Voices from the Tour - Wild West

[00:00:00] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast and tour and other related projects, I talk with suicide attempt survivors and ideators so we can hear their stories. Every year around the world, millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it. We certainly don't talk about it enough, not nearly enough. And when we do talk about it, when we engage, and I see this all the time online and sometimes in person, for the most part, we suck at it.

[00:00:29] So one of my goals is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with survivors, in large part to help more people in more places feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. This is the last Thursday episode for a little while. It was the last and rather long leg of the national tour. Today you'll be hearing from some of our audience members after the conversations with our guest or guests occurred.

[00:00:52] We will start in Texas. We will skip Colorado, long story, head into Oregon, California and Arizona. That was our final stop. Again, as I have said, I thank everybody involved in this just for being so open and so supportive and so helpful. It was a wild, weird, interesting experience I will never forget. And look, we're still trying to make a documentary out of some of the material, so that is on the table. Look for that. At some point, of course, I'll be letting you know about that.

[00:01:21] If you want to learn more about the podcast, suicidenoted.com. If you have any questions, reach out to me. Of course, if you're a suicide attempt survivor or ideator and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Hello at suicidenotate.com. That's the easiest way. Real simple. I'll get back to you. You can also find me on social media. Finally, remember, whether it's the podcast or in person on a tour or wherever, we are talking about suicide. Not necessarily against suicide.

[00:01:48] Take that into account before you listen or as you listen. But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn. I hope you enjoy these brief conversations I had with our guests from these tour stops. What's your name? David. David, why did you come here today? To meet Sean, first thing. Mm-hmm.

[00:02:12] And to see what in the heck he was doing in this animal preservation place in Camp, Texas. Right. And what's your connection to suicide? Um, I had an attempt. It's been 20 years ago in October. Maybe it was November 1st. 20-year anniversary, I guess.

[00:02:40] But it means nothing. I don't care about that. Last question. What do you think is the most misunderstood thing about suicide or ideating or anything around that? It's hard to say. I think everything about it is misunderstood. There's no discussion of it. And it's just a hard thing for humanity to deal with. For sure. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. What's your name?

[00:03:10] Shelby Merrill. Shelby, why did you come here today? My friend Carla was one of the ones being interviewed. And she just asked me if I wasn't busy, if I could come and just, like, support her. She calls it we're each other's emotional support humans. Do you have any personal experience or connection to suicide? I have a cousin who is a former Marine. And he's had some time.

[00:03:37] He'll go through times where he's clearly kind of manic and struggling with PTSD. And so we get really concerned. And we have to track him down and things like that. But my only, like, experience, I did have a friend in high school. He went to a different school. We weren't incredibly close, but close enough that he was one of the ones that you were like, wait, he did what? Oh, he died. It was very unexpected. Yeah. Nobody, one of the happy people that you don't, you'd be like, what? Who? He was always so happy. Yeah. So, yeah.

[00:04:06] But my closest personal experience is my cousin who just, he'll go through waves of depression where he's just thinking the kids and his wife will be better if he's just kind of. So, that's really, and what I learned from my friend today that she was willing to share with me today. So, I'm happy to know that. But that's really all. Thanks. Yeah. What's your name? I'm Carla.

[00:04:34] Carla, why are you here today at this event? We were talking about mental illness and suicide and being survivors of that. What's your connection to suicide? I've had two attempts, and then I've gotten close other times. Pink and purple pill, final question. I forgot what you said. I think I would save it. Why?

[00:05:02] Because I'm not sure that I won't need it in the future. I just don't need it now. Wait, last question. Literally last question. Okay. What's the thing that comes to mind that you think is the most misunderstood about suicide or ideating? That it's a selfish thing to do. I think that people don't understand when you've reached that level of pain, that that's

[00:05:26] kind of the only way that people see out, that it's not entirely a selfish, thoughtless thing to do. People think of their families when they're doing these acts. It's just the pain is so unbearable. There's nothing else that you don't feel and there's no way out. So, yeah. Thanks again. What is your name? My name is Austin. Austin, why did you come to this event today?

[00:05:52] I wanted to let my story start to be heard by more people, potentially change other people's lives. What's your connection to suicide? I was, or I have been suicidal since I was 14 and I ideate on the daily. Never lost anyone? I have lost multiple people to suicide, a few friends, and I believe some family members.

