Jessie in New Jersey

[00:00:00] because I'm constantly like thinking about ways to like kill myself, I don't see my future

[00:00:06] because I don't have like a set future in my mind that I know I want to do which makes it hard to

[00:00:13] like really motivate myself to do anything.

[00:00:17] Hey there my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories.

[00:00:46] Every year around the world millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it.

[00:00:52] We certainly don't talk about it enough and when we do talk about it many of us including me we're not very good at it.

[00:00:58] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors.

[00:01:05] Now if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk please reach out hello at SuicideNoted.com.

[00:01:11] We have had some problems with our email so as a backup please use SuicideNoted at gmail.com for the next week or two and you should be okay.

[00:01:20] If you've sent an email in the past few days from when this episode is released please shoot me an email there again that's SuicideNoted at gmail.com.

[00:01:30] I want to thank everybody who has been a part of this podcast our guests our listeners and of course our members.

[00:01:36] If you'd like to check out our membership or learn more about the podcast have a look in the show notes.

[00:01:41] Extra special thanks to two lifetime members Helena and Moe really appreciate your generous generous support.

[00:01:48] Finally we are talking about suicide on this podcast and we don't hold back so please take that into account before you listen or as you listen.

[00:01:56] But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn.

[00:02:00] Today I am talking with Jessie.

[00:02:02] Jessie lives in New Jersey and she is a suicide attempt survivor.

[00:02:10] Hey Jessie wait a second I thought you were a man why?

[00:02:15] You thought I was a man?

[00:02:16] Why did I think you were a man?

[00:02:18] I don't know.

[00:02:19] Jessie maybe because Jessie because I'm an idiot.

[00:02:23] Where are you?

[00:02:24] Where do you live?

[00:02:25] I'm in New Jersey like an hour from the city.

[00:02:28] Okay all right Jessie in New Jersey wait a second although I've only spoken to one person believe it or not I think only one person from New Jersey so I appreciate you reaching out and connecting with me thank you.

[00:02:42] Are we here to talk about suicide?

[00:02:46] Do you want to do that?

[00:02:48] Yeah.

[00:02:49] Are you sure?

[00:02:50] Yeah it would be a little weird for people to get on here and us to be talking about your cool tattoos or Jersey it comes up of course it might be a little part of it.

[00:03:00] Not that anyone needs to know this but you have perfect teeth.

[00:03:04] Thank you.

[00:03:05] Now here's the part of the conversation where I take a deep breath and I say Sean you have been given so many things the gifts and blessings and other things that you've gotten.

[00:03:16] But I didn't get great teeth and I had braces and they still suck so I look at you and is there a little part of me that's envious you bet your ass there is Jessie.

[00:03:25] Sorry I noticed that you paint your fingernails different colors.

[00:03:30] Yeah they're like fangs.

[00:03:31] Jessie has got her pinky and pointer finger white or light gray with they're actually pointed the middle finger and the in ring finger are grayish so when she makes that thing with her hands it looks like she just said fangs teeth why is that?

[00:03:50] I just think it looks cool and I like having shorter nails because I work on cars I need to have some shorter nails but I still like the point in nails so this was like the best of both worlds.

[00:04:03] Are you a new mechanic?

[00:04:04] For myself.

[00:04:05] You like working on cars?

[00:04:07] Yeah.

[00:04:08] Jessie in New Jersey who is joining me to talk about among other things stuff probably some hard stuff that you've gone through where do you want to start putting the pressure putting it on you where do you think this starts.

[00:04:22] I guess I might as well just start when I first came to the realization and was basically told that I had depression.

[00:04:31] And that was when I was in fifth grade we had like the school uses test so all the kids had to wear bathing suits like they were all told parents have your kid wear a bathing suit to school like obviously wear clothes on top of it so we all went to the nurses office had to take her clothes off so we just had the bathing suits.

[00:04:49] And then they had us bend over and check everybody's spines so they kept going there like okay next next next next and then I get in and they just went oh sorry and then made me leave I was like I don't know what that means they didn't give me any information I was like I don't even know what school uses is we're just bending over.

[00:05:08] After that they ended up calling my parents and telling them and they took me to this hospital in Pennsylvania where they did a cast on me in order to do this cast.

[00:05:21] They had to hang me from my wrists and my ankles I'm just hanging in midair then there's two guys what I need to sign me with like a roll of like the cast stuff just throwing it back and forth to each other so it's going around me.

[00:05:36] Hang on so this sounds medieval I'm sorry this sounds medieval so it felt many.

[00:05:43] I know about scoliosis I think most people have a little bit of it if I understand how that works but I don't understand how you had it and then they didn't tell you but now you're in medieval dungeon.

[00:05:54] Yes so the nurse at school didn't tell me anything they called my parents and told them and my parents didn't even really know fully what it was although my mom.

[00:06:05] Does have it but way less than I do my mom's mother had it so it seems to be going through the women in our family mine was.

[00:06:13] Dramatically worse my spine shaped like an S yeah that's when they took me to the hospital because they needed to know more about it and you're in a cast though.

[00:06:22] Yes so they make the braces like it's like a back brace and they use the cast as a mold they make it so low that it's like going down like my hips.

