Kevin in Ontario 🇨🇦

[00:00:22] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted On this podcast I talk with suicide attempt survivors and ideators so that we can hear their stories

[00:00:52] Every year around the world millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it We certainly don't talk about it enough and when we do talk about it many of us we're not good at it We don't listen well and that is a problem So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors In large part to help more people in more places feel a little less shitty and a little less alone I've been doing that as best I can since July of 2020 and I will keep doing it

[00:01:21] I can say with a lot of confidence until I'm dead Now if you are a suicide attempt survivor or ideator and you would like to talk I would love to talk with you. Please reach out our email is hello at suicidenoted.com You can check the show notes or podcast description to learn more about the podcast Our membership other services we offer speaking volunteering check it out If you are curious if you listen on apple a quick rating and review helps a lot

[00:01:50] It helps people find the podcast the same for spotify Which is a little wonky with their ratings and reviews, but you should find a poll under each episode last week's question Are you scared to die? This week's question though? I've yet to put it out as I record this will be something around assisted suicide I would love to know how you feel what you think about these Finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast My guests and I don't typically hold back

[00:02:18] So please take that into account before you listen or as you listen But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn Today I am talking with Kevin Kevin lives in Ontario and he is a suicide attempt survivor Mr. Kevin, how are you doing? Pretty good, yourself? Not bad What, are you in a car? Yeah, piece of shit, cheap You're in Ontario, right? Yeah, Ontario Okay, go Leafs You ready to jump in?

[00:02:47] You can ask me anything you want I got tough skin Like, do you think that I'm here to play softball with you? Come on I know, I know You've heard the podcast Alright, so here we are You're Kevin You're smoking a cigarette You got a hat on You have more hair than me Kind of pisses me off But despite that, thanks for being here, man Appreciate it Oh, you're welcome Thanks for having me How many suicide attempts do you have? I know it's not a tiny number and it may not be an exact number I don't know Over 20 maybe

[00:03:15] When I was younger, it was suicide was more like a cool thing Was it? When I grew up, I was a metalhead So I grew up 12 years old And my album was Diary of a Madman from Ozzy Osbourne Metallica And songs like that And it was just I can remember just sitting around with friends And, you know, we'd have knives in our hands And we'd have guns And we just did weird shit with it And it was just a different time I know it's weird

[00:03:44] But I've been listening to some different podcasts And professionals and all that I really think that the mainstream has it wrong It has to be taken on different, with different stages Like the difference between somebody who's 50 like me And somebody who's 14 or 16 is like night and day Like right now, if I go back and tell my 16-year-old self And 12- and 13-year-old self that tried to commit suicide I'd say, you know, your whole life is in front of you What you're going through is nothing

[00:04:12] Like you're in for it if this is the hard part When you're 14, that is your world, right? Yeah 14-year-old Kevin and 50-year-old Kevin are different Like I ran away at 11 years old So I've basically been on my own since 11 and 12 Put a different mentality in me That's a young age to be on your own Yeah, it is I have two children And I couldn't imagine my children being on the street at 11 and 12 I was 12 years old And my parents wouldn't even let me in the house

[00:04:42] They'd lock the door and not let me in the house Like that was part of the way of making your kid a better kid Back in the early 80s Okay, but for you, better or not better, you ran away Yeah, and then it got to the point where I got kicked out And the doors were locked and I wasn't allowed back in And, you know, from there it just, you know, went sideways And drugs and crime and all that stuff When was your first suicide attempt? How old were you?

[00:05:11] I believe I was 12 I got my stomach pumped for taking too many Tylenol or aspirin or something like that It was just something stupid You say your family was in a program called Tough Love Is that, that's not an actual official program, right? That's just what they did They loved you, Todd No, no, I'm pretty sure it was a program Because it was big in the States Like they even put me in a camp for a month Back in the 80s there was an epidemic of runaway kids

[00:05:39] They didn't know what to do with them Of course, I was pretty bad So they used me as basically like a guinea pig For this organization And you can look it up It's called Tough Love And like if the stuff done 30 years ago was done today Like they'd all be thrown in jail What was some of the stuff, if you want to share, like that was tough How did they love you tough? They'd lock you out They got 12 years old I was locked out of my house And I wasn't allowed back in Like I can remember yelling and screaming to let me in And da da da

[00:06:09] Because you know, home is home You just think that's your only home But before that They brought over like four or five parents And my aunt Well, a good friend But we call her an aunt She was like a co-founder for the area Basically, my parents looked at them as Whatever they say is gold And yeah, they came over And they tied me to a chair They made me listen to all these rules that they had That I had to follow in the house And if I didn't follow them I would be kicked out

[00:06:39] I know this sounds strange Because it's what parents would kick their kids out at that age It was really common back then Like it wasn't just me It was my other I had friends and cousins And it happened to two So anyways, they tied me up They left me overnight In the kitchen And when they untied me the next day There was a couple more parents that came over And untied me And that's when I really ran away For like basically good What are the guidelines If you recall For tough love

[00:07:08] When your kid runs away at 12 What are they supposed to do then? I wouldn't be able to answer that correctly I just know that I know that they Wouldn't let you back in the house The bad would get put in camps Where it was They'd treat you like It was like an army camp You know, it was just a different time Back in that setting How do you survive? Hanging out Like you're staying with friends? Are you homeless? Homeless, yeah But it was more like couch surfing Or I would hang out at my aunt's

