Will in Michigan

[00:00:00] The best way I can describe it, I don't want to die most days, but I want it to stop.

[00:00:05] The pain, the worry, the anxiety, the loneliness, the fear.

[00:00:09] I live in constant fear.

[00:00:10] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted.

[00:00:36] On this podcast, I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories.

[00:00:41] Every year around the world, millions of people try to take their own lives and we

[00:00:45] almost never talk about it.

[00:00:46] We certainly don't talk about it enough and when we do talk about it, many of us, including

[00:00:51] me, we are not very good at it.

[00:00:53] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations

[00:00:58] with attempt survivors.

[00:00:59] Remember our main goal?

[00:01:01] I hope these conversations in some small way help more people in more places feel a little

[00:01:07] less shitty and a little less alone.

[00:01:09] If you have been involved however you've been involved listening as a guest some other

[00:01:14] way, I really appreciate you helping out.

[00:01:17] Now if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:01:21] Hello at SuicideNoted.com.

[00:01:24] Please note that email has been a little weird so as a backup, also reach out for whatever

[00:01:29] reason to SuicideNoted at gmail.com.

[00:01:32] Hopefully we'll have that all resolved soon.

[00:01:35] And remember check the show notes if you want to learn more about the podcast including

[00:01:38] our membership.

[00:01:40] Also thanks to Moe and Helena or Helena, I apologize if I got that wrong.

[00:01:44] For being lifetime members it really is a massive help and to a new member as well, Chelsea

[00:01:50] thank you very much.

[00:01:52] Finally we are talking about suicide on this podcast, we do not hold back so take that

[00:01:56] into account please before you listen or as you listen.

[00:02:00] But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn.

[00:02:04] Today I am talking with Will.

[00:02:05] Will lives in Michigan and he is a suicide attempt survivor.

[00:02:14] Will in, where are you?

[00:02:16] Michigan, you're in North Carolina right?

[00:02:18] I'm in North Carolina.

[00:02:19] How old are you Will?

[00:02:21] I'm 34.

[00:02:22] Wow!

[00:02:23] So what are we talking about today?

[00:02:25] I mean we can talk about whatever you want to talk about.

[00:02:27] No we can talk about whatever you want to talk about.

[00:02:29] So you're in Michigan.

[00:02:31] Yes.

[00:02:32] Country or city or something else?

[00:02:35] It's a city but it's a small city so like 7000 people.

[00:02:38] Gotcha.

[00:02:39] And you've attempted suicide?

[00:02:41] Yes.

[00:02:42] How many times?

[00:02:43] Three.

[00:02:44] It's a kind of a question you don't probably get asked a lot.

[00:02:47] Well I've been in nine different facilities so I've been asked it before.

[00:02:52] Right I mean, you know I'm not laughing at you, I'm just sort of like the absurdity.

[00:02:56] I get it.

[00:02:57] I kind of was meaning more like the non-medical professionals but maybe you have some friends

[00:03:01] or family or others that ask, I don't know.

[00:03:04] I'm generally pretty honest with people.

[00:03:06] I mean most of the time I'm also an alcoholic so that kind of puts a hamper on the honesty

[00:03:13] thing once in a while but yeah.

[00:03:16] Alcoholic drinking or alcoholic like recovering?

[00:03:18] Drinking.

[00:03:19] Got it.

[00:03:20] Appreciate your honesty.

[00:03:21] When you're looking for answers what's the best way to get it, give honesty or give

[00:03:24] bullshit?

[00:03:25] Right.

[00:03:26] You know that I'm not a big fan of bullshit.

[00:03:28] Gator don't play that.

[00:03:30] The Gator?

[00:03:31] That's my alumni's mascot.

[00:03:32] How did you know?

[00:03:34] Three attempts, nine facilities I guess hospitalizations or facilities of some kind.

[00:03:39] Where do you want to start?

[00:03:42] What was growing up in Michigan like for you?

[00:03:44] I thought I had a pretty good childhood honestly.

[00:03:48] Both my parents were alcoholics.

[00:03:50] There were some issues and I spent a lot of time alone but I never thought it was anything

[00:03:54] outside the norm but I guess you don't if that's what you're born into you know.

[00:03:58] Yeah I guess my first depression episode I can remember I was like 14 and I was like

[00:04:04] playing a guitar, trying to play a guitar in a stairway and I just had this overwhelming

[00:04:09] feeling of depression.

[00:04:10] Sadness for no reason.

[00:04:12] No just this thing that just came over me.

[00:04:15] Yeah and that's the only I mean it was like a blanket of depression and it's coming

[00:04:20] down ever since so I actually went to my parents to try and talk to them about it

[00:04:25] and I went to just like a general practitioner and a psychiatrist.

[00:04:30] The psychiatrist was an old Navy guy, retired and he just wanted to talk about guns.

[00:04:34] There's something about like I'm from New York originally right so I'm in North Carolina

[00:04:38] but there's something about when you and you might not like me for saying this but I'm

[00:04:42] okay you said honesty right we're going with honesty.

[00:04:45] Yeah.

[00:04:46] You're thinking about Will with a beard smoking a cigarette with a hat on in Michigan

[00:04:50] it's just the image of talking about guns does kind of track.

[00:04:53] Yeah.

[00:04:54] You like guns that guy like guns did you talk to him about guns?

[00:04:57] I talked to him about guns and I wanted somebody to talk to.

[00:05:01] Do you do you shoot guns?

[00:05:03] I used to I gave my guns to a dear friend of mine about a year ago because of what's

[00:05:09] going on.

[00:05:10] Right so we'll get into your attempts were any of them with a gun?

[00:05:13] Yes.

[00:05:14] Alright so you go to this guy then the old Navy guy talking about guns I got

[00:05:18] I don't need to know what he looks like but I have my own visual yeah what happens

[00:05:22] there.