[00:06:32] So I'm like waddling through the hospital back to the back to the doctor's office and now this doctor's office is the smallest room I've ever seen there was just like like the table and just a little bit of room to walk and then the desk so they say there's not enough room in there for my parents.

[00:06:50] Can I just say real quick if a doctor has a room that small it can mean a number of things but the first thing that popped into my head is you got a demoted doctor one more wrong move and you're out of the system buddy what does he say what happens in that little room.

[00:07:06] He starts telling me how he believes my life will go so he knew that I was in dance and he was like you're never gonna be able to dance again you can't swim again.

[00:07:16] He even went as far to say you will never get married because no guy will ever love you because you can't have kids.

[00:07:23] Now we know why he's in that room no no I mean I mean obviously he shouldn't have a job but yeah wow yeah ten years old hearing that I'm like and parents are in the room now I parents didn't know that happened until I was twenty three.

[00:07:37] You told them yeah I said that and I was like this is what they said and they're like we never knew that because we couldn't hear do you think yours closed I was like why didn't they leave the door open at least.

[00:07:48] Do you think either of your parents would have flipped out if you had said that and they heard it oh yeah my mom would have lost it she would have filed a complaint my mom loves writing letters.

[00:07:58] If she hears this am I gonna get a letter in the mail or you know who the hell are you talking to my daughter why are you laughing you can't laugh when you talk about this and you're you were twenty three can I how old are you now.

[00:08:12] Are you looking on thank you look at I think it's good so at ten years old that happens how does that connect with the depression that's how we kind of started it off.

[00:08:21] Just having scoliosis was one thing but then after that doctor said of all of that it just hit me I didn't see a reason to be alive anymore and I'm going through school not knowing what to do and it's like fifth grade and of course that's when kids start dating each other.

[00:08:40] No what the hell is going on in New Jersey when you're in fifth grade cuz my experience in New York like a pseudo like.

[00:08:47] Okay you'd be like oh like they were like my girlfriend like quotes.

[00:08:52] Jesse I want to share something with you and I know this is not about me but I want to tell something and I mean it occasionally the audience wants to know a little bit more about me they do they're like hey I get these emo I want to hear more about you.

[00:09:03] And you're looking at me a lot of people have never seen me so this won't come as a huge shock I'm not joking I think it was fifth fourth or fifth grade where I eat with women.

[00:09:12] I have like four or five girlfriends so what you're saying actually does make sense when I think back I want to tell you that when I say I peaked I mean after that it was a dramatic drop now back to you.

[00:09:25] So your classmates are connecting in the way that they're starting to connect with I like you stuff.

[00:09:32] Yeah and my best friend that I had became popular I wasn't friends with her anymore and then I lost my other friends to becoming popular and a new girl moved in my neighborhood and I guess she was better than me.

[00:09:47] So I was losing my friends and then I did end up making a couple new ones but it took a bit it wasn't like until sixth grade so at the end of fifth grade you know how they do like superlatives in like

[00:10:02] your high school year yeah they did like superlatives the end of fifth and sixth grade they made like a PowerPoint they showed the whole school so the PowerPoint was like an accumulation of the year.

[00:10:13] So like any sports things were in it the dances were in it all of that so they go through all these superlatives and then and they're all nice.

[00:10:23] Right.

[00:10:25] They start putting up ones that are just completely negative.

[00:10:29] Wait a second so that administration should be fired I'm not joking that's I don't think they proved it I think it was put in was put in by the popular kids not any of the popular kids that I used to be friends with but she's is it was also the same popular kids that took away my superlative in my senior year of high school but that was her best car.

[00:10:49] Okay we're back to the cars what was the superlative I mean I know where this is going there was a negative superlative about you right.

[00:10:56] Yes I see my name and my face and then there was a guy's name and his face and I'll remember who the guy was because I was just so taken aback by this and it just said ugliest girl and ugliest boy of fifth grade.

[00:11:10] Brutal ridiculous I just went sick.

[00:11:12] Okay and then they showed one other slide after that that was like another negative one and it was immediately shut down because it's like you can't you don't press the button they had it on auto they never told my parents.

[00:11:25] My mom didn't know this happened until I was twenty three when we were like going over things there's a lot of other things we realized when I was twenty three yeah so they put me on the powerpoint team.

[00:11:37] For sixth grade that was their solution I was there for one meeting made one slide I think it was like for basketball and then I left as I don't want anything to do with this the only other kids in there with.

[00:11:49] Popular kids that were doing that and they were all rude and mean I was I don't want to be here yeah and those same kids were the ones that took my best car.

[00:11:59] Senior year of high school I won they counted the votes and I won but then they switched it and gave it to somebody else.

[00:12:07] Yeah what kind of car do you have a smart car.

[00:12:10] I had a little smoker and that one yeah because it was the weird it was the most random car everyone else had like normal sedans.

[00:12:20] You are in fifth sixth grade we can call it saying you're ideating right you're thinking about dying are you thinking about it in a way of like it's always tricky to find the words to something like this like man I don't want to be here.

[00:12:32] This is too hard or even going so far as to like how might I do that.

