Voices from the Tour - Northeast

[00:00:00] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast I talk with suicide attempt survivors and ideators so that we can hear their stories. Every year around the world millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it. We certainly don't talk about it enough and when we do talk about it, when we engage with people in any kind of pain, most of us are really not good at it.

[00:00:23] So one of my goals with this podcast and some other related projects is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with survivors in large part to help more people in more places, hopefully feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. Now if you are a suicide attempt survivor or ideator and you'd like to talk, I'd love to talk with you, please reach out, real simple, hello at suicidenoted.com.

[00:00:45] One of those other projects I mentioned was the tour and today you are going to hear from some of the people that attended two of our tour events in New York City and in Massachusetts, Gardner to be exact. This isn't the actual conversation I had with my past guests, but conversations, short conversations I had with some people, audience members and sometimes the guests themselves after the event.

[00:01:09] Unfortunately, I didn't get much media in New York, so there's no photos, there's no video, but we got this. Then of course the memories of the event itself, which was great, took place in this big church, we all sat in a circle. With Massachusetts, I've got some more stuff that I'll be putting out at some point soon, but again, that was also a really cool event. I had a cool space on Main Street. Both audiences were great, lively conversations, I appreciate the guests and of course the conversations I was going to have after, which you are going to hear right now.

[00:01:38] As always, remember, we're talking about suicide on this podcast. My guests and in this case, my audience, we don't hold back, so please take that into account before you listen or as you listen, but I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn. The audio quality is not the best, but it's good enough and I hope you enjoy these conversations. My name is David. Why did you come here this evening, David?

[00:02:04] Because I did the podcast with Sean, after sitting with it for a little while, I wanted to keep the conversation going. What's your connection to suicide? I've had a suicide attempt when I was in my early 20s and I've had some other forms of ideation and something that seems to pop up about every 10 years or so and I go through really tough times.

[00:02:27] What is one thing that you think people, generally speaking, really misunderstand about suicide or attempt survivors or attempting? I think people misunderstand how deep the pain is that we want to end. It's not that we want to end our lives. It's that we're going through something that is just simply so painful for us.

[00:02:55] And I speak for myself as when I've been going through that, my emotional pain is something that hurts so badly. I just don't. I will die to make that pain stop because that pain becomes the only thing I feel. And when the only thing you feel is pain, that is when your life becomes less valuable to you. What else do you want to share?

[00:03:23] I'd like to share that I would just like for people to get a little bit more empathy as to, we all have things that are easy for us and things that are hard for us. And simply because people who struggle with suicidal ideation, that might be the hardest thing for us. It doesn't mean that there aren't other things. I can go to work for 12 hours, an hour commute on either side, and then go for a 12 or 14 mile run. And a lot of people would say, that's too hard.

[00:03:53] I can't do that. That sounds actually like it's painful. And then it's like, well, yeah, for a lot of people it is. But for me, that's easy. That's a pain I can manage. Managing certain types of emotional pain is much more difficult for me because everybody's different. Got it. Thanks, man. Yeah, thank you. What's your name? My name is Julio. Julio, why did you come here this evening? I've been through a lot of pain in my life. And, you know, I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy.

[00:04:22] And I know what it's like to feel hopeless and helpless. And if I can help just one person by speaking out, then that's what I want to do. What's your connection to suicide? I've had two attempts in my life, one in my 20s and one in my 40s. What keeps me around now is my daughter. It should work for her. I think I would have gone through with it at some point. It's something I think about a lot still.

[00:04:52] But I know it's not an option for me anymore because of her. So when I realized that, it was kind of a sad moment in my life because I knew that boat was closed. And I was kind of stuck here. So that was kind of hard to deal with. But I'm here, so I've got to be the best dad that I can. Last question.

[00:05:16] What is one thing that you think, in your experience, people really misunderstand about people who are in this kind of pain? That they're only thinking about themselves. That it's possible to think outside of that pain box when you're in it. Because it's really not possible when you're not thinking rationally. And to judge someone for that is, I mean, I understand it.

[00:05:41] But if you're in the situation, you know that it's impossible to think of someone else's feelings sometimes when you're in the darkest place. Thanks, man. What's your name? My name's Edward. Edward, why did you come here this evening?

[00:05:57] I came here to support this show, this podcast, and to sort of experience this conversation face-to-face. Because this is a conversation that needs to be had. And I think this show does, you know, even if it's just a little bit, this show helps. Cool. And what's your connection to suicide or?