[00:05:23] I had a weird shit I was I had my first girlfriend at the time and I have a real

[00:05:28] trust problem with relationships like I always think that they're out to get me or

[00:05:33] it's just temporary or anything like that.

[00:05:36] I show a picture of my girlfriend at the time and the first thing he says is what's

[00:05:42] he got on feet?

[00:05:43] I'm like oh Jesus one of these you know it was like a sexual thing you know.

[00:05:48] Oh.

[00:05:49] And she was like a 15 year old girl.

[00:05:51] It was just you know if you're in the feet cool but not your girlfriend's feet.

[00:05:56] Yeah you know especially when he's like four times her age or whatever.

[00:06:01] Yeah he was just short of a Vietnam bet so it was a very strange situation.

[00:06:07] Yeah and more importantly like how does this help you when you're going to him?

[00:06:10] It doesn't and I've heard it before on your program that's the hard part

[00:06:14] of all this is so talent 7000 people you gotta wait four or five months to

[00:06:19] see somebody.

[00:06:20] Really?

[00:06:21] Yeah.

[00:06:22] Wow.

[00:06:23] You know all the places I've been for treatment it's like a fake place.

[00:06:29] But Robin Williams said it's super easy to stay sober in rehab, super easy to get

[00:06:33] help in rehab and build this fake facade of reality and then you get launched

[00:06:38] right back out in the world.

[00:06:40] So if you've had nine times in these places yeah you're literally like

[00:06:47] walking billboard for what doesn't work in many ways you could argue.

[00:06:50] This is a whole other avenue I don't want to be like oh it doesn't work and this

[00:06:54] doesn't work that doesn't work but yeah I mean I've gone to meetings I've gone

[00:06:58] to self-help things I've searched YouTube multiple times for different you know

[00:07:03] self-help stuff and it's like I don't know it's like it's just garbage some

[00:07:08] of it you know and I don't have these or otherwise I probably wouldn't be

[00:07:12] here right now you know so I I don't know what the truth is you know

[00:07:16] I've had people tell me to you know pull myself up by my bootstraps.

[00:07:21] Oh those fucking bootstrap that bullshit.

[00:07:24] So this guy you go to him and you're 14 and you're dating the girl

[00:07:28] and you'd mentioned something about trust stuff so just something happen.

[00:07:32] You know I went I don't know nine times or something like that eight or nine

[00:07:37] times or ten times maybe anyway but there was just no you know no answer

[00:07:42] he just said well you should probably dumber.

[00:07:44] My favorite word should.

[00:07:46] Ayayay.

[00:07:47] What how old is attempt number one?

[00:07:49] 18.

[00:07:50] So when you're 14 or 15 you bring up the fact that you had a girlfriend and I

[00:07:54] it was there a reason for that is that connected to what happens at 18?

[00:07:58] Yes we were struggling the whole time I'm not blaming her but I always have

[00:08:02] trust issues when we first got together she was she was 14

[00:08:06] she had slept on the 28 year old there was a part of me that wanted to

[00:08:09] walk away at that time but there's a there's a picture in me that wants

[00:08:13] to pursue things but it was still a factor the entire time so I hadn't been

[00:08:19] working I joined the army didn't work out and she moved away suddenly it was just

[00:08:25] unexpected.

[00:08:26] By the way well so you're dating throughout like all of high school?

[00:08:29] Yeah.

[00:08:30] Got you so you're 14 15 16 17 you joined the army what 17 18?

[00:08:35] 17.

[00:08:35] You said it didn't work out?

[00:08:37] No.

[00:08:38] Army and girl?

[00:08:39] Well army first and then girl second.

[00:08:42] Yeah what happened with that?

[00:08:43] Just the anxiety I couldn't I couldn't deal with it I couldn't I had broken up with her

[00:08:48] like multiple times and I joined and I was just I was just worried the entire time

[00:08:54] and just the thoughts so when you're in basic training you get a bunch of shots

[00:08:59] and I was so anxious and so sick from all the shots I shit my pants it was rough

[00:09:04] I mean it's kind of what I still deal with today is the just the constant anxiety and

[00:09:09] overthinking things.

[00:09:10] Yeah so army doesn't work out I came back we worked out for another three years or so

[00:09:18] and then there was 21 22.

[00:09:22] Let me just go back for a moment you said your first attempt was at 18?

[00:09:25] Yeah.

[00:09:26] So tell me about that one if you would.

[00:09:28] It's my step-grandfather really but I never told him that he was in World War II

[00:09:32] and he owned a gas station in town and he brought home a German pistol that was made in 1914.

[00:09:39] She had moved away at the time and I was I was sitting upstairs at my parents' house

[00:09:46] and the damage in the wood is still there it was a like a corner bracket for a window.

[00:09:51] I had the gun people generally trust me I'm generally trusting and follow through with

[00:09:57] things person but I had this gun I hadn't I hadn't went through it before I had you know

[00:10:03] checked operations on it before and I had shot it before when he conquered gun

[00:10:08] slide stays back put a magazine on it generally doesn't go forward right this model you put the

[00:10:14] magazine in and it launches the slide forward that's how it's designed.

[00:10:18] If a striker fire it's not a hammer it's a spring loaded pin that gets contracted

[00:10:24] and is held back by a hinge and you bolt the trigger it releases so I had loaded this gun

[00:10:32] I was sad I was listening to old school Roder-Mellon music I loaded the gun I was sitting

[00:10:38] in front of my TV and the bullet bounced off the TV and hit the corner.

[00:10:43] It malfunctioned yeah so that bullet was intended for where?

[00:10:47] My head.

[00:10:48] Do you think you would have done it?

[00:10:50] I don't know.

[00:10:50] I don't know anything about guns.