[00:12:37] I don't know if I really honestly put too much thought into what I wanted to do I just knew that I didn't want to go back to school I didn't I was thinking I could never dance again like there's so many things happening then that PowerPoint thing.

[00:12:55] And I was just like that's like the final straw of it it wasn't that day was like a couple days after it was already summer just one day I remember just getting up from my room.

[00:13:06] Going into my bathroom I mean on is like obviously I don't think this would have done anything to the extent that I really wanted to hear but I just took every single aspirin pill pill I could find when you're younger you think you're taking a lot how many I took because.

[00:13:24] I woke up the next day and I was fine I mean sure you look back you like that probably wouldn't have done much damage but that's not really the point the point is you did something to harm yourself maybe even take yourself out and you were eleven.

[00:13:35] Yeah I was eleven and all I knew was if you take a lot of pills you'll probably die yeah so in my rational rationalization that's exactly what I did which did not go the way planned at all.

[00:13:50] Then you wake up and you're like what I was like okay that did absolutely nothing I had like dance intensive in the summer I kept dancing anyway so I just like went and did that and just kept moving on with life after that.

[00:14:03] So just to be clear here not only did you dance again you did second rather quickly after that more on doctors I never stopped dancing wow and I did swim a couple times after that too.

[00:14:14] And you would think rationally I'd be like well if I did the first two the last one is probably false as well but my mind didn't what's the last one that way the last one was that like.

[00:14:25] I couldn't have kids no God ever want me on never get married like whatever the doctor was saying in that moment those are like the basics of it well they did well there's a difference though right yes well he's a moron.

[00:14:38] Yeah I mean he should he should be fired I hope he's not working anymore he should probably be in jail I have no problem saying that but dancing and swimming you could just go do right but the other thing the third thing I kind of require somebody else so that's a little bit kind of different.

[00:14:51] Maybe we'll get to that I'm curious to learn more if you want to share if it's part of this sort of larger story so when you're eleven or ten or eleven this happens does that feeling what let's call the word let's use the word depression I know it can be used a lot of different ways where people use it in various ways that sort of follow you.

[00:15:08] Hangover you for middle middle school high school if you go to college after those years.

[00:15:15] Yeah I don't think it ever really went away it going waves remember a time in my life that I didn't feel depressed right after the fifth grade of some point in sixth grade my mom ended up getting cancer so then I had to put all of my thought into that.

[00:15:34] Sure because my dad was not doing anything I had to like be the person to help my mom at like twelve years old going through cancer my mom still swears that she told me she wasn't gonna die but the whole time I just remember thinking my mom's gonna die.

[00:15:51] I don't remember that conversation at all and I had to step up and take my dad's position because he did absolutely nothing.

[00:15:59] Is he still in the picture yeah obviously mom lived yeah so your parents are both around my entire childhood I was wishing they'd get a divorce because it was just they should not have been together but they stayed together and I don't really understand why.

[00:16:15] I don't understand how my parents stay together even then so how many suicide attempts do you have in total.

[00:16:21] About three I don't know if I would say there's a fourth really depending how you really look at it I guess.

[00:16:28] Well I'm gonna rely on how you look at it number one after fifth grade or sixth grade.

[00:16:33] Yeah it was between fifth and sixth grade.

[00:16:36] I wanted to ask you your mom at the time this is before she got diagnosed I believe does she or your father ever find the empty aspirin container.

[00:16:45] They thought nothing of it if they did.

[00:16:47] Got it.

[00:16:48] I took aspirin as like a pain reliever so they probably just thought oh she needs a new bottle they didn't keep track of my medicine like I was in charge of it I was like oh I need another bottle they'd be like okay cool.

[00:17:01] I don't know if this is like for you when I was growing up my parents they had a liquor cabinet or it was more of like a carousel and they would market they didn't want us to drink their shit.

[00:17:10] I had this image of marking an aspirin bottle or another bottle oh a lot of this is gone what's going on no I don't know if that's a thing how old are you for the second attempt.

[00:17:19] Nineteen.

[00:17:20] Okay college or working.

[00:17:23] I was in college it was in between my first year of university and then I went to community college and then I went to another college it was in between the university and community college.

[00:17:36] What was happening with that attempt.

[00:17:38] I actually ended up dating this guy for like three months and everything was going great.

[00:17:45] There was nothing wrong and then we met up at a restaurant we're talking and he just looks like somebody gave him the worst news of his life like what's wrong and he's like.

[00:17:59] We have to break up and I'm like what are you talking about and basically his therapist told him.

[00:18:06] That we had to break up the therapist said what are the major things that are happening in your life he said school work and my girlfriend and she said okay which ones disposable.

[00:18:18] And she said use those words which really just that destroyed me at the time I was like wow I'm just disposable and then the fact that.

[00:18:26] He like verified that like because he went through and did it and we met up right after the therapy session too so it was like immediate he put like I don't know how much thought he did between the therapy session when we met up.

[00:18:40] I went home and I was just like completely distraught then he went home and didn't leave his room for two weeks I kind of had a feeling that he had like some type of mental something happening.

[00:18:54] When we are together but after the two weeks and his mom sent him to the hospital he was diagnosed as bipolar.