[00:07:36] Or somebody like that Back then it was You know, as long as you're with somebody They didn't really say too much And you had to go to school Like remember I was doing this The whole time I'm doing this I'm actually going to elementary school If you didn't go to school They would put you in a Like a jail or a camp You always thought Like the treatment officers And all that I just went from place to place to place And there's some parks that we lived in And uh But it wasn't just me Like I wasn't the only kid out on the street There was more kids

[00:08:06] And there was probably more kids That had it worse than I ever did And that's why When I look at the homeless today I say to myself Like I know it looks a lot worse And there's more And the numbers are bigger But one thing I see That's so much different That I'd be so proud of Is there's no children as much In my day They treated us like vagrants Like scum Like we were the worst people You know, wearing leather jackets And long hair Now you got a denim jacket on Things have changed

[00:08:34] Yeah, I'm still wearing a Metallica shirt too So when you're in your early teens I know you've already attempted To take your life once Is that a trend that kind of continues During those years Of struggling and attempting Ideating all that? Yeah, it got worse in I'd say the early 80s It was just drugs All day, every day Everything was just about drugs Drugs, drugs And how I was going to get them

[00:09:03] And so a lot of crime had to be done Things that, you know I'll never be able to forgive myself for But You were trying to survive When you say crimes And you don't have to talk about it In depth if you don't want to Were you like robbing people Places Burglar type stuff? Or Oh yeah, very much so All the above You ever get involved in anything Sort of physically harming people? Yes, but I grew up in a time where You just You never hit children

[00:09:32] Well, that's not true Because You just tie them up In the kitchen all night Yeah, that's nothing too It's different too Back then Like I can remember getting dragged Out of church At nine And My dad's beating the shit out of me Down the Walking down the aisle And nobody bats an eye I put a whoopee cushion Underneath my mom When she sat down And If I set the scene for you I'm Nine, ten, eleven And I'm I got long hair With a leather jacket And a jean jacket on And I'm listening to Iron Maiden

[00:10:02] Back then it was Six, six, six The number of the beast And I was I just hated religion So no, I'm not Catholic I'm not any of that shit I'm not surprised This is the first time I've really ever done Anything like this Talked like this So Oh, is that right? Kind of like in Depth I guess you could say With the therapist You know, you can only say so much Thanks for trusting me Because You're 54 years old, right? Mm-hmm Isn't that fucked up? Yes, it is fucked up Like What happened to us? I don't know I just We all

[00:10:32] We all have our own stories And You know, that's what I mean With the stages With that suicide stuff Like when I was a kid It was It was more like just Compulsion You know what I mean? Like it would just be Something that you would just do On compulsion Whereas Now It's just You just dwell And dwell And dwell And it gets to the point Where it's just like Like who really fucking Gives a fuck anymore? You know, I'm 54 It's embarrassing Wait, what's embarrassing? Just the thought of talking about it Like I'm fucking 54 years old And I'm

[00:11:00] I'm in like the worst part of my life That I've ever been in And it's like I grow the fuck up And get some fucking balls I mean, I only know you from The last 20 minutes So I don't know shit But pretty ballsy To come on and talk to A kind of stranger About this stuff Well, it's because I've tried Like I've been in the system My whole life Like I've seen it And I've experienced it And lived it I just realized now That nobody really gives a fucking Flying fuck They really fucking don't Like I know

[00:11:29] This is disrespectful For all these people That go out there And do this all Every day And you know I love them You know what I mean? These people that Do all this mental health stuff Like you yourself Like if you weren't doing this stuff Like nobody would talk about it And if you don't talk about it Then it's just gonna get worse I realize that From my elders telling me that You know, now that I'm older I realize it You know, if you got an infection And if you don't take care of it It just gets worse I've been through the system I've seen the system And now like

[00:11:59] The stuff I'm hearing now Today is just even Fuck Oh, it's even fucking worse It's weird But we pump millions Or billions Or whatever Into the system For like Stuff like suicide Mental health In my view I think it makes people worse In certain situations Like my situation Like Like I had a bad trauma When I was a kid So now they They think that They're gonna be able To cure it in an hour Once a week I see a therapist And we talk about Fucking You know

[00:12:28] Like the weather And shit You waste like Probably 20 minutes Of the hour Doing that And then In the last 20 minutes They get you And you gotta get Into this MDR shit Where the You're holding these Vibrating things And you're looking At these dots And they take you To the fucking Deepest Darkest Fucking place That you can go Like Like you don't even Go there Because it's so dark And deep These guys Fucking bring you there And then they say Oh Fucking time's up Time's up

[00:12:58] See you next Fucking week For another Fucking hour You know what I mean Like Some people are just We need more than A fucking hour It's just Fucking bullshit What kind of Cigarettes do you smoke The kind that Get me sent to jail How's that sound Really That gets you sent to jail Oh yeah So when you were a kid In the Catholic church I'm going by this email Again I'm referencing back Okay And you talk about Some dark or heavy stuff You were abused Yeah Yes By a priest Yes

[00:13:27] Repeatedly This is I'm going by the email That's why People are wondering Sean how do you know this Like I don't usually Do it this way But you shared a lot In that email Or a lot was shared You were a kid Teenager Well if I can Set the stage for you A bit Like I said I ran away at 11 And I was homeless And I got into A lot of trouble Did a little bit Of young offenders Jail stunt And I got in a lot More trouble And it just got worse And worse to the point Where they said That I could go To this rehabilitation Center It was the only one Like it in the world

