Kristen in NC

[00:00:00] by the time I hit 40 if life doesn't change for me, I'm out like I'm done. I have a plan and everything.

[00:00:29] Hey there my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast I talk with suicide

[00:00:34] attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories. Every year around the world millions

[00:00:38] of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it. We certainly don't

[00:00:42] talk about it enough and when we do talk about it many of us including me are not very good at

[00:00:47] it. So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better

[00:00:52] conversations with suicide attempt survivors. Why? In part to help more people in more places feel

[00:00:58] a little less shitty and a little less alone so if you've been a part of this podcast in any way

[00:01:03] thank you. Now if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk please reach

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[00:02:04] your thoughts your comments your questions your ideas all that good stuff. Finally we are talking

[00:02:08] about suicide on this podcast and we don't hold back so please take that into account before you

[00:02:14] listen or as you listen but I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn today I am talking

[00:02:19] with Kristen Kristen lives in North Carolina and she is a suicide attempt survivor. Hey Kristen

[00:02:29] Kristen you might be the only person so far that I've talked to who direct New York to

[00:02:35] North Carolina link like me. Yeah absolutely yeah my parents had moved down right after the trade

[00:02:42] center they were like literally in the trade center my dad's floor was the floor that they hit

[00:02:47] he had gotten the job like a month before and he was like I love this floor it's absolutely amazing

[00:02:52] you know it's a little scary being up this high he saw his friend on the ferry they got a

[00:02:57] cup of coffee and if he didn't stop for that cup of coffee he would have been in the building

[00:03:01] when the plane hit it was a rough thing so we stayed for me in New York for about six months

[00:03:08] and then my mom had gotten offered a job in Charlotte where I live now and then they moved

[00:03:14] I stayed because I was still in college and we did the whole thing so got it well thanks for joining

[00:03:20] me here and talking absolutely Charlotte North Carolina Charlotte yeah yeah from New York

[00:03:26] from New York from Staten Island I was gonna guess it the born in Brooklyn the reason Staten Island

[00:03:32] thing you know stereotypical and you have not lost the accent you know what I feel like I have

[00:03:39] I don't hear it as much like oh where are you from you know I don't hear it that much anymore

[00:03:43] cool well here's what we're gonna do but like yeah we'll have fun with it okay people who's

[00:03:48] listening can you please message me and then I can share it uh with yeah Kristen do you hear

[00:03:55] a New York accent if they might say yeah oh no I'm gonna guess I'm pretty sure I know what they're

[00:04:00] gonna say I like the accent I think it's kind of cool it reminds me I was actually born on Long Island

[00:04:05] and raised there and I lived in the city for like 11 or whatever years but it's a unique sound and I

[00:04:10] like it I mean I like it on men I think on women it comes off a little mob wives kind of rough

[00:04:16] around the edges you know I love my accent I don't ever want to lose it so yeah it's just

[00:04:21] Staten Island in particular Staten Island has a very heavy accent very heavy I don't want to be a

[00:04:26] snub about it but if you're not from that area might you might not kind of get it but you know that's

[00:04:31] because you're not from there but right this is me speaking to the people who might be listening

[00:04:36] to us talk yeah Staten Island's part of New York City but it's sort of is it fair for me to say

[00:04:40] it's a little bit of the redheaded stepchild it is Staten Island is a world of its own yeah

[00:04:46] if you're not you're not like New Yorkers hate Staten Island like they don't even want

[00:04:49] to be a part of Staten Island there's no place like and you could go to Manhattan you could go to

[00:04:53] Brooklyn you go to the Bronx it's not Staten Island unless you know it you really you just don't get

[00:04:58] it like people like I watched it's a panel no you just don't get it it's like it's a way of life

[00:05:05] and there's no other place you'll ever fit in I think I mean personally you know I get Jersey

[00:05:11] a lot I get Long Island I get Boston which I don't understand at all but then North Carolina

[00:05:17] sort of I know but that's gonna be maybe the first thing in the beginning of the show if I can

[00:05:25] yeah there's gonna be a lot of hate mail on that one is there a thing about it you miss the most

[00:05:31] number one food it's gotta be food definitely I found some comparable places but I mean we

[00:05:38] took it for granted that we ate gourmet food you know because on the corner any corner you go

[00:05:43] into people are not going to understand my references here but like a pork store cold cut store

[00:05:48] and you get you know a sandwich or rice ball or canola like they you just go anywhere you go you

[00:05:53] know you know bagels pizza they're catching up a little bit catching up a little bit of attitude

[00:06:01] I kind of miss the I don't like the phony stuff yeah I'm kind of like straightforward I've only

[00:06:06] been talking to you for about eight minutes and I don't think you're kind of straightforward

[00:06:11] I think very straightforward I think I'm too straightforward maybe I don't it could be the

[00:06:16] Sicilian it could be the Staten Island it could be the Italian it could be that so I've been here

[00:06:21] now officially five years now staying like full year but I was going back and forth I lived back

[00:06:26] in New York and New Jersey Long Island five years here five years there you know relationship wise

[00:06:32] and all that stuff so questions here we go why curious why or let me reframe that how did you

[00:06:40] find me suicide's a taboo subject you know and everyone knows that and it's one of those things

[00:06:46] that like you want to google it and you want to see if there's other people out there that experience

[00:06:51] what you experienced you know you're always afraid I was always afraid to like kind of google it or

[00:06:56] if someone's looking over my shoulder or you're afraid to tell your psychiatrist do you know

[00:07:01] any groups that would have you know it's something that I was like kind of looking for somebody who

[00:07:05] went through the same experiences so my brother was talked about podcasts one day and he said why

[00:07:11] don't you look up a podcast and see if there's something like that out there for you and I

[00:07:15] wound up finding yours and I started listening and I was like wow okay there's people literally

[00:07:20] all around the world that deal with this they should be so much more awareness out there for

[00:07:25] you know and um I just think that people take it the wrong way I think that you know they

[00:07:30] think it's selfish or they think it's for drama or they think it's this and that and I just I really

[00:07:36] I've been listening to your podcast and I was like I kind of want to tell my story you know

[00:07:40] because it comes in all shapes and sizes and I mean I go through suicide I think about every

[00:07:45] single day you know it's not something that it's a stereotypical thing where a person's

[00:07:50] sitting in a room in all black clothes you know writing death notes it's not like that

[00:07:55] but that's how I found it yeah and then you reached out and you said I want to do this

[00:07:59] a lot of people wouldn't do that though you know I think they should I think it's good to

[00:08:03] have your voice out there I think more people should come forward you know they should without

[00:08:07] being judged they are going to be judged you will be judged yeah I mean probably yeah not saying

[00:08:14] that's fair it's not gonna come from me I certainly hope it's not coming from our listeners but

[00:08:19] they say you don't get judged for it but yeah I guess you I guess there's still that stigma

[00:08:24] sometimes I feel like it goes away but I guess it doesn't really because sometimes I feel like we

[00:08:29] come far in mental health and then I think back and I'm like you know what you're right there might be

[00:08:34] stigma because I don't think that way anymore but I try not to think of it that way right

[00:08:39] nothing like Sean to bring you back to the uh don't be so damn optimistic great thanks Sean

