Brittany in Kentucky

[00:00:00] The reason I chose the gun was because it was kind of in my head, it was, fuck you, this is what you made me do. Because you haven't paid attention. Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted.

[00:00:37] On this podcast I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories. Every year around the world, millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it. We certainly don't talk about it enough.

[00:00:49] And when we do talk about it, many of us, including me, we're not very good at it. And one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors. Why?

[00:01:03] Well there are many reasons but the main one is to help more people in more places feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. Trying as best we can. Now if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:01:17] Hello at suicidenoted.com. Just in case, because I've been having some problems, I'm not much of a tech guy, you can also reach out at suicidenoted at gmail.com and also find us on Facebook and ex-formerly Twitter, at suicidenoted.

[00:01:34] Remember to check the show notes if you'd like to learn more about the podcast, including our growing membership. And finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast. We don't hold back, so please take that into account before you listen or as you listen.

[00:01:51] But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn. Today I am talking with Brittany. Brittany lives in Kentucky and she is a suicide attempt survivor. Hey Brittany. Hi. I like your headphones. Thanks. So you're in Kentucky. Been there a while?

[00:02:12] We moved to Kentucky in October of 2022. No one can see your sweatshirt, but it's a great color. Thanks. I'm not even going to tell them what color it is just because they don't need to know. I'm just thinking I like that color a lot.

[00:02:27] Well, it's my favorite color. Brittany in Kentucky, you reached out and I thank you for reaching out and we're here now. I always try to challenge myself to start a new way or a different way every single time. All right.

[00:02:42] Why don't I, so that's somewhat unfairly, put it on you? What question can I start with? I see what you did here. You passed the butt. You passed the hard stuff to me. And your life might already be challenging enough when I'm pulling this shit on you.

[00:02:59] I guess why I reached out. You gave me a great idea. Why'd you reach out? In the moment, I was like, yeah, because I was, I stumbled across the podcast and I was like,

[00:03:09] oh my God, this is great. I definitely would love to talk on here because of my role that I work in. So I was like, oh yeah, I'm just one of those people that is gung ho to talk about mental health and suicide and my story, my background.

[00:03:27] But that enthusiasm has changed. Yeah? Yeah. So when you hear it, you're like, this is something I could do or might want to do. And when was that? Was that weeks ago? Months ago? I think I stumbled across it months ago. Okay. But then life changes. Yep.

[00:03:48] So you're not as gung ho, but you still showed up here today. Yes. Because it's still important. When you say it's important, what do you mean? Talking about suicide and mental health is important, even if I don't want to be alive.

[00:04:04] And as we speak right now, do you not want to be alive? Yes. I don't. Got it. I'm torn because I know the right answers and I know the skills and the education and all of those

[00:04:19] things. But it's like there's a disconnect with applying it to my current situation and how I feel, if that makes sense. Yeah. And it will make even more sense as we talk, I'm sure, because we'll get to know what

[00:04:31] you're going through or your life or the attempts or all this stuff or some of this stuff anyway. Several months ago, you found the podcast. And as far as I know, there's very few ways

[00:04:40] to find the podcast. So someone probably, you'll tell me if I'm wrong, puts the word suicide into somewhere. And why those seven letters into wherever you put it? Actually, because of work and my wanting to talk about it and kind of break that stigma.

[00:04:58] So it was like I was searching it out because I didn't feel that way at the time. It was a good thing in my mind. Oh, you weren't searching suicide because you wanted to take your own life at that time. Right. What kind of work do you do?

[00:05:13] I work in mental health and substance use. I am a peer support specialist. My lived experience is how I help the people that I work with, whether it's mental health or substance use. Good. There's a saying that I heard on a podcast and ever since then,

[00:05:34] it just kind of clicked and it's qualified versus certified. Oh, I'm writing that down and stealing it, borrowing it. Yeah. So there's two parts right now because my brain works in weird ways and it creates these little

[00:05:47] scenes that tend to be chronological, stuff that got you to eventually be qualified to become a peer support specialist. And then there's what's happened since where at the time you were looking for something related to suicide months ago, you were in a loosely, I am speaking somewhat loosely,

[00:06:04] a decent spot. Right. And now you're not. So that's the flow in my mind. So does it make sense to start with, let's go back. Do you remember when you first started thinking about not wanting to be alive or being in that kind of space?

[00:06:21] I got married young. I got diagnosed with bipolar type one in 2009 and I was having like all these mood swings and things like that. I don't really remember all that. I just remember they told me

[00:06:36] and then didn't really give me any education or information. They were just like, this is what it is. All right, have a good day. And so I was like, okay. So I was just like, oh, it's no big deal.

