. Yeah. That's part of the problem. I haven't treated her the best either. And

[00:19:25] you know, she hasn't treated me the best either. So it's kind of washes one hand, wash the other

[00:19:29] type of thing. How long have you been married?

[00:19:32] We've married in 2017, been together since 2010.

[00:19:36] Wow.

[00:19:37] Things kind of more changed when we moved down here. Things were different when we were in

[00:19:40] New York together. But when she got down here, things changed. I can't really put a finger

[00:19:45] on it exactly. So we've been very distant. I've made other mistakes in my life.

[00:19:50] So nobody knows you attempted.

[00:19:52] No, except for the one coworker friend.

[00:19:55] Oh, you did tell her that specifically as well.

[00:19:57] That I attempted?

[00:19:58] Yeah.

[00:19:59] Yeah, correct.

[00:20:00] That would freak a lot of people out.

[00:20:02] Yeah, it freaked her out. She knows I'm, she knows I thought about it. I told her a lot.

[00:20:06] She knows a good portion of me and stuff like that. She honestly knows probably more than

[00:20:10] my wife. And because my wife's never been open for talking, she always shuts down. And I'm

[00:20:15] not trying to blame her. I don't want that. Like, it's not her fault. That's fine. She has

[00:20:19] her own demons. I get it.

[00:20:20] So you go through your days and you don't talk to anybody ever about this. And occasionally

[00:20:25] with the coworker a little bit.

[00:20:27] Correct. I write a lot of journal entries, but notes to myself of things I feel, things

[00:20:31] I'm thinking, stuff like that. And that helps. That was a bandaid on the wound, but it didn't

[00:20:36] stop me. It's not stopping me. It helps a little bit. It relieves a little pressure.

[00:20:39] Is that journal going to be available to people in your life?

[00:20:42] Nope. That'll be deleted. It's all digital on my phone. So the only thing that'll be left

[00:20:47] to my phone is text messages, pictures, and voice. So all the other things that people

[00:20:51] tie up before they die, the loose ends, so to speak, is that what you're in the middle

[00:20:56] of doing?

[00:20:57] Yeah, I'm pretty much done. I just need to fix a few things on my car. So it'd be good

[00:21:00] for her. Other than that, everything is pretty much done.

[00:21:03] You have a date?

[00:21:04] I don't have an exact date. First or second week. That's somewhere in that range. I can't

[00:21:08] pick exact dates. I don't know when she works or when she's off or when she's gone in the

[00:21:12] house. And I don't want to do it somewhere not around the house because then she's worried

[00:21:17] how to get the car back, you know, all that stuff. And I don't want somebody else to find

[00:21:20] me and be traumatized and give them problems.

[00:21:23] Right. You think she'll be... How do you think she'll respond? I mean, this is an impossible

[00:21:27] question to answer, I guess.

[00:21:29] She's going to be destroyed. I know that. I mean, I know she's not going to be well for

[00:21:32] it and I feel terrible. Yeah, I really hope she listens to my note saying don't come into

[00:21:37] the garage or don't go behind the garage or go in the woods because I got a couple different

[00:21:40] locations. I don't know depending on where I do it, but whichever note that I put out

[00:21:44] there saying don't go that way. I hope she listens and calls the police. But yeah, I know

[00:21:48] it's not going to be easy for her. I mean, I know she's luckily down here with her...

[00:21:51] We're here because of her family. So she has her sister, her mother, close friends, stuff

[00:21:55] like that.

[00:21:55] So if I asked you when you were five... Not five, that's too young. 10, 15, 20, 25. I know

[00:22:02] you were thinking... See, I kind of know the answer here because what I was going to ask

[00:22:06] is at 38, you will have taken your own life. What would you have said? Let's say half your

[00:22:11] life ago. What would I have been? 19 years old. Let's use that as a number.

[00:22:15] Get help now. Go stay in school. Don't be an idiot and don't chase women. Find myself is pretty

[00:22:20] much what I should say. Don't fill the void with other people.

[00:22:23] And you would have stayed in school or gone to school?

[00:22:25] Yeah, I was in college, but I dropped out to move here for the first time back in the

[00:22:30] 2010, 2009, something like that.