[00:08:44] you know what it is I think because I feel like if it's a disease that you're born with

[00:08:49] there shouldn't be a stigma on that like people who are diabetic don't have stigmas

[00:08:53] people who have cancer don't have stigmas that's why I think because a lot of mine is my mental

[00:08:58] illness that it's a disease I have a disease so I shouldn't be stigmatized for a disease that I have

[00:09:03] yeah well I'm glad you reached out and I'm glad we're talking yeah yeah I'm glad you're open to

[00:09:07] that and I know that there are people maybe especially in New York I don't know because

[00:09:12] they're gonna resonate with this quote unquote not strong accent but who knows you're right

[00:09:17] but it is cool that we we do have people listening in a in a whole bunch of places so it's

[00:09:21] it's nice let's go back so you have a mental illness I do I have five documented mental illnesses

[00:09:27] yeah I have bipolar 2 disorder borderline personality disorder generalized anxiety disorder

[00:09:34] I have obsessive compulsive disorder and I have major depressive disorder so I'm just

[00:09:40] you know full of it all as we speak today are you on any med I am I am how many different

[00:09:46] meds five Kristen's just taking her black fluffy dog and putting him or her outside

[00:09:52] literally because they'll go they'll be going on for like an hour I'll even if there's a little

[00:09:56] barking in the background as long as we can hear you nice and clear we're good we're just

[00:10:00] two people talking we're in your what bedroom mom in my kitchen I'm in my bedroom but my dogs

[00:10:05] are they're the most remand when I'm on the phone or telephone call or anything like that they go

[00:10:10] no dramatic they are they really are so dramatic so five documented mental illnesses yeah do you

[00:10:17] think that those are all accurate that you do have them you know they all blend into each other

[00:10:22] there are some I don't think I have I had like I just tell me you don't have this

[00:10:27] but they're like we'll keep it on the chart it's kind of like I'm not going to fight with

[00:10:30] 20 others the ones that diagnose you with that kind of thing they also had led me in on a little

[00:10:36] secret I don't know if you've been in the hospital per se but when you're in the hospital you notice

[00:10:40] a lot of people have been diagnosed with bipolar that's one they give a lot of people labeled with

[00:10:45] they do that so the pharmaceutical company they could prescribe you any type of medication

[00:10:51] so if you have borderline personality disorder there's no medication for it so they can't give

[00:10:55] you one so I've learned that from the professor and a guy who studies this and he said that's

[00:11:01] why a lot of people are bipolar they could give you all the type of medicine on the spectrum

[00:11:05] oh cd doesn't have a medicine to give so they can't give you a medicine for it so think about that for

[00:11:11] a second I was like really blown away like I don't think I have bipolar I've had a couple

[00:11:15] of psychiatrists tell me you don't have bipolar disorder you know so it's not it's not a racket

[00:11:20] but it feels sometimes like it's kind of a rack yeah yeah it's unfortunate but it's a business

[00:11:25] like everything else you know I shouldn't say that but sometimes medicine could be a little bit

[00:11:30] of a business wow of course you can say that you well you do whatever you want to do but

[00:11:35] I think it's more than a little bit do you think if you were not on those meds uh you'd be dead

[00:11:40] yes I do so in this unique island which is rather small if you're wondering out there

[00:11:46] do you recall the first time you started to think about suicide do you know after every

[00:11:52] one of the episodes I listened to with you I have never when I was a child had suicidal thoughts

[00:11:58] at all they didn't start until my 20s or 30s at all but I used to think I used to be

[00:12:04] afraid of my parents dying for some reason but I never had suicidal thoughts until I was like 25-30

[00:12:11] to a nurse pointed out to me she's like you're a little late to have these thoughts and I'm like

[00:12:15] I never had them I mean I think a lot of my disease came out with the move I think that's

[00:12:22] what triggered it and I think that's when the suicidal thoughts start coming because my life

[00:12:27] changed drastically not sure the context of the conversation you had with the nurse but

[00:12:32] I don't quite understand that comment but we could also ask the question you didn't

[00:12:36] ideate you didn't think about suicide are there so it's primarily connected to the move and maybe

[00:12:41] some undiagnosed stuff which we'll talk about right is there anything and share as much or little

[00:12:47] as you want for anything happening upon reflection in your childhood teenage years into your 20s

[00:12:54] where you're like that really contributed to this thing I'm dealing with or have been

[00:12:59] beside the move I had emotionally distant parents we don't talk about feelings we don't

[00:13:04] talk about emotions everything swept under the rug my dad's like I taught you to be tough there's

[00:13:10] no crying here that we didn't grow up like that sweet lovey-dovey Italian this is like no I told

[00:13:16] you get your ass up and do what you gotta do no crying like you know what I mean so he taught

[00:13:20] us to be tough supposedly that's a lot of where my borderline comes from so I think maybe

[00:13:26] a lot of that was comforting myself when I was a kid because I used to cry in my room by myself and

[00:13:31] I never cried in front of my parents you know they had their own things going on because they

[00:13:35] were stressed you know in New York and I just think they grew up that way too not having loving

[00:13:41] parents like that my parents are not the type that'll be lovey-dovey hug and kiss you but my

[00:13:47] daddy'd be like you want to go you want me to go buy you a tattoo let's go get a tattoo

[00:13:51] and like that's his way of showing he loves me right you know what I mean like totally I get it

[00:13:54] with that you know no I get it that makes sense I love that I love that image that I'm having right now

[00:14:01] yeah I go get a tattoo now you want to go get a high screen you can just said you want to get

[00:14:05] a slice of pizza I'm sure I came up too but you chose the tattoo yeah well he'll give me just

[00:14:10] like these random things like I want to go pay for like you know your eyebrows to get done

[00:14:16] all right let's do it I'll take it you know anywhere we can get it of course do you have any

[00:14:22] siblings Kristen I have one brother he's younger he's not affected by this at all he lives a normal

[00:14:29] moved in with his girlfriends got a full-time job he's detached from all of it my situation now

[00:14:34] unfortunately is a lot of my suicidal thoughts now come from my circumstances right now because

[00:14:40] I'm not in the best months right now I know for a fact so you went from suicide not even really

[00:14:47] considering it at all and at some point in your you said maybe late 20s early 30s you start to think

[00:14:54] about it and now you think about it every day that's what you mentioned earlier yeah ideation

[00:15:00] every day do you remember because I think it's a big thing to start to think about suicide

[00:15:04] regardless of what age you are so I realized some people can't pinpoint an exact moment

[00:15:10] you might be able to like do you remember that even though I know you weren't a kid

[00:15:13] the first time I thought about is when I was like a teenager so yeah I do remember it I remember

[00:15:18] being really stressed at work not getting along with my co-workers and being in the break room

[00:15:24] and all of a sudden there's something washed over me and I was like I just don't want to live

[00:15:28] anymore like there was something there I was just like I was like I'm tired I don't want to

[00:15:33] do this anymore like I literally I work I just I was like I don't want to do this anymore

[00:15:38] and I just remember going home and just hysterical crying and being like I don't want to live

[00:15:44] I guess the stress maybe everything just came down on me and just something happened and I