[00:13:57] Like it was Oh yeah It was the only one Like it in the world And it was like Where the worst Of the worst go Basically Yeah so I went To that place And they said If you go to that place Then you're not Going to go to jail And remember I'm Right now I weigh 128 pounds So back then I'm like 60 pounds And when When you go to jail And stuff like this If you're I was a small fish In a really big pond Like But I was terrified And so I went To this place And said Yeah the guy That owned it Or ran it Was a Catholic priest

[00:14:26] And for the first Two months It was You know As normal As normal gets I guess Yeah I went To that place Fuck After two months The guy that owned it He just started Abusing me In different ways That you just Can't You can't even believe I can't even explain it To tell you the truth Because You know I grew up I played sports My whole life I was You know My friends All had long hair They drove fucking Motorcycles And you know What I mean All that kind of stuff When I had all that Stuff done

[00:14:56] And I basically Ran away I just I couldn't tell anybody You didn't want to Talk about being abused Well that And the fact That I didn't think Anybody would believe me Because I was A homeless kid Basically there Because the Court said It's either there Or jail I couldn't come out And say stuff like that Because if I did Then I thought That people would have Thought that I was Like that Which you know Not that there's Anything wrong In it I guess But it's just Not me That was just a big Such a huge thing Back then To prove that You weren't

[00:15:24] So you're 54 now That happened You know what Like 40 or so Years ago And in this time You had 20 plus attempts So I'm imagining You're struggling hard For most of your life Was there a stretch Where it was not Super hard You weren't ideating Or thinking about Ending your life Or trying to end your life Yeah Well yeah I had a good 12 to 15 years I was 32 31, 32 31, 32 To like your mid 40s You're okay Yeah

[00:15:54] I want to hear A little bit more About before then But I'm curious To know what was Going on then That you felt okay And you were doing okay It was the first time I held my daughter And my life just It just changed I just looked at this Baby and It's like I'm not Gonna let anything Ever happen to this Child that Nothing that I went Through and stuff like that And I just My whole life changed Like I I quit smoking dope I quit doing coke I quit Drinking I stopped talking To the friends That I used to talk to

[00:16:24] I just put everything Towards doing my best For my two daughters Oh you had two daughters What's their ages Now they're 25 And 23 12 plus year stretch Of being a dad To young girls Youngish girls As they grow older Obviously And do you have a partner At that time You're doing it solo I had a partner I was married And we got divorced And it caught There was You know A big fucking shit show With all that kind of stuff too Which pushed into more I just Started kind of

[00:16:53] Giving up And just so pissed off At the system Do you want to kill someone? Yeah I wanted to yeah I went up to try To kill the priest To me I think The best thing That I ever could have done Is not say anything There's really no Help out there For my Kind of like my situation I feel And my generation And all that kind of stuff And I don't want to sound Like a kid about it It's just For me It makes everything worse So how do you get by Before your daughters are born Let's say You're Mid Late teens Twenties

[00:17:22] Is it mostly Similar kind of life Or How do you eat food? Most of my homeless Where It was on the streets Was Before I was Basically 16 Like once I Got my license And you know I was working And stuff And you know I had my own place At young age Or else I was living At other people's houses So I wasn't Homeless after You know Ages of 16 Or 17 There was times I was But it was just A lot of crime And whatever we could

[00:17:52] To get drugs But this was for years Yeah just years After years Like I went to that Rehab center Because my drugs Were so bad And then it Just got worse When I got out When was that? When was the rehab center? 1985 I have a sense Of what your life Is like But how often Do you think About killing yourself And how often Do you try? Because I think You said there were Multiple attempts I think about it On a daily basis All the time Like in the last Three years It has been

[00:18:21] Every day And like In the last Three years At least I've had Seven or eight Attempts When you were 15 to 32 Yes I tried A few different Ways I tried That silly Method of Putting a hose In the window Carbon dioxide But unlike The movies All it did To me Is give me A headache For like Two Three days And I was Puking And this is where It gets into The embarrassing Part too Is just Talking about it It's just Embarrassing Even to bring It up But one time I went And my rope

[00:18:51] Wasn't long Enough To go over The fucking Branch I always put Stuff around My neck And tried it That way It's just I don't think It's the dying Part that I Want I just want The other All the other Stuff Just to go Fucking away I've tried All your Programs And all your Things And they Just In your Email I also Read that One time You laid in Front of a Railroad truck Two Three years Ago Yeah Oh that was More recent Yeah that was More recent With railroad Trucks Okay so you

[00:19:21] Had these Handful of Attempts in your Teens and Twenties You have Your two Daughters You said From about 32 years Old to About 45 years Old Things were Decent Yes Maybe even A little bit Longer than That too Like I couldn't do Anything wrong Because I Didn't want The kids To be Taken away From me So So all The stuff A lot Of the Stuff you Were doing When you Were younger Like you Said you Stopped And you Stayed That way And you Were a Dad To these Two girls Living life Getting By Oh yeah No No ideating No wanting To die Yes Yes In my Own

[00:19:51] Little Way But it Was controllable Because the Thought of Taking care Of my Daughters Was stronger Than anything Else But you Know I Was still Getting Anxiety Attacks Three Four Times a Week I Still Getting Night Tears Every Night I Was able To deal With them Because I Had bigger Priorities In my Life Two little Human Beings That needed You That's a Pretty big Motivator Yeah And they're They're Grown up Now Oh yeah They're Grown up When I Raised Them I Was on That PTA For uh The teachers I was the

[00:20:21] Only man On there And I'm Telling you Holy shit Yeah I Was the Only man For years And uh Remember all The shit That I Did I did It at School Where my Kids are Going to And my Two sisters Went there Too and I just Did the Best I Could How can I Say this Then um When I Was with My daughters I didn't Have any Fears Like all I felt Was like A protector And uh It's the Best feeling I ever had To tell you The truth Now they're Older And living With their Boyfriends And Da da da da Oh fuck

