Emily in Michigan

[00:00:00] It's selfish for you to tell me that I'm being selfish because I'll hurt you if I do this.

[00:00:07] Because you're not compassionate enough to understand that I'm hurting.

[00:00:30] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted.

[00:00:36] On this podcast I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories.

[00:00:41] Every year around the world millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never

[00:00:45] talk about it.

[00:00:46] We certainly don't talk about it enough.

[00:00:48] And when we do talk about it, many of us including me, we're not very good at it.

[00:00:51] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better

[00:00:56] conversations with attempt survivors.

[00:00:59] Why?

[00:01:00] Well in large part to help more people in more places feel a little less shitty and a little

[00:01:04] less alone.

[00:01:05] And if you have been a part of that in the last almost four years, I really really do appreciate

[00:01:09] it.

[00:01:10] If you want to support the podcast in other ways, you can rate us on Spotify or Apple.

[00:01:14] It really helps.

[00:01:16] Of course we also have our membership and you can learn more about that among other

[00:01:19] things in the show notes.

[00:01:22] And if you're a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:01:26] Hello at SuicideNoted.com on Facebook or Twitter at SuicideNoted.

[00:01:30] I should say X not Twitter.

[00:01:32] Finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast.

[00:01:35] We don't hold back so please take that into account before you listen or as you listen.

[00:01:39] But I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn.

[00:01:43] Today I am talking with Emily.

[00:01:44] Emily lives in Michigan and she is a suicide attempt survivor.

[00:01:53] So Emily in Michigan.

[00:01:55] Hello.

[00:01:56] I'm sorry I'd ask how are you but you know, I don't love that question.

[00:02:00] Thanks because I'll just tell you I'm shitty.

[00:02:02] Well, I appreciate your honesty.

[00:02:04] You're not in the upper peninsula.

[00:02:05] No, I'm in the Detroit area but like suburban, you know, there's so many things in the

[00:02:12] city to do but because I've lived outside of the city for so long and I'm 46, like

[00:02:19] my friends who are younger, they're all up in that city but I don't have time

[00:02:24] for that shit.

[00:02:25] I believe the first conversation I ever had for this podcast, not necessarily the

[00:02:29] first podcast episode I released but the first conversation may have been with

[00:02:34] Sherry in the Detroit area of Michigan.

[00:02:38] Nice.

[00:02:39] You talk to people from everywhere.

[00:02:41] I think that's really cool.

[00:02:42] It is.

[00:02:43] It's really cool and I'm speaking to you in your home.

[00:02:45] We've rent a condo so like it's really boring.

[00:02:49] And who's the we in we?

[00:02:51] My boyfriend and I and then I have equal custody with my daughter's dad and she just

[00:02:59] turned nine.

[00:03:00] January 17th and I turned 46 the 18th.

[00:03:03] Nice couple of days.

[00:03:04] It was.

[00:03:05] Yeah.

[00:03:06] Last year I wasn't around because I was in the hospital for our birthdays so.

[00:03:12] You're 46, your daughter is, your daughter?

[00:03:15] Daughter, Gracie, she's nine.

[00:03:17] Okay, she's nine.

[00:03:19] So you have her in your mid 30s.

[00:03:22] Yeah, day before my 37th birthday and if I did not have her, I will probably

[00:03:28] wouldn't be here.

[00:03:29] I think that's the only thing tying me here to be honest.

[00:03:33] Yep.

[00:03:34] I look at her and it's like, okay, gotta stick around because I can't fuck her

[00:03:39] up, right?

[00:03:40] But I just like I worry about how long that's going to hold until at some point

[00:03:45] because they have had an attempt before you just don't think about that.

[00:03:49] Because she was alive when I had my attempt.

[00:03:51] She was five, she was in kindergarten.

[00:03:53] I just dropped her off at the bus stop and put her on the bus and went home and yeah.

[00:03:57] So you know, like sometimes you just don't, it doesn't matter.

[00:04:01] What did you mean?

[00:04:02] I wasn't clear you're saying you need to stay alive so you don't fuck her up.

[00:04:07] Was it something like that?

[00:04:08] Yes, that's what I keep telling myself and I think that language is coming from

[00:04:12] the fact that whenever I talk to my mom, she'll say, well, your dad and I would never forgive

[00:04:20] you if you did something like that Emily and what you're just going to abandon your daughter

[00:04:25] and she'd be screwed up.

[00:04:28] You can't do that to her.

[00:04:29] Those kinds of things, I'd like to say I'm an independent person at this age but I really

[00:04:37] still want to please my parents.

[00:04:38] I really want them to think I'm a good person and I want them to like my choices and they

[00:04:44] only live like a couple of miles away.

[00:04:46] And I've always had that, I'm a first born out of, there's just me and my sister Meredith

[00:04:51] but why is it so intense that I feel that way?

[00:04:56] That kind of inner voice is going on.

[00:05:00] I can hear my mom.

[00:05:02] The abandon your daughter thing really, really bugs me.

[00:05:06] Your sister deal with similar kinds of struggles?

[00:05:09] She does but she doesn't deal with it like I do.

[00:05:14] She told me she could go out to her car on her lunch break, put on her sunglasses, cry

[00:05:18] and then buck it up and go back to fucking work.

[00:05:21] Why can't I do that?

[00:05:22] And I said, I don't know.

[00:05:24] I think your parents will hear this podcast episode?

[00:05:27] Absolutely not.

[00:05:28] I've only told one person that I know because I really love her and respect her and we

[00:05:34] connect really well.

[00:05:36] And I wanted to tell her and I told some random lady who did my hair, which actually

[00:05:42] she ended up really cool and we had a lot in common.

[00:05:44] It was really kind of meant to be that she was my stylist that day.

[00:05:47] But other than that, no, I didn't want to tell anybody because I didn't want to

[00:05:52] filter what I say.

[00:05:53] And I don't want to hold back because every time I'm in different situations

[00:05:59] with different people or different therapists and psychiatrists and

[00:06:02] wherever I feel like they just get just a little bit of it and they don't get the full.

[00:06:09] This is where I'm at because I'm too afraid to either make them think that

[00:06:14] I'm going to come unglued or something or I've been told that I might.

[00:06:18] I don't know, you know, like it's just time to be honest about it and stop

[00:06:22] holding back and I don't need people in my ear or, you know, worrying

[00:06:27] about what they think because that is my complex in life as I worry too

[00:06:31] much about what people think.

[00:06:33] Close friend, random hairstylist, but no one named Meredith Grace to your parents.

[00:06:39] No, not even my boyfriend.

[00:06:40] I don't want anybody else to know.

[00:06:42] Do you think what your parents said to you falls under the category of nice?

[00:06:47] No, I don't.

[00:06:48] And my dad never would say anything like that.

[00:06:50] My dad, like I said, he was in radio.

[00:06:52] My friends were always afraid of him because he never spoke a word.

[00:06:55] Like he is the most quiet, reserved person.

[00:07:00] And the only time he will say something is when it has some weight to it.

[00:07:04] Or it's meaningful.

[00:07:05] My mom kind of just does a lot of the my dad's kind of a referee between me and

[00:07:10] my mom a lot of times.

[00:07:11] What was your dad's work?

[00:07:13] He was on air.

[00:07:14] He was an assistant manager of a Christian radio station.

[00:07:17] Now we're starting.

[00:07:18] Oh, it's just the tip of the iceberg.

[00:07:21] When you emailed me originally, you mentioned something about a note.

[00:07:25] Tell me more about that.

[00:07:27] The suicide note was on Facebook.

[00:07:31] I no longer have a Facebook.

[00:07:33] Don't remember if it said I just did or I am going to, but it was like happening.

[00:07:40] Do you know why you posted that?

[00:07:42] That whole experience is very out of body.

[00:07:45] And the minute I got really upset, it was just like everything just kind of

[00:07:49] snowballed.

[00:07:49] And then here I am doing these things that normally I would not, I would

[00:07:54] not do something like that.

[00:07:55] You know, but when I'm not well, do I put all my crap out there for everybody?

[00:08:00] Yeah.

[00:08:01] Have I had my sister confront me about why do you put your crap out there

[00:08:04] for everybody to know about that's, you know, and I okay.

[00:08:10] How long did it take for you to take it down or cancel your account?

[00:08:13] Um, it took a while.

[00:08:14] I've, I've canceled my account multiple times over the years.

[00:08:18] It's like reincarnating myself because I've been sober for 12 years

[00:08:23] from alcohol and I just keep telling myself they don't want to see me then

[00:08:26] or they don't, they won't.

[00:08:28] It's canceling the account.

[00:08:30] It kind of a sign that things aren't going well, but if you have a Facebook

[00:08:33] account, we can think she's doing okay.

[00:08:35] Maybe.

[00:08:36] Huh.

[00:08:37] But I'm like, I have Instagram now and I just kind of think to myself

[00:08:40] like what the fuck?

[00:08:41] Like I didn't grow up with this shit.

[00:08:43] We didn't even have phones until I was like in my twenties, like cell

[00:08:47] phones, like what the hell?

[00:08:49] Sometimes I just delete that Instagram off my phone and just say,

[00:08:53] I don't need this crap.

[00:08:55] When was the first time you thought about suicide?

[00:08:57] I remember in college more or less, which I mean, the highest

[00:09:01] one dorm was like a second floor, but I was a like overwhelmed over

[00:09:08] achieving book nerd.

[00:09:11] We, I went to school in Indiana, maybe 30 minutes from Indianapolis

[00:09:15] and didn't even go to Indianapolis until my senior year.

[00:09:19] Because everybody would go places on the weekend and I would be

[00:09:22] like, I need to study.

[00:09:24] I'm gonna, I'm gonna make flashcards and study this weekend.

[00:09:27] For people who are of the younger generation, please, what is a

[00:09:30] flashcard?

[00:09:31] Oh my gosh, they're the best.

[00:09:32] I just talked to my daughter about these.

[00:09:34] Like you can take them all.

[00:09:36] You write on an index card, like vocabulary, anything.

[00:09:41] I mean, in my British literature class, I wrote poems and

[00:09:44] I put them in the clear shower door.

[00:09:46] I'd be washing my hair and I'd be memorizing poems.

[00:09:49] It was great.

[00:09:50] Yeah.

[00:09:50] And you know, if you've heard any of the podcasts, you may have

[00:09:53] heard that sometimes my brain automatically is thinking as I

[00:09:55] talk and or listen, what is the, what is Emily's memoir title

[00:10:00] and or subtitle?

[00:10:01] And there's something about flashcards, maybe radio.

[00:10:05] I'm not sure yet.

[00:10:06] I do like the Smell of School supplies.

[00:10:08] That would be a good memoir title.

[00:10:10] My favorite character on SNL was Mary Catherine Gallagher.

[00:10:14] Are you also a Catholic?

[00:10:15] I wasn't, I was raised Protestant and then became Catholic

[00:10:19] when I got sober.

[00:10:21] My daughter was baptized Catholic and she just did her first

[00:10:24] communion last spring.

[00:10:26] I was about to say Mazel toff.

[00:10:28] Then I'm like, that's not a Catholic thing.

[00:10:30] The ideations or thinking about suicide starts when you're

[00:10:33] nerding out in Indiana.

[00:10:35] It was like during final exams right before Christmas break.

[00:10:38] And I'm, I can't handle this anymore.

[00:10:40] I want to jump out the second story window, but I didn't.

[00:10:43] That was probably the first time I thought about things because

[00:10:47] I was the good little Christian girl who didn't, you know, who

[00:10:51] wanted to do everything right back then.

[00:10:54] I didn't think that was right up until that point as a good

[00:10:57] little Christian girl or, and or, you know, teenager.

[00:11:00] Like I never had any issues.

[00:11:02] See, this is the funny thing.