[00:06:27] Things like that in your suicide, yeah. I've attempted a few times. And right now I'm 30. So basically, this has been something I've been dealing with literally half my life at this point. You should join me on podcast sometime. Reach out if you want. That's as you. I've thought about it. I've thought about it before. Yeah. If and when you're ready, right? Thanks, man. What is your name? Jeffrey Ream.

[00:06:55] Jeffrey, why did you come here this evening to this event? I have been intellectually interested in suicide since I was 10, actually. Reading a magazine article about it in the pediatrician's waiting room. And then I went on to be an academic. And now I study LGBT issues with suicide. So what's your, if any, personal connection to it beyond the academic? Personal collection.

[00:07:22] Interestingly, after doing research, I did end up losing a friend and two friends of friends to suicide. And it really gave me a different perspective. It's like, in one way, all this expertise equipped me to know a lot about what to say and what to do and how to react.

[00:07:44] Another way I got to see, like, a lot of the expertise is, um, there's a lot we just don't know and aren't thinking about. And the whole area's kind of got blinders on. And so I'm interested in this work because it's got certain blinders off that aren't there, um, that are there in my field.

[00:08:07] And so I'm looking forward to listening to more of the podcast and seeing more of, um, what's going on in this work. Because, yeah, nobody else is doing this, as far as I can tell. And it's very interesting work. Thanks, ma'am. What is your name? My name is Kate. Kate, why did you come here this evening? Uh, well, I came partly because I had to open the building.

[00:08:34] But also, I mean, I just think it's really important to speak out about suicide and related issues because I feel like silence kills people. What's your connection to suicide? I'm both an attempt survivor and a loss survivor. And I'm also someone who works in the field. So I have clients who've passed from suicide and I have clients who have struggled with the thoughts.

[00:08:59] One more question is, what do you think is one of, if not the most misunderstood thing about suicide or suicidality that you run into? Well, I think the idea that suicide, like just the mention of suicide or thoughts about suicide are, you know, a, like, five alarm emergency and you have to, like, rush around and call the authorities and all this.

[00:09:22] I think it would be nice if we had different words that would describe different states of suicidality. Like, you know, because right now we just have suicidal and that can mean anything from, like, waking up in the morning and being like, damn, I wish I wasn't here to, like, being about to jump off a bridge. And that's a lot of different things. And so if we had different words for those, then maybe people could, you know, like, remain calm at the earlier stages, you know? Agreed. Thanks. Sure.

[00:09:52] So there you have it. That was New York City, the Big Apple, my home, my heart. I miss it so much. Next up, suburban Boston or outer suburban Boston, Massachusetts. Let's hear from them. What's your name? Mark Haley. Mark, why did you come today? My son, John, passed away. So that's your connection to suicide? Yes. Hmm. This is, I've never had this situation. No, no, but I'm curious why, what about this event attracted you, for lack of a better word, to this?

[00:10:21] Because it isn't really a law survivor conversation, but it, of course, connects somewhat. Why did you come? Just to learn more about how to cope with it and how to help people with suicide. Wow. I appreciate you being here. Thank you. Perfect. What's your name? My name is Charlotte. Charlotte, why did you come here today? I came here to support my friend, Sean, and to do with him. About? About suicide. What's your connection to suicide? I'm a suicide attempt survivor.

[00:10:50] You are very clear and explicit and right to the point, right? Yes, I am. What's the biggest myth you'd like to dispel about suicide? That it's weak. If I gave you a clinking purple pill, what would you do with it? I would give it back to you. Thanks for being here. Thank you. Okay, what's your name? Alex Wheatley. Alex, why did you come here this afternoon? I came here because of the meeting. Why did you, this kind of meeting?

[00:11:16] Because when I was younger, not that much younger, I attempted a suicide multiple times, and one of my friends killed himself over suicide. Hmm. So that's your connection, obviously, to suicide. What do you think is the biggest thing people don't understand about people who are suffering like that?

[00:11:39] I feel that it's more of the fact that they don't know how to talk to each other about it. It's one of those things that's a stigma. They feel like it's kind of like a scared thing to talk about because they don't want people to keep doing it. So when you say that, you mean the people who could help people by talking with them? They don't do it because of the stigma? Because of the stigma and they don't want to give them ideas of how to keep going about it. Hmm.

