Austin in Texas

[00:00:00] Free audio post-production By Alphonic.com So I was seeing a counselor before my first attempt on the bridge, and I spent that day, when I went back to the school, I was in his office all day, and I was kind of just spilling it out to him, like, this is what happened, this is what I was going to do, this is what was going on. And right after that, he went and told the principals, both of them, the assistant and the actual principal. So after that, that was like the last day I talked to him. I was like, oh, well, I can't tell you anything.

[00:00:52] Hey there, my name is Sean, and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast, I talk with suicide attempt survivors and ideators so that we can hear their stories. Every year around the world, millions of people try to take their own lives, so we almost never talk about it. We certainly don't talk about it enough, and when we do talk about it, when we engage with people in pain, we are not very good at it. You know that, I know that, it's a problem. So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations, and hopefully better conversations

[00:01:21] with attempt survivors and ideators so that more people in more places can hopefully feel a little less shitty and a little less alone. That really is about it. Now, if you are a survivor and you'd like to talk, I'd love to talk with you. Please reach out. Hello at suicidenoted.com. It's real simple. I'll get back to you. I promise. You can learn more about this podcast in a number of places, including suicidenoted.com. If you have a question about anything, just shoot me an email. I'll get back to you. And a couple of friendly reminders. We've got a weekly poll on Spotify. I'd love to hear from more of you.

[00:01:51] You can rate this podcast, hopefully five stars on Apple if that's where you listen. And we are fiscally sponsored, which means we can accept tax-deductible donations, and we could really use the help. Thank you for all or any of those things. I appreciate it very much. Finally, we are talking about suicide here on this podcast. My guests and I do not hold back. Please take that into account before you listen or as you listen, but I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn. Today, I am talking with Austin.

[00:02:19] I first met Austin through Instagram and then on the tour in Texas, and then we caught up a couple months later via Zoom. Austin was living in Texas. He's now in California, and he is a suicide attempt survivor. There he is. My man, Austin. How are you? What's going on, man? Not too much. How about you? I'm all right. I'm all right. You vaping? Yeah, I got to charge it up. What do you got? What's your flavor?

[00:02:49] Sour strawberry. I stopped. I'm just doing these Velo pouches, so I don't have any of the oral sucking, which is pleasurable. That's been a hard thing to undo. All right, dude, you look different. Did you shave your head? Yep, shaved my head, shaved my beard. First of all, thanks for talking with me. I appreciate it. Absolutely. Thank you for having me. You're still in the Dallas area? Yep. Yep. It's confusing with your name. You realize that, right? Yep. Dallas, not Austin. I'm Austin in Dallas, not Dallas in Austin.

[00:03:19] You know there's a dude named Dallas in Austin somewhere. Oh yeah, absolutely. This is not hyperbole of what I'm about to say. I'm not exaggerating. So as a lot of listeners know, I put together this tour, started in Raleigh, North Carolina, ended in Tucson, Arizona. About the midway stop, I'm in the Dallas area. One of my past guests connects me with somebody who's got an animal sanctuary outside of Dallas. Let's say about 30 minutes or so.

[00:03:42] So I know when I get there that I'm going to be speaking with my past guest, like I did for the podcast originally. So she helped me find a place. And the person who runs the place, really sweet guy, him and his partner, he also wanted to talk about his struggles, his ideations. All right. Then there was another guy, past guest, who lived in that area who came by.

[00:04:03] So now we have three people, two of whom I've spoken to for the podcast before, speaking in front of a small group of other human beings in that area who wanted to listen and support and ask some questions. So we're getting started. It's hard to explain. I mean, you have to see a picture, but like we're behind the house. Our backs are to the house. We're looking out at this beautiful, you know, it's not a pasture. What if it's animals? It's a beautiful area.

[00:04:25] And some dude who told me he might be showing up had heard the podcast on Instagram, which I rarely use. So I'm like, all right, cool. A lot of people say they're going to do things and they don't do them, at least with this stuff, because people are scared to shit to talk about suicide. So a lot of people have good intentions. I didn't entirely forget about it, but I was really busy and they mostly forgot about it. So we were just getting our conversation started. And I look over, I hear the gate open. The dude's walking in. Now, here's the thing. Everyone knows where this is going.

[00:04:54] I know I'm being very long-winded. The thing about Austin that you need to know, the man I'm talking to today, is that he doesn't just make an appearance in Kemp, Texas. He does so in more style than anybody else who was at the tour at any stop. Austin, I want for you, with your permission, this is not the most important thing we're going to talk about, but please share with our audience what you were wearing that day. And don't hold back.

[00:05:20] And you got to remember, we weren't in New York City when I say this. We weren't in LA and we're not in, even in downtown Dallas. We're like in Kemp, Texas. Go Google that shit if you want. What were you wearing, Austin? I was fashionably late. I showed up. I had a nice all-white vest on. I had a long sleeve under it. I had some flare pants on. What color? They were a baby blue. They were a baby blue. They were a baby blue. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:05:50] I had my cowboy boots on. I had a nice little scarf that matched the pants and the vest. And I was ready. I was ready. And when you walked in, I was like, there was a moment where I'm like, he's definitely in the wrong place. He might be lost. I don't think I knew what you looked like at all, right? Because I only know of Instagram and you don't have your face there. I'm not the type of guy to go like nosing around your profile. I use Instagram. So I don't know what you look like. And you said who you were. I put it together. You sit down. You join the conversation.

[00:06:20] We all talk for about an hour. Less than ideal for recording because of the wind and because I'm not great at tech stuff. But you were there. We talked. We hung out. That was a kind of a cool experience, right? Because we were other people. Cool environment. And didn't we have some good food too? Absolutely. Good food. Good dessert. It was, I enjoyed the environment. When I first got there, I was like, man, is this the right house? I was the same way. Yeah. I mean, you didn't know a hundred percent if you were going to get shot. Exactly.

[00:06:48] I was like, yeah, you don't just walk up onto a stranger's property and especially into their backyard. So I was like, I hope this is the right group. Right. You know, it's interesting because it's like the person who owns the organization and runs in this part of I mean, they're a gay couple in their forties or whatever from Central America. Like it matters for the vibe. But you also like if you're driving around, I mean, there's things around. It's not that far outside of Dallas, but you don't have to drive that far outside of Dallas.

[00:07:15] But you're like in Texas and like there are farms and it's conservative mostly. And I remember that you and I took some photos. Afterwards, you and I were talking one-on-one a little bit. We might've been penning the white donkey. I don't use social media much, but I think on Facebook, you can see a picture of the donkey. And we're talking and you were like, I think, and I'm paraphrasing a little bit, but you were just talking about, I know you're from, I believe, Michigan. That's correct. Suicide attempt survivor.

[00:07:42] So my question is one, why did you show up that day? And two, how are you here now? Because you weren't always on board with necessarily speaking with me for the podcast. Two-part question. So showing up that day, it was more kind of like I had already reached out and messaged you. And I was like, well, I'm half committed. Let's do it. Yeah. And in style. Even now you're sort of dressed down, but you have a little bit of a, like you understand clothing and style. Yeah.

[00:08:13] I'm a little dressed up. I got some fancy pants on right now still. What color are they? Well, he's got pink pants, but like, so yeah. And like the, a belt and like, you can clearly see the belt. So silver chains and shit. Where do you go shopping? Seriously. So the pants I usually get from Fashion Nova. And then the chains, I actually, I got these off of Amazon for pretty cheap. I got them many years ago. They're just stainless steel chains.

[00:08:40] Are you going to be the guy who's going to try to sneak in a little bit of style with that uniform? So you'd be like just a little different, but they might not notice. Yep. Yep. I absolutely will. I'll try it down a little bit. But you were a maybe to talk with me for the podcast, kind of officially one-on-one. So what, what tempted you to do that? Before bootcamp, it was because I was still in that space, but I got out of bootcamp the 15th.