[00:10:53] Guns are loud and you're in a room my ears were ringing and like what just happened and

[00:10:59] didn't work and my hit you know am I bleeding oh god are the cops coming you know what's

[00:11:05] going on now damage control at that point when I was sitting there and I looked out the window

[00:11:09] and my neighbor walked out and said she heard a gunshot and I had gone downstairs at this point

[00:11:16] she said did you hear a gunshot?

[00:11:17] I said yeah where do you think you go?

[00:11:19] I mean she said it sounded like came from a long ways off but no I mean I told a few people

[00:11:25] but nobody ever really knew you know I never got busted red handed or anything.

[00:11:30] And you're 18 and now you said from earlier that you stay with that then girlfriend break up at

[00:11:36] 21. By 21 have you been in the hospital your first stay yet?

[00:11:40] No my dad got sick in 2012 right around that 22-23 age my drinking escalated so I broke up with her

[00:11:52] my dad died I was living on my own and I just started drinking I mean that was every night

[00:11:58] I was at the bar most nights we broke we had broke up I was single for a year

[00:12:03] and my dad was sick I had moved back in to try and help with my dad dying I couldn't handle it

[00:12:10] like I just being there and and I mean he was pissing on a bottle on the couch and had an eye

[00:12:17] patch on because his eyes went googly eyed and I just I just couldn't take it.

[00:12:22] Moving back home I was still going to the bar sometimes I met a girl and I ended up marrying her

[00:12:29] okay to 18 in his first attempt at what point you try again?

[00:12:34] Not till I'm 26 I dated this chick she was an alcoholic too well you're not supposed to call

[00:12:40] other alcoholics, alcoholics but she was and I bought a house we dated and we got married

[00:12:47] and we lived in together we shouldn't have separated getting divorced I was drinking my

[00:12:52] drinking was way out of control and I was still working.

[00:12:56] Just so I'm clear on the sort of timeline you separate from this woman you meet a girl at work

[00:13:03] you're quite the Romeo I have to say geez.

[00:13:06] I don't like being alone I don't like being allowed.

[00:13:10] I got it when you say you moved three girls in what does that mean?

[00:13:13] Oh so the first girl I met at work ended up marrying her next but that's later

[00:13:20] I moved her in she had some legal issues and math was her issue.

[00:13:24] So you were a drinker she was met yeah and what are the other two girls you mean you were like more

[00:13:29] women like you're dating them? So she had left I got her own place the other two were kind of a

[00:13:36] package deal one was a stripper and one was the stripper's friend.

[00:13:40] So how old were you when that was happening just so I have a sort of timeline?

[00:13:43] 26 26 so eight years ago yeah or less and your second attempt is around then or a little later?

[00:13:50] A little later my second attempt didn't come till 2018.

[00:13:54] All the while what did you typically drink?

[00:13:56] Yearly whiskey.

[00:13:58] Whiskey probably not a question I'm supposed to ask anywhere but I'm going to when you say

[00:14:03] you drank a lot you said every night when you're drinking how much are you drinking?

[00:14:07] Then it was a fifth a fifth a ninth.

[00:14:09] What does that mean like a normal bottle?

[00:14:11] Yeah so 750 ml.

[00:14:14] That's a that's a nice chunk yeah when you say then you mean you drink more now or less?

[00:14:19] Less.

[00:14:19] Yeah I mean I imagine there's only so long your liver is gonna last if you do that right?

[00:14:23] Right yeah.

[00:14:24] Do you think as somebody who's also struggled a lot with or just simply drank a lot do you

[00:14:29] think it was just like fuck it I feel better when I drink or a slow sort of suicide as well?

[00:14:36] I don't know yeah I asked that question recently and I think it some consciously yeah it's both

[00:14:43] I mean at the moment you want to feel better but you know as somebody that's been through

[00:14:47] different facilities I mean it just doesn't stick you know you know and I've been in

[00:14:51] the programs I've been to AAA I've been to Celebrate Recovery and it just doesn't work out.

[00:14:57] Right.

[00:14:58] Is there a point in which you either lose that house move out the girls leave?

[00:15:03] No so I guess next step is I'm still in the house right now I'm on the verge of losing it

[00:15:10] I have some real soul searching here to do before I you know I have job I have a

[00:15:14] couple job offers but if I can't stay sober long enough to take one then

[00:15:18] I have a moot point.

[00:15:19] There is a period of time that I lose the girls I've switched jobs and it's funny my jobs got

[00:15:25] progressively better and then they got progressively worse so in 2018 it was April

[00:15:30] I moved the the method girl in and that's when things started really going downhill again.

[00:15:35] I was passed out on the couch and she beat on the door one day and

[00:15:39] and that's how we started our relationship or continued our relationship rather.

[00:15:44] I had a job I was a training class so she moved in in April and the training class was in October

[00:15:51] so we lived together things were sketchy and rocky and I caught her doing a bunch of stuff.

[00:15:56] Anyway I go this training class in October in Detroit which is about three hours away

[00:16:02] she just goes ghost mode and I just sink and I can't do anything about it and I can't you

[00:16:09] know there's no self-preservation left I had my gun with me because I was going

[00:16:14] out of town and I was in a hotel room and I couldn't get a hold of anybody I couldn't get

[00:16:18] my mom to come pick me up I couldn't you know I didn't drive there I was brought there and I was

[00:16:24] having issues and I was going to shoot myself again. I had an Uber tank near the dearest

[00:16:29] grocery store I bought a bottle I wrote a letter to everybody that I could think of

[00:16:34] and I was going to end it and I didn't I called the police.

[00:16:38] You called the police yeah do you regret doing that?

[00:16:41] Yeah because I ended up in a psychiatric facility that was terrible I think I was there 10 days.

[00:16:47] How or why did you not do it what stopped you?

[00:16:51] I can't I can't really answer that I don't know what stopped me.

[00:16:54] I asked that because when you when you write notes you know you're getting pretty close I think

[00:16:59] and you said you went to the supermarket or wherever you buy alcohol I imagine that was in

[00:17:03] part to just sort of make it easier yeah yeah no not all the questions can be answered I get

[00:17:08] it I still ask them calling the cops yeah who else are you going to call at that point?