[00:15:49] just was like I don't want to do this anymore this was when I was I want to say I was like

[00:15:54] 24 is okay not a 20 so when you went home to cry were you were you living with your parents

[00:16:00] I was yeah I was I still do did you cry in front of your parents absolutely they saw me cry they don't

[00:16:08] when they hear suicide they're like stop I don't want to hear it and they walk out of the room

[00:16:11] it's not something I could talk about with them you know I don't think they they think that I would

[00:16:16] ever attempt it I really don't I don't think they think it's that serious where I don't think

[00:16:21] they realize that I just turned 39 I tell my psychiatrist every single day by the time I hit 40 if

[00:16:28] life doesn't change for me like I'm out like I'm done I have a plan and everything like and

[00:16:34] she can't say anything she can't put me in the hospital so I'm hoping that it changes that life changes

[00:16:40] because feelings change and life changes something could happen in six months that can be the best

[00:16:45] the year my life you know but I think like that what do you mean she can't put you in the hospital

[00:16:51] because I don't technically have a plan so if you don't have a plan they can't you could say

[00:16:56] I want to commit suicide every single day but if you don't have a plan they can't put you in hospital

[00:17:00] oh I don't know about that I mean I believe you I just have had some different experiences so and

[00:17:04] got it 20s work so that's 15 years ago how do we summarize those 15 years total ups and downs

[00:17:11] they were good times there were times like I said after that I went straight to a doctor

[00:17:16] got to a psychiatrist got put in the hospital this is that this is when you were referencing

[00:17:21] crying in the break room or not wanting to live you go to a doctor you're so you're

[00:17:25] seeing a therapist and you got meds and you went to a hospital well no at first I went to go see a

[00:17:31] general practitioner okay said okay um go see this doctor I'll send you over to a she's psychiatrist

[00:17:38] I went to go see her I told her about this I this was all new to me so I didn't realize when you

[00:17:43] tell them that they're like you're not leaving my office the ambulance is coming like I didn't

[00:17:47] I was like what like I was like everybody gets like feels like that don't they at some time

[00:17:52] and she's like no you're going to the hospital so she sent me to the hospital

[00:17:56] but you just said early I'm not trying to fuck around with you here but didn't you just say

[00:17:59] like four minutes ago you have to have a plan for them to send you to the hospital well I

[00:18:03] basically told her I was like I don't want to live and I will do anything in my power I was like

[00:18:09] I have pills at home okay well then you're a danger to yourself basically so how long you're

[00:18:15] staying in the hospital I was there 14 days where was this Charlotte this was Charlotte

[00:18:20] bonus points for anyone out there please message me if you know the nickname of Charlotte

[00:18:24] I'm not gonna get away okay I'm not gonna either so yeah let's just say if you're familiar with

[00:18:29] the boroughs of New York that could be a good hint yes that's a very good hint

[00:18:34] we always got to bring it back to New York Kristen so I know also people are probably

[00:18:37] also wondering this because that's why they want to hear the suicide note about this

[00:18:42] Kristen and I are probably like two and a half hours away from each other yeah I'd say

[00:18:46] so you're in the hospital for 14 days does it help at all it does actually it does I was afraid

[00:18:52] because I'm like God knows who my roommate's gonna be you know everybody gets scared you know who knows

[00:18:57] it people violent you know that's a scary situation just they haven't researched you I don't know if

[00:19:02] they did that to you in the hospital they they literally stripped me down and they

[00:19:07] they searched me all over actually when I was leaving after those 12 days 14 days when I was

[00:19:13] leaving I actually was like scared to leave because I felt like this security blanket you know what I

[00:19:17] mean I was actually scared she's like well we stabilize you and then it's your choice to go

[00:19:22] and you know figure it out yourself you know and I was I had a pretty good experience I can't

[00:19:27] lie it wasn't bad great and then you leave did you just go home you just go home that's it

[00:19:32] yeah you just go home you just thought your life again I saw I got home and I was feeling so

[00:19:37] much better you know and then you know I was just getting the job again doing everything life

[00:19:41] was back to normal take my medication and then of course it's what everybody else does which is the

[00:19:47] one number thing they say don't do when you feel good do not stop taking your medication because

[00:19:52] you will end up right back here because the reason that's why you feel good is because your medication

[00:19:58] yeah and what the medication might allow you to do that you can't do off of it like exercise

[00:20:02] more or whatever it might be do you remember about when you stopped taking the medication

[00:20:07] and it maybe it went south about six months later and did you lie to your therapist about that

[00:20:13] kind of yeah I did I did and of course she's like okay we'll try something new and then I tried

[00:20:18] something new and then the first you know in the beginning you know they're rough I was like I

[00:20:22] don't want to take these I was like I don't want to take these for the rest of my life I

[00:20:25] don't want to be dependent on it you know so I thought I was like better I was like I could

[00:20:29] fight this you know I could fight that I don't need meds and I and then sure enough

[00:20:33] here goes Kristen back to the hospital so you went to that hospital number two

[00:20:38] number two different hospital it's whatever bed they have opened yeah so um the second hospital was

[00:20:45] five days that kept me and that one was a little bit scary I'll be honest they sent me all the

[00:20:50] way to hickory which is like 45 minutes away but from Charlotte to Hickory is a little rough

[00:20:57] if you know what I mean um it's just there's a different vibe there I'm suggesting like

[00:21:03] banjo music type vibe so I was like there and I'm like okay this is kind of scary the building was

[00:21:09] scary like everything was like okay I'm not used to this but it's they again it stabilized me so I

[00:21:16] can't say too much bad about it I guess you went there by choice no it's never when I never

[00:21:22] went by choice all my hospital stays and I have three of them but I've never went by choice so the

[00:21:27] second one doctor sent you doctor sent me again five days come out then I stay good like that for a

[00:21:34] good a good like seven to eight years I was good wow really good yeah I was good um I was keeping

[00:21:40] up with everything exercising um going out having friends and all that time two hospital stays

[00:21:46] probably a fair amount of ideating yeah you haven't actually attempted correct at that point no

[00:21:52] no not really um it was more like ideation like okay this is what I if I was going to do it this is how

[00:21:58] I would do it yeah when you would think about it before that third time like was it always the same

[00:22:03] method yeah always the same yeah and I tried to do a lot of research and all that I know that pills

[00:22:08] are really one of the worst methods you could do first of all a lot of them half the time do

[00:22:12] not work second time I know people throw up and a lot of the times what happens with that is that

[00:22:19] my my biggest fear is the suicide failure sure like gophabit you try to commit suicide and you fail

[00:22:26] that's scary that's even worse than the suicide I mean that's bad pills would be it pills but

[00:22:33] a tweak to it uh I don't know I'm not going to say because I don't want to give any ideas

[00:22:37] where'd you learn about it this was nip top the pretty intense show it's about plastic surgeons

[00:22:41] but it's like really like triple x kind of things I saw it in the show she had to answer

[00:22:47] whoa wait wait if nip talk can talk about it why the fuck can't die then go ahead talk about it I mean

[00:22:53] it if you feel comfortable nip talk which is available unlike netflix yeah it's on fx it's on