[00:19:02] And I can totally see that looking back because he was up and down up and down up and down mood wise so I made complete sense to me but.

[00:19:11] He was stuck in his bed for two weeks because what the therapist didn't under like I don't know if they understand but didn't go through with him was he hated school.

[00:19:22] And hated work and I was the only thing that was making him happy wow and then he dropped me and now he's just it destroyed him completely I didn't know how to take that.

[00:19:34] I was like I don't know where to go with this and then for three months I was just in a deep depression so it was literally the three months like between university.

[00:19:44] And community college like the summer break I could not eat or drink.

[00:19:49] Anything except for the only things that my body would keep down because I would involuntarily just keep throwing everything up the only thing is my body would keep down our apples.

[00:20:00] And that all the Arizona Arnold Palmer drink right that you you remember specifically even the brand name wow yeah like it's still to this day.

[00:20:10] I'll drink like Arnold Palmer is all the time because it just it makes me feel better right like a stack of cans like you have one right in front of can you pull one up right now do you have one like near you she's got one.

[00:20:25] I have the right right now Arnold Palmer strawberry is the giant can.

[00:20:32] I am this is twice the size of your head and you're you know like you have an average size had I'd say it's larger than your head so what happens there so what leads you from where you're what you're going through there to actually attempting.

[00:20:45] I wouldn't say that there's a one moment attempt I would say it was a three month long attempt three months of not eating beating myself down to the point that.

[00:20:57] Like I was passing out on the stairs because like there was no nutrition left not taking like any of the vitamins are the pills that I had I was just literally my whole.

[00:21:07] Being was living off of Arnold Palmer and apples and I didn't eat the egg apples a lot like I'd maybe like once every two days or something and I just be living off Arnold Palmer.

[00:21:20] I was involuntarily throwing everything up but I think consciously I was trying to make it so I would eventually die.

[00:21:28] What would you call the the cause of death there should you had died if you had died.

[00:21:33] Probably some type of malnutrition you know it's interesting I went through a little period of my life where I had a really hard time eating which I later figured out was like mostly just sort of massive anxiety.

[00:21:43] I know that because what's the start taking what is it benzo's whatever that family of joggers I was able to eat but it took a lot of you got out and I remember I was eating so little I wouldn't do I would I would only drink the shakes.

[00:21:53] But I remember my brain really being affected at some point by just not eating it yeah I didn't think and so I imagine for you was like that but multiply.

[00:22:02] Yeah I did almost nothing like three months the only things I would do is I like get up and I go for a walk just to get out of the house but that was the opposite of what I should have been doing because now I'm exercising.

[00:22:16] Right yeah but I could see the I could see why you'd want to get out of the house and take a little walk.

[00:22:21] Yeah and I think just like I was like if I walk then it's like now I'm doing more exercise and then it's going to be even worse going on I don't know if I ever stopped and thought to myself I hope that at the end of this process it leads to me dying.

[00:22:38] Yeah but I was pushing myself there I don't know if it was a complete conscious thought yeah looking back on it I was 100% pushing myself in that direction and just hoping that it would work it itself out.

[00:22:53] Parents whomever else is in your life this isn't at all like pointing fingers I'm just curious like does anybody say Jesse you're not doing okay let's go to here let's do this let's try this.

[00:23:06] I mean my dad doesn't pay attention right my mom noticed a bit but she would just get me things to eat and I would eat them like I'd be like craving something eat it and then end up throwing it up anyway.

[00:23:20] And she would get me food should get me like drinks and I wasn't not eating it I don't know she knew I kept throwing it up the only time I eat something that wasn't a palmer apples was when she was like giving it to me.

[00:23:36] So how do you get out of it so when I started community college I joined a group on campus it was actually the first time it was happening I was on the board of it.

[00:23:48] It was for depression and suicide really I don't know if I should say the name of the company but I mean they're a great company to write love on her arms to write love on her arms is still exist.

[00:24:01] Yeah it's like to help people with mental health and their number one thing is like anti suicide to help people with that.

[00:24:10] Yeah it was big with like bands in the punk scene for a long time and I was in that for a while so that's how I knew about it and then they had school chapters we were like the community college chapter doing that really helped me.

[00:24:27] Because I was with other people that understood I was okay for almost two months and then got punched right back down.

[00:24:37] How I was in like the music scene and stuff I wrote songs for a long time I knew a guy.

[00:24:43] For a while that did producing and he was like oh like let's meet up and go over your music I was like okay cool.

[00:24:50] So we want to make like a mini EP type thing so we meet up at his condo because that's where his recording studio was now.

[00:24:59] To the outside people that's like why would you go there but in the music scene everybody's recording studios are in their houses because you don't have to pay for another place sure.

[00:25:12] I go there we talked about music for maybe 30 minutes until he started forcing vodka down my throat and long story short.

[00:25:24] I was there for 24 hours he locked me in the condo and ended up sexually assaulting me three times he just randomly decided to unlock his door like he padlocked the condo door from the inside he unlocked it.

[00:25:40] And was like you can go home and gave me gas money I did not know what to do with that I was just like in a daze for days after that.

[00:25:49] And it took me going to the counselor at the community college because the counselor was part of that group that I was on the board of I was like telling her what happened she was like do you realize what you're telling me.