[00:17:12] No I mean I had exhausted my resources and I guess there was another one before that actually.

[00:17:18] Another attempt yeah worth talking about or no it's up to you?

[00:17:22] Yeah so same year 2018 she had left for a couple I think weeks she she ran back and forth to

[00:17:28] Tennessee quite a bit I ripped the you know the hose out of a vacuum that you can do

[00:17:33] fine adjustments with I think I have fixed it to the exhaust in my truck and roll the window out.

[00:17:38] Check the car? Yeah.

[00:17:40] Sealed up? Yep.

[00:17:41] To go to sleep? No.

[00:17:43] How not you know? I don't.

[00:17:46] Wow I thought that was pretty much like a done deal yeah it's not easy to kill yourself.

[00:17:51] No it's not.

[00:17:53] Do you wish those attempts had worked any of them?

[00:17:55] I could ask that as we talked today or at any point after them but today.

[00:17:59] Yeah.

[00:17:59] You wish they had worked?

[00:18:01] Yes.

[00:18:01] Let's say last year or the year before would you have a similar answer or does it sort of

[00:18:05] change based on what you're going through?

[00:18:07] No it's been pretty consistent.

[00:18:09] Yeah southern's fucking rough Will.

[00:18:11] Yes it's been rough man 2018 psychiatric hospital that was rough I didn't get treated for alcohol

[00:18:19] withdrawal so I just had to sweat it out the whole time.

[00:18:21] Yeah.

[00:18:22] So I stay with the and I don't mean to call her a methad that's not the right

[00:18:27] term she's got an addiction problem just like I do I end up marrying her.

[00:18:31] Third marriage?

[00:18:32] Second.

[00:18:33] That was the second marriage got it.

[00:18:35] There's all these behaviors and she's texting other people other people come in the house

[00:18:39] while I'm at work things don't go well so that moves into 2020 and COVID happens so in April of 2020

[00:18:48] there was a domestic situation at my house and I was removed and I started the divorce proceedings.

[00:18:53] I was living in a tent in my mom's backyard until July of that year everything gets dropped

[00:18:59] by that time because of course we're moving so damn slow because of COVID.

[00:19:03] I get the charges dropped so I can I'm finally allowed to go home and she's still here and I had

[00:19:08] filed for divorce and her dad gets sick from cirrhosis and she wants me to help take care of

[00:19:15] him and move him in so I quit drinking and we go I mean there was vodka bottles underneath

[00:19:21] this bed it lifted us you know mattress frame off the apartment was a mess we cleaned it all

[00:19:27] up movement and now we're taking care of a sick guy.

[00:19:32] So we did that I sobered up and she ends up dying I held her shoulders when he took his last breath

[00:19:39] I made sure to do that meanwhile all this shit you know while I was gone she was she had

[00:19:45] two or three guys sleeping with her in my house psychologically I don't think that's good for

[00:19:50] anybody you know staying in a house where your your ex-partners have cheated on you multiple

[00:19:55] times maybe you know you're somebody's a better person than I am if they can get past that.

[00:20:00] Yes that did oh well did oh I couldn't do it no way.

[00:20:03] He ends up dying moving forward into like December-ish I finally filed for divorce for

[00:20:10] again through the last time I had called my attorney and told her to hold it off but

[00:20:13] I had finally filed for divorce December of that year during COVID you could take out

[00:20:18] a bigger percentage of your 401k uh with health penalties and I took out some money and

[00:20:23] I made sure all the kids had a good Christmas filed for divorce and she was gone in January.

[00:20:28] They're not your kids right? No okay so January of 2021 is that the last attempt?

[00:20:34] Yeah same method uh no I was gonna it was it was February of 2020 I was still drinking

[00:20:40] and I was gonna hang myself I think even 2021 right yeah 2021 so you're drinking you're

[00:20:45] gonna hang yourself yeah how close did you get uh I made an anchor I tied the knot and I

[00:20:52] got the chair and put my nut in it and everything fell apart literally literally huh something or

[00:21:00] someone wants you to be here for at least a little while longer well I think I've been told that before

[00:21:04] and I wish I knew what that reason was three I was more than three years ago I believe and we're

[00:21:10] here talking which means you know you're looking for a podcast with the word suicide in it so

[00:21:15] that tells me probably the last three years have not been easy no I've been I've had 21 jobs

[00:21:21] in those three years all kind of dark like different types of jobs no I'm a I'm a journeyman tool and

[00:21:26] die maker so wait is it what does that mean so I basically I build machines wow that's kind of

[00:21:32] interesting it's interesting and stressful at the same time like the glasses on your face

[00:21:39] I would build a machine that would mold those that's what a tool and die guy is

[00:21:43] yeah I got a lot to learn so 21 jobs perhaps this sounds a little silly that's a lot that's a hell of

[00:21:50] a lot and then I will concur with uh so is it because you're in primary like just not doing well

[00:21:55] drinking all that's involved with that is that why you're not keeping the jobs yeah are you single

[00:22:00] right now yeah of your nine stays you mentioned one hospital stay when you called the cops are

[00:22:06] the others mental health facilities addiction facilities it was five mental health facilities

[00:22:12] and four addiction facilities any of the mental health ones better than mediocre the last one I

[00:22:18] went to was pretty good it was in Indiana and I did a 30 day stay I felt pretty good getting out of it

[00:22:25] but the day I got out I got dropped off at my mom's house and I drank and that was a mental

[00:22:30] health and or like addiction it was a dual diagnosis yeah like Robin Williams said though

[00:22:35] you know it's not so hard in there sometimes great so I got out and I immediately drank

[00:22:41] and I immediately called them and so I needed to come back I went back to the facility sobered up

[00:22:47] and they put me in and like a second chance house or whatever you call it the first day I