[00:22:31] I don't have to ask you the pink and purple pill question, do I?

[00:22:34] Oh, I love that question. Yes, I'll take in a heartbeat. Give it me now.

[00:22:36] Go to sleep, die peacefully. No one knows it's a suicide. Right now, I give it to you through

[00:22:42] Zoom in your Ford Fiesta at the Walmart parking lot with your bluish shirt on. You just take

[00:22:48] it right now. Done.

[00:22:49] Not now. I'll go home, take it when I go to sleep, make it look like I fell asleep and

[00:22:53] didn't wake up.

[00:22:54] You know what? I wonder how many people go to sleep thinking that.

[00:22:57] I bet you a lot.

[00:22:59] And then I wonder, and these are obviously things you can't ever know, but what percentage

[00:23:03] of them at some point think, man, I'm glad I didn't die in my sleep all those times I

[00:23:08] thought that. And there are, I wonder how many people are like, nope, still feeling that way

[00:23:13] because you're one of those people.

[00:23:14] Oh, 100%. Yeah, I'm definitely one of those people. I wish it was different to a small

[00:23:18] degree, but...

[00:23:19] If I told you somehow magically, let's use it a different color pill, orange pill, if I

[00:23:26] magically somehow could guarantee in a certain period of time, you really would feel different

[00:23:31] about everything. Like if it was tomorrow, you'd be like, cool. But if it was a year,

[00:23:36] I don't know. If it's 10 years, that's probably too long to us. Like you wake up and somehow

[00:23:40] it's all fucking okay.

[00:23:42] If it was the next day, maybe, but I'd also want it to just change who I am. I hate myself.

[00:23:47] I hate who I am, what I am. I hate everything about me. So if it would wipe me clean, wipe

[00:23:52] my memories and start me as a new person, sure.

[00:23:54] Is there anything you like about yourself or at least don't hate about yourself?

[00:23:58] Not really. Even my ability to fix things, I hate it because then I just, people use

[00:24:02] me for it. So what's the point? So not really now too early. And that's a part of the reason

[00:24:07] why I don't want to be here anymore. I hate myself. Hell, looking on Zoom, looking at myself

[00:24:11] in the corner, I hate it.

[00:24:13] Oh, you need good lighting.

[00:24:15] Just playing.

[00:24:16] No, it's a metaphor. Not a good one.

[00:24:19] When you think about all you've gone through, the question around myths or misconceptions,

[00:24:25] did any come to mind that you want to dispel?

[00:24:26] Well, honestly, I've thought a lot about this since I got your email and the only thing

[00:24:30] I can come up with, and it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense, but I've heard a lot

[00:24:34] of people say it's not selfish. I've heard a lot of people, some people say it is selfish.

[00:24:37] I think it's a bit of both. I know what I'm doing is selfish to everybody else, but also

[00:24:41] it's not selfish because I'm done. I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore. I think it's

[00:24:46] more of a not one way or the other. It's kind of in the middle.

[00:24:49] You know, what's really interesting to me is people that feel the way you feel when you say

[00:24:54] you go to work and I don't know if you're like smiling the whole time, but you're presenting.

[00:24:58] Oh yeah. I smile. I put the face on, smile and nod.

[00:25:02] But isn't that exceptionally difficult and tiring?

[00:25:05] Oh, gotcha. I remember I looked at the security camera at my work one day and I was looking for

[00:25:09] something else, but I saw me walk past somebody. Smile, a nice wave. Second, they're gone. Just back

[00:25:14] to resting, tired of everything. Second, I see somebody, light up again. That's tiring. I hate putting

[00:25:20] on that face every single day, multiple times a day. What do you do other than work that doesn't

[00:25:25] suck? I used to play video games, but that lost interest. I used to work on cars a lot, but since

[00:25:31] moving here, I've lost that. I used to ride motorcycle, but since moving here, I lost that.

[00:25:35] Really smoke, watch stupid shows. That's about it.

[00:25:39] Favorite show?

[00:25:40] I like Letter Kenny. It's a Canadian comedy show about a bunch of hick farmers. And that's kind of

[00:25:45] where I grew up was upstate New York with a bunch of hick farmers. So it's relatable.