[00:06:18] Last question is, what do you think is one of, or perhaps the most misunderstood thing about suicide or ideating? People feel like they can just see it or read it on people. It's something that can be very hidden, whether it's spoken about or not. Cool. And last question. I said that was the last question, but it's not. For some people, I'm asking the pink and purple pill. What would you do with the pill? The pink and purple pill, I would keep and I would save it.

[00:06:48] I wouldn't take it right away. I would change that. People would know whether or not it was a suicide. I would want that to be known. You would want it to be known that it is a suicide. Yes. Got it. Thanks, Ben. Thank you. What's your name? Nestor. Nestor, why did you come to the event at your home today? My husband and I wanted to host the event here at the farm today because we want it to be more of a conversation than a stigma. Awesome.

[00:07:17] And what's your connection to suicide? I'm a suicide survivor, I guess. I never really attempted, but I have thought about it. And I'm a huge supporter and a huge fundraiser for Suicide of North Texas. All right. And if you were to make a financial contribution to Suicide of North, would it be $10,000, $20,000, or $50,000? It depends. It depends on your mood. Thanks, man. Appreciate it. Of course. What's your name? Cesar. Cesar.

[00:07:48] Why did you come to this event at your home today? Like Nestor said, I think people need to talk about this. There's not enough spaces out there for people to feel safe, to share stories or past experiences. So I think it's important to be able to host the event here. I think it went really well. It went very well. Thank you. One more question is that other than Nestor, and obviously you know a lot about his life,

[00:08:16] do you have any other personal experiences with suicide? Yeah. Nestor stepped out and committed suicide in 2022. Oh. So it was really shocking news to get because I knew the guy for over like 20 years. And, you know, like his brother also died of suicide when he was a kid.

[00:08:41] So, you know, it's very moving to know that that's the way that he decided to go. But I respect that completely. Fair. Thanks for hosting, co-hosting. You guys were great. Thank you. Yeah. What's your name? I'm Meg. Meg, why did you come here today? Because my best friends were hosting your podcast. Right. And do you have any personal connection to suicide? Yes. I've had friends that have unalived themselves. Oh, did you just say unalived?

[00:09:11] Okay. And yeah, and I have my own struggles and my children have had their struggles. What do you think is one of the more misunderstood things about the struggle? That it's a smaller problem than it actually is. What do you mean? I think that I don't, I think it affects more people than the numbers would ever indicate. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Well, thanks. Yeah. Quick and easy. Yeah. Bye. Bye.

[00:09:38] That was Kemp, Texas, not too far outside of Dallas. You could probably hear some of the animals making the animal sounds because it was an animal sanctuary. It also had some cool human sounds too. Now we head to Oregon. What's your name? Elizabeth. Elizabeth, why did you come this evening? Um, because I wanted to hear this conversation.

[00:10:04] I just, these experiences where people are talking about really hard things are worth traveling for. Wait, you came from somewhere else? Yeah, I live on the east side of these mountains. Oh, is it the east side of these mountains? Where are we, the west? So you came from there. I came from Washington State. Oh, okay. And what's your connection to this topic, which is suicide? It's something that is, um, far too often on my mind.

[00:10:31] I struggle with, there are very few people that I can talk to about it. And I've even been like on the other side, officially advocating, working for mental health issues, people that struggle trying to come up with resources. Meanwhile, I myself struggle. Well, thank you. What's your name? Allie. Allie, why did you come tonight?

[00:10:55] Um, I came because I am interested in mental health and I have a history with depression and anxiety. And, um, my husband also has an interesting mental health history as well. And I think this is a topic that's really important to talk about. And everybody's always so hush-hush about it. And I think that the more people talk about the issues and struggles that lots and lots of people face, the better we all are.

[00:11:24] I was going to ask you a connection to suicide, but I think you shared it. Yeah. Anything else you want to share? No. Thank you for being here and thank you for doing what you're doing. Thank you. It's special. Thanks. Your name? Justin. Justin, why did you come this evening? Uh, just trying to help occupy the space between. Wait, what do you mean? It's a space between what happens when somebody doesn't know what the outcome will be and they just fill that space with temporary painful solutions. Huh.

[00:11:53] What's your connection to suicide? Uh, family, myself, uh, suicidal ideations, couple attempts. Uh, it's just traveled through with me and in me for my whole life. And that's, that's, uh, the space between. So, so I'm going to be there for somebody else and learn how to be better. Stealing my line. Uh-huh. Well, thanks for being here, man. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. Got it. What's your name? Kristen. Kristen. Kristen.

