Polly in England 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

[00:00:00] I was actually listening to your podcast when I was suicidal and I always said to myself,

[00:00:05] if I'm gonna get better, I would love to talk on the podcast and here I am.

[00:00:30] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted.

[00:00:36] On this podcast I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories.

[00:00:42] Every year around the world millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost

[00:00:45] never talk about it.

[00:00:46] We certainly don't talk about it enough and when we do talk about it, many of us,

[00:00:50] including me are not very good at it.

[00:00:53] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better

[00:00:57] conversations with attempt survivors.

[00:00:58] Why?

[00:00:59] Because it's a part, in large part, to help more people in more places feel a little less

[00:01:03] shitty and a little less alone.

[00:01:06] And if you have been a part of that, however that looks like, thank you.

[00:01:11] Now if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk please reach out.

[00:01:15] Hello at SuicideNoted.com on Facebook or Twitter slash X at Suicide Noted.

[00:01:21] You can check the show notes to learn more about the podcast including our membership.

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[00:01:55] To all of my former guests who have joined me here on the podcast, let me know if you'd

[00:02:00] like to be a part of something we're trying to do soon which is guest updates.

[00:02:04] I want to know what you're up to, how you've been, what life is like.

[00:02:08] If you're not a former guest and don't plan on being a guest, I'd still love to

[00:02:12] hear your thoughts, your comments, your questions.

[00:02:15] And if you ask a question or two, I would love to invite our members.

[00:02:20] I plan to release some special episodes in which members answer your questions and of

[00:02:25] course I'll be a part of that.

[00:02:27] And also if you just want to share a little bit, email me.

[00:02:30] I'm happy to read that on the air.

[00:02:32] We can do that anonymously but hey that's another way to get it out there.

[00:02:37] Share your voice even if in some small way and yeah it'll help people.

[00:02:41] So that's also an option.

[00:02:43] You know how to reach me so please I encourage you to do that.

[00:02:47] Finally we are talking about suicide on this podcast.

[00:02:50] We don't hold back so please take that into account before you listen or as you listen

[00:02:55] but I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn.

[00:02:59] Today I am talking with Polly.

[00:03:01] Polly lives in England and she is a suicide attempt survivor.

[00:03:06] Hey Polly.

[00:03:08] Hi.

[00:03:10] So Polly's in England late afternoon, early evening there.

[00:03:14] Where exactly are you in your home?

[00:03:16] My mom's bedroom.

[00:03:17] Does your mom know that you're talking to me?

[00:03:19] Yes she does.

[00:03:20] My bedroom is at the front of the house and there's cars that come past so I didn't want

[00:03:24] to make noise and she said I'll just go in my bedroom.

[00:03:26] So go in my bedroom and talk to a stranger about suicide?

[00:03:29] Yeah pretty much.

[00:03:30] She said yeah I think you should do it.

[00:03:32] I think it'll be good for you.

[00:03:33] I like your mom.

[00:03:34] Yeah she's great.

[00:03:35] She's really great.

[00:03:36] Do you hang out with your dad?

[00:03:37] Yeah my mom and dad are together.

[00:03:39] My dad just he works a lot but again he doesn't actually know.

[00:03:42] I don't think he knows that I'm talking.

[00:03:44] It's not a secret but I just haven't got around to telling him but I'm sure I will.

[00:03:49] That's cool.

[00:03:50] One wonders Polly in England why in the world you would want to talk to anybody about such

[00:03:56] a thing let alone somebody you don't know.

[00:03:59] Actually that aside you do kind of know me through the podcast.

[00:04:02] You've heard at least.

[00:04:03] Yeah.

[00:04:04] But then share things with the world about something that I think most humans would

[00:04:06] say is exceptionally personal.

[00:04:09] I think because this is something that I had never experienced before prior to me going

[00:04:15] through this recently and now I've come out of the other side of it my view on it is if

[00:04:21] I'm going to make something out of the situation that I went through then perhaps I can put

[00:04:26] it to good use by speaking about it on a platform like this that maybe people might

[00:04:32] look up for answers or for help.

[00:04:34] That's what I did.

[00:04:36] I thought if I can help someone even just one person going through it by sharing my experience

[00:04:42] then I'm all for it.

[00:04:43] For sure cool.

[00:04:44] Thank you then.

[00:04:45] Thank you.

[00:04:46] Thank you for having me.

[00:04:47] Of course.

[00:04:48] So you're not the person then who was struggling in that kind of way since you were like

[00:04:53] 10 years old?

[00:04:54] No.

[00:04:55] Not from what I can remember.

[00:04:56] I was always a very happy kid.

[00:04:58] Had a very good childhood.

[00:05:01] Happy go lucky we say here.

[00:05:02] Yeah.

[00:05:03] That's what my mum used to say to me all the time.

[00:05:05] You're so happy go lucky.

[00:05:07] When you were little happy go lucky Polly.

[00:05:09] Yeah.

[00:05:10] Polly go lucky.

[00:05:11] Yeah.

[00:05:12] And what part of England are you in?

[00:05:13] I'm in a town called Sidcart.

[00:05:15] Sidcart?

[00:05:16] And yeah and I think it was actually James Corden said it was the armpit of Britain.

[00:05:22] I never liked him to be honest.

[00:05:24] I don't care.

[00:05:25] We're close to an airport.

[00:05:26] We're close enough to the beach.

[00:05:28] We're close enough to the countryside and close enough to get into London's.

[00:05:32] There's not much going on.

[00:05:33] It's quite built up.

[00:05:35] Just loads of new houses, new developments being built all the time so.

[00:05:39] What's the predominant football slash soccer club people pull for there?

[00:05:43] Well my family support Arsenal but you've got like Millwall, Manchester United, Manchester

[00:05:51] City.

[00:05:52] I'm not really into football.

[00:05:53] I watch the World Cup part.

[00:05:55] I don't really support a football team if I'm honest.

[00:05:58] Okay.

[00:05:59] I've got a good football club, soccer club men and women you know and World Cup coming in

[00:06:04] North American 2026.

[00:06:05] I don't know.

[00:06:06] I didn't know that.

[00:06:07] You think it'll be allowed to see that?

[00:06:09] Yeah.

[00:06:10] You call me your god then.

[00:06:11] Yeah.

[00:06:12] Why are you asking that?

[00:06:13] Oh yeah because I'm talking about suicide.

[00:06:15] I wish you could have asked that.

[00:06:17] A little bit of a curve ball as we say in baseball terms.

[00:06:20] We're not only talking about suicide of course but that is the premise of this

[00:06:24] show.

[00:06:25] How old are you Polly?

[00:06:26] I'm 23.

[00:06:27] 23 year old Polly in England.

[00:06:30] You mentioned before I started recording that you have a sister, does she know we're talking?

[00:06:36] No.

[00:06:37] Do you know what?

[00:06:38] I haven't actually told her.

[00:06:39] Again it's not a secret.

[00:06:40] She doesn't live at home so she moved out so I haven't but saying that I saw her yesterday

[00:06:45] but no I just didn't tell her.

[00:06:47] I will tell her probably eventually but.

[00:06:50] Does your mom dad and or sister know about your attempt?

[00:06:53] Yeah they're all aware.

[00:06:55] How would you characterize how each one of them responded when they learned that you had

[00:06:58] tried?

[00:06:59] Well my mom was at home when it happened.

