Brayden in Texas

[00:00:00] to the ones who chose to love me. You two have been amazing people in my life. One day, maybe,

[00:00:07] I would love to help you guys the way you guys helped me in my dark times.

[00:00:51] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations

[00:00:56] with attempt survivors in large part to help more people in more places hopefully feel a little

[00:01:01] less shitty and a little less alone. Now, if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to

[00:01:06] talk, please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com on Facebook or X, at least for now at Suicide Noted.

[00:01:14] If you check the show notes, you can learn all kinds of other cool things about this podcast,

[00:01:18] including our membership. We'd love that kind of support. Special thanks to a recent member,

[00:01:24] a lifetime member, Sophia. We really appreciate your support. In addition, you can learn about

[00:01:28] Noted Network, which as of right now is offering podcast training. I am working with two people

[00:01:35] right now, both former guests here on the Suicide Noted podcast. Elizabeth, who is on episode four of

[00:01:42] the Resiliency Reconsidered podcast, and Alyssa, who I spoke with recently, our episode for the Suicide

[00:01:47] Noted podcast is not out just yet, but she is also working on a pretty cool podcast. And her first

[00:01:52] episode will be out soon. And I'm also working with a few people on the 30-minute memoir. Sounds

[00:01:58] interesting? Have a look. It is pretty cool. Finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast,

[00:02:03] and we don't hold back. So please take that into account before you listen or as you listen. But I do

[00:02:09] hope you listen because there is so much to learn. Today, I am talking with Brayden. Brayden lives in Texas,

[00:02:15] and he is a suicide attempt survivor. Hey, Brayden. How are you doing today?

[00:02:23] I'm doing okay. How are you doing today? I'm doing okay, too. Where are you?

[00:02:28] I'm in my neighborhood, just parked in a car, not too far away from my house.

[00:02:33] Where are you from? I'm from Texas.

[00:02:35] Okay. Brayden, in Texas, in a car. What kind of car do you got?

[00:02:41] Toyota Camry 2013 or 2014 hybrid. You like it?

[00:02:47] Yeah, I really like the car. I think it's either gray or reddish.

[00:02:52] Yeah, it's gray. God damn, I'm good. You've been listening to the podcast at some point. You

[00:02:57] must have stumbled across it? Yeah, I stumbled upon it probably about a week ago.

[00:03:02] All right. A week ago, you found this podcast. All of a sudden, here we are talking.

[00:03:07] Yes. You're in Texas, living your life, perhaps, and I imagine we'll talk about this,

[00:03:13] recently contemplating suicide. I have contemplated suicide for a while now. The

[00:03:19] way I describe it as, it's like the hidden third option. It feels like when someone gives you a yes

[00:03:25] or no question, there's a whisper in the back of your mind that says that. It's always there.

[00:03:31] There are things that make it louder and things that make it more quiet. Yeah, it's been louder

[00:03:36] recently. Do you remember when you first started hearing it?

[00:03:39] I couldn't put a finger on the exact date. I remember when I was diagnosed for depression,

[00:03:44] and you know how they have you filling out those sheets where it's like one to five,

[00:03:50] do you feel worthless? One to five, are you thinking about killing yourself? And those were

[00:03:54] four or fives for me. And my doctor had to tell my mother, and I just started crying. I was like,

[00:04:02] I'm so sorry. It's almost constant at this point. I was unmedicated at that point. So it was just hard.

[00:04:09] How old are you?

[00:04:10] I'm 19.

[00:04:11] 19. So when was that?

[00:04:13] Maybe like 15 or 16.

[00:04:15] How'd your mom react when she learned that?

[00:04:18] She was very sad. She also has depression. I don't know what extent she has it at,

[00:04:23] but it made me very upset that she got that upset.

[00:04:27] It'd be really hard. I don't have any kids, but it must be very difficult for a parent

[00:04:31] to know that perhaps, I don't know, there's a biological component or whatever else is involved,

[00:04:38] right?

[00:04:38] Yeah. That's why I'm scared of having kids because I don't want them to have my depression. It's almost

[00:04:44] crushed me so many times. I'm just not a fan of dealing with it.

[00:04:49] Yeah. It sucks.

[00:04:50] It does. It really does.

[00:04:52] Yeah. It really, really does. Let me back up for a moment and just thank you for

[00:04:57] talking with me. I didn't do that. You got to thank people at a minute. At least you got to

[00:05:01] thank them, right?

[00:05:02] Yeah.

[00:05:03] So we're going to get into some of the other stuff if you'd like. I'd like to.

[00:05:06] Sure.

[00:05:07] From earlier on and 15 and these days, but I'm wondering because you brought up the fact that

[00:05:13] just last week or so you reached out, you found the podcast. You didn't wait very long to reach out.

[00:05:18] So take me through what was going last week. You search for something, you find it,

[00:05:22] and then you contact me. What was up last week?

[00:05:25] Well, I have been going through the motions of my suicidal ideation. It's been pretty strong these

[00:05:32] past few weeks. I don't like keeping it hidden from people, especially people I care about,

[00:05:39] because this type of stuff, it feels like something's broken. And if you leave something

[00:05:43] broken long enough, it can be lethal or it can hurt someone very badly. I'm not a fan of just

[00:05:51] keeping these parts hidden. I like to think of it almost like I have a broken bone or an organ's

[00:05:57] been punctured or something. Even though for those cases, it's more of a physical thing. For me,

[00:06:04] it's emotional or mental and it's there, but it's not visible at all.

[00:06:10] But was last week something a spark?

