Ambient in Alberta 🇨🇦

[00:00:00] They stayed with me until I like got into a room or whatever and then they left and they said we'll see you tomorrow Because this was quite late at night. They didn't come back

[00:00:09] I didn't have my phone or my wallet and they didn't come back. So yeah, it it was really rough Hey there, my name is Sean and this is suicide noted on this podcast I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories

[00:00:46] Every year around the world millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it We certainly don't talk about it enough. And when we do talk about it many of us including me We are not very good at it

[00:00:57] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with suicide attempt survivors in large part to help more people in more places feel a little less shitty and a little less alone and if you have been

[00:01:11] A part of that whatever that looks like however, that looks I really appreciate it very very much Thank you If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk please reach out Hello at suicide noted comm on Facebook or Twitter slash X at

[00:01:25] Suicide noted and you can learn more about this podcast in the show notes including our membership We could use that kind of support as we try to do this work and spread this message and have these Conversations that mostly are not happening

[00:01:43] Finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast. We do not hold back Please take that into account before you listen or as you listen, but I do hope you listen because there is so much to learn

[00:01:56] Today I am talking with ambient ambient lives in Alberta and she is a suicide attempt survivor Ambience. Yes. It's a good name. Thank you. I chose it myself Take Your phone out Tanya oh my goodness. Is this better? It's much better. I paid

[00:02:22] $300 for those things just for this Okay, Jesus Ambient in Alberta Yes, our friendly ish neighbors to the north. Yes. Is that bullshit? Are y'all friendlier? I Think it's bullshit. Most of us are are the same as as you

[00:02:44] No surprises. You are in a car. What kind of car is that? 2023 Hyundai Santa Fe. Oh Someone's doing pretty good for themselves. He's my baby. I'd love to get a Santa Fe. I got an upgrade. I got a

[00:03:01] 2013 I don't have a Hyundai. I got a Jeep 10 years does some damage, you know, it does definitely Who do you think that's the connection to our conversation today perhaps 10 years does damage it does it's my memoir title

[00:03:15] Do you know yours already? I do not so I can come in handy here with my gifts. Yes, absolutely You know, I have a gift right I do So you've heard the podcast I have all right, so we're here. I'm in North Carolina. You're in Alberta

[00:03:31] You're in a Hyundai I'm at my kitchen table I'm wearing glasses their reading glasses by the way, because I'm getting old and you're not that's right So you're the young youngster here. Yes, maybe wait a second It's so quick to say you're the youngster you probably are

[00:03:50] Definitely, you're the youngster. I know but yeah, you did say Canadians weren't any nicer. Okay, fine. I got it now All right, so how is it that we're talking about suicide how did this come to me I don't really know

[00:04:03] So I found your podcast. I heard you on the moth. Wait, whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa say that again So everybody can hear it. I heard your episode on the moth When you're talking about the moth the one where

[00:04:18] Storytellers go and and they're really really selective about who they choose that one Yeah that one. Yeah Yeah, wow, okay, so you heard it you found it you got on to the podcast what happened after that

[00:04:32] I just fell in love with your podcast and listening to people just talk candidly It's hard to find it is very hard to find Recently, I got an opportunity to tell a very short version of my story to my boss Actually, it revealed an itch

[00:04:50] Like I have this itch to scratch where I want to talk about it and I've never had the opportunity Except in you know those therapy settings which aren't always ideal not always right

[00:05:02] What kind of boss do you have that would be cool with hearing that stuff? She's incredible kind of work. Do you do? Yeah, I recently changed careers. I am now in human resources and health and safety

[00:05:13] I guess in some small way. That's what we're doing here. But some might disagree Yes of all the things you've said so far I have to tell you Far more than saying the moth what I liked hearing very selfishly very ego-driven here

[00:05:28] You use the words fell in love with yeah, it's just really unusual to hear people speak openly About suicide and anything of that nature to hear the conversations go back and forth. And yeah, it's just really Comforting I guess and unusual and I think our

[00:05:50] Society lacks a lot of humanity and this kind of demonstrates that there's still some left Wow. Talk about a testimonial Most people who would hear a podcast like this. I imagine would not fall in love with it So that makes me think here

[00:06:07] And of course you're a guest that you have some real direct or almost perhaps intimate connection with suicide Yes, absolutely. When was the first? Time not that you attempted but if you can recall the first time you started thinking like that