[00:23:00] cable tv literally can can talk about the details of a met suicidal method yes surely the suicide

[00:23:07] noted podcast yes kind as well yes although the network or however that works probably has an

[00:23:16] amazing lawyer and I don't I can only imagine because to show that scene I would never thought of that

[00:23:23] myself not like that's something you should think about but I wouldn't never thought of

[00:23:27] something like that and I was like shocked they even showed that the music question I'm curious

[00:23:32] so when things are getting really rough and you're like I'm out I can't deal with this

[00:23:36] anymore I'm too tired like why choose a method that is more likely to not work you know what I think

[00:23:42] it was a cry for help mostly because you know you know they say when you do suicide you don't really

[00:23:48] want to die you just want the pain to end so I think it was a cry for help and I didn't know how

[00:23:52] to get help at that point you know because I've never had it before I never had anyone in my

[00:23:58] family have it or like I didn't know where to even go first I've had these conversations

[00:24:02] and I think just based on those that's really all I can talk about from those it's interesting when

[00:24:08] I've asked people about a past attempt yeah and I'll say things like I wish it had worked or I

[00:24:16] really did want to die like I don't always think it's just a cry for help or even just

[00:24:22] quote wanting the pain to go I actually think not a tiny percentage of people

[00:24:26] absolutely want to die I don't think I ever really did I think it was always just cries for help I

[00:24:33] really do it's almost like a situation like if it worked I'd be okay with the two like I'm not

[00:24:38] afraid of dying so does that make sense maybe like like if it worked I would be okay yeah the

[00:24:45] pain would be away but it's such a permanent decision that like the third like we'll get to it

[00:24:50] like you said third time I really did want to be gone but the first two times I think

[00:24:54] would just a cry for help so that makes me think when you say a cry for help that there was no help

[00:24:59] for you right I didn't know where to go you know I would go to my general practitioner she gave me

[00:25:04] anti-depressants and I was like after a couple months I would just stop taking them and then

[00:25:08] back to square one again you know back to square one and she was like do you ever think maybe

[00:25:12] I bipolar you should go and I couldn't afford a psychiatrist so I'm like all right so what do I

[00:25:17] do keep coming here like I had no way out like I I didn't know about hospitalizations you

[00:25:22] know I didn't know about that stuff so it's nothing I ever thought about because I never had these

[00:25:27] feelings before so this was all new to me yeah and no one around you knew enough to share

[00:25:35] more right about it nobody nobody helped what's interesting is is this is um and people might

[00:25:41] in more like less urban areas might be annoyed at my comment here but um you're in a fairly

[00:25:45] urban area there are a lot of doctors there are some resources there are things that your

[00:25:51] general practitioner or others could have rather easily at least pointed you in the right direction

[00:25:56] so right whatever that it's not to blame anybody it's just right just an interesting dynamic

[00:26:01] yeah um they failed me I think in that sense I think but at the same time you know a general

[00:26:07] practitioner I don't think is equipped for that you know because she doesn't know so she's like

[00:26:12] all right and I can't afford it so like okay so what do you do you know like I just stayed on

[00:26:17] anti-depressant then there were times for like a couple months I was off anti-depressants for

[00:26:21] like six months and I was fine some triggered it and then back to square you know it just kept

[00:26:26] going on and it was just like a never ending cycle was there anything like externally or

[00:26:31] perhaps internally that would tend to trigger it it was really should break up yeah that triggered

[00:26:35] it and the move triggered it too so do you think 9-11 has anything to do with it I said

[00:26:40] I'll just mention that she said you know that trauma that you haven't really gone through

[00:26:44] you never she's like you never worked through that and I was like you know 9-11 happened and my

[00:26:49] parents literally were in it and I was in I was in high school and I remember walking home that day

[00:26:55] seeing the flames walking to my aunt's house and like it didn't work like I never got like

[00:27:01] realizing that my father was like two seconds away from dying it just we never talked about

[00:27:06] it ever again like nobody in this house talked about it and my dad saw his boss jump out the

[00:27:11] window I mean that was his flaw literally my parents literally were like right there that was

[00:27:17] my dad's flaw my mom worked right down the block to like buildings away so they couldn't get in touch

[00:27:24] with each other so they were like in the rubble running finding each other then they found each

[00:27:29] other then they went across in the Brooklyn bridge they went to my grandma's house in Brooklyn

[00:27:34] they couldn't get a cab the whole thing was like you know I was in school nobody could get

[00:27:38] taught you were probably understand to nobody could call anybody it was like a it was Mayhem

[00:27:43] because when I first heard it you know living in New York like you hear that a lot like oh plain

[00:27:48] maybe it's just a mistake something that was an accident you don't think that

[00:27:52] are parents both alive both alive yes still married and everything so oh nice yeah but certain

[00:27:58] things they don't talk about they we don't talk about any feelings or emotions or anything in this

[00:28:03] house at all my dad just doesn't know how to handle it he was raised that way like you push everything

[00:28:08] under the rug right and my mom gets like you're making me you put too much stress on me I can't

[00:28:13] handle it please stop I don't know how to help you and then she gets mad so I wind up being

[00:28:18] isolated by myself and your brother's not your brother's not around right he doesn't live here

[00:28:23] and I have no friends no boyfriend I don't have a job right now I don't drive so I'm like in this

[00:28:29] shit storm of like a life right now couple dogs couple dogs you said your parents and if I'm wrong

[00:28:36] here like if I misunderstood something like they don't do the emotions and the feelings it's this

[00:28:41] more like fighting or yelling but that's emotions and feelings yeah yeah I guess yeah I guess the

[00:28:48] emotions and feelings are more like me my dad are the same type of person so we butt heads

[00:28:53] so I think it's more of the emotions of like yeah yeah I guess you're right he'll just give me life

[00:28:59] advice like I was in the streets like this is street advice and this is what you're gonna do and this

[00:29:04] is it oh he's like I'm going upstairs go in your room and go you know wallowing your pity because

[00:29:09] you should be stronger than that like you're letting shit get to you that shouldn't and he'll

[00:29:15] try to give me advice he'll be like listen you know what like life's not gonna be you know good

[00:29:19] every day there's gonna be problems but you know what you gotta you gotta man up and like not be so

[00:29:24] weak he gives me good advice but it's like it comes from a place where it almost sounds like

[00:29:30] yelling at me advice yeah it's chaos you know it's like do this and that blah blah blah you know

[00:29:36] and it's like all right dad you know whatever especially statin islander yeah oh it's it's

[00:29:42] chaos nonstop even my dogs you hear it's chaos nonstop which is interesting just people have

[00:29:46] like a visual of all the five boroughs which is essentially a county that make up new york city

[00:29:52] yeah that island is one of them and you say it's all chaos but actually if you were to just

[00:29:56] look at it and be there it's the most it's the least urban if you want to sum up statin island

[00:30:02] you people think like like when i moved down they're like oh you had trees and a backyard and

[00:30:06] the sound like no my backyard was a train station like it was a train like people don't

[00:30:11] understand like statin island is not it's either it's either like really big big houses people

[00:30:17] have a lot of money on stand a lot of cash very few apartment very few i mean it's statin italy

[00:30:22] i mean 90 percent of statin island is a town i mean i went to school with everybody who's a town