[00:06:13] I'm an artist and I want to try to bring awareness to stuff like this. And so I thought this would be

[00:06:21] a unique opportunity. It gives me a chance to share my story and everything I've kind of gone

[00:06:27] through in this battle. And I want to try to create suicidal awareness art. It's a niche that I feel

[00:06:35] like hasn't been addressed as much, especially when we're in age that mental health is a huge,

[00:06:41] huge problem. It feels like that's maybe something I can do to help in my own way.

[00:06:47] Suicidal awareness? We're talking about fine art?

[00:06:50] Yeah, right now I like to do a lot of traditional art, but I'm trying to lean into the digital side

[00:06:56] of things. One day, maybe if I do become a good artist or a great artist, I would like to do that

[00:07:04] as well as that would be my personal project. But I also like doing creatures for creature design

[00:07:10] and stuff like that. People would do dragons for Game of Thrones and House of the Dragon,

[00:07:15] Godzilla, stuff like that. Those artists are amazing to me.

[00:07:19] That's really cool. And you're comfortable enough to talk with me and then other people will hear

[00:07:25] this, which is cool. Did you actually listen to any episodes?

[00:07:29] I did. I like to listen to some of the recent ones and I like to hear ones from the male side of the

[00:07:35] audience because that is more relatable to me. Not as many. Do you think when this comes out,

[00:07:42] you'll be able to hear your own voice? Some people struggle with that.

[00:07:45] I have done some recordings in the past. I'm okay with it, though I don't love the sound of my own

[00:07:51] voice. I'm okay with it.

[00:07:53] Yeah, I can't tell you how often I'm listening to my own voice because I have to edit.

[00:07:58] Oh God, Sean.

[00:07:59] Do you have an attempt or a near attempt or sort of the ideation thing?

[00:08:04] I've had three attempts.

[00:08:06] Do you remember the first time you really thought about it?

[00:08:08] When I started doing online school, this was during COVID, it kind of just threw my whole

[00:08:14] world for a loop. I used to go to public school and I was an all-A student. I was really, really

[00:08:20] good at it. And then I go to this online school and this stuff's a lot harder, a lot, lot harder.

[00:08:26] And I'm going from all-A's to B's and C's to sometimes failing grades. And I was like,

[00:08:33] this stinks. And I didn't have great study habits because whenever they would give me

[00:08:38] work at public school, I would just take the paper and just finish out all the homework right

[00:08:43] then and there and turn it in. So it wasn't really homework for me. I'd just do it there.

[00:08:48] Now everything's homework.

[00:08:49] Yeah, now everything's homework. And when I put this effort into it, I still get bad grades.

[00:08:55] I'm not used to that. And I'd like to make my parents proud or make it feel like this is worth

[00:09:02] their money by having a son who can meet these higher expectations.

[00:09:08] No pressure.

[00:09:09] Yeah, no pressure.

[00:09:10] So the schooling is hard. Your grades are not going good. Are there other things happening in

[00:09:15] your life that gets you to a point where you start kind of thinking?

[00:09:18] Well, I lost all my public school friends. I'm not the best at texting or whatever.

[00:09:24] So it's just like we all slowly drifted apart. And so I didn't have a lot of physical friends

[00:09:30] anymore. Creating those relationships does help me get through life a lot, lot more. And going

[00:09:36] through these hard times, having no one but some online friends to comfort me, I was like,

[00:09:42] I just really want to die. There was no other way to put it. It was just a struggle for me.

[00:09:49] It does. The first attempt come before, after that day at the doctor's office where you checked

[00:09:55] for it comes after. So you go to the doctor, you check the box. You're honest about that. The doctor

[00:10:00] talks to your mother. She feels bad. You feel bad that she feels bad. And then, then what happens in

[00:10:07] that space between like, is there meds or therapy or what happens?

[00:10:11] I believe I go to therapy and they start medicating me. I don't think the medication

[00:10:18] worked that well. There wasn't really like anything that the medications made easier.

[00:10:24] So how much time goes by before you try?

[00:10:26] It's really hard to say. It might've been like the early summer or not early summer,

[00:10:32] late summer of 2021. And I made an attempt October of 2020.

[00:10:38] Three plus years ago.

[00:10:41] Yeah, exactly. It's hard to remember because it was three years ago and a lot has happened since then.

[00:10:47] But I believe I just got so frustrated with myself for like disappointing my family or I felt like I

[00:10:55] was disappointed in my family. They did not see it that way, but I was very much like frustrated

[00:11:01] with myself and I attempted to hang myself with a bed sheet and I tried for a good amount of time.

[00:11:07] I just couldn't figure out how to tie the knot properly. And I was also scared to look that up

[00:11:13] because my parents would sometimes like browse what we were searching and whatever. And if they

[00:11:18] had their kid look up how to tie a noose, then they're going to start panicking. And so I kind

[00:11:24] of like calmed myself and I was like, I don't know, maybe this was stupid or maybe I'll do another day.

[00:11:29] It must be like a really funky, weird space to be in. To say, I'm going to try to end my life and

[00:11:35] you can't figure it out, but you try for a while all that time, right? And then you're like, okay,

[00:11:41] not today. And then, you know, if you've heard the podcast, I always tend to wonder like, well,

[00:11:45] what happens then? Like, what's it like after that? Like you just try to, you came close and then

[00:11:50] you're getting in your gray car and you're what, you're going to the store?