[00:06:48] So I continued life, you know, and then I started self-medicating over the years. And then there was, I think my first attempt was in 2009, that same year. I just want to point out really for his first example with that person who said,

[00:07:07] here's you have bipolar one, have a good day. That's our first example, certified, not qualified. Correct. Because sometimes we need an example, at least in my brain likes one. Yes. I love metaphors and examples. Please bring them on. Yeah.

[00:07:25] 2009, we don't need to reveal your age unless you want to, but you're not a child in 2009, unless you look incredibly young. No, I was not a child. I was in my late teens, early twenties.

[00:07:40] Yeah. Before you got the BP one, bipolar one, I said BP like it's a gas station, that diagnosis and you had been married and you were quite young, like as a kid, teenager, are you kind of like, I don't know what the word is. Okay.

[00:07:56] I don't know because I grew up in a very chaotic environment, abuse, trauma, XYZ. I can't say that I was normal. I mean, I, in my head, I was my normal, but I, I,

[00:08:12] I didn't get like in trouble at school or things like that. I was just, I was a very rough kid, fought a lot. Like I, you know, bounced from house to house. I didn't live with my parents.

[00:08:24] Uh, I quit school. Like I said, I got married young. So my behavior now that I I'm older, I'm like, Ooh, yeah, you were not a normal child. In the moment. I thought I was a normal teenager.

[00:08:36] Survival. You made it through get married, get this diagnosis. Do you have bipolar one? Uh, yes, I definitely did. I definitely believe so. If your first attempt was 2009, was it the kind of thing where it was like, boom,

[00:08:53] impulsive? Or had you been thinking about it for a couple of years or ideating, I suppose, is the word that's typically used. In the beginning, it was fairly impulsive. I would get stuck on a thought and then I just kind of snowballed on it. And then it,

[00:09:09] it just like instantly got to the point where I was like, that's it. You're a piece of shit. Not the name of your memoir. I don't think. No, no, no. I'm just, I'm always searching for memoir titles. It's a gift. Don't ask. I'm a piece of shit. I

[00:09:24] should die. You tried. Yeah. How cutting? Um, I cut the artery on the inside of my thigh. What happened? I didn't cut in the right spot and it wasn't obviously deep enough. I didn't, I guess,

[00:09:38] lack for better terms research. So I didn't know like exactly where to cut. I just wanted, I knew there was a, an artery there and it was an easy place to hide. Hospital? No. I'm sure you still did some, some damage, flesh wounds, whatever they are called.

[00:09:56] And you're married at the time. Your partner find out? Nope. Because by the time that, you know, we were even close to having intercourse or anything like that, it was partially healed. I mean, I like kept him away, but it was partially healed. And so

[00:10:13] when he seen it, he asked, he was like, what happened? I was like, oh, I scratched myself or I cut myself when I was shaving my bad. He just brushed it off. Cut myself when I'm shaving my bad. Yeah. No biggie.

[00:10:27] No biggie. Yeah. No. And you're still untreated. There's no, you're not getting any, you're self-medicating. Yes. And what is that like? Is that booze? Is that drugs? Is that cutting? Is that eating? It was a combination of cutting and booze.

[00:10:43] You're able to have a sort of, I don't like these word choices that I'm stuck with here. A life, like, like, like, like I'm thinking, like, are you, are you working? Are you, make your friend?

[00:10:54] I was actually a business owner at the time with my husband. So I had the free reign, so to speak, to do what I want, when I want. And I had the financial means and I took advantage of it.

[00:11:09] My husband didn't drink, so I had a designated DD all the time. I was like, well, this is perfect. I didn't see anything wrong with it because like, I was like, I'm not drinking and driving. It's

[00:11:22] not affecting me working. I'm paying my bills. So I was like, I'm a functioning adult. And then I justified it for years. Yeah. What kind of drugs were you using? It was pills, which is

[00:11:36] funny because I hate pills. You said your husband didn't drink. That means he either currently drinks or is no longer your husband. He's no longer my husband. I'm a language genius, Brittany.

[00:11:49] Okay. So we don't necessarily know if he drinks now, cause he's probably not a part of your life. He might be. Kids? Nope, no children. And we were married for 10 years. I couldn't have children.