[00:07:04] I took an overdose at night and then wasn't obviously expecting to wake up the next morning

[00:07:11] but I did and I kind of forgotten that I don't know it's very hazy, I was very

[00:07:15] drowsy, I kind of didn't really know where I was and I went to go to the toilet.

[00:07:20] I had also downed half a bottle of vodka with it so I was very all over the place and

[00:07:26] my mom come up the stairs to offer me a cup of tea and as she come up the stairs I just

[00:07:31] collapsed so she was the one that actually found me and then obviously was like what

[00:07:36] have you done and I was just really drowsy and out of it and I didn't want to tell

[00:07:41] her what I'd done because I thought if I told her then the ambulance would come

[00:07:45] and then it wouldn't have worked even though it obviously didn't work anyway but I just

[00:07:50] flopped on the bed and then my sister's a nurse so she rang my sister so my sister

[00:07:55] come, my sister was on her way to work, she drove straight over then my mom rang my dad,

[00:08:00] my dad drove straight over.

[00:08:01] Yeah there was all there and then the ambulance came in and yeah I was putting like monitors

[00:08:07] on my heart and stuff and I got taken away in an ambulance but it was that day very

[00:08:13] early I was really out, I was hallucinating it was really weird so I was on, I got put

[00:08:19] on antidepressants and I was put on satalapram and they didn't help at all and I don't know

[00:08:26] if they actually, I know they say it can make you worse in the beginning but I literally

[00:08:31] wasn't feeling any better I wasn't sleeping or anything so I was having auditory hallucinations

[00:08:39] not so much hearing people talk but I would hear music in the distance that wasn't there

[00:08:43] I'd hear like robotic sounds like when I remember I was laying in the hospital bed and all I

[00:08:49] could hear was like all the robotic like music that wasn't even there and people were trying

[00:08:55] to talk to me and I was just so focused on this music like why am I hearing music

[00:08:58] in a hospital and yeah I was just so out of it that day that it is quite blurry

[00:09:04] because I was suffering with depression and I was having really bad anxiety I wasn't

[00:09:08] sleeping at all I'd stay awake all night awake and I would buzzing like with really bad anxiety

[00:09:14] and I'd keep going into my mum's room and going can you hear that music because I was

[00:09:18] really paranoid she was like Polly there's no music it sounded that I'd hear like songs

[00:09:22] on a loop thinking that someone's having a party down the road my mum's like Polly

[00:09:25] I promise you there's nothing and I'm like mum I can hear music like it was really

[00:09:29] scary I thought I was losing my mind and then the not sleeping thing which yeah

[00:09:33] it was I mean the not sleeping I think caused that because it makes you go a

[00:09:37] bit delirious I think all your senses are out of work and wasn't eating I wasn't

[00:09:41] sleeping I wasn't going out was an exercise and I wasn't doing anything

[00:09:45] Did you have a job that you lost?

[00:09:47] It kind of all started from this job and this is kind of where it all went down

[00:09:51] here so I was originally working for I was a mortgage advisor so I'd qualified

[00:09:57] as a mortgage advisor I was doing that I did that for about five years when I

[00:10:01] was 16 I went straight to this job

[00:10:03] Wow

[00:10:04] Yeah and then was an administrator for a little bit and then decided I want to

[00:10:10] do my qualification to be able to do mortgage advisory so I did that and

[00:10:16] then I was into my baking a little bit and I thought oh do you know what I

[00:10:21] want to go and do something else a bit more creative so I left that job and

[00:10:26] went to culinary school

[00:10:27] Okay

[00:10:28] and I trained to be a pastry chef

[00:10:31] Seriously this is sounding really delicious

[00:10:34] I mean at this time I was on cloud nine culinary school was amazing it was so

[00:10:39] fun and so this we're talking I did this at the end of 2021 in London it was

[00:10:44] Le Cordon Bleu culinary school

[00:10:46] That sounds like a culinary school that I would go to

[00:10:49] It was honestly it was amazing that no negatives from that I had no bad

[00:10:54] mental health from that

[00:10:55] Yeah

[00:10:55] that was so fun

[00:10:57] It was kind of like my gap year I formed want to go off and do something fun so

[00:11:02] I did that for nine months because I'd literally left school went straight into

[00:11:06] work for five years at the same pace and I thought you know what I've got the

[00:11:09] money saved in the bank my mum and dad helped me out with the tuition fee as

[00:11:13] well and I said look I really want to go in try and see if you know this

[00:11:18] is something that I want to do and culinary school was great couldn't

[00:11:21] fault it had the best time it was so fun I learned so much so I graduated from

[00:11:25] there June 2022 so so from that point when you finish a year later you try to

[00:11:31] take your life yeah so I then graduated then at the end of graduation if you

[00:11:36] pay an extra fee the school will enroll you in a place for an internship for

[00:11:42] three months so I then I opted for that and I went and did a internship in

[00:11:48] a hotel in London and so I did that for three months really enjoyed it they

[00:11:54] offered me a place there to work and I was up yeah do you know what I'll do it

[00:11:59] so this was then three months later so he's in September working in a

[00:12:03] kitchen it is a very toxic environment and it's not necessarily that there's

[00:12:09] constant shouting and stuff it's a little bit different in a pastry kitchen

[00:12:13] because we were doing our afternoon tea stuff so we were just decorating all

[00:12:18] the cakes weren't doing service all the time let's just say my manager if you

[00:12:24] want to say wasn't a very good manager and we worked every weekend every

[00:12:32] holiday I never knew what days off I was gonna have they changed every single

[00:12:36] week so I could never make plans in advance very early starts from very

[00:12:40] late nights commuting into London which took me over an hour I really was

[00:12:45] trying to push myself to do it because I really thought well I've you know I've

[00:12:49] studied now and I've got this qualification I left my good job to do

[00:12:53] this you know I've really gone all in yeah and I think so I accepted the job

[00:12:58] to start well carry on in September I noticed at that point but I just

[00:13:04] suppressed it a lot that I was actually getting quite unwell mentally my skin

[00:13:11] getting really bad I mean I have acne here and there but it was completely

[00:13:16] really bad acne I had no energy I had no social life I didn't see my friends

[00:13:23] anymore because I didn't have time but I kept convincing myself that that was

[00:13:27] okay this is life now you know this is your career and but I never got to

[00:13:31] spend time with my family I worked on Christmas all the holidays and I

[00:13:36] think I just kept telling myself well no this is it now you just got to accept

[00:13:39] it yeah the environment was quite toxic and I think yeah I was lying to myself

[00:13:43] for quite a long time that this was okay when it obviously wasn't well my family

[00:13:49] started to pick up on it in December I went on holiday with my mum we just

[00:13:54] went for a little trip away and the whole time I was on edge I couldn't

[00:14:01] just lay down and some babe she was up probably just sit down I just just

[00:14:04] calm down I was anxious about things I've done at work that people are gonna

[00:14:09] be annoyed at something I've done making up stories in my head that oh this has

[00:14:12] happened at work I'm gonna get told off and and chef won't let me have these

[00:14:16] days off or he's ignoring my messages I want to go back on early shift because

[00:14:21] I've been put on late shift and promised I was gonna be put back on early shift

[00:14:23] and then he basically backtracked and said I couldn't so all my plans were

[00:14:28] messed up I was having anxiety tax every day on that holiday I was even

[00:14:33] given my mum anxiety because she didn't know what to do with me and let's

[00:14:36] just say it wasn't a holiday it was just we couldn't like to come home because I

[00:14:41] think where I was working every day every day then as soon as I had that