[00:11:54] Well, for one, I wasn't driving then. If I could drive, maybe my social life would have been a

[00:11:59] little better. But yeah, it was, it was like a weird sense because you'd, I'd stopped caring

[00:12:04] about the grades as much just because I was like, is it really this worth it that like, I want to end

[00:12:11] my life over it that should I really be trying this hard for A's or even B's and is like, and all it's

[00:12:18] doing in return is bringing me more pain. And then things got worse about like a month afterward

[00:12:25] where I made my second attempt. It was the Monday after Thanksgiving. So after that break and

[00:12:31] everything, those breaks were amazing for me. They, it was one of those situations that makes

[00:12:36] the voices quieter. You mean voices or it's more just like kind of like a thought in the back of

[00:12:42] your head. There's like a constant, like emotional pain for me. And that it's like whenever you're

[00:12:48] running and you have a pain in your leg, it's like your body's telling you to stop, stop, do something

[00:12:53] for this. It's more just like, stop, just end it, just silence it all. It'd be a lot more peaceful.

[00:12:59] That way you'd probably have like a true peace. And what was the, I'm going to go out on a limb

[00:13:06] here and say the second attempt was a different method. It was. Yes. I attempted to overdose

[00:13:12] on sleeping medication. I normally take one pill. I like took like six or seven. Yeah. It wasn't

[00:13:20] enough. And I didn't know that time. I was like, my plan was that I would take this medication.

[00:13:26] I'd like go to sleep and I never wake up. Like I wouldn't feel any of that hurting. And like that

[00:13:30] made sense to me because killing yourself is a hard thing to do, especially if it's painful. Even

[00:13:35] if it's like instant, it's going to hurt a lot. I think in any way you look at it. And I, it probably,

[00:13:42] if I did do a proper lethal amount to kill me, then it still would have hurt a lot, but I don't

[00:13:47] think it would have killed me. After that second attempt, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

[00:13:53] I later figured out by one of the counselors, which would, this was an interesting experience,

[00:13:58] but like when I told them that I attempted to overdose via sleeping medication, he was like,

[00:14:03] do you realize that that medication is herbal and that it is almost physically impossible to overdose

[00:14:11] yourself and kill yourself based off that? And like all the other kids like kind of started

[00:14:15] laughing about that, that like, okay, I was a suicide attempt, but I, but like, I just didn't

[00:14:21] know how to do it properly. And it was weird to be laughed at by that.

[00:14:25] Yeah. Did you tell anyone?

[00:14:26] I never told anyone about the first one until I came back from the psychiatric hospital from

[00:14:33] the second one. There, there was like a double layering to the second attempt because I took that,

[00:14:38] those pills and went to bed and I woke up the next morning and I was furious. I was really upset.

[00:14:45] It was early in the morning. I had loads of schoolwork to do. And I remember going out

[00:14:50] to the kitchen and grabbing like a big knife and whatever. And I was playing on just like

[00:14:56] starting to saw away like at my legs and stuff like that, just start cutting myself.

[00:15:01] I was really, really set to do it. And then my little brother walked into the room because

[00:15:07] he's like going to get cereal and stuff like that. And I saw he's happy and everything,

[00:15:11] or he's doing all right. And I was like hiding the knife away. I don't know, just seeing that,

[00:15:16] seeing him kind of like broke me. I was like, what am I doing? And so I ended up calling the

[00:15:21] suicide hotline and I told them that like, try to kill myself and I do want to die.

[00:15:26] And then that's when the cops came. I mean, the ambulance drove me to the ER. The ER drove me to

[00:15:33] the hospital, the psychiatric hospital.

[00:15:35] Were the cops polite?

[00:15:37] I mean, yeah, they were nice. They weren't aggressive or anything. I think they knew that

[00:15:42] like I wasn't in like a mood to like fight them or anything. If I was going through that experience

[00:15:47] again, it would have been nice to just like talk with them because I love connecting with people

[00:15:51] just to see like what's going through their head and everything. If this was like a normal

[00:15:55] occurrence and that they've been desensitized to it, or if they'd like genuinely feel like

[00:16:00] really bad for me.

[00:16:01] And I know you shared a little bit about what happened in the hospital. What else happened

[00:16:05] there? Was it positive, not so positive somewhere in between?

[00:16:08] Well, the way they made it seem was they told me at the beginning is like, just see this as a

[00:16:14] vacation.

[00:16:15] Oh, okay.

[00:16:16] And I go there and I'm like, okay, that sounds nice. I had like plans in my head that I was

[00:16:21] like, I was going to work on my art. I was going to learn to physically improve myself.

[00:16:25] Just like do like pushups in the morning, sit up, stuff like that. And like have like

[00:16:29] a nice room where I can draw color, stuff like that and really work on myself. And then

[00:16:36] I go in there, I like hug my parents goodbye. And then they escort me into the actual like

[00:16:42] hospital park and they sit me down in like a very crappy, fully plastic chair. It's not

[00:16:48] comfortable at all. These tough looking techs everywhere. The people who help the patients

[00:16:54] and everything. Some look like they care a lot. Others do not at all. And I remember

[00:17:00] looking to my right. Yeah. Where all the rooms are for everyone to sleep. One of the fluorescent

[00:17:05] lights is like flickering and everything. And I see people walking through the hallways. I'm

[00:17:09] like, oh my gosh, this is a horror movie. I'm going to die. This doesn't feel like a vacation

[00:17:14] at all. I'm terrified. And then they escort me to one of those rooms. And I was like, okay,

[00:17:19] maybe I'll at least have a room to myself. And I lay down in the bed and I look across

[00:17:24] the other side of the room and there's a huge other guy. He was also at, cause at that time

[00:17:29] I wasn't admitted to the adult wing. So I was still very young, but there, he was a massive

[00:17:34] dude. And I was like, oh my gosh, if he like, if I step on his toes wrong or whatever, he'll

[00:17:39] probably actually kill me. I didn't know if that was a comforting thought at the time or a

[00:17:43] scary thought. That's an interesting way to look at it. Right. Right. Right. Happy,

[00:17:48] happy, happy vacationing. Yeah. But later on, like at one of his last days, I actually connected

[00:17:54] with the guy and he was a really nice guy. Cool. Really, really nice guy. When people talk about

[00:17:59] their stays in the hospitals more than anything else, what I hear is, you know, I had a few

[00:18:03] connections with the other patients. Yeah. There were fights almost daily. Yeah. Some of the guys

[00:18:09] are there for completely different reasons. Like one of my best friends there, I would say he got in

[00:18:16] there because he, he was accused for stealing cars. He stole two and got caught on the third.