[00:06:24] Um, I was about 13 years and this is up in Alberta Yes What is happening either before then or at that time where you start to think this thing that I imagine would be somewhat scary But tell me if tell me if not, so my childhood

[00:06:39] I've only recently kind of uncovered this it wasn't traumatic in the usual way that you would think of traumatic childhood It took me a long time to figure out why I feel the things I do But I grew up in a constant stress response

[00:06:54] So that was kind of the home situation and then I was a very high achiever So I was in an honors program in school. I was discovering that I couldn't not keep up with my peers. I also

[00:07:07] Struggled socially and I still do I'm not very socially fluent and then my parents let me know that we're moving so I think all of those things just Kind of combined at that moment and and so you're thinking is that the right word?

[00:07:21] Is it thinking feeling something else where that's a pretty big jump, you know to be unhappy or dealing with life And it's I'm using my words here sucks And then to think of ending your life for some people that hear that that's a big leap, right?

[00:07:38] I think it was a slow progression But it's accurate in saying I was thinking about about suicide for sure And how old were you for your first attempt? I was 17 So from what's happening from 13 when you move am I right? Yes to 17, which is

[00:07:55] Essentially high school kind of the same the same stuff nothing really changed again I put all of my effort into school. I don't know if Americans are aware but here in Canada we have what's called an international baccalaureate Program in high school Americans are probably not aware

[00:08:16] Don't hate me American that could apply to more than just the international baccalaureate. All right, tell me about that It's a program for I guess the term back in the day was gifted or honors students

[00:08:30] So the high achievers essentially it was a little bit more robust and almost College material but in high school. I was not a very smart person. I just studied her So I I could not keep up

[00:08:44] And with my home life being garbage not connecting socially with anybody and now Essentially failing at the one talent I did have that all just kind of combined at 17 Yeah crescendos, so to speak what happens so for this specific instance

[00:09:05] It was blue Monday. It turns out so I don't know if that means anything I had recently in my mind failed a math final exam By failed I'm talking 78% so that can tell you a little bit about my expectations So I was going to rewrite that exam

[00:09:24] I left my house like normal and I ended up just stopping at a grocery store and I went to the pharmacy picked up some pills and a birthday card actually Which I thought was quite interesting and then I I went to school

[00:09:42] I sat in my car took all the pills and then I went inside to write my exam I'm always kind of thinking I don't you know, I'm limited by words to some degree and I guess there's some irony there Is it impulsive?

[00:09:53] It sounds like I end up in a way because you kind of woke up like it's any other day And it had been building for years, right? Yes So is it the kind of thing where it's building and building but you still need something?

[00:10:05] It doesn't sound like there was anything that happened on that day per se so I'm wondering tough question here Why that day looking back? I think it was just facing Rewriting this exam and that was kind of the breaking point

[00:10:21] As otherwise, like you said there was nothing in particular about that day So you take the pills in the parking lot? You're not in a 2023 Hyundai No, I am NOT going to school. Do you get to that test rewriting? I do not I

[00:10:37] There was a teacher at the time who was like I had developed a lot of Test anxiety so he was kind of mentoring me on that So I went to see him to talk about the exam and I ended up feeling pretty ill pretty quickly

[00:10:53] So I let him know what had happened. What did he do? Immediately made a phone call to the guidance counselor and I was taken to the hospital Now I have a question a lot of questions as you probably know Why did you tell him?

[00:11:12] I think I panicked sure now if you had your way back then and you had some agency you have some power Would you have said I really don't want to go to a hospital other than maybe I feel like shit

[00:11:26] I need this out of my system in the moment Like we could at the kind of hospital you went to or another kind that was the kind of hospital

[00:11:33] Yeah, I got it. Did they pump your stomach or give you charcoal or something like that? Yeah, I had charcoal. It's the best It's so good That's I'm thinking of the commercial charcoal. It's the best

[00:11:48] Are you thinking at all? Like shit? I want to die. I wanted to die. Yeah, see that's a feeling That I also want to better understand I guess this is why people do art among other things is because words are limiting but this isn't an art podcast

[00:12:04] It's a talking podcast. What's that like you're sitting in a hospital bed Charcoal and you're like, you know, cuz again like nothing changed you're still dealing with all the same shit feeling the same way around Yeah, I don't know how to describe that feeling either in words

[00:12:18] It's almost like the pit of my stomach was just bottomless when you're 17 So are they in Canada or Alberta required or either way do they contact family or other people?