[00:12:21] I know you're part of the event space, but why else did you come tonight? To hear what my friend Alyssa had to say. And I have not heard it talked about like this before, and I wanted to be part of the conversation. What's your connection to suicide? I, how is this going to be used? I'll get permission before, but I'm, I'm. Billboards and movies.

[00:12:51] Well, Brad, um, Angelina, Julie is playing you. Uh, we're trying to make something after and piece it together. So, I don't know. Do you want to answer that or no? Does that feel weird? It's something that I've grown up having normalized. Mm-hmm. Hearing my dad say that he would make it look like an accident.

[00:13:18] And I saw him struggle with depression. I've struggled with depression. I attempted the first time at seven. I tried to hang myself with a belt in my closet and cried when the belt broke because I thought I would get in trouble for breaking my only belt. But it's something that has always been an option of escape in my consciousness when things are too hard or overwhelming with life.

[00:13:48] And I just want to be done. Hmm. Thank you. Live from Oregon. Now, you got to remember, we went from Texas, went through Colorado up into Oregon. That's a lot of driving. Really cool, beautiful places. But thank you to everyone in those places. And now we head south, way down south to San Diego, California. What's your name? My name is Rayo. Rayo. This is interesting. Why did you come tonight?

[00:14:17] I was literally like here at Cava and I fell asleep. And then I woke up. And then next thing you know, I'm in the middle of a suicide prevention meeting. Is it prevention? Or what? Suicide awareness. Okay. There's no prevention. It's just awareness. Sure. And you stayed? And I stayed and it was an epic podcast. Do you? What's your connection to suicide? Oh, man. I've been through it in my 20s. Yeah. Like I've been close.

[00:14:47] I haven't actually attempted. But multiple times I've like been through the ringer. Yeah. I'm saying so. Yeah. What else do you want to share, if anything? I'll just say that I'm 33 years old now. I'm in a better place now. And I think that I am following my dreams every day of being a social media influencer, being a skateboarder, being a philosopher, being an educator.

[00:15:17] And I want to do a lot of good in the world. So, you know. And I've also been vegan for 10 years. Hello. All right. All right. And let me just show off one last month. Okay. This is getting awkward. Okay. Thanks, man. Sorry. No, you're good. And our final leg, our final tour stop heading east into Tucson, Arizona. What's your name? My name's Susan. Hi, Susan. Why did you come here today? I came with my friend, Mary Jo, and I'm interested in people.

[00:15:46] And I think overall the aerial view is that we're really not much different from each other. So, we come from different spectrums and different layers of tolerance and whatnot. So, I was interested to hear what people had to say here. What, if anything, is your connection to suicide? We all have had those thoughts.

[00:16:11] It just depends on, you know, how vulnerable we are and how we grow through it. So, have I had them? Oh, my goodness. I would say that they probably were never serious. But, yeah, I think that we're in good company. My final question on the final event of this tour is a question I haven't asked before. If you had to give this event zero to five stars, how many would you give? And you better answer right.

[00:16:40] I would absolutely say five because awareness is the first step to acceptance and then to action. So, thank you so much for doing this for all of us. Thank you. What's your name? Mary Jo. Speak up a little bit. Mary Jo. Mary Jo, why did you come here today? To listen to your words of wisdom. And? To be a supportive person to my friend.

[00:17:11] Okay. Wait, what is your connection, if any, to suicide? When I was a teenager, I tried to jump off the roof of the house headfirst to my parents' dismay. And I do believe I took a whole lot of pills. But most of them were vitamins. Wait, what about in your life? I got really sick and I don't like to take vitamins anymore.

[00:17:38] What about since you were a kid, have you ever thought about this kind of thing personally? Probably. I can't think of a specific instance, but I'm sure there are the ones. Thank you. And that is all. And it is fitting that we ended with MJ in Arizona, who let me stay at her place for a few weeks while I was figuring things out. And I'm probably not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So thanks, MJ.

[00:18:05] Thanks to everybody who was part of those tour stops, who were in the audience, who spoke with me afterwards. I really appreciate it. Again, this is likely the final Thursday episode for a little while anyway, while I work on staying alive. However, if you are a suicide attempt survivor or ideator and you'd like to talk, please reach out. It's real simple. I'd love to talk with you. Hello at suicidenoted.com.

[00:18:31] If you want to help us out even more, you can rate us on Apple or answer our poll question on Spotify. Or just keep listening. That's more than enough. And that is all. Stay strong. Do the best you can. I'll talk to you soon. Bye.