[00:25:48] Sure. So what happens, and I know this is a long shot, what happens if all three don't work?

[00:25:55] I'll do it again. I'll find another way. I'll try again. My biggest fear is being found and being

[00:26:02] institutionalized and having that chance of having a great time and being helped in the

[00:26:08] institution or being hurt and damaged and just smile and nod and lie. I mean, that's what I've learned

[00:26:13] from listening to people.

[00:26:14] Yeah.

[00:26:15] And especially here in Raleigh, I'm guaranteeing it's probably going to be terrible. Yeah. I'm not

[00:26:20] going to, I'm not going to give up. That's kind of funny to say.

[00:26:23] It really is. Wait a second. That's the memoir title done. I would, I love it because you're saying

[00:26:30] that it's suggesting like, oh, he's got hope, but like a big, bold subtitle that says something like,

[00:26:38] nah, fuck off. Or just something. Help me out. What do you got?

[00:26:41] I'm not going to give up trying to kill myself is all I got. That's why I have so many methods on

[00:26:45] standby. I'm pretty sure the first one will work, but the other ones I'll try again. I'm not going

[00:26:50] to tell anybody because then they'll take those tools away from me.

[00:26:53] You usually do this podcast with zero fear once in a while when someone is so certain there's a

[00:26:58] little voice. If the wrong people hear this and you didn't tell Craig to call 1-800-blah, blah,

[00:27:05] blah, we're going to hold you. We're going to sue you. We're going to take you to jail.

[00:27:08] Well, so let me ask you this, Craig. Is there anything I could say to you that would change your

[00:27:14] mind? Nope. Just wanted that to be very clear. And I appreciate the offer of trying to help. I do.

[00:27:20] You know where I stand. Oh yeah. And that's one thing I greatly appreciate about your podcast and

[00:27:25] you. You do fantastic work. I appreciate that. And now's a good time to let people know again,

[00:27:31] if you want to make a financial contribution to the Suicide Noted Podcast and its founder and host,

[00:27:37] Sean Wellington, message me really like today. You will be the like, isn't this astounding

[00:27:46] 230 something episode? It's like, wow, it's a lot of fucking people.

[00:27:51] It is. That's a lot of works. I give you credit.

[00:27:53] It is some work. I wonder of those people, how many aren't here anymore?

[00:27:58] Yes. I mean, from the ones I've heard, I feel like there's more people that are on the other side or

[00:28:03] being more hopeful than there are people like me, but there's probably a good percentage.

[00:28:08] Yeah. But there's, there's probably some, and I imagine for some people that are ready to go,

[00:28:13] they're not even bothering with messaging me. They're done. What else did you want to talk about

[00:28:17] when you were thinking about coming on and the conversations you've heard or the questions

[00:28:21] there, which we've weirdly gotten through most of them. I'm looking at them right now.

[00:28:26] Yeah. I mean, I will say that for the day I did for probably about a week afterwards,

[00:28:30] I did feel really good. I felt positive. I kind of felt like I wanted to live a little bit,

[00:28:33] but then it just slowly kind of crawled back in and was like, yeah, but it's the same shit.

[00:28:38] Still hate yourself. You still got to go to work. Still got to deal with everything.

[00:28:42] Didn't stick and it wasn't worth it. Why do you think you felt better?

[00:28:44] I don't know. I really don't know. I just had a good feeling about things. And part of it is

[00:28:49] I've been thinking more about leaving my wife. So that was, you know, I was like, well,

[00:28:53] maybe we can make it work. Maybe we can make it, you know, stay, but it's like, no,

[00:28:56] same shit, same thing. And I don't want to say that's the reason I'm killing myself.

[00:29:01] You know, I thought like, well, maybe we can make this work. No, it's the same shit over and

[00:29:04] over again. Nothing changes. Even try talking to her. Nothing changes.

[00:29:07] Do you have friends?

[00:29:09] So I have one friend that's still in New York and then I have a coworker. I've had a few

[00:29:12] friends here and there, but that's another subject that I have difficulty with because,

[00:29:17] you know, making friends is difficult. And then she's kind of controlling on how I

[00:29:21] hung out with my friends when I was, you know, living in New York, stuff like that.