[00:11:03] Cause when I think of like before and after me, I started

[00:11:07] having problems when I was, I was married from the time I

[00:11:11] was like 23 to 28.

[00:11:13] And then all of my problems started eating disorder, cutting

[00:11:17] mental health, all of that when I was about 26.

[00:11:21] So before that I was, you know, optimist of the year in high

[00:11:26] school and so positive.

[00:11:29] And my favorite book was Anne of Green Gables and

[00:11:32] everything was beautiful and romantic and look at the

[00:11:35] world of opportunities we have.

[00:11:37] Look at this.

[00:11:37] I mean, the world is perfect.

[00:11:39] I'm so glad you're sharing that.

[00:11:41] I'm so wondering if I ever felt that I can't believe I did.

[00:11:45] Wow.

[00:11:46] And here we are.

[00:11:47] Right.

[00:11:48] Talking about suicide, the both of us.

[00:11:49] That went down the toilet.

[00:11:50] So things were okay back in the day.

[00:11:53] Oh yeah.

[00:11:54] I've always had friends.

[00:11:55] I always got along with everybody and I always had

[00:11:58] things I liked to do.

[00:12:00] I was always, I was good in school and I always had

[00:12:03] great opportunities and did some really cool things.

[00:12:06] But college.

[00:12:08] It's interesting because I have done a lot of thinking

[00:12:12] about that and I was public schooled my entire life.

[00:12:16] I applied for some colleges.

[00:12:18] I just wanted the out of state experience.

[00:12:21] I wanted to move away from home and the whole thing.

[00:12:25] And I got a scholarship, an academic scholarship.

[00:12:28] It was a school that somebody in my youth group at

[00:12:30] church or something went to very small Christian liberal

[00:12:35] arts college.

[00:12:36] And all of a sudden I thought I was this great person.

[00:12:40] Like I really thought I had like good character and

[00:12:44] I beliefs.

[00:12:45] And then I go to this Christian college and there's

[00:12:48] these people whose parents are pastors and missionaries

[00:12:51] and I say a bad word and they like about have a

[00:12:54] heart attack and make me feel like an idiot.

[00:12:56] And I became very angsty and angry and mad about

[00:13:02] I'm trying to be something I'm not like I had

[00:13:05] to sign a community agreement saying I wouldn't dance.

[00:13:07] I wouldn't watch rated our movies.

[00:13:09] I wouldn't drink when I'm like everybody here is

[00:13:12] doing it.

[00:13:13] Are you guys fucking nuts?

[00:13:14] Like why would you tell somebody who was 18 19

[00:13:17] twenty twenty one that's unrealistic anyway.

[00:13:20] And I was not breaking the rules and I didn't even

[00:13:22] start drinking until after I was 21.

[00:13:25] And now I wish that I would have.

[00:13:27] I wish that I would have gotten that out of my

[00:13:29] system in high school and college.

[00:13:31] I wish.

[00:13:32] Because you mentioned you've been sober would

[00:13:34] I suggest there was a period of time in which you

[00:13:35] were probably drinking a lot.

[00:13:37] Ten years.

[00:13:38] I mean I stopped when I was thirty three.

[00:13:41] Well congrats on that for real.

[00:13:43] Figuring that out.

[00:13:44] That's not easy.

[00:13:45] No other day I was just driving down the road

[00:13:47] and I'm like you know how easy it would be

[00:13:49] right now to go to the liquor store.

[00:13:51] So easy.

[00:13:52] Yeah.

[00:13:53] I mean it's everywhere.

[00:13:54] It's everywhere.

[00:13:55] Gas station liquor store supermarket restaurants friends

[00:13:59] have liquor cabinets.

[00:14:00] It's everywhere.

[00:14:01] And because of the way that the way that I am

[00:14:04] the depression and the anxiety even from the

[00:14:07] beginning that was a tool to self-medicate

[00:14:11] and to escape and to numb out.

[00:14:13] So now that I'm here and I'm still

[00:14:16] struggling with these issues I keep thinking

[00:14:18] to myself I cannot believe I haven't relapsed yet.

[00:14:21] The sober part in many ways I imagine is more

[00:14:23] challenging than the non sober.

[00:14:25] Let me go back to college for a sec.

[00:14:27] What stops you from jumping even though

[00:14:29] you probably would not have died.

[00:14:31] Do you remember.

[00:14:32] I think I just always had inside of me this

[00:14:34] like risk taking like I want to do like rebellious

[00:14:39] things and be a risk taker and do these

[00:14:41] extreme things.

[00:14:42] But I'd always reel it back in.

[00:14:45] I had that self control you know and again

[00:14:47] like what would people think.

[00:14:49] You've already sort of painted a nice picture

[00:14:50] for us of what some of school was like

[00:14:52] for you but how often are you thinking

[00:14:54] about windows or other methods.

[00:14:57] I think I just always with like try to

[00:15:00] visualize like you know when you were a kid

[00:15:03] and you were driving in the car you know going

[00:15:05] to New York to visit grandma and grandpa

[00:15:07] you would eventually you would get there

[00:15:09] and you'd look back and that trip was just

[00:15:11] a memory right.

[00:15:12] So I hate this I hate studying for these

[00:15:14] exams and writing 15 page papers and

[00:15:17] doing and I procrastinate and write a

[00:15:18] 15 page paper overnight.

[00:15:21] Call my mom in tears and she'd hang up

[00:15:23] on me and be like you did this to yourself

[00:15:25] and I'd still end up with the A on the

[00:15:26] paper but I was a mess.

[00:15:29] But I'd always just tell myself it'll be

[00:15:31] over and then this will be a memory

[00:15:33] and you'll be fine.

[00:15:34] I had that kind of ability to

[00:15:37] like have that mindset but not anymore.

[00:15:41] So do you meet your future ex-husband

[00:15:44] in college?

[00:15:45] Yes when I was in college I was a

[00:15:47] lifeguard at the YMCA I was a

[00:15:48] swimmer in high school just for a year

[00:15:50] but I liked it I was good at it and

[00:15:52] so I became a lifeguard in college

[00:15:54] and we were teaching preschool swim

[00:15:56] lessons together and I don't even

[00:15:58] know Sean day of my wedding my mom

[00:16:01] reminded me that she looked at me and

[00:16:03] said you remember your favorite movie

[00:16:04] with Julia Roberts Emily like just

[00:16:06] please go please I'll tell everybody

[00:16:10] just just go just drive away.

[00:16:12] What's the movie?

[00:16:13] Runaway bride but I was so worried

[00:16:16] about what people think I didn't even

[00:16:18] like this person wait a second person

[00:16:21] but everybody that I went to school

[00:16:24] with that was in my circle had gotten

[00:16:27] married the year prior as soon as we

[00:16:29] graduated I taught my first year of

[00:16:32] teaching and taught fifth grade and

[00:16:35] then I got married and I thought to

[00:16:36] myself I'm never going to meet

[00:16:37] anybody ever again I'm never going

[00:16:39] to you know.

[00:16:40] So your mom says that?

[00:16:42] Yeah when the only consolation I

[00:16:44] had my grandma the one the New

[00:16:46] York grandma came up to me and said

[00:16:48] there's three hundred dollars in

[00:16:50] your wedding take that out and

[00:16:52] put it in your pocket and on your

[00:16:53] honeymoon you go shopping and you

[00:16:56] spend that ever so.

[00:16:57] And that was the only thing getting

[00:16:59] me through that day because I just

[00:17:01] wanted that fucking three hundred

[00:17:02] dollars I didn't care about my hair

[00:17:04] it was awful and they messed up and

[00:17:07] I didn't care I didn't care about

[00:17:08] my dress I didn't care about any of

[00:17:10] it afterward like a couple months

[00:17:12] later a couple of dads church were

[00:17:14] like you were the saddest right?

[00:17:16] Can that be the memoir title please

[00:17:18] saddest bride?

[00:17:20] That's perfect.

[00:17:22] We he ended up when

[00:17:24] he was in college he studied

[00:17:26] ministry so he became a pastor

[00:17:28] Sean I was a fucking pastor boy

[00:17:30] you know what I was doing I was

[00:17:32] smoking cigarettes behind the

[00:17:33] parsonage under a bush

[00:17:36] it was not pastors wife

[00:17:39] what?

[00:17:40] You lasted for five years.

[00:17:42] No no no no for the first

[00:17:44] three we were there

[00:17:46] it was a country church

[00:17:49] up in mid-Michigan

[00:17:50] half these people are related and

[00:17:53] farmers was very small place

[00:17:56] and toward the end of that I was

[00:17:58] working for a small college

[00:18:00] up there as an admissions representative

[00:18:02] Alma College.

[00:18:03] For the end of that I basically begged

[00:18:05] him to leave I said you've got to

[00:18:07] leave because there is an old

[00:18:09] lady in that church

[00:18:10] and I'm going to fucking burn her

[00:18:11] house down I hate her he's

[00:18:13] like oh he's like oh no

[00:18:15] and I was like yeah so I ended up

[00:18:17] getting I ended up checking myself

[00:18:18] into a place

[00:18:20] she was some like eighty some year

[00:18:22] old lady and she always had

[00:18:23] something to say to me I was

[00:18:25] wearing pants that wasn't good

[00:18:26] enough if I was wearing a dress

[00:18:28] then why wasn't I wearing pants

[00:18:29] and why did I say this

[00:18:31] and she'd drive by the house

[00:18:32] and why is she call

[00:18:34] and ask him why I wasn't home

[00:18:36] all these weird things and I just

[00:18:37] couldn't take it anymore.

[00:18:38] She'd interrupt his sermon

[00:18:39] it was just so weird.

[00:18:41] I said I can't do this anymore

[00:18:43] like I hate it here

[00:18:45] and my mental health is

[00:18:47] so bad like we need

[00:18:49] to leave this place like I

[00:18:50] can't be this I can't do this

[00:18:52] like you need to leave your job

[00:18:53] I'm sorry. So he became some

[00:18:55] appliance delivery guy

[00:18:57] and then he ended up taking like

[00:18:58] cash advances out of my paycheck

[00:19:00] and go on a strip club.

[00:19:01] Oh it was it's a whole.

[00:19:03] So what are the signs for you

[00:19:04] that you are I don't know if

[00:19:06] this is sort of like years later

[00:19:07] upon reflection or

[00:19:09] discovery in therapy kind of

[00:19:10] thing but what were the signs

[00:19:12] that your mental health wasn't

[00:19:14] well.

[00:19:15] I mean I was drinking

[00:19:17] and then I got

[00:19:19] like manicky and

[00:19:20] they said that I had bipolar

[00:19:22] disorder but I wasn't sober

[00:19:23] then so I don't quite agree

[00:19:25] with that.

[00:19:26] I was just all over the place

[00:19:28] I was all over the place

[00:19:29] on top of being so

[00:19:31] calling my mom while I'm

[00:19:33] traveling for work and

[00:19:34] saying I'm behind a semi-truck

[00:19:36] and I just want to ram into it

[00:19:37] my fucking hate my life

[00:19:39] and I hate everything

[00:19:40] and at some point doing here

[00:19:42] is where we get back into

[00:19:43] ideating.

[00:19:44] Yes this is where it all

[00:19:46] starts and it and it doesn't

[00:19:48] stop.

[00:19:49] So I know you've already shared

[00:19:50] that that marriage does not

[00:19:51] work out.

[00:19:52] No no he I ended up

[00:19:54] I was in the hospital and

[00:19:56] he I told the nurse

[00:19:57] if he comes up here please I

[00:19:59] don't please I'm not going

[00:20:00] to talk to him.

[00:20:01] He ended up moving out

[00:20:03] when I came home from the

[00:20:04] hospital like most

[00:20:06] of the furniture and things

[00:20:07] are gone.

[00:20:08] So I know you were not doing

[00:20:09] well. Some people do the whole

[00:20:11] white knuckling thing

[00:20:13] probably most actually.

