Adam in Utah

[00:00:00] So high school was shit. Bullies, all that. And then I go to church, same fucking shit. Only me not fitting in at church also means God is kind of pissed at me too. So it's just another person to say, hey, you're fucking garbage.

[00:00:39] Hey there, my name is Sean and this is Suicide Noted. On this podcast, I talk with suicide attempt survivors so that we can hear their stories.

[00:00:47] Every year around the world, millions of people try to take their own lives and we almost never talk about it. We certainly don't talk about it enough.

[00:00:54] And when we do talk about it, many of us, we are just not very good at it. In fact, most of us, we kind of suck at it.

[00:01:00] So one of my goals with this podcast is to have more conversations and hopefully better conversations with attempt survivors in large part to help more people in more places hopefully feel a little less shitty and a little less alone.

[00:01:12] This is the first episode of 2025. It's pretty miraculous that we're here, that I'm here, we're still doing this, that you're listening to this wherever you are.

[00:01:25] So as always, a huge thanks to everybody who has been involved, however you've been involved. Thank you.

[00:01:32] Now, if you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out. The best way to do that right now is email.

[00:01:38] Hello at suicidenoted.com to our former guests. Please look out for an email I will be sending you soon.

[00:01:46] And to our listeners, please know that we will be scheduling one meeting, maybe two meetings, maybe more via Zoom.

[00:01:55] Hopefully your schedule will allow for you to join us. I just want to talk to you. I want to hear from you. I want to learn more about you.

[00:02:00] So whether you are a guest, a listener or both, stay tuned for that information.

[00:02:05] You can check the show notes to learn more about this podcast, including our membership, the Noted Network, the Signal Group, volunteering, sponsoring us, speaking engagements, other ways to contact us.

[00:02:16] It's all there. Have a look.

[00:02:18] Finally, we are talking about suicide on this podcast and we don't hold back.

[00:02:22] So please take that into account before you listen or as you listen.

[00:02:26] But I do hope you listen because there's so much to learn.

[00:02:28] Today, I'm talking with Adam. Adam lives in Utah and he is a suicide attempt survivor.

[00:02:37] We're not doing anything fancy here like a big introduction because it's the Suicide Noted podcast and that's just not really how things are done.

[00:02:44] Adam in Utah, right?

[00:02:47] Yep.

[00:02:47] Are you a little nervous?

[00:02:49] Yes, sir.

[00:02:51] I've always struggled socially.

[00:02:54] I don't know what it is.

[00:02:56] People looking at me, listening to what I say.

[00:02:59] I don't know.

[00:02:59] I'm just self-conscious about it, I guess.

[00:03:02] Yeah.

[00:03:02] You're in Utah.

[00:03:03] I'm in North Carolina.

[00:03:04] This is what we know.

[00:03:05] You're younger than me, but you're not a young, young man.

[00:03:08] No.

[00:03:09] You do have hair, I do know.

[00:03:10] Just that's the final thing I want to say.

[00:03:12] For now, yeah.

[00:03:13] For now.

[00:03:13] You never know where that's going to go.

[00:03:15] So you're talking with me on a podcast.

[00:03:18] I'm sure you know this, of course, called Suicide Noted.

[00:03:21] And you reached out not long ago.

[00:03:23] And here we are talking.

[00:03:24] And I'm wondering, how did you find the podcast?

[00:03:28] And then why do you want to talk about it to me?

[00:03:30] Meaning, and then others will hear it.

[00:03:31] Probably most people you don't know.

[00:03:33] I recently got divorced.

[00:03:35] I lost a relationship with my kids and obviously my wife, right?

[00:03:41] So they're in Texas and I'm now in Utah.

[00:03:45] So I've been struggling pretty bad lately.

[00:03:48] So I guess I just wanted to hear something about what I'm feeling,

[00:03:55] which is suicidal, depressed, and all that shit.

[00:03:59] So yours came up.

