Jed in Louisiana

[00:00:00] It's a real fucked up situation to be an empathetic, caring person who is also a drug addict. Because it's like you're watching yourself do these things in third person. I wish I didn't feel the pain that I caused, but I do.

[00:00:38] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast I talk with suicide attempt survivors and ideators so that we can hear their stories. Every year around the world millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it. I think we're talking less and less about it. So we not only don't do it enough, we're just not good at it. Why would we be? We don't learn it. Well there's all sorts of reasons. In fact that's what I'll make this week's poll question if I can.

[00:01:04] One of the reasons I do this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with survivors in large part to help more people in more places hopefully feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. That hashtag never really took off. Almost six years in so many things have gone right, but there have been a whole lot of other things that haven't quite looked or worked out the way I had wanted. But that is life, is it not? That is just the way things go. I am just a man child or a child man who thinks otherwise and has yet to learn these little nuggets of wisdom.

[00:01:32] They're painful like my teeth are right now. But I digress. If you are a suicide attempt survivor or ideator and you'd like to talk please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com. I'd love to talk with you. Learn more at suicidenoted.com. If there's something you want to know about that you can't find there, it is a pretty basic website. Shoot me an email or you can find me on social media.

[00:01:54] You may have noticed there are only weekly episodes now every Monday like it used to be back in the day. Once a week for a little while, then we're going to get back to our update episodes. That should be really cool. But for now, we're talking about suicide here on this podcast as we have for six years now or just about. Please take that into account before you listen or as you listen. You can hit pause. You can hit stop. You can walk away.

[00:02:16] But I do hope whether it's here or elsewhere, you listen because there's so much to learn. Today I am talking with Jed. Jed lives in Louisiana and he is a suicide attempt survivor. Jed. All right. Let's just start off right here. People. Yeah, go for it. I'm talking to a guy named Jed. You live in Louisiana? I do. Jed, can I say your last name? Yeah. You want to start a conversation off around suicide with the guy named Jed? Ayn.

[00:02:45] This is what you want. Two, there's things around drugs and churches and that's part of your work and organization. So right off the bat, we're down in the fucking bayou or near it, which I don't care if you're- We're in it. So we're in the bayou, which is good. I'm not. You are. Paying drugs and church. Like what can go wrong in this conversation at this point? Exactly. Exactly. So we found each other through a guy named Jason in Georgia. Yeah.

[00:03:13] I had a conversation with him. He actually referred me to a couple people. No one refers me ever, but he's just wanted to and that worked out well. Yeah, it's like a kindred spirit sort of thing. I think he figured out quickly that it was a big crossover. So I love that guy, man. Well, I'll give myself a pat on the back too because he wouldn't refer me to someone if he didn't trust me. This is true. You just get that vibe. Where are you coming from?

[00:03:40] I'm from New York, but I live in Mexico City. Oh, wow. Yeah. You found the podcast through this other person, so you've never heard an episode. Uh-uh. You know what we're talking about? Oh, yeah. Yeah. My immediate thought, and this is just as a, um, as a podcaster myself, I was like, God, how does he get through the brigade of like internet censorship in regards? I mean, even just the title.

[00:04:06] That's a good question. I mean, there's no brigade because I think what mostly happens is, whether it's social media or elsewhere, it just doesn't get shown to a lot of people. In other words, when I publish something, obviously you can hear it, but does it come up on your, you should listen to this? Sure. Does TikTok or whoever the fuck show it to people? No, they do not. Yeah. I mean, but I'm almost six years in. I don't know what I'm talking about.

[00:04:32] I'm not anti-anything suicide awareness or prevention. This is just a complimentary approach that literally doesn't exist, and you have a lot of human beings who don't get to talk at all, and that's a problem. Yeah. Agree. And how old are you, Jed? I am 38. 38. I didn't mean to cut you off. What were you going to say? No, no. That's been my philosophy on my show as well is like whatever, radical disclosure,

[00:05:00] radical honesty, and it has yet to be a negative. It's yet to bite me in the ass. And I had, I'm taking a break from it, but in my professional life, I was an addictions counselor, and that was a big thing too. I was like, I wonder how this is going to go with, it only happened one time where a sister of a client looked me up, but still, it was like, I'm not saying anything that didn't just happen. I mean, it's just the truth. I don't know what else you want to know. You're just talking about reality, right? Right.

[00:05:29] And some people have a problem with that. I've had like only a few people push back, and I had conversations or tried to, and I was like, we can disagree. That's cool. Your point of view is that if I'm not actively discouraging, that's encouraging. I disagree. Thanks for letting me know. Yeah. There's nothing I'm going to say that's going to change your mind, and that's not what I'm not using my energy for that. Your podcast is called what? Church and Other Drugs. Church and Other Drugs.

[00:05:56] So I'm a smart guy. Out of 10, 5.5. Church and Other Drugs is implying that church is a drug. It's a, we'll call it a salacious attention grabber. More of the Genesis was, I mean, originally, and I've been doing it for 10 years in December. So like originally I had a buddy, we started it. We were both addicts. We both got sober. So we were in 12-step programs. And then we

[00:06:23] both happened to be Christians who disagreed with a metric shit ton of what was going on in the church at the time and is still going on. And basically we were like, there was a lot one could learn from the other. And so we were trying to sort of bridge a gap. It's obviously since evolved into a lot of different things, but that's kind of the core theme of the crossover between, um, spirituality,

[00:06:48] addiction, religion. Um, I come from, uh, and it kind of plays into some of my suicidal stuff too. Um, a lot of spiritual trauma growing up, like the, uh, eternal fate of the soul and like the world being a place that is just filled with suffering and trying to reconcile those things. And so for me,

[00:07:12] when I discovered drugs, a lot of it at the very outset was self was like, Oh God, this is just better than thinking at the moment. But mean, all right, let's just like, let's just put a pin on that for a moment or not even what you said. There's a lot of truth to what you just said. Yeah. Like the reason why I don't do drugs is because I fucking love drugs. Yep. If it's a white powder, there's no encouraging here. Like I'm not encouraging people what to do my life and it's not,

[00:07:42] there's others like, I'm telling you bro, I don't know how there aren't more addicts and there are a lot of them. I think there, yeah, I think there are, uh, it's just what's your, what's your poison of choice, but I know what you mean. I know what you mean. And I think it's, it's one of those. Yeah. It's one of those like, Oh, do you ever wonder why people say things are like crack? Like, you know, probably cause it's pretty, uh, it's pretty nice and it's pretty gets its hooks drugs. As much as they killed me, they absolutely saved my life.