[00:12:31] Unfortunately, yes, they do who finds out so both my parents and then I guess my brother at the time as well I'm curious how they respond or do they some people don't say a damn thing

[00:12:42] My mom and dad showed up at the hospital right away. They they wanted to fix it What did that look like? I don't really know at the time you said something interesting and I get I get it It's like you they wanted to fix it

[00:12:55] Right it what's the it exactly do we know did you know I did not know now upon reflection, do you know? No Okay Are you talking about me talking about the thing I did Oh, are you talking about I'm sorry out parents out there

[00:13:12] I'm really am I apologizing a lot today? It's because you have a Canadian Canadians are making me more apologetic maybe even softer. Ooh Was the it ever hey, maybe we should create a I don't know nicer home for our daughter, you know work on us

[00:13:29] Yeah, no, that wasn't it being in the hospital It was I don't know. They kept me for a while and they're like you can't see the the psychiatrist until tomorrow or whatever My parents checked me out against medical advice because I did not need a psychiatrist

[00:13:48] Got your parents made that decision. Yes. Do you think that was the right decision? No, there's not needing a psychiatrist include psychologist or counselor. Yes. Okay. What did they think? Well, hang on hang on and this is not me ripping on your parents to tough spot

[00:14:03] Admittedly you said earlier just now that they wanted to fix quote it right So the it also doesn't include you getting any kind of help, right? Do you see why I might be? Looking a little quizzical if that's the right word. Yes

[00:14:22] Okay. Now I'm curious here. I gotta stop saying that to no shit. Sean. You're curious You have a fucking podcast. Well, all you do is ask questions. I know I'm asking you to think about some years ago

[00:14:34] Yes in a state where you might have been somewhat foggy at least in the in the short term What would have helped you probably being able to have a conversation a meaningful conversation with somebody friend family

[00:14:48] Therapist any of the above human? Yeah. Yeah AI probably wasn't a thing then so just human Yeah, it was not I'm not a parent ambient You probably know that if you've heard the podcast, so I would fuck it up. No doubt about it like badly

[00:15:02] I know I would I would I hope ask I hope what do you need? What what can we do that might help I'm gonna guess that probably didn't happen. It did not you see the face Yeah, I do

[00:15:16] I mean is this a face you ever made with your parents inside? Literally every day. Yeah, like I don't wait what that kind of thing? Yeah brother any different about it all She kind of like the folks he's better than the folks

[00:15:31] Except that he doesn't know how to shut his mouth So if I'm talking to him I might as well be talking to them also So, of course you either won't talk to him about this stuff or you'll be very intention about what not to include right? Yeah

[00:15:45] And you said that you just wanted somebody to talk to and there was nobody Right and the thing that people I want people to know is that You go back to life and you know that like, you know

[00:15:59] You're going back into the world and there's no one to talk to about it Yeah, you might find somebody but let's be honest about it. You might not right? See, that's the shit that is scary for me in my life

[00:16:11] And there's reasons why you didn't talk to certain people if when that happened We could talk to every single person in your life, you know parents brother Guidance counselor whoever yeah, and we asked them would you be open to talking to ambient?

[00:16:27] Are you around can she talk to you? I bet someone would say of course. Yeah, sure. Absolutely Yeah, but that's not the same thing as you wanting to talk to them because they are or are not certain things

[00:16:38] That's very different buried. That's a huge problem. So that happens you go. Are you done with high school soon after that? Yes college. Yes. I go to university. Oh you call it University up there up yonder That's right, yeah sounds that sounds smarter the IB and

[00:16:58] University. Yeah, what happens up in college? I think smooth out at all get worse or better worse. I think because very Undecided about what the hell I want to do with my life and there's pressure right you're 19 You got to figure it out. Yeah

[00:17:16] Geez do you remember what you wanted to be when you were 5 or 10 years old a doctor and at 19 or 20? No more. No, that was off the table. I'm not smart enough for that

[00:17:27] Okay, so in college things don't get better in some ways you starting they're getting worse. How old are you for suicide attempt number two? when So you're in college or no more I am yes, and is this in the same area you grew up in