[00:09:05] But I'm, I feel like I'm in a better space right now versus when I first reached out to message you. When was that? Do you remember? I mean, I could look on Instagram, but didn't we, did we communicate at all before, before the tour? Like meaning like October 14th. Yeah. Can I read it? And we can cut stuff. Yeah. Can I read what you wrote? October 14th at 7.49 PM. Sean, my name is Austin. I've listened to all the podcasts on Apple. All right. So I've been intrigued, impressed, captivated. Thanks very much.

[00:09:33] I plan to be in attendance while you're in Texas, which came true, but he would love to talk. But of course have second guessed that. I've also second guessed even reaching out. I thought of joining to be on episodes multiple times, but failed to reach out due to stigma or even ego. All right. We got some stuff to talk about. This is an interesting. I have a story that should be told and shared. Unsure of the words or uncomfortable with the phrasing. It's been carried for years without evidence being seen. If you see this, consider it.

[00:10:03] This page is great evidence. A note that has been noted. A story told for all to see, but little have seen. Looking forward to Dada. Thanks very much. Blah, blah. You're good. Thanks. Kind words to Sean and the podcast. All right, bro. So here we are. It's the end of January. We're already 20 minutes in, and we haven't even said one word about suicide. Yep. I was like, this might be a long podcast now. I was like. Hey, you know what? That's fine. And I edit. I edit some, you know, so that's part of my job. How many?

[00:10:32] Let's just jump right in. How many suicide attempts do you have that you consider attempts? One for sure. That was the plan, and I was trying to carry that out. Maybe another four or five after that, where it was just kind of like a thought that like with the flip of the switch, it could have been changed real quick to where it wasn't just a thought. It was an act. There's three distinct ones that were last year. It was a tough year. They were real close. But before that, I wrote a bunch of notes.

[00:11:02] So I was like, these are times. So I'll look over those. But I just know like the three last year really stick out for me. Last year meaning 2025? Yes. Okay. So you're 26 years old. You were, you're from, are you from Detroit or from another part of Michigan? From Ann Arbor area. It's actually like a little village I lived in. It was called Dexter. So Ann Arbor is small enough, but you were in a smaller area near the college, near the university? Yep. Go blue? Big blue?

[00:11:31] Go blue. Okay. Do you remember when you first started thinking about, I might want to kill myself? I was 14. You're born to that moment when you first started thinking. And I know it may not be an exact memory, an exact moment. More or less, like what's your life like that leads you to that point? Before, like it was, it was a good family life. My mom and dad, we lived in the same house. No, no divorces. I had three siblings that lived with me. And it was about age nine to 12.

[00:12:01] That's about when you get rocky in the family house. Um, my brothers were going through their own mental struggles. Um, they were acting up. There was police involvement. And so like, I, I was fine then. I was always, I was good, like mentally wise. I didn't have no struggles then. And it was once I hit high school, that's when I started to struggle more. My first, my freshman year high school, I got kicked out of high school. So that was, that was like what started it basically.

[00:12:29] Um, and I got kicked out because I had a pocket knife in my backpack and it was the end of the world. They're like, Oh, you can't have that. And they tried to, they wanted to expel me. So I didn't get expelled. I just got put on a long-term suspension, which meant that I would be out of school all of freshman year, but I was allowed to come back a sophomore year, my second year. For a pocket knife? Yep. For a pocket knife. They had, there was plenty of other kids. Like it was kind of a country high school.

[00:12:56] So a lot of the country boys, they had a pocket knife on their waist and stuff. Oh, so do you, now Austin, you, but what's your race? Uh, so I'm black and white mixed. Does that, does that play a part in you getting suspended, do you think? Yes. So if you're a white kid, if you're not black and white, but white and white, you don't get suspended. No. How many black kids were in your school? Maybe four or five. Okay. I'll have probably a thousand kids. Weirdly, I'm thinking you guys didn't hang out together. Nope. They were in other grades.

[00:13:26] Okay. Oh, four in the whole high school. So you're the only kid in ninth grade who's not white or Hispanic. I imagine. I think, yeah, I think there was maybe one or two others. So you're treated differently. So how does that snowball into you thinking about ending your life? Cause let's be fair about it. Some people that happens to, they might feel all kinds of ways. They don't start thinking about ending their life. Some do, some don't. You were one of them. Why do you think that is it?

[00:13:51] I think it's, I was out for about a month or so, maybe two months. And I wasn't in school. And like all my other friends are in school and like my mom and dad, they were just getting on me. There was, there was pissed the fuck off that I got kicked out of school. I really, you can't even stay in high school. And then I wasn't doing my online classes either because they gave me classes that I could do. They're like, here, you can do these online so you can still get your credits. Um, and I wasn't doing them. So I was getting in trouble for that.

[00:14:21] And I just, I hated getting in trouble, like being quote unquote, the bad kid because that, that was my brother's rules. That was their job to do all that, you know, trouble and stuff. I never used to get in trouble. I was the quote unquote, perfect child, like always good helping everybody and stuff. And then I started getting in trouble. That definitely kicked it off. And this, so in your 26, this is like 12 years ago is 2014. When you're 14 and you start thinking about it, cause I'm really like some people will,

[00:14:50] I know not mostly the listeners are like, why do you care about the details? It's like, because I want to understand people who want to end their lives. And so it matters. So when I ask these questions, it's like you at 14, when you're thinking about it, are you planning? And you know, what are you thinking about? I'm going to go out into that field and find a tree and get a rope, or I'm going to go down to the store and steal a gun, whatever. You know, are you thinking about method? Are you thinking about timing?

[00:15:15] So when I was 14, it wasn't so much thinking about like methods or timing. About month, two months after I kicked out though, I knew many friends that had guns. And I told one of my friends at the high school that I was like, oh, I'm going to get a gun and I'm going to shoot myself. Then she went and told the principal and the principal called my family. And so my dad came running up to the room and he's like, why are you saying stuff like that? And I just tried to act like I didn't say that. Like that wasn't, what are you talking about?

[00:15:46] Because I didn't think she'd go run into the school and tell on me. Sure. Who's the, who's, is your dad black or white? He's white. So I'm adopted. So both my adoptive parents are white. But you just know your history. Yeah. Have you ever met your biological parents? I have not. Do you think that plays into this role or this conversation at all? Not really. My, or well, a little bit because my biological mom, she overdosed. My sister, she's like, no, she was murdered.

[00:16:13] Like, I mean, you don't know the biological stuff that you might've had that predisposition, mental health stuff, that. Yep. That's guessing unknown. But you were adopted and you have two siblings. So I have four siblings on my adoptive family. Biologically, I have, I think six, maybe seven siblings. Okay. So you were able to find out some basic information about that. Yeah. Your four siblings in the adopted family. Are you the only one who has any black in them?

[00:16:42] So my brother does as well. Cause we were in the, we had the same mom, different dad. And we got adopted. Oh, okay. So they adopted the two from the same family. Yep. Wow. Okay. Okay. Okay. So what happens after that event? When your friend tells the principal, your dad yells at you or says, what's going on? And you're still, you're still kicked out of school. You're still in your mind anyway. And I'm paraphrasing screwing up. Uh, so after that, I, I leave lost more privileges. Like I got my phone taken away.

[00:17:10] I wasn't allowed to go see anybody, talk to anybody like any friends wise. I was grounded, like to get, I was grounded from basically freshman year until the end of the year. So like until even through that summer, like I was, I couldn't go out there in the summer when everyone else was out having a good time. I was still grounded. But you're, so you're basically in your room. Yep. And you have a computer. Yeah. I want people to imagine. I know this might have nothing to do with you.