[00:14:45] break for a few days off it wasn't I couldn't switch off it was constant

[00:14:50] fight or flight in me that just just wouldn't go away no matter where I

[00:14:54] was even out of the kitchen it was always there so we come back from

[00:14:58] holiday but still I did nothing about it I stayed in the job I just

[00:15:02] accepted it and carried on for three four more months I think so then it got

[00:15:08] round to about April I thought okay I want to lose this job now I've had enough

[00:15:12] I need to do a job maybe where I've got my weekends back where I'm closer to

[00:15:17] home still thinking in my head yeah I'll still do pastry even though I

[00:15:22] really was not enjoying it anymore I felt like I never got any praise from

[00:15:27] my superiors even though I thought I tried really hard to do stuff just yeah

[00:15:31] just a really toxic not nice environment people being off with each other and

[00:15:35] yeah not a nice environment and I never had a kind of like some way to just go

[00:15:40] and de-stress because I'd come home get in bed at nine o'clock and then I got

[00:15:46] me back up again at five o'clock the next morning to do it all again and

[00:15:49] I feel like I just never had an off switch this is building up for a very

[00:15:53] long time and then so yeah I said I want to leave so I was starting

[00:15:57] looking for other jobs I found this job bit close to home that had weekends off

[00:16:01] and I thought do you know that's perfect and in my head I told myself all my

[00:16:05] problems gonna go away that's gonna solve all my issues this is the problem I

[00:16:09] haven't got my weekends it was so much deeper than I didn't even realize how

[00:16:14] bad it was are you at this point if you can recall like I'd eat ideating

[00:16:20] at all or is that like not not at all I had a holiday book from the year

[00:16:25] prior to Mexico with one of my best friends what should have been a really

[00:16:31] exciting holiday which I was looking forward to prior but coming up to it

[00:16:35] I was just saying just because of the previous holiday I had with my mom my

[00:16:39] skin was still really bad and I just thought I don't want it to be a repeat

[00:16:42] of that because that wasn't a holiday just before I went on holiday I had

[00:16:46] an interview at a place I went for the interview I was not even feeling the

[00:16:50] interview I knew deep down I didn't really want to work there but I just

[00:16:55] needed to get out of the place that I was working in so they liked me at the

[00:16:59] interview and they said okay when you're back from your trip you'll come in and

[00:17:02] you'll do a trial shift I said okay that's fine went on holiday to Mexico

[00:17:06] didn't have a great time it wasn't a bad time because I went with my best

[00:17:11] friend and she's suffered with anxiety before and she understands one another

[00:17:16] level and I can't talk to her about anything so I know that it wasn't

[00:17:20] going to be that I had to keep it from her but let's just say this is when I

[00:17:23] noticed that I was having really negative cycles of thinking

[00:17:28] constant negative thoughts about my appearance about the things that have

[00:17:32] happened in the past worries about the future that I couldn't seem to get out

[00:17:37] of and I thought where is this all coming from and it was constant I

[00:17:41] could be in the swimming pool and it's going it's ticking we weren't on a

[00:17:45] trip where we were driving quad bikes and I'm the one driving the whole time

[00:17:50] I'm in my head thinking all these negative thoughts not once on that holiday

[00:17:55] did I have a break from my thinking I was on edge the whole time I can't say

[00:17:59] that didn't enjoy it because some of it I did but it wasn't the

[00:18:03] circumstances it was how I was feeling inside the holiday itself was great

[00:18:07] even though you didn't talk a lot to your friend about it I did a little

[00:18:11] bit but I think that I didn't want to put a dampener on the holiday by keep

[00:18:16] bringing it up if I were to ask her then like you know the poly's going through

[00:18:21] something but like the way you presented you're on the quad bike whatever you

[00:18:25] were doing like would we assume she's doing all right yeah no I tried to just

[00:18:30] keep it in and I think that's that's what makes it worse the more you

[00:18:34] suppress stuff it just ends up exploding and that is honestly what

[00:18:38] happened I think I knew in my head that I was going back to this job I know I had

[00:18:42] a trial shift but I just still was just in such a bad place mentally without

[00:18:47] realizing how bad it was so anyway come back from the trip just feeling even

[00:18:52] worse to be honest because I thought I can't even go on holiday and relax I

[00:18:56] can't get away from this it's following me everywhere this feeling that I

[00:19:00] had inside that nothing no matter what I did it was following me everywhere

[00:19:04] I come back from the trip went back to work and I remember the first day I went

[00:19:09] back to work I didn't talk to anyone the whole day and that's not that's not

[00:19:14] like me I'm very loud I like to have a laugh I like to take the mic out of

[00:19:18] people like to take the what out of people Nick and am I CK Mick yeah I

[00:19:24] would have said piss but that doesn't sound as my you're a Sid cup girl you

[00:19:29] do whatever you want say it out of you look taking the piss or taking the

[00:19:33] mic is just joking yeah doesn't matter you weren't you weren't doing it that

[00:19:37] day on when you got back to work yeah unpolish yeah very everyone was saying

[00:19:43] what's wrong with you you're being really quiet and I can't even explain the

[00:19:47] feeling I just felt so drained mentally physically and I just I didn't feel

[00:19:54] like myself I felt like the life had just been sucked out of me I couldn't

[00:19:59] put on an act anymore I don't know if my sense of humor sometimes is covering

[00:20:05] up stuff I don't know maybe you're just funny I think I am funny yeah I don't

[00:20:11] care people don't think I am funny thing about being funny is if no one

[00:20:14] thinks you're funny then we might want to reexamine that but hey yeah well

[00:20:20] people say I'm funny but I'm trying to be I'm trying to be modest and

[00:20:23] humble you know Holly well I don't give a shit what they say more

[00:20:27] importantly do they laugh oh yeah it's the most provable thing in the world I

[00:20:31] don't know how to describe our humor but I like to make people squeal and be like

[00:20:35] oh honey so disgusting humor so London yeah yeah isn't it I've got my limits

[00:20:45] and putting it on a podcast the type of things I say but you're welcome to on

[00:20:48] this podcast just so but what if no one laughs and I'm not funny but they

[00:20:53] might just laugh yeah that's a good point so you're going through you're not

[00:20:57] talking at least that day and we're looking up to a moment here in which you

[00:21:01] try to end your life so what connect those dots for me please so I think I'll

[00:21:05] go for the trial shift at this next play I ended up getting a job even though

[00:21:09] in my head I really wasn't in the right place to be doing it was more

[00:21:13] responsibility and that's something that I wasn't ready for or prepared for in

[00:21:17] anyway I handed my noticing at my place at the hotel and was expecting to have a

[00:21:25] relief from leaving up all that was the issue but I left and the anxiety still

[00:21:31] followed me the clouds still followed me we're now talking May but it's been a

[00:21:36] month from my notice left the job and I'm still feeling like this but I'm

[00:21:40] trying to keep positive so I think this new jobs gonna solve everything so

[00:21:44] it's leading up to a week of this new job and the night before I have a massive

[00:21:50] panic attack I haven't really I've had maybe one proper panic attack before

[00:21:55] when it's my dad and I said I can't do this I don't want to go there tomorrow

[00:21:59] I can't do it he managed to calm me down what is what did the panic tech

[00:22:04] feel like if you can put it into words can't catch my breath I felt like

[00:22:08] the walls are everything's closing in hmm feel like you're breathing but

[00:22:12] nothing's actually going in and yeah it's a horrible feeling it's a really