[00:20:15] I admit it myself.

[00:20:16] I've had like 20 inpatient

[00:20:18] hospitalizations and all of

[00:20:20] them have been voluntary.

[00:20:21] Maybe a couple well because

[00:20:23] after the attempt no that wasn't

[00:20:24] voluntary and my first

[00:20:26] one when I was the lady

[00:20:27] thing voicing those

[00:20:29] thoughts.

[00:20:30] But no I just I

[00:20:32] just I didn't trust myself.

[00:20:34] Would you go back to the same

[00:20:35] hospital over and over again.

[00:20:36] No no I've been to so many

[00:20:38] I could probably be like some

[00:20:40] like recruit recruitment

[00:20:41] officer for their.

[00:20:43] Yeah I mean you were an

[00:20:43] admissions officer in your

[00:20:44] former job.

[00:20:45] Yeah how big of a step is it to

[00:20:47] just go to a recruitment officer.

[00:20:49] They're right they're all

[00:20:50] horrible I don't know why I do

[00:20:51] it. You know I don't know why

[00:20:53] I get to that point and then

[00:20:55] ask for help but I know asking

[00:20:57] for help is the right thing to

[00:20:58] do at the time

[00:20:59] but you're there and it's it's

[00:21:00] a big joke.

[00:21:01] Right well I mean what we

[00:21:02] really need is a place where

[00:21:03] people can go that need help

[00:21:05] and it's not a joke.

[00:21:06] Right there were some

[00:21:08] staff here and there that

[00:21:09] were very good

[00:21:11] even in the ones that

[00:21:13] the majority were

[00:21:15] you know there were some that

[00:21:16] were very kind and a lot

[00:21:18] of them happened to be more

[00:21:20] of the support staff not the

[00:21:22] professional staff or whatever

[00:21:24] right the doctors and the

[00:21:25] nurses.

[00:21:26] What did they do how were

[00:21:27] they different.

[00:21:28] The people that are there for

[00:21:30] the right reasons

[00:21:31] a lot of those people

[00:21:33] that are working as

[00:21:35] just doing the daily

[00:21:36] you know checking people in

[00:21:38] getting them places to group

[00:21:39] to whatever making sure you're

[00:21:41] waking up that kind of stuff

[00:21:42] they're the ones need

[00:21:44] deepen it with you.

[00:21:45] They're the ones with you all

[00:21:47] day long and the ones that

[00:21:48] really care I'm sure they don't

[00:21:50] make a lot of money.

[00:21:51] So it's not for the money

[00:21:53] and they actually love

[00:21:54] people look me in the eye

[00:21:57] and tell me with tears in

[00:21:58] their eyes you know I've

[00:21:59] experienced this or I have a

[00:22:01] family member who has and

[00:22:02] you can do this and you know

[00:22:04] I care about you and you're

[00:22:05] going to get through this and

[00:22:06] let's just get through this

[00:22:07] day you know

[00:22:08] but some of the doctors

[00:22:11] with the medication stuff

[00:22:12] listen I am a smart person

[00:22:15] stop talking to me like I

[00:22:17] I'm not like I'm not a

[00:22:18] functioning human being.

[00:22:20] You're telling me if I take

[00:22:21] this medicine today

[00:22:22] 12 hours from now I'm going to

[00:22:24] feel better you're telling me

[00:22:25] that and that's not true.

[00:22:26] So then when

[00:22:28] they don't listen to that then

[00:22:30] you just play along.

[00:22:31] Oh my gosh you're right.

[00:22:32] If you push back at all then

[00:22:34] it's almost always worse.

[00:22:35] So you're just like I don't

[00:22:36] have the energy for this

[00:22:37] shit.

[00:22:38] I'm basically want to get out

[00:22:39] of here.

[00:22:40] So you do what you're going to

[00:22:41] do.

[00:22:41] I mean if you're really not

[00:22:43] safe the whole point

[00:22:44] is just to keep you safe.

[00:22:46] I get that but

[00:22:48] at least give people some

[00:22:49] dignity and

[00:22:50] so when you get out of the

[00:22:51] hospital the woman's

[00:22:53] house has not been burned down.

[00:22:55] No and everything's OK.

[00:22:57] Everything's OK and your

[00:22:58] husband's gone at some

[00:22:59] point you get a divorce I

[00:23:00] imagine.

[00:23:01] No the husband's still there

[00:23:03] we just left the church

[00:23:04] at some point it ends

[00:23:06] and that was when you were

[00:23:07] after another hospitalization

[00:23:08] when you came back and the

[00:23:09] stuff was gone.

[00:23:10] Yeah yeah yeah.

[00:23:11] Gotcha.

[00:23:12] I know moving forward you

[00:23:13] shared with me that there are

[00:23:14] many hospital stays

[00:23:16] or visits.

[00:23:18] And most of that time you're

[00:23:19] drinking probably a lot.

[00:23:22] What kind of booze did you

[00:23:23] drink.

[00:23:23] I was a binge drinker

[00:23:25] and I was just kind of like

[00:23:27] whatever was there but I

[00:23:28] really liked

[00:23:30] Yeager and

[00:23:32] Bud Light not to get

[00:23:33] like not mixed.

[00:23:34] Who are you drinking with.

[00:23:36] Toward the end there before

[00:23:37] I got right before I got sober.

[00:23:39] Oh I just go on match dot com

[00:23:40] and meet drinking buddies

[00:23:42] and just hang out with dudes

[00:23:44] drink so funny.

[00:23:45] Like yeah.

[00:23:46] No.

[00:23:46] Yeah that was that was that

[00:23:48] was so useful.

[00:23:49] Did you end up doing 12

[00:23:50] step.

[00:23:51] I mean I was trying to get

[00:23:52] sober for years before I

[00:23:53] actually did.

[00:23:54] I did go up until Gracie

[00:23:57] was born and then I get a

[00:23:58] lot of shit about that

[00:24:00] but there's multiple ways to

[00:24:02] recover it.

[00:24:02] And I also don't really

[00:24:04] believe in a God anymore.

[00:24:06] Sounds like you get shit for

[00:24:07] a lot of things actually from

[00:24:08] what you share.

[00:24:08] Oh yeah probably

[00:24:10] or I give myself it.

[00:24:11] There is shit blowing around

[00:24:13] you.

[00:24:13] You feel it right.

[00:24:14] Yeah.

[00:24:15] How old are you when you

[00:24:15] attempt.

[00:24:16] This was March 1st 2021.

[00:24:18] When you're divorced you

[00:24:20] are what year is that.

[00:24:21] 2006.

[00:24:23] OK so we have 15 years.

[00:24:24] Are you mostly living alone.

[00:24:26] Yep and trying to

[00:24:28] hold a job which for some

[00:24:30] reason when the mental

[00:24:32] health got really really bad

[00:24:33] it's just like I would

[00:24:35] just I would know

[00:24:36] and I would resign.

[00:24:38] I would just say you know I

[00:24:39] don't want to get fired.

[00:24:41] What's happening where you're

[00:24:42] like oh I get so anxious

[00:24:44] like I can't I don't want to

[00:24:45] get up like I can put my

[00:24:47] feet on the floor.

[00:24:48] You know like I can't I can't

[00:24:49] envision myself even getting

[00:24:51] up and getting ready to go.

[00:24:52] So depressed I can't get out

[00:24:53] of bed crying a lot.

[00:24:56] I just had to take one

[00:24:57] of those PHQ 9 assessment

[00:24:59] tools that they do with the

[00:25:00] doctor the depression screen

[00:25:02] where they ask you like

[00:25:03] every basically symptom of

[00:25:05] depression and then you

[00:25:06] basically score yourself and

[00:25:08] if it's 20 or higher you're

[00:25:09] severely depressed and

[00:25:11] you need to seek help because

[00:25:13] your suicidal mind was like a

[00:25:14] 20s 5 or 26.

[00:25:17] So you're suicidal for years.

[00:25:19] Yeah but you don't try.

[00:25:21] No I was

[00:25:23] I don't know I was always I

[00:25:25] felt like I don't have the

[00:25:26] balls to do this I'm too

[00:25:27] scared I don't I don't know.

[00:25:29] You're mostly living alone

[00:25:31] but are you basically going

[00:25:32] through all of us alone?

[00:25:34] Meaning you've got a family

[00:25:36] you may have some friends I

[00:25:38] don't know you'll tell me you

[00:25:39] have some co-workers at some

[00:25:40] points maybe dating do you

[00:25:42] reveal to people.

[00:25:43] Yeah some people are going to

[00:25:44] notice you're not doing well

[00:25:45] but are you are you doing this

[00:25:47] essentially alone you're

[00:25:48] waking up you can't put your

[00:25:49] feet on the floor you're

[00:25:50] depressed you're crying and

[00:25:52] there's no one to talk to.

[00:25:53] I've always felt even

[00:25:55] though like maybe I felt like

[00:25:57] sometimes my family might

[00:25:59] not fully understand like I

[00:26:01] might sometimes get like oh

[00:26:03] Emily you're wallowing come on

[00:26:04] get out of bed you know you

[00:26:06] need to get out of bed but I

[00:26:07] have lived by myself

[00:26:10] since college and then

[00:26:13] when I got sober I lived with

[00:26:14] my parents for a couple years

[00:26:15] like right now I'm living with

[00:26:17] my boyfriend I haven't

[00:26:19] lived with somebody since

[00:26:21] I don't even know since

[00:26:23] Gracie was born the last

[00:26:24] six years I've lived alone

[00:26:26] and so I'm having a hard time

[00:26:27] with this.

[00:26:28] So what year is Gracie born

[00:26:30] Gracie's 2015

[00:26:32] and that was just a partner

[00:26:34] at the time.

[00:26:34] Somebody I knew from AA like

[00:26:36] between meetings or whatever

[00:26:38] go out and have a cigarette

[00:26:39] kind of person you know and

[00:26:40] then all of a sudden yeah let's

[00:26:42] date.

[00:26:43] Right once later I get pregnant

[00:26:45] all the time when I was

[00:26:47] drinking and having all

[00:26:49] sorts of behavior that goes

[00:26:51] along with drinking never

[00:26:53] once did I get pregnant

[00:26:55] here I am.

[00:26:56] Do you like being mom?

[00:26:57] Yeah I do my degree is an

[00:26:59] elementary education I've

[00:27:00] always liked kids.

[00:27:02] Let me tell you what I can

[00:27:04] handle a whole classroom of

[00:27:05] children my one child

[00:27:08] is where I'm going to fucking

[00:27:08] lose my mind so

[00:27:11] totally different when they're

[00:27:12] yours and it's hard work

[00:27:14] but I do love it I do

[00:27:16] I think it's my I really feel

[00:27:18] like that's the only thing

[00:27:19] I'm proud of in my life now

[00:27:21] it used to be you know my

[00:27:22] college degree or whatever

[00:27:24] but getting sober.

[00:27:26] Oh yeah that used to be

[00:27:27] something I was proud of

[00:27:28] too but I mean yeah I'm proud

[00:27:30] of that I guess but I think

[00:27:31] Gracie is I always worry

[00:27:33] you know what if something

[00:27:34] happened to her I think I don't

[00:27:36] think I'd be all right.

[00:27:37] March 1st 2021 was

[00:27:39] there a reason it was that

[00:27:40] day?