[00:12:01] Not being able to have children. Is that part of this conversation or is that sort of? It was at the time because it was something that I wanted. And obviously when you are married and

[00:12:10] you're trying to start a family, you have to be able to have children. So we paid thousands of dollars for tests and treatment. Like I said, we had the financial needs at that time. What was

[00:12:23] this company you were running? It was a salvage yard. Oh shit. Okay. Yeah. We paid to have all these tests done and procedures and we had IVF. It was never successful. That was one of the

[00:12:37] struggles. It was the beginning of the end of the marriage, but it was one of the points that it just played into the Bible and the feeling like a worthless person. Yeah. Fuck. When did you split?

[00:12:51] It was 10 years. That was, I was 26. 2009 to attempt number one. How many do you have in total? Five. When was the last one? Actual attempt was 2019. So in those 10 years, more or less, you had five attempts. Always cutting? No. Attempt number one was cutting.

[00:13:13] Two was cutting, third one cutting in pills, fourth one was a gun, and then the fifth one was pills. You know which one I want to talk about, right? Sure. Which one? The gun. How do

[00:13:26] you know that? Because it's an abnormal attempt for a female. Well, yeah. I mean, I guess stats are stats. Yeah, there is something about a gun that feels... What's the word? It feels more... Brutal. Maybe so, right. Hey, look, I mean, if you're bleeding out to death,

[00:13:42] that's pretty brutal too. Don't get me wrong in terms of if you're caught. So this is a 10-year period where you're married, and for part of that time or maybe all that time, you're running a

[00:13:51] salvage yard, you're self-medicating. You're not in Kentucky at that time, by the way, right? No. And I'm curious about your partner, and then I do want to get back to the gun, and then the last attempt, because I always feel like the most recent one,

[00:14:04] I know we're talking now, feels like it matters. It doesn't matter more, it's just more recent. He knows that you're struggling. My current one or... Yeah, yeah. No, I'm speaking in present tense, but I'm speaking about the past. The guy that

[00:14:18] you were married to at a young age, did he know what was going on, or are you a master hider? I think it's a combination between I was good at hiding it, but he was also so

[00:14:31] caught on himself that he was oblivious to what I was doing. If it wasn't right here and it wasn't important to him, it wasn't in his peripheral. I don't know how to explain it other than- Yeah. He's self-absorbed, so...

[00:14:47] Yeah. I'm going to tell something to you in the audience, they're probably going to be a little surprised. I am not a relationship or marriage counselor. People will hear this and be like, wow. John, you should have definitely gone in that direction. But based on what you

[00:15:02] just said, I don't think too many people would be shocked that the relationship didn't work out. Correct. I mean, hindsight's 20-20, of course. Yeah, yeah. But we can't Monday night quarterback, so here we are.

[00:15:12] Yeah. Of those... So let's talk about the gun. What I'm most curious about, actually, is not blood and gore and guts, is why the switch from pills and or cutting to the gun?

[00:15:26] The reason I chose the gun was because it was kind of in my head, it was, fuck you, this is what you made me do. Because you haven't paid attention. Fuck your world or fuck you- Him. Because it was like, in my head, and I still believe this,

[00:15:43] you're supposed to be my person. You should know, you should be able to tell these things. At least something is off. I just felt like it was like... Because it wasn't important to him.

[00:15:56] And so that's why I was like, I'm going to forever leave an impression on you. I now know that that's trauma, but I didn't care at that moment. Did you pull the trigger? No. Did you have it in your mouth? I did. Where were you physically?

[00:16:13] I was in a spare bedroom with my back up against the door, holding it shut. How long were you in that spot where the gun is there? Is it tunnel vision? What's happening?

[00:16:25] I was just kind of replaying everything over and over in kind of like a slow motion, like making sure that this was the right decision. In my head, I was trying to justify doing it like that. And that's the right word. If this was the right decision. Yeah.

[00:16:41] Not the only decision, not the something else decision, the right decision. It's like a logical thing in part. Yes. It was like I was in an internal battle with myself and I'm still that way now.

[00:16:54] It's just more clear. Logically, I know that this is this. Right now, emotionally, this is it. This is all I can think about. This is all that consumes me. I can't think logically.

[00:17:09] But I'm right. Right. Because there was also part of it where it was like, fuck you. That's so that's like an interesting and probably not uncommon sort of. There's a lot going on. Yeah, I think it's it's the emotional part about it. And then eventually,

[00:17:22] once I replay everything over, it's like I'm reminded like I'm like, yeah, look, look at what he's doing. And it's like I'm again, I'm trying to justify it to myself. And then that's where I get to that. Get moment. You did not pull the trigger. Come close.

[00:17:38] Yeah. Like I started to to move to the trigger. And then right before you get to, I guess, the trigger release, something just stopped me. Yeah. There are some people out there would say, oh, I know what that something was. And what was that?