[00:17:43] Yes, the new area yeah the new Eric for those of you that don't know and I'm sure many of you do Alberta's ginormous. I Think I only know a couple of cities, of course, I know Calgary because is that that's Alberta Calgary, right? Yes

[00:18:01] Yeah, I'm a little offended why that Calgary is the one you know, wait, hang on. Hang on. Hang on. There's others It's not Saskatoon because that's not in Alberta Oh Edmonton That's right home of the hockey Oilers. They love hockey up there

[00:18:18] We do my nails are orange and blue right now, so I don't know how old you are I think you're too young for this but you remember Wayne Gretzky said dumb question. What a dumb question

[00:18:29] No, Sean, I'm from Canada and I don't know maybe the most famous hockey player ever Yeah, the one for Stanley Cups with the team I root for my nails are fucking orange and blue

[00:18:41] No, I don't know you're talking about. Well, it's not a hockey podcast, right? You want to make it one we could do it We could do it Sure, let's do it. No, it's like and oh by the way trivia question out there

[00:18:52] Where did Wayne Gretzky go after he left Edmonton? Oh the team they just beat the LA Kings That's right. And where did he I believe retire or at least play in his later later years

[00:19:03] That's right the team I used to root for the New York Rangers and who do I root for now? Nobody, I really don't care but for the next 45 or so minutes. I'm an Edmonton Oilers fan

[00:19:13] Why not? Who are they playing in the second round? Do we know yet? I am NOT. I'm not hopeful I don't know if I can say that as a fan, but Well, you let me know if I should cut that out of the final version of this episode

[00:19:26] I don't want to create any problems for you up there Alright, so, um, you are going through college is suicide attempt to in some ways at all similar to suicide attempt one Are there some differences it is a very similar. It was a little bit more planned

[00:19:40] I was pretty stupid and didn't change up the method. I think people either change the method or Change like, you know, if you took 20, you'll take 40 something like that or they change the pill, right?

[00:19:52] I'm not giving anyone ideas here. I'm just telling people what I've heard. That's it You weren't in school you were in college was there someone around again who you who you told yes

[00:20:01] So I ended up my brilliant plan was I was heading out for a weekend at my friends It was Halloween for a Halloween party so my plan was to take the pills and then

[00:20:12] You know go for the dinner or whatever and then go to bed for the night be done Turns out I did I guess you could say I upped the dose I ended up skipping out on dinner and when they got back to the apartment

[00:20:25] I was pretty sick. Had you already gotten dressed in your outfit your costume? No, what would you have worn that night? I was dressing up in dr. Who gear. Oh That's cool. You didn't put it on because you didn't feel well, right?

[00:20:40] So when you're leaving your home and you're going to this other place and you're driving there and you're packing you're packing Well, you're packing a bunch of extra pills, right? So it's intentional. It's a plan. Like you said, it's more planned

[00:20:51] Yes, take the pills stay there get sick. And when they come home you said you're really I don't know if you said really sick Or really not doing well really sick. Yeah, were you passed out or you just what was happening?

[00:21:03] No, I was just like throwing up everywhere. What are your friends do? They took me to my favorite place the hospital again charcoal. Yeah, what's our slogan? It's so good

[00:21:14] I love it. The best ads are so simple. They are charcoal. It's so good. Oh my god. We have a winner So good because you know like we're creating shit here, right? So go to the hospital. I do the charcoal

[00:21:29] It's so good. You're in the clear. I imagine with like immediate dying Right. Do you feel kind of similar about three years or so later after the first attempt?

[00:21:39] Do you remember as you're in a hospital feeling kind of the same like shit I'm still here I do and I remember feeling significantly worse actually Because my friends they stayed with me until I like got into a room or whatever and then they left and they said

[00:21:56] We'll see you tomorrow because this was quite late at night. They didn't come back I didn't have my phone or my wallet and they didn't come back So I ended up like the next day checking myself out I

[00:22:10] Took the train to go to my friend's apartment. She wasn't home. I don't have a key. I have nothing So yeah, it it was really rough. Did your friends know that you were struggling like in that kind of way?