[00:30:27] i went to townville high school i went to st john's so i want to be an attorney because i like to

[00:30:32] fight st john's is a university and many of you know this in queens if you were listening

[00:30:37] earlier if you were listening earlier and wondering what the nickname of charlotte is i will move you

[00:30:42] nudge you in that direction more importantly you went there to study pre-law because in part

[00:30:49] you like to fight and i am going to say did you finish um well i came down when i came to charlotte

[00:30:55] i took a year off because i had to do out of state tuition which was extreme expensive

[00:31:00] so then i went to uncc and i i got my paralegal certificate thinking of going back to school

[00:31:06] for an attorney but i feel like i don't know if i have it in me now i'm kind of like i like the

[00:31:13] paralegal thing i wanted to try that before i really invest into being an attorney was i right

[00:31:21] or i could have been totally wrong st john's in new york because there's a st john's down in charlotte

[00:31:25] yeah no it was st john's statin island it's the sister school the one in queens it's just

[00:31:30] for like only three topics it's either it was funeral planning this is perfect you can't make this

[00:31:36] shit up so there's three things you can study on the sort of satellite campus of st john's the first

[00:31:41] one again is what funeral planning oh wait this one sorry teaching law okay all right so the other

[00:31:48] three standard stuff i just love that the first one you said there was a priest like on campus that

[00:31:55] you could always do a confession it was strictly like catholic like full blown you couldn't make it up

[00:32:01] literally you could not make this up if you try it's called st john's so yeah there's gonna be at least

[00:32:07] one priest roaming around yeah you would think right yeah this is kind of a confession though i

[00:32:12] think yeah yeah it's a sort of kind of confessional i'm not a priest by the way i didn't think you

[00:32:18] are am i yeah no i don't usually get confused for one that would have been an interesting career

[00:32:24] choice very very would have been a huge change for me but anyway i digress were you doing the

[00:32:28] paralegal work or is that something you may do in the future um i was doing it for a little bit

[00:32:33] and then um that's when i started getting sick and i couldn't keep up with the hours and it started

[00:32:39] getting too much and then and then i was a criminal criminal defense and um i would see things

[00:32:45] that would disturb me and i would kind of it would trigger a lot in me so i was like it's

[00:32:51] a career that i love but i kind of was like i would have to do something very like maybe real

[00:32:57] estate one or some type of paralegal but i did love doing paralegal i have a question i don't

[00:33:02] think i've ever asked before i have no idea why it's popped in my mind yeah sure do you have any

[00:33:07] childhood friends that you keep in touch with not one no no i lost them all unfortunately no

[00:33:13] and i had a ton of friends up until i moved they even visited me here and everything and we

[00:33:17] just life happens you know people get married they're lost touch and so that was that's part of you know

[00:33:23] part of my sad situation i got going on now too so i lost a lot of them what happens

[00:33:28] after the second hospital stay well with two and three like i said i was okay for a while then

[00:33:34] they put me on a medicine i was on well butrin it could it could be great for some people but

[00:33:39] it could be bad for others i was on well butrin and it sent me into a spiral like a mixed

[00:33:45] episode to no end like i literally was going to jump in the lake like i live in a lake area

[00:33:50] like i wanted to die like i was like i'm gonna go walk into that lake like i sat on a bench outside

[00:33:55] my house and i was walking around my block my parents will follow me in the car and i was like

[00:34:01] i literally don't i can't do this i'm done like i'm this is it i'm gone and i was walking up

[00:34:06] to the lake about to go drown myself in the lake my parents like got me out of the water

[00:34:12] your parents are following you in the car right because i'm walking around the neighborhood

[00:34:18] because i'm like i couldn't i ate so much of this energy that i was like walking around the

[00:34:23] neighborhood and they're like please just come home come to the hospital bring to the hospital

[00:34:26] help i just started running to the to the ends of where um the lake starts and i just jumped in

[00:34:33] and it was freezing cold it was like february i was like maybe i'll die of hypothermia you

[00:34:38] know maybe something like that and uh they got me from the water some other guy had seen that and

[00:34:43] they he came over to help and called the police so they took me to a psychiatrist's office out of

[00:34:49] all places not a hospital psychiatrist's office and the psychiatrist was like i'm putting an order in

[00:34:55] that 72-hour holds and i'm writing you in and if you don't go we're gonna arrest you so basically

[00:35:01] that's how they put me into yeah that's how that's how they handled it i don't understand why

[00:35:06] maybe the cop didn't know what they were doing but that's how they handled it the word they used as

[00:35:11] best you can recall is arrest arrest basically they put me in handcuffs they arrested me because i was

[00:35:17] gonna do harm to them or myself oh of course were you gonna do harm to them no no i didn't think so

[00:35:25] okay i wasn't i mean i'm literally five foot one i mean 125 what am i gonna do punch you in

[00:35:31] the face like i'm not gonna do nothing you like sound you knew sound kind of tough i mean yeah i could

[00:35:36] probably kick your ass but i'm not gonna grab his guy i was gonna grab his gun and start shooting at

[00:35:41] him is it true though if you took a swing or two and your dad would be like out of girl oh my dad

[00:35:46] would have freaking help me with all this like let me take her in the car like i'm not gonna

[00:35:50] take all i'll take her to the hospital why you gotta wrestle like that like don't embarrass

[00:35:54] i'm like you're doing this in front of my mother i'm like my dad's like let us just

[00:35:57] take a we're not gonna trick you he's like let us just take a tell the freaking thing you

[00:36:01] don't need to rest how to do this like it's so mortifying how they treat it's insane it's really

[00:36:06] insane so then the cop was like all right well i'll let your parents take you but we're gonna check on

[00:36:12] you later yeah come to the house and check on you which i know they do that and my dad said they

[00:36:17] did they came to the house later on and i was already in the emergency room because they check

[00:36:22] you and they wait for a bed and then all that and then that's how i got put into the hospital

[00:36:26] that third time given what you shared about your parents this far i mean yeah between the following

[00:36:32] you getting you out of the lake all that happens after that driving you to the hospital but obviously

[00:36:37] they know you've been in the hospital a couple times you're living with i mean they know a lot

[00:36:41] but that must have been an interesting i they never expected that i don't think they

[00:36:46] it registers to them i think it's something more denial than anything never talked about it since

[00:36:51] no never no like i'll try to talk i'm like i told my my mother the other day i said you know

[00:36:56] if my life isn't changed by 40 i'm done she's like i don't want to hear this i don't want to hear this

[00:37:01] but you know if if you feel the pain is going to end that way then what am i gonna do i can't

[00:37:06] stop you that's my mother's way of thinking about it so is that good is that bad i don't know

[00:37:11] you know it's and then my dad's like there's no suicide in this house i'm not talking about

[00:37:14] any slayms the door and goes in his room so that's the dynamic of this house

[00:37:19] there you go to the hospital it's in davidson which is 10 minutes away from my house not banjo no banjo

[00:37:25] music no but no davidson was like top notch you had your own shit i mean you had it was top notch

[00:37:31] how was the care it was great it really was they helped me tremendously and i've been not in