[00:04:00] I listened to one and it resonated.

[00:04:03] So I kept listening.

[00:04:04] So you've listened to a few?

[00:04:06] Yeah.

[00:04:07] Yeah.

[00:04:07] Probably 50 or so.

[00:04:08] Oh, wow.

[00:04:09] You binged it.

[00:04:10] Yeah, at work, I can have headphones in.

[00:04:13] And do you have a suicide attempt?

[00:04:15] Yeah.

[00:04:16] Yeah, when I was 16.

[00:04:18] So about 20, 22 years ago.

[00:04:20] Given that you found this podcast recently,

[00:04:23] and then when I asked about it, you were talking about your family.

[00:04:26] Sounds like you're probably in that space again.

[00:04:28] Yes, sir.

[00:04:29] On that note, it's weird because my attempt at 16 was for a different reason.

[00:04:37] You know, it's more of a self-hatred.

[00:04:38] And this is more of a, I lost every fucking thing I cared about.

[00:04:43] But the suicide ideation is still present in both situations, which I found interesting.

[00:04:50] I don't know.

[00:04:51] Yeah.

[00:04:52] Yeah.

[00:04:52] When you were 16, you were from Texas?

[00:04:54] I'm from Utah.

[00:04:55] Yeah.

[00:04:56] Yeah.

[00:04:56] We were only in Texas for about a year.

[00:04:58] So at 16, how do you try to end your life?

[00:05:01] Hang myself.

[00:05:02] You're at home?

[00:05:03] Yep.

[00:05:04] Now you're a Mormon.

[00:05:05] You were raised Mormon?

[00:05:06] Yep.

[00:05:07] Mormon household.

[00:05:08] Yeah.

[00:05:09] Childhood, teenage years.

[00:05:10] Yeah.

[00:05:11] Now I don't know if that has anything to do with you wanting to die at 16.

[00:05:14] Partially, yeah.

[00:05:15] How so?

[00:05:16] You want to share that?

[00:05:17] Yeah.

[00:05:18] So high school was shit, right?

[00:05:19] Mm-hmm.

[00:05:20] Mm-hmm.

[00:05:20] Bullies, all that.

[00:05:21] And then I go to church and it's more of the same fucking shit.

[00:05:25] Only me not fitting in at church also means God is kind of pissed at me too, you know, looking

[00:05:34] down on me.

[00:05:34] So it's just another person to say, hey, you're fucking garbage because you aren't wanting

[00:05:41] to go on a mission, wanting to follow all these narratives they have in the Mormon church.

[00:05:48] Yeah.

[00:05:49] I'm familiar with some of it.

[00:05:50] I've learned a little bit more over the past, in part because of this podcast, where there's

[00:05:54] specific narratives beyond, I guess, that you should be doing the mission that were particularly

[00:05:59] hard?

[00:06:00] Yeah.

[00:06:00] Well, and men are required to go on a mission.

[00:06:03] Mm-hmm.

[00:06:04] Required.

[00:06:05] Mm-hmm.

[00:06:06] In order to, what, gain God's good graces.

[00:06:11] No pressure there, Adam.

[00:06:12] Yep.

[00:06:14] Which means, to go back to socializing, like knocking on strangers' doors and talking about

[00:06:19] shit I barely know about.

[00:06:21] You know, it just, for two fucking years, it didn't appeal to me.

[00:06:25] You know, and then I leave church and they're throwing rocks and all sorts of weird shit at

[00:06:29] me.

[00:06:29] Like, so I stopped going about at 12.

[00:06:32] I'm like, fuck this shit.

[00:06:34] Did you say that to the bishop?

[00:06:37] Talk about a risky move.

[00:06:41] And then at home, my dad, he has mental issues, OCD, very high anxiety, and a fucking short

[00:06:49] temper.

[00:06:50] So there wasn't a safe place at school, at church, at home.

[00:06:53] Like, it just all was a cocktail of bullshit.