[00:22:52] got there I tested positive for tuberculosis and I got sent to the hospital and they wanted

[00:22:58] to keep me in the hospital and I had just I had had an arm at that point and I said I'm not staying

[00:23:03] at the hospital I want to go home and deal with this if I really have tuberculosis which I don't

[00:23:10] was a you know false positive that was the last stay that was in February of this year yeah

[00:23:18] when did you find the podcast you recall I was looking to get self-help in 2018 dealing

[00:23:24] with the relationship that I had because the job that I had at that time I spent four years there

[00:23:30] and they should have fired me honestly but they were trying to help me they were trying to work

[00:23:34] with me and I would listen to you at work in 2018 no you did not I wasn't around in 2018

[00:23:42] this started in 2020 what were you listening to 2020 yeah maybe the dates are off because

[00:23:47] I started in the summer of 2020 that's funny so it was at the same job it must have been

[00:23:53] 2020 then yeah I wish I had two more years under my belt so you've been listening for a while

[00:23:58] yeah I used to go back and go through and you know the old ones I was newer to Spotify at the time

[00:24:04] so I typed in suicide one day you came up in the last three plus years since the attempt

[00:24:12] where you tried to hang yourself or came very close do you think about suicide

[00:24:16] often every day every day it's this weird thing I mean I can be pushing my toolbox

[00:24:22] down a aisle at work and I just say I'm just gonna kill myself it is all the way there's a question

[00:24:28] I'd ask a couple of other guests I remember somewhat recently I never asked it before which is

[00:24:33] when you think about suicide that often do you start to think about like you're pushing your

[00:24:37] cart and you've got tools you're like maybe I can kill myself this way or maybe I can kill

[00:24:42] myself that way or you're in your car you're like maybe I can just you know do you start

[00:24:46] to get a little more creative with the possibilities of method yeah like I I pushed my car past like a

[00:24:54] electrical panel and I said I could just grab the breakers and then that'd be a quick way out

[00:24:59] I don't know I guess the best way I can describe it and I told I told the therapist of my last

[00:25:04] day that I don't want to die most days but I want it to stop what's the it the pain the

[00:25:11] worry the anxiety the loneliness the fear I live in constant fear you know and when somebody knocks

[00:25:18] on the door I get an adrenaline dump you know that's that's not normal you know and I told my last

[00:25:23] therapist this like sitting out in the parking lot I before I would walk into work I pray nothing

[00:25:29] goes wrong I pray that I don't make mistakes I pray that I don't do this I don't think that's

[00:25:33] normal walking into work I and I asked her I said do you sit out in that parking lot out

[00:25:37] there and pray and be so nervous to walk in she says no you're praying to a god or praying to

[00:25:43] something else I pray to god yeah Jesus Christ I'm not very religious but when I when I need help and

[00:25:50] don't have anybody to run to that's you know it's probably a bad answer but that's what I do that's

[00:25:56] your answer at what point do you decide because this just happened this week I think if I remember

[00:26:00] maybe last week where after years of listening to this my voice and thank you for that because

[00:26:05] that can be irritating as fuck you decide to actually talk so that other people can hear it

[00:26:10] because this isn't just us talking right this is going to go out so July of 2022 I went to a rehab

[00:26:17] and before I went to the rehab I opened up to my friends I mean I'm sure they had some idea but

[00:26:22] they probably didn't know the extent of anything it's just so hard to get help and it's so hard

[00:26:27] to talk to anybody about anything especially when they don't understand you know I've got

[00:26:33] three best friends and and I tell them but they just don't get it what do they say if anything

[00:26:40] my one friend is very analytical well two of them are very analytical and the one is very you

[00:26:46] know metaphysics and Reiki healing and all that and he's just like manifest what you want take

[00:26:53] what you want that's so hard to do when you hate waking up every day yeah my other friend

[00:26:58] that's very analytical he's he doesn't understand it at all you know just just go to work just do

[00:27:03] what you're supposed to do and the other friend that's just just keep trying to focus on yourself

[00:27:08] and get better but you know this house is shot and I either take this job that I have two jobs

[00:27:15] or I sit in Waller that's my choices you know let let it all go to stop you know

[00:27:21] you said you drink less these days do you drink like I drink at night so in my brain I'm

[00:27:27] like all right you know you don't ever drink before 8 p.m and that the that the guy like

[00:27:32] you know you make your reasons or your ways to justify are you a drinker at night only morning

[00:27:37] day night these days um right now both day and night doesn't matter I've had a couple periods

[00:27:43] where I you know I try to taper off and cut down because I hate to hate the withdrawals but

[00:27:48] I'm running out of money in time and your house is falling apart yeah so when I asked you

[00:27:53] why we're talking about this and others there was part one which is like there's nowhere to

[00:27:57] really go to talk about it was what I sensed but also like you're okay with other people hearing

[00:28:02] this stuff because they're going to unless you decide not to let me release it no I I think I said

[00:28:08] I was I tried to hide it before but I'm pretty open about things yeah you did say that does

[00:28:14] anybody know that we're talking a person I went to rehab with I told them today supportive

[00:28:20] yeah he seemed super interested and wants me to text him and tell me how it went so

[00:28:26] oh cool I'm at a crossroads right here I don't I don't know what to do uh my mom is

[00:28:30] less than interested with me she's got a new drunk boyfriend and my ex-wife lives three houses down

[00:28:36] and I have a hard time dealing with that the second one yeah cash and very down the street it's

[00:28:42] it's not like I have a you know an observation post or something set up right directional

[00:28:47] mics and all that but sure right I mean when you go for a walk or walk the dogs or you know

[00:28:53] pull out on the driveway it's it's right there yeah does anybody know outside of medical folks and

[00:29:00] perhaps even including them because I'm thinking about all of your attempts kind of happened as

[00:29:04] they often do sort of privately in secret but nobody found you like you would have to be proactive