[00:08:11] So you don't know much about me or this podcast. I have a gift for memoir titles, Jed, not for writing them or not for ghostwriting, just the title. Okay. You probably have already thought of this yourself cause you're some sort of fucking entrepreneur with 10 years and God knows what else, but what did you just say? Drugs did what and what? As much as drugs killed me, they absolutely saved my life.

[00:08:36] The real honest paradox and alliteration. And I am very tempted to move in that direction, whether you like it or not for your memoir title. It's good. What drugs didn't kill me made me stronger. A little too cliche. Too cliche? Even after we talk today, there's no guarantee we're going to stay in touch or that we're going to be alive, but we still probably have some time. Yeah. And then, and then we have a whole subtitle issue to deal with. Yep. No, I mean, that's where the real magic happens in the subtitle.

[00:09:06] As we say here in Mexico, poco a poco, paso a paso. That's baby steps, my man. So congrats on 10 plus years for your podcast. That is not easy. Yeah. I was going to say the same for you. That's it's a, it's something like 90% don't even make it 10 episodes. Yeah. But I'm solo. Yeah. That's brutal. I got shit. I got one person up on the last few months, but like it has been hard and I'm broke. Hey, same here. You brought up a lot of things I want to talk about. In addition to the questions, they all

[00:09:35] meld in. You're an addict. You have a lot of tattoos. You were or are a Christian. Yep. At some point, I'm going to ask you the following question. I've noted it already, but not necessarily now your thoughts on Christian nationalism. Okay. I don't know if you have any interest in talking about them. Yes. I would love to. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Spiritual trauma, suicide, drugs, church. So I mean, like we got a lot of starting points. So why don't we do this? Okay. The amateur podcast interviewer.

[00:10:05] Okay. Jed, tell me about your childhood. This guy says this, Jed, how many suicide attempts do you have? So are we can. Now, here we go. I know. I want to qualify and define. I will say two, probably like two real, maybe five total points of beyond ideation and into planning type of thing.

[00:10:35] So that really is, you get to define. Some people would say that's seven. Some would say that's two, but that's fine. Right. Let me, let me, let me ask you a few questions about that. In fact, we're going to talk a lot about that if you're cool with it. Yeah, it is. Do you remember, you're 38 years old. Do you remember when you first thought, I'm not sure I want to be alive? I do. I was thinking about that for this. And I, so I guess I'll actually, this would

[00:11:00] have been the first. So when I was 10 and 11, I, it was the first time I moved from a small town to a bigger city. I'd always, always had anxiety. This was the first time in my life. It was like the confluence of like pre-puberty, moving to a new city, not fitting in and getting bullied. And so I developed, uh, these ticks, like these anxious ticks. I would blink. It

[00:11:26] was Tourette's. Um, and I would breathe out of my nose, which I got mercilessly bullied for, which would just feed. It was just a horrible cycle. That was the first time I went to a psychiatrist. And at that time they put me on, which I now know is like a ridiculously heavy gun, antipsychotic, uh, or spare it all, uh, for the Tourette's the actual, how old

[00:11:50] I was. That's fuzzy. It was like between 11 and 13. I remember feeling low enough that I took the whole bottle. That's like the classic immature idea of like, that's what you do when you, when you want to kill yourself is you just take a bottle of pills. Uh, and I did that with those pills. Do you know why it was that day? It was kind of. At that point, that's

[00:12:14] when I remember starting to just get really heavy existential lows. There wasn't, there wasn't like an event I do. So, and this may sound silly to people, uh, but this is one of like my first traumas was I was a huge imagination, uh, role-playing kid, like elaborate scenarios with my toys and stuff. And it like brought in immense amount of fulfillment. And I do

[00:12:44] remember the day that I went to do that and I couldn't do it anymore. It was like my Peter Pan moment, I guess where, and it was very devastating because it was like my looking back, my primary coping skill for like reality was just, you couldn't do it because of the drugs. No, I had just aged out of it. I think it was just sort of like my imagination no longer worked in that way grown up out of that, but not into anything else. So I was just in this weird

[00:13:12] lurch. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that was just when I started getting depression. And I think also as an 11 year old, I was not disciplined in taking my medication when I was supposed to, I think. So it was like, you know, taking it one day, not taking it for three days. And that's like number one thing to not do with mental health medication, chemical yo-yo.

[00:13:39] Yeah. Which is also a pretty good name for a member title, by the way. Chemical, that is a good one. Yeah. I mean, you came up with it, bro. Chemical yo-yo. This was around the same time that I started my first drug thing was smoking weed when I was 12. Because of my Christian upbringing and the beliefs at that time, the guilt associated with that stuff was huge. I mean, massive, massive,

[00:14:07] massive. So you're a kid, what part of Louisiana are you in then? So at this point, I'm in, I grew up in South Carolina. All right. So what kind of church are we talking about? It was, uh, I grew up in a Southern Presbyterian church. I don't know what that means, but I'm sure it was pretty serious. Yeah. And it, and so I always say to, I'm not entirely sure what I was taught. I just remember

[00:14:30] what I heard. And what I heard was, uh, I'm a sinner. Sinners are punished and go to hell. Well, sexual sin is some of the worst, but God loves you and doesn't want you to go to hell. So I was very obsessive. I, I, this is when I became obsessed with like salvation anxiety, like saying the sinner's prayer, like every day, always asking my parents, am I saved? Like, am I going to go to heaven?

[00:14:59] That's a lot of pressure. It's a lot for a kid. It's a lot. And that's just kind of like my, whatever old soul, emotionally older. Like I just was always very, I felt these things very, very deep. Yeah. Some, some kids would have just left church and go play. Right. When you say spiritual trauma, we're getting into that world to some degree. Yes. Yep. So then my formative, like my middle school, high school, this would have been

[00:15:26] the early two thousands, uh, purity culture, youth group movement, which put an extremely heavy emphasis on sexual sins and premarital sex. And in your, in your church, uh, this was nice. This was nationwide. This was a pretty big promise purity culture. Like you've heard of a promise ring. No, Jed. No, I don't know. But I know what a fucking mood ring is. Zach, can I give you

[00:15:56] my, but there's another word purity. There's another word. It's a straight edge. Different than straight edge. Uh, cause purity culture straight edge was, which I became a part of too, just because it was like the only cool thing to be and not do drugs. Purity culture was heavily religious based. And, uh, the analogy they would give girls was when you marry your husband, do you want to give them a whole apple or an apple core? Because

[00:16:23] every time you have sex, someone's taking a bite out of your apple. If that sums it up for you, these are what they were teaching us, right? Well, that's what you were hearing. That's what your words. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Very good. Very good. By the way, you just summed up the issues with both teaching and human communication very, very well. Yeah. It's less the words that come out of the mouth and what the person hears and or processes. If you could sum that up, it could be a millionaire sum it up and sell it baby. Um, people,

[00:16:51] people try, but what's, what's interesting to me is as this is going on in South Carolina, uh, rich, rich history there with all kinds of things in terms of religion and race. And this isn't this podcast, but you know, but it influences things for sure. Yeah. Um, Jed's white, by the way, if anyone's wondering, um, I think, I think, I think you could be like native or something. Yep. I get that. But you're a pretty white guy. Yep. Yeah. It's true.