[00:22:25] Yes, it's always a shock, but maybe not as much if they had absolutely no clue, right? So they knew did anybody else find out my parents ended up finding out as well because this was early cell phone days and

[00:22:40] They were trying to get a hold of me over the course of the weekend with no response because I didn't have my phone the Unexpected consequences of not having one's phone. That's right

[00:22:51] Now does the same thing happen in that they or others like say no, you don't need that kind of help Do you change course? At this point I started to go therapist shopping is what I call it

[00:23:05] Try to find a psychologist or a counselor that can help I did that for about a decade Oh without finding someone Oh, yeah, so until that point you had never been in therapy of any kind I tried multiple therapists but never longer than a month or two with

[00:23:20] It's hard to find the right therapist It really is when people just say I'll go to therapy or just talk about I'm like, yeah Those aren't inherently wrong things to do, but you're missing a part of the conversation. Not everybody is yeah, I can talk about it

[00:23:31] But yeah, yeah, I could spend nine years looking for a therapist, but you know, there's butts to it, right? Charcoal, it's so good. Oh my god. This is like a new thing. I'm doing here Like holy shit bit of a sizzle inside of me. That's like, okay

[00:23:50] We're making art here and I said we didn't do art wrong. We do it Well, I do art so I appreciate that you're on board Totally the other question I have about Canada I don't know if it's more provincial in terms of Alberta

[00:24:04] The hospital when they and this is both attempts when they give you charcoal when you've overdosed they know it's a suicide attempt Yes So in either of those experiences did they nudge you towards a different kind of hospital?

[00:24:18] Nudge you towards a certain kind of care or just I don't just say okay, you know go do your own thing Yeah, they didn't they didn't nudge me anywhere the first time again my they were talking about seeing psychiatry

[00:24:31] But my parents took me out the second time actually while I was there I heard the nurses talking about me in the hallway and things so I just wanted to get the F out of there Negative thing right? Yeah. Why do they do that? I have no idea

[00:24:47] There's a stigma against suicide attempts survivors there really is we know this it's huge Yeah, but what I don't understand. I don't understand any of it But what I really don't understand is that shit happens in hospitals. Are you fucking serious? I'm doing it again

[00:25:02] I'm doing a little qualifying or apologizing because I'm talking to a Canadian, you know I get it your jobs are hard and a lot of you do amazing work. I know that for sure It's not cool to fucking make fun of everybody

[00:25:13] Come on like you don't even need to be not that they're gonna listen to this or change their behavior, but you know ambient really Yeah, just don't be fucking asshole. Okay, I'm done. I'm off my rant

[00:25:24] You ever see those friends again, or do they kind of ghost you? No, I saw them again We stayed friends for for a number of years after that's cool

[00:25:33] Did they ever share with you what it was like seeing you and taking you to the hospital and all that? I'm wonder it must have been hard Yes, one of them did we talked about it once and then that was it hmm

[00:25:45] So that's when you were 20. What are your 20s like? They're okay, I think I Quit college went to work and then I decided to try a different college degree

[00:25:57] I tried to go into art quit that and then ended up in the corporate world, which is where I still am That was okay. I entered into Addiction pretty early after the second attempt I would say you were addicted to something. What was that something it varied

[00:26:15] started with alcohol and it wasn't pertinent for me, so then we went to cannabis and then I Had a sexual abuser at my workplace and he used to pay me with pills opioids so that

[00:26:32] Started so just to be clear and I know we're getting into some sensitive sensitive stuff Mm-hmm Someone at work was abusing you sexually and you knowing you had Essentially no choice said fuck it. I mean, that's what the pills. Yeah, I don't think I've ever heard that before

[00:26:48] I mean III this is gonna sound very strange because it sounds like I get I'm getting off on other people's pain or whatever I'm not but it's interesting to hear things. I haven't heard from before you I've had a lot of conversations, you know

[00:27:00] Yeah, absolutely. I think I'm kind of an unusual person in the maybe addict world Because I'm a real follower for the most part once that person was out of the workplace and no longer around I

[00:27:17] lost my connection to get these pills and I did not did not know how or wasn't able to Like go on the streets and find somebody to do that So I found it's a medication that sold over-the-counter here in Canada

[00:27:31] I think it's prescription in the United States, but it does a very similar thing if you take it at high doses So I replaced the opioids with that. Are you still taking them? Yes. Did that sound judgmental?