[00:29:25] So that didn't help anything.

[00:29:26] Yeah. You're 38. So I don't know where middle age starts, but you're not too far away.

[00:29:31] There's just this group of people that I'm so intrigued by and then it's middle age, but it,

[00:29:36] you know, because I'm a man, I guess more men. It's interesting. It's just, there's a better word

[00:29:41] than that where you get to this point and everyone's got this unique story, but it's kind of not so

[00:29:47] unique. Right. And it's like, it's just not working out. And I've lived long enough. And I know

[00:29:52] myself in some ways well enough to say, it's not going to change much. Can I? And there'll be

[00:29:59] people, mostly not people who listen to this podcast, you know, they'll be like, but it,

[00:30:03] but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, okay, great. But I get that. And so the question then is

[00:30:08] like, yeah, you either accept that, keep trudging through or you don't.

[00:30:12] I think a lot of it is a lot of people have kids and that's what keeps them going. I don't have any

[00:30:16] kids. I never wanted them. I mean, I did want a little bit, but not in this world,

[00:30:20] not with the one I make and all that stuff. I don't have that. My dog passed away two years ago.

[00:30:25] Don't have that anymore. Yep. She was my, pretty much my daughter. I know that it'll piss some

[00:30:29] people off, but at this point, I don't care. I mean, like you said, in some ways it's freeing.

[00:30:34] Yeah. Do you feel, uh, given that it's, I don't know, three to four weeks away is,

[00:30:40] so you said earlier there's a lightness. Did I get that correctly?

[00:30:43] Yeah. I feel like it's, I don't have to worry about stuff as much as anymore. I mean,

[00:30:47] things at work. They're like, yeah, this month you're going to have to do this. Sure. Not my

[00:30:51] problem. At least someone else's problem. You know, stuff like that. Thinking about repairs in

[00:30:55] my house that are going to have to be done years down the road that I know will have to be fixed.

[00:30:59] Should probably sell the house. So I don't have to worry about it. Freeing and kind of nice. And I

[00:31:03] know that I could live off of that, but it's not, it's just going to come back because then I'm

[00:31:07] going to keep living. So why? It's a really weird place to be in. It's freeing. It's nice,

[00:31:12] but it's also depressing, sad, wanting to give up. I put my time in, I fought for 30 some odd years.

[00:31:20] I'm done. It's not going to get any better. It's only going to go downhill from here,

[00:31:22] which I know that's subjective. It goes same thing with the what if brigade, but.

[00:31:26] Sure. I mean, you could do that forever if you want, but it's not worth it to me. I'd rather go

[00:31:30] out on my own terms, not deal with it anymore. Go to sleep and not wake up.

[00:31:34] Would you want there to be a way where you could end your life with, for lack of a better word,

[00:31:39] sort of like a death with dignity thing? Like, Oh God, I wish. I mean, I would love that. I wish

[00:31:45] that was a thing. I mean, it's just such a stigma of you're a terrible person for thinking this way.

[00:31:50] You're hurting everybody. You know, like I've gave my fair shot. I've tried. Just let me be.

[00:31:54] There's a million other people that have replaced me. I'm good. The world doesn't need me.

[00:31:58] It's a good memoir title, but we've already decided. So stop baiting me, Craig.

[00:32:02] Sorry.

[00:32:03] Do you think that if somebody is wanting to end their own life, they are by definition,

[00:32:09] however you define it, mentally ill?

[00:32:11] No, they're not mentally ill. They could be.

[00:32:13] Sure.

[00:32:14] But no, I don't feel like I'm mentally ill. Yes, I have some problems, but I'm pretty sane. I mean,

[00:32:20] everyone else thinks I'm sane enough to keep living this life.

[00:32:23] Yeah.

[00:32:24] Why wouldn't I be sane enough to decide to end it?

[00:32:26] Yeah. And you do a lot of things in your life that are reflective of somebody who's

[00:32:30] at least somewhat sane. So I don't necessarily think so. And that's also an unfair. I mean,

[00:32:36] I know I'm a little more in the world of the suicide thinking about it regularly, but it's just

[00:32:41] shitty how people treat people even talking about it. It's like such a taboo, such a negative,

[00:32:46] terrible thing.