[00:27:40] No the reason why

[00:27:43] I felt like I feel like

[00:27:45] it was like this superhuman

[00:27:46] like I can do anything

[00:27:48] I'm going to do this today

[00:27:50] I was having some issues

[00:27:51] they were thinking about

[00:27:52] doing like some hysterectomy

[00:27:53] or something but before that

[00:27:55] they wanted me to try

[00:27:56] hormones stuff

[00:27:58] I wasn't doing too well with

[00:27:59] that and so I ended up in the

[00:28:01] ER and then ended up following

[00:28:03] up with the doctor and then

[00:28:04] they give me progesterone

[00:28:06] and I called that was a

[00:28:07] Tuesday on a Friday I call

[00:28:09] and I said I'm not I mean my

[00:28:11] depression anxiety have been

[00:28:12] pretty much under control

[00:28:14] and I'm having the darkest

[00:28:16] thoughts like I'm not okay

[00:28:18] and she said

[00:28:20] okay let me call the doctor

[00:28:22] he prescribed me a different

[00:28:23] brand that was a Saturday

[00:28:25] Monday I dropped Gracie off

[00:28:27] at school or at the bus

[00:28:29] I blow off work

[00:28:31] just it was just like

[00:28:33] just autopie I just I don't

[00:28:35] even know I was just I

[00:28:37] I feel kind of like almost

[00:28:38] flammer gassed in myself

[00:28:40] like sometimes I'm just like

[00:28:41] holy shit like this is

[00:28:42] something I've always wanted

[00:28:43] to do when I did it

[00:28:45] and I even went back

[00:28:46] and this fall I went

[00:28:48] to that hospital got the

[00:28:49] records because I don't

[00:28:50] remember I'm showing up

[00:28:52] at the ER I don't remember

[00:28:53] what happened or what they

[00:28:54] did I didn't know

[00:28:56] and they like have quotes

[00:28:58] of me saying I just

[00:29:00] wanted to die and I never had

[00:29:01] the balls to do it and now I

[00:29:02] did what exactly did you do

[00:29:05] I took 140

[00:29:07] pills I had

[00:29:09] my antidepressant

[00:29:11] and a mood stabilizer

[00:29:13] that's also used for like

[00:29:14] migraine headaches and

[00:29:16] I took 70 of one and 70

[00:29:18] of another and

[00:29:19] just by the handful

[00:29:21] where were you were you

[00:29:21] at where your home

[00:29:23] yeah I was at home and I

[00:29:24] laid down in bed and I kind

[00:29:26] of tossed my phone to the

[00:29:27] other side of the bed and

[00:29:28] I could hear it just blowing

[00:29:30] up because people read

[00:29:31] that on Facebook what I wrote

[00:29:33] and oh you had just

[00:29:35] posted it like earlier that

[00:29:36] day no I posted it

[00:29:38] while it was happening

[00:29:39] wow okay

[00:29:41] it was just like all

[00:29:43] autopilot I was just all

[00:29:45] upset and all it just was

[00:29:46] all happening and I didn't

[00:29:48] think anything I didn't think

[00:29:50] like what happens after you

[00:29:51] die yeah I think

[00:29:53] maybe I'm gonna have a seizure

[00:29:55] or maybe I'll have like

[00:29:56] cardiac arrest or

[00:29:58] maybe nothing I don't

[00:29:59] know now that I think of it I

[00:30:01] probably should have drank with

[00:30:02] that and that would have done

[00:30:03] the deed right there but

[00:30:04] wasn't thinking you know

[00:30:06] but I wasn't thinking about

[00:30:07] anything I wasn't thinking

[00:30:09] about anybody

[00:30:10] or anything I just wanted

[00:30:12] it all to go away and I

[00:30:14] finally had this

[00:30:15] whatever those hormones did in

[00:30:17] my body it just tipped

[00:30:19] me right over just enough

[00:30:21] to do what I've always

[00:30:22] wanted to do

[00:30:23] how do you go from

[00:30:24] picking the pills posting on

[00:30:26] Facebook to getting into an

[00:30:27] ER

[00:30:28] because my work

[00:30:31] supervisor and work

[00:30:33] friends I was a recovery

[00:30:34] coach at the time at a

[00:30:35] nonprofit they saw it

[00:30:37] and then I had some friends

[00:30:38] I used to be really

[00:30:40] into fitness and stuff and

[00:30:41] did like beach body coaching

[00:30:43] and a bunch of my girls

[00:30:44] from the team

[00:30:46] they all started blowing up

[00:30:47] 911

[00:30:49] and so before you

[00:30:50] know it like three or four

[00:30:52] police officers are

[00:30:53] standing in my bedroom by my

[00:30:55] bed and they're like Emily

[00:30:56] Oh do they break in

[00:30:58] I must have left the door open

[00:30:59] that like that unlocked

[00:31:01] were they kind with you

[00:31:02] they're really kind actually

[00:31:03] my sister's ex is

[00:31:06] a police officer for

[00:31:07] the city I live in so

[00:31:09] he actually responded

[00:31:11] but he stayed downstairs

[00:31:12] and let the other guys go up

[00:31:14] because he was afraid to

[00:31:15] embarrass me

[00:31:16] they all showed up in the

[00:31:17] ambulance showed up and they

[00:31:18] even you know got me

[00:31:21] to walk down the stairs

[00:31:22] and the hospital was

[00:31:24] literally like a mile away

[00:31:25] and I don't remember

[00:31:27] anything I don't remember

[00:31:28] I remember getting in

[00:31:30] in the ambulance and then

[00:31:31] that's it I don't remember

[00:31:33] anything and then you wake

[00:31:34] up at some point when

[00:31:35] I make up on some cardiac

[00:31:37] unit how many days

[00:31:38] later I have no idea

[00:31:40] nothing then what happens

[00:31:42] they sent me out to a

[00:31:43] psych unit yeah

[00:31:44] how long were you there

[00:31:45] for do you remember

[00:31:46] I think was at the actual

[00:31:47] hospital from like the first

[00:31:49] through the fourth and then

[00:31:50] over at the psych

[00:31:52] unit from like the fourth

[00:31:53] through the 12th

[00:31:54] then I was home for like 10

[00:31:55] days and then got COVID

[00:31:57] Oh, what a great

[00:31:58] I used to lay upstairs in my

[00:31:59] apartment not see my daughter

[00:32:01] anybody and I was so sick

[00:32:02] for like two weeks right

[00:32:03] after a suicide attempt

[00:32:04] I was all by myself

[00:32:06] ah so given that

[00:32:08] your phone was blowing up

[00:32:09] and the police came

[00:32:10] and you were in two hospitals

[00:32:12] and then all this

[00:32:13] so there are some people

[00:32:14] that know that you tried

[00:32:14] to end your life

[00:32:15] oh yeah yeah

[00:32:17] but you've not gone on

[00:32:18] social media or elsewhere

[00:32:19] to let the world know

[00:32:21] not anymore though

[00:32:22] until today

[00:32:23] yeah one of the things

[00:32:25] is I just

[00:32:27] I have a psychologist

[00:32:29] that I see I looked over

[00:32:30] at his notes and it said

[00:32:31] that I was obsessed

[00:32:33] with death but I was afraid

[00:32:36] to die and I was

[00:32:38] suicidal constantly

[00:32:40] to like an average person

[00:32:42] they probably like what the

[00:32:43] fuck is that about

[00:32:44] sure you know but um

[00:32:45] I read obituaries

[00:32:47] like constantly

[00:32:48] I'm so up on my

[00:32:49] obituaries like somebody's

[00:32:51] up on current events

[00:32:52] like probably don't need to

[00:32:53] read them for a couple days

[00:32:54] because I know

[00:32:55] and I'll try to identify

[00:32:57] who you can tell

[00:32:59] one of my favorite shows

[00:33:00] is six feet under

[00:33:01] kind of morbid sense

[00:33:02] of humor kind of like

[00:33:04] into that kind of

[00:33:05] but then

[00:33:07] I just one day was

[00:33:08] just like I feel

[00:33:09] like I need to hear

[00:33:11] like either somebody

[00:33:12] talking about what

[00:33:13] they did

[00:33:14] because I need to

[00:33:16] know like I just

[00:33:17] want to hear somebody

[00:33:18] talking about it because

[00:33:19] I'm just so obsessed right

[00:33:20] now and I'm ideating

[00:33:22] all the time

[00:33:23] or also like

[00:33:25] here's the duality again

[00:33:27] I just I'm so tired

[00:33:28] of feeling like I'm all

[00:33:29] by myself constantly

[00:33:31] thinking about these

[00:33:32] like riddled with these

[00:33:33] thoughts

[00:33:34] and I just typed in

[00:33:36] the search bar

[00:33:36] Apple podcast like

[00:33:38] suicide and yours

[00:33:39] came up that was it

[00:33:40] and then I just kept

[00:33:41] listening and listening

[00:33:42] and listening and listening

[00:33:44] go technology

[00:33:45] here we go

[00:33:46] I know I know

[00:33:47] so there's something

[00:33:47] about hearing other people

[00:33:48] talk about it that

[00:33:50] did something

[00:33:51] or lack of a better word

[00:33:52] positive or some

[00:33:53] in something something

[00:33:54] work

[00:33:54] it did I

[00:33:55] because a lot of times

[00:33:57] I'll hear people say

[00:33:58] something and I'll be like

[00:33:59] oh my god like

[00:33:59] I've never heard

[00:34:00] somebody say it like

[00:34:01] that and that's exactly

[00:34:03] what I thought

[00:34:04] you know and unless

[00:34:05] you've thought these

[00:34:06] things nobody gets

[00:34:08] it and you just

[00:34:09] are out here just

[00:34:10] people just think

[00:34:11] like you're weird

[00:34:12] or what's it like

[00:34:13] to attempt to take

[00:34:14] your life as

[00:34:15] you did in March

[00:34:16] 1st 2021

[00:34:18] and

[00:34:19] still be alive

[00:34:20] whether it's

[00:34:20] the moment you realize

[00:34:21] that did work

[00:34:22] or up until today

[00:34:23] what is that like

[00:34:24] I

[00:34:25] every day kind of

[00:34:26] like

[00:34:27] wish that

[00:34:28] I kind of like

[00:34:29] revise things in my head

[00:34:30] like okay well

[00:34:31] at next time

[00:34:32] I'm not going to do that

[00:34:33] and I'm not going to

[00:34:35] do this

[00:34:35] and they're not going

[00:34:36] to know

[00:34:36] when I'm going to go

[00:34:38] go into the woods

[00:34:38] somewhere

[00:34:39] where no one can

[00:34:39] buy me

[00:34:40] or whatever

[00:34:41] you know because

[00:34:41] I've had

[00:34:42] like one of my neighbors

[00:34:44] a long time ago

[00:34:45] looked at me and said

[00:34:46] you know you just did that

[00:34:47] for attention

[00:34:47] and I did it

[00:34:49] that was almost three years ago

[00:34:50] very close to almost three years ago

[00:34:53] and then you read books

[00:34:54] like this

[00:34:55] waking up alive

[00:34:56] the descent

[00:34:57] the suicide attempt

[00:34:58] in the return to life

[00:34:59] and I thought

[00:35:00] oh that's going to be

[00:35:01] a really interesting book

[00:35:02] because it was supposed

[00:35:03] to like give hope

[00:35:04] like oh my god

[00:35:04] your whole world changed

[00:35:06] like for the better

[00:35:08] and then I read

[00:35:08] and some people's worlds

[00:35:10] really did change

[00:35:10] for the better

[00:35:11] and mine didn't

[00:35:12] burst my bubble

[00:35:13] I wanted to

[00:35:13] somebody tell me

[00:35:15] like

[00:35:15] it still sucks

[00:35:16] that type of stuff is hard to find

[00:35:18] you should much more