[00:20:51] Did they know About what You went through As a kid I told them About I think It was like Three years Ago because I had to Tell them Because my Youngest daughter Was involved When I was Laying on the Tracks Because you Know the Police are Looking for You know That kind Of fucking Shit so So I had A conversation With them And I Didn't tell Them like Details I just Told them I was Abused And stuff Because you Know they don't Need to know The details That's for Sure Abuse is Abuse In its own Way You know They're my Kids you Know what I Mean I'm not Supposed to

[00:21:22] I'm not I'm not The stage Now where Now I'm Just a Burden on Them like I can't Be telling Talking to My kids About the Shit and Trauma I Had when I was a Kid and Then Fucking Suicide And stealing Fucking cars And robbing Stores and Burning churches You know All that Kind of stuff You don't Talk to Your kids About that So yeah I guess The answer That yeah I had to Talk with Them I What happens A few years Ago that You sort Of get Hopped back Into the Darkest stuff Not I don't

[00:21:52] Know if the Word's dark But you Know where You lay On the Tracks and Whatever else Happens What's going On there I hit my Head at work Head injury At work And just Things were Coming to me Like I've Always had My ever Since abuse I've always Had images Of abuse And it Seems like After that Head injury It's just I'm thinking About it Ten times as Much it feels Like And I can't Get rid of Home and I'm getting More night Terrors than I've ever Got before In my life But everything's Fucking changing Like I don't Sleep on

[00:22:22] Beds anymore I just You know I just Sleep on Couches It's embarrassing Like it really Fucking is Embarrassing I'm 54 And I Know none Of that Abuse is Going to Happen You know I know It would Never Happen Again To me But it Just Shoots in My mind All the time I can't Get it I've never Talked to them Again And I don't Blame them How do you Talk to a man About this type Of shit

[00:22:51] You can't I understand People like me Are We're supposed to Just fall through The cracks And stuff Because nobody Wants to hear Shit that was Against the Catholic system Nobody wants To hear how The government Fucking failed In horrible Ways And that's Probably why I'm Here right now I really don't Give a fuck Anymore My first time When I laid On the tracks It wasn't To do With Well I guess It had to do With mental Health But it was Because I was Getting headaches I would get Headaches from Hit my head And they would

[00:23:21] Last for like Sometimes two To three days And it was just I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat And it was just Pounding and pounding And that's what Caused the suicide Attempt on the Tracks Just I couldn't Live with the Headaches anymore Well I assume The train did not Come No The police did I got formed One by my doctor And they Put the cuffs On you And bring you To jail And I mean They're bringing You to the Fucking mental Institution And you know It went really Bad there Like that whole Experience is Is so wrong

[00:23:50] In so many ways Like I think That one experience There is Can cause suicide For some people It's so embarrassing And so horrible When you know They got the cuffs On you Watching you Like you're Some kind of Criminal And you know They walk you Past all these People in cuffs And you know Then they just Throw you in Some room And I did Three days In that place And it got Bad It got bad To the point Where I phoned 911 On the hospital Yeah What did they say What did 911 say

[00:24:20] I really can't Remember I was I don't know If I've ever Heard that before It was funny I feel so bad Too Cause the guy That was The lead guy On this real Big guy He was a big Muscle guy And I was calling Him princess And all that Kind of stuff You were looking To fight Yeah I got to the Point where They had to Put a needle In me And hold me Down Like that Whole experience Like you don't Want people To know that It's embarrassing It really is You know That happened A couple Well It happened Another time And then I Had some Police checks The last few

[00:24:49] Years too And it's just Really embarrassing The way the System is done That way Like I can Imagine how It would be For women I don't know If they put The cuffs on Them But I've Talked to a Few women Before And that's That one Experience Right there Is what's Causing all The grief In their Life from Now on Is when They were Halled to Some mental Institution In front of All their Friends and Family And everybody Thinks they're All mental Cases now It's a big Deal Yeah The way They do It often How many Attempts have You had

[00:25:19] Since that Three days In the Hospital My next One was I wouldn't Say their Attempts I was Talking to An occupational Therapist Just a Young girl You know She phoned The police On me The police Came over And gave me A welfare Check at This building I had to Talk them Out of Not sending Me to The institution Then the Next time I don't Want to be A trigger Or give Anybody ideals Or shit Like that But I Bought some Charcoal You know I put the Charcoal In the can And before

[00:25:49] I did That I told Somebody That I Was going To do That And the Police Came And threw Me in Jail Again Or not Jail Fucking Well They put The cuffs On here You're Walking out Of the car Or the cuffs Around you As soon as Your arm's On the door And then After that I tried Purching The monoxide It's just Fucking embarrassing Even Even talk about What I think About it So fucking Humility Well that begs The question Kevin Why did You reach Out to Me to Talk If you Feel like It's so Humiliating And embarrassing Because Maybe there's Some other

[00:26:19] People out There that Think the Same thing As I Do That The Embarrassment Of just Talking about It Or Having that Cliche of A diagnosis Like they Say I got Suicide Ideology Or aviation Or whatever The fuck It is They say I got Complex PTSD They say I got Now the New one Is two Months ago They say I got ADHD You know They just Keep on Throwing all The shit At you But yet There's nothing Like I don't See anybody For like Any help I just feel Like for Somebody like Me A therapist