[00:32:47] Yeah. So when's your birthday?

[00:32:49] February. I will not see my birthday.

[00:32:51] You will not see your birthday.

[00:32:53] Nope. I'll see you next year.

[00:32:54] You won't see cold weather?

[00:32:56] Nope. What you said, because I actually, that's, I love, no, and all that stuff.

[00:32:59] Like up in Rochester, I love playing in it, driving in it, snowmobiling, snowboarding.

[00:33:04] I miss it. Definitely regret of mine moving.

[00:33:06] Did you ever think about just hopping in your car and going back?

[00:33:08] Oh yeah. I just don't, we don't have the money to move back with all of her stuff.

[00:33:12] She doesn't want to leave. She's happy here with her family, friends. And it's a,

[00:33:16] honestly, that was another reason why I probably didn't really do it when I was in New York.

[00:33:19] Cause she's stuck there with a family she doesn't really like, except for one or two people.

[00:33:24] She's away from her family and friends. So I didn't want to burden her with that.

[00:33:28] Now she's here. She's got support. She can take care of herself more than I can end my life.

[00:33:34] So are you leaving work? Are you going to go home after this?

[00:33:36] Yep. I'm going to go home.

[00:33:37] So when we, when we end this meeting, you're going to drive home and you're going to, is she home?

[00:33:43] Uh, no, she probably won't be home. Well, if anyone, we finished, but.

[00:33:46] She's going to walk in the door and have absolutely no idea anything, not only that we talk, but she

[00:33:53] just doesn't know anything that's going on. Correct. I mean, she, I think she has an idea

[00:33:56] that I'm not happy. Cause I'm, I'm not, you know, that's not pretty obvious. And she did talk to me

[00:34:02] once probably about a month ago saying, you know, I worry that I'm going to come home. You're going

[00:34:05] to be dead. She's like, promise me you won't do that. Like I will try my best knowing that I will.

[00:34:11] I've tried talking to her and she just, she's not that helpful, I guess, which is terrible today.

[00:34:16] I mean, she's talked about getting me therapy and then we have to spend money on this or

[00:34:21] change a job and insurance is worse. So we can't afford it. So there's always been something in my

[00:34:25] way to try to get help. And it's just, what's the point? Well, that's it too. Right. Because

[00:34:30] part of the, like being tired of fighting is that too, right? All the obstacles and you don't have a

[00:34:35] solution. It just adds up. Yeah. And even if I had the insurance for money, then I still might get a

[00:34:40] shit therapist or not connect with them. Try again, get on another waiting list. I know I could do zoom,

[00:34:45] but it's just, I don't have, I'd rather, if I'm going to get help, I'd rather be in person for,

[00:34:49] cause that's how I am trying to find in person is difficult. I've zoom. I just don't know if it'd

[00:34:53] be for me. This podcast is way better on zoom than in person. I'll tell you that it would be all

[00:34:59] great. I did do one thing in person and I recorded it and it's an episode, but much better for that

[00:35:03] kind of thing. I feel like, yeah, that this makes sense. Right. So how many guns do you own?

[00:35:08] I got four. Okay. 38 special. What else? 38 special, Remington 870 pump shotgun,

[00:35:15] cheap single shot, 20 gauge shotgun, and then a Ruger 1022 rifle. I mean, I grew up with guns,

[00:35:23] enjoyed them. I have much respect for them. I mean, honestly, that was another thing with like

[00:35:27] in New York is I didn't want to go get help because if you are considered a risk to yourself,

[00:35:32] you can't own guns. And it's like, I get it if I'm a risk to other people, but it's like,

[00:35:35] that's my life, my right, my choice. And, you know, you know, I get it. They're trying to save

[00:35:40] people, whatever. But it's all, it's like, why would I go to, I can't, even if I went to therapy,

[00:35:44] I can't be like, yeah, I'm not killing myself. Though I'm not going to use a gun. Don't worry.

[00:35:47] I have too much respect for him, even though I tried with one, but.

[00:35:50] You know, it's interesting. I maybe once in all these conversations heard someone ending their life

[00:35:58] by doing the hose in the car thing.