[00:06:57] You really actually articulated that very clearly.

[00:07:01] So it's essentially church isn't safe, school isn't safe, home isn't safe.

[00:07:05] And that's probably about 95% of your life, I'm guessing, right?

[00:07:09] Yep.

[00:07:10] And no one to talk to.

[00:07:11] But I had one friend growing up, and that's about it.

[00:07:15] Mormon?

[00:07:15] Yeah.

[00:07:16] But he, their family was, they didn't go to church, but technically, yeah.

[00:07:21] He didn't get bullied quite as bad as me, but occasionally, but.

[00:07:25] What's the dynamic, at least at your school?

[00:07:27] I'm not asking you to speak for every school, of course.

[00:07:30] Like, is there like a kind of hierarchy where you were, like Mormons are above or below?

[00:07:34] Are they more likely or less likely?

[00:07:36] I'm pretty sure they're not more likely to do the bullying, although I might be wrong

[00:07:39] about that.

[00:07:40] Like, I would say 80 to 90% were probably Mormon.

[00:07:44] I don't feel like it contributed to the bullying itself, other than they, if they were in my,

[00:07:50] the church I went to, they knew stuff, or they spent more time with me, so they felt more

[00:07:55] comfortable giving me shit all the time.

[00:07:58] Hmm.

[00:07:58] Do you ever want to just take a bat and crush it over their fucking heads?

[00:08:01] You have no idea.

[00:08:03] No, I want to know.

[00:08:04] I want to know.

[00:08:05] No.

[00:08:06] Yeah, it got bad.

[00:08:07] What did you dream about or fantasize about?

[00:08:10] We can cut it if you don't want to, but I'm just really curious.

[00:08:12] I wanted to, you know, school shooting shit for a small time.

[00:08:18] Yeah.

[00:08:19] Okay.

[00:08:20] And remember, I'm going to send this to you so you can cut what you want.

[00:08:22] I tend to leave shit in.

[00:08:24] You know, you're going to talk about, if you would, you tried to hang yourself, which I'm

[00:08:28] going to leave in the podcast, because that's a real thing that happened.

[00:08:32] Not particularly uncommon.

[00:08:33] That's one of the reasons I want to leave it in.

[00:08:35] There are people out there who try to hang themselves, like you.

[00:08:38] And you were 16.

[00:08:39] You're dealing with all this shit.

[00:08:40] What happens?

[00:08:41] Like, I know it's going back some time, but is it something that happened that particular

[00:08:44] day or night that sort of sent you over the proverbial edge?

[00:08:47] Not that I recall.

[00:08:49] I was cutting for a time, and I'd go fucking upstairs, and then my arm would just be slashed

[00:08:55] to shit.

[00:08:56] My dad's right there, and he just shakes his head and walks out of the fucking room.

[00:09:01] And I see maybe I did that to, like, I need some help, obviously.

[00:09:07] You know, then my mom took me to a psychiatrist, right?

[00:09:11] She puts me on.

[00:09:13] Zoloft wants to drug test me also.

[00:09:15] She thinks, I said, I don't do drugs or alcohol or any of that shit.

[00:09:20] But she wanted me tested.

[00:09:22] She didn't fucking believe me, so I go and get tested.

[00:09:25] I fucking hate this Olaf.

[00:09:27] And I come back, and she's like, oh, well, maybe you have ADHD or something.

[00:09:32] I'll give you Ritalin.

[00:09:33] And I just told her, fuck that.

[00:09:36] And she's like, you know, do you think you're Jesus Christ or something?

[00:09:39] Like, she was so degrading to me that my whole faith in, you know, the healthcare system.

[00:09:48] Fuck that.

[00:09:49] And this is when you were how old?

[00:09:51] So this is 16.

[00:09:52] Yeah, this is a big year for you.

[00:09:54] Yeah.