[00:17:19] Yeah, no, I mean, me too. You just have a lot more hair than I do, which you can go fuck yourself, but that's, we might edit that part out. Who knows? We'll say, we'll see the mood I'm in when I'm editing this thing. So, but so the purity culture is happening when you're smoking weed at 12 years old. Yes. And what, this is what I found. So this is also around the time that I discovered masturbation. This is also around the time that like porno VHSs were being passed around

[00:17:46] the friend group. Um, and what I found was, and so what would happen was I would go through these very intense cycles of, it's called like the sin repentance cycle where it's like, I do something wrong. I get intense guilt after it. Typically right after, you know, the sexual act, I throw myself at God, like, Oh, please forgive me. Please forgive me. It's this big emotional

[00:18:12] upheaval at church. They're called altar calls where like you would go and like, Oh, you do this publicly. Yeah. I mean, you're, you're doing it privately, but you're doing it publicly. I'm not saying it out loud. And what I found was that if I did drugs, I was able to have sexual experiences guilt-free, uh, number one, guilt-free. And then number two, because I had this very distorted,

[00:18:38] it's like, I was kind of taught sex from porn, which is pretty common, especially nowadays. And I had this idea that dude, that sex was supposed to last like two and a half hours. And right. That was not the case, but I found that on, on, on certain drugs, this was achievable. So it was kind of, but you're talking about, but you're 12, are you getting laid at 12? No, but, um, my first sexual experience was just a girl laying on top of me while we were making out.

[00:19:08] And I came in my pants and it was like, love your honesty. That'd be pretty common. The, the, the uncommon addition I think was the sense of like, I am the worst person alive because I just had this experience. I mean, I'm, I'm for some reason feeling like that might be a threat in your life, but I don't know if that's true. Um, do you, do you, so this is at what age and then what, and then when, and when was that first attempt?

[00:19:35] That was around 12. Now we're into, you know, 13, 14, 15, 16. Okay. And so that's, that's, that's what you were just describing with, which I like, and I haven't heard that term before as a middle-aged Jewish dude from New York, this sin repentance something cycle. Yeah. Uh, sin repentance, forgiveness. Oh, forgiveness sin. The SRF cycle. Yep. I haven't done any of them. Wait, I've done the sin.

[00:20:05] I don't know if I've done the repentance or the forgiveness, but I I'm good at sin, baby. Yeah. I mean, I haven't even outgrown it yet. I'm just embracing it. Maybe this podcast is my way of somehow offsetting it a little bit. Who knows? Yeah, there you go. So you get through those years. I know you don't die for sure. That's proven. Yep. Unless we're getting into some really weird shit and that's just a different podcast also. Right.

[00:20:32] What happens in your teenage years and into your twenties and then there's another attempt to come in? Mm-hmm. I shot up heroin for the first time when I was 17. Uh, and that was also the first time I went to a residential treatment center, which happened to be a faith-based place in North Carolina. Because of the heroin?

[00:20:51] Uh, so ironically, it was just for drugs. My drug use just got ridiculous and out of control. And ironically, I, my rationale, and I truly believed it at the time was like, because I still had these like Christian beliefs, I was like, well, I know that I'm not going to do drugs and drink forever because I'm a Christian, obviously.

[00:21:11] So I'm just going to get it out of the way. And I became very obsessed with like Hunter S Thompson and like Requiem for a Dream was like my most watched movie at that time. So I, and I was, I was very much like the, I fell in love with the idea of like the tortured drunken artist. And like that, that is like what I kind of went after as an, as an image.

[00:21:34] Do you use your community, which includes presumably your religious parents, maybe religious siblings? At the time, I have an older sister. Yeah. She was going through her rebellious stage. So nobody knew what was going. It was very much a double life. No, but your parents had no idea their son was doing heroin. No, not at first. No, they had no idea that your son was masturbating or having sex.

[00:21:59] They found out slowly over time. And by the time they, they found out I was doing heroin when they dropped me off at rehab. They thought they were sending me for other things, which like I got into cocaine and. Let me ask you a question that we don't have to include if you don't want to. Okay. As somebody who's done every drug except for heroin, and there's a really good reason for that. How fucking good. Honestly, tell me how fucking good is heroin? Oh, it's the best. Period. Yeah. It's incredible. Right. And that's the reason why I haven't done it.

[00:22:28] Yeah. Oh yeah. It's incredible. Now, but now, but now you got to be really careful because you might not only get addicted to heroin, but you might die from banned fentanyl. Oh, you like. Oh, it's, it's, it's more than a, it's like a 50, 50 now. I mean, the duck game is completely. Is that with coke and meth too? Oh yeah. The last time I bought cocaine, I tested it and it came back for fentanyl. How long ago was that?

[00:22:52] That was within the last year. Yeah. I, I'm just coming off a relapse. That's a whole other story. We'll get into it. So when you, so when you're, when you're doing all of the teenage years into your twenties, how old are you for your second attempt? That would have been around 21 or 22. All right. In that time, you kind of painted a kind of pretty good picture of like life and religion and sin and repentance and forgiveness.

[00:23:21] And like how often or how deep are you ideating? From the time I was 17, really until 28, like the longest amount of time I was not in a drug treatment center was two years. I was just in and out of treatment because I got sent away from home to go to treatment. This is when I moved to Louisiana.

[00:23:44] So my 20 to like 26 were the hardest using worst years of my life for sure. And that's connected to thinking about killing yourself. Yeah, it was, it was using with very reckless abandon. Like it was like, I don't, I don't fucking care. This particular time I was really heavy into Xanax and this is another thing.

[00:24:10] I don't know if you've heard it in your talks, but I have just anecdotally asking around and I want to do like a study on it. But when I am on Xanax, the suicidal ideation that I have is just a thousand fold. I don't know what it is about my depression and my suicidal ideation is just a thousand fold. I don't know what it is about that specifically, but it was just dark.