[00:18:22] It was weird. Cause I was like, okay, we have completely different problems. And also everyone

[00:18:27] here is kind of broken in their own way. Whether it's like me who like, if someone got in a fight

[00:18:32] with me, I wouldn't care. I'd be okay with them like beating me half to death or to death. And then

[00:18:38] there's these people here who are so easily manipulated into anger that they just like

[00:18:45] immediately start a fight. And then there's some kids there with mental disabilities, like very

[00:18:51] seriously autistic. It's a shit show. They throw everybody in there. Yeah, exactly. And you know

[00:18:57] what it is? It's a big Disney vacation. All kinds of people are welcome. I want to add something and

[00:19:03] I won't go off on this. Cause if you've heard the podcast, maybe if you've only listened to a few

[00:19:06] episodes, you haven't heard me rant. I'm not going to rant. I do want to tell you something,

[00:19:10] something about the image of these like shitty plastic chairs that you were first sitting on when

[00:19:14] you got into that place. Nowhere, at least for me, where I go that has super comfortable chairs,

[00:19:21] my bank, maybe it's just my bank. Very, very, we want you to be comfortable.

[00:19:27] Relax. Enjoy yourself. We're going to do some financial transactions here. Take your time.

[00:19:32] Here's some coffee, blah, blah, blah. Right. Out of the hospital. Yeah. It's a little backwards

[00:19:37] when you really think about it. Oh, I really think about it. All right. I laugh. You know,

[00:19:41] I'm not laughing at this shitty situation. It's just absurd. Do you get it? How long do you stay in

[00:19:45] there for? I only stay in there for a week. Some people there who have been there for months,

[00:19:51] some almost a year. These are kids. They're not adults. It was really sad to see like,

[00:19:56] a kid that like really wanted to get out. He has to stay there for months and months because

[00:20:01] his parents will take him back. Very sad. When you get out, what happens? I'm pretty sure it is not

[00:20:08] smooth sailing. Obviously we're not talking here today. If it were super smooth sailing,

[00:20:12] it has been since. Yeah.

[00:20:13] What's going on then for you? Well, I get a pretty good streak going. It's three years before my next

[00:20:20] attempt again. They get me back into an actual physical school. It's not a whole lot easier,

[00:20:27] but it's easy enough and manageable for me because also school learning, a big part of it is connecting

[00:20:34] with the teacher and having them answer it right then and there. Instead of texting a teacher you have

[00:20:41] even seen before and they get back to you in two or three hours. Those immediate connections

[00:20:46] definitely helped me a lot. I go to the school and make some pretty good friends. The first year is a

[00:20:52] bit rougher around the edges, but things get better and I start living life.

[00:20:57] Okay. Then you're living life. Then I have a feeling sometime in maybe summer?

[00:21:03] There were two significant things that happened during those three years. For one, one thing you

[00:21:10] need to know about me is that as a kid, I wanted to be the best at something, like to make people proud

[00:21:16] of me or something. And so as a young kid, I was really fast. And so I would do track and I was really

[00:21:23] good at track, but I wasn't the best at it. And I get really competitive and I want to be the best,

[00:21:28] but I'd never be the best at it. That kind of died out. Then I would try to be the best academically

[00:21:35] to make my parents proud. And I do these extracurricular competitions and stuff. And I do

[00:21:41] really good at those right at the beginning of it, but then kids would just grow and be better at them

[00:21:46] than me. And I would give up on that too. That was also probably one of the reasons why I attempted

[00:21:51] in the first place was because I felt so insignificant. Like I wanted to be great. I wanted to do

[00:21:58] something. I'd want to change the world. I want to not have life like steer me, but me steer my life

[00:22:03] just to have my own control. And so in these three years, I ended up dating my first girlfriend that

[00:22:10] like scratched that itch in me to be the best at something. Like I felt like I was the best for

[00:22:15] this person and it really made me happy. And so rather than waking up and feeling like what's my

[00:22:22] purpose to keep going in life right now is rather I'd wake up and I'd be like, this person has a whole

[00:22:29] lot of value, like finds value in me. Even if I don't find value in myself, I would gladly keep on going

[00:22:34] just for this person. Now, did I do a great job in that relationship? No, because I did not know what

[00:22:41] I was doing and I'd overthink everything. That is completely on me. I was terrified. Inevitably,

[00:22:47] she dumped me and it was a logical decision and it was her choice. But I hated not having that control

[00:22:56] or anything like that we could talk through it or try to fix something because I also like to

[00:23:01] problem solve because making other people happy makes me happy. Not getting that chance really,

[00:23:06] really hurt me. I remember after getting kind of dealing with those emotions, I had a best friend

[00:23:12] who she would comfort me and she did a great job because she knew that I was in a place of hurting,

[00:23:18] but she knew more than others how much like comfort I needed from friends and stuff like that. Because

[00:23:24] guys aren't the best at like that personal connection or some are, but it's not like everyone.

[00:23:31] I mean, especially not at 17.

[00:23:34] Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that person really helped me through that. And it did teach me that like,

[00:23:40] I do need support when things really do get hard. But also, I didn't know how to deal with it myself.