[00:22:18] horrible feeling and I've only ever had one before that takes a while to calm

[00:22:22] me down but my dad managed to calm me down luckily and just said look just

[00:22:28] just go in show your face go in for the first day and see how you go it

[00:22:33] might just be nerves you know he genuinely just thought it was a bit of

[00:22:36] you know new day anxiety now but I knew in my head it was so much worse

[00:22:41] than that I was so far gone anyway I went to the first day of the job lasted

[00:22:46] about two hours had an anxiety attack said I need to get some air and then

[00:22:51] pulled my dad on the phone had a break down and said I need to leave I can't do

[00:22:55] this that I'm really not in a good place when you say panic attack and

[00:22:58] anxiety attack you're saying it like that's synonymous a panic attack for me

[00:23:02] is where it's very like overwhelming and your thoughts are kind of everywhere

[00:23:09] and it's more of a feeling anxiety attack for me is just where it's about like

[00:23:15] something specific I don't know for me they just feel anxiety attacks not maybe

[00:23:19] as severe I'm just feeling really anxious and flustered okay maybe I'm

[00:23:25] using the wrong terminology I don't know my dad's always been very supportive

[00:23:30] and said okay that's fine get yourself and just just leave it's not worth it

[00:23:34] if you're feeling that bad so I felt a relief from relieving there but my mom

[00:23:39] was at work my dad was at work so no one was at home and they was a bit

[00:23:44] concerned about me so I just drove straight to my sister's house just

[00:23:49] basically told her yeah I'm not doing it I can't do it and I could see that

[00:23:54] there was a look on her face like what do you mean you can't do it

[00:23:57] you're really excited for this because I did I put on such an act I was

[00:24:01] really excited for this new job showing people their Instagram page and really

[00:24:06] bigging it up with inside I was I really don't want to do this I feel really

[00:24:10] really shit and I don't want to do this but I felt like I had to I felt like

[00:24:13] that's all I had that was the only option I had yeah so that obviously

[00:24:17] didn't materialize and then this is where it started to really really

[00:24:22] spiral into like really bad depression because I had this feeling of okay well

[00:24:26] what do I do now the truth is I couldn't do anything

[00:24:30] yeah I was really unwell without me realizing and this is where my mom and dad

[00:24:36] kind of just said to me right okay maybe you just need a break

[00:24:39] and I thought okay maybe I do just need a break but for me I've never had

[00:24:42] something out of that before I've always been doing something whether it

[00:24:45] was studying or working what does that even what does that look like a

[00:24:48] break yes okay you have a break but what am I doing after the break how

[00:24:52] long is the break and the mind your your mind is processing all this in the

[00:24:57] state it was in so we're sure you're gonna be like presumably like well then

[00:25:02] what and this that did that because you're just not well you said it you

[00:25:05] were not well I was so unwell and it's only now that I'm on the other side of

[00:25:10] it I realized now how severely ill I was my thoughts were so out of

[00:25:18] everything was a negative spin I actually forgot what it's like to be happy

[00:25:22] and I remember asking my sister have I ever been happy

[00:25:26] and she was like what are you going about and I went have I ever

[00:25:30] been happy like have I would we've been together and I've been happy and smiling

[00:25:33] and laughing she went yeah of course you have do you not remember

[00:25:36] and I remember we was laying in my bed and I said I genuinely don't remember

[00:25:39] ever being happy and she was up pulling your scare in me

[00:25:42] we had many conversations like that me my sister whilst I was having this

[00:25:46] break she would come home from work and lay in bed with me and I'd

[00:25:49] ask really weird questions I remember actually saying to her once

[00:25:54] do you not think life's actually really long not too long

[00:25:57] and she went no I think it's sure I don't feel like I've got enough time to

[00:26:00] do anything and I remember thinking did I ever feel

[00:26:03] like that like this is when I started to think oh my god life is so long if

[00:26:07] I'm gonna feel like this like oh my god when is my life

[00:26:10] gonna end I don't I do not want to feel like

[00:26:12] this anymore and I feel like this is where yeah

[00:26:15] thought started to come in because is that suicide ideation I don't know

[00:26:20] I don't know you know that I have a bit of a gift for memoir titles

[00:26:24] no I'm gonna listen to these fucking podcasts a little bit closer

[00:26:28] so you may not never write the memoir but here's a potentially good title for

[00:26:32] your memoir ready have I ever been happy

[00:26:36] genuinely how I felt and it's crazy to think that now

[00:26:39] I actually felt like that is genuinely how I felt but now I can't remember

[00:26:44] that feeling because don't show like it anymore it's bizarre

[00:26:48] like right now life doesn't feel too short or long neither

[00:26:51] yeah I don't think it's too short definitely don't think it's too long

[00:26:55] anymore I'm just quiet I feel like I'm quite present at the moment

[00:26:59] right so when you're starting this so you're having the conversations with

[00:27:02] your sister you're clearly like kind of for lack of a better word like spiraling

[00:27:06] down yeah what's the degree to which you're communicating with people

[00:27:11] really zero exist your mother father friends therapist counselor anyone I mean at

[00:27:17] this point at the early on point I was mainly just laying in bed all day

[00:27:22] so this was kind of like end of May beginning of June

[00:27:24] wasn't showering wasn't sleeping wasn't eating wasn't on any meds at this

[00:27:29] point but when I it was probably a few weeks into this

[00:27:33] actually and the thing we've made I wouldn't say I'm I was against them

[00:27:38] but yeah never thought that it was going to be an option I didn't think it had to

[00:27:43] be an option and my mum kind of felt like that as well

[00:27:47] I think again there's a stigma around medication

[00:27:50] there's a massive stigma and I was part of that I'll be honest before I

[00:27:54] went through this I thought you know people shouldn't rely on it as much

[00:27:58] as other things you can do and God was our own I was so wrong the first medication

[00:28:04] I got put on so I wasn't sleeping at all at this point I would just

[00:28:08] I was up all night just because I had nothing to do I had no purpose

[00:28:12] yeah nothing I didn't want to go out I didn't want to see anyone

[00:28:16] I canceled any plans that I had with friends yeah just was a hermit

[00:28:20] when you say laying in bed doing nothing are you literally doing nothing or are you

[00:28:26] on your phone on tiktok that's exactly what I was doing and I would look at my

[00:28:30] screen time and I'd be on tiktok for like 18 hours a day

[00:28:35] that is a lot of hours yeah and that was that was all I would do apart from going

[00:28:39] to the toilet I'd get back in bed that was it because you're 23 or 22 at the

[00:28:44] time that's why I said tiktok if you were 35 Facebook maybe don't rip that

[00:28:50] much on Facebook I'm not 35 no if it was 30 I would have said Instagram

[00:28:56] if you were 40 I would have said Facebook well okay and if you were 50 I would have

[00:29:00] said something else and what was 50 b reading a book

[00:29:05] good god forbid that was the humor sarcasm hey you know what you don't have to be 50 to read

[00:29:12] oh no that was a joke and it made you laugh so that's all that matters really

[00:29:17] so less social media today I've been trying to create new habits so I meditate for 10 minutes

[00:29:23] a day I do 10 minutes of Duolingo a day learn Spanish what's the word for suicide in Spanish

[00:29:30] no idea but I haven't got to that section yet whether there's going to be a section on it oh no

[00:29:36] I am going to take a guess that there is on Duolingo and any of the languages they offer

[00:29:42] zero sections on suicide conversations or language but who knows maybe that's my true