[00:37:36] the hospital since then and they spend five seven years now and in that time until today

[00:37:41] because of what you shared earlier you're getting new diagnoses sometimes today as we speak there

[00:37:47] five but you're not sure about all of them you're on five meds i know it's it has to have

[00:37:52] changed over the year right well you just the process oh it's i've been on 30 meds 30 different meds

[00:37:58] wow from the well-beach trend i also had seizures so i broke my face like three times hence the

[00:38:04] nose job that's why recently i've had on everything um i look like i went 10 rounds around

[00:38:10] like tyson because i just had that last week i don't know if i told you i just had a nose

[00:38:14] job this week you didn't use the word nose job i had rhinoplasty i broke my jaw i broke my chin

[00:38:19] from the seizures from the well-beach you'd be surprised how many people have things that you

[00:38:24] don't even realize like first of all seizures like that they terrifying i mean that's terrifying

[00:38:29] and i mean what a way that's horrible you know that's so sad like what a way to go i mean i

[00:38:35] mean there are people have seizures every single day literally and it's horrible horrible i always

[00:38:40] go back to thinking about something like that pretty a lot of things where it's like having someone in

[00:38:46] your home big difference if you're trying to do this shit alone having seizures and you hit your head

[00:38:52] yes that's a huge problem if someone's around they could immediately call you know so i go also

[00:38:58] back to all this connection because it just applies to me so i'm a selfish son of a bitch no that's

[00:39:03] what happened to me i understand that 100 because but that's what happened to me too like i hit

[00:39:09] my head on the glass i hit my head on the on the concrete floor and if my parents weren't there

[00:39:14] they wanted to call nine nine more who knows how long it would have been laying on the floor like that

[00:39:19] like you said but isolation is also something that yeah god forbid if you know just to be

[00:39:24] clear you jumping in the lake is the attempt is the attempt yes you said it was pretty good

[00:39:29] experience in this fancy luxury hotel mental hospital for eight days five six seven years ago

[00:39:36] you've been taking your meds or at least you are now yes you were looking up recently podcast with

[00:39:42] the word suicide and it because you think about it every day yeah i have suicidal ideation yeah

[00:39:47] constantly and a plan if god forbid i'm hoping that i don't have to come to that but yeah i mean

[00:39:53] there would be a plan i mean i say it maybe maybe i'm just saying it because sometimes it feels like

[00:39:59] a way out like almost like an option like well if this doesn't work out there's always that

[00:40:03] you know kind of thing i hope i don't have to come to that because i don't want to die

[00:40:08] i just want my life to get better and i want the pain to end because i'm not in the best

[00:40:13] you know like i said circumstances and i'm not living the life i should be living i feel at my age

[00:40:19] you know i see people and you know they say never compare but how can you not you see people

[00:40:24] getting married having kids and i'm like you know sitting here like you know why do i deserve

[00:40:29] to have this and these people don't have and you know it's sometimes it's feels like it's not fair

[00:40:34] kind of you know it definitely is not fair not yeah why 40 is it because that's the that's the

[00:40:40] back to the age or it's just soon 40 is the age that if you haven't accomplished what you want

[00:40:44] to accomplish in life i know 40s young it really it's not old i just feel like i should have

[00:40:49] accomplished what i should have accomplished by 40 at least you know like the family um job my own

[00:40:56] place a car my house i feel like i should be having kids having a family working having a husband

[00:41:03] having a boyfriend at least something what's the reason why maybe this sounds a little silly but

[00:41:09] what's the reason right now that you're unable to uh work well basically a lot of the reason is

[00:41:17] it's hard for me to do a full-time job i'll be out because of the stress and everything

[00:41:21] you get stuck taking these part-time jobs unfortunately you can't pay bills with part-time jobs

[00:41:26] and as much as you want to you can't i've tried to get disability which is the most

[00:41:32] i mean mental illness this is my fifth time with an attorney and we're actually appealing it

[00:41:37] because the attorney lied under oath so i actually have appeal going that's going to take another

[00:41:43] year i have to work at this time so even if i have these part-time jobs i can't afford an

[00:41:48] apartment i can't but my brother has a full-time job he could hardly afford really have you know

[00:41:52] things are expensive especially now you put out applications and you put this out you put that

[00:41:57] out and it's like only so many things you can do and i feel like i have roadblocks in a way where

[00:42:03] i don't drive and it's not a friendly city where i can like get on a train like new york and just

[00:42:09] get to the city like you have to have like some type uber or you gotta have some way to get

[00:42:14] some place so you have no car or you can't drive no i had a d y 13 years ago i'm not going to get

[00:42:21] into it um but it was a basically small boys town club and i was set up put it that way

[00:42:28] car accident happened in two houses down from my house my next door neighbor was a little

[00:42:32] tenant a little police department i mean really i can't get my license back unless

[00:42:36] they put a breathalyzer on the car to do that first of all you have to pay for the

[00:42:40] own breathalyzer you have to pay every month for it you have to have it on for a year i got the book

[00:42:45] thrown at me 13 years ago you have a d y and you still have obstacles driving legally is what i'm

[00:42:51] saying yeah because i can't get my license back right man we are such a punitive fucking country

[00:42:57] i paid my dues did everything i had to do i was set up and i had a public defender not knowing

[00:43:03] which if i would know it was a shit show if you were seeing this it was a shit show

[00:43:07] i had three bs literally um i got into a car accident it wasn't even like a drunk i literally

[00:43:13] got into a car accident because there was a cat crossing the road on my block i swerved and

[00:43:18] i hit a mailbox so they take me up to d y broke my ankle the the cop who came showing up at the

[00:43:25] thing it was her husband i used to date him then four hours later they take me to a place

[00:43:31] to get a breathalyzer again four hours later my top my levels go up four hours later now how does

[00:43:37] that happen when they just rub purell all over the breathalyzer thing which is 90 alcohol isn't it

[00:43:44] that works in their favor doesn't it right the judge that was in the courtroom that day

[00:43:49] should have not he had a trial against him because he was letting all d y's go so everybody

[00:43:54] in that courtroom had the d y had a d y because he was in trouble he shouldn't have been on that

[00:43:59] bench that day because he was getting in trouble for letting people go with all these d y's so he

[00:44:04] should have not been on that bench that day so yeah and the statute limitations are on now

[00:44:09] i can't fight that so that's my options and i drive my parents car my parents are not putting

[00:44:14] a breathalyzer on their car why should they they shouldn't have to do that i can't buy a car

[00:44:19] because i need a breathalyzer how am i going to do all this oh wow jesus so basically these days

[00:44:24] what do you do with your time literally when i tell you you're gonna be like this girl i don't

[00:44:28] know how she's still i uh exercise every day which i try to do that's but i feel like that's part of

[00:44:34] my prescription it's very good it's very very good and i literally just watch tv go to bed do the same

[00:44:40] thing the next day and that's it go to doctor's appointments and that's my life right now if i

[00:44:44] get disability or something i want to go back to school you know i'm looking for jobs right now

[00:44:50] boyfriend as far as that goes i feel like nothing to offer as of right now so like okay what do

[00:44:55] i do with that friends are hard to make you know very yeah but she had a certain age you know