[00:23:48] And she helped so much that I didn't really get to learn how to deal with that myself.

[00:23:52] And later on, I keep continuing to be best friends with her. She's an amazing person. But then I end up

[00:23:58] asking her out and we ended up dating. It was lovely. It was out of the two relationships I've had.

[00:24:04] It was the best relationship I've ever had. I don't know, like 10% to 100%. There was just we would do a

[00:24:10] lot more or we would, you know, a lot more. We had talked to each other a lot more. And I remember

[00:24:15] making a promise to myself that I'd give everything for her, whatever. But then one day, she told me

[00:24:22] that there was a struggle that she was having that was really hard for me. I don't know the attraction

[00:24:28] wasn't the same anymore, or that she wasn't really attracted at all. Or physically, at least.

[00:24:35] That kind of broke me. Yeah.

[00:24:37] I remember like driving home that day and I was like distraught. Like I was like so 100%

[00:24:43] attracted to her in every aspect. But she couldn't reciprocate that for me. And then thoughts started

[00:24:49] coming in, because she didn't break up with me there. But that started coming in like, should I break up

[00:24:55] with her? Like, I don't want her to be stuck with someone the rest of life that she's not

[00:24:59] physically attracted to. And she deserves someone better if she really wants that. Because I love

[00:25:05] her so much that I'd put that over myself. And I'm heartbroken. So I give it a couple months,

[00:25:11] I think it over. A lot of people tell me just like, yeah, break up with her immediately. And some

[00:25:17] people tell me like, talk to her about it. And I did also promise her that I would talk about these

[00:25:22] problems. But in the summer of 2024, around July, I ended up breaking up with her. And that was the

[00:25:30] hardest thing I've ever done. Because I would have loved to continue going with her. But I felt like

[00:25:37] it was selfish of me to keep going on with her. That really hurt. I didn't go through that

[00:25:43] grieving immediately. It was almost like postponed. Because I still had that small hope in my heart

[00:25:49] that she would come back to me one day, maybe she'd refine that about herself. Because we're 19.

[00:25:56] And said that the brain doesn't develop until age 25. So I was hoping maybe she'd find that again.

[00:26:02] If it was truly meant to be, then it would happen. And so I would go to work, go to these jobs.

[00:26:10] I'd have that like thought in the back of my brain, like, man, I miss her. I wonder how she's doing.

[00:26:15] I'd like to hang out with her. Maybe see if she's would like to try four months past or something like

[00:26:21] that. I give in. I asked her out to a cup of coffee. Not like ask her out, out, like on a date,

[00:26:27] but rather just like if she just wanted to chat. And we did. We chatted. We had a lovely time. I

[00:26:32] enjoyed it. We continue. And then I remember talking to her after and she explained a situation.

[00:26:39] It was like completely on her side in that I couldn't do anything about it. She had her own

[00:26:44] struggle that kind of prevented her being in a relationship with me. It was sad because it was

[00:26:51] like almost that could never happen again. And so from going from having hope to zero hope crushes me.

[00:26:58] That's when the kind of like grief of a relationship really hits me. And I'm working and I would work

[00:27:06] for these past four months at this job that pays me pretty well. And I wouldn't miss a beat or a day.

[00:27:11] And I go and I start having like mental health days because I am just torn up because that just

[00:27:17] that possibility, that hope is just gone. And now when I think about her, it only bring me pain.

[00:27:23] And she's a lovely person. And I hate that because she was my best friend who helped me through this

[00:27:28] pain. And now it's like almost completely the opposite. She's like triggering the pain. And I go

[00:27:34] through some like crappy interactions with her, like just saying like, there's nothing I can do.

[00:27:39] There's nothing I could do to help you or help me like that. I am like, I'm a very, very adaptable

[00:27:47] person. And I very much care. And I would love to fight for these things that I care for because I,

[00:27:53] I would like to be the best for her that she was for me. After she turned me down, when I said like,

[00:27:59] there's nothing I could do, I was like, okay, I promised I would give her everything I had to

[00:28:05] offer. So why am I still alive? Like I truly did give her like my mind, body and soul. And without

[00:28:12] her, it just felt like I was a husk. And I just want to die. So that day, I went into the bathroom,

[00:28:19] and I started trying to poison myself with like, I love like acne medication or like stuff they put

[00:28:26] in. And I was just starting to drink all of it as much as I could have each like the soap,

[00:28:31] the stuff, just anything, hoping that like maybe there'd be like a chemical reaction that like it

[00:28:36] would burn or like cause me to choke out or like melt my insides. And it tasted awful and it burned.

[00:28:43] I still have like a little bit of like, like a burning sensation here. But that was very recently,

[00:28:49] I want to say like maybe it was November 19th. A few weeks ago. Yeah, a few weeks ago, I was crushed.

[00:28:56] Yeah. And I ended up throwing up and passed out. And so I like threw up almost all of it. And I just

[00:29:03] passed out. And then I remember the next day, waking up to my work alarm. And I was like, man,

[00:29:09] I have to go to work now. It's like, but I also have to clean this up. So I ended up cleaning up

[00:29:13] all this residue that was evidence of my attempt, getting ready for work and going to work. Since

[00:29:19] this is a lot more fresh, it was like, it's a very ghostly, like, thing that like is like, I'm here,

[00:29:25] but I'm seeing all these things. I'm seeing how these people are interacting with me. And how

[00:29:29] different would it be if they found out I was dead? Or maybe if they didn't find out I was dead,

[00:29:33] and that just I wasn't here at work today. It's like, they don't know how much I've been hurting and

[00:29:38] that they they couldn't know. And so that's also been like kind of a motivation for me is to like,

[00:29:43] to make mental health more in the spotlight, because it is a problem, but it's not a physical

[00:29:49] problem. And so I started sharing my story with people.