[00:26:04] And I was like what am I saying like it never occurred to me what happened and she was like he literally sexually assaulted you three times.

[00:26:14] And almost kidnapped you know he didn't he did can help you when I think of kidnapping I think of like all those true crime things and I'm like I can't call myself a kidnap victim but.

[00:26:26] Why don't know the exact definition it may not matter here but I mean I guess I was held against my will for 24 hours.

[00:26:33] It was quite terrible like the extra things like that he was like he I was tied to the bed.

[00:26:39] Is I tried to get up once and he was mad so he tied me to the bed after that I just wanted to get a blanket cuz I was cold.

[00:26:47] So after she said that I was like okay wow what do I do with this.

[00:26:53] I was talking to a guy that worked at the community college and he was friends with the counselor we are talking about it he was mad at me because I didn't go to the police and I was like you know.

[00:27:04] I don't think I want to because I've heard all of the horror stories that nothing good comes out of it.

[00:27:10] I'm like she was a like a veteran honestly who are they gonna believe that was like I'd rather just not have to deal with it anymore.

[00:27:19] I didn't have like anybody really to help me through that because I wasn't really talking to that guy and I didn't want to keep talking to the counselor.

[00:27:28] A guy that I dated my first year of college I ended up talking to him again and we ended up dating for like a year which I don't know why I did that because the first time I dated him.

[00:27:39] We stopped dating after a month because I found out he had a girlfriend so the second time I started dating him about a couple weeks maybe.

[00:27:48] After the assault he said he didn't have the girlfriend anymore turns out he still did at this point and with her for like seven years I found out a few months in and by that point I was like well it's kind of too late because I built.

[00:28:02] Feelings for him and now I don't know what to do now part of me kind of wants to hate him but I can't because he's the only person that was there for me and help me get past it.

[00:28:12] I think that was also part of the reason why to that I couldn't just get up and leave at one point near the end of the year that I was dating him he was going to come to my house and stay for a little bit never showed up so now at this point.

[00:28:28] I wasn't answering the phone either so I didn't know what to do now the only person that helped me get past this is just ghosting me at this point.

[00:28:39] In your what 20 years old at the time yeah by that point I think it was 20 am I going to make a correct guess here that suicide attempt number three is coming soon.

[00:28:49] Yeah I didn't know what to do that night I just kept like fidgeting like I didn't know what to do with myself and then I went to sleep the next morning I tried to contact him and I got nothing.

[00:29:02] I was like you know I'm just gonna kill myself and I drove to my college and went to the counselor and I just said to her I was like I'm gonna kill myself and I think at that point it was like the cry for help she ended up calling the police they sent me to the hospital.

[00:29:20] They are for not even 24 hours talk yourself out yeah I talked myself right out of there they had the psychologist like on zoom.

[00:29:30] Zoom equivalent was back then yeah talking to a TV I'm like oh yeah I'm not that bad no I don't need to be here now it was a momentary thing he goes he doesn't she doesn't need to be here send her on an outpatient.

[00:29:46] And they called my counselor to give her the update she was livid she was like oh my gosh she came in my office she was like I'm gonna kill myself why are you letting her out now like she doesn't need to be here.

[00:29:58] There might be some truth to that even if you want to kill yourself that still might not be the right place because chances are as we know there is no right place.

[00:30:05] Yeah now when I went to the outpatient the outpatient wasn't that great either my outpatient was the second version of therapy that I got.

[00:30:15] The first one was at some point when I was in high school and this woman was a terrible therapist all she did was brag about her daughters are you fucking serious.

[00:30:26] Yeah every time I went in she had no notes I knew more about her daughters than she knew about me and I went to her for a while and eventually I just said to my mom I was like why am I doing this all she does is talk about her daughter she's like why didn't you tell me.

[00:30:40] She went to the desk and told them they went and looked in her files and they found nothing on me and same with some other patients they ended up getting rid of her.

[00:30:50] And they wanted to go to another therapist and I was like I just don't even want to bother now same thing that happens with hospitals often right you go in it sucks why would I go back.

[00:31:00] So this is the second version of therapy you're getting yeah and this woman was the most judgmental woman I've ever met she was worse than the first one is that possible.

[00:31:10] She just judged everybody she made the most like rude remarks everything somebody would say like they're pouring their heart out and she's like but why would you do that I would never do that don't you know you're not supposed to do that.

[00:31:23] Like oh my god you went with them there on the first date late and finishing the program and I just left right after that I ended up in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship.

[00:31:35] This guy like he's one time he punched me in the face like three me against like a brick wall say horrifying things to me he would never let me explain why I didn't like doing certain things sexually.

[00:31:49] Buy my assault you never let me explain it then he is so be mad if I didn't want to do something I finally was just like you know I don't want to do it because of like and I told the whole story and he is like.

[00:32:00] Are you just ruined my sex life and you be mad that I wasn't wearing certain things they just kept going on and on and I was with him for like two years or something until I finally was just done.

[00:32:10] So you have a sounds like you've had a challenging dating life just going by what I'm hearing here my third therapist was during my abusive relationship.