[00:27:48] No, because the words still suggest you shouldn't be in my mind, which makes me think that was a bad question I didn't take it that way It's your Canadian That's right Okay. So is this an addiction that is creating problems for you? Yes, and it's been I'm imagining

[00:28:07] Years. Yes years So you got out of that situation with that person who was abusing you was that and you're in a new From what we said towards the beginning of the conversation new new work new place

[00:28:18] Yeah, can I say it's a little ironic that you were to work in HR HR Health and safety given what you just shared like wow, yeah Maybe not a coincidence. I come from blue collar. I was working in like a

[00:28:34] Equipment shop. So a lot of rough around the edges people rough Albertans that's right. So at 20 years old you had your second attempt What was it last year this year where you find or look for and or find this podcast? Yeah, it was late last year

[00:28:52] So all the time part of the time since your attempt at second attempt at 20 years old Are you ideating all the time all the time all the time like daily? Yes, but you've not tried No come close. Yes

[00:29:09] Are you as we talk not gonna ask if you're thinking about it? That's a weird because we're talking about suicide after all But are You planning now? Yes. How much do you want to share about that? I mean I can share a bit I'm I'm currently

[00:29:28] taking some medication Psychiatric medication whatever you want to call it and I'm looking to Stop taking it because I've been taking it for over a decade. I feel like it may be

[00:29:41] More of a hindrance than a help, but I have tried stopping in the past and withdrawal is a bitch Yeah, that is not a good time But I have the feeling that if I can get over that that maybe there's light on the other side

[00:29:59] So I'm just I have a plan for if I can't make it through that Meaning if you aren't able to get off or when getting off, it's brutal when getting off. It's alright

[00:30:09] So that's on the table now. I want to share with you that I offer to my guests who and this actually happened More recently and I don't know why because when I speak with people There's usually like a two to three month lag before it actually comes out

[00:30:24] I say look if you want me to bump it up I will I usually go in order But if you're not gonna be here and it matters for you to hear it while you're alive because that's the only way I guess

[00:30:32] You can hear it, you know, I'll do that So anyway, that's an offer for you. Just think about it if you ever want me to do that Okay, for sure

[00:30:39] Do you think you listen to it when it comes out or you can't stand your voice like 98% of other people? I can't stand my voice what I meant by that is that 98% of people can't stand their voices not your voice

[00:30:50] Right, right. I got that fourth apology to the Canadian today It's just like a whole new me. Maybe you just moved to Canada. I'll be nicer I don't and then I'll realize

[00:31:01] You're not any nicer and then I'll just go back to my old ways and then I'll be bitter about the fact that I was Wrong and be even more of a dick. Okay won't go stay here. How many people know that we're talking about this?

[00:31:12] One Oh your boss. No, actually a friend. He lives in New Jersey. He's a fellow American How do you have a friend in New Jersey? That's far from Albert. It is very we met through

[00:31:25] Addiction recovery community online. No cool. So you said that you were on a medication That means you did go find at least a doctor that would prescribe you medication yeah, so after the first attempt I went to my

[00:31:39] GP and he he gave me the diagnosis of major depression and general anxiety disorder and I Went through all of the meds to find one Recently, I went back for reevaluation to a different doctor and he looked at my history and he said

[00:31:57] Sorry, there's nothing I can do for you. You've tried everything. There's always new shit, isn't there? Well, that's kind of what I Do you think the diagnosis that first person gave is Accurate. Um, I think there's something more it's really difficult

[00:32:13] Everybody talks about Canadian health care being really great because it's free. It's not great if you have mental health issues It is the worst so trying to get in touch with a psychiatrist is impossible And I find because I'm quote unquote high functioning

[00:32:32] They don't take me seriously, but like here the person I did see suggested borderline personality disorder as a Mmm, that's one of those that I think are like we're not sure so we'll just pop that label on

[00:32:47] Mm-hmm. That's what it is when I you know from people I've talked to but do you think that there's some validity to that? Diagnosis I do. Yeah. What does that look like in your day-to-day just little Ability to handle any kind of

[00:33:02] Emotion the smallest thing feels like the end of the world And then the constant ideations Self-harm that kind of thing my coping tool that I developed from my child is Dissociation kind of identifying recently that I have different dissociative identities that that's not a diagnosis

[00:33:24] That's just that kind of the way we've described it I'm in therapy do you have names for the other identities? I do. Yeah, how many are there? There's three is one of them ambient