[00:29:53] Oh, yeah. How'd they respond to that?

[00:29:56] They're very nice. Some people are a lot better at it than others.

[00:30:01] Because there's obviously the professionals who are pretty good at it. And then there are people who

[00:30:05] you tell them and they're like, Oh, they just don't like respond at all. Like no comfort. No,

[00:30:11] nothing. They just keep going on, which is a little hard, hard, because you're like,

[00:30:15] I care for you as a person, because I think you care for me. And then whenever they don't respond

[00:30:21] at all, it's like, Oh, wow, I guess I did. You don't care for me as much as I thought you did.

[00:30:26] Care for you more when I didn't know that stuff.

[00:30:29] Yeah, the good funny guy.

[00:30:31] I think.

[00:30:31] Yeah, everybody likes a good funny guy, which is a great memoir title,

[00:30:35] but maybe not yours. Yeah.

[00:30:37] So that was only a few weeks ago.

[00:30:39] It was. Yeah.

[00:30:40] In that time, you came across this podcast, obviously, and listened a little bit.

[00:30:45] I actually got to listen to a lot of it because when I'm doing stuff at work, I can listen to

[00:30:50] podcasts. And so I've like listened to, I want to say at least like eight or nine episodes.

[00:30:55] Oh, you got a long way to go, Braden. You got a long way to go.

[00:30:58] No, that's cool that you found it if it brings you any sort of something. But we're here and other

[00:31:04] people will get to hear this, which I think is kind of cool.

[00:31:06] Yeah, I do too.

[00:31:07] Let me just jump right into the pink and purple pill because it just happened. Your attempt was

[00:31:12] a few weeks ago. You know what it is?

[00:31:14] Yeah, I know what it is.

[00:31:15] I give Braden a pink and purple pill and he takes it if he chooses. And should he take it,

[00:31:20] goes to sleep, no pain, doesn't wake up. Nobody knows it's a suicide. He obviously dies.

[00:31:25] So if I give you that pill right now, what do you think you would do with it?

[00:31:29] I don't think I would take it.

[00:31:30] Okay.

[00:31:31] Because there's obviously still like a lot left I have in life, but it's hard to keep going right

[00:31:39] now. And I actively want to get better. Like I don't want to feel this crappy all the time.

[00:31:45] And there are some people I hear on this podcast too. They've had that shift in their perspective

[00:31:51] that they have gotten better. Like going from making these numerous attempts to not many at all,

[00:31:57] whether that's like a form of therapy or medication that they've had for that. Like I would like

[00:32:02] something like that. So I want to give a chance for that. I want to help people. Like I would

[00:32:07] like to one day be friends with that lovely person again, my second ex. But right now I just,

[00:32:14] I just can't do that. Even though she means like so, so much to me, I know it would just be like

[00:32:20] burning myself for her sake, but she's going through her own hard times. And I would like to

[00:32:25] be a helpful person to her because she helped me through one of my hardest times. And I would

[00:32:32] like to repay that debt at least just to be a person in like another person's life. That's like

[00:32:39] going through my struggles and not saying like them, like it'll get better, blah, blah, blah.

[00:32:44] Do you know those people who are invited onto podcasts who are like mental health experts

[00:32:48] and whatever? And they're like, yes, I do. Yeah. And they're like, it'll get better. Don't worry or

[00:32:53] whatever. But they're saying that because they're outside of that. Sometimes they're never even in it.

[00:32:59] Yeah, exactly. And I'm like a person who I'm in that struggle. Like I have to wake up every day

[00:33:06] and deny myself like that, that secret option that I, my body wants, cause it's hurting is just for it

[00:33:14] to end. So I want it to end and I have to wake up every morning and deny that. Yeah.

[00:33:19] I, that pleasure of having like a piece. I don't think anyone like really, really knows what happens

[00:33:27] after you die. So it's inevitably, inevitably a gamble, whether it's like fiery flames of hell or

[00:33:33] you're reincarnated or you're like into the void or you go to heaven. Right. No, no one really knows.

[00:33:40] And I'm like so close to a point that I'd maybe even be willing to take that gamble.

[00:33:45] People say people who commit suicide are cowards. I don't think they're really cowards because it's

[00:33:50] very brave to do something like take your own life, even though your body is designed to keep

[00:33:57] going in life, to keep living, to continue that. And you're telling your body, no, we're not having

[00:34:02] none of that. But I do think it's a little braver to keep going even when the pain is this unbearable.

[00:34:10] Hmm. And you're talking to me from your car. I am. Yes. So is this a bit of a secret,

[00:34:16] this conversation? Not really. I don't plan on keeping it a secret. I'll probably like post

[00:34:22] on my social media along with like my batches of art that I'm working on. I want to be connected

[00:34:28] to your art. Thank you. It's suicide. No, to be connected to your art. Yes. Yeah. Yeah,

[00:34:34] man. That's awesome. So you don't take the pill. I would keep it. Right. I don't think I would

[00:34:39] take it immediately or throw it away. I'm still at a point that I would like to die,

[00:34:45] but I would also like to die for a purpose. Diving in front of a bullet to save someone

[00:34:49] or something like that. That'd be a way I'd be willing to go out. But yeah, just for complete

[00:34:55] nothing. I'd still like that, but I can't. I can't right now or I can't for a while or

[00:35:00] I maybe just can't in life right now. You going home after our talk?

[00:35:04] Yeah. I'll drive back after this.