[00:17:38] The danger of what a 14 year old kid who's probably pissed off and knows how to use the internet pretty well, as opposed to going out and playing with friends. This is supposed to be a punishment, but we also want what's best for our children. And this isn't a knock on your parents at all. In any way, two questions. One, had you already started to have a little bit of a fashion buzz going on? Were you already started to like find the fashion things? Or when is that later? Uh, that was later. Like what do you spend your time doing in your room? I watched tons of YouTube videos.

[00:18:09] There was like podcasters that would do vlogs every day. Yeah. So I keep up with my vlogs. I got to watch my videos. Were you an angry kid? Yeah. During that time I was, I was pretty pissed off. On paper, you're the guy that goes to the school and shoots him up. Yep. Yep. Like you, you just described the kid who goes and shoots up a fucking school. Yep. Got to get my get back, you know, but. Never the thoughts. I was like, nope. It was more self-annihilation. Yep.

[00:18:37] So how do you get through that without doing major harm to yourself? I was already vaping at the time. So that's what I did most days is I would vape and I would watch YouTube and I would, I drink strawberry milk. So I'd be sitting in my room, drinking strawberry milk, watching my shows, vaping. And how old were you for your first attempt? I believe I was 15. Okay. So how do we get, so you're back at school. Cool. What goes on that leads you to that day?

[00:19:03] Um, so once I got back into school, they used to, uh, they'd search, I'd have to go to the office when I first got there in the morning and they'd search my bag every morning. And then I was on like a perimeter watch. So there was like a group of three, four people that sat in the office and watched the cameras and they'd watch, they'd follow me around the halls. And like, if I leave the classroom, there was only like certain drinking fountains I could go to because they were in my perimeter.

[00:19:29] So if I went outside of that, they would come either the principal or one of the camera people, they'd come up to me and be like, what are you doing outside of the perimeter? What are you doing? And so that was real stressful. Like that, I hate it. Cause I want to hang out with my friends in the morning when I first got there. Yeah. Did they do that for other kids or was it just you again? Just me. So it's definitely, it's definitely a race thing. I definitely thought that. And the principal is white and he, me and him always butt heads and people are like, well, because he's the one getting you in trouble.

[00:19:57] I was like, no, it's, it's definitely more than that. Like, I understand that's his job. And I've always been understanding of that. Like he's the, the disciplinary person, but there's like several other hundred kids in the school and some of them are being doing too. Yeah. Like I wasn't the only one doing dumb shit like that, but I was the only one getting super punished for basically everything I do. That's frustrating. It was. So at 15, what do you decide to do? How does that look? What happens that day?

[00:20:24] Before that, I was skipping school most days after. Once I got back, I only went like two, three weeks. And then I started skipping classes. When we skipped class, we'd always stay in the school, me and my friend. And we skipped most classes of the day, but we go to like one or two classes. But the rest of the day, we'd literally just walk around the halls talking, find some place to sit, hide. So we weren't on camera. Once the second semester of sophomore year rolled around, we found somebody that was older. He was a junior or a senior and he had a car.

[00:20:54] And so that's how we leave school. So we started leaving with him every day because he would skip class too. So we go out. We just smoke weed all day, cause trouble. Usually it's just stealing little petty things like candies and stuff from gas stations, drinks from gas stations. And so then I started getting in trouble for my parents for that because they knew that we weren't going to school. They knew that we were leaving school, that we were smoking weed all day. They were real serious about that.

[00:21:22] You can't be doing that shit, getting pissed as fuck, yelling at me for it. And that started to take an impact on me again. And I was like, man, I'm getting in trouble again. I'm fucking up again. And so at that point I was, I was trying to get out of that. I was like, well, if I do end up taking my life, I'm no longer getting in trouble. They don't have a hard child that they have to be harping on. They're not getting on me and shit. And this is going to sound judgmental, but I promise you it's not. There's no part of that's like, oh, I'm just going to go to school and be like most of the other kids.

[00:21:49] And I'm going to go to class and I'll be a little bored and fuck it. Like, let me just be like them. Like that was already not an option in your head. No, it wasn't. Like, and I was, I was really nervous coming back to the school for my sophomore year. Just because like all the rumors that were flying around the school, everybody knew what happened. And then they spun, they put their little twist to it. Like, oh, he pulled it out and he, he jumped on the table and tried to get somebody or something like that. Like one of the funniest ones was somebody told me like, yeah, right now that's going around

[00:22:19] the schools that you pulled out a gun and threatened someone. Oh, that's crazy. And then let's remember social media, man. And people believe it. Cause they're like, oh, well, you know, he was all media, social media. That's like 2015 social media is a lot of different ages. Listen to this podcast. And some people are like not understanding how that spreads much, probably much more quickly than it did when I was in high school or you were in high school, if you're in the high school in like the eighties or the nineties.

[00:22:45] Also, we don't have to think about cameras in a building, but we don't have cameras. Maybe, maybe one. I don't know. Like you guys, it's common now for better or worse. Yeah. It was very common. They had cameras all over every hallway. Yeah. They didn't have it in the classroom. So like they'd watch the classroom I was supposed to be in until I came out. And then once I came out, they'd follow me on the camera. I was like, oh, he's in this hallway now. How do you plan this first suicide attempt? What happens?

[00:23:10] So I went to school and then right when I got to school, I got dropped off by the bus. And then I just, I started walking down a road that's right in front of the high school. And I had a guy that I get weed from. He lived down that road and the school knew that. I walked down that road and then a cop, the school cop, actually, he had seen me drive or walking down that road. And so he stopped me.

[00:23:34] I was about halfway between where the weed guy lived and the bridge that I was heading to. And there was a river. It was kind of high, but if I were to jump or anything, I would have hit rocks. I would have been fine. I would have had to go to the hospital, but I would have been fine. So I just sat down there as the cop was rolling by. I was like, hopefully he just keeps going. And then he turns on his lights and turns back around, comes and talks to me. He's like, where are you going? I was like, oh, I'm just, you know, I'm skipping class. I'm just heading up the road. And he kind of assumed where I was going. Oh, you going to this place?

[00:24:03] I was like, no, I don't go there. He said, well, you're not thinking about doing anything, are you? I was like, no, I'm just, I'm not going to school today. Like, and so he's like, all right. And he turned off his lights and he left. And he went to go tell the school that I was skipping. But right after he left, I just continued to walk down. I was heading towards a bridge over the highway. And that's where I was planning on jumping. So jumping, meaning the bridge was high or jumping, meaning a car is going to hit you? It wasn't super high. It was more the cars would hit me. That's a rough way to go, bro. Yeah, it is.

[00:24:32] I mean, let's just say what it is. That's it definitely is. And I was thinking, oh, I need to get hit by a big rig versus a little car. And I can just tell, like, I don't even have to ask you. I know you didn't jump because if you did, you don't look the way you look. No, no. You don't look like you were hit by anything. So unless you had a miraculous recovery, this little part of the story doesn't end with you jumping off that bridge. Nope. So I made it to the bridge.

[00:24:58] But by the time I got to the bridge and I sat, I just sat on a bridge with my feet over the edge where the traffic was. I was just sitting there. And two cops had rolled up after that. It was a school cop and another just county cop. And I could see the traffic started to slow down. Like, there wasn't as much traffic. I was like, huh. And then they pulled up. And I was like, well, they probably slowed traffic. And then an ambulance pulled up and stuff. I had seen a fire truck farther down the highway. He was holding up, like, two lanes.

[00:25:27] So there was still one active lane. The fire crew, it looked like they were getting ready to put out the big old jumper balloon to catch people and stuff. Yeah. But no, I just sat there. And I talked to the cops for probably an hour, hour and a half. And they were, well, what are you about to be doing? I was like, I'm just chilling. I'm taking a break. I'm resting. I was telling them. I was like, well, I was actually going to pick up weed. And he lives right over the bridge. I was like, I didn't make it there. I'm just chilling here.