[00:24:35] And I was at a, this particular night, I don't remember being especially sad, but I went, I was at a house party at my girlfriend at the time's house. I went into their bathroom and I was like, I'm fucking done dude. And I just got, um, I don't remember if it was scissors or what it was, but I just started hacking at my wrist.

[00:25:05] I remember getting very upset that I couldn't quite, I did both, both sides. Just like I was crying at this point and just eventually just like covered in blood. And I walked outside. Everyone is just, it's a fucking house party. And I walk out and I'm, I'm just all fucked up and I'm holding my wrists out. And I just remember saying like, I didn't, I don't think I did it right. And everyone, I mean, it was just like a record stop moment.

[00:25:34] Everyone was like, what the fuck? I mean, if that's not a record stop moment, then the concept of it was, yeah, man, the party ended very, it was just like, what the fuck happened? I was, yeah, I was sobbing, dude. I was just like, so, and then that was one, like the next day waking up, uh, and just kind of like, what the fuck happened there? And I was actually going to ask you, I know we're hip hopping around a little bit, but it's okay. Yeah. Editing and the audience can handle it.

[00:26:00] What I didn't ask you when you were, when you were younger in your first attempt, when you OD'd on those, uh, uh. Respiradol. What, what happened? I got very, uh, fucked up in a not great way. Like it was like, I was like, I blacked out eventually. I was not right for a couple of days after it was definitely, um, it was like, well, that didn't work out. And this is not at all what I thought that was going to be. Um, but not, but not, but not sent anywhere.

[00:26:30] No, my parents didn't know about that one. Somehow I was able to, to play that one off. Um, no, I didn't get sent anywhere. So your first time you go somewhere for anything is what you referenced in North Carolina in your teenage years for the drug addiction. Yes. Yep. That would have been kind of in between first attempt and second attempt, just kind of doing some math. Yep. And at that point you're an addict. Oh yeah. Full blown. And your drugs of choice are heroin and anything else. What else?

[00:26:59] At, at that time, uh, I was into, uh, IV cocaine and Xanax and heroin. Uppers and downers. Yeah. Speedball is like my main, like heroin and Coke in a syringe is like, if I could pick anything on earth, that's what I would pick. That can't be healthy. Ah, you know, it doesn't, you know, the little heart confusion never hurt nobody. Oh, really? Yeah. Really? No, it's not good. I mean, I'm.

[00:27:26] Although there's an, there's an argument to be made that people would be overdosing less on fentanyl, less on fentanyl. Um, if they were doing some correct uppers with it, I, my buddy reversed a fentanyl overdose on me by shooting me up with meth. That's a true story. No, I'm sure. I mean, it's chemicals and they act in interesting ways and did the legality, morality, whatever ality of it is irrelevant. We're just talking about chemicals. Right. Absolutely.

[00:27:54] I mean, all the other stuff is just rhetoric and whatever we choose to ascribe to it, including your faith. Um, so it was around this time that, so the faith thing, this is where I developed this idea. Uh, once again, part of like what I heard and part of like a Presbyterian idea is this idea of like, uh, the wretchedness of mankind. It's called, uh, like full depravity, like the depravity of man that like, man is this by your nature.

[00:28:21] You are this, uh, object of wrath, the sinful creature and the world is broken and we're not, you're supposed to be in the world, but not of the world. So I really developed this idea like, then why don't I just kill myself so I can skip all the bullshit and go to heaven? I was very, very convinced of this idea. Yeah, but you can go to heaven drug overdose on a drug overdose. Well, so the idea is that like Jesus died for your sins.

[00:28:50] If you're saved, then yes, the, the whole suicide is a mortal sin. That's a Catholic idea. I didn't buy into that. I still don't. Yeah. The whole, there's a unforgivable sin type of thing is kind of made up in my opinion. A lot of things that are made up, Chad. Right. Right. So I believe this to the point that I was asking pastors, like, like meeting with them and being like, they were, it was very catching them off guard. I was like, so why can't I just kill myself then?

[00:29:19] Like, I don't want to do this. Yeah. The life sucks. Can I not just go to like, is it not the same? Like is, is the, like, I thought I had discovered some kind of loophole, which even in, but I found out later, even in the Bible, Paul, like straight up wrote, like, I kind of wish I could kill myself to go be with God, but like, I can't. So that sucks. So, so these pastors, oh man, like did any of them, were any of them able to at least hear you and engage with you in a way that was. Oh yeah.

[00:29:48] They were kind. They were kind. Nobody, nobody endorsed it. No, no, no, no. And it was very much like the idea being like, well, something's probably wrong with your belief system. If like, that's what you're getting. But you're a smart guy. You can, I bet you tried to, I bet you tried to refute that idea with them. Yeah, I did.

[00:30:13] I mean, it was, it was like, I still, I would walk away from that not satisfied with the answer because at that time I still, even despite, I was like the classic drunken preacher, like all fucked up telling people how, like, if you don't change your life, you know. Like, so I was very, very lost in my addiction and confused.

[00:30:37] It's a weird thing being like having this very core belief and then at the same time living the, the exact opposite. Um, there was an internal struggle almost always. And that really feeds into just getting more high so that you don't have to fucking think about what you're doing. And, and in all of this time are those five beyond ideation planning moments happening? Yes, it would, uh, especially.

[00:31:07] So there was a two year period where, uh, I was 23. I think I had just had enough. I tried to basically be an atheist. Uh, I gave up trying to get sober. I call my parents and I was just like, I'm fucking, um, over 21. I'm going to drink. I'm going to use like deal with it. Um, that was when I got into meth.

[00:31:31] That's when I got into guns and then, and very ridiculous research chemical hallucinogens. And there's a little bit of an apples and oranges thing here going on. So here's here. It's like duck, duck goose. Drugs, drugs, guns. Oh, meth and guns are like peas and carrots, bro. They just, I don't know what it is, but. When you say you got into guns, you buy them, sell them? Buying them and selling them. Well, I was going to ask you, how are you making money? Yeah. Selling drugs.

[00:32:00] So selling drugs and selling guns. That is a really easy way to go to jail. Oh yeah. At this point though, I had never been arrested and I had been, there had been close calls, but I'd always been let go. And so there was this big sense of invincibility. What if you, what if you were blind? Oh, it would have, I would have been arrested many years before when I started getting guns.

[00:32:21] This is when I started putting loaded guns in my mouth regularly, sitting there, writing about it, really feeling the pull. I mean, going, you know, doing like revolver experiments of like, like cocking it, uncocking it. Sober or is it almost always? No, always, almost always when I'm high and like, and like dangerously high to where it went off between my legs.