[00:17:53] Some people would probably say God, this person wouldn't. Some people might say universe of some kind of cosmic whatever. It's it's something rather. It's a conscious thing. It's a fate. It's it could be anything. But yeah, I get what you're saying there is something stopped.

[00:18:12] That must be so weird to come that close to ending your life. And now you're there in the doorway or in the room holding the gun or maybe it's on the floor next to you

[00:18:24] wherever and like and here you are and you're alive. I know there's probably not words that can probably do that feeling justice, but I'm curious. It's kind of like an out of body experience, at least for me. It's like I just remember

[00:18:41] sitting there with my legs like straight out and the gun is just laying there on my legs and I'm looking at it and I'm like a mixture of that happened to a degree. And then it was like,

[00:18:53] wow, you really couldn't even pull the trigger. Like you can't even commit to that. Like I said, it was kind of like an out of body experience where it was like I was it literally felt like my body was being torn in half.

[00:19:05] Wow. And the other ones you said were cutting and pills. And obviously you're here. I'm going to make an assumption when you said cutting because you actually did cut the first time

[00:19:15] that you did cut the other times. Pills were to just try to top it off, make it happen. The cutting at the end started to be more I wanted to physically see the pain that I was

[00:19:29] feeling. And then the pills was, OK, this is how I'm going to off myself. Yeah. And you had pills because you were using pills, not prescribed pills, just pills. Correct. Because you weren't getting help from medical professionals during this whole time. You would like just white knuckling it.

[00:19:44] Actually, around the same time that I was diagnosed with bipolar, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. They were, in my opinion now, definitely overprescribing medication to the point that I was a zombie. So those pills were I hated taking them because of past traumas and stuff.

[00:20:05] But it was so convenient and I knew that it would do the trick. It was in that time it was out of convenience and impulse. Nobody would think twice because they're seeing me take my medication. So it was easy to hide. But you weren't going to a therapist?

[00:20:21] No, that part I was white knuckling. And working and you had a partner and life stuff like buying groceries. And I was going to say going to the dry cleaner, but I don't think people do that anymore so much. I don't know.

[00:20:34] It used to be a thing, but maybe it's me. That's the kind of white knuckling it too, though, isn't it? Like not having people to talk to about this. Because I'm imagining, you'll tell me if I'm wrong. It doesn't sound like you're surrounding yourself with a bunch

[00:20:44] of people, support groups, a couple of friends you're sharing with what you're going through, like in my imagination, which is rarely accurate. Like you're just so this is just you.

[00:20:54] Well, to me, it was I was a typical 20s something year old person because I was out partying and I was drinking and I was social and I was the life of the party and I was just all of these things.

[00:21:10] And in my mind, it was all great. And again, I also didn't realize I had an issue because the doctors didn't really make it seem like I had an issue. I just thought that these suicide attempts

[00:21:24] were just impulses that came when I got burned out. I didn't realize that it was a serious issue. Did that change when you picked up the gun? Is it like, all right, this is a little different? No, I just thought it was, well, I'm burned out.

[00:21:40] So every so often get to the point of burnout, try including number five, which I think was 2019. And I'm like, wow, that's five years ago. I'm weird with time. It bums me out. Yeah, me too. What was the last one?

[00:21:53] The last one, it was kind of a pot bowling over, so to speak. In six months time span, I got divorced, found out I got cancer or I had cancer, told my husband, my second husband, that I wanted a divorce. I didn't want to be with him anymore.

[00:22:14] Okay, hang on one sec. So I want to get clear on your partners and when they were in your life and some of the stuff that was going on. Me and my first husband separated in 2013.

[00:22:32] Got it. So he was there for a couple of the attempts, it sounds like. Two. And then the second husband, the one you just referenced, the one that you may have gotten divorced from when you got a cancer diagnosis around that time, he came into the picture

[00:22:50] and in that time also was with you for three suicide attempts. No, I had one suicide attempt or two suicide attempts with a boyfriend between husband one, husband two. And then when I was with husband two, I didn't attempt at all. And then after

[00:23:10] I had everything happen medical, I got divorced, I attempted again and that was the last time. So your partner now, he's the last one. Yes, I'm done. So when you found out you had cancer and then you wanted a divorce, did you get a divorce?

[00:23:28] Yes. Well, we separated. I'm still technically divorced. I'm in the process of a divorce now. And you beat cancer. I did. And it's like definitely gone or maybe gone? I don't really know how that works.