[00:32:19] She was telling me to stay in that everything that was happening was my fault are you really had some shitty luck with therapists Jesse.

[00:32:27] Yeah I don't really want to try another one but everyone keeps telling me you should and even my fourth one was terrible.

[00:32:35] So you're in your twenties I know you're thirty now so that third attempt near attempt attempt was like early twenties.

[00:32:43] I know you said depression has stayed with you your whole life so I know in your twenties you're still dealing with that I know that you've had really shitty luck with therapists.

[00:32:52] And can I say men too yeah okay what's the fourth one that some half attempt or I don't know your exact words that you used to describe it.

[00:33:01] It was almost like the same thing as the third one okay it was in twenty one so it was like three years ago covid happened one day like everything kind of just hit again drove myself to a mall that's like thirty minutes from me.

[00:33:19] I just sat there and I was like trying to figure out a way to just kill myself I need to figure out something that I can do right now.

[00:33:30] I remember hearing on one of the other episodes and I remember what her name was but she said everything she looks at she thinks of how I can kill myself with that I have like the same thoughts.

[00:33:41] But not to her extent like they're not constant but at least like three times a day I'm like I can kill myself with that and it's like a mental note like okay I can use that for later one of the things that does always.

[00:33:56] It's so sad one thing that stops me a lot from killing myself is my cars because I don't want to hurt my car I know that sounds so weird like I love my cars more than I care about myself.

[00:34:11] Usually I hear dogs and cats but you have cars great.

[00:34:14] One of my thoughts was I've always come back to like I can just turn the car on in the garage and eventually die and I'm like yeah but then the car has to go to like hazard clean and like I want to do that to my car.

[00:34:28] What happened at the mall though do you turn around you just leave so I'm sitting there for a while and my now boyfriend ended up texting me and I was like.

[00:34:38] Hey I'm at this mall I remember exactly what I said to him but I said something along the lines of like I just want to die.

[00:34:46] And he immediately went to the mall and stayed with me and I feel so bad for what he went through because for two weeks and it was right when we first started dating.

[00:34:55] I was just crying constantly and just constantly like I just want to die.

[00:35:01] I just burst into tears I have no control over it like for two weeks straight and I don't know why he stayed but he did I'm amazed that he stayed at one point he said he was like asking his friends is like a shoe testing.

[00:35:14] I was like that would be a terrible thing to do to somebody.

[00:35:19] When you had said that day that led to the two weeks of crying after the mall like that it would just things had piled up just piled up.

[00:35:26] I mean everybody was hit by code it was that it was I mean I have a lot of cars so I do look at them a lot and I'm like oh my god that's a lot to do and it just seems so overwhelming.

[00:35:38] And that gives me like tremendous anxiety and then I get depressed because I'm like oh my god they're like my poor children are sitting in the driveway and they.

[00:35:48] What cars do you have Jesse 21 what.

[00:35:53] Where are they.

[00:35:54] On my property.

[00:35:56] What do you live in are you in the country.

[00:35:59] It's like old farmland suburban rural.

[00:36:02] Do you restore them do you do the mechanical work as well.

[00:36:05] Yeah I do everything except for like major frame fixes that I have to take it to a shop but other than that I do like everything.

[00:36:16] You just learned it on the go or how do you learn stuff like that.

[00:36:19] Yeah I came from a family of drag racers.

[00:36:21] Oh shit.

[00:36:22] So my dad hit his best friend that I called my uncle and my dad's cousin did a lot of drag racing and it was the type of drag racing that you bring your own car you fix your own car.

[00:36:38] You find yourself and you just drag race on Sundays so that's pretty much where I got it from.

[00:36:45] My uncle was like always telling me when I was younger oh you're gonna be the one that's in the cars when I turned one years old he gave me a huge hot wheels collection.

[00:36:53] It was so sad because he actually died yeah a few months before I got my driver's license ended up dying which was sad because he never got to see any of my cars or anything that I got to do.

[00:37:07] Yeah I still think he's around and I think he really likes my Camaro.

[00:37:11] Why were you looking for a podcast with the word suicide in it is somewhat recently.

[00:37:17] I think for the exact reason that you're making it quite honestly I hear like podcasts about death podcasts about mental illness and I'm like you know every day.

[00:37:30] Like when I was in the hospital they deemed me on the suicide watch if unless they had a really well hidden camera no one was watching me and there were things in there like I could have done it if I really wanted to like if I really was resourceful.

[00:37:45] I mean I think about it all the time like whenever they have like those questionnaires about mental illness and I'm like have you thought about suicide and I'm like you know the answer is yes but I'm not like constantly every day like.

[00:37:58] Let me kill myself and I'm going through with the plan every single day I guess they call like the suicide suicidal tendencies and I just really wanted to know if other people were thinking the same thing.

[00:38:11] They are yes I literally typed in the word suicide on the Apple podcast and it came up and I was like oh and it actually took me a little bit to listen to one of them and when I finally did I was like wow I'm not the only person thinking this.

[00:38:27] Yeah yeah definitely helped because now I really know I'm not alone in my thought process.

[00:38:34] How many people know that we're talking just my boyfriend how many people know about any of your attempts not many mostly just my boyfriend probably some of my exes maybe a couple friends that I had other than that not really anybody.