[00:45:02] yep how many people know we're talking uh just my mom your mom knows she knows she wants to listen

[00:45:08] i'm like mom are you really you sure you really want to listen to this she's like yeah i do actually

[00:45:12] that's pretty cool that's pretty cool right yeah for some reason wasn't expecting that right

[00:45:16] yeah how many people do you have in your life to talk to you about things that might even

[00:45:21] include suicide or thinking about it nobody nobody not even your doctor my psychiatrist only gives

[00:45:30] pills she doesn't she'll give me advice because she's sweet woman but she doesn't that's not her field

[00:45:35] you know and psychologists they're like booked out forever and each appointment's like $250

[00:45:41] 300 i don't have that type and you got to go once a week so this they should have like groups

[00:45:46] like a anonymous they should have groups i try to look for groups too you got to pay for the groups

[00:45:51] which i did and the groups are like quintuple google handouts i'm like this is not what i'm looking

[00:45:57] for like i want people to be in the same situation that i can we have something in common with like

[00:46:02] have a sponsor maybe or have someone to talk to just a text body somebody you know have you

[00:46:08] thought about killing yourself today no no not today that's been looking out so is it really

[00:46:15] yeah i mean i haven't really thought about it i'm gonna think about it um wait wait wait you said

[00:46:20] earlier that do you think about it every day i do think about it every day but this past week i mean

[00:46:25] i i guess what i've been so into my nose that i haven't really thought about it you know what

[00:46:30] i mean so i think i've just been so distracted by the vinyl plastic that actually helped me a

[00:46:35] little bit because it took my mind off my mental state were you able to say like look i know i

[00:46:40] need this because i fell but i'd kind of like my nose to look like this you know what it was

[00:46:45] it was like you go to an ear nose and throat therapy you know how like old school used to say

[00:46:49] oh i have a deviated septum yeah so i've always wanted nose jobs since i was like 16 but i really did

[00:46:55] break my nose like three times you know i went to an ear nose and throat doctor and i told her i said

[00:47:00] you know my nose i can't breathe out of it and um i said i also don't really like to shape too

[00:47:05] much this or that she's like okay she's like well this is not cosmetic right i'll put you down

[00:47:11] as having that done she's like we're gonna put into medicaid because i just got medicaid

[00:47:16] because north carolina put in the state that people could get medicaid now

[00:47:20] she put in they approved it and i got it done within two weeks and then of course you know

[00:47:25] it's been a week so of course i'm not happy with the results yet because i still look like i'm

[00:47:30] you know black eyes and all over it says it takes two to four months to heal so

[00:47:35] so that was kind of exciting for me so i was like a little bit excitement yeah yeah something's

[00:47:39] going on how many people other than your the people you've mentioned know about that attempt at the lake

[00:47:47] uh just my parents and my doctor so you don't talk about it i don't talk about it no no i would be

[00:47:54] open to it like if i was if a hospital was like would you want to share your attempt or whatever

[00:47:59] i would go and volunteer and talk to people and i would definitely do something like that

[00:48:03] people could really like learn a lot about it you know i think it's people it should be

[00:48:08] talked about a lot more it really should you know it's one of those things that it's taboo and

[00:48:13] you know a lot of people's religion too it's it's um um roman catholic so it's a mortal sin

[00:48:19] a lot of people believe that i mean there's a lot of people that they go up people just weak or

[00:48:24] self it like selfish to me that drives me nuts it that's the it's the opposite of selfish i mean

[00:48:29] that's that's so wrong when people say that you know i don't agree with that one did you ever

[00:48:34] think back to the lake and think god i wish that had worked yeah some days some days you're roman

[00:48:40] catholic i am we used to go to church constantly um we stopped doing that so much but i do pray the

[00:48:46] rosary because i feel like that helps and i do believe in a higher spirit but i don't go to

[00:48:51] church like normally or confession when i first got in the hospital my father went to talk to

[00:48:56] a priest and they're like oh she'll get over she'll get over they didn't really do much consoling

[00:49:02] or anything so my dad's like i don't really after the whole you know thing with the church it's he's

[00:49:08] like i'm a little bit you know but i guess someone i'm also i guess one of the reasons i asked that was

[00:49:16] if you take your life actually or just die maybe it's another way but particularly if you take

[00:49:21] your life are you going to hell i believe it i do i think i believe that so you will be in

[00:49:27] god gave you a life and like you took it away from yourself i think i also feel that if there's a god

[00:49:32] why would he put people do so much pain to look at it that way too you know i'm into religion but

[00:49:38] i'm not a diehard religious you know when is your birthday october 6 march april may june july

[00:49:47] august september october i believe nine months away yes if it doesn't get better by 40 nine

[00:49:54] months away yeah you are how likely to end your life a lot of things don't change i'm going at a six

[00:50:02] right now they say there's one decision away from diversity of life changing i can meet someone next

[00:50:08] week and you know by october my birthday i could be moving to a house and i mean you know you'd

[00:50:13] have to come back and talk to me probably in september and october probably september i would

[00:50:18] really know a couple more questions does anything help other than exercise and your dogs reading

[00:50:25] helps a lot reading uh journaling i think journaling helps a lot to get your feelings out even little

[00:50:31] things like sitting in the sun cuddling with my dogs you know stuff like that helps a lot you

[00:50:37] know it really does what kind of dogs um one's a toy poodle who's got the biggest mouth on

[00:50:42] and uh one's a have a co that's louis and max stan island okay louis max of course it's louis

[00:50:49] and max yeah so any myths or misconceptions you'd like to dispel like i said the misconception is

[00:50:56] just the stereotypical the way people think that they a person should look at their suicidal

[00:51:02] like they should look or feel a certain way have a certain attitude like you see these ones on tv

[00:51:07] that are angry at the world and are wearing all these black clothes and are sitting and drunk

[00:51:12] you know it's it doesn't have a look like i love to wear makeup and you know my louis vitan and this

[00:51:19] and that and i go to work and i can have friends in the center it doesn't mean i'm not going to

[00:51:23] come home and want to commit suicide every night you know i that's a myth that i think a lot of

[00:51:28] people don't realize like the person who's working in a job that you would absolutely love or a

[00:51:34] marriage you would love you don't know this situation they could be looking smiling on the

[00:51:38] outside on the inside they want to they want to die they're in pain that's a big misconception

[00:51:43] you know yeah big big big big and also just side note when i put on makeup and wear my louis

[00:51:49] vitan i actually do pretty much better often but like that's that's not what this podcast is about

[00:51:54] all right final question i have and then of course you can add anything you want it's

[00:51:57] the pink and purple pill question okay do you know what that one is no i haven't heard that

[00:52:01] okay great not great but so i give you a pill you can hold on to it you could flush down the

[00:52:06] toilet or you could take it and what this pill does one it will kill you and you will be in zero

[00:52:11] pain none and everyone they'll think it's just an unfortunate natural death will you take the pill

[00:52:18] or would you save the pill or would you get rid of the pill i wouldn't take it that day but

[00:52:23] would i save it absolutely yes definitely save it so your 40th birthday for my 40th birthday

[00:52:29] having such clarity about it does that scare you yeah it does it does it really does scam me