[00:12:09] But there's things that they should be able to do. They should be able to talk about it because it makes everything a little bit better. Remember the pink and purple pill question? Yes. So a painless, easy, well, painless death. Yeah. Nobody knows it's a suicide. I'm talking to you today on a Sunday in Gardner, Massachusetts. What would you do if I gave you that pill? I would get rid of it. Why? I would feel like because I've already tried that I don't need to.

[00:12:37] Even though there's a bunch of shit and stuff that's not good in my life, I can go through it and figure out how to go about it better. I don't need to die because of certain situations. Perfect. Yeah. Thanks for being here. Thank you. What's your name? Tio Sanders II. Tio, why'd you come here today? To support you, Sean, but also have a personal connection to suicide through friends and family members. That I tried?

[00:13:07] That I tried. And succeeded? For that, no better. No, I count myself fortunate but also fearful in knowing that they, no, I'm successful, but I'm worried. What is it like for somebody who has people they're close to, who have tried to take their lives? And then you're listening to people who have also tried and in this case, like them, they're alive. Yeah.

[00:13:32] I mean, I think part of what I, I had an experience recently, maybe a year and a half ago with a close friend who was recently, he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He'd gone through a really tough journey. He'd gone through a really traumatic relationship. And I was trying to balance out his medication, which didn't always work well. And I think we just spent a weekend together in Vermont. And he told me later that that weekend was really might've saved his life.

[00:14:01] And I think in hearing that and hearing the conversations today, I think the, what I want to do for, for my family members, my sister still struggles with depression. I have a niece now who's struggling is to learn how to be that prevention through space more than anything else. Cause I didn't tell him in that moment, but I connected him, tried to connect as best as I could with my, my own experiences, more than anything, just show him that he's a friend that I love. And goddamn, I'd miss him if he, if he died, um, if anything happened.

[00:14:29] So try to learn a little bit more about that. Thanks for being here. Yeah, I appreciate it, Sean. Thanks. What is your name? TJ Sweeney. TJ, why did you come today? I work in the field of suicide prevention and addiction, uh, and recovery. Um, and I think there's a big overlap, um, in those two worlds where I spend a lot of my work time. Um, I also have lost, uh, my nephew and two dear friends by suicide.

[00:14:55] And I think we really have to change the way the culture regards suicide. And we need to push past the silence and the stigma and the shame and meet it with compassion and candor and courage until we can shift the culture enough so that my suicidal crisis is seen as a measles outbreak. Hey, look, you got some spots on your chin, kid. I care about new. Let's go have that looked at. Right.

[00:15:24] Instead of there might be something wrong with him, but it might be. And freaking out, which is the name of your podcast. The name of my podcast. I don't know what we're doing with these videos, but what's the name of your podcast? S word, the podcast. What's the tagline or brief description? Um, it's, uh, people with lived experience and people, content area experts talking about converse, uh, suicide. The four episodes that we have recorded.

[00:15:51] The four episodes that we have recorded thus far are helpful and hopeful, not morbid, not dark, not in any way difficult to listen to. And I've just really been encouraged at people's willingness to open up and talk about something that you really need to talk about. One last thing. Uh, actually two things. S word was a movie documentary. Make sure you don't have any copyright issues. I won't include that. Don't worry. Um, they might sue your ass. Uh, they probably have no money either. Because he does with this stuff. Um, I'm going to ask you a, perhaps a, a, unexpected question.

[00:16:21] Okay. The pink and purple pill question, which is take the pill, go to sleep, don't pain, don't wake up. What do you do with it today? Today. Today. I have to say, I can see how that device might help me postpone a desperate act, knowing that I might always have it to rely upon, should things really go to shit.

[00:16:48] Um, and I can see the, the practicality of having such a device as an option that would keep me from needing to use such a device. Ironically, yes. Perhaps, yes. Um, and, and I really, I really appreciate that question. And I reserve the right to steal it because, you know, people in the podcast world do that stuff. People are going to be pissed at you because that's my shit, but that's cool. Thanks, man. Appreciate it.

[00:17:17] As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support. Special thanks to everybody who came out in New York and Massachusetts. Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it. If you are a suicide attempt survivor or ideator and you'd like to talk, I'd love to talk with you. Please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com. I legitimately hope your day does not suck. And that is all for this week's episode. Stay strong. Do the best you can. I'll talk to you soon.