[00:25:56] And so, like, they couldn't say for sure, like, I was going to jump. Like, yeah, this is a jump or it's a suicide attempt. They knew what could happen, what the potential was. And they very much thought what the outcome could be. I kept telling them. I was like, no, I'm just resting here. I'm just tired. You know, I'm exhausted. That's why I'm sitting here. So, like, I didn't tell them, like, that's what my plan was. And so after that incident of an hour, hour and a half, they're like, all right, well, do you want us to take you back to school? Or do you want to go home?

[00:26:24] I was like, I just want to go back to school because if I go home, then I'm getting in trouble. Is that an attempt? I'd say that would have been an attempt because it could have gone differently if I wasn't stopped. Yeah. How do you think it ends if no cops come by? I think I probably would have. That was the plan. How were you feeling? Like, are you calm? Are you scared? Do you remember? I was definitely scared, nervous, because I was really young. 14, I was like, damn, this is a big thing to do. You understood that you would, I mean, at 14, you know death is death.

[00:26:54] Yeah. Not five years old. It's, you know what it is. And you wanted it. Sounds like you wanted to be not around. Right. That's correct. Do you get through high school? So after sophomore year, when I went back to the school, I was still skipping class every day. I skipped almost the whole year. Towards the end of the year, I was getting suspended and stuff for skipping class. But so they would suspend me or give me lunch detentions. And if they gave me a lunch detention, I would just skip that.

[00:27:23] And then if I was suspended, they'd try to do in-school suspension. All right. Because clearly he doesn't want to be here. So a suspension does nothing. So we're going to bring him here. But I would skip those. I wouldn't go there in-school suspension. I just stopped going to school. Probably the last month or two of school where I just told my mom, I was like, listen, I'm not, I'm, I'm dropping out. I'm not even going to try to go to school. I'm not going to pretend I'm going to school. Like, you know, I'm not, I haven't been going to school for all year. So I was like, I'm done.

[00:27:49] Cause I'd have to wake up every morning, catch the bus to school and then get a ride from a friend to leave school. Then I'd get, we get a ride either from my friend back to my house or I get a ride back to school at the end of the day to catch the bus, to go back home and pretend like I was at school all day. That's because it sounds hard. Actually, it was a lot of hard work. Right. Like as somebody who was like kind of very much not that way, like it just sounds hard. I was just going to classes.

[00:28:17] It was just made it easy, but I didn't have your life and I'm not you. And it was a very different thing. I know from your mid to late teens to today, you've got several more attempts or close near attempts, we can call them. And I know that we ended up meeting at some point in October, 2025. So how do we get from the conversation? I'm putting you on this hard. I know the conversation you have with your mother saying, I'm not going back to you entering

[00:28:42] the backyard of an animal sanctuary in Chem, Texas, looking fly. When I told my mom I was dropping out and I was done with school, she had already started getting sick at that time. She got cancer. And so she started getting sick when I first got kicked out of school. Kind of fine. It wasn't she wasn't bad. Like she wasn't someone too bad assigned. But the doctor's like, hey, you need to keep coming back and doing checkups. But when I told her that I was dropping out, that's when she really started to get sick was around that time.

[00:29:12] She she passed of cancer. So that was that was really tough. And that was when I was 16. Not still 15. That must have been really tough. Are your brothers out of the house by then? Nope. So they all stayed at home. My sister, my oldest sister, she was already living her life. She's she's like 52, 51. She's been out of the house since she was 20, 30. Right, right. So there's still a couple of kids in the house and just the dad, just your dad who lost to cancer. Yes.

[00:29:42] All right. So what happens? We are close for like a couple months. And then me and my dad, we'd never been like super close. But during that time, we were close. But after that, like he was he was upset about me, about school and stuff. And so I had started before my mom had passed. She convinced me to start the alternative high school. It was a school of like 15, 20 kids. And it was all the bad kids that were at the high school that were skipping class, smoking weed and stuff.

[00:30:12] We were all in the same room. I don't know how that's going to be for the teacher. So I'm sure that was a tough experience for the teacher because a lot of us, we still smoke weed and sold drugs out of the school. There was police involvement there. They'd search the school and stuff. I didn't really skip class there. I was there every day. That's fairly easy. Everything was online. So that I did all the classes.

[00:30:37] There was classes where you could just take a test, a summary test. And if you pass the summary test, you didn't have to actually take that course. And when I first got to that school, I went in my junior year with one and a half credits, which is only three classes completed in three years. And so I had a lot of courses and classes that I had to do because I think you have to have 24 credits to graduate. And so they were just trying to have me pass through courses as fast as possible. So they're like, here's the summary.

[00:31:06] If you pass it, we'll give you the credit. And that was easy because we're all, there's a big group of us. We'd cheat, give each other the answers. We'd even look it up. I'd pass over my laptop, like, here, take this test for me. So I made it through multiple classes like that. And then my aunt, she stepped in to help me do math, science, and English because those were her strong suit subjects. She was good at those. And she knew that I wasn't doing the other classes. She's like, you're, you guys are cheating. She was upset with that.

[00:31:36] But she's like, listen, if I get you through these classes, these are the main ones you need to learn. And so she talked to the school and they were willing to have her help me as like a tutor sort of. So I'd go to, I'd stay with her for about four days. I'd go to her house during the school day. And then I'd only have to go up to the school once or twice a week. That made it even easier for me to want to finish school because I just, I didn't want to be in the school environment, be around the other kids and stuff that just, cause I started wanting to skip class there more too.

[00:32:05] While this is happening, and this probably takes a couple of years. I actually, I finished all of high school in one year. Are you in that space of that one year that you were just describing? I mean, are you ideating at all? Yes. I'm still ideating a little bit, but it's making it harder because I'm living with my aunt. She's around me the whole day. I'm not able, I was able to see my friends, but it wouldn't be till after we finished school. I couldn't be texting them throughout the day and stuff. And like, normally I just skip class to go see my friends.

[00:32:34] I'd see them in the evenings and we'd just go out and smoke weed, go hang out at the lake. But I was still ideating. It wasn't super heavily. It would be more like when I would get back to the, after hanging out with my friends and I'd be sitting alone for two, three hours before I went to bed. That's when it's like, oh shit, the thoughts are getting dark again right now. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And you're not getting any help for your mental health help. No. So I was seeing a counselor before my first attempt on the bridge. Right.

[00:33:02] Um, and I spent that day when I went back to the school, I was in his office all day and I was kind of just spilling it out to him. Like, this is what happened. This is what I was going to do. This was going on. And right after that, he went and told the principals, both of them, the assistant and the actual principal. And so after that, that was like the last day I talked to him. I was like, oh, well, I can't tell you anything. All right. So do you get, do you get, what is it like a GED? Uh, so I was still able to get my diploma. Okay. Right.

[00:33:30] Because I guess the alternative, they changed it at the alternative high school. If you get 18 credits, you can still get your diploma. So you, you get it. You're in Michigan. Your mom's gone. You're not getting along with your dad. You're not, see, you're not getting any help. Are we heading, so are we heading to another, I know we're heading to another attempt or near attempt. I know this not because I'm a mind reader or, uh, read a crystal ball. You told me you have a good number of attempts or near attempts and you'll, you know, whatever that means for you.

[00:34:00] So what's the next one? How old were you about? Um, so it was mainly heavy ideation from after that attempt till about, uh, 17 or so. And I just, I knew like, cause of the people I was around, a lot of the people, like my friends and stuff, they would, they knew that where my mind space was. And so they would just stay with me. Like if I'm with him, he's in a good mood, he's having a good time and he's not in his head.

[00:34:24] So sometimes like I've, I'd have friends come over at midnight and they'd stay till 4am with the later in the night. Like that's when he's in his mind more. So they're like, well, if we're just hanging out, laughing, having a good time, he's not in a bad mind space. Right. So that was a big helpful thing. Um, I definitely, I tried to always be around people just surrounding myself. So that way I wasn't in my own head, but it was still ideating when I wasn't with them and they knew that.