[00:35:07] And you're going to say, you're going to be like, Hey, I just had this talk to this dude

[00:35:12] in North Carolina for about an hour or whatever about suicide. That's not a conversation that's

[00:35:17] happening today. I don't think. Yeah. Probably not today. I just tell them that I've wanted to

[00:35:23] be on this podcast and that I think it'd be a cool experience.

[00:35:27] Oh, do they know what the podcast is about?

[00:35:29] Yeah. My mother does. I don't know about my father. Yeah. A lot of people,

[00:35:33] I just tell them that I'm going on a podcast soon. They're like, Oh, that's cool. And whatever. And

[00:35:37] they're like, what's it about? And I was like, I'll send you it once it's out or something like that.

[00:35:41] Yeah. Okay. Okay. Fascinating. If they actually heard it like after when it comes out and you tell

[00:35:46] them and like, you know, they hear it.

[00:35:48] I don't know. I think it'll help bring awareness and maybe it'll get the ball rolling for something

[00:35:54] like my art to have more of an impact. Like I said, it's a little weird to have professionals

[00:35:59] who don't struggle with these problems deal with these problems. Yeah. And rather than someone who

[00:36:05] was going through these problems kind of like help bring light to the problem makes a bit more sense

[00:36:09] to me. And the whispers that you brought up rather early in our conversation, how often are they

[00:36:15] whispering? Every day they're there. Even if it's like logical or illogical, like if someone's

[00:36:22] like, can you do this? Yes or no. And then I have a thought in the back of my head that's

[00:36:26] like, just, just end it. Just kill yourself. It's like, it's not even worth it. And sometimes

[00:36:31] it's louder. Like right now it's a lot louder. Other times it's a lot quieter because I have

[00:36:37] something else that I can live for. And right now I'm trying to find my own reason to live

[00:36:43] for. And so I'm trying to find these connections, these things to help other people because helping

[00:36:49] other people helps me. Yeah. Did you ever get a diagnosis you think is accurate?

[00:36:54] We, I've never had a psychiatric evaluation. I know I have you in, you were in a hospital

[00:37:01] for a week. You never had a psyche about, I don't believe so. Wow. That's interesting. Okay.

[00:37:05] Yeah. Uh, we're trying to get one soon as well as like a genetic testing. Cause I know

[00:37:11] that there are certain medication works for certain people. And so we're trying to see if

[00:37:16] that would work for me and get a psych, a psychiatric evaluation just to see what I may have. Cause

[00:37:23] they know I have depression. They know I ideate about suicide, but that's about it. I've heard

[00:37:28] like the words like a borderline personality disorder, like thrown across. Is it a hundred

[00:37:34] percent accurate? I don't know. Definitely. There are a lot of attributes that would describe

[00:37:39] me as a person, but there are also a lot of things about borderline personality disorder

[00:37:46] that like I question, like there, I've heard that there's a large controversy around it.

[00:37:51] It's not like as up to date or people don't like exactly know what it is. And it's just kind

[00:37:57] of like saying that person has a problem and we don't really know how to deal with it.

[00:38:00] It might be that way sometimes. Right. Yeah. If you needed someone to talk to and you wanted

[00:38:05] to talk about the whispers or ideating and you wanted to do it in a way where you felt like,

[00:38:10] you know, they listened pretty well and you weren't at risk of them, you know,

[00:38:14] rushing you off to a hospital. Like how many people do you have like that? If any,

[00:38:18] that's a good question. Cause I definitely don't know like what's in their mind that would like,

[00:38:23] if they have something in place that they're like, okay, I need to call somebody about this for

[00:38:27] this person. I haven't pushed a relationship that far to that extent yet. It's great to like dump

[00:38:33] these problems on strangers and stuff like that. Cause it's just, it's like, they don't know you

[00:38:39] a whole lot and I don't know them a whole lot, but we can just exchange like our problems.

[00:38:43] We just kind of like drain all that like crappy energy that's like built up inside you. And even

[00:38:50] though the next day it's probably going to be filled again, you're going to have to drain it again.

[00:38:54] And it does just feel nice to just talk to these people, even if you don't know them or you do know

[00:38:58] them is pretty nice. So I don't know how many people I have talked to. I'm sure I have dozens

[00:39:04] right now, but do I know who they are? Not really. Probably. Does anything help other than your,

[00:39:09] I imagine your art art does help, but I'm very critical about myself with my art. I want it to

[00:39:16] be perfect. I want it to be strong. I want it to kind of like be good on the first, uh, first try.

[00:39:22] Is it no, because I'm in the learning phases and I'm learning these things and it won't be like

[00:39:28] that for a while or probably ever. So like I would draw these creatures and stuff like that and it

[00:39:33] would make me happy at the end, but I wouldn't feel the best while drawing it because in the

[00:39:38] beginning stages of art, almost all the time, it looks crappy, like right at the beginning,

[00:39:43] especially if you're trying to mimic something. Now I'm leaning more into that emotional

[00:39:48] side, that abstract side of it. I'm not trying to like draw a tree one-to-one. Maybe I'm just

[00:39:53] trying to draw like a version of me or like a skull with like an eye or something like that.

[00:40:00] And I'm not like copying what I see, but rather I'm copying more what I'm thinking about and it

[00:40:06] doesn't have to really be wrong. It doesn't feel good to like draw stuff that like orbits around the

[00:40:12] idea of death and suicide, but it does like drain that energy out of me.

[00:40:18] You'd said that as attempting suicide is not cowardly. And I always ask people about any

[00:40:24] myths or misconceptions they have around any of them. So is there anything else that comes to mind

[00:40:29] that you want to dispel?

[00:40:30] Other than what I just said about the act of suicide isn't cowardly because it goes against

[00:40:36] human nature and having somebody go against their own nature is brave in its own sense.