[00:29:10] and telling people for them to know yeah have you told anybody yes do you still go to therapy

[00:29:16] no I don't I just applied for uh Medicaid to get insurance again I was going to therapy

[00:29:22] regularly once a week did your therapist or perhaps other people in the past diagnosed you with anything

[00:29:28] that you think is accurate I've got like 14 diagnoses alcohol use disorder major and depressive

[00:29:35] disorder uh PTSD generalized anxiety disorder psychological abuse as a child physical abuse

[00:29:42] as a child trying to remember them all I wish I had my paperwork that's a lot even without the

[00:29:48] others yeah they're a nightmare disorder uh panic disorder yeah I can't remember the rest

[00:29:55] do you take meds yeah I'm running out but I take meds help at all I don't think so no does anything

[00:30:03] help sometimes drinking you know that's that's the nature of the beast with alcohol is you're

[00:30:09] looking for an escape or to self-medicate yeah I might get better for you know a couple hours

[00:30:15] and then you go to sleep and it gets worse and you have nightmares yeah pink and purple pill

[00:30:21] question I give you a pill it happens to be pink and purple which is kind of irrelevant

[00:30:26] you take it you go to sleep you're in no pain you die and uh people don't actually know it was

[00:30:31] a suicide they just think you died in your sleep do you take it do you save it do you

[00:30:36] toss it I take it today right now right till second before or after the cigarette

[00:30:43] it's gonna be a good last drag like I said I'm running out of time and run out of opportunities

[00:30:49] I'm running out of running on a lot of things yeah you know the question I ask I'm sure you've

[00:30:54] heard this one about like myths or misconceptions I've watched a lot of self-help things and I

[00:30:59] guess it relates back to the bootstrap thing it's like I think everybody has their limits

[00:31:03] I think a human mind can only take so much and that can that can defer from situation to

[00:31:09] situation I myself I do really well in high stress you know life or death situations but

[00:31:17] what I call the administrative portion of life I suck at pain those going to work going to bed

[00:31:23] on time hate that because your mind just goes and goes and goes and goes mind does you know and

[00:31:29] to be straight forward with you I'm a little amazed I made it out here today because I didn't

[00:31:33] know if I was gonna or not you made it man so what do you mean when you say you were

[00:31:38] surprised that you did make it well it's just been a hell of a weekend so my ex-wife living down the

[00:31:43] street moved her boyfriend that she said that it wasn't involved with the situation at all

[00:31:50] and it's like the whole block is on her side and I had a lady over from two houses down

[00:31:57] that wanted to sleep with me and it's just been it's just been a nightmare did you sleep with

[00:32:02] man that won't fix anything when's your birthday 12 15 of 89 December where you are in March this

[00:32:10] will come out probably in May so forget the birthday are you gonna hear this meaning will you listen

[00:32:17] if you're alive part two will you be alive are they both I don't know I would listen to it but

[00:32:22] I don't I don't know if I'll be here you're ideating a lot yeah I'm not the cops you can

[00:32:27] say anything you want with me if you want to share how close are you in terms of dates methods

[00:32:33] think things around that getting some shit together that ends you want to loose ends you

[00:32:37] want to tie up in your life it's come down to brass tacks then you know the end of the rope

[00:32:41] I either fix myself which I've not been successful at doing or I do something else and

[00:32:47] do you have any days that don't suck no an hour when I'm drinking and listening to music

[00:32:53] what do you listen to what kind everything I play guitar and I taught myself how to play

[00:32:58] drums and violin so are you fucking serious yeah that's amazing people say I'm pretty smart I don't

[00:33:04] think so but if I can do it you can do it I don't know oh that sounds a lot like what your

[00:33:10] buddy said to you about fucking pull yourself up by your bootstraps yeah I don't know if I can

[00:33:16] do it yeah you're right I could do it I just don't yeah but there's some people that have

[00:33:20] natural aptitudes I think that's a fair statement yeah I would agree I tested very high on a musical

[00:33:26] aptitude test one time so right what else you want to talk about man I mean I know there's always

[00:33:30] more to the story but one thing that does help to me and that I've been falling back on is

[00:33:37] they say talk to yourself like you talk to your best friend and I've been trying to do that

[00:33:43] sage advice sage ideas yeah I haven't come up with any ideas for your memoir I don't

[00:33:48] know if you've heard the podcast in which I do that admittedly I if there was a test for

[00:33:55] creating memoir titles I would test very high on that like you do musical aptitude

[00:34:00] this is a kind of corny question the kind of corny question you might be like I'm not answering that

[00:34:04] like I'm just imagining you have like a movie or a book or something that's like Will's life is

[00:34:09] there a title there's a truth and there's uh what I'd like like it to be what I would like it to

[00:34:14] be would be philanthropy to let the world be but the reality is a guy that's just failed a bunch and

[00:34:22] giving up hope hope is such a weird thing just once you lose that it's tough maybe too tough

[00:34:29] yeah I mean I flew down to Charleston uh South Carolina two weeks ago for a job interview

[00:34:36] I was pretty happy got the job offer it was nice nice area but once the background check comes

[00:34:43] through it's not reality you know maybe I misunderstood something or you didn't share

[00:34:48] what about your background check is a red flag for them all the jobs I've never had oh you can't lie

[00:34:53] about that I did but they're gonna find out so they see a guy who's can't keep a job yeah and you

[00:34:59] in this field you have to you like you can't create your own job you're dependent on others to

[00:35:03] hire you um I wanted to create my own job I had uh at one time I had machines that I had bought

[00:35:10] but it's it takes special power and a lot of investments and with my history I just

[00:35:17] it's hard you know thinking about tomorrow let alone plan in and save oh yeah oh yeah especially

[00:35:22] when you say that you're not great at the administrative side of life and a lot of that

[00:35:25] like running a business is just that right yeah I suck at that shit too I'm actually amazed