[00:32:50] One time when I was playing, I was sitting Indian style and when I was doing the unloading and loading it and it, yeah, dude, it, uh, So, so, so you lost the, the thing you talked about with your imagination changing at about 11 years old. If I had asked, I'll pick a random number. Let's say 10 year old Jed, South Carolina going to church every Sunday.

[00:33:12] He's probably in his finest Sunday clothes, having a fucking blast imagining all these different worlds he's creating that at some point, not that far in the future, he's going to be buying and selling guns and drugs and an addict. What would he have said? No chance. It's super interesting. It almost plays into like how I fell for the trap because like, I thought I was so against it that I was immune or something. I don't know. Addiction is, is very tricky.

[00:33:42] And there really is this imaginary line. It's called, you know, they, they make the analogy. Like once you become a pickle, you can't be a cucumber again, but you don't know when you cross that line into pickle. Uh, it just happens one day and you go from being able to control it to not. Um, I never, I, from jump really was never able to control it. Um, but then there was, you were a pick, you were an early pickle. I was an early pickle. And let's, let's both agree. And I think most of our listeners can agree.

[00:34:13] Given the choice, most people would take the pickle. I mean, they taste better. Yeah. I mean, you could play around with a cucumber and add some, you know, blue cheese or ranch dressing. And I can throw it in a salad, but I mean, it's a pickle. So how do you, in your twenties where I'm thinking it's, it's kind of surprising. You're not dead at that point. Extraordinarily. Or at least in jail that, how do you get out of it? That's how that period ended was me getting arrested. Uh, you got arrested.

[00:34:42] How did, what, how did you get arrested? What did you, what happened? My house got raided. I got ratted on. I'm sure I, well, really, I stole a car from a casino and forgot about it. Uh, and a month later they came to my house serving on that. And I had drugs and guns fucking everywhere. Were you in South Carolina or Louisiana? I was in Louisiana. Now you seem like a pretty nice guy. Yeah. Thank you. And like, you're not scary looking. I mean, sure you have tattoos, but like you're not, if I would have met you then, would you have been intimidating?

[00:35:12] Uh, if I weighed more, I was intimidating. And the fact of like, I was insane enough to probably make life ruining decisions. So not, no, I was not intimidating. Uh, it was more just like kind of a denizen, we'll call it. But like, who are you hanging out with? Meth heads, bro. Very bad people. Bad, scary people. Right, right. And now you were, so because you were one of them, you were in their tribe or their crew, but like. Yeah.

[00:35:41] Ooh, what are you, uh, what are you showing me here? Yep. That's my, uh, my inmate card. How long was your sentence? Uh, so I got a 10 year deferred sentence cause I'd never been arrested before. Uh, that was the first time I got arrested and it was a doozy, but you can do something called article 894. Basically it's like, if I failed probation, I would have had to back up 10 years federal and I almost failed probation because I stayed sober for a year after prison, but ended up relapsing again and again and again.

[00:36:11] And the last, the closest one. So I'd gotten out of jail. I'd relapsed again. I started selling drugs again. It's just a bad situation. Um, I'd gotten really into, uh, meth and GHB at the time too. Um, and this is another, like GHB is very chemically similar to Xanax and that class of drugs. So I would also get ridiculously suicidal on GHB.

[00:36:36] And basically I decided to, uh, I didn't tell anyone, but I drank a very significant amount of GHB and then just got in my car. And like the plan was like idealistic vehicular suicide. It was like, I knew I would go out. Um, let me get my timeline straight. Yeah, for sure. Cause you're saying this thing about the 10 year probation thing, but you still serve time in jail. Yeah. Six months. It's like, but that's still a long time. Oh yeah.

[00:37:06] Yeah. It was not great. That was the worst. That was like, I, this isn't, I don't really care about the jail, but like, was it bad? Oh, it was super bad. Yeah. East Baton Rouge parish prison was fucking horrendous. Did you almost lose your life in there? Uh, I almost, it was either lose my life or the other horrible thing that happens. I didn't understand how prison worked and I ended up owing people a lot of money, like jail money food.

[00:37:32] Cause I was fucking emaciated and starving and it's called two for one. So like if someone loans me a cupcake, I owe you two cupcakes come store time. And this is kind of how like jail predation works is like, they'll just find weak people, vulnerable people and like get them in debt. And then it's either you're going to get beat to death or like be a willing, you know, participant. Like a sexual participant. Yeah.

[00:38:00] Uh, that was one of my first re spiritual experiences in jail is like when my store ended up not coming through like my commissary. So like my debt was basically about to be collected. And, uh, uh, basically everyone, all my previous allies were like, I mean, there's nothing to be like, this is just how it is, bro. Like you, Oh, you couldn't pay. So like, y'all are gonna have to figure it out. Uh, and I was like sitting in my bunk, like praying to God.

[00:38:27] And I got transferred out to the trustee dorm, like that night at like nine 30 at night. It was, that is it. So, so there's a, there's a, there's a, at least a minimal rebirth there. Oh, it was, it was a whole, a whole rebirth. Like I definitely found my faith again in. Because like, let's just not like, let's just be clear when we're talking here about that, you were very likely to either be brutally attacked, killed or raped or some combination of those things. Right. So you, you avoid that because you get transferred at some point.

[00:38:56] You got to know, I know I'm kind of fast forwarding. You almost go back in because after there were certain things that you were not allowed to do and you were doing, you almost got caught, but you didn't. And I want to know at what point do you then, when does it start to improve? And I assume it improves because we're having this conversation right now. Yeah. Uh, in 2014, that was when I finally got, uh, got sober in Lafayette, Louisiana. How did you do that? I was just done purse.

[00:39:25] I was still, so like when I went into treatment that time, my family couldn't care. I mean, they could care, but they were like, I don't care if you get sober or not. Like you're not coming home or, you know, it was just like fucking figure it out. I had just ripped off the attempted to rip off the last friend I had on earth. Nobody would answer the phone. Uh, I lived in my car that had a title loan on it. Uh, I was still on probation, dodging my probation officer.

[00:39:53] My life at that point was I would wake up, go fly a sign by the highway for money to get gas money, to drive to Walmart, to steal DVDs, to sell it, to get, then go buy dope, pass out, rinse and repeat. That's just what I did every day. And it was just like, fuck this. And at that point I began being afraid of dying because I was no longer confident in what was going to happen. But this is after the mini spiritual rebirth in jail.

[00:40:22] But now we're talking about addiction. We're talking about, yeah, it isn't, isn't just this or that, or like you have a moment and everything's good. It doesn't work that way. No, it doesn't. And when you, when you return, I mean, this is an aspect of it's the progressive part of the disease. It's essentially, even while you're sober, your disease is also progressing so that when you start back, like if I did heroin today, within two days, I will be dependent to the point of having withdrawals.