[00:36:00] I thought about that, but the problem is that cars with catalytic converters are so efficient now. It's so,

[00:36:05] takes so long if it doesn't happen at all. And I don't have my old car running anymore. So.

[00:36:10] And I wasn't making a suggestion. You seem to have pretty clear ideas on how to do it.

[00:36:14] Just that used to be something you'd hear about. I mean, that's a method and you just don't hear

[00:36:18] about it very often. When you were doing that research, did you ever get a pop-up of like,

[00:36:22] call this phone number?

[00:36:24] Oh yeah. All the time. And that was because Google, I know changes it. So if you do search things,

[00:36:28] they won't show you the actual stuff you're looking for. So you kind of have to

[00:36:31] search things different ways now.

[00:36:33] Is that right?

[00:36:34] So I had to search through Reddit, then find like the one form I told you about earlier.

[00:36:39] Cause they'll actually, all they'll do is if you search like suicide, death, something,

[00:36:42] they'll just give you all the help things. At least that's what I found with my phone.

[00:36:46] I could be wrong. It could be just me because Google knows me well enough.

[00:36:50] I have no idea. Yeah. Nine suicide notes to 12 people. How short is the shortest one?

[00:36:55] Uh, short is the empty. That's probably three or four sentences, mostly thanking them,

[00:37:00] apologizing and saying, I've read online before where a lot of times the police will take your

[00:37:05] suicide notes as evidence. So I wanted to leave that, you know, I'm who I am. This is where I live.

[00:37:11] Here's some information. I'm doing this. This is my choice. I have not been murdered. I apologize.

[00:37:18] Thank you.

[00:37:18] What about the longest one?

[00:37:20] It's actually to my nephew. He's probably about a full page for verbally diarrhea and everything

[00:37:25] that, like I said earlier, he's going down. I can see him going down a similar path as I was

[00:37:29] not caring about school, caring about dating, having fun, all that stuff. And not saying that's the

[00:37:34] only reason why I'm killing myself, but I mean, it's a good part. I make shit money. I don't have

[00:37:39] a degree. I can't get a better job. I've been trying for three to five years. I'm stuck where I am.

[00:37:45] Brutal. Yeah. Brutal.

[00:37:46] So then the next would be my father, my mother and father, then my wife for lengths.

[00:37:52] I mean, what you were just describing about your nephew and even yourself with respect to money

[00:37:58] and other things, it's just a hope or lack thereof. And when you run out of hope, and I don't mean to

[00:38:03] poorly quote Shawshank Redemption here, but you know, what do you have?

[00:38:08] Yeah, nothing. I just have a vague sense of duty to fix things and help people, but that only gets

[00:38:13] you so far. I don't have hope for me anymore. So I'm out.

[00:38:17] I'm not going to quit trying dot, dot, dot to kill myself.

[00:38:21] Just funny because I even brought my own memoir just in case.

[00:38:24] What is, what do you have?

[00:38:25] It's more of my life saying, but it says there's not to make reply. There's is not to reason why

[00:38:30] there's is about to do or die into the valley of death. The March of the Lightning Brigade.

[00:38:34] What is the March of the Lightning Brigade?

[00:38:36] I not the best in history, but it was a cavalry going against tanks in the Prussian war. And the

[00:38:42] commander says, you need to go on the horseback with horseback and sabers and go fight those tanks.

[00:38:47] And the commander goes, ours is not to reason why ours is not to question why ours is about to do

[00:38:51] or die. So that's kind of my motto. I've been since I've been in maintenance, but it's not the

[00:38:55] reason why mine's what to do or die soldiers. I'm not trying to relate myself to any way to them,

[00:39:00] but you know, that's how I feel into the valley of death. And that's where you're going. Kind of

[00:39:07] think that's where you are. That's where I've been for a while. I mean, expectantly in the past

[00:39:11] three years, four years before it was better. I didn't, I thought about it every day, but I wasn't

[00:39:16] as convicted, but now I'm, I'm done. I've lost my support, lost things that made me happy. That

[00:39:22] may have pushed me on a couple more years, made bad decisions. I'm over. I'm done. No doubt about it.