[00:29:48] calling is to create an app in which we yeah I don't know I don't know one of your call

[00:29:52] ideas big ideas yes we can have more than one go plural or go home all right so even though

[00:29:58] you're doing these very good things now it's early June last year you're on tiktok 18 hours a day

[00:30:05] this is where I now was not sleeping and it was becoming an issue I just couldn't sleep

[00:30:12] for the life of me and this is where the hallucinations began so this is where I was

[00:30:16] having auditory hallucinations my window would be shut there'd be nothing going on and I would hear

[00:30:23] music coming down from literally a few doors down and it'd be a song on repeat can't remember the

[00:30:28] song but it'd be a song where I'd get up mum can you hear this no she said well I think we need

[00:30:33] to go to the doctors so we went to my GP and she just basically said she hasn't slept she's

[00:30:38] been eating and they basically just prescribed me I think I don't know if it's their first protocol

[00:30:44] satalapram 10 milligrams what is what's another name for that drug do you know it's an SSRI so they

[00:30:51] gave me um I think they're just like kind of anti histamines bit of a sedative I don't know

[00:30:58] you can buy them over the counter anyway so I started taking that antidepressant and then

[00:31:04] one of them tablets at night to help me sleep I'd probably sleep full asleep for about two hours

[00:31:10] wake up and that was it really wasn't helping when I think when and this did apply to me to some

[00:31:16] degree you go to a doctor finally to get help when you take meds finally to get some relief

[00:31:22] and they don't help it's almost worse yeah you know now okay maybe you need to go back to the

[00:31:28] doc at the time it's like I finally did the thing I was supposed to do and I don't feel better

[00:31:33] and yeah maybe I feel worse and it's like I feel like that's super dangerous time yeah I agree

[00:31:37] and um the doctor did say that you might feel worse before you feel better yeah the first two weeks

[00:31:43] are usually quite bad and I just thought okay but if it's two bad weeks for them to feel better

[00:31:49] that's fine anyway two weeks went by still not sleeping still felt all the negative thoughts in

[00:31:55] my head still wasn't doing anything was laying in bed my birthday rolled around and I made no

[00:32:01] plans with my friends I sat in the garden with my mom my dad my sister and her girlfriend I didn't

[00:32:08] even talk and didn't really reply to any messages people saying happy birthday I was I was there

[00:32:14] but I wasn't there but that's not you so nobody's saying anything or they're kind of like all right

[00:32:18] we know she's going through something give her her space yeah yeah with us and she's gotten back

[00:32:22] yeah it was that it was like a miracle that I got out of bed to come downstairs into the garden

[00:32:27] of course you're going to be in a garden I'm sure there was tea there you have tea

[00:32:30] well as in a cup of tea oh yeah exactly yeah well not so much in the summer it's a winter drink

[00:32:36] which I'm drinking right now of course right in summer you're in the garden yeah which is an

[00:32:43] actual garden with like flowers and shit well that's what we call it a yard a backyard

[00:32:50] that's why I've been confused for so long I mean there is flowers with plants right well that's

[00:32:55] just the way the earth works yeah but you didn't manicure anything personally no you can in England

[00:33:03] perhaps in the UK say I am in a garden and you haven't done any work it's maybe you mowed the lawn

[00:33:10] but like it's just the space yeah I have been giving you all way more credit than you frankly

[00:33:15] deserve because I thought all of you were out eating gardens like you know in a few hours a week

[00:33:21] I am on a hundred percent okay embracing and acknowledging my limited intelligence I am

[00:33:27] you're in the garden so here you are you're not drinking tea because it's summer in the garden which

[00:33:32] is not really garden with your family and then what happens not much really just the same routine

[00:33:40] laying in bed all day I'm very close with my cousins I will say three older cousins they

[00:33:47] knew that I was going through stuff I went to stay with two of them on separate occasions

[00:33:52] they was quite happy for me to just be how I was be ill and know that I wasn't very well

[00:33:58] they came around yesterday and I told them that I was going on and they went oh I'm gonna follow

[00:34:03] it straight away what's it called so I told them they went straight on it and they went can you

[00:34:07] give us a show they probably will not like the podcast because it's not for everybody they'll like

[00:34:13] your episode which will be out in like a month or so so they're gonna have to be a little patient but

[00:34:17] cousins what are your cousin's names here we go shouting out here we go so Danielle and she

[00:34:24] actually listened to one today because I suggested it well I showed at the podcast and she went

[00:34:29] it's really insightful and then we've got Lucy amazing as well went to stay with her for a few

[00:34:34] days when I was feeling really lonely she was just there for me more than I could even ask for

[00:34:39] and we've got Louisa yeah again she'd been there for me whenever I've needed her takes it

[00:34:44] her she's there straight away yeah they're my three older cousins who had just had my back the whole

[00:34:48] way through it what else can we say about them before we move on with your as we get really

[00:34:53] close to a very very scary day probably without their support and just being the people that they

[00:35:00] are really and the supportive older cousins can't say things that might have turned out differently

[00:35:05] because I did still attempt but they made it a little bit easier sometimes when I was with them

[00:35:13] and that made all the difference and I just I always feel safe when I'm with them

[00:35:18] I always have even when I was little they're very protective those were wise words a lot of what

[00:35:23] you're saying are what so profound because I don't think people I'm gonna stop always saying I

[00:35:28] don't think people realize because I'm sure most do making you know what I say when I say

[00:35:33] sometime in the intro to help people feel a little less shitty and a little less alone if you've ever

[00:35:37] heard that I don't I don't say less shitty unless alone though that could apply I'm really focusing

[00:35:43] on a little that's about the most I can do yeah that's what they can do and you said it and you

[00:35:49] nailed it a little as a not a little in a sense yeah yeah 100% isn't that interesting yeah in a

[00:35:55] time like that just spending time with them just just eased it a little and at that point in time

[00:36:04] that was enough at that moment in time yeah right all right enough shouting out to your cousins

[00:36:10] they got their shout out whoa go party you got you got shouted out which is pretty awesome

[00:36:17] by you not from me but a podcast called suicide now to go tell all your friends

[00:36:22] pretty sure they're gonna be like although I bet one or two would be like quietly not saying oh

[00:36:30] I've thought about that don't talk about it don't talk about it but that does not apply to you

[00:36:36] because you're here as it builds up is there more and more or can we sort of for lack of a

[00:36:41] better word fast forward to that day so we went back to the doctors sorry and they basically

[00:36:47] said you haven't waited long enough for them to kick in so my mum was starting to go out of her head

[00:36:53] a little bit you know I'm really worried about my daughter and it's not helping and they basically

[00:36:58] just said we had to be patient and at this point my mum and dad were getting really worried

[00:37:02] about me really worried that there was nothing was improving I was still the exact same and at

[00:37:07] this point we'd actually contacted a private psychiatrist but they didn't have any availability

[00:37:14] until September no end of August it's crazy over here the mental health care is I mean I don't know

[00:37:19] what it's like where you are but so we had that in the future but we needed kind of help now and I

[00:37:27] think my mum and dad was starting to understand that they then upped my medication after speaking

[00:37:32] to a different doctor um I was then on that for a couple of weeks this is when it got to the

[00:37:38] point where I started to feel like okay I don't want to feel like this anymore if at that

[00:37:44] time somebody your cousin sister parents said to you why can't you go on any longer which is a

[00:37:51] hard question like the why is always a hard question you know when you ask somebody like

[00:37:54] why did you attempt it's just a really tricky question not judgy I'm just curious because