[00:40:52] When you go back, it's worse. It's worse. Yeah. So, and, uh, so about more than 10 years ago in Lafayette, is there a moment, uh, with God or with something that you're like, all right, I'm done. Yeah, it was in, uh, in treatment. I was 60 days. I've been, you know, I've been 60 days sober before my girlfriend at the time, uh, broke up with me while I was in treatment.

[00:41:16] And I remember I walked outside and I punched the wall and broke my hand. And in that moment, I was like, fuck this. I'm leaving. I'm going to the emergency room. I'm going to get some pain pills. And I had this moment of clarity. They call it where it was like, whoa, that's all it took. And now you're about to go do this shit all over again. And it like, for the first time, I think I saw that, like, you're fucked dude.

[00:41:46] Like you, you had to be clean to be there. I think. Correct. Oh, a hundred percent. And so I, instead of going to the ER, I went in my room and me and God had a very long conversation. And that, that is what I point to is like the moment I surrendered. And I was like, I can't do this like without your help. And like, you have to help me. And he did. I mean. So you believe in God? Oh yeah. Very much. What do you think about me not believing? What do you think about me not believing in God? I think everybody's got their journey, man.

[00:42:16] But do you think I'm wrong? Would you say you're an atheist or like an agnostic? Like, do you know that there's no God or you're just like, I wouldn't be so foolish or arrogant to know anything, but yeah. So let's put me in the agnostic category. I think that's fair. I think if everyone, I just had this conversation. I think truly everyone is either an agnostic theist or an agnostic atheist. Like either you, I don't know if there's a God. I believe there is, but I can't know.

[00:42:46] No. And just like you. So I would say that number one, you know, your story is not over. Everybody's in the midst of whatever. I don't think the truth has to defend itself. So I guess I leave that sort of stuff up to God. I view things like even this conversation as like, I mean, you're here. I don't know. You're hearing things. Who knows? It doesn't bother me. Or I don't like, I don't feel concerned.

[00:43:15] I've seen just so many. I think God knows what he's doing way fucking more than I do. So like, whatever, whatever, man, you're, you know, and I also don't know what people are like when they lay their head at night. I don't know what it's like to be Sean going to sleep and what you're thinking about in your deepest, darkest moments. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't want you to have to know that. I don't either. No offense. But like, I got enough shit on my own, dude. Tell me about in, in this has got to be like a sort of bullet version.

[00:43:45] I'm in no rush. No, I know. Give me a, give me a bullet ish version of that conversation with God when you were finally ready to get clean to, uh, February 24th, 25th, 2026. As we speak today, I got clean and I just did simply what I'd always been told to do, which is like work the steps, help others. That's the big thing. Help other addicts is what I, uh, finally did differently. Um, I got married. I became an addictions counselor.

[00:44:14] I was sober for five years. Um, my wife ended up relapsing COVID happened and I got off all my antidepressants at five years clean. I made the poor decision. Number one, start microdosing mushrooms to try to fix my depression. And then number two, I got prescribed Adderall again to fix my depression. Uh, basically like cooking. It's basically meth. I mean, it's pharmaceutical meth. It's an amphetamine. I knew, I knew better.

[00:44:44] And then, but then you're still with your wife at that time. I used to leave your wife now. No. So I relapsed in secret as an addictions counselor. Which is a hell. I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. So now I have this gigantic secret that I'm afraid to confess because I was afraid of losing what I'd worked so hard for. And my marriage is falling apart. I'm using, at this point, it's like I, I'm using everything legal. I started doing Kratom.

[00:45:12] I wasn't doing illegal drugs. That was like my weird rationale. Um, but because of this secret, the, I had gotten a gun for COVID because I, I, this is the first time I'd owned a gun again and I thought the world was ending and all that. So I was like, I at least need to protect myself. Got a pistol and you had to do it illegally. No, I'm not a felon. Okay. Yeah. Everything got expunged since it was my first rip. Yeah. I ended up, I ended up finishing probation. Thank God. So I'm not a felon. Yeah. Got it gone. COVID. Got it gone. COVID.

[00:45:42] COVID. My best solution to get out of, oh, I started, uh, gambling again because amphetamines and gambling like slot machines are also my downfall. I lost a lot of money. There are people. It's a small percentage who make it good money. Most do not. Most do not. And you know, and there's one word for it. And you know what that word is? Huh? Math. Yeah. And I'm horrible at math. Not math. Math. I am so bad at math.

[00:46:11] That's all you need to know. But hey, I get it. Doing your thing. Okay. Yeah. It was, it was the purest escape. And there was a casino down the street from my job. So I would just leave work at a treatment center every day. Go put in headphones, tweak out and disappear into the slot machines. It was the perfect escape. Then I lost a bunch of money. Basically like the jig, the jig is about to be up because there are just things that I can no longer hide.

[00:46:37] Uh, I knew that I needed to go somewhere, uh, like a treatment center, but I didn't know how to do that without losing my job. Um, this is where one night I got depressed to the point that I was like, I'm going to shoot myself and I, I wrote, um, I wrote a suicide note, which I had never done before. Yeah. I kept it. Uh, I, it's like one of those things I still just like keep around. I didn't do it that night. The plan was like the next day.

[00:47:05] And when I woke up in the morning, I walked into work and my admissions guy, my friend was like, Hey, how's it going? And I was just like, I just unloaded. I was like, it's fucking, it's not good. I was just sobbing. And I was like, I need to do something. And, uh, I was able to go get sent. So I, I was able, once again, I was honest about everything, but the drugs. I said that I was gambling, that I'm getting divorced and that I wanted to kill myself.

[00:47:33] Um, I did not mention that I'm also doing drugs and I got sent to a trauma treatment center for professionals, uh, in Kentucky, which saved my life a hundred percent at the time. And then what happened was I got back in a month later, my wife left me. And that day, uh, I went and got high again and the summation was, so then it was just,

[00:47:56] um, basically from 2021 until September of this year, I like was sort of high and sort of sober. And I was still working as a counselor. I got a new girlfriend. We ended up getting pregnant. I went to Mexico on a boy's vacation, me and my sober. Everybody go on a vacation every year. Um, and we went to Mexico that year.

[00:48:21] My idea was I'm going to go to Mexico to detox, but I went to a pharmacy and I was like, wait, you have oxycodone. Like I can just buy that. And, uh, I did. And at that point I was like, well, now all this bullshit about like, you're not doing actual drugs is false. And while I was in Mexico, my girlfriend called me and told me that she was pregnant. And I was like, oh fuck. Okay. So I have to do something.