[00:52:35] because i don't want to technically die i don't i just want my situation to change and i feel like

[00:52:41] if it doesn't and i've tried all i can do there's no other way out that's my only other option

[00:52:47] it hasn't changed in such a long time that i don't want to keep back and forth my whole

[00:52:51] life back and forth they'll sit near or 60 so sitting here saying well i should you know

[00:52:57] i'll try to dig myself out of a hole and i feel like there's more shit piled on top where i'm like

[00:53:02] what do you want me to do at this point you know and everyone's always like oh there's ways there's

[00:53:07] with you know there's always ways you can do this there's always ways you can do that and

[00:53:11] but sometimes they're literally isn't you're talking you're preaching to the choir and not

[00:53:15] necessarily a catholic one but it doesn't matter yeah you know what i think i just figured

[00:53:21] out something literally digging yourself out of a hole doesn't work that's the whole point of saying

[00:53:26] the expression right you wouldn't dig yourself you would dig a hole you wouldn't dig yourself

[00:53:30] out of a hole you would do the opposite how would you dig yourself how would you dig yourself

[00:53:34] literally out of a hole now maybe you could go like traverse it but i feel like an earth would

[00:53:40] just you know what you're right we just debunked something really big here today because that's a

[00:53:45] big expression like dig yourself out of a hole but yes yeah you really can't you really can't

[00:53:51] take yourself out of a hole you're literally asking somebody to do something that's not

[00:53:55] possible not like 99 percent you know what that just made me thought that just made me think of

[00:54:00] something like that like you can't dig yourself out of a hole so how do you expect me to kind of

[00:54:05] do it wow okay how do you expect me to dig myself out of a hole if it's physically impossible

[00:54:10] it's like not possible and if we're using christin as an example like it's not saying

[00:54:15] she can't dig with the shovel she's physically capable of doing that we're saying christin is

[00:54:20] doing what you're telling her to do she's digging into the hole because she's listening to what you're

[00:54:26] saying and the hole just gets deeper by by definition you know what that should not even be a phrase

[00:54:31] that's used anymore i'm not using that anymore that was that was life changing for me right now

[00:54:36] glad i could offer something with such an effect so now i'm not using that anymore now i'm gonna

[00:54:42] spend a lot of time thinking about other expressions people use and if they don't make any sense

[00:54:48] pull yourself up by your first one what's a bootstrap a strap that's on your boot like laces right

[00:54:55] right a laces now i don't know if the laces are untied or tied no matter what you do with the straps

[00:55:01] and or laces how would you pull yourself up all you would be doing is pulling your boots tighter

[00:55:07] how is you how are you going up i'm imagining someone they're pulling their bootstops really

[00:55:13] hard they might break number one but then also and it might hurt their feet or their ankles

[00:55:18] then they would just fall over so i think we just debunked another one it's another thing that makes

[00:55:23] zero sense i also think we should do this on every episode we really should because you know what we

[00:55:29] could debunk so many things i mean we could be in the Guinness World Record for like debunking

[00:55:33] things if you think of any will you message me oh absolutely because you know what that is so

[00:55:38] interesting because there are so many phrases that people say and i'm like i never really

[00:55:43] thought about them if i hear that i'll be like wait a minute wait a minute me and chan we're

[00:55:46] talking and i have to tell you something please please i've gotta think of yet you know what i'm

[00:55:51] gonna think of more because my dad has a bunch of room yeah he's got a bunch of room i gotta

[00:55:55] ask him about those i want to be there i can't be of course uh more like flying the wall when the

[00:56:01] day comes if the day ever comes where your dad says either of those two expressions we were

[00:56:06] just examining i'm literally going to like the minute i get off this call like i'm gonna go

[00:56:12] call my dad and be like listen we need to talk about something because i was having a discussion

[00:56:17] and we please tell me what he says so when the podcast comes out are you gonna listen

[00:56:24] absolutely i don't want to hear my voice without cringe yeah better listen absolutely yeah dad no

[00:56:31] no no dad no not on that one mom yes dad no brother you can listen i'll give him the link

[00:56:38] absolutely i don't want to share too much you know what i mean put too much up because i don't

[00:56:43] trust too many people with that people sometimes they can do stuff against you i'm not very trusting

[00:56:50] of people with that stuff yeah for sure sounds like you trust me at least i hope that's why

[00:56:56] i want to come on the podcast because i think it's a great what you do i think it's it's

[00:57:00] really really good what you do i think it helps a lot of people and um i think it's great you

[00:57:06] take the time to really do this i really do really you're doing a really great job i do thank you you're

[00:57:12] very welcome yeah and i thank you for for joining me and having the yeah fun absolutely the word let's

[00:57:19] see what would be like a statin island word encourages the word i was gonna say but what would

[00:57:24] we say in statin island like if something's really good or what i would be like that's mint

[00:57:29] that's so old i don't mean that i mean more like you have a lot of there's a word about the

[00:57:35] fact that you were willing to talk about it and you talked about a lot of balls all right a lot of

[00:57:41] women are gonna be annoyed at that one but too bad no i'm trying to think like uh i'm not jewish at all

[00:57:46] but they would say like you got a lot of hochba for me it'd be like you got a lot of ball do you

[00:57:50] want to add anything else to talk about anything else before we get back to our uh our lives

[00:57:55] oh my wonderful life um now i mean everything is that's it i mean i think we we had a good podcast

[00:58:01] i had a lot of fun uh thank you guys for all the right questions and um you don't have to take

[00:58:06] anything out i mean i can everybody can hear and hopefully i get to talk to some people they

[00:58:11] could learn some things and i hope so no not feel so alone definitely will happen often i do this

[00:58:18] thing when i'm talking to people where they'll say something i'm like oh my god if you ever

[00:58:22] write a memoir that would be a good title in my mind but in your case i want to ask you

[00:58:27] what your memoir title might be if you should ever write one i was gonna write a memoir the life that

[00:58:33] shouldn't have been shouldn't have been shouldn't have been i don't know if that makes sense but

[00:58:38] it feel like the life that shouldn't have been doesn't need to make sense to me it needs to make

[00:58:43] sense to the publishers so if you're out there she'll gladly accept a hundred thousand dollars

[00:58:48] from your publishing company to write her memoir before her 40th birthday can we agree to that

[00:58:53] yes because that's a lot of fucking work in nine months but i think you can do it it's a lot

[00:58:57] i could do it you know what i got the time so let's i don't know any publishers unfortunately

[00:59:02] but oh yeah you know me me neither but we try thanks again i really appreciate it christmas

[00:59:09] no problem thank you for having me on and yeah i hope your day is decent at least easy thank you

[00:59:15] thanks all right all right bye as always thanks so much for listening and all of your support

[00:59:23] special thanks to christin in north carolina thanks christin if you are a suicide attempt survivor

[00:59:29] and you'd like to talk please reach out hello it's suicide noted dot com on facebook or twitter slash

[00:59:35] x at suicide noted yeah we're still hanging around x for a little while long we'll see

[00:59:40] where that goes and of course you can learn more about the podcast including our membership

[00:59:46] in the show notes and that is all for episode number 204 stay strong do the best you can i will talk to

[00:59:54] you soon