[00:26:49] Isn't the best Thing where They bring you To the Edge of the Cliff For that Half an hour And then You don't See them For the next Week I don't Know That's just The way I see it Maybe if It was Something else Maybe it Wouldn't be So bad But for Me I That deep Dark stuff That you Guys want To bring Up And want Me to face It's like I'll face it But fucking Don't just Leave me there And fucking Like I've Proven I can't Do this On my Fucking own Do you think When we get Off We're done Talking You're gonna Dip down Is it gonna Make it Worse for you

[00:27:19] What will Make it worse For me Is just the Fact that The shame Involved in It and the Guilt and The embarrassment I've lost so Many friends To fucking Suicide I've had Friend die In front of Me from Suicide It's And I Look and It's just Like fucking Like with The young Kids it's Like fuck You guys Got everything In front of You man You're gonna Get through This fucking Shit You know I say that Now I'm 54 and I'm fucking The worst It's ever Been When was the Last time You tried Six seven Days ago It was stupid That's what it

[00:27:48] Was just Stupid I just Lied in bed Put a cord Around my Neck and I Thought that if I tied it Around the Bed post And in the Middle of Doing it I'm saying To myself You're a Fucking idiot Man Like look What you're Fucking doing It's fucking Stupid And that's Basically why I stopped And this is What I like About the Talking about It part Is that When you Talk about It You kind Of realize How fucking Immature And irresponsible And how Fucking I don't Even know The words For it Like

[00:28:19] It's got Nothing to do With the Act of The dying In itself It's just I just Don't want To have These Fucking Feelings Anymore I waited Three years To talk to A psychiatrist Since I was Injured At work Where I'm From The government Takes care Of all that Shit And so I went And seen This You can't Make this Shit up You really Fucking can't He told me Something about Like he thinks I would Exaggerate Then he said To me That he finds It unusual That trauma Would just Come up After 20 30 years

[00:28:49] And stuff And I said Well I don't know You tell me I got I got hit On the head It's my Ex-wife My kids Everybody says I've changed I feel I've changed You know I'm on the couch Fucking 18 hours a day Drink one boost With a handful Of pills I gotta take For my health And I get No more than Two hours sleep Three hours sleep If I'm lucky Like how far Down do you have To fucking go He just basically Made it seem like There's just no way That trauma Can come back After all those years And so I went And I told people this

[00:29:19] And I told my doctors And friends And people that know Mental health And they said They basically looked at me Like no way He wouldn't say Something like that A psychiatrist You know he's just a kid He's probably in his Mid-30s You know I was telling him Stories about Burning churches And shit like that And doing horrible things And he just Doesn't understand it He's in the wrong job And this is where It gets bad So I'm feeling Really humiliated So I brought My ex-wife In with me This just happened Last week He said the exact Same thing to her

[00:29:48] About everything About there's no way And he thinks this And then he tried To blame it on her He was asking her How much she made If she gives me money When she came over here From a different country And all that kind of stuff And I said hey man I said we're not here For marriage counseling And you know I told him That you know like I'm in crisis mode Right now I told him I tried A few days ago Or last week And da da da da And like that's the system Yeah a lot of them Are fucking idiots That's just really all it is You know they work hard They six seven years At university

[00:30:18] I'd be proud To call any of them My children You know what I mean All the work that it takes To get there But it's like a Mechanic talking to an Electrician You know what I mean They're just not gonna get The apples and oranges Just make difference Right there's How do you How did you learn About this podcast Well I was told By somebody Since I had A lot of suicide attempts You know like To put a plan And all that kind of shit I was told that By somebody That's pretty special to me And so now Every time I try To think of it

[00:30:47] I'll do things Before my I get to that point Like my biggest thing Is I got a tattoo Of my daughter's names On my arm And every time I think of my daughters Everything goes away You know You don't want to Disappoint them For one They just bring Good happy times I think So your friend Told you about the podcast And I can't believe I went there Just for you asking me That question I just looked And looked for help They say I have Suicidal ideation Okay I agree with that Or whatever So I got this Major problem

[00:31:16] That could be Life or death I guess you could say But yet I'm not allowed To talk about it And if I do Talk about it I get somebody That says to me If you say this You say this You say this You know what I mean I have to do something I understand You have to But if I can't Talk about This major problem Or this thing That I'm having Without saying More than a few sentences And then you're Going to phone the police On me And put me In the hospital The red tape Says that you have to How am I supposed To get any Any help We have these

[00:31:46] Hotlines Where it's like 988 And all that shit And you know I love these people Like they volunteer Their time And it must be tough And here I am I'm on hold For like Almost 10 minutes And here I am Grown fucking man And I'm on here On a suicide hotline When there could be Some fucking Other kid 15 With a gun Or a fucking Pill bottle Or something To their mouth And they're on hold Too And I'm Taking their Fucking time So I would Hang up a lot Like when it comes To suicide

[00:32:16] I just You cannot Even mention it All these professionals Out there They say Oh go talk to Somebody you trust And you gotta talk About it You have to And you have to You know That's a bunch of shit You go talk to Anybody And you're And if you be truthful You're gonna be Spending three days In a Fucking mental institution There's a lot of Like just bullshit Non-transparency Or just simply Naivete So you find this podcast Because you're looking For something on Whatever

[00:32:46] And you listen to A little bit I imagine And then you You email me Yes Everybody handles Their own stories And trauma And shit In different ways Right I hear I've been hearing A lot of stories About suicide And I agree with A lot of what people say And I disagree with A lot of what people say Mostly the professionals But you know when it gets bad Is when you don't You're not angry anymore Yeah Yeah Like I'm not angry anymore Like I just I don't have really any feelings