[00:33:37] Yes is one of them your given name at birth. Yes, and there's a third I Don't know a lot about it and you may not want to talk much about it But I want to ask you a question with the understanding that it might inadvertently

[00:33:49] Sound a little crass. Okay is ambient the only one that could have this conversation Yes. Hmm. So are you able to when I say you I'd like you know what I mean? Like I don't know the exact wording here Yeah

[00:34:01] Are you able to sort of turn it on and off for something like this or other things in your life? When you need that person to kind of for lack of a better word step up and take care of business

[00:34:09] I think I'm developing that skill. Yes, that's kind of fascinating and probably terrifying at the same time It is yeah, because I know for some people they have like versions of themselves Right, most people would consider normal lack of a better word quote-unquote right normal

[00:34:26] Well, then it doesn't mean it's gonna be anything that's moving in that direction at all It's just but I just think about like how or when and this is kind of rhetorical like how or when does it move to?

[00:34:35] Something else right turn into something where there are sort of distinct personalities. They have names They might sound different at so on, you know I think I've had a few conversations with people at least a few for sure that have that diagnosis

[00:34:49] It's very interesting. Is there any sort of what's the word I'm looking for here way to Manage and or cure that I don't know why I don't like the word cure

[00:34:59] but yeah cure that or change that if you want to and not that I've found or look at And they're serving you in a way, right? So you have a friend in New Jersey a boss you like an older brother

[00:35:15] Yes of all of them and probably some I'm I don't know and didn't name given what you shared Throughout but especially in the beginning It sounds like few if any of them you can really talk to and if I'm wrong tell me I want to know

[00:35:30] No, there's only I would say one my jet, New Jersey friend. But yeah, that's out out to New Jersey So as we talked today and perhaps in the past years, do you wish either attempt had been you had died

[00:35:47] No, I wish there would be a new successful attempt That sounds weird, doesn't it? The word successful or the fact that you feel that way that I feel like I wouldn't have changed those two

[00:36:00] But that I would want another one when you think about let's call it a potential plan That might not be the right wording same method. No, is it a method where you're like, this is more likely to work I am imagining that's kind of a dumb question

[00:36:17] It is a dumb question Let's be honest, that's what we do here. That's right. That's a dumb question and I'm gonna leave it I'm totally leaving it in just so you know Perfect. I love it. So this time

[00:36:31] Depending on what happens. I know you sort of shared that you want out You did what you did those other times too. It sounds like yes This is a question. I rarely ask because it's bordering on sounding like a therapist

[00:36:45] But it but it's it's really not is there anything in your life, you know internally or externally That if it changed you would be less likely or eliminate the idea entirely of trying again

[00:36:58] No, you're pretty sure about that. Yeah, I think one thing I didn't really mention that might be valuable So that the period of nearly a decade where I did not attempt it might be valuable to know the reason I didn't is because My brother attempted at one point

[00:37:19] During that time he was in a coma for a few weeks But I thought to experience kind of a brief insight to I guess you could say the survivor's side So I told myself that I would never put anybody through that

[00:37:34] There's been quite a lot of distance now between today and when that happened. So the feeling is not as strong Did you guys ever have a conversation about his attempt or things around that?

[00:37:46] Not really. There was a period of time where I felt responsible for his attempt. Is that right? Yeah again He's significantly older than me. So he had two Young boys and he lived in the town

[00:38:00] I grew up in which is about two hours away from where I am and my mom got a call from him one day He was suicidal. He had the kids his wife was at work or something

[00:38:13] She couldn't drive so I left work and I drove two hours to his house Loaded up the kids dropped them off at his wife's work and took him to the hospital and I had to fight with the doctors

[00:38:29] For them to admit him at the time. I'm not much of a fighter I'm a people pleaser on to whatever you want me to do. So that was unusual, but he ended up getting Transferred to I don't know what the correct term is

[00:38:45] But like a mental hospital that'd be acceptable in the old days to say right And he stayed there for I think a week anyway So then a month later

[00:38:55] He was doing a fly-in fly-out amp job and we got a call that they had found him in his room Unresponsive when I went to his house after that. I found that the medications the Doctor at the hospital prescribed him is what he had used

[00:39:14] So in my twisted mind, I took that as well if I had never made him go there Except I failed to consider the reason why I made him go there was because was suicidal

[00:39:26] So so your parents have had two kids who have tried to in their lives. Yes, that must be really fucking hard I imagine if you had kids you would have brought that up already. Yes. I do not have kids

[00:39:36] Did you want kids I did for a long period of time not on the table. No Do you know the question? I always ask about the pink and purple pill No

[00:39:49] Really? Okay. I give it to you. You take it you go to sleep. You do not wake up You are no pain and nobody knows that it's a suicide if I give you that pill right now Would you take it save it or toss it?