[00:38:00] I was just suffering so much inside and I could not see any way that I was going to feel better

[00:38:07] I could not see a solution a light at the end of the tunnel I could not see a way to fix how I

[00:38:13] felt I thought I'm I've got a medication that's that was my last result I was going to try everything

[00:38:20] and go on medication and I went on medication and that's still not helping and every single day

[00:38:25] felt so painfully long that I started to think I'd get into bed well I was already in bed

[00:38:32] I'd actually pray and I'm not religious but I would pray every night please just take me

[00:38:37] in my seat yeah I've had enough now I'm tired of this I don't want to feel like this anymore

[00:38:43] and I've had enough are you religious no I'm not religious prayers aren't going anywhere

[00:38:48] they're gonna work yeah it was like you're on your own love good luck kiddo yeah then I started

[00:38:55] properly think about it I started to google looking at different ways I did a lot of research on all

[00:39:02] the different ways to do it I couldn't bring myself to hang myself I had the thought of it I couldn't

[00:39:10] yeah I didn't want to do anything where I was gonna for example jump off of anything

[00:39:16] and then risk not actually dying but then being paralyzed and also still mentally ill

[00:39:23] and then I thought I'm going to be even an even worse thing and then there was this one other thing

[00:39:27] thing as well I heard a girl talk or I don't know if it was a boy or girl talk on your podcast and

[00:39:31] they actually didn't know if it was wise for the listeners to hear it just in case people get

[00:39:37] ideas for a little while that was what I was gonna do and I actually even bought a mask

[00:39:43] so you get shit delivered to the home in which your parents live yeah that's to be fair

[00:39:47] I don't think that was in when it came but I was ordering loads of stuff I was ordering coloring

[00:39:52] books to try and distract myself and stuff so another delivery coming from the door I don't

[00:39:57] think they questioned it because I don't think at this point even though I was thinking it

[00:40:00] I didn't tell anyone no one knew I'm always trying to sort of as best I can capture the

[00:40:06] mind of someone who is ready to leave which I think words will never quite express it yeah

[00:40:13] you think back were you like I cannot believe I'm gonna do this all I kept thinking was

[00:40:20] I'm just so sad that it's had to come to this and my life is now gonna end because I'm suffering

[00:40:26] and it won't go away and this is it for me this is how I'm gonna die but I at that moment in

[00:40:32] time for me that was the only option and nothing was gonna sway me my sister even said to me

[00:40:38] she obviously knew I was really severely depressed but she kept saying to me you're not gonna

[00:40:42] do anything are you you're not gonna do any future and I kept making a joke out of it

[00:40:46] and I kept saying oh you won't you won't care that much will you and she's like probably don't

[00:40:51] speak like that but in my head I'm trying to convince myself you know they'll move on

[00:40:56] they'll get over it like that it's not going to hurt anyone too much yeah they're gonna be upset

[00:41:01] but of course that is so far from the truth so far from the truth but when you're in that

[00:41:07] headspace you can't you cannot think of anything else you do not think of anyone else

[00:41:12] anything else it is just that on the spotlight for you for me that it was the only option that I

[00:41:18] could see at that moment in time okay so you ultimately decide that you're gonna overdose

[00:41:24] and vodka yeah figured out that that was gonna be what I was gonna do that was the only thing

[00:41:29] I researched roughly how many milligrams I'd need for it to work this is stuff that was

[00:41:35] prescribed medication yes people like I saw that if you drunk how cold as well it

[00:41:41] helped with the effects now I had that in my head I just thought okay now I just need to plan a date

[00:41:46] and my sister's birthday was coming up in July and I thought okay well I don't want to do it before

[00:41:52] her birthday because I don't want to run up to her birthday in the future to be that's when my

[00:41:57] sister killed herself I don't know that's just what I thought I didn't want to do it before

[00:42:00] her birthday I wanted to spend and in my head I wanted to spend her last birthday with her

[00:42:05] you wanted to spend experience of her birthday like you were confident and this makes this

[00:42:10] tracks and makes total sense that when you do this thing you will die yeah it was 100%

[00:42:16] without a doubt convinced that I was going to die and that was gonna be it and the suffering

[00:42:21] was gonna end and it was gonna be over just had to make it past her birthday which is on the 18th

[00:42:25] of July and then finally I can do it and that's done so it then got round two I think I think

[00:42:32] I did it the weekend after I can't I can't actually remember the specific day but it was

[00:42:37] the end towards the end of July I didn't actually have enough medication left to do it so I actually

[00:42:43] lied to my GP and said that I'd lost my medication so they would give me more but they only give you

[00:42:50] two weeks worth rather than a full month so I'm guessing for maybe people have used that excuse

[00:42:54] before they then gave me two weeks worth so I ended up having I think I had 33 tablets

[00:43:01] so it was a Sunday night I went to the shop bought a bottle of vodka what kind of act

[00:43:06] though is it do you remember? Glens vodka cheap yeah well I thought I'm gonna die anyway

[00:43:11] I could have got the one with gold glitter in it there's one with gold glitter I should have done

[00:43:15] that I mean I mean well I've got plenty of time to drink it now anyway so it's a Sunday night

[00:43:20] definitely not drinking tea it's summer you do not ingest these pills and drink that vodka

[00:43:26] in the garden no it's not one of them nights no I'm in bed said good night to my mum and

[00:43:32] dad's knowing or thinking that that would be the last time I said goodbye I wrote multiple letters

[00:43:38] to whom so I wrote a generic letter I can't remember what he said because I threw them all away now

[00:43:43] but a generic letter just basically explaining how I've been feeling basically I'm sorry to

[00:43:49] everyone it's no one's fault no one's done this to me this is just how I feel I didn't

[00:43:53] want anyone to feel any guilt or why didn't I try more do that it was no one's fault

[00:43:58] it's just how I felt I'll write one to my best friend Izzy one to my sister Darcy one to her

[00:44:06] girlfriend Holly my mum my dad's my cousins I've got a very good support circle people that I used

[00:44:13] to work with that I'm really still really good friends with there was a long list of people

[00:44:17] my friend Rosie so you physically wrote them letters physically right it wasn't a long I made

[00:44:23] a generic letter for in my head everyone to read and then wrote everyone a little

[00:44:27] night I'm sorry I love you forever but I wanted everyone to have a little something that I've

[00:44:32] written to them personally to show them that I love them and I cared about them and I'm sorry

[00:44:36] that this happened is that on the same this is happening like the day of the week of this

[00:44:41] yeah this is happening in the day off so I'm in bed just before I'd done anything else

[00:44:46] written the letters put them in an envelope put them under my pillow and then just tips

[00:44:51] them all into my mouth knocked it back with about I did about half the bottle of the vodka in one

[00:44:57] go and are you a drinker typically I used to be not but not being able to do that but I really

[00:45:03] just I just didn't care that's it I want to go at some hours your mom into sex here yeah

[00:45:11] so I then got into bed try to fall asleep and I honestly convinced myself that I was just

[00:45:17] going to fall asleep and not wake up and I was so happy about that I was thinking I see it

[00:45:23] I'm gone bye and then obviously I woke up went to the bathroom and that's where my mom come up

[00:45:29] the stairs so it was about seven o'clock in the morning your sister was going to work and she's a

[00:45:33] nurse and that your dad was called and came over and that you went to the hospital for a while

[00:45:38] charcoal probably kind of thing but I didn't actually I don't know if this is why but