[00:34:51] So I'd be alone for two hours, three hours or whatever by myself. And I'm just thinking about it. Do you think the weed helped or hurt more ultimately? For a period it helped for sure because that's how I built my friend group. That's how I socialize. That's like, I knew a lot of people and I only knew them through weed, selling them weed, selling them other stuff. It's like, that's the only way I knew them and socialize with them. You got a company? Yeah. I have a friend here. Oh, what's up friend? His best friend. Wait a second. You've been listening to this whole time?

[00:35:19] No, I gave you your privacy and then I'll listen. No, no. I mean, no, it's cool. I just, it's rare that somebody is comfortable enough to have somebody else in the room. I've done this for like 300 and, well, Austin knows. He's listened to most of them. Is this weird, Austin? This is weird. I've never done this before. Well, weird. Oh, no, no, no. It's good. How long have you known each other? Five years. And so there's no way you know Austin and you're here and he's talking to me without you knowing that he's tried to end his life.

[00:35:47] It was kind of, kind of like newish news. Did I just fuck it up? No. Yeah. I told her last night. Because I always ask people, like, what do your friends say? What did your parents say when you tell them? Because most people freak out, right? Right. So how did you handle that? I am quite a stoic, understanding person because I have felt that before where I can understand why I'd want to check out of life as well. Yeah. And yeah, empathy. Patience and empathy.

[00:36:16] And now you're here just hanging out while he talks to me. And I'll even have to admit, when I went to the bathroom, I heard one thing and I'm like, he didn't mention this to me. I do know this. And then I'm like, I'm going to continue on. But I did not listen. No, I mean, it's, I don't care. To me, you can do whatever you want. It's Austin gets to decide who he wants around hearing him talk about this stuff. I mean, I don't have to tell you. Did you know that he went to this event in person and met me? Yes.

[00:36:45] It was so cool with 50 dogs. Yeah. It was food. There were animals. There were people. Brilliant. And that order of importance was what I just said. There was food. There were animals. There were people. I love it. And the whole thing was crazy. Well, I mean, if you want to join us at any point later, that's cool. Because we're going to be on for probably at least another 30 minutes, I think. Because Austin's got a lot to say, I think. I'll excuse myself. Yeah. Thank you. It was nice talking to you. This is a first for me.

[00:37:15] Girlfriend? No, we are friends. We met in Mexico five years ago. Where in Mexico? Cancun. You're in Tulum area. Okay. Because do you know that I live in Mexico City? Oh, she was in Mexico City when I first got there. She had just gotten over to Tulum a couple of days after I got to Tulum. And now you just happen to both be in Louisville, Texas? Yeah. So she lives in Canada. And then I flew her down here to come visit me before I go to California. Because I hadn't seen her since Mexico.

[00:37:46] God damn. This is a good friendship. That's awesome that you guys get to hang out again. Yes. I was excited. I was like, man. She's like, I don't know if it'll be enough time. I was like, well, you're going to come down and see me before I go off to California. We left off with 17 years old. We're getting... I want to know between 17 years old... I have a few questions about this. 17 years old to 26 years old in the backyard of an animal sanctuary. How many attempts and or near attempts do you have? I know you wrote some of the stuff down.

[00:38:16] Four or five. How many ages? If you know them, because it seems like you've given it some thought and you put it on paper. So 17, I was really struggling that year because one of my biological brothers, he had overdosed as well. So that was hard. And then the music artist, I was listening to Lil Peep a lot at the time. He had overdosed. So that was another hard... I was like, damn. The person that's getting me through this, now he's gone too.

[00:38:43] So I was ideating all of that year after my brother had passed for sure. At 18, I was still struggling. But I wasn't struggling as much with my head. And I think... Because before that, I was trying the drugs. I was doing a lot of weed from like 15, 16 to 17. Once I hit 18, it was just smoking weed. And I feel like that helped versus... Because I was trying a bunch of different drugs. I was like, anything to have a good time. Anything to get out of my head.

[00:39:14] Right. Sure, sure, sure. 19, I was with a girl at the time. And it was a very toxic relationship. We was arguing all the time, every day. So when we'd be arguing, I'd get into my head again. And I'd start to ideate just to get out of that, basically. But once I turned... Let's see, it would have been 21. That's when I went to Mexico.

[00:39:40] But before I went to Mexico, after me and my ex had broken up, we were together for four years. And I'd just turned 21. It was the beginning of the year. It was like January, February, March, Eric. And I wasn't really eating any food. I wasn't going out nowhere. The only place I'd go was to go get weed. It's like, literally, I'd see him every couple days. He'd be like, oh, you're back again? It's like, yep, let me get some more. And then I'd go back to my house and be by myself.

[00:40:08] And I was for about three, four months. I was in my place, barely eating. It was a rough period for eating-wise. Because I ended up going to the hospital because I couldn't eat anything. I'd eat one thing, take a bite, and then I'd throw up. Maybe it's anxiety? Anxiety-related? Yeah, big anxiety on that. I think that was mainly anxiety and depression. I was just not eating. It happened to me, actually.

[00:40:35] It's interesting that you say that because I've had a few relationships. And when they were over, I couldn't eat, man. Yeah. It'd be really bad. I would lose weight, and I would see myself losing weight. And I just would try to eat. And I was like, I'll try some shakes and keep that down. But yeah, that's rough. So you're dating her for a few years. It's not a great relationship. I mean, probably started off good. Yeah.

[00:40:59] So 17, 18, 19, 20, 20, 21, for a good portion of that time, you were involved with her. But there's a couple of several near attempts. Yeah. Through 17 to 21, I was still ideating while I was with her. It wasn't as bad as it was the two, three years before I met her. I see. And so when I was with her, I was feeling a little better. And if I was feeling sad or low or something, I'd just be around her. And that was me having people around me.

[00:41:29] So you never got as close as you did when you were 14 or 15 on the bridge? That was the closest. So for all those years after, it's like, it doesn't go away, but you don't have a knife to your neck or you're not dangling from a bridge. Right. Or thinking about getting a gun from a friend. Right. That was until 21. I was just on the edge of ideating, but not like, oh, it's about to happen. And Mexico was just for fun?

[00:41:54] So I went to Mexico because I was living in my car at the time. So after we had broke up, I had lost the trailer I was living in because I had no money. I was going to ask you, and I don't know how open you want to be about this. How do you make enough money to eat food? I really didn't make enough money when I was living in the trailer by myself for those three, four months. So I only had enough to go buy weed, and then I was out of money. I don't think I was working at the time.

[00:42:20] I was going off of savings from after my birthday until I was in the hospital for not eating. So I had to be on liquids and stuff when I first got there. And then once I was able to eat, they were like, all right, we're ready to discharge you, but you're breathing. Because I got asthma from smoking so much, from vaping. And so they're like, well, your breathing level, we can't discharge you on that. And I was like, oh, it's fine. It's fine.

[00:42:49] I'd rather be there because they were feeding me every day. And also I was ideating heavily. And so I was like, I don't want to leave and go out. I might do something. And so I just kept saying, oh, it's fine. And I wasn't super trying to get my breathing better. So I was there for about three weeks, maybe four weeks. It's almost a month. And then right when I got out, I got a dog. That's going to keep me alive. That's going to keep me going. Where were you living when you got out?

[00:43:17] So when I got out, I went back to that trailer because I hadn't lost the trailer yet. But I think like a month or two after I got out of the hospital, I lost that trailer. And so I moved into my car. All right. So quasi homeless. Yeah. So I lived in that with my dog for a few months. But my license was suspended. My insurance was suspended. And so I was fighting court stuff with that. That's why I had to go to Mexico because they're like, you can't be driving your car around.