[00:40:05] Right now right now. I would say of the people I asked you that question There's not a small number that say the same thing most say they'd save it

[00:40:13] They want it, you know just in case right there are some that are in a different spot in their lives So if whatever reason say no No, I would chuck it but a good like I said not a small number say no

[00:40:23] I'm take it take it right now. Take it tonight. Yeah. No, I know you're into art You might be wondering why it's pink and purple and I don't have an answer for you. I just made that shit up Okay myths and or misconceptions around

[00:40:38] Well to start off with suicide, but it can be about others Related things other things in your life probably every one says this but the myth to dispel is it's not selfish

[00:40:50] We spent appreciating Liam amount of time considering the other people that are going to be left behind So I think just letting people know that Like for example, if I were a woman, do you think you'd share differently or share more or less?

[00:41:04] Absolutely less really. Why is that I Really struggle to connect with women. I don't know what did ambient me too Not for the podcast, but you know, I'm saying yeah Yeah, I think I'm probably more inclined to have these kinds of conversations

[00:41:22] Whatever they look like with women then men to opposite sex essentially, right? Yeah More natural. Yeah, what else would you like to share ambient in Alberta in a Hyundai Santa Fe? I don't think there's anything else. I'm actually checking the weather in

[00:41:41] Edmonton right now, it's not that warm. I am dying to degrees This is Considered a very nice day and I'm into you know, what's interesting here a couple things. I just googled Edmonton and then I clicked images beautiful cities city line, right beautiful build beautiful greenery

[00:42:06] You know what? I don't see so I'm not trying to I really believe you glaciers Well, I don't but also I don't see a Hyundai Santa Fe in any of these fucking pictures

[00:42:16] So, where are you really ambient? Come on. I think from what I've learned men in particular Maybe some of those kinds of guys who used to work with or people, you know often out west Canada or the US

[00:42:29] Probably a little bit more likely to be blue-collar even more so in rural areas There's a high attempt rate access to access to guns less access to mental health or other resources And I think less likely to ask for any sort of Support. Yeah, absolutely

[00:42:45] Does that track with some people, you know in Alberta? No, I don't know anybody personally Mm-hmm. I know your older brother attempted. Do you know anybody else who's attempted or died from suicide? Actually, so my very first attempt the teacher that I ended up

[00:43:02] Disclosing to two weeks after that. He found another student dead I did not know that person but because I was so ill at the time I made him up in my mind and I stayed connected to that idea for a very long time

[00:43:20] I wonder how many people know nobody who's tried certainly some but probably not a Super large number. Yeah. No, I think that number is probably smaller than you would typically expect Yeah, are we talking at your lunch break? Actually, I'm not working today and I'm at art event

[00:43:41] What is or are the art what would you call it forms that you most enjoy? I used to really love photography and then now I do mostly like mixed media or paper That sounds nice my final question then, of course you can add anything else you want

[00:43:59] Once your birthday, it's in June. Are you gonna be alive for your birthday? I don't know. Well, thank you for your honesty Yeah. All right. Thanks again for talking to me and I really appreciate it. Thank you. It was really refreshing

[00:44:11] Oh, yeah any time I enjoy it. I hope our paths cross again. I hope your day is at least decent and Enjoy the art show As Always, thanks so much for listening in all of your support special. Thanks to ambient in Alberta. Thank you ambient

[00:44:29] And oh by the way when this podcast is released The Edmonton Oilers will be in the finals starting the finals of the NHL Stanley Cup Against the Florida Panthers. I don't care who wins but for the sake of ambient go Oilers

[00:44:45] If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out. Hello at suicide noted Calm on Facebook or Twitter slash X at suicide noted And of course you can reach out for all kinds of reasons not just to talk

[00:44:59] We really want to hear from you a question comment an idea Let us know and that is all for episode number two one six. Stay strong do the best you can I'll talk to you soon