[00:23:41] I'm not 100% sure either, but I think it's definitely gone because it was in the cervix and I had a full hysterectomy. So they pretty much said that because it's gone and it was all

[00:23:56] isolated into kind of like a sack, I should be good. I get checks and things like that. Bipolar one, fibromyalgia, cancer, early thirties at most. That's a lot of things. Yes. So in those 10 years you tried five times, but it's been five years since you tried. So what's

[00:24:15] different? Knowledge, stability, structure, all of those things that they talk about in therapy. And books and whatever. Hard to apply. It is. It's one of those things that I know it works because it has worked for so long,

[00:24:35] but I know that the reason I feel the way I do is because of some of the current situations and circumstances that I'm in. So I know that I've been good, I'm in a good place,

[00:24:48] but then one little thing can derail the whole thing. And it's like, I'm walking on the edge 24 seven and one little stumble and boom, I'm there. Your fiance, he's in the house, right? Yes. So he knows you're talking and he knows what you're talking about. Yes.

[00:25:07] What did he say about that? Initially he was like, he knew it as, oh, I'm coming on here to talk about suicide prevention and telling my story. He's very supportive of those things because he knows that's what I love.

[00:25:21] But in the last four days, I have plummeted. I had said to him beforehand, if you're going to sit here, don't be listening to what I'm saying because I don't need you trying to come in here and counsel me. Sounds like he listened to you. He did.

[00:25:39] Good man. Smart man. Smart man. At some point you take all this lived experience and you become a peer support specialist. When was that? I've been doing that for three years. So somewhere in the middle of COVID. So some of it was online for a while, I imagine.

[00:25:56] During COVID, I worked in a drug rehab. So I was still working in person. I was an essential worker. Right, right. But the peer support specialist work, that's hard work. Yes, it is. And you do that in Kentucky now? I do. Or Indiana. They border each other?

[00:26:14] Across the river. Across the river? Yep. What river? The Ohio. So every day you go over a bridge and over water? Yes, I do. Why are you laughing? Because I think about driving off that bridge quite often. I have this weird obsession about

[00:26:34] bridges and driving off of them. I feel a little bit like I was a jerk because that's what I was thinking you were thinking. No, you're good. Listen, I'm like a duck. I let things roll off my back. Just other animals that happens to us.

[00:26:52] I don't mean to pick on these expressions, but some of them are just... But ducks are great? Sure. That's another interesting way to go, right? Just to plunge yourself in your own fucking car Is it high enough? Oh yeah. We have people do it all the time.

[00:27:08] They jump though. They don't do it in their car. So do they have prevention things up there, like a barrier, make it hard for people to get to it? They have the barriers and the bridge that I drive across has big steel cables that

[00:27:24] help support it. And so those are running across. So there's a lot of things to prevent you from doing it. It would be difficult. Right. So question that part of Kentucky, even the bridge in Indiana, is that a nice place?

[00:27:38] I haven't spent much time there. Do you like living there? Is it? Yeah. Is it nice? Yeah. A lot of farmland three hours from St. Louis. It's an hour and a half from Louisville, two hours from Nashville, two and a half from Lexington. So it's pretty centrally located.

[00:27:56] And then we could take direct flights from here to Chicago. Does anyone else know we're talking other than your fiance? Nope. It's not the kind of thing you were announcing to the world, right? Not technically. I mean, I talk about breaking the stigma and things like that,

[00:28:14] but as far as talking about my struggles, no. Yeah. So you've never been to a psych unit? I have. Wait, where did we... Oh, because we didn't talk at length about each attempt. How many times have you been in a psych unit? Once.

[00:28:26] Was that post one of the attempts? It was the last attempt. It was the only one that somebody knew. Someone found you? Yeah, my fiance. We were just starting to date. We had got together in the summer,

[00:28:39] late summer of 19. And then in December of 19, I had attempted and he found me. So for a fiance, a new boyfriend, did he know then some of your history? No. So he walks where? He comes into a bedroom and you're lying down?

[00:28:55] He was actually at football practice and I had been super depressed. He knew that because we were staying together that day or that weekend or whatever. He was at practice, like I said, and I shut my phone off. I got into the tub and I

[00:29:11] got the water as hot as I could stand it and I was going to cut everywhere and just bleed out. And then I got the knife, I got everything and I started to do it and I stopped.

[00:29:22] And it was like, I don't want to do it this way. So then I grabbed a bottle of Percocets from my surgery, from my hysterectomy. I took the whole bottle and he tried to text me,

[00:29:36] call something. My phone was off. So he knew something was up and he came home and he found me and then took me to the hospital. He must've been shocked? I think in the moment, it was just like his instincts kicked in from his past military.