[00:35:19] as it's

[00:35:19] it's okay

[00:35:20] turned out okay

[00:35:21] here are some examples

[00:35:22] people are thriving

[00:35:23] they're living with it

[00:35:24] they're putting

[00:35:25] passion to their pain

[00:35:26] or

[00:35:26] or you know

[00:35:27] all that stuff

[00:35:28] is really

[00:35:29] calm

[00:35:29] the in the almost three years

[00:35:30] since your attempt

[00:35:31] it sounds like

[00:35:32] you

[00:35:32] often think about it

[00:35:34] all the time

[00:35:35] there might be a reprieve

[00:35:36] like especially

[00:35:38] living where I live

[00:35:39] like in the winter

[00:35:39] gets really really bad

[00:35:41] sometimes in the summer

[00:35:42] I mean Gracie

[00:35:43] and I like to be at the pool

[00:35:45] a lot

[00:35:46] and we like to be outside

[00:35:47] a lot in the summer

[00:35:48] but

[00:35:48] and that's nice

[00:35:49] because there's less

[00:35:50] sun

[00:35:50] and I like to be outdoors

[00:35:51] and I like to be in the water

[00:35:52] but

[00:35:53] then when it's winter

[00:35:54] and it's dark

[00:35:54] and it's

[00:35:55] depressing

[00:35:56] and cold

[00:35:57] and

[00:35:58] I don't

[00:35:58] do well

[00:35:59] and then there are

[00:35:59] sometimes in the summer

[00:36:00] that I don't do well too

[00:36:01] but

[00:36:02] I'll get a little reprieve

[00:36:04] and then

[00:36:05] we're right back

[00:36:06] to this default

[00:36:07] of depression

[00:36:08] and it's like an all day

[00:36:11] and you're just

[00:36:12] it's exhausting

[00:36:13] I don't think people understand

[00:36:14] that you're pushing

[00:36:15] these thoughts away

[00:36:17] and I've had like

[00:36:18] even

[00:36:19] therapists say

[00:36:21] well just don't think that

[00:36:23] haha god

[00:36:25] or just

[00:36:26] come on Emily

[00:36:27] don't think about it

[00:36:28] you know

[00:36:28] get off the couch

[00:36:29] and go for a walk

[00:36:30] you'll feel so much better

[00:36:32] this is where my therapist

[00:36:33] yeah

[00:36:34] and

[00:36:34] and I'm like

[00:36:34] well I know

[00:36:35] but

[00:36:36] I'm so depressed

[00:36:37] like

[00:36:37] that

[00:36:38] I've gained so much weight

[00:36:39] that

[00:36:40] it's triggering the depression

[00:36:42] that

[00:36:43] it's the vicious cycle

[00:36:44] and I just can't

[00:36:45] I don't have the motivation

[00:36:46] that's one of the symptoms

[00:36:47] of depression

[00:36:48] and I'm withdrawing

[00:36:49] and

[00:36:50] I don't want people to see me

[00:36:51] like this

[00:36:51] not even walking down

[00:36:53] around the block

[00:36:54] like

[00:36:54] I feel

[00:36:55] like I don't like myself

[00:36:57] I don't want people

[00:36:57] to see me like this

[00:36:58] this is not my best self

[00:36:59] I don't want

[00:37:00] you know

[00:37:00] and so

[00:37:01] no

[00:37:02] I can't get myself up

[00:37:03] off the couch

[00:37:04] no

[00:37:04] right

[00:37:04] we'll just try harder

[00:37:06] God

[00:37:07] yeah

[00:37:07] because you're not trying

[00:37:09] right

[00:37:09] I'm not trying at all

[00:37:10] so it sounds

[00:37:11] like you've had several

[00:37:11] therapists over the years

[00:37:13] oh yeah

[00:37:14] I mean

[00:37:14] I have a really good one

[00:37:15] right now though

[00:37:16] is great

[00:37:17] okay

[00:37:17] this therapist

[00:37:18] or perhaps other ones

[00:37:19] ever give you

[00:37:20] a

[00:37:20] or diagnose you

[00:37:21] with something

[00:37:22] you agree with

[00:37:23] the

[00:37:23] major depression

[00:37:24] and anxiety

[00:37:26] the bipolar

[00:37:27] I think is

[00:37:27] up for

[00:37:28] they say

[00:37:28] bipolar depression

[00:37:29] I kind of

[00:37:30] think that's

[00:37:30] kind of up in the air

[00:37:32] and then recently

[00:37:33] somebody said

[00:37:34] borderline

[00:37:34] but

[00:37:35] I've done dbt

[00:37:36] like

[00:37:37] I've done the group

[00:37:38] like for a year

[00:37:39] and I really enjoyed it

[00:37:41] but even that

[00:37:42] like if you're

[00:37:43] to me

[00:37:43] like I'm like

[00:37:44] those skills are very useful

[00:37:45] and I really enjoyed

[00:37:46] that

[00:37:47] but

[00:37:48] when you're really bad

[00:37:49] like

[00:37:50] I don't know what to say

[00:37:51] so

[00:37:52] but I don't know

[00:37:53] if they just

[00:37:54] said

[00:37:55] like

[00:37:55] all of a sudden

[00:37:56] they just were like

[00:37:57] oh she's thinking about

[00:37:57] suicide all the time

[00:37:58] so she must

[00:37:59] be borderline

[00:38:00] in those groups

[00:38:01] or

[00:38:02] current therapists

[00:38:03] or past therapists

[00:38:04] do you ever tell them

[00:38:05] that you're suicidal

[00:38:06] does that ever come out

[00:38:07] all the time

[00:38:08] okay

[00:38:11] listen

[00:38:12] no no no

[00:38:13] my therapist

[00:38:14] is always like

[00:38:14] you know Emily

[00:38:15] it's a thought

[00:38:16] if

[00:38:17] it gets intense

[00:38:18] and you feel

[00:38:20] like you need help

[00:38:21] you know what to do

[00:38:21] and I'm like

[00:38:22] yeah but my problem is

[00:38:23] is if I'm right on the edge

[00:38:24] like that

[00:38:25] I'm not gonna call you

[00:38:26] do you ever wish

[00:38:28] that

[00:38:29] March 1st 2021

[00:38:30] turned out differently

[00:38:31] yep

[00:38:32] is that a thought

[00:38:33] you have somewhat regularly

[00:38:34] um yes

[00:38:35] because

[00:38:36] at this point

[00:38:37] it would have been three years

[00:38:38] maybe my family

[00:38:39] would have healed a little bit

[00:38:40] and

[00:38:41] um people would go on with their lives

[00:38:43] and my kid could

[00:38:44] have some

[00:38:45] more

[00:38:46] normalcy with

[00:38:47] life without me

[00:38:48] and

[00:38:49] I

[00:38:49] just would

[00:38:50] be done

[00:38:51] I just

[00:38:52] want

[00:38:52] after death

[00:38:53] to be nothing

[00:38:54] I'm so tired

[00:38:55] I just want it

[00:38:55] to be done

[00:38:56] with your

[00:38:57] prior beliefs

[00:38:58] do you think you would be

[00:38:59] in heaven

[00:39:00] or

[00:39:01] hell

[00:39:01] or somewhere else

[00:39:02] I know

[00:39:02] I don't think there's a hell

[00:39:03] I think hell's right here

[00:39:05] I'm living it

[00:39:05] right

[00:39:06] right here

[00:39:07] so you're living it

[00:39:07] with Gracie

[00:39:09] and your boyfriend

[00:39:10] is Gracie

[00:39:10] you know about what happened

[00:39:11] oh god no

[00:39:12] she knew I was in the hospital

[00:39:14] and she was kind of anxious

[00:39:16] and she

[00:39:17] asked her dad a lot

[00:39:18] like is mommy okay

[00:39:20] and she thought

[00:39:21] my belly

[00:39:22] I had a belly

[00:39:23] and she

[00:39:24] her daddy told her that

[00:39:26] my head hurt

[00:39:27] and

[00:39:28] I needed to go to the hospital

[00:39:29] so that my head felt better

[00:39:31] but no

[00:39:31] I mean

[00:39:32] I think

[00:39:33] I worry sometimes

[00:39:34] she picks up on this depression

[00:39:36] I don't know

[00:39:37] I put her in therapy

[00:39:38] we put her in therapy

[00:39:40] last spring

[00:39:41] and she's doing really good

[00:39:42] she's just

[00:39:43] a highly sensitive person

[00:39:44] like I am

[00:39:45] she feels a lot

[00:39:46] and I just

[00:39:46] yeah

[00:39:47] yeah

[00:39:47] I just want her to have the skills

[00:39:49] she's very emotionally intelligent

[00:39:50] and it's just

[00:39:51] she has a hard time regulating

[00:39:54] yeah

[00:39:54] do you think at some point

[00:39:55] if

[00:39:55] if you're alive

[00:39:56] let's just say that

[00:39:58] that you would ever tell her

[00:40:00] I don't

[00:40:01] know

[00:40:02] I mean

[00:40:02] I think like

[00:40:03] if she's

[00:40:04] older

[00:40:04] like a teenager

[00:40:05] or something

[00:40:06] and I'm sure these things

[00:40:07] are gonna come up

[00:40:08] and

[00:40:09] they'll

[00:40:09] be talking about

[00:40:10] these things

[00:40:11] then

[00:40:11] maybe

[00:40:12] I mean

[00:40:13] I'm not

[00:40:14] going to say

[00:40:15] that that's gonna be the only one

[00:40:17] because

[00:40:18] I worry about the statistics

[00:40:20] you know

[00:40:20] you look at the statistics

[00:40:21] it's not

[00:40:21] favorable

[00:40:23] so right now

[00:40:24] you

[00:40:24] do you work now?

[00:40:26] no

[00:40:27] that's another thing that

[00:40:28] bums me out

[00:40:29] but

[00:40:30] I ended up applying for

[00:40:32] social security

[00:40:33] disability

[00:40:33] so

[00:40:34] right now

[00:40:35] I'm just kind of trying to

[00:40:36] I haven't really been the same

[00:40:38] since that attempt

[00:40:39] and

[00:40:39] it just not

[00:40:40] I don't know what it is

[00:40:41] so

[00:40:42] I'm trying to give myself some time

[00:40:45] to like

[00:40:45] really

[00:40:46] hit it hard with therapy

[00:40:48] and

[00:40:49] I also started

[00:40:49] neuro modulation

[00:40:51] neuro therapy

[00:40:52] it's interesting

[00:40:53] I don't know if it's working

[00:40:54] and

[00:40:55] they

[00:40:55] look at your brain waves

[00:40:57] and

[00:40:58] like

[00:40:58] he does like Q

[00:40:59] E E G

[00:41:00] and he looks at

[00:41:01] measures the

[00:41:01] different brain waves

[00:41:02] and then they do a brain map

[00:41:04] and they show

[00:41:05] on your

[00:41:06] brain map

[00:41:06] like which parts

[00:41:07] of your

[00:41:08] brain that

[00:41:09] my friend Nicole

[00:41:10] and I call it

[00:41:10] brain training

[00:41:11] and then they take

[00:41:12] like

[00:41:13] little things

[00:41:14] on this cap

[00:41:15] while you're sitting there

[00:41:16] doing

[00:41:16] psychotherapy

[00:41:17] with a psychologist

[00:41:18] and it's just

[00:41:19] I don't even know how he

[00:41:20] explained it

[00:41:21] like it's like an

[00:41:22] electric current almost

[00:41:23] but not

[00:41:24] do you take meds?

[00:41:26] yeah

[00:41:26] how many different meds

[00:41:27] do you take?

[00:41:28] four

[00:41:29] or five

[00:41:30] I don't know how this works exactly

[00:41:32] maybe it's state by state

[00:41:33] but given that

[00:41:34] you overdosed

[00:41:35] does that affect

[00:41:36] either

[00:41:37] which kind of meds

[00:41:38] and or the amount

[00:41:39] they'll give you in a period of time?

[00:41:41] yeah

[00:41:41] she only gives me

[00:41:43] 12

[00:41:44] at a time

[00:41:45] and that's still

[00:41:46] still going on

[00:41:47] nothing is working

[00:41:48] I mean

[00:41:49] we keep trying

[00:41:50] and trying different things

[00:41:51] I've tried basically everything I

[00:41:53] honestly I told her

[00:41:54] just the other day

[00:41:55] fuck it

[00:41:56] like go

[00:41:57] start paperwork for ECT

[00:41:58] at this point like

[00:42:00] so I guess I'm thinking

[00:42:01] about all this

[00:42:02] as you've shared this

[00:42:03] and I'm wondering

[00:42:04] how is it

[00:42:05] that you stayed alive?