[00:48:51] And, uh, so when I got back, I went to rehab, but once again, this was two years ago. Once again, I went to rehab out of town. I was still unwilling to tell anybody, but who needed to know what happened. Uh, I, I relapsed again because I wasn't honest. She, when I, the day I got to treatment, uh, she found out that she had a miscarriage. So it was all this awful time. Um, and I relapsed.

[00:49:17] We ended up getting engaged, uh, six months later and she got pregnant again. When I was 11 months sober again, I relapsed, uh, two months before my daughter was about to be born and got sober again. Uh, relapsed again. I mean, it's just like the same song and dance. It's like at this one, I'm just doing like whatever, like pharmacy. How many times have you, however you're defining relapse, how many times have you relapsed? 50? Yeah. That's a fair number.

[00:49:45] If not more, I mean a ton. Yeah. I, I have, I have struggled with addiction most of my life. Yeah. Most of my life. Yeah. Whoever you are, you're married. Uh, I am engaged. You, you're, you're picking some fucking winners cause these women are staying with you, bro. And you're fucking up. Well, this, this one, I really fucked this one up because I, uh, this last year I relapsed in secret again. And that was like, her only thing was like, you just need to be honest with me.

[00:50:15] And I wasn't, um, the past five months, uh, like I'm just now about to move back home. I've been living at a sober living house. Um, is that where you are right now? No, I'm, I'm at my house, but I don't live here. Um, I've been living at a sober living house. Yep. So it's, I very much caused some very, very serious wreckage this time around that I'm still actively in the process of repairing. With your wife, with your fiance. And by the way, dad, are you a father?

[00:50:44] Mm-hmm. How does that feel? Incredible. Scary, incredible, amazing, hard. She's a, uh, I have a little girl. She's amazing. You worried that you passed on an addiction gene to her? Yeah, of course. Uh, like literally we did. I mean, she's got the predisposition, but that's another thing. It's like, I also have the benefit of knowing exactly what, you know, there's not much she's going to be able to hide. I'll put it that way.

[00:51:13] She'll get, she'll get some stuff by you. She will, of course. But, uh. Well, she may not take that path at all. And she may, it just might, she might not. My hope is that she rebels by thinking everything drug related is, is dumb because her dad was into it. That was my big joke was like, if I ever catch her doing coke, I'll be like, oh, your old man used to do coke. And she'd be like, oh, dad, you know, just ruin it for her. Not really. Don't do coke. Yeah, of course that's a fear, man.

[00:51:38] Um, I think that was the fear that kept me from having kids forever because I was like, I don't want to deal with what I put my parents through. Like, what the hell? Do you talk to your parents? Oh yeah, we're so close. Oh, is that right? And what about your sister? It's getting better. We haven't been close for a while. Your parents, as much as people might want in my circles, and you might not like to hear this, rip on certain types of religious people.

[00:52:07] They're practicing what they're preaching because they're, they are forgiving. And that is at the center of your faith. They are incredible examples of like actual Christianity. Exactly. It's way, way easier not to forgive. Way easier not to forgive. Yeah. It's way easier to use. Yeah. And I fully believe that without, it's kind of the same thing with, like I said about drugs.

[00:52:33] If I didn't have the core of like my faith and upbringing, there's just no possible chance I'm alive still. There's just no chance. With how nihilistic and cynical and, and straight up. I just like believe that like my mom's prayers kept me alive for a long time. I mean, just straight up, dude. I mean, I've had eight hospitalized overdoses. I was in a coma for four days.

[00:53:00] I mean, this is literally, I should not be here. Going, going back to the kid who used to feel guilt about everything. How do you feel? How do you feel about this stuff? By this stuff, you mean? 38 years of putting your parents through a lot. I consider what I do with my podcast and helping people living amends for that, that I will be doing for the rest of my life. Basically like everyone that I help, my parents get to share a piece of that.

[00:53:27] Like it's, it's sort of like the payoff for their investment. Like, and I take it, I take it seriously. Like I truly believe that I will get a chance and be faced with all the opportunities that I've been given to help people. And that I'll be held in account for that with, with what I did with that time.

[00:53:50] Drug dealing and relapsing as a counselor are probably the two things that I feel the most sincere regret for. And things around my family, like with my fiance and my daughter, where like, it's a, it's a real fucked up situation. To be an empathetic, caring person who is also a drug addict, because it's like, you're watching yourself do these things in third person.

[00:54:12] And it's almost like, that is why things like suicide become so appealing because it's just like, maybe it is a weird subconscious self punishment of like, that's what you deserve. But it's all for me. It was more like, this is like, I wish I didn't feel the pain that I caused, but I do. If you've been doing it 10 years, given how you've just shared 10 years of your life, there's no way you were doing that consistently. The podcast. No, I did. That was the amazing thing.

[00:54:41] I just kept it up. Well, because that was part of the lie. And I listened back and I can tell it's number one. It's like, I've been very without, I did not say that I was using again, but I was always very open about like my depressive time. It's very much like just a journal, an online journal of like what I've been going through. And I've, I would talk, um, a lot of people like recurring guests and people, I talk about myself a lot.

[00:55:10] But you have, I fuck you. You have a 4.8 rating. Oh, thank you. Ha ha. I say fuck you because mine's 4.7. Oh, maybe I can tilt the scales. So there's a few things that we both know having done this and you have 396 episodes. I think I have like 330. It doesn't matter. It's hard to get people to leave reviews. Yes, it is. Um, we both have, your episodes are by and large a little longer than mine and you're have a very simple, which I like logo.

[00:55:39] That's also how I kept doing it is I streamlined the fuck out of my process. Yeah. And there were definitely times where it was like, you know, I was usually like religious about every week and then it would be like every two weeks. Then sometimes every four weeks. Yeah. And then I would like rerun some old episodes. Like I haven't missed a week. Like that's impressive. But I'm also not an addict. That's impressive. Um, you might be a little podcast addict. Who knows? I actually am now doing two, two week.

[00:56:07] I'm, I'm, I'm, you're, you're not wrong about what you just said, by the way. Yeah. Like there's a concern of mine actually that I'm causing harm to myself by the amount of work I'm doing on this podcast and other related projects. Because a lot of them, the podcast I think is, and this is the only thing I can say about my life. I think the podcast is excellent. Um, listen, listen one day. And if you disagree, I'd love to hear it. Cause I don't mind, I don't mind people thinking otherwise. I think it's my life's work. I think it's done well.