[00:29:52] That just kind of kicked in. And then after the fact, it was like, oh God, wow. And then he found out everything right then and there. It was kind of like, well, here you go. I'm letting all my crazy hang out.

[00:30:07] How long were you in the hospital for? Almost two weeks. Is it a decent, not so decent place to be for those two weeks for you? I didn't have any issues, but the place that I was at is less than par. So yeah, it definitely

[00:30:24] left an impression. Like I said, I didn't really have any bad experiences, but I was just like, this ain't it. I don't want to do this. This is the type of thing where I shouldn't ask because my intentions are good. Someone's

[00:30:37] new to dating and then the person they're dating tries to end their life. Do you think there must be some of like, oh, I must've been a big part of the reason why? Yeah, I think everybody kind of internalizes things like that to a degree. But I think

[00:30:50] once he sat down and he heard the diagnosis and kind of the X, Y, Zs, so to speak, he understood. So then it wasn't so much, oh, I did this. It was, oh, well, okay, you're really sick or you need help.

[00:31:06] It was a really good fucking test for a relationship though. That's for sure. Yes, it was. Some people would have been like, I love you, but no. Yeah. I love you from a distance. But he's still around. So I know that's probably not what happened. Yeah.

[00:31:20] And so we're just playing with time here and we're coming up to super present day. You were okay in doing your work. I'm going to imagine life isn't amazing. Maybe it was. Fiance, work, hadn't tried to end your life. Are you ideating? This is post-2019.

[00:31:38] Yes. I always have thoughts of suicide. Now it's to the point that it's so constant that it's just normal. It's definitely for the last few years, but I think as my education and knowledge of it has expanded, like it has helped me be stable, so to speak. It's

[00:31:59] my new normal. As long as I talk about my impulses with somebody who's safe, then I'm okay. I can function, so to speak. This is, like I said, my new normal. I guess because

[00:32:11] I have those constant suicidal thoughts, that's why I say that I'm literally walking on the edge of the cliff and then one little thing can push me over. In your role as a peer support specialist with both addiction and mental health, you said?

[00:32:26] I'm pretty sure you're not sharing a lot of this stuff. And I want to say that's too bad. You're not allowed to. I don't know if you would do it. It's not a judgment. It's just weird to me.

[00:32:36] I think this should be a huge part of the conversation. If you're wanting to help people not feel shitty and alone, and a bunch of other ways you're helping them, don't limit this

[00:32:45] conversation. I think that's where I guess people like me come into play because I'm like, listen, you expect me as a normal Joe Blow off the street, so to speak, to sit here and talk about with these people, their struggles and all their trauma and their lived experience.

[00:33:08] And because I share that same lived experience, that I'm supposed to figure out a way to not carry that load and that trauma, but it's being loaded on me. And then I can't go back and forth

[00:33:21] because of my professional capacity. You have me in supervision with people who don't understand what it's like to be me. And so I'm just alone. Yeah. There's just some problems with the model. Well, I just can't see it being too sustainable otherwise if it's too imbalanced.

[00:33:43] Well, in their mind, you help pick them up. And then once they're up, then you show them out the door and then you pick up the next person that comes along that's on the floor. So we don't

[00:33:55] really have time to have that back and forth, that bounce back. Or at least that's how it's perceived to me. You don't have time to stop what you're doing to talk about the struggles

[00:34:07] that you have because we need money coming in. So because money makes everything go around. So when I say the problem is the model, that's what I mean. You could easily restructure that.

[00:34:17] But if you had more money, he's right. He or she is right. He, she, they are right. But if you don't, then you are limited with your choices. But we'd spend plenty of money in all kinds of other places

[00:34:26] and they have all kinds of different ways they can model things. But that's like a real estate company or a fucking fast food restaurant that's not helping people who are homeless or addicted or suffering with undiagnosed schizophrenia or myriad other things that you deal with every day.

[00:34:41] Other than me and your fiance and people at the hospital, does anyone know that you tried to end your life ever? The only one that knows is obviously my fiance, my aunt, who I'm extremely close with. He actually

[00:34:58] called my aunt when I attempted. My mom knows because she was with my aunt when my aunt got the call. I didn't want her there. I don't have a relationship with either of my parents. And so I

[00:35:12] didn't want her there because I already feel in this low place. I don't need you coming in with your negativity and berating me. Now people do know. My grandma now knows. My biological dad,

[00:35:26] he found out not long after I attempted. Other than that, I kept everything in, all of my problems, all my struggles, everything. I was a very, very private person because in my head, I don't need somebody criticizing me and telling me what to do. Still got the gun?