[00:40:43] I do think it is braver for that person to keep going on even if it is crappy. The people who can

[00:40:50] go on without feeling crappy and whatnot, those people aren't as brave in my opinion, though they

[00:40:56] do have their own degrees. But it's hard to keep going in life when you have a body that's like

[00:41:02] almost actively fighting against you or like a mind that it wants death and you can feel that

[00:41:09] like emotional pain in you and you want it to end, but you just keep going. And I think those

[00:41:14] people are the bravest, those ones who have to deal with these like crappy things every single day.

[00:41:20] Like it's almost like driving a, like a car that has problems and it could blow up at any second,

[00:41:26] but still keep going rather than just like give up on it.

[00:41:29] Your car's not blowing up though. It's pretty nice car.

[00:41:32] No, it is. I like it. Yeah, I've named it. His name's Prince.

[00:41:36] Oh, nice. The car Prince. That should be the memoir title.

[00:41:42] Maybe a whisper something with Prince. I don't know. It's a work in progress. These

[00:41:49] whispers of Prince. When is your birthday?

[00:41:53] June 20th. I will be 20. And ideally, I would like to have a more consistent income off my art

[00:42:02] because I get gigs every now and then, but I would like to maybe start getting to a more

[00:42:08] place where I can rely on my art quite a bit.

[00:42:11] That would be awesome.

[00:42:12] Yeah. Again, that's just wishful thinking. It's like hoping for the best, but I'm playing for the

[00:42:17] worst that I will probably be at the job I am now, which is okay. I like the job.

[00:42:22] Okay.

[00:42:23] It's pretty nice. It's not like I love the work, but I do enjoy the people there. So

[00:42:28] I'll keep going at that for a while, but I would like to do something a bit more fulfilling with my

[00:42:34] life.

[00:42:34] I hope you can crush it in the art space, both with, I mean, make a ton of money so much so that

[00:42:40] I can live off of your art, not just you.

[00:42:42] Yeah. I would love to be that person for some people. Yeah.

[00:42:46] Yeah. Right. So I imagine right now that you had said earlier about raising awareness

[00:42:52] specifically around suicide. So I'm going to ask you to do something that I've rarely done.

[00:42:58] Okay.

[00:42:59] Put you on the spot a little bit. Let's say there are people out there like you,

[00:43:03] whatever that means, right? You today, you at 17, you at 15, they're out there, right?

[00:43:09] Yeah. What do you want to say to them?

[00:43:11] I'd like to say that people say there's so much to live for and stuff like that. And I

[00:43:17] know it doesn't seem like it, but even though it is really hard and I feel you all in that

[00:43:24] sense that it really is hard and it's probably going to get harder at some point. It's probably

[00:43:30] going to be worse at some point. But I do think there is always a small, small chance of things

[00:43:37] getting better, whether it's finding that person who can live for you or whatever, or finding

[00:43:43] a purpose in that, like affects the world or just finding just some small distraction

[00:43:49] that can help you get through the next day. Just don't think about it as big as the world

[00:43:53] is. Just, just keep going at a smaller pace for you. Even just a little bit longer can probably

[00:44:01] do wonders.

[00:44:02] Even just a little bit longer. Yeah. The other question I wanted to ask, don't know who

[00:44:06] you might share this with? Don't know who might hear it. I mean, in your life, people that know

[00:44:09] you, do you want to say, this is, I've never asked this question before, right? Ever. Is there

[00:44:13] something you want to say to a particular person? Could be more than one that might hear this.

[00:44:18] To my family. I love you guys and you are all wonderful people. If I do have a tragic passing

[00:44:25] or whatever, please keep going without me. Like I'm not planning on suicide or anything, but it is

[00:44:31] sadly a distinct possibility for me. Some people that's not a possibility for them at all,

[00:44:36] but for me, it kind of is. Right. Because I've already kind of broken that seal. To my friends,

[00:44:43] you're all wonderful people. I wish all of you the best. And if I could help carry a bit of your

[00:44:48] burden, that would mean the world to me. To the ones who chose to love me. You two have been amazing

[00:44:56] people in my life. One day, maybe I would love to help you guys the way you guys helped me in my

[00:45:02] dark times. And I know I probably can't help you the same as I used to, but you guys truly are

[00:45:08] wonderful, wonderful people. Even though right now I'm not in the capacity to help you guys like

[00:45:14] the way you need to help. I would love to be a good friend to you again one day, at least. And that if

[00:45:20] you guys ever do need anything big or small, just reach out. Even if it's like a complete weird shot in

[00:45:27] the dark, just like a small favor or a really weird task or whatever, just just talk to me. I

[00:45:33] like having those fun little conversations, those even if it's not serious or serious. I'd like that.

[00:45:39] It'd mean a lot to me. To the world. Look out. I'm coming through. I like to think I'll be famous

[00:45:46] one day. Probably not, but yeah. You never know. Yeah, exactly.

[00:45:50] Brayden's coming through one way or another and his gray hybrid. I mean, enjoy your days best you can.

[00:45:56] And I appreciate it again, Brayden in Texas. Okay. Thank you. You have a good one too.

[00:46:00] Thanks, man. Take care. Okay. You too. Bye.

[00:46:04] As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support and special thanks to Brayden in Texas.

[00:46:09] Thank you, Brayden. If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:46:13] Hello, it's suicidenoted.com on Facebook or X at Suicide Noted. Check the show notes to learn more

[00:46:19] about this podcast, including our membership and Noted Network, relatively new domain, but the idea,

[00:46:26] the work we've been doing, not so new. However, programs, some coaching, some services, check it out.

[00:46:33] And that is all for episode number 244. Stay strong. Do the best you can. I'll talk to you soon.