[00:33:14] And now all my feelings That I had about suicide And they're all Exchanged with guilt And shame And embarrassment And I just don't want anybody To know anymore And like honestly I've had In the last three years I've had four wellness checks And I was in the hospital twice And I haven't even like Talked about suicide They just ask a question Like Are you suicidal I said yeah You think about it Yeah Have you thought of a plan Oh yeah I thought of a plan all the time

[00:33:43] You got any ways of doing it Oh yeah A hundred different ways Do you this Do you that Yeah yeah Think about it Think about it Boom That's the end of the conversation The police are there Just fucking listen Like just listen And Maybe give some advice But it's just the fucking system Is fucking wrong man I'm telling you Just fucking listen Is a good memoir title Kevin I don't know if you know About my memoir title Crafting skills But if you were ever Going to write a book A memoir I like that as a title

[00:34:12] Just fucking listen In fact I like this title You ready Time's up Subtitle Just fucking listen Ink it in baby How many people know We're talking One My ex-wife How many people Do you have in your life To talk to In a way You were just talking about this Where you could talk about suicide And they don't freak out They don't send you to the police They don't do this They just Quote Fucking listen How many No one Zero When this episode comes out

[00:34:42] It's going to take a little while Unless you want me to Bump it up And I will And I offer that In case people are really ready To kind of check out And they want to hear it Do you think you'll You think you'll listen No Probably not Because I'm I get embarrassed Do you think there's anyone In the world You would share it with Like hey Here's a link I'm not going to listen But you might want to hear What I have to say Yeah I guess I will But I think it's just Going to look bad Because of the things I said It's hard to explain

[00:35:10] A whole life's worth Of trauma and shit For the bullet points I know I wish it were different Nothing against you Or your podcast Like if it wasn't for you And your podcast Then who would I be talking to Right Any talk I think Is good talk When it comes about suicide I really do Because You know I got some other trauma too That's just I get on like A weekly basis I have for like The last 34 years Or 35 years And it just makes Life hard to deal with Yeah

[00:35:40] Are most of your attempts Kind of Secrets I'm gauging they are I'm sensing they are Maybe Yeah I'd say they're secrets Like I don't like to The only reason I I think I got caught The last time Is because they had GPS on my phone It wasn't An hour after I said that Then the police Were putting me In the back of the car That one day I was living out Of my jeep though So times were Pretty tough back then It's getting really Interesting If you like Google something Or you ask

[00:36:09] Alexa Or any of that stuff Does it start to Connect with The local authorities With certain things And then they can Just boom Show up I don't know But well That whole thing Just so you know I wish they could Change that Because when you Put the cuffs on Somebody Like when I was Younger That was Everything in life Was not to get The cuffs on you When you get Those cuffs on you You're You're done The humiliation Is beyond Fixing Like it's The damage Is done And it's

[00:36:39] Such an embarrassment I wish they would Change that way Of that whole system Especially with people That aren't really Dangerous Yeah of course I only have a couple More questions And then you know Anything else you want I like I like hearing What you've got to say Do you ever wish Any of those attempts Particularly when you Were younger Had just worked I would have to say Now that I have Two daughters No Like if I ever Get remembered For anything in life It would I hope it's just that I get the best I could

[00:37:09] For my daughters That's all I care about Anymore What helps you feel Not really bad Or shitty Or even suicidal Does anything like Day to day Make you feel A little better When I was younger I had lots of ways And now that you're older You can't do them Like well the best time In my life Most memorable time Was when my daughter Was born But my second Memorable time I remember taking acid And I was I think 17 or 18 And I set fire To a church Inside And I was sitting

[00:37:38] Back in the pews Like near the back And I'm actually Watching it Catch on fire And it's just Filling up with smoke And I'm telling you When I think about that It's like the best therapy Brings this biggest smile To my face And I felt so So good Like the church Didn't burn to the ground Just the inside of it Was burned But Just to be clear We're not Kevin and I Are not encouraging Anybody go burn churches He's simply sharing Something he did That put a smile To his face Did it ever Still to this day

[00:38:07] Like you know I always fought Against religion And then When that abuse Happened with the priest And it happened For seven months Out of the nine months I was there They called it Basically rape But like that's what They called it Back in the day And it was It was really sadistic The stuff that Went on was I can't even explain it The worst thing I got from it With trauma Is the fact that When he would Do these things He'd put like A sock Or a shirt Over my mouth So that They wouldn't Hear me scream Because it was

[00:38:37] In two different Buildings right Back then Like you would Hear kids scream And you wouldn't You really wouldn't Think anyone Remember this is A really bad place For people on drugs Most of the time I can't remember What actually happened To me Like sexually abused But I remember Fighting for air To the point where It's hard to explain Like I know Maybe people Have had a cherry belly Where they lose their Air in their stomach They get hit in the stomach And they can't breathe And they're gasping For that air

[00:39:06] That's what it was like Almost every time I was abused So that nobody Would hear the screaming That stuck with me My whole life Now it was tough To put things in my mouth Brush my teeth Close my eyes And my mouth When I'm having a shower Bring on anxiety attacks And sleeping was Oh fuck It was just It was horrible It was just weird Ever since I had that Bang on my head I just think about All night And it's I don't know what it is I'm not a fucking doctor

[00:39:36] This is what's going on I don't know how much Of the podcasts You've heard But I always ask about Myths or misconceptions And you brought some up They've sort of come up But are there any other Myths or misconceptions around And it can be a lot of things Not just suicide related But stuff you've gone through That you wanted to spell And say now it's bullshit I would have to say The fact that Suicide is It's really big Like I didn't realize Like so many people Died from suicides Like they say that It has more than Murders and all that