[00:35:45] No. I got rid of it 2016, 17. That's a while ago. Yeah. I haven't owned a gun since. When you found the podcast, you were doing, I think, well, pretty well, like your words. And then something happened. You still showed up to talk today, but I know you said,

[00:36:04] I think if I'm remembering correctly from an hour or so ago, the last four days were really bad? Yes. Right after Thanksgiving, I fell and broke my wrist. I thought I had to have surgery,

[00:36:18] but turns out I didn't. So it was a lot of back and forth between everybody. And when I fell in and got injured, I developed a thing that's called complex regional pain syndrome, which is where

[00:36:34] my pain is at an all time high, 24 seven. My hand swells. It develops hair growth over time. It's a whole thing. It's extreme. It's crazy. The bone is now healed, but I'm still dealing with this

[00:36:53] complex regional pain syndrome. They call it CRPS. I have been to pain management. I'm supposed to get a nerve block put in so that I can do PT to try to use my hand.

[00:37:05] I've been just back and forth with them because I'm in extreme pain and it's affecting me mentally. Like right now? Yes. I take right now, I take a hydrocodone and gabapentin, but I have to be careful with that because I'm in recovery from pills.

[00:37:24] This is where it gets really messy. Yeah. And so I've told them, I'm struggling, that I'm in pain. I'm also in recovery. So I can't take all these meds that you want to give me.

[00:37:39] All I need is this nerve block. I literally called the doctor today. I was inquiring about this nerve block because again, I'm in pain and I just need some kind of relief. They tell me that

[00:37:53] they can't do it till March 8th. Why is that? That's just when he can do it because it's a short procedure and they got to book the hospital and all these things. And they're not even 100%

[00:38:06] sure that insurance is going to cover. I knew that word was about to be in this fucking little part of the conversation. I hung up the phone and I cried because I'm just trying so hard to do it

[00:38:17] the right way. I keep getting kicked in the teeth and I can't win. So it's like, this is where that cliff edge comes in. Fuck it. Yeah. So in the last four days or so,

[00:38:31] have you been close to ending your life? Thursday night, I did take more medication than I was supposed to. I knew I didn't take enough to kill myself, but I was really hoping that I wouldn't wake up. It's interesting, especially now, given what you've just shared,

[00:38:46] if we had been talking three months ago and I realized you may have never reached out three months ago, but some of the stuff, not all of it, but some of them might've been a little different

[00:38:55] because I'm literally talking to you and you're in pain. If we would have done this interview not long after the injury, I would be okay. I think this would have went differently, but because

[00:39:07] I'm so worn down now, it's like it's beaten at the armor so long that I'm tired of being strong. This episode comes out with your permission in about a month. Will you be alive to hear it?

[00:39:19] I'd like to think so. For the moment, is it all hinging on getting this thing, the pain, to go away? Mm-hmm. So essentially, listen up hospital. They're not listening. No. Listen up insurance companies. I know you're not. You're playing golf.

[00:39:32] Oh, yeah. But you're right. There's only so much a human being can take and deal with pain like that. You can't do it. It almost feels like they, to a degree, don't believe that I'm in the pain that

[00:39:44] I'm in. Yeah, right. Right. And it's like they want to drag their feet to see if I even need it. How many people kill themselves in that space? Drawn out, it's not really that bad, blah, blah,

[00:39:56] I bet that's not a small number. I really don't. Oh, no. It's tons of people, tons because when you're at your wit's end and nothing is helping or you can't get the help

[00:40:06] that you need, it's like, I know I'm not going to feel this way no more. This is 100% guaranteed. And I'm imagining how this plays out if you didn't have a partner. Oh, I would have already done it. Yeah. Like you'd be alone and it's...

[00:40:20] That's the reason why I have a service dog is because that's the only thing that stops me from driving off the bridge every single day. The dog? Yes. Oh, because you would kill the dog? Wow. That's such an interesting way to think about it. What kind of dog?

[00:40:37] She is a black mouthed cur. Oh, can I see her or no? Yeah. Mima, come here. And she will listen to you because she's been trained. Oh, yeah. All right. You all in the audience listening,

[00:40:52] unfortunately can't see what I can see right now, which is this adorable service dog name. What's her name? Mimi. Mimi's snout is literally pointing up. That's awesome. She's good. Yeah. She's great. Does anything or anyone help other than Mimi?

[00:41:13] How do you cope? How do you deal with stuff? I try to really talk about it. In my head, if I'm talking about it, then I'm being safe. And it's one of those, I don't need you to fix it.