[00:09:54] You used an interesting word there, which is faith, because it wasn't just faith in the healthcare

[00:09:58] industry.

[00:09:59] It was faith in the church and God.

[00:10:01] I just imagine, I'm not trying to pour fuel on fire here.

[00:10:04] And 16 is already a fucking hard year, like age for almost any human being, right?

[00:10:08] So you're adding all this stuff, huh?

[00:10:10] Not medicated.

[00:10:11] Not that you need it to be, but not medicated.

[00:10:12] Maybe it would have helped.

[00:10:13] Maybe not.

[00:10:14] Who the fuck knows?

[00:10:15] And you didn't have a lot of coping.

[00:10:16] How did you cope?

[00:10:17] You cut.

[00:10:17] I cut music all the time.

[00:10:20] Yeah.

[00:10:21] What was your favorite band back then?

[00:10:22] Marilyn Manson.

[00:10:24] You know.

[00:10:24] Oh, God.

[00:10:25] Mormon's Parents Dream.

[00:10:28] You probably heard some of them in the last year.

[00:10:30] Some people who were former Mormons.

[00:10:32] I remember Josiah in Utah.

[00:10:34] He's a banger.

[00:10:35] That reminds me.

[00:10:36] All right.

[00:10:36] So you were into hard stuff.

[00:10:38] One friend.

[00:10:39] Yeah.

[00:10:39] One friend.

[00:10:40] And one day at 16, you take a noose, a belt.

[00:10:43] So what I did, I came home from school and I'm sitting on my bed and I just fucking feel

[00:10:50] the world's just dark as fuck.

[00:10:53] I hated myself so bad.

[00:10:55] I believed all the bullies and I believed God.

[00:10:58] And I believed even my parents all fucking hated who I was inside and out.

[00:11:05] And I did too.

[00:11:06] So I get a tie, which is why it was just an attempt.

[00:11:11] Yeah.

[00:11:12] I go in my closet.

[00:11:13] I shut the door and I hang myself.

[00:11:16] I black out.

[00:11:17] Everything went white, not black necessarily.

[00:11:21] The pressure in my head, it was so bad, but I leaned into it because I'm like, I fucking

[00:11:26] deserve this shit.

[00:11:27] I hate who I am.

[00:11:30] And the tie ends up snappy because I'm just kneeling there with my weight on it.

[00:11:36] So it snaps.

[00:11:37] My head hits the wall.

[00:11:39] The hole in the wall is still there.

[00:11:40] And I get up and I'm just fucking drained.

[00:11:44] I'm exhausted.

[00:11:46] I just go to bed.

[00:11:47] Did you go to bed?

[00:11:48] I just went to bed.

[00:11:50] Yeah.

[00:11:50] Is it weird to have just tried to end your life and you're alive?

[00:11:53] I don't think so.

[00:11:54] Mm-hmm.

[00:11:55] Because it felt similar to the cutting.

[00:11:57] Like it was just more pain.

[00:11:59] Just a different way.

[00:12:01] I didn't care if I died or not.

[00:12:03] Like I wanted to, but you know, I'm still here.

[00:12:06] Big surprise.

[00:12:07] You know, it's just more fucking shit.

[00:12:09] So I just, I went to bed.

[00:12:12] Were you still going to church at that point?

[00:12:13] Or had you stopped?

[00:12:14] No, no.

[00:12:15] 12, I stopped going.

[00:12:17] Parents let you stop.

[00:12:18] Yeah.

[00:12:19] Yeah.

[00:12:19] They weren't super strict with it.

[00:12:22] Even themselves.

[00:12:24] Right.

[00:12:24] They're kind of half-ass mormons.

[00:12:26] Please let's use that for the memoir title.

[00:12:29] I know it's not the right one for you right now.

[00:12:32] Half-ass Mormon is genius.

[00:12:35] There we go.

[00:12:36] How do you know that the hole is still in the wall?

[00:12:38] Well, I visit there.