[00:35:30] that I have this podcast going and I haven't missed an episode because the you know like the

[00:35:34] behind-the-scenes stuff I'm fine with talking I've learned how to edit but just a little

[00:35:39] stuff like getting back to you with the fucking link or making sure I send it I do it but like

[00:35:45] I don't have any systems right it's just like oh I hope I don't forget and I don't think I have but

[00:35:50] you know you add that up and your brain starts to get mushy anyway it's not about me but yeah so

[00:35:56] current status you know my mom's not talking to me and I'm sitting here alone with my two

[00:36:02] dogs I was trying to find a home for them uh in case things do go so but that doesn't seem

[00:36:08] to work either so I don't have an honest answer for you at this point no I appreciate well that's

[00:36:14] an honest answer kind of dogs two pit bulls all right names me and stern you miss them a little bit

[00:36:22] yeah anymore I feel more of a burden on them than an owner when they see other people they're a

[00:36:29] lot happier right I do not mean at all to throw or pour fuel on fire here but you've been opening

[00:36:37] up a lot sharing stuff so I just remain curious when you're you're I don't know if you have a sort

[00:36:42] of typical day and I know you're drinking do you leave the house usually not uh there's a lot of

[00:36:48] trails around here and I went for a hike three days ago I mean besides going to get cigarettes and

[00:36:54] beer that's the last time I left the house anybody call you text you message you my ex

[00:37:00] I told him today I was done and I don't want to hear anymore and I blocked her on every platform

[00:37:05] but I still get calls from restricted numbers that are blocked or you know there's there's all

[00:37:10] those texting apps now that you've got any number you want so is she just checking in on you or is

[00:37:16] it she's reaching out for another reason reaching in for another reason got it so probably not

[00:37:21] helping hence the blocking right she either you know wants to have sex or hates me so

[00:37:28] talk to a bunch of people in Michigan I don't know why there's a few states that uh

[00:37:31] know what's going on could be coincidental but no I I talked to somebody about that my my brother in

[00:37:37] law is no longer talking to me but last January or this January I talked to him about he was an

[00:37:45] army recruiter in Michigan and they recently just moved to Kentucky and I said is there a

[00:37:50] correlation between Michigan or these whatever the seasonal affective disorder or whatever they

[00:37:55] call it you know they're he agrees that there's something there's you know a connection

[00:38:00] there on my block alone so this house that I bought after I bought it the people got divorced

[00:38:07] everybody on this block is divorced I don't know if it's on an Indian bear around or what but

[00:38:13] you're right it might be both of my wife's dad's died here so it's it's kind of harder

[00:38:18] my county has been the highest for uh methamphetamines astronomically so I don't know yeah are you

[00:38:27] in the next whatever period of time facing homelessness potentially eventually yeah I have a I have a

[00:38:33] storage unit that's an option but that's why I was talking about getting somebody for the dogs

[00:38:38] whether I check out or or have to leave is that feasible beyond the week the storage facility

[00:38:45] I guess it's better than being the cold but there's a couple of abandoned buildings in town

[00:38:49] that I've thought about having to go to uh I actually have a go bag you know if I do have

[00:38:54] to leave here you'd said when you were younger you had a quarter you know you had your childhood

[00:38:58] and it was obviously a lot going on but it was sort of normal to you yeah do you ever think like I

[00:39:03] kind of can't fucking believe this is how my life has turned out yeah I mean that's that's the hard

[00:39:07] part it's I'm aware that all this or most of it anyway is self-inflicted if I would have made

[00:39:13] different choices those hard choices you know maybe I wouldn't be here maybe I don't have

[00:39:18] the answer to that but I think that the healthiest moments in my life were when I was listening to

[00:39:23] you in my adult life listening to you and taking care of myself and knowing that other people were

[00:39:29] going through the same thing and trying to soldier through wow that's those are kind words I don't

[00:39:35] know if that's what your intention was but it sure is good to hear that no it's the truth

[00:39:38] you know and I think it's the same theory behind AA and NA and all those other meetings

[00:39:43] is is like people getting together and sharing their life experiences and having certain things in

[00:39:51] place so people don't say really stupid shit right so in AA which I went to for a little bit

[00:39:57] you hear somebody talk about something and then the only thing if I remember quickly is

[00:40:02] that you can say is like thank you right you don't get to comment on it you don't get to say

[00:40:07] all the shit that we deal with all the time with people in our lives and that's that way for a

[00:40:12] reason yeah uh it's not the same thing but for me it's like I never do certain things because

[00:40:18] I know what that will well first because I just don't want to I'm not here for that I don't really do

[00:40:23] it my life but I also know the podcast changed dramatically if I start or if anybody starts doing

[00:40:29] that you don't have this thing where we can be let's just say your experience of the podcast

[00:40:34] would have probably been different yeah you would not have been able to say what you just said

[00:40:38] no and that's exactly I mean that's my biggest problem with AA is not all meetings are bad by

[00:40:44] any means but I mean sometimes you're just walking in there and you I'm sitting there and

[00:40:49] I want to suck start a shotgun just listening to these people why I don't know it's like the guy

[00:40:54] that I am supposed to text after this I was telling them you know when you when you hear somebody

[00:40:58] bitch about the lions or a football game that happened or you know and it ruined their day

[00:41:04] and it's like are you fucking kidding me your day got ruined by the lions losing or a sports

[00:41:10] game or somebody cutting you off in traffic like I understand that's frustrating but I'm just trying

[00:41:16] to live yeah you're like in a life and death bath you said that you were getting on Medicaid

[00:41:23] so that you could what see a therapist if I'm still around the trying to continue and get some

[00:41:29] help so that's not somebody who's 100% totally giving up I don't think no but I mean the biggest

[00:41:36] thing is like I am gonna be here then I have to get some help right but then I get roped into the