[00:40:05] And you think about All the movies And everything we've done About murders And all the money We put towards it But yet People are Killing themselves Twice as much You can't even talk About the word Without Like a stigma Behind the word Is just And you know It happens to A lot of men Which is another thing Like nobody really Gives a fuck About other men We think there's some Truth to that For sure Yeah Every man has Their own journey And it's like We really don't Give a shit When it comes to The feelings part of it Like that kind of stuff

[00:40:35] At least that's how I am Like sure I care But I can't help Some fucking guy With That's been abused Like it's just A guy's mentality Is just Showing weakness Everybody's unique Right And if you're not Just quote Fucking listening You're never gonna Understand that How would you How would you be able To know that Other than like What you physically see I see Kevin He's this height He's got a beard Like what else Would you know Exactly Because when I was Growing up The people that Actually did commit Suicide Were the ones

[00:41:05] That you didn't Think would They were more Like the quiet ones And the more Of the ones That kept to Themselves and stuff And people always say Oh I never saw The signs And well Maybe you just Weren't looking For the signs Or you've seen The signs And you didn't know How to deal with Some 100% I gave you A pink and purple Pill Kevin Ready Magically Right now Take the pill You go to sleep You die No pain Nobody even knows It's a suicide I'd probably take it Right now in your car Would you go home And chill a little bit Say goodbye Do something Have a drink

[00:41:34] Smoke a cigarette No I don't even know How to answer that now Because I get so terrified That you're gonna Fucking phone the cops And I'm gonna be Oh shit really Oh yeah It's like that Like where I'm from Like you can't say More than a few words Your sentences And they It's protocol That they just have To phone on you Like You just feel like You just can't say it No I'd just be Afraid that you would call No fuck Kevin Fuck I'd have no podcast I'd have a sense Of what you would do With the pill That's enough You're gonna be alive For 55

[00:42:04] Well I'll tell you Like The thing with the psychiatrist Where he basically You know Said that trauma Doesn't come up After years And basically saying that Like I'm basically lying Or whatever like that I feel better now That my ex Got to witness all that So now it's like Clarification Like it makes me feel Better to tell you the truth Like Now that she Knows that This is what's Actually going on No offense But I'm not a doctor I'm just a normal Human being But somebody who says

[00:42:33] Stuff like that They shouldn't have a job Especially when they know That the person is suicidal And they told it Right to their face Like And then you sit there And say I went off course Again tonight But I like when you go off course Like this isn't supposed To be perfectly Linear And like Neat Comfortable Easy answers Like We're you know Shit's hard Oh here's another thing too Is it's Like I've done a lot Of really bad shit So maybe I deserve it I think I do I got a bad heart too All these years

[00:43:03] I was getting this These anxiety attacks The one time I thought it was An anxiety attack But it wasn't I was actually having A heart attack So I had open heart surgery And all that kind of shit Heart attacks So now A heart attack And a panic attack Are kind of like The same things Every time I have My panic attack Which is You know Three four times a week Sometimes Maybe sometimes Two three times a day It just depends on Whatever's going on I don't know If I'm going to be dying now And that's another reason too Why I've been waiting To see a psychiatrist Is because

[00:43:32] They can't put me On different meds Because The meds I'm on For blood pills And blood thinners And heart And all that Because it affects The other one So I've been waiting And waiting And waiting And I still Three years now And I still Haven't changed my meds Or nothing I'm still at square one Like if anything I've gone ahead One step And went backwards too And trying just to get help It just doesn't make sense I just feel bad In my own way When I know That's going to be done To children like that too I mean

[00:44:01] If it's happening to me Then it must be happening To kids And the crime stuff Was really It's a lot of guilt To live with too And that's Some of the reason Why suicide Was more on my mind too Like I've actually Held guns to people's heads Before and robbed them For money It's a real sickening thing Because It's funny My therapist She actually went Become a therapist Or psychologist Because somebody robbed her At a 7-Eleven store I'm thinking to myself Like I did that Like look how many lives I could have ruined

[00:44:31] And stuff And all the crime And just for The drugs And they get by Like stealing Rings that they've had Their whole lives And then you pawn it off Or get some drugs And it seems like There's not enough Good I can do To feel like I'm making a difference Or I'm good Or anything like that That may be true But I do appreciate You talking to me So at least At least There will be people Who hear this And like you said The reason you came on And talking was to Help people out Maybe And you're trying I mean That's all we can do Right? We try

[00:45:00] I'm in a program right now I'm doing CBT And like here I am I'm telling them I'm on my couch For like 17-18 hours Of the day I'm eating Less than anything In 24 hours I don't even drink Bottles of water Like all I do Is drink coffee And eat shit foods And I get no sleep And then they Put me in some class And they tell me Oh you gotta read A chapter And then we're gonna have Four pages of homework For you to do Do you realize That like I can't even Get off my ass

[00:45:30] And make a fucking Piece of toast Like I'm still I'm back at the basics Now this is the whole Embarrassing part about it Like laying on the couch All night All day long And not doing nothing And over and over And over again You see these Fucking videos From all these fuckers Saying do this And do that And this You know You're a loser And all that Nothing to do with suicide And they're telling me How to improve My mental health You know It's just Right So most of your days Including today It's early afternoon