[00:41:28] I don't need you to give me advice. I just need you to listen. Just be quiet and acknowledge that I'm feeling this way. That helps. And I guess validating those feelings that it's okay that

[00:41:43] I feel that way. Those things help me because I already feel like I'm losing my mind and I feel like crap that I feel the way that I do. I don't need you to add to that. That's not going

[00:41:54] to help fix this. It's not going to make me feel any better by just being there and having that space. It has helped. And making it known that I'm struggling has kept me from being accountable

[00:42:06] with my impulses. Yeah. Again, a tricky question because you're in immediate physical pain. Pink purple pill. Are you familiar with it? I give you a pill. You won't wake up. You will not be in

[00:42:19] pain during that, while that. You'll just go to sleep and not wake up. And nobody knows it's a suicide. Do you take the pill? My immediate reaction would be yes, but that's I think the

[00:42:30] pain talking. I've heard people say this before on the podcast and this is definitely how I feel. If my death wouldn't hurt the ones around me, then I would definitely do it. Again, if I asked you

[00:42:42] two months ago before the wrist injury. I would say no. Myths and or misconceptions about whatever, but presumably mainly around suicide, suicidal related stuff. I guess for me that the suicidal

[00:42:58] thoughts will go away. What do you mean? For me, like I was always taught and even still to a degree you hear people say, like if you get better, the suicidal thoughts go away. And that's

[00:43:13] not true because I've been better, at least in my head, I believe so. And I've clearly been better it shows in the fact that I haven't attempted, but the thoughts are still there. I literally

[00:43:29] look at a bridge and be like, I wonder how high this is and how bad would it impact you? It's like I'm constantly thinking about suicide all the time. And it's just so normal now that

[00:43:43] I guess that's where it's like nobody thinks about it because I don't talk about it all the time, but thoughts never go away regardless of how well I feel. And that's for me, not to say that it's for everybody. You're not talking about everybody, you're talking about you.

[00:43:58] So I think that's the thing is that it's kind of a false hope. So if you're thinking about it every day and then you're going about your day and you're going to work and you're going to the dry

[00:44:10] cleaners, do you end up finding like kind of atypical, unique-ish, almost creative ways to maybe die? Yes. I am always thinking about whatever is around me a way to die. Like rather

[00:44:24] it's, I could stab myself in the neck with this knife that's at the dinner table or I could gouge my eyeballs out with this spoon and do whatever. I'm constantly thinking about ways to hurt myself. I just don't act on the impulse. Hurt yourself or kill yourself?

[00:44:43] Both, but mainly kill myself. If I know that it will kill me, then I will do it to kill me. Want to be in pain if you die? If it's the last time, yeah. I don't care

[00:44:53] because I know that it will end. I think I'm just super soft and have a very low tolerance for pain. So I'm like, what else do you got? What else would you like to share,

[00:45:01] Brittany in Kentucky? I don't know. I guess just that, well, one, obviously we talked about this too, that there should be more support out there for peer supports. But also that just the

[00:45:14] expectation that I put on myself to be this person because of the world that I'm in. It's okay to stumble and to have bad days and to not have to hide it because of my role. Just laughing at the

[00:45:30] snap and then she's like, I agree with you. Yeah. And also if you can get a Mimi in your life. Mimis are not going to make your life worse almost never.

[00:45:41] Oh no. I tell everybody that Mimi is definitely the reason that I am here today. She is amazing and I think that everyone should have a dog in their life. Mimi and the military, Matt. Yeah.

[00:45:56] That's it. You got your little core. Well, thank you for talking, especially this week. No problem. I fucking really hope that that goddamn thing gets fixed soon. Me too. Me too. All right. Should we reveal to the audience what the color is or not? Yeah, we can.

[00:46:13] All right. Let's say it on three together. Ready? One, two, three. Yellow. Why didn't I just follow it and just say the word? One, two, three. Yellow. Yellow. But it's like a tiny bit off of pure yellow. Yeah. Like there's a tint of either gold or orange

[00:46:33] or burnt or tiny. It's a cool color. Thanks and bye Mimi and bye Brittany in Kentucky. I really appreciate it. All right. No problem. Thank you. All right. Take care. As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support. Special thanks to Brittany

[00:46:52] in Kentucky. Thank you, Brittany. If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com. Just to be safe, because I've had those tech

[00:47:03] issues. You can also email us at suicidenoted at gmail.com. Find us on X and Facebook at suicidenoted and check the show notes to learn more about the podcast if you'd like.

[00:47:17] And that is all for episode number 202. Stay strong. Do the best you can. I'll talk to you soon.