[00:38:51] How often I guess my mom knows because she was told about the hospital stay but I don't know how much she was told.

[00:38:58] Seven years ago you had a conversation or maybe a series of conversations with your mom and said you were twenty three what led to those conversations after you know there was a long time where you probably weren't talking about these things and it all comes out then what was going on.

[00:39:11] My dad actually has all timers now a lot of the things that he's saying kind of just made me reflect on my life made me realize that my entire childhood my dad was turning me against my mom he was.

[00:39:27] Constantly complaining to me about her telling me how terrible she was how she like didn't want me to do this didn't want me to do that and then would raise himself.

[00:39:37] Like in my eyes like he'd be like I want you to go do this I will let you do this I will buy you this made me not like my mother.

[00:39:47] I'm sad because we never got to have a relationship that like a good one until it was twenty three I didn't realize any of that and that's what I get told my mom and she was like oh my god I explained so much she's like that explains why you hated me.

[00:40:01] Do you have this like big long sit down combo with mom and the other stuff comes up about some of the stuff we've talked about here.

[00:40:08] The main thing that we talked about was my father and we did end up bringing up the fifth grade girl thing and she's like oh my god they never told me that and honestly I did think I thought they told her but apparently they never did.

[00:40:23] And the hospital where the doctor was telling me things that should probably be a malpractice suit but right right right how many sit down combos have you had with your mom like that since.

[00:40:35] Not too many late we don't really have like an entire sit down conversation like it was mainly that first one.

[00:40:43] I want something will like jog a memory and we'll talk about that and it's and that goes back to do I wanted my parents to get a divorce because it was weird because growing up is like my dad hated my mom and i don't know if my mom didn't know that any of that was happening.

[00:41:01] So she's just like on the other side going why am i being hated so much.

[00:41:06] How many people do you have to talk to and you can actually use the following words in this conversation when you're talking to somebody ready here's the short list ready really depressed hashtag suicide hashtag that's my use for a comma or semi colon i don't know why i'm suicidal ideating.

[00:41:25] Yeah those that's my short list and you can say those words and still engage in a conversation where you don't feel really shitty afterwards.

[00:41:31] I believe just my boyfriend he doesn't have like any really struggles with mental illness so he does have a bit of a hard time fully understanding things that i've gone through and how i'm feeling.

[00:41:44] But he does really try he actually listens and he doesn't judge me for any of it he's easy to talk to about it and he also stayed when i tried to die for two weeks straight.

[00:41:56] Points to him for him for sure do you you said earlier that you think about ways kind of like one of the other guests we recently had where it was why do i say we it's just me.

[00:42:08] We it's just me so if you're thinking that way fairly often like are you thinking about not taking your own life but is the idea of suicide on your brain on your mind most days.

[00:42:18] Yeah i'd say i probably think about it at least three times a day have you thought about it today yeah yeah i know that you had a very rocky relationship with your therapist did you ever receive a diagnosis that you think is correct.

[00:42:32] The diagnosis diagnosis see that i had her depression anxiety like a social anxiety PTSD and i want to say there's another one but i can't remember what it is the suicidal ideation.

[00:42:48] Do you take medication.

[00:42:49] I can't so i've tried to take antidepressants multiple times i get every single side effect.

[00:42:57] I haven't been able to take medication which is probably why i also am constantly down pretty much never been able to actually try to complete them because i can't even have the pills really more than a day the only thing that's actually kind of worked is i've been doing ketamine.

[00:43:17] Okay.

[00:43:17] But if i take it too much i'm just sleepy does anything else help you feel okay i mean i know you've got your cars your babies yes does anything else make you feel help you feel a little less crappy shitty.

[00:43:28] Mostly cars and music i'd say wait do you have spotify apple music.

[00:43:34] If i were to see your playlist there what genre would come up most different variations of punk.

[00:43:40] Okay you like pop punk did you or do you ever wish any of those attempts had worked.

[00:43:47] Oh that's hard to say looking back on everything i mean i'm not mad that i've gotten to this point i don't think i would have been that mad not that you can be mad if you're ready.

[00:43:59] To me the only thing i've accomplished in my life is like a whole lot of cars.

[00:44:04] I mean it to me that's the only thing that i've done and part of me is kind of like well it's the only thing i'm gonna do like the flip side of that is because i'm constantly like thinking about ways to like kill myself.

[00:44:19] I don't see my future that's such like a weird thing to think about because i don't have like a set.

[00:44:26] Future in my mind that i know i want to do which makes it hard to like really motivate myself to do anything because the only thing i see that i'm doing in my life is my cars.

[00:44:39] Make sense why you put a lot of attention to your cars yeah yeah like i have like a list right next to me of everything that needs to be done i'm slowly crossing it out like.

[00:44:49] The list isn't gonna get any shorter we both know it's never gonna get.

[00:44:53] You have 21 fucking cars jesse and by the time this comes out in a couple months you're probably have 40 fucking cars.

[00:44:59] No no i'm actually shrinking the collection by.

[00:45:03] Because the goal was to have one of every model and I have a couple extras that I don't want or need so it's going to be down to 16 and.