[00:39:27] Right. I will still say there's an 80% chance. I may change my mind, may do that, but I doubt

[00:39:33] actually more 90% chance that I will do it. And 10% chance that I won't because you know,

[00:39:39] life happens. There's a chance for everything. Yeah. But I'm about as sure as I can be. I know

[00:39:44] it's going to hurt a lot of people. I know it's a lot of people are going to be sad. Sorry.

[00:39:47] It's weird. I I've had this before, not a ton, but like someone being rather sure they're going to do

[00:39:53] it rather soon. And I'm like, okay, so when I say goodbye, I'm saying goodbye for what I hope.

[00:40:00] Yeah. Don't want to stop listening and talk a deal with it. Well, you're saying that my podcast

[00:40:05] on Mondays is not enough reason to keep living, Greg. I'm just so offended. Sorry. I'm not that

[00:40:11] good of a fan. I apologize. You're not making the platinum level of the fan club. I'm sorry because

[00:40:18] they will. No, I'm just playing. No, not that. Like I said, this is my contribution to you.

[00:40:22] Do you have anything on your bucket list that you plan to do before you go?

[00:40:27] I made a huge bucket list of what I wanted to do and there's none of it I can't,

[00:40:32] and it's not worth doing. What do you recall from that list? I'm just curious.

[00:40:35] A lot of different cars I wanted to own. So I'm a huge motorhead mechanic, you know,

[00:40:40] all that out of projects I wanted to finish or start travel, see different places. I mean,

[00:40:45] there's quite a few video games that are going to come out in the future that I'm not going to be

[00:40:48] able to play. Oh, probably many video games. I mean, I'm replaying my two favorite ones right now,

[00:40:54] just as one last hurrah. Which are they? What are they? They're called Final Fantasy VII and Final

[00:41:00] Fantasy VIII. Role-playing type games back in PlayStation 1 era. I mean, there'll be a lot

[00:41:04] of new games. There'll be a lot of new cool cars. There'll be a lot of this, a lot of that.

[00:41:08] There'll always be a project. There'll always be a place you're never going to see or you want to see.

[00:41:12] I wish there's more things I could, anything I could really check off of it, but nothing. I don't

[00:41:17] have the money, don't have the time, don't have the ability to. I'm sad about it, but it's not going

[00:41:24] to stop me. That's pretty clear. There it goes. Anything else you want to add, Craig?

[00:41:28] Just you're amazing. Keep doing what you're doing and I greatly appreciate it.

[00:41:31] Thank you very much. Appreciate that. Our episode will come out. So you'll listen and you'll be able

[00:41:36] to listen and not, will you be like, God, I fucking hate myself. I hate my voice.

[00:41:41] Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

[00:41:42] 100%. The whole time I'm going to be ripping myself a new one. I hate my voice. I'm like,

[00:41:46] why'd you say that? You're stumbling over words. You're an idiot. I'm the toughest critic on myself,

[00:41:51] so it's going to be painful. I mean, I didn't even, doing this, I was, I would never do this,

[00:41:56] ever do a podcast, ever talking like this because I'm a very keep to myself introverted, but it's,

[00:42:01] I figured, what do I got to lose? That helps one person. I at least did one last good thing

[00:42:06] before I left. I don't know how. We don't know these things. And I will say, you probably

[00:42:10] will make absolutely no difference. In fact, I know it'll make no difference on your self-concept,

[00:42:15] but you didn't stumble and bumble at all. Thank you. Appreciate that.

[00:42:18] I stumbled and bubbled way more than you. In fairness, I practiced quite a bit on all the

[00:42:24] things I would ask. All right, man. I thank you. I wish you well. Weirdly, just kind of want to say,

[00:42:31] safe travels. Thank you, sir. You do the same. Like I said, I appreciate everything you do.

[00:42:34] You got it, my friend. Take care. You too. Bye.

[00:42:40] As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support and special thanks to Craig

[00:42:44] in North Carolina. Thanks, Craig. If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk,

[00:42:49] please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com on Facebook or X, at least for now, at Suicide

[00:42:54] Noted. Check the show notes to learn more about the podcast, including our membership. Thank you

[00:43:00] for your support, for listening, and everything else. And that is all for episode number two, three,

[00:43:08] four. Stay strong. Do the best you can. I'll talk to you soon.