[00:45:43] people had to help me down the stairs because I couldn't walk the paramedic helped me down the

[00:45:47] stairs sorry as soon as I got to the stairs I felt a lot all the stuff come up through a

[00:45:54] project I'll into the bath into the toilet I don't know if that maybe was why they didn't

[00:45:59] bother giving me anything but I had an ECG on for about five hours on my chest because my

[00:46:06] I don't know if it's my heart rate or my blood pressure there was something not right

[00:46:09] from me taking all these pills and I think there's something you can get was

[00:46:13] it's called serotonin syndrome when you have too much serotonin from antidepressants or it

[00:46:19] can be from drugs already like narcotics and I don't know if that was something that was a side

[00:46:24] effect of that I don't think I had that I think they were just really wary of it because of

[00:46:29] how much I'd taken so yeah I got taken in an ambulance and I was in the hospital for about

[00:46:34] five hours can't really remember much of it to be honest so they did they know what you'd

[00:46:38] like you were trying to kill yourself oh yeah okay so you're in there and they stabilize you

[00:46:43] and then before they let you out are you talking with anybody about the fact that you try to kill

[00:46:48] yourself yes I don't know if he was a therapist or a psychologist right coming to talk to me

[00:46:54] and basically just said are you gonna do this again are you gonna try again um how are

[00:46:59] you feeling now and I didn't want to get sectioned but I didn't feel like I needed

[00:47:05] to be there and I didn't feel like it was gonna make me feel any better by going there so I just

[00:47:09] lied yeah no I'm okay I'm really sorry that I've done it it's never gonna happen again

[00:47:16] this was all a pack of lies you can't really believe what she's saying no you didn't magically

[00:47:21] become happy no obviously at some point something changes that we wouldn't be talking

[00:47:26] here right now probably but at that point I know you're probably out of it you're still

[00:47:31] suicidal no yeah so you leave the hospital five hours later I said I'm fine to go home

[00:47:39] but let me go home I then got referred to the home treatment team okay which is basically where a

[00:47:47] mental health service come out to visit you once a week to see what you're living like how you are

[00:47:53] check up on you and you go in there for a meeting with the psychologist when you try to take your

[00:47:59] own life in the NHS you get fast track to see like you have to go to the home treatment team

[00:48:05] because you're seen as like a danger to yourself or at high risk but you have to try to kill yourself

[00:48:11] first yep to get there prior to this I had actually contacted a charity mind and it was a 90 day

[00:48:19] wait when they finally got in touch with me I was asleep so I missed the call and then they

[00:48:25] basically ended up signing me off two days later without checking up on me again to see

[00:48:30] and if I'm even still here and then that was it and that was the only that's what it was like

[00:48:35] trying to get help without being suicidal do you know what I think it is I don't think it's

[00:48:40] anything on the people I think the funding just isn't there and saying that I actually did a skydive

[00:48:47] when I was 18 and raised money for that charity I know when things are adding up things

[00:48:52] essentially fall between the cracks but I still feel like someone could have just called you a

[00:48:56] second time yeah yeah I agree so when the team starts visiting you have your visit how do you

[00:49:03] get from being where you were to not not necessarily to how you are this moment today but out of the

[00:49:09] out of that space so number one was the doctor there listened to my symptoms properly and

[00:49:17] completely changed my medication so she changed me from satelopram to metazapine and metazapine

[00:49:23] is a sedative so it makes you sleep and of course I wasn't sleeping as soon as I started taking that

[00:49:28] it would knock me out for about eight hours one of the things I was thinking earlier on in our

[00:49:33] conversation when you were saying about the sleep is I thought the only thing that matters

[00:49:38] is make sure you sleep yeah like that's not the only thing that's the only thing that we need

[00:49:42] here I have gone through and it wasn't as severe as yours but to me it felt like major sleep stuff

[00:49:49] saw the impact it had on my life and I thought I will do fucking anything to get to sleep and

[00:49:55] stay asleep hard drugs I didn't care yeah so when my doctors would play around with well that

[00:50:01] drug could be a little addictive I said like a prescribed drug I would say you are really

[00:50:05] not getting it okay I will risk having a mild addiction which is a problem I understand

[00:50:10] you have to sleep so this doctor listened shout out to her shout out I don't know what her name is

[00:50:16] doctor from the NHS Oxleys sounds very British so that was the first thing but don't go wrong

[00:50:22] that took about three months for me to actually feel well lifted the next thing I had was I think

[00:50:28] because I thought okay this didn't work the first time I've got this private psychologist

[00:50:33] appointment coming up I'm just gonna try my best to wait for that and see if that's gonna

[00:50:39] help me so I did I waited I was getting my sleep back thanks for the medication went through this

[00:50:46] psychiatrist from that point on started having CBT therapy yeah CBT and I was a bit wary because I've

[00:50:52] had it before with a counsellor but I don't know if she was doing it in the right way or I

[00:50:59] wasn't really understanding it she wasn't really giving me like work to do at home it was kind

[00:51:04] of an hour session you don't do anything at home and you eat something you need to integrate

[00:51:09] when you're on your own and I had a great psychiatrist let's just say I'm very lucky and

[00:51:14] grateful that my mom and dad had the money to even put me private in the first place yeah

[00:51:19] because God forbid we didn't have the money to do that I probably would have attempted again

[00:51:25] money matters yeah it does at least one human being will hear that out there and be like well

[00:51:29] rich people try to yeah we know that's true yeah it matters though a lot it does matter good so in

[00:51:35] your case had the money fortunately also found a good doctor really good started sleeping yeah CBT

[00:51:43] yeah and when is this this is now we're into fall so we're into September now so I started having

[00:51:48] a weekly session with my psychologist doing CBT therapy yeah it took a few sessions for me

[00:51:54] I think to trust him first and foremost you're basically telling them everything stuff that you've

[00:52:00] never told anyone else before it's a lot it is a lot but they're professionals and that's their job

[00:52:05] and if you know you need to let it out and it done me the world of good yeah I had therapy

[00:52:12] up until December you are by December you were you stopped therapy yep but you're drinking tea at

[00:52:18] that point yes um god have my tea why'd you stop going it sounded like it was really working

[00:52:23] well it wasn't necessary with CBT therapy I keep saying CBT therapy it's CB therapy the tools that he

[00:52:32] gave me he taught me to use them myself and he gave me a worksheet that when I was feeling anxious

[00:52:40] I'll go to this worksheet I break it down I write it out and I process it rather than suppressing

[00:52:45] how I was feeling which I constantly did if I felt anxious I'd go no no no you're fine

[00:52:50] you're fine you're fine rather than going what is this telling me is it just a fight or flight

[00:52:55] there's nothing there or is there something going on that I'm suppressing and I've now managed to I

[00:53:01] can do that all by myself I know if it's just my body because sometimes you get anxiety and it's

[00:53:06] not really anything it's just your body maybe it's there's a trigger somewhere but you're not

[00:53:10] in danger now or there is something that's happened that you're trying to ignore

[00:53:14] and you need to deal with it honestly amazing he taught me really good but meditating exercises

[00:53:20] yeah gave me loads of exercising to do and yeah he even said to me this isn't a long-term thing I'm

[00:53:25] going to teach you what you need to know yeah it should be a few months and you should be good

[00:53:29] to go and he wasn't lying shout out to him yeah shout out to Harry sometimes it takes a lot

[00:53:34] of people to help someone stay alive yeah it does I mean your proof so you have this thing in