[00:42:06] I do too

[00:42:08] and you know

[00:42:08] people out there would be like

[00:42:10] oh my god

[00:42:11] it's America

[00:42:12] maybe

[00:42:14] you know

[00:42:14] like the whole

[00:42:15] toxic positivity

[00:42:17] there's a reason for everything

[00:42:19] I like these voices

[00:42:21] do you love it?

[00:42:21] yeah

[00:42:22] I love when people go into a little quick

[00:42:24] mini character

[00:42:24] yes

[00:42:25] oh my god

[00:42:26] but my thing is is

[00:42:27] I know

[00:42:28] like

[00:42:28] there's so much out there

[00:42:29] Sean

[00:42:30] I mean I'm sure you know this

[00:42:31] there are websites

[00:42:33] there are forums

[00:42:34] formulas

[00:42:35] and things

[00:42:36] to know

[00:42:37] I basically narrowed it down

[00:42:39] you're talking method now?

[00:42:40] yeah

[00:42:41] if I'm gonna do something

[00:42:42] I know

[00:42:43] how I would like to do it

[00:42:45] probably like other people

[00:42:46] I've talked to recently

[00:42:47] and it's

[00:42:48] the thing

[00:42:49] and it's online

[00:42:50] and it's painless

[00:42:51] and you have to buy something

[00:42:53] and put it over your face

[00:42:54] no

[00:42:55] you know

[00:42:55] it's not that

[00:42:56] because

[00:42:57] I've read some mixed things

[00:42:58] about that

[00:42:58] that it's not entirely painless

[00:43:00] right

[00:43:01] okay yeah yeah

[00:43:01] and the guy got busted

[00:43:02] for selling that stuff

[00:43:04] yes

[00:43:05] well how would you do it?

[00:43:06] honestly

[00:43:07] because

[00:43:07] okay

[00:43:08] it's not true

[00:43:09] I do think about

[00:43:10] maybe

[00:43:11] kind of sometimes

[00:43:12] like

[00:43:12] who might

[00:43:13] find me

[00:43:14] right

[00:43:14] yeah

[00:43:15] not too long ago

[00:43:16] somebody

[00:43:17] over the summer

[00:43:19] you could see it in the

[00:43:20] like in the

[00:43:20] CCTV footage

[00:43:22] on the news

[00:43:23] they were driving their car

[00:43:24] so fast

[00:43:26] it was like 95 miles per hour

[00:43:28] around this corner

[00:43:29] and they hit the county building

[00:43:31] like

[00:43:31] slammed into this marble building

[00:43:34] and the car just

[00:43:35] inflamed

[00:43:35] like they had to identify them

[00:43:37] by their teeth

[00:43:38] and I kept saying

[00:43:39] that was

[00:43:40] for sure a suicide

[00:43:41] there is no way in hell

[00:43:42] because there is a light

[00:43:44] like literally 20 feet from there

[00:43:46] well also you just look for break

[00:43:48] break marks right

[00:43:49] yeah there wasn't

[00:43:49] no

[00:43:50] yeah yeah yeah

[00:43:51] so

[00:43:51] I think that would be a surefire

[00:43:53] way to do it

[00:43:54] okay

[00:43:55] I've looked into the gun thing

[00:43:56] I hate guns

[00:43:57] but I've looked into the gun thing

[00:43:59] I know that would work

[00:44:00] I don't want to

[00:44:02] apply for all that shit

[00:44:03] like I would want to go like

[00:44:04] black market

[00:44:05] and go like

[00:44:06] go some alley behind a dumpster

[00:44:08] and ask somebody

[00:44:09] buy one or something

[00:44:10] do you think about

[00:44:11] when exactly

[00:44:12] that's what my

[00:44:13] my psychiatrist

[00:44:14] always asks me every single

[00:44:17] yeah well that's what they have to ask

[00:44:18] that's why I didn't want to ask it

[00:44:19] because I don't want to sound like a psychiatrist

[00:44:21] yeah she's like

[00:44:22] you're suicidal right now

[00:44:24] like yeah

[00:44:25] like do you have a plan

[00:44:26] yeah

[00:44:27] a plan

[00:44:28] and I was like

[00:44:29] I have a method

[00:44:30] I don't have a day and a time

[00:44:31] right but you know what to do

[00:44:33] and I was like

[00:44:34] mm-hmm

[00:44:35] yeah

[00:44:36] yeah

[00:44:37] yeah like who's gonna do that

[00:44:39] but then I have it

[00:44:40] been to myself so many times

[00:44:41] because I was scared

[00:44:42] so who's to say

[00:44:44] who's to say

[00:44:44] yeah and actually I think

[00:44:45] I don't know how it works for sure

[00:44:47] but as far as I understand it

[00:44:49] imminent risk is within

[00:44:50] I believe 48 hours

[00:44:52] so if your plan

[00:44:53] is next month

[00:44:55] I think that's very different than if it's tomorrow

[00:44:57] in terms of like communicating it with someone

[00:44:59] who has the power to

[00:45:00] and I was gonna say incarcerate you

[00:45:02] and then I'm like

[00:45:02] no she's not going to jail

[00:45:03] but then I thought

[00:45:04] yeah spend some time in those hospitals

[00:45:06] it's kind of an incarcerate

[00:45:08] how many people

[00:45:09] can you count on either hand

[00:45:11] that you

[00:45:11] when you're going through a really hard time

[00:45:13] and I know

[00:45:14] just from what we've talked about

[00:45:16] this is often

[00:45:18] can talk to you

[00:45:18] and not feel shitty about it

[00:45:20] and actually maybe even feel better about it

[00:45:22] I mean I have people

[00:45:23] but like again

[00:45:24] like I said

[00:45:24] like I feel like I don't

[00:45:26] I feel like I'm always holding myself back

[00:45:28] and not

[00:45:29] I don't want to scare people

[00:45:30] and I don't want to

[00:45:32] I'm not asking if those

[00:45:33] those people exist

[00:45:34] I'm asking you

[00:45:34] if

[00:45:35] you do indeed

[00:45:36] talk to them about it

[00:45:37] whatever your reasons are

[00:45:39] I feel like people get bits and pieces of

[00:45:41] what it is

[00:45:42] but I'm afraid to

[00:45:43] give them the whole thing

[00:45:44] because I'm afraid they're seriously gonna

[00:45:46] fall over

[00:45:47] and this includes your

[00:45:48] your current partner

[00:45:50] yeah

[00:45:51] does he know about everything

[00:45:52] the past

[00:45:53] yeah

[00:45:54] we weren't together then

[00:45:56] is there

[00:45:56] anything

[00:45:58] how do you get through the day

[00:45:59] does anything even give you

[00:46:01] a little moment of relief

[00:46:02] sometimes

[00:46:03] I catch myself holding my breath a lot

[00:46:05] or gritting my teeth a lot

[00:46:06] you know like

[00:46:07] I have to remind myself to

[00:46:08] breathe

[00:46:09] I like to write

[00:46:11] and when I'm really depressed

[00:46:12] like I

[00:46:13] don't do things that I used to find

[00:46:15] pleasure in doing

[00:46:16] but

[00:46:16] writing really is helpful for me

[00:46:18] in reading books

[00:46:19] I have a whole bookshelf of books

[00:46:20] but

[00:46:21] you know can I do that

[00:46:22] when I'm not doing well

[00:46:23] I don't know but

[00:46:24] when my daughter's home

[00:46:26] I feel like I do really well

[00:46:27] when she goes

[00:46:29] to her dad's

[00:46:30] half the time

[00:46:31] I feel like I fall apart

[00:46:32] so if I have her to focus on

[00:46:34] then I do like

[00:46:35] I can

[00:46:36] yeah

[00:46:37] this is probably

[00:46:38] kind of random

[00:46:39] and why the change from

[00:46:41] Christianity to Catholicism

[00:46:42] and then to no religion

[00:46:44] oh my god

[00:46:45] I was raised in this

[00:46:47] and then

[00:46:47] the marriage

[00:46:48] and

[00:46:49] spattered in

[00:46:51] my lifetime

[00:46:52] just a lot of shitty

[00:46:54] people

[00:46:55] in the church

[00:46:56] and I've had a lot of people say

[00:46:58] well don't let that reflect on

[00:47:00] God or whatever

[00:47:01] but

[00:47:02] I'm sorry I'm ready to throw the baby out

[00:47:04] with the bathwater at this point

[00:47:05] because

[00:47:06] I've done

[00:47:07] there's a term

[00:47:09] called deconstruction

[00:47:10] I've deconstructed the whole thing

[00:47:12] I've taken it all apart

[00:47:13] and I've looked at it

[00:47:14] and I've decided

[00:47:15] it's not for me

[00:47:16] and mainly because

[00:47:17] I am big

[00:47:19] on like

[00:47:20] human rights

[00:47:20] social justice

[00:47:22] LGBTQ plus rights

[00:47:24] women's rights

[00:47:25] civil rights

[00:47:26] and I don't know if you've noticed

[00:47:29] but

[00:47:30] the evangelical church

[00:47:31] just doesn't align

[00:47:32] with a lot of that stuff

[00:47:33] I believe that you vote

[00:47:35] with your feet

[00:47:36] and if I'm gonna stand some place

[00:47:37] that doesn't align

[00:47:39] with my values

[00:47:40] I'm basically telling them

[00:47:42] that I agree with them

[00:47:43] and I don't

[00:47:44] so I can't do it

[00:47:45] I cannot fucking do it

[00:47:46] I cannot fucking stand

[00:47:48] with people who use

[00:47:50] whatever their religion is

[00:47:51] for oppression

[00:47:53] that includes Catholicism

[00:47:54] all of it

[00:47:56] I feel like my little girl

[00:47:58] she's going to

[00:47:59] Catechism tonight

[00:48:00] she loves it

[00:48:01] she literally comes home

[00:48:03] from school

[00:48:04] and on the back of her

[00:48:04] classwork

[00:48:05] she's like

[00:48:06] mommy

[00:48:06] look I drew

[00:48:07] Jesus on the cross

[00:48:08] and I'm like

[00:48:09] whoa

[00:48:10] or she writes

[00:48:12] like

[00:48:12] our father

[00:48:13] on the back of her paperwork

[00:48:15] or she

[00:48:15] draws a picture of nature

[00:48:17] and she writes

[00:48:18] God's creation

[00:48:19] and I was like

[00:48:20] what?