[00:41:43] bureaucracy of the whole thing you know help go go for a walk you know go you get out there put

[00:41:49] yourself out there you know well you have bad therapists it's not like you need you don't

[00:41:55] just need therapy you need good therapy and then maybe that will be enough maybe not right

[00:42:00] maybe in your town of seven your city of 7 000 people there aren't many good therapists

[00:42:05] or at least for you well no I mean my dad said it once you know the people at the hospital or

[00:42:11] those aren't the A doctors those are the C and D doctors but now you've got this other thing

[00:42:16] because of your history that you don't get a gig in Charleston where maybe they do have

[00:42:20] good doctors or somewhere else right no and that's one of the three friends that I was talking to

[00:42:25] is really amped up about me going down to Charleston to be around better help better

[00:42:30] people better situation more things to do and I understand it and that would be great but

[00:42:38] the reality is the reality I hate that it is what it is what it is kind of sucks yeah and I mean

[00:42:45] just just looking out the window the whole block is fucking sleeping with each other and it's

[00:42:51] like Peyton's place over here and what the hell do you do even if you picture yourself

[00:42:56] we've got more bars than churches and that's where everybody's at there is definitely something to

[00:43:01] be said for removing oneself if possible that's a big if from a place that doesn't make everything

[00:43:06] you know you go wherever you go there you are and I do think that tends to be true but there's

[00:43:10] value sometimes and just you know this I'm not saying anything you don't already know I haven't

[00:43:14] thought about but getting the fuck out yeah like I've oftentimes thought about the French

[00:43:19] foreign legion yeah man sometimes I'm like I'm just getting in my fucking car

[00:43:24] and just going somewhere yeah no I talked about that multiple times with uh I mean there's

[00:43:29] YouTube channels about camping and urban living and and just getting away and getting out I guess

[00:43:36] that's why I've been trying to find a place for my dog is because they you know that's the only

[00:43:40] thing those those dogs are the only thing that's kept me grounded at times I just don't know if

[00:43:46] I can do it anymore the past the past two times have just been the past two rehabs have just been

[00:43:53] told just fuck it you know it's a progressive thing it works you know you had said earlier that

[00:44:01] having listened to these the people on this podcast has helped what I'm wondering because

[00:44:07] this is different you're not listening you're just well you're listening to me but

[00:44:10] it's you talking do you think when we get off I know you don't know for sure because

[00:44:15] we haven't gotten off yet it will make things worse I don't know um I'm gonna process it after

[00:44:23] we get off I totally intend on sharing with the world you know this zoom call and I don't know

[00:44:30] just like I don't know what tomorrow holds I don't I don't know how it's going to make me feel

[00:44:35] right I'm limited in my role obviously but you I think you know my role yeah what it is and

[00:44:40] what it's not which is kind of a weird space I have to say to being sometimes especially

[00:44:44] when someone's like you know because you've heard the podcast some people they're not going to try

[00:44:48] right there uh it's been 12 years and probably not going to be there again you know hard to say

[00:44:53] for sure and then I talk to some people when it's like they're in it and uh I've actually had a

[00:44:58] few of those last month or two they say things happen for a reason I don't know I don't know

[00:45:04] I don't have those answers Nietzsche says time is a flat circle and it sure seems to be that

[00:45:10] that's the memoir title that's gotta be it you've been completely and totally honest and also like

[00:45:16] very articulate and clear but I'm wondering curious are you drinking yeah loosens you up a little bit

[00:45:23] yeah should I leave that out or can I leave it in you don't in there a couple beers yeah do you

[00:45:28] think with Adam it would have been a harder conversation uh absolutely I would have been

[00:45:33] shaking and sometimes I go into a like a complete panic attack where I can't even breathe

[00:45:38] is that right yeah I hope you get the fucking help you need I know that's not gonna be

[00:45:42] necessarily everything's wonderful and rosy and happy no but I just hope you can get it

[00:45:47] and then give it a shot I hope I hope you have that opportunity if I was to be optimistic about

[00:45:52] things I'm not looking for roses coming out of my ass I'm looking for to be content with life

[00:45:58] just starting out with not wanting to end your life every day right I mean that would probably

[00:46:03] feel that alone weirdly to some who might be hearing this that alone would probably feel like a

[00:46:08] massive relief well and I've heard it on your show before it's like you know when you

[00:46:12] when you go to a facility most of the time you just tell them what they want to hear is they let

[00:46:16] you go yeah there there's hope coming out of that but at the same time it doesn't fix anything

[00:46:22] maybe it buys you another day but then what yeah then what right you want to share anything else

[00:46:29] no I mean there are some things I could say but might as well leave those doors closed I guess

[00:46:36] up to you it's been it's been 10 years of hell it's hard to it's hard to piece it all together

[00:46:41] especially when you drink as much as I sure but you have a saying it this is a collaborative

[00:46:44] thing if not for you and others I don't have a podcast I mean no one's tuning in to listen

[00:46:49] to me rant about shit I'd get through like two podcasts and have no listeners it's about you

[00:46:53] guys I don't do platitudes very well I will wish you well I will wish you well too and it was

[00:46:58] a pleasure to talk to you thank you I really appreciate that well um I hope your day doesn't

[00:47:03] suck whatever it looks like absolutely and thank you again you got my friend take care take care

[00:47:12] as always thanks so much for listening and all of your support and special thanks to Will

[00:47:17] up in Michigan thanks again Will if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk

[00:47:22] please reach out hello at SuicideNoted.com and to be safe SuicideNoted at gmail.com we've

[00:47:28] been having some issues with our emails that should be resolved soon and remember if you'd like to

[00:47:34] learn more about the show the podcast including our membership check out the show notes however

[00:47:40] you are involved however you are supporting these no bullshit conversations thank you and that is

[00:47:48] all for episode number two one two which is of course for many years New York City's area code

[00:47:56] but I digress stay strong do the best you can I'll talk to you soon