[00:53:39] December that ends you've been doing the exercises you do them not as often anymore but we're only in

[00:53:45] February now why do you search for suicide though in Spotify or Apple well because I was actually

[00:53:52] listening to your podcast when I was suicidal and I always said to myself if I'm gonna get better

[00:54:00] I would love to talk on the podcast and here I am here you are when you're in the throes of

[00:54:05] it in the real bad part if I'm gonna get better wasn't on in your head though no it was I'm talking

[00:54:12] this was after the attempt okay it didn't work I'm gonna try and see this therapist now and I

[00:54:17] was still listening to your podcast every single day wow so you've heard a lot of them I've heard

[00:54:23] a lot that's so interesting yeah yeah yeah so you said if I get better one day I'm gonna go and

[00:54:29] talk about it like I'm now finally a place where I can talk about it and it not make me feel any kind

[00:54:35] of way it's just something that happened um okay now is there one little hack or secret to CBT

[00:54:41] that we can learn from you today I think the most important thing is to just if you're feeling

[00:54:47] anxious stressed if there's something that's bothering you take a second take a break step

[00:54:53] back from the situation relax yourself and try and take a bird's eye view approach of the situation

[00:55:00] take yourself kind of out of the situation and you know honor how it's making you feel don't try and

[00:55:05] push it down okay I'm feeling anxiety I'm feeling stressed I'm feeling angry that's absolutely fine

[00:55:11] you're allowed to feel them things and there's nothing wrong with that but it's what you do with

[00:55:15] that afterwards is what matters and you know write it down that really helped me write it all

[00:55:22] out exactly how you're feeling how it makes you feel what you can do about it you know yeah

[00:55:26] what's worst case scenario that really helps if you're really anxious about something that's coming

[00:55:31] up that hasn't even happened yet okay what is the worst possible thing that could happen you write

[00:55:36] it out okay but if that were a thing to happen would I still be okay and nine times out of ten

[00:55:41] yeah yeah and then the one time at 10 then we have a podcast called suicide noted yeah

[00:55:48] you're not a doctor but you're sharing stuff you've learned that's important and it worked for you

[00:55:53] I find it therapeutic yeah actually be the one to write on a pen and a paper and you I feel like

[00:56:00] with a pen and a paper you can really go to town you really let it rip and as I know with a phone

[00:56:07] tweets not the same tweet style yeah yeah I don't find it the same I think some of it's better

[00:56:12] because then okay you can have it on your notes that but it's kind of good to have it all in

[00:56:16] one go and look back does anybody know that you attempted that hasn't come up already in our conversation

[00:56:22] no so of all the people you don't have to call them out but of all the people that do know once

[00:56:27] they learned whether it was that night or at some point after did anybody say anything to you

[00:56:33] that was really you found really shitty no not one person you got a good fucking group yeah

[00:56:40] really good group even the most well-intentioned people sometimes inadvertently say shitty

[00:56:44] things about this stuff they ever cried gave me a cuddle said I'm so sorry that you felt like that

[00:56:51] I'll do anything to help you let me be there for you nothing at all that made me feel shitty

[00:56:58] what did and or do in terms of diagnoses do you think you had or have so I got diagnosed with

[00:57:06] when I went to see the private psychology at psychiatry sorry it was depression and mixed anxiety

[00:57:15] I've had anxiety generalized anxiety since I was kind of 17 but it was never severe I never took

[00:57:23] medication for it I never had you know CBT for it I saw a counselor here in there but it was never

[00:57:30] severe I definitely think I agree with the depression I could not do anything I had no energy

[00:57:37] and yeah the anxiety I did as well at sometimes I thought that potentially I had a bit of OCD this

[00:57:44] is me now self-diagnosing just because of the obsessive faults in my head not necessarily

[00:57:50] physical compulsions but my mind was on a kind of obsessive thinking pattern yeah but I don't

[00:57:57] know if that was part of the anxiety the depression the lack of sleep I think all those things are

[00:58:02] true and I think you just were not treated correctly yeah or and part of it's you didn't go for treatment

[00:58:08] so it's complicated I'm not pointing fingers you had this stuff and if it goes long enough

[00:58:13] without being treated often it's so what you did it's not original thought that's pretty like standard

[00:58:17] stuff but then yeah and sometimes people try to get treated doesn't work I mean it's complicated

[00:58:22] yeah it is very complicated one was more or less the last time you thought about wanting to die

[00:58:27] probably a couple of sessions into my CBT therapy so maybe September nothing since

[00:58:35] nothing since how does that feel from not want to die pretty fucking good

[00:58:42] gonna lie I mean I don't want you to lie no that's what I'm about the output

[00:58:49] we do the opposite of that here for sure yeah what in your life helps you feel better

[00:58:53] family and friends do you have a job I do dog grooming with my friend Rosie where did that come

[00:59:01] from she needed a driver for her business starting in January I obviously didn't have anything going on

[00:59:09] I said I'll help you and here we are awesome I would do that as a job because dogs are awesome

[00:59:15] they all they really are do you think you're gonna die natural death yeah I'm not gonna ask you the

[00:59:20] pink and purple pill question then you know what it is right no oh the pink and purple as if I give

[00:59:25] you a pill and you die no one knows it's suicide they just think you died naturally and there's

[00:59:29] no pain would you take the pill would you save the pill I'd say that you would say right away

[00:59:36] last question I think is around myths or and or misconception especially if they've not come up

[00:59:43] in this conversation now you want to talk about one of the biggest myths that I think people think

[00:59:49] maybe if they haven't been through it before is that it's the easy way out to take your life

[00:59:55] I think that's that can be further from the truth I think people are really suffering when they feel

[01:00:00] like that and it's definitely not easy for them to even get to that point it is not the easy

[01:00:06] way out and they're suffering that bad that it's actually a really hard and shitty time

[01:00:10] and it's certainly not easy what else would you like to share just do anyone listening really this

[01:00:16] this was something I did want to say that when I was in the midst of it I honestly had on heart

[01:00:21] never ever thought I was gonna feel better I could not see it for months but I promise you one way

[01:00:28] or another you don't know how you're gonna get there but it does just unravel in a way that

[01:00:33] you know you come out of it if you you know make sure you get the help go on medication

[01:00:37] if you need to talk to people and you know there is life to be lived and you know it is gonna get

[01:00:43] better you know the irony of all that though right if you heard a podcast no yeah someone's saying

[01:00:50] that when you felt really shit like what how do we get around that I don't know I get it because

[01:00:54] when people if no you're right because when people will say that to me when I felt really

[01:00:59] shit I was like you have no idea no you're yet you're very right but it's worth repeating

[01:01:05] and it's worth sharing and there are people that hear that so you do what you can yeah I know but

[01:01:10] it went when you're in that head to right it's not no matter what anyone says to you you can't hear

[01:01:16] it it doesn't go in you don't believe it we try thanks again Polly yeah thanks for having me

[01:01:23] it was a pleasure let's get back to our lives thanks again Polly I really appreciate it thanks

[01:01:27] thank you take care as always thanks so much for listening and all of your support special thanks to

[01:01:34] Polly in England thanks Polly if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk please

[01:01:40] reach out hello at suicide noted calm on facebook or twitter slash x I believe you can still reach

[01:01:47] out to me there at suicide noted please check the show notes to learn more about the podcast

[01:01:53] including our membership and we really appreciate you listening that's all for episode number 205

[01:01:59] stay strong do the best you can I'll talk to you soon

[01:02:23] you