[00:56:37] There's always room for improvement. The lot, a lot of the side projects, some of which were like goals to monetize. Very few have worked out. That is what's killing me. Yeah. It's hard, man. It's so fucking hard. And I'm talking about suicide number one. And I'm doing it in a very unique way where it's not all just Jed, you know, call 988 and go to the hospital. It's like, you know, he hasn't heard that before. And then of course, you know, open up if I do that. So there's a very specific intention behind all of it.

[00:57:06] Have previous guests killed themselves? Yeah. Like a significant portion? No. Oh, I mean, I don't know for sure. Well, right. Yeah. Yeah. I've had guests, yeah, guests of mine have overdosed and died. I think it'd be ridiculous if I had 330 conversations with people and they didn't. For sure. Right. These are quick. Don't expand. We don't have the time. How many people know that we're talking right now? Three? My fiance, my buddy Josh, and oh, five. And my buddies Rafe and Trayvon.

[00:57:34] Do you, I'm not going to ask you to do anything with it, but do you know where your suicide note is, the one you wrote? I do. It's right next to me. I wish we had the time for you to read it. But it's short-ish. Go. All right. I'm sorry. I tried to stay, but I don't think I'm made for this world. If I was, I wouldn't hurt all the time. I don't want any of you to be sad or blame yourselves. There wasn't anything anyone could have done. You all loved me the best you could, and I felt loved. I truly did. It's better for me now, and I will see you all again.

[00:58:04] I never felt like I was at peace here. I know how much pain this will cause, and for that, I'm truly sorry. I wish I could have waited for y'all to be gone. But I simply can't. If you knew what this burden felt like, you would understand my decision. I have to trust that God will forgive me because he also knows what I'm feeling. He made me this way. Why would he create me with this? I've tried everything I know to make it go away. The best I've been able to do was arrest it for days and weeks at a time, but it always comes back. You have to understand me. Clearly, I'm tired of fighting.

[00:58:33] I am exhausted. My resolve has emptied. Every time I get into a car, I imagine someone slamming into it. The only respite I get is every night when I go to sleep, but I always wake up, and then I have to do it over again. I can't keep doing it over again. Thanks for sharing that. You're welcome. That is the only time I've shared that in public. All right. Well, I feel honored legitimately.

[00:58:56] I think given the work you do in addiction counseling and your podcast, I'm assuming there's not a small number of people who know about some or all of your attempts. Right. Yeah. Very true. How many people do you have in your life where if you are feeling suicidal, you can talk to them, and during or after the conversation, you don't, at a minimum, feel worse? Oh, dozens. Really? I have a huge support group, yeah. That's nice, bro. That's hard to find. It is.

[00:59:24] It's been cultivated over years, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I have a great, and like a core group of six. What helps you feel better or not worse? Music, talking to people, and my daughter. I know that's cliche as hell, but it's, I had this thought that came to me, and it almost became like a mantra. It was like, I never want my daughter to ask someone what was my dad like.

[00:59:54] That literal phrase popped in my mind one day, and the idea of that was just devastating to me. It'll do it. Yeah, it'll do it. Um, if we talk in one year, what's different, if anything, about your life, other than obviously your daughter and you and everyone else is one year older? Oh, well, I'm sober now. So, I mean, almost everything. Like, I'm happy. Uh, I am sober. I haven't thought seriously about killing myself. In? In probably six months. Wow.

[01:00:24] Yeah. I mean, almost everything is better. The Christian nationalism question can wait until our update episode in a year from now, if we're both alive, which we probably will be. Sounds good. Because it'll still be going on. But I got two questions, and I got two minutes each for them. You ready? Yep. And I'm saving the best for last.

[01:00:41] Uh, are there any major, and I mean major, burning myths or misconceptions about, uh, suicidality, addiction, jail, uh, the ones that you want to absolutely call bullshit on? With addiction, it's the thing that, uh, the thing that if he only, uh, loved his family, then he wouldn't use. Or, like, the whole, there's a set of circumstances that should make a person not use.

[01:01:11] Or when people, loved ones, take addiction personally. I know it is a tall order that it's impossible not to do. But I promise you, in the true addict, it has fuck all to do with you, and it is all about a person suffering with a disease of which they do not have control. Like, when a person is in the grips of addiction, they do not have a choice whether they're going to use or not. Memoir title's going to wait as well, but that's more the subtitle. Yeah. Question I've been asking for a few years.

[01:01:39] It's very interesting to ask this to an addict in particular. Uh, I've got a pink and purple pill. The colors don't matter. It's one pill. I give you this pill if you swallow it, if you ingest it. Um, you go to sleep. You don't wake up. There is no pain. And nobody knows it's a suicide. What do you do with that pill today? Oh, God. My, uh, today I'd, I'd leave it alone. Uh. You would, like, throw it out or something? I would throw it out. I would throw it out.

[01:02:09] I, that's funny. My, there was the counter thought of, like, maybe you should save it for a rainy day. But no. Uh, cause essentially, I mean, for me, that would be a bag of heroin. And that's, uh, especially in this day and age where it's, it's really, and I've had, listen, I've had, I have been jealous. This is something else I've never said, but, uh, I've had friends overdose on fentanyl and die. And I've been jealous. Yeah. Um, because it's, they don't have to struggle anymore.

[01:02:35] No, I definitely, um, at this point am ready to, to ride this thing out. Uh, come what may sort of thing today for sure. You know what's weird? If I had offered you that pill at some points in your life, I'm almost sure you would have taken it. And what gets even bigger about that is you don't have a daughter. I know that's, yeah. I mean, like she doesn't exist. I truly thank God that I was not allowed to take my life when I wanted to the times.

[01:03:05] I mean, that's the, I, yeah, that's, I mean, it's not just my daughter. I mean, just the, the fucking ripple effects one person has is in it's, that's the, the Jewish idea of like you save one person, you save the entire universe. It's fucking very true. It's very true. Ripple, ripple, ripple. Um, one, thank you very much for talking with me, Jed. Uh, finally, I wish you fucking well. Godspeed. You seem like a good being.

[01:03:32] And I, and I'm, I'm grateful that we were able to connect and have this conversation. Me too, man. Thank you. Thanks for bearing with the rescheduling and stuff. And I would love to have you on if you ever get a chance, man. You got my email. All right. Love you soon, brother. All right. Cheers. Bye. As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support. Special thanks to Jed in Louisiana. Thanks, Jed. If you are a suicide attempt survivor or ideator and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[01:04:00] Hello at suicidenoted.com. I'd love to talk with you. And that's all for this week's episode. Stay strong. Do the best you can. I'll talk to you soon.