[00:43:45] And so I was like, all right, when's my suspension up? Like two months. I was like, all right, I'm going to Mexico. So I flew down to Mexico with a one-way ticket. Oh. Stay down there. And my dad, he's like, oh, because I left my dog with my dad. And he's like, so are you going to come back and get your dog? I said, yeah, I'll be back. Don't worry. But where's the money coming from? Tell me. Where's the money coming from? You got to get to Mexico. It might be cheaper, but shit still costs money. So it was a lot cheaper.

[00:44:14] I think before I went to Mexico, I was working a job. I was working in a kitchen. So I worked there for a couple months. Totally. I worked at Panera Bread for like five years, but it was just on and off. I was going to ask you, like in the teenage years when some kids are going off to college, like you were just working jobs and getting by. Yeah. Always in kitchens. So I worked for a little bit, get my money, get put in a savings. And then that's how I was able to stay just afloat. Yeah. Stay alive. Yeah. Stay alive for a little.

[00:44:44] All right. So I know in Mexico, you meet somebody who's actually in your house now. Yes. Which is fantastic. You come back from Mexico just for the sake of time. Get me to camp. We'll do the last year because those were big attempts. Yeah. So I was in Michigan and then I went to Florida after that, still living in my car with my dog. And then I moved in with my sister after about two months of living in Florida. I moved up to Texas because that's where my sister stays.

[00:45:14] Anyways, I got another job. Just I was working for UPS, just delivering packages. Stayed there for about two, three months. And I moved back up to Michigan and I moved in with my brother. I only stayed with him for about a month, but I bought a motorcycle. And I knew when I bought the motorcycle, everyone was like, oh, you're going to get that. You don't know how to drive it. You're going to kill yourself. And I was like, oh, well, you know, that's not the end of it. Maybe I get that bike then. Right.

[00:45:42] So I rode that for a while and I was perfectly fine. I was like, well, damn, that didn't work. Did you go out of your way to be fast and wild on that? Absolutely. I had the helmet. And so that was the only protective gear I had, though. But I was like, if I'm going fast enough, the helmet's not going to do anything. Nah. But as we know, it can be hard to kill yourself. Yeah. So that didn't happen. And then I sold the bike and I moved down to Texas.

[00:46:10] And it would have been last year, January through March again. I didn't have a job. Actually, starting in December before Christmas, I lost my job. And I just couldn't find a job. I was applying everywhere. I had applied to probably 100 jobs and I couldn't find one. Like nobody hired me. I was like, what? So that was a really tough time. On top of it, I was with another girl at the time. We were together maybe five months or something and we just broke up. Tough. And also winter's not good for you, it sounds like. No.

[00:46:39] The winter months from September to January usually are really rough. Right. So this is good. It's January 30th right now. Yeah. And your friend is there and you have a very clear goal. And you're leaving to the military soon. Yes. When I got out of boot camp, I was like, I feel I'm in a better place because for the two months I was there, I didn't ideate. Yeah. Basically the whole time there was no ideation. I wasn't close. And I was like, wow, that's kind of freaky. What do you attribute that to?

[00:47:08] Just, yeah, I have an idea, but I don't want to put words in your mouth. What is it? Because I think it matters a lot and it speaks to a lot of people. While I was there, I wasn't able to be alone by myself at all. So I had people around me every day, all day. And it was the amount of stress. I had other things to stress about. Yes. That just wasn't any of my worries. I just got to get through this shit. So, but before then, and before we met in Kemp, 2025 was rough.

[00:47:36] And you said, did you, I think you had multiple near attempts in 2025, right? Yes. I had three close attempts. What was the first one? The first one, I used to go to a park every day when I didn't have my job because I didn't tell my sister I didn't have a job. So I was pretending I was going to work. I go sit in the park for hours. And in Texas, it's a gun state and I have a few firearms. And so I would carry every day.

[00:48:01] And that day, the night before I sat in the park late as hell, it was like 10, 11 o'clock. And so I'd taken all of the bullets out of the magazine, out of the chamber. And then I did some practice runs. So I put that in my mouth, under my chin and pulled the trigger. Yeah. I did that, but I knew the gun was empty, but it was kind of like getting a feel for it. You know? And then the next morning I went back to the same park and I did the same thing.

[00:48:29] And that day I had, I was actually starting my first day at the job in Texas. So I finally got a job after three, four months of not having a job. Um, and so on my first day when I went in, I, I could taste gunpowder and I could taste gun oil in my mouth all through the whole shift. That's probably where the movie starts. Yes. I was. It's a good starting point for me. If I'm directing your movie, that might be a good spot, but okay.

[00:48:55] One of the things we know, and I know always obviously is like, you didn't, um, I don't know that you didn't try, but if you had tried actually to put a bullet, you would have told me already. That's the closest you came, which is close. Yes. That's the closest I've came and always. I've never been like, I've, I've owned guns for probably two, probably three or four years now. And so I was always like, once I get the guns, are you not going to do that shit? You're not going to do it. But that was the first time where that thought came into my mind is like, that would be the easiest, quickest route.

[00:49:24] And, uh, and the two, the two near ones after also gun. Yes. The second attempt, I would say I'd gotten off of work late that night, around 10, 11, maybe even midnight. Cause I was working late hours, but I ended up going to, uh, the same park that the first attempt was. And I had a firearm with me and I had a lock box under my seat cause it was in my car always. Uh, again, I would daily carry.

[00:49:55] So I had taken that gun out, but I didn't unload it how I had the first time I chose not to empty the chamber. I chose not to empty the magazine. I knew in fact that it was fully loaded. And I had that in my hand, in my lap. I don't remember if I ended up pressing it on my head or my mouth or anything, but I definitely was in that dark mind space where I knew, I knew what I wanted to do with it.

[00:50:25] But I just sat there contemplating for hours, thinking of who I could reach out to, who I could talk to, but I just didn't, I didn't have anybody that I could talk to about in that space. And that moment, especially since it was a late hour, um, I was in a different time zone. So the people that I knew, or even as one, two in the morning. So it was definitely people that already sleep during the week, but I'd have it in my hand

[00:50:53] for an hour, hour and a half. And then I'd put it back in the lock box, leave it there for five, 10 minutes. And then I would take it back out and kind of repeat the cycle. So I, uh, went up to a liquor store right down the road. I bought a few alcoholic beverages and I started consuming those, trying to kind of like get out of that space, dilute it. But I was still very much in that space.

[00:51:21] So I went back to my car and I'm still picking it up, holding it, looking at it, contemplating, uh, putting it back in the case. I did that from, we'll say midnight to about four or 5 AM. Uh, and then I went back home because I had to work at 6 AM. Uh, so I changed real fast, took a shower. And then I just went back into work the next morning. Like nothing happened.

[00:51:48] One of my coworkers, she worked same shift in the morning. And so, you know, we talked for 20, 30 minutes, just about normal life. Like as if nothing happened last night, as if I wasn't sitting in my car all night, went into work off, no sleep. That would have been my second really close attempt. And then the third attempt, um, it was in the same manner exactly a month after that. So the second one was September 9th, 2025.

[00:52:18] And then this third one was October 9th, 2025. I was in that same mind space. I again, went and got some more alcoholic beverages. I'd gotten off of work around the same time. Uh, the only difference was, is I did not have a firearm on me. Uh, I left it at the house that day, but I was parked five, 10 minutes away from the house

[00:52:45] and contemplation, whether I drive the five minutes, go grab it, go back out. That one, I'd say only lasted two, three hours that moment. So it wasn't as bad or as close as it could have been, but I was still within the means of making that happen, taking my own life that night. I, I believe I did get on the phone with my brother that night, uh, and speak with him for a few hours.