[00:12:39] They're still in the same house.

[00:12:41] Oh, your folks.

[00:12:41] Okay.

[00:12:42] Yeah.

[00:12:43] Do they know what happened that night?

[00:12:44] Don't.

[00:12:45] Does anybody know what happened that night?

[00:12:47] Yeah.

[00:12:48] I've told, I mean, even my girlfriend now knows my ex.

[00:12:52] Yeah.

[00:12:53] Yeah.

[00:12:53] I wouldn't be against them knowing.

[00:12:55] I just like, why bring it up now?

[00:12:58] You managed to finish high school?

[00:12:59] Yeah.

[00:13:00] My senior year, they put me in an alternative high school.

[00:13:04] So like 100 kids, troubled kids.

[00:13:07] And that was great.

[00:13:09] It was night and day compared to the fucking public school.

[00:13:13] So that helped me.

[00:13:14] That's cool.

[00:13:15] What did you do after that?

[00:13:16] I got a job, moved out, dated girls.

[00:13:19] Like everything blossomed after high school.

[00:13:23] After I got out of that fucking Bermuda Triangle shit of people just hating me everywhere.

[00:13:29] So I gained confidence.

[00:13:30] You said you're like not social in some situations.

[00:13:33] So you were, but you were social then or somewhat.

[00:13:36] I mean, and if you're going to date people, you have to have some level of social comfort, right?

[00:13:40] Yeah.

[00:13:41] And I made friends at work, but it would take like a year for me to, I guess, trust them.

[00:13:47] So it takes time for me to warm up to people.

[00:13:50] But yeah.

[00:13:51] Yeah.

[00:13:51] You just get on.

[00:13:52] I think dating sites were barely coming out then.

[00:13:57] Like MySpace, I'd meet some people.

[00:13:58] And you were in a different town in Utah?

[00:14:01] Yeah.

[00:14:02] Different town.

[00:14:03] Working, living, ideating, or was that kind of behind you at the time?

[00:14:06] That was all behind because then I started drinking.

[00:14:10] Oh.

[00:14:11] I had smoking and all that shit.

[00:14:13] So I numbed everything out.

[00:14:15] Right.

[00:14:16] I have all this confidence.

[00:14:17] Like everything seemed like.

[00:14:19] Good to go, baby.

[00:14:20] Good to go.

[00:14:21] Then I had a bad breakup and everything went to shit.

[00:14:24] And I think it's like a dependent problem I have.

[00:14:26] Hmm.

[00:14:28] And I found Jesus again.

[00:14:31] Hold up, Adam.

[00:14:32] Hold up.

[00:14:33] Before we get back to Jesus.

[00:14:35] All right.

[00:14:36] I'm almost sure you didn't go to therapy because I know how you feel about that.

[00:14:40] Yeah.

[00:14:40] No.

[00:14:41] I'm saying you should have.

[00:14:41] I'm just asking what happened.

[00:14:43] All right.

[00:14:43] And then bad breakup.

[00:14:45] Drinking and smoking was before, during, or after the breakup?

[00:14:49] During, yeah.

[00:14:50] Before and after, yeah.

[00:14:52] Okay.

[00:14:52] So that started to be something you did before even then.

[00:14:55] And the breakup makes things harder.

[00:14:56] What kind of booze are you drinking at the time?

[00:14:59] Oh, a lot of whiskey.

[00:15:01] Hard shit.

[00:15:02] And other stuff?

[00:15:03] Shrooms sometimes, but not very often.

[00:15:06] I did meth for about a month, but I fucking hated that shit.

[00:15:10] This could be a very different conversation if you never get off that stuff.

[00:15:14] Yeah.

[00:15:14] Those nice white teeth of yours probably wouldn't be so white.

[00:15:18] Sorry for our listeners if that got a little weird.

[00:15:21] But anyway, it sounds like you're in your late teens, early 20s when that starts happening.

[00:15:25] Yep.