[00:45:13] Well believe you i'll believe that when i hear about yeah.

[00:45:16] Now slightly sensitive question here maybe and this is i'm thinking back to that i called him a moron now i want to change it to an imbecile.

[00:45:23] Doctor when you were in 10th 5th grade he said you couldn't swim or dance you did both you said you wouldn't date you've done that.

[00:45:31] Nobody would ever love you i can't speak on behalf of your boyfriend he probably is wrong about that but he also mentioned something about kids.

[00:45:37] But he also mentioned something about kids does that something that you're trying to do want to do or is that because you'd mentioned something about future just there and i was like huh where does that does that tie into anything.

[00:45:48] It was put in my head when i was 10 that i can't have kids so i've just been living my whole life knowing i'll never have kids.

[00:45:55] Now it's hard to like it be hard to like switch and be like oh yeah now i want kids because i realize that guy was lying to me because it's already set in my mind.

[00:46:05] And also like i'm on like school uses pages on facebook and a lot of them have had not so much like horror stories but they're like when you're pregnant then your back and get worse and then you have to take care of the kid.

[00:46:18] And your worse if i had a girl it's still passing down right that kid to have a worse spine than i do.

[00:46:27] Super weird question i've never asked this before and it may not make the final version ready.

[00:46:32] Okay relating to kids next week you find out you're pregnant dot dot dot.

[00:46:37] Honestly i get an abortion thankfully in new jersey that's still 100% cool and say it would be really hard in order for that to happen i mean i've never been told i can technically have kids but i also have PCOS that's the poly cystic.

[00:46:53] I'm very in syndrome which really messes with like the hormones and mix it very difficult to get pregnant and then because of that i've always been on like the birth control pill.

[00:47:07] Pink and purple pill i give this pill to you and it does two things you go to sleep you die without pain and if you choose you can also no one will know that it's a suicide what do you do you take it tonight save it or get rid of it.

[00:47:23] Do you think that kind of bill should be available.

[00:47:25] Yeah i mean like that's like the assisted suicide thing i would say mostly for like when you're sick.

[00:47:32] How do you find sick.

[00:47:33] Like if you're literally gonna die anyway.

[00:47:37] I have really bad news for you or maybe it's good news we are gonna die anyway.

[00:47:42] Well yes yes.

[00:47:44] Not to get all existential here i just wonder who decides then if you're sick enough to take that pill is that your choice is that a doctor's choice is that somebody else's choice.

[00:47:55] Unfortunately now it's a doctor's choice i mean we should all be in control of our own fate i mean one of the things that i've said a lot in my life.

[00:48:06] Is that a lot of studying on suicide when i was in community college to was everyone says suicide is selfish.

[00:48:14] Here we go you just did my last question.

[00:48:17] No no it's like we're the myths go on i'm sorry to cut you off.

[00:48:21] So like everyone says suicide selfish but if you've attempted suicide multiple times you really don't want to be here and you really just want to die when is it selfish for them to want to keep you here.

[00:48:35] When does the table turn it's not right for you to keep gilting them like when you attempt your if you're in a hospital after you attempted and the person that's next to your bedside going how could you do this to me.

[00:48:47] Right right we need you here when are you selfish for wanting me to stay because now you're making your guilty me into staying and i'm miserable every day and i still want to die.

[00:48:58] And they're probably nowhere around.

[00:49:00] Exactly.

[00:49:02] Any other myths or misconceptions other than the selfish which is a pretty common one.

[00:49:06] I don't know i think that's pretty much like the main one i've only ever really thought of yeah i've heard other people say like oh it's not always you want to die like sometimes it's just like you want out of the situation it's a cry for help things like that.

[00:49:22] Yeah i guess it just really depends on the situation and what's driven them to that point and how many times can you get there.

[00:49:29] Yeah your thirty one's your birthday it's in february you're gonna make it to thirty one i would say like from where i am now i don't see why not what are you gonna do what's the rest of your day like two thirty five east coast time.

[00:49:44] So it's like cold yeah just been mostly working on my property and working on my car is since pretty much when i've just been doing all day playing with my dog.

[00:49:57] What what kind of dog do you have a pug.

[00:50:00] Okay very cute dogs in cars and you're waiting for spring warmer weather all right let's go back to our super duper exciting lives i'll go thank you again for speaking with me do you think you'll listen to the podcast when it comes out.

[00:50:14] I don't know about my own voice.

[00:50:20] Well either way there will be people that hear it so thank you.

[00:50:24] Bye.

[00:50:27] As always thanks so much for listening and all of your support special thanks to Jesse up in New Jersey thanks Jesse if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk please reach out hello at suicide noted.com on Facebook or Twitter slash X which by the way we rarely use but nonetheless our handle on social media is at.

[00:50:51] Suicide noted and oh by the way you can reach out for any other reason you want even if you don't want to be a guest I'd love to hear from you a question a comment an idea I'm game check the show notes to learn more about the podcast including our membership.

[00:51:05] And a little love with ratings and reviews on podcast platforms especially apple really does help people find this podcast and we want more people to find it because there are some people out there who probably need it and that is all for episode number two hundred eleven.

[00:51:19] Stay strong do the best you can I'll talk to you soon.