[00:53:13] I again, didn't tell him like the mind state I was in, but we just talked, uh, about whatever. And then I made it back home, say three, 4 AM and went back into work at six in the morning and pretended like, you know, life was flowing. Life was good, but very much it was a dark space for me. Multiple nights. I think it was the 14th. So the week, the week that we met after we had started communicating a little, a little

[00:53:40] bit via Instagram, you had a, you had a gun, a gun experience, I guess, similar gun thing. Yes. All right. And you still showed up. Now you said there were times where you wanted to reach out to me before, before the tour even existed to talk and stigma got in the way. And what you said something else and you said it was, it was maybe stigma, maybe ego. What is that? I, when I first started hearing your podcast, I was like, oh, I'm going to reach out. I'm going to do it. But then I was like, I don't know if that's for me.

[00:54:08] I don't know if mine classify as what everyone else I've already heard. Okay. I've heard enough where people are talking about close attempts and stuff and situations that put them in that space. And I was like, all right, I think this might fit me. This still, this might be a category for me. Yeah. And was it weird for you? Because it was new for me, not totally new by the time I got to Texas to then come to it. It's outside. It's in person.

[00:54:37] Everyone's a stranger and you're talking about it. Now you might've recognized, this is what's really interesting. By that point, you had probably heard Carla and David's podcast episode. Yes. Whether you remembered the details or not, but because they're in Texas too, you probably. I did listen to a lot of the Texas ones. Right. There was S from Texas or S in Texas. Yes. I probably listened to hers 50 to a hundred times. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:55:05] I remember that was a really, really good conversation. S, if you're listening out there, hello. And you had David there and you had Carla there and then you're sitting at the edge and you're joining us and obviously a far less time than we did like today, but you're contributing and you're talking. Was that weird? It was, it was really weird. It was really nerve wracking. Like the whole way I was like, man, am I going to say anything? I'm going to just keep to myself. Like, cause there's going to be a bunch of strangers. And then I get there and there's a bunch of strangers more.

[00:55:34] And I was like, all right, no, it's not as bad. There's not as many as I expected. I did not as many as I wanted either, but that's just the way it goes in terms of audience. It's really hard to get people to go to stuff, especially stuff like this. And you told me you've heard a lot of the episodes. So during all of this time that you've shared, the podcast starts in 2020. You went to Mexico around that time, maybe a little bit after. That's 2021. 2021. When did you find the podcast? Um, so I found the podcast, I believe it was 2022.

[00:56:04] Yup. I was listening to it. I was doing a DoorDash and Grubhub deliveries. Uh-huh. I'll be listening to it basically all day from when I started working to the end of the day. It's like eight to 10 hours a day. I'd listen to your podcast. Yeah. I was really, I just. I almost feel uncomfortable that you had to hear my voice so much. When I first started though, it was always, I was listening to all the girls podcasts. Cause I was like, oh, I'd rather hear a girl in my ear versus a guy. Totally. A hundred percent.

[00:56:32] But then I ran out of all the girls episodes. So I was listening to the guys. I was like, oh shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There are more women than men as guests. That's just how it turns out. And you're okay with being now one of the people that other people are going to hear just like you hear them. Yes. I think so. I think I'm going to have to listen to it again and hear what I say, but I'm in that space now where I will, I won't say, yeah, I'm out of it. I'm all better. I'm healed. No, but I think I'm in a good mind space. Right now.

[00:57:01] Like I feel much more free. Cause it was, it lives much closer every day. Like I would be ideating most days throughout the day. Like there was a time where it was, I started counting. Cause it was so much. It was at least 15 times a day on average. October isn't that long ago, but you had this, this big decision and then basic training. But okay. Wow. Basic training, hanging out with your friend, talking to me. Today, January 30th.

[00:57:31] January 30th. I'm going to give you a pill. It is pink and purple. If you take it, you go to sleep. You don't wake up. There's no pain and nobody knows it's a suicide. If you want that clause in there. What do you do with it today, Austin? So my immediate thought was don't even take that. Get rid of it. I don't want it. I think it would be tempting. As of right now, no, I don't want to die. I want to get, get my life going and see all the future that I can. So do you save it or do you throw it out?

[00:58:00] Cause I ain't giving you a second, second pill. And, and since with that, you're not giving me a second pill. I mean, that changes the nature of the question. So I think, I think, no, I think you get one shot at this. Cause this is what we happen to be talking. So I think I would, I'd take it from you. I'd put it somewhere where I could lose it. Where if it was really gone, I'd have to look quite hard to find it. Okay. I would keep it and save it. Do you think anything you've said is at all influenced by not being completely alone?

[00:58:29] Uh, no, she was in the other room. The whole time until she came out. Dude, I think it would affect me a little bit. Like not as the host. I mean, as like somebody sharing with somebody and like inevitably I can share more to strangers or people I don't know as well. Um, like I've gotten to know her quite well, but we've only been messaging on Instagram since we were in Mexico. Like this is the second time I've seen her in person other than Mexico. Wow. So she's still a little bit of a stranger. It's able to share freely.

[00:58:59] She trusts you, man, to come and stay with you. Yeah, definitely. But like I was going to do the podcast at my house where my sister and her daughter live. And I was like, no, that would make me uncomfortable. I'd be whispering. They might hear me through the walls. Right, right, right. Where is she right now? Uh, so right now I'm at the Airbnb that my friend is staying at. Um, and my sister is at the house that I stay at. Well, where is your friend right now? Is she in the room? No, she's in the other room. She's talking with another guest on the Airbnb. She can't hear me right now?

[00:59:29] No. How many people know we're talking? One currently and another person. I had told him I might be on the podcast and she's like, I don't know about that due to your job. Like, yeah, I will. I will take that into consideration for sure. The one person that I know that we just talked about. Yeah. Who's there with you. Yeah. One maybe. And are you all worried that this comes out and it affects your military career? A little bit. Yeah, a little bit for sure. Have you ever been in a psych unit or a mental health hospital?

[00:59:58] I know you were there for your eating stuff. No, I have not. Did you ever write a suicide note? The first attempt I did, but after that I was like, I'm not writing anymore. And I haven't. Hard to write a note, I think. It was. It was really hard to write a note. And then after that, I'd just send somebody a nice message before I was really thinking about it. That was about it. I'd send them a little text like, hey, thank you to you. Hope your day is doing real well. There I am about to go take my life.

[01:00:25] Other than people who will hear this at some point in the future, post-editing, how many people in the world know the stuff that you just told me? Like, let's say at least 80% of it. Maybe two or three other people. A couple were friends, but we're not friends anymore. But they knew I was in a dark space and I would talk to them about it. My brother, so family, he knows that I struggle with it and he struggles with it as well. That's how we related. Is this the biological one? Yep. The biological one.

[01:00:54] The one I had talked about when we met. Oh, you talked about it when you met. And there could be some genetic stuff going on too, obviously. Uh-huh. Right. How many people do you have in the world where you can talk to about your darkest shit, even if it happens today or tomorrow, and feel okay about that conversation and feel like that was a good talk? As of right now or before today, it was zero, but it might be one now. Ooh. But you're talking about her? Yep. Her. Yeah.

[01:01:21] This is interesting to like, because you really are sharing a lot. Like, that'll change the relationship. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. But before that, like, she probably didn't even know that I struggled with depression. Like... Oh, it didn't even come up in Mexico? Nope. I don't. I think I dusted it off. I was like, I'm here to have a good time. Like, and I told her about the breakup while I was in Mexico, but I didn't tell her what it put me into a spiral about. Wow. You're a bold dude, man. All right. I appreciate it.

[01:01:49] Well, and also, like, you don't talk about it much. So, the fact, again, that you showed up in Texas and that you're talking to me says a lot. I appreciate it, man. Yes, absolutely. Did you? I only have a few more questions, and then we're good, and then you can add anything else you want, of course. Over the years, I know you saw at least one counselor. Have you seen anyone else? Psychiatrist, psychologist? I've seen, I believe, two or three therapists, and I'd only see them for a couple days, and I'd get a bad vibe, and I'd never go back.