[00:46:00] Where we are You gotta You gotta just Chill on the couch I was injured at work They won't let They don't let you Do anything I can't even do Fucking volunteer work I tried to plug in For like the last Two and a half years To do volunteer work And now they finally say Oh you can do Volunteer work So I was involved In a system That was just Made me sit on my ass For like three years And wouldn't let me Do anything And that's how I was to get paid I had to do what they You know Just like this course I'm in And like here I am I'm doing this course That I waited Over two years

[00:46:29] To get into I'm in crisis mode Still like with Not eating and sleeping And taking my pills Not properly And there's all these People waiting That it could help Like it's not The CBT is not Going to benefit me If I say to them You know It's not working Or it's not going to work It's just like I'm the bad guy For not taking any help Or I look like The person that Doesn't want to get help That's not what it is Like I don't know I just I don't give a fuck About your fucking Ackermans and shit Like it's just like All those people that

[00:46:59] All those fucking Religious people that They say oh I'm going to pray for you You know Instead of praying for me Why don't you come over And fucking make me a sandwich Bring me a fucking coffee Or just talk to me Instead of saying You know me I'm going to pray for you Like what the fuck Does praying do for me Like it was with me Is I can't get help In a lot of ways Like I went to the NA And I went to the AA And all those places Like that But they're all run With religious stuff So when it comes to To do with religion Like why would I Want to put myself In a triggering situation

[00:47:29] Over and over and over again I don't want to give Thanks to God Okay Like if I had my way One of the best things I'd love to do I'll tell you I'd love to do this To fucking burn that Vatican to the fucking Ground man And I'll fucking Piss on it And I'll fucking Put it out as much As I can I fucking I just can't stand The fact that Fucking makes me mad That all these kids Were abused Like really Fucking Fucking abused And fucked up So many lives And they just Buried that shit Underneath the fucking Carpet

[00:47:59] You can't even talk About it now It's like If I talk about it It's like Oh you're saying Something about God Fucking wrong And anybody who says Does anything against children You know You want some therapy You want me to get better Let me fucking Take care of them I'll say to the taxpayer Millions and billions And I'll do it for free In my day Like if you If you talked Or said something bad To a woman You're gonna get it From an uncle Or a cousin Or a brother Or a friend Like you're gonna get An ass kicking Like there was always Trouble If you Did something wrong

[00:48:29] You were gonna get In trouble for it And nowadays It's like You don't get in Trouble for it anymore Your ex-wife Who you've brought up Went with you To the psychiatrist And helped you Craft the original email Who's been a part Of this with you You think she will Listen to this conversation When it comes out Don't be interested In it for sure What have I got To hide anymore I've done as much As I think I can And doesn't even Fizz on me as much As it did anymore Just cause of the fact That when you get To this point You just I have no more Feelings

[00:48:59] You know what I mean Like there's no more Like even some of the guilt And all this Is going away Oh one thing I did want to say To you before You said that About that magic pill In Canada I signed up twice Now for something Called MAID And it's where They help you Kill yourself When I was Tried to kill myself I phoned MAID And these guys Talked to me Right away They called me Back within an hour I was talking To a doctor The very next day They were already Making arrangements In that week To get all the

[00:49:29] Information From all my Doctors and therapists To help me Kill myself Meanwhile I waited three years To see a psychiatrist To try to stay alive But if you want To kill yourself Holy shit Man Up here in Canada Years ago It used to be For people with Mental health problems They would kill you And I'm not lying This is The Canadian government But When I applied for it They stopped that So I couldn't do it For the mental health reasons So I signed up again For it like Six months ago

[00:49:58] And basically Accepted it Well my doctor Is not going to allow Because she knows That it's for Mental health reasons Because now They passed another law Where it can't be For mental health reasons Yeah I tried to do it With my heart And my kidneys I got bad heart And kidneys and stuff But it didn't work And I'll tell you When I applied For that program I felt so good I never That was around The only time In my life Besides Raising my daughter But I still thought About it Where I didn't even Think of suicide Because it was like Holy cow

[00:50:28] I'm going to go Into a hospital And they're going To give me a needle And I'm going to Fall asleep And I'm not going To wake up Everybody I talk to Therapists and doctors They're behind me They're like They want to hold my hand Through this fucking Struggle I'm going through It is the most Fuck up thing You'd ever believe How somebody Is willing to hold Your hand To fucking kill yourself When it Isn't have to do Like with A life threatening Situation I've tried To take that pill And I would Take that pill They just won't Allow me to take That pill

[00:50:58] A cleaner And healthier Way of doing it For sure Right That's a big part Of this whole thing Is like To be able to do it You know You want it to work And you want it To not be painful And you want it To not hurt other people You know I mean It's a dignity thing That's what they call it Right All right Kevin Anything else You want to share Before we get back To our lives Anybody out there That's thinking of You know Doing it Or it's in their mind Just All I can say is that You can turn this shit around And I can't even say that To tell you the truth

[00:51:27] It's like I'm that therapist Preaching to the choir Type of thing You know Yeah Yeah That's Very good at it man I hope your day doesn't suck For real And let's connect again Okay Yeah thanks a lot I appreciate everything Take care Bye bye As always Thanks so much For listening And all of your support And special thanks To Kevin up in Ontario Thanks Kevin If you are a suicide Attempt survivor Or ideator And you'd like to talk Please reach out Our email is Hello at SuicideNoted.com And I would really love To talk with you

[00:51:57] You can learn more About this podcast In the show notes Podcast Description There's all kinds Of stuff there Check it out If you are curious But mostly I just hope That you keep listening And that is all For episode number 265 Stay strong Do the best you can I will talk to you soon