[00:48:20] and she's like

[00:48:21] God's creation

[00:48:22] I was like

[00:48:22] oh God's creation

[00:48:23] I have a feeling

[00:48:24] at this point

[00:48:25] she might turn into a nun

[00:48:26] with an atheist mother

[00:48:28] who know

[00:48:29] so just to be clear

[00:48:29] you were Catholic

[00:48:30] when she was born

[00:48:31] her dad too

[00:48:32] her dad

[00:48:32] okay

[00:48:33] got it

[00:48:34] but she knows you're not

[00:48:35] no

[00:48:35] she thinks you are

[00:48:37] yeah

[00:48:37] I mean I just

[00:48:38] I just try to support her

[00:48:40] and her stuff

[00:48:40] she's just super cute

[00:48:42] and she talks about this stuff

[00:48:43] all the time

[00:48:44] and I'm just like

[00:48:45] you know

[00:48:46] until it gets to like

[00:48:47] scary

[00:48:48] like

[00:48:49] indoctrinating

[00:48:50] stuff

[00:48:51] then I'm going to step in

[00:48:52] but

[00:48:52] if she

[00:48:53] like her little beautiful spirit

[00:48:55] wants to

[00:48:56] whatever

[00:48:57] talk about Mary

[00:48:57] all you want

[00:48:58] you know

[00:48:58] she came home

[00:48:59] when she was in kindergarten

[00:49:00] with this picture

[00:49:01] they had to draw

[00:49:02] like a face

[00:49:02] on this picture

[00:49:03] of this little

[00:49:04] face

[00:49:04] with like

[00:49:05] a little girl

[00:49:05] with hair

[00:49:06] in a

[00:49:07] winter hat

[00:49:08] and then I said

[00:49:08] oh what's her name

[00:49:09] and she goes

[00:49:10] oh that's Mary

[00:49:11] Jesus's mom

[00:49:12] we go to the park

[00:49:13] and she swings

[00:49:14] on a swing

[00:49:14] with the kid

[00:49:15] and it's around

[00:49:15] Easter time

[00:49:16] and she's like

[00:49:16] did you know

[00:49:17] that Jadal died

[00:49:17] for your sins

[00:49:18] I'm like

[00:49:18] oh Lord God

[00:49:20] no

[00:49:21] but she

[00:49:22] really is pure

[00:49:23] about it

[00:49:23] it's really cute

[00:49:25] so whatever

[00:49:25] I mean she's got the right

[00:49:27] name for it

[00:49:27] yeah

[00:49:28] but all this stuff

[00:49:29] all this stuff

[00:49:30] right now

[00:49:30] like

[00:49:31] you know

[00:49:31] the world is a heavy place

[00:49:33] and I think that contributes

[00:49:34] when you're a person

[00:49:36] who

[00:49:36] is kind of an empath

[00:49:38] and sensitive

[00:49:39] and feels everything

[00:49:40] and cares about it all

[00:49:41] and cares about everybody

[00:49:43] and

[00:49:43] the well-being

[00:49:44] you know

[00:49:45] just

[00:49:45] a humanitarian

[00:49:46] at heart

[00:49:47] like

[00:49:47] how can you not

[00:49:48] like feel it all

[00:49:49] if I'm not the death

[00:49:50] of me

[00:49:51] I feel like

[00:49:52] just caring

[00:49:53] so much about

[00:49:54] like I always

[00:49:54] help people

[00:49:55] I fucking hate people

[00:49:56] I just hate ignorant

[00:49:57] stupid people

[00:49:58] you know

[00:49:59] so I've been really

[00:50:00] really

[00:50:01] like raw about that

[00:50:02] lately

[00:50:02] do you have any

[00:50:04] myths or misconceptions

[00:50:05] about any of the stuff

[00:50:06] that haven't already

[00:50:07] sort of come up

[00:50:08] that you want to

[00:50:09] discuss

[00:50:10] or dispel

[00:50:11] I think people think

[00:50:12] that it's just

[00:50:13] like

[00:50:13] it's only

[00:50:14] depressed people

[00:50:15] or

[00:50:16] it's only

[00:50:17] a certain age

[00:50:18] bracket

[00:50:19] or

[00:50:19] it's only

[00:50:20] like

[00:50:21] people don't care

[00:50:22] like the person

[00:50:23] who's

[00:50:23] attempting

[00:50:24] or

[00:50:25] completing

[00:50:26] suicide

[00:50:27] they don't care

[00:50:28] about anybody else

[00:50:30] okay

[00:50:31] you know

[00:50:31] no that's not true

[00:50:32] and the soul selfish

[00:50:34] thing really bothers me

[00:50:35] because somebody said

[00:50:36] on one of your podcasts

[00:50:37] that really resonated

[00:50:39] with me

[00:50:40] is

[00:50:40] it's selfish

[00:50:41] for you

[00:50:42] to tell me

[00:50:43] that I'm being selfish

[00:50:44] because I'll hurt you

[00:50:46] if

[00:50:46] I do this

[00:50:47] because you're not

[00:50:49] compassionate enough

[00:50:50] to understand

[00:50:51] that I'm hurting

[00:50:52] and I'm not saying

[00:50:53] like somebody

[00:50:53] just to like

[00:50:54] hold my hand and be like

[00:50:55] go ahead

[00:50:55] kill yourself

[00:50:56] but like

[00:50:56] so many times

[00:50:57] you just say

[00:50:58] like

[00:50:59] I'm having these thoughts

[00:51:00] or I'm

[00:51:00] really struggling

[00:51:01] and people

[00:51:02] just want to

[00:51:02] jump and fix it

[00:51:03] and instead

[00:51:04] I just wish

[00:51:05] somebody would

[00:51:06] just look at you

[00:51:07] and say

[00:51:08] I am so sorry

[00:51:10] you're struggling

[00:51:10] that really sucks

[00:51:12] that really sucks

[00:51:13] and I'll just sit here

[00:51:14] I'm your friend

[00:51:15] I'm not going anywhere

[00:51:16] I'm really sorry

[00:51:18] yeah those people have seen

[00:51:19] unfortunately rather

[00:51:21] uncommon or rare to find

[00:51:22] there are not many out there

[00:51:23] I've

[00:51:24] in my experience

[00:51:26] All right Emily

[00:51:26] I know you know about

[00:51:27] the pink and purple pill

[00:51:29] question you've

[00:51:30] probably been waiting for it

[00:51:31] I give Emily a pill

[00:51:32] it happens to be pink

[00:51:33] and purple

[00:51:34] she takes it

[00:51:34] she goes to sleep

[00:51:36] it's painless

[00:51:36] she dies

[00:51:37] nobody knows

[00:51:38] it's a suicide

[00:51:39] it's just

[00:51:40] she died in her sleep

[00:51:41] as does sometimes happen

[00:51:42] do you take it

[00:51:44] yep

[00:51:44] don't put it in the drawer

[00:51:45] behind you

[00:51:46] but next year

[00:51:47] bad and just save it

[00:51:47] for maybe another day

[00:51:49] no

[00:51:49] I think that

[00:51:51] I thought about this a lot

[00:51:52] you know

[00:51:53] I thought

[00:51:53] man

[00:51:54] you know

[00:51:54] if I got like

[00:51:55] a terminal

[00:51:56] illness or something

[00:51:57] like

[00:51:57] maybe that would like

[00:51:58] hit me over the head

[00:51:59] and like

[00:52:00] knock some suns into me

[00:52:01] or something

[00:52:01] and then I'd appreciate life

[00:52:02] more or something

[00:52:04] but honest to God

[00:52:05] I just

[00:52:06] I really think

[00:52:07] especially if they thought

[00:52:08] it was an accident

[00:52:10] this part of me

[00:52:11] I don't think I've ever done

[00:52:12] this

[00:52:13] but you were

[00:52:13] active about sending me

[00:52:15] those notes

[00:52:16] it's three photos

[00:52:18] or screenshots

[00:52:19] it's long

[00:52:19] do you want to

[00:52:20] read the whole thing

[00:52:21] or part of it

[00:52:21] how do you want to do it

[00:52:22] and just to remind people

[00:52:24] this is going back now like

[00:52:25] almost three years ago

[00:52:27] you wrote a note

[00:52:28] posted it on Facebook

[00:52:29] at some point

[00:52:29] took it down

[00:52:30] even deleted Facebook

[00:52:31] a lot of people saw this

[00:52:33] a lot of people saw this

[00:52:35] and that's how they

[00:52:36] got me help

[00:52:37] or

[00:52:38] whatever

[00:52:38] and honestly

[00:52:39] I mean

[00:52:40] this was up

[00:52:41] for a good two weeks

[00:52:42] because

[00:52:43] I was in the hospital

[00:52:45] right

[00:52:46] I'll read it

[00:52:47] okay

[00:52:47] listen to your suicide note

[00:52:48] and I don't think we've ever done this

[00:52:50] okay I don't let's

[00:52:51] I've never read it out loud

[00:52:52] so we'll see how I do

[00:52:54] I was such a good person

[00:52:55] early in my life

[00:52:56] I did everything right

[00:52:57] I really did

[00:52:58] then something happened

[00:52:59] and I broke

[00:53:00] I don't know

[00:53:00] if it was my marriage

[00:53:01] in my early twenties

[00:53:02] or what

[00:53:03] but I fell apart

[00:53:04] I started drinking

[00:53:05] and hurting myself

[00:53:06] and developed an eating disorder

[00:53:08] I became depressed

[00:53:09] and always thought about wanting to die

[00:53:11] I never fully recovered from that

[00:53:14] never

[00:53:15] I've been sober nine years

[00:53:16] and that's a big deal

[00:53:17] but I still feel like a fuck up

[00:53:19] I still struggle with depression

[00:53:21] I still lose weight

[00:53:22] and gain weight

[00:53:23] my greatest accomplishment

[00:53:24] before Gracie was my college degree

[00:53:27] fuck that now

[00:53:28] my greatest accomplishment ever

[00:53:29] in my entire life

[00:53:31] is my precious girl

[00:53:32] and I still failed her

[00:53:33] I can't go on

[00:53:35] I approved over

[00:53:36] and over again

[00:53:37] that I cannot handle my life

[00:53:39] I am too emotional

[00:53:41] I'm too sensitive

[00:53:42] I'm too loving

[00:53:43] and giving

[00:53:44] and I feel too much

[00:53:45] I get way too overwhelmed

[00:53:47] but honestly

[00:53:48] I don't feel like a good person

[00:53:50] and I just want to go

[00:53:51] Gracie is the best dad ever

[00:53:53] she's so much better with him

[00:53:55] he does such a good job

[00:53:56] I admire him a lot

[00:53:58] Dave, I hope you know that

[00:53:59] I know we didn't work out as a couple

[00:54:01] but that we parented so well together

[00:54:03] for her meant so much to me

[00:54:05] I'm going to break her heart

[00:54:07] my heart is breaking thinking about this

[00:54:09] some of you are going to hate me for this

[00:54:11] but I am in so much pain

[00:54:13] I just need to go

[00:54:15] I put her on the bus

[00:54:16] and now I just want to hold her one more time

[00:54:19] what is wrong with me?

[00:54:20] somebody

[00:54:21] something has always been wrong with me

[00:54:23] and I put like

[00:54:24] five exclamation points

[00:54:26] I love my sister so much

[00:54:27] and I wish I could spend every day with her

[00:54:29] but we were always too busy

[00:54:30] and I always felt like

[00:54:31] I fucked up that relationship too

[00:54:33] my parents gave me so much more than I deserve

[00:54:35] and I feel like I aged them

[00:54:37] I love you mom and dad so much

[00:54:39] they worried about me for years

[00:54:41] now I will break them

[00:54:42] my mom doesn't understand depression

[00:54:44] it's real mom

[00:54:45] see?