[01:02:16] No diagnoses that you think is viable, real, accurate. How would you self-diagnose? Depression, anxiety, PTSD. I wouldn't say so much now, but I did see a doctor, and they told me I had BPD, but I think that was a situation I was going through at that time. But I haven't been in a close relationship with anybody since that one I was in for four years, and that's when it was really acting up. I was really going through shit that.

[01:02:44] Single, shaved, and ready for service. Absolutely. Not a memoir title, but could be worse. I kind of rushed myself there for a second. Even though you got bad vibes with a handful of those therapists, did any of them agree and say, yeah, you got depression, or you've got something? Yeah. They all for sure said it's complicated depression, severe depression. It was never, oh, it's minor. It's a little. They're like, bam.

[01:03:11] And I'd be telling them things, and I'm good at reading people's body language and processing, and it's like, oh, I just scared you off. And it's like, okay. So that would be usually the last time I'd see them, if I seen some body language or something I didn't like. And they'd be like, oh, I haven't seen you a while. What happened? I was like, I don't know. I'm just, I'm good. I'm all better. So I tell them I'm fine. I'm healed now. Everything's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So now that things are the way they're going, do you ever wish any of those near attempts

[01:03:41] had worked? I'm only asking you at Friday, January 30th at 1.28 p.m. I know it could change if I asked you tomorrow or yesterday. All we got is right now. Do you ever wish any of those near attempts had turned out that you died? Right now, no. Right now, no. I'm happy to be living. I'm ready to get on with my life. I've already began to build, and it's flowing. It's going. Isn't it kind of wild? Yes, it definitely is, because those are words I would have never thought many years

[01:04:11] ago, even last year especially. And was it similar in October, or were you kind of in the throes of it? Because I know you were still doing stuff for the military, but it was pre-basic training. So when we happened to Cross Paths then. In October, I was still going through it. It was deep. I was thinking of it every day. But the attempt in October, it would have been, I was in that mind state, but I didn't have a firearm on me that day. All right. So what if I slipped the pink and purple pill into your pocket at the animal sanctuary?

[01:04:41] There's a high chance, very high chance that it could have been taken. Yeah. And now here we are, man. In October, I was seeing you, and then I didn't go in for about a month, because I left November, middle of November, I left for boot camp. Damn. Well, I was still heavily in that space before I left. Like, October 9th was that day that I almost took my life, and I was like, damn, I'm so close to going to boot camp. I think you left that part out during the conversation, that week you had tried. Yes.

[01:05:11] I get it. I get it. You're not going to... Well, number one, again, we didn't have nearly as much time together. But two, like, yeah. I mean, that would have been a big thing to share, for sure. Do you smoke weed? I do not now. I haven't for about six months. Is it hard to be not smoking weed? It hasn't really been. Like, the first month, two months were really hard. I was like, damn, do I really have to stop? Drink? So, yep, I do drink. I drink more than I used to.

[01:05:40] I don't drink a lot, but now that I can't smoke, I drink. And do you vape? 2014 to 2021, I was vaping every day, all day. And then I stopped in 21, and I just started once I got out of boot camp. What, if anything, helps you feel a little better? Being around people, for sure. Socializing, seeing people. It's hard being by myself, just hanging out, doing nothing, talking to nobody. Fuck yeah. And music greatly helps, greatly.

[01:06:08] If I look at your playlist right now, what would be one of the top three? It'd be Juice WRLD, XXX, Tentacion, Kevin Gates. What genres did you just say? So they're like alternative music. It's kind of hip-hop, rap, but it's more like, I think they're classified as alternative artists. Myth and memoir. Which one do you want to do first? Let's do memoir. You got one? No. I was hoping.

[01:06:37] You got a lot of, there's a lot of different options with you. I knew that. That's a question you ask everybody, and it's like, I haven't, I've been thinking of it since I started listening. I come up with one, and I'll send it to you. You better. Because if I listed off all the possible words that I heard, it would be a long list. So you're going to send me the memoir title, and when you do, I'm going to let people know about it, okay? Okay. You don't need to write the book. Yeah. I haven't written any books.

[01:07:07] There are people I've talked to who have written memoirs. I don't think any of my guests ever, even if we came up with the best memoir title name ever, actually have written a book. If they do, I should probably ask for a little bit of money. I need to get a little fucking cut. Absolutely. I'm part of the production. I have yet to hear, because I promise you, if the day comes, someone's like, yeah, remember that great memoir title we came up with together? I wrote the book. I'd be like, I'm retiring. My job is done.

[01:07:33] I do want to add that after our conversation, and there's a few minutes left of this conversation, Austin messaged me with two possible memoir titles. The Life That Was Had and Almost Lost Year After Year, A New Rendition, and number two, Once A Daily Fashion, One Lived Out Presently, One Lived Out Exponentially. That is, those were possible memoir titles. We will see where that goes.

[01:07:58] I also wanted to add, because I don't put links in the description, that Austin's Instagram, he wants you to know about it, is underscore tin man, the half African underscore. All kinds of stuff on there. Some of which we covered here, some of which we did not. Let's get back to the end of this conversation. Of all the stuff you've gone through, what's one, perhaps two, myth or misconception you want to call bullshit on, if any?

[01:08:24] People definitely feel that talking about it or asking about depression or suicide, they feel like that's an off topic or off, like it's a closed off topic. You can't talk about it. It'll put them in that space. But that's, it's a freeing topic. Once somebody asks you about it, they want to know what's going on, what happened, like how you got to that point, that opens doors like they feel like they can talk about it. It's not something that's taboo. That's somebody caring.

[01:08:52] They want to know like, shit, how'd you get to that place? Because it's not everyone just, they wake up one day and it happens. Yeah, that's possible. It's very rare. Yeah, it's possible, but it's very rare. Usually it's something happened or something led up to that. Like for me, it's, I knew it led up from me getting kicked out of school. That was the biggest lead up because before that I was fine. I was perfectly fine until I started getting in trouble and getting kicked out of school. I don't want to hear any stories about you getting kicked out of the Navy.

[01:09:21] No, absolutely not. I am doing much better. I am. Yeah. I'm a very different person from 15 to now. Yeah. I have a lot of life knowledge. When do you turn 27? So I just turned 27 in December. No, I turned 26 in December. So I'll be 27 at the end of this year. All right. All right. Man, your birthday falls in the winter too. We don't like the winter with you. You're great. Anything else you want to add before we get back to our days, Austin?

[01:09:49] Right now I'm not able to think of anything. Sweet. That means I crushed it. And you did too. Thank your friend for making an appearance, please. I will. Thank you for talking with me. Even though you have already started this, it might be a little bit early to say thank you for your service. Thank you. We appreciate all the support we can get. It is something that not everyone supports. Do your thing. Enjoy your friend. And I'll get that to you in the next couple of days, that link. And keep doing what you're doing, man. It was good talking.

[01:10:20] Thank you. It was good talking. And I appreciate you doing the podcast for sure. You got it, Austin in Texas. Take care, my friend. You as well. Take care. As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support. Special thanks to Austin and his friend in Texas, now in California. Thanks, Austin. If you are a suicide attempt survivor or ideator and you'd like to talk, please reach out. It's real simple. Hello at suicidenoted.com. I'd love to talk with you. Check out our weekly poll on Spotify.

[01:10:49] Not a lot of people commenting. I'd love to see more if you have a moment or two. And you can learn more about this podcast in a number of places, including suicidenoted.com. We are always looking for financial contributions. They are tax deductible. It helps. It really does. And that is all for this week's episode. Stay strong. Do the best you can. I'll talk to you soon.

[01:11:31] Free audio post-production. By alphonic.com