[00:54:46] I'm really done

[00:54:47] it's time

[00:54:48] these hormones that I've been on

[00:54:50] have finally made me crazy enough to push me over the edge

[00:54:53] and help me do what I've always wanted to do all these years

[00:54:55] but never had the guts to do

[00:54:57] I took all my pills in my cupboard

[00:54:59] I'm going to lay down and go to sleep

[00:55:01] I'm so sad

[00:55:02] I'm so stupid

[00:55:03] I'm such a bad person

[00:55:05] I wanted to be better

[00:55:07] I wanted to hold my baby one more time

[00:55:09] and now I'm breaking her heart

[00:55:11] I'm such a terrible person

[00:55:12] uh

[00:55:14] yeah

[00:55:15] what I find interesting

[00:55:16] and I hate to sound clinical

[00:55:17] is it's so logical

[00:55:19] I know

[00:55:19] it's not a quote unquote

[00:55:21] crazed person

[00:55:22] it's not

[00:55:23] you know

[00:55:24] it's just

[00:55:25] somebody who's had enough

[00:55:26] and yes there are some chemicals

[00:55:27] tracing through your body

[00:55:28] that are not helping

[00:55:30] somebody reach out to me last week

[00:55:31] Sean that basically asked me

[00:55:33] to come back to church

[00:55:34] because

[00:55:35] I've been battling my depression for 20 years

[00:55:38] and it's time to put it to rest

[00:55:40] and

[00:55:41] claim victory over it

[00:55:43] and I deserve it

[00:55:44] and I just railed right in and said

[00:55:46] excuse me

[00:55:48] hmm

[00:55:48] what I want to know

[00:55:49] and I don't think you have

[00:55:51] access to this

[00:55:52] because you deleted your account

[00:55:54] weirdly I want to know

[00:55:55] did anybody comment on that

[00:55:57] do you remember

[00:55:58] oh a lot of people did

[00:55:59] and they were all very kind

[00:56:01] there was one person I

[00:56:02] I thought they didn't like me

[00:56:04] because they were

[00:56:06] president of the senior class

[00:56:08] when I was in high school

[00:56:09] the only

[00:56:10] only reunion I've ever gone to

[00:56:12] was the 10 year

[00:56:13] reunion

[00:56:14] well that was

[00:56:15] right after my divorce

[00:56:17] like I was divorced

[00:56:18] the divorce is final November 1st 2006

[00:56:21] and it was Thanksgiving weekend

[00:56:23] I got trashed

[00:56:25] I was trashed

[00:56:26] I was so

[00:56:28] trashed

[00:56:29] they literally had to walk me over

[00:56:31] to my friend's house

[00:56:32] somebody had to drive me

[00:56:33] to my parents house

[00:56:34] because I didn't live

[00:56:35] with my parents

[00:56:36] I lived up north

[00:56:37] then somebody else

[00:56:38] had to drive my car

[00:56:39] and they were holding me

[00:56:40] on either side

[00:56:41] I was going up to all the popular guys

[00:56:43] in high school

[00:56:44] and seeing some really

[00:56:46] embarrassing things

[00:56:47] hey Annie

[00:56:48] Annie, guess what

[00:56:50] you'd be like

[00:56:50] hey I'm what

[00:56:51] I got my titties embarrassed

[00:56:53] that's what I was doing this shit

[00:56:54] smoking a cigarette

[00:56:56] drinking

[00:56:56] and they're like

[00:56:57] oh okay

[00:56:59] like these are the people

[00:57:00] that were so popular

[00:57:01] and I'm like over here

[00:57:03] falling apart

[00:57:04] and I never got invited back

[00:57:05] and I thought

[00:57:06] this person doesn't like me

[00:57:07] well she like

[00:57:09] was so kind

[00:57:10] and sent me

[00:57:12] something in the mail

[00:57:12] for Gracie

[00:57:13] and a card

[00:57:14] and I was like what

[00:57:15] all right so for all the

[00:57:16] negative stuff we hear

[00:57:18] sometimes

[00:57:19] even a space like Facebook

[00:57:20] there can be some positive things

[00:57:22] yeah

[00:57:23] yeah there can be

[00:57:25] but you still deleted that shit

[00:57:26] I guess I can't be trusted

[00:57:28] your parents and sister

[00:57:30] your nuclear family

[00:57:31] they

[00:57:32] know about your attempt

[00:57:33] mm-hmm

[00:57:34] they know about the note

[00:57:35] mm-hmm

[00:57:36] and I know there are three different people

[00:57:37] they're not one

[00:57:38] entity

[00:57:39] what did they say

[00:57:40] yeah

[00:57:40] I feel like it woke them up a little bit

[00:57:42] um

[00:57:43] I feel like they've been more sensitive

[00:57:45] toward all of this

[00:57:47] my

[00:57:48] struggles

[00:57:49] with depression

[00:57:50] and stuff

[00:57:50] um

[00:57:51] since then

[00:57:52] I mean they're very supportive

[00:57:53] I know I'm loved

[00:57:54] and I know

[00:57:55] they'll do anything for me

[00:57:57] I mean I know this

[00:57:58] but sometimes

[00:57:59] when you're

[00:58:00] really struggling

[00:58:01] I don't know

[00:58:02] I mean maybe I'm just too sensitive

[00:58:03] maybe I'm just

[00:58:04] a fucking pussy

[00:58:05] I don't know

[00:58:05] but

[00:58:06] like

[00:58:06] somebody just comes up to you

[00:58:08] and says like

[00:58:09] pull yourself up by your bootstraps

[00:58:11] like

[00:58:12] stop wallowing

[00:58:13] get out of bed

[00:58:14] mm-hmm

[00:58:15] you know

[00:58:15] I can

[00:58:15] I can go out to the car

[00:58:17] and cry

[00:58:18] and then go back to work

[00:58:19] why can't you do that

[00:58:20] what's wrong with you

[00:58:21] I don't know how many people

[00:58:23] are listening to this

[00:58:24] or will listen to this

[00:58:25] I am so sure

[00:58:27] that so many of them

[00:58:28] get where you're coming from with that

[00:58:30] among other things you've shared

[00:58:32] but

[00:58:32] what you just said man

[00:58:33] it's like so true

[00:58:35] yeah

[00:58:36] um which is you know

[00:58:36] one of the main reasons

[00:58:37] why I do the podcast

[00:58:38] so that people feel like

[00:58:39] alright you know

[00:58:40] I'm probably never gonna meet Emily

[00:58:42] in suburban Detroit

[00:58:43] but

[00:58:44] she's out there

[00:58:45] and she's struggling to

[00:58:47] what are the odds

[00:58:48] you were going to die

[00:58:49] a natural death

[00:58:51] I've always known

[00:58:53] for like 15-20 years

[00:58:54] I've always

[00:58:55] I just have this idea that

[00:58:57] I'm not going to die a natural death

[00:58:59] so I don't think they're married

[00:59:01] the odds are not

[00:59:02] ever in my favor

[00:59:04] yeah

[00:59:04] although the Detroit Lions

[00:59:06] almost made the damn Super Bowl

[00:59:07] oh I know

[00:59:08] it's gonna happen

[00:59:09] yeah

[00:59:10] not

[00:59:11] you know

[00:59:11] I'm not the guy to tell people what to do

[00:59:13] but sometimes

[00:59:14] miraculous things

[00:59:16] they do

[00:59:17] changes yeah

[00:59:18] and like maybe

[00:59:19] something

[00:59:20] like there's always a small

[00:59:23] particle of sand

[00:59:25] bit

[00:59:25] of me that is kind of like

[00:59:27] maybe this will be the year

[00:59:29] maybe this will be the month

[00:59:30] maybe this will be the time that

[00:59:32] this all goes away

[00:59:33] or I figure something out

[00:59:35] maybe I need to try catamine

[00:59:37] or

[00:59:38] microdose

[00:59:38] I don't know

[00:59:39] what to do

[00:59:40] like I don't know

[00:59:41] but there's got to be something

[00:59:43] that will help

[00:59:43] like am I completely

[00:59:45] like is this

[00:59:46] completely beyond me

[00:59:47] like am I just

[00:59:48] because at this point

[00:59:49] that's what I feel

[00:59:50] but maybe

[00:59:51] it's not the case

[00:59:52] maybe there is something

[00:59:53] I don't know

[00:59:54] anything else you'd like to share

[00:59:56] before we get back

[00:59:57] to our

[00:59:58] ventilating lives

[01:00:00] you know I've been really looking forward

[01:00:02] to this today

[01:00:02] and

[01:00:03] the ability to talk to you

[01:00:05] like I showed my friend

[01:00:08] who I told about today

[01:00:09] I shared your website with her

[01:00:11] she's like oh this is so cool Emily

[01:00:13] you know like

[01:00:14] I was very nervous

[01:00:15] but

[01:00:16] excited because I don't

[01:00:18] talk about it like this

[01:00:19] I don't get to just

[01:00:20] like no holds barred

[01:00:22] just

[01:00:22] here we are

[01:00:23] this is it

[01:00:24] this is me

[01:00:24] this is

[01:00:25] what I think and feel

[01:00:26] and

[01:00:27] this is what I've been through

[01:00:28] and

[01:00:29] you know

[01:00:29] and you're not going to just get

[01:00:30] little pieces that might fit

[01:00:32] so that you don't get offended

[01:00:33] on my

[01:00:34] account

[01:00:35] you know

[01:00:35] and I'm sitting over here

[01:00:36] dying inside

[01:00:37] but

[01:00:38] I'm

[01:00:38] making you feel better about yourself

[01:00:40] finally

[01:00:41] I can just let it out

[01:00:42] and

[01:00:43] and

[01:00:44] tell people

[01:00:45] what it's like

[01:00:46] and then

[01:00:46] this has really helped me a lot

[01:00:48] it's really helped me

[01:00:49] there have been so many people's stories

[01:00:52] the way that you just

[01:00:53] create a conversation with people

[01:00:55] it just flows naturally

[01:00:57] and

[01:00:57] the people's stories

[01:00:58] that I've heard are just all

[01:01:00] every

[01:01:00] everybody says something

[01:01:02] that helps

[01:01:03] every single episode

[01:01:04] that I've listened to

[01:01:05] mawa

[01:01:06] I'm glad to hear that

[01:01:07] and I appreciate you saying those kind words

[01:01:09] I mean it was such an occasion today

[01:01:11] I was so happy to like

[01:01:13] put on makeup

[01:01:13] and do my hair

[01:01:14] and

[01:01:15] wow

[01:01:15] you know

[01:01:16] I don't

[01:01:17] look like a depressed person today

[01:01:18] because I

[01:01:19] like has something

[01:01:20] purposeful to do

[01:01:21] and sometimes it's about that

[01:01:23] and I think like

[01:01:23] maybe I need to volunteer

[01:01:25] well I appreciate you

[01:01:26] doing it

[01:01:27] and being open

[01:01:28] and brave

[01:01:28] and

[01:01:29] and talking

[01:01:30] so

[01:01:30] I think you're brave

[01:01:31] because

[01:01:32] I know

[01:01:32] why you do what you do

[01:01:34] because I read

[01:01:35] why

[01:01:35] your

[01:01:36] reason why

[01:01:37] and

[01:01:38] the fact that you

[01:01:40] just hear

[01:01:41] so much

[01:01:42] well you're

[01:01:43] you

[01:01:44] struggle with some of this too

[01:01:45] and

[01:01:45] you've experienced it

[01:01:46] with a friend

[01:01:47] and

[01:01:48] this is just a heavy topic

[01:01:49] but you're so

[01:01:50] brave to just

[01:01:51] tap into it

[01:01:52] unfiltered

[01:01:53] yeah

[01:01:54] thanks

[01:01:55] I try

[01:01:56] thanks

[01:01:57] you're welcome

[01:01:58] wishing you well

[01:01:59] you too

[01:02:00] thanks Sean

[01:02:01] alright

[01:02:02] have a good day

[01:02:02] bye

[01:02:03] take care

[01:02:03] you too

[01:02:04] bye

[01:02:06] as always thanks so much for listening

[01:02:08] and all of your support

[01:02:09] special thanks to

[01:02:10] Emily

[01:02:10] up in Michigan

[01:02:11] thank you

[01:02:12] Emily

[01:02:12] if you are

[01:02:13] a suicide attempt survivor

[01:02:14] and you'd like to talk

[01:02:15] please reach out

[01:02:16] hello at

[01:02:17] SuicideNoted.com

[01:02:18] on Facebook

[01:02:19] or

[01:02:20] X

[01:02:20] at

[01:02:21] Suicide

[01:02:22] Noted

[01:02:22] a

[01:02:23] friendly reminder

[01:02:24] to rate

[01:02:24] and review

[01:02:25] the Suicide Noted podcast

[01:02:26] it helps people

[01:02:27] find it

[01:02:28] and of course we want more

[01:02:29] people to

[01:02:29] find it

[01:02:30] and that is all for episode number

[01:02:32] 207

[01:02:34] stay strong

[01:02:35] do the best you can

[01:02:36] I will talk to you soon