[00:15:26] And then when do you go back to Jesus?

[00:15:28] I was 24.

[00:15:29] Back to Mormonism?

[00:15:30] Yeah, because it's all I knew, right?

[00:15:32] Yeah.

[00:15:33] Because I didn't know how to handle the pain.

[00:15:35] I didn't feel like cutting and all that shit anymore.

[00:15:37] The idea of a religion being like, here, we'll take care of you kind of thing appealed to me.

[00:15:45] So I did that, and then I got married not too long after.

[00:15:50] To a Mormon woman?

[00:15:51] Yep.

[00:15:51] And you had Mormon children?

[00:15:53] Yeah.

[00:15:53] She was a return missionary.

[00:15:55] She was top president of all the shit in that church.

[00:15:59] Were you ever not a half-assed Mormon in Mormon 2.0 for you?

[00:16:03] For about a year.

[00:16:04] And then I saw how fucking shitty it was.

[00:16:07] It was like high school again.

[00:16:09] Everyone's a fucking dick.

[00:16:10] And they expect so much out of you for nothing.

[00:16:13] Like, fuck this shit.

[00:16:15] That's a lot of religion right there, isn't it?

[00:16:17] Yeah, such a nightmare.

[00:16:20] Wait, so let me understand this.

[00:16:21] Let me understand this.

[00:16:22] This is fascinating.

[00:16:23] When you go back to religion, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, am I correct?

[00:16:27] Yeah.

[00:16:28] Okay.

[00:16:28] For a year, you go back in your own, which means you've stopped drinking.

[00:16:31] You've stopped smoking.

[00:16:33] You're not drinking coffee.

[00:16:35] No.

[00:16:36] You meet a girl.

[00:16:37] She is blonde, I'm imagining.

[00:16:39] She was, yeah.

[00:16:42] She's like the perfect Mormon.

[00:16:43] Yeah.

[00:16:44] I'm going to ask you a question that is highly inappropriate.

[00:16:47] Why did she pick you?

[00:16:48] Why did she pick you?

[00:16:50] Not because you're not a cool, nice, handsome guy.

[00:16:53] I figured she would have picked the Ken doll of pure Mormonism, who's always been Mormon,

[00:16:58] had the full two plus years abroad or wherever in the States too, doing the missionary.

[00:17:03] Massive Mormon family, right?

[00:17:05] Wouldn't you just think that's where she would go?

[00:17:07] Exactly.

[00:17:07] She even had a fucking list of all the things she needed.

[00:17:10] Return missionary was one.

[00:17:12] All that fucking shit.

[00:17:13] Red flags from the beginning, Adam.

[00:17:16] Right there.

[00:17:17] All right.

[00:17:17] Not the time.

[00:17:18] Too soon.

[00:17:19] But she falls for you.

[00:17:20] Yeah.

[00:17:20] She saw it, but she said she dated guys like that and they're fucking dicks.

[00:17:25] Yes.

[00:17:25] So I get up there.

[00:17:27] I'm in a singles ward and she sees that I'm honest, kind of like I am now.

[00:17:32] Like, yeah, I've been through some shit, but here I am now.

[00:17:36] And that appealed to her.

[00:17:37] So how much later do you, how much time goes by before you get married and then have children?

[00:17:41] From finding Jesus.

[00:17:44] So at 24.

[00:17:45] Yeah.

[00:17:46] And then I got married at 25.

[00:17:47] So it was a year from when I turned my life in that direction.

[00:17:51] And then I have kids, you know, every two years.

[00:17:55] Right after that.

[00:17:56] How many kids do you have?

[00:17:57] I have three kids.

[00:17:58] I feel they kept me alive, basically.

[00:18:02] I just absorbed myself in them.

[00:18:05] Like I fucking love my kids.

[00:18:07] You're a good dad.

[00:18:08] I try.

[00:18:09] I bet you do, man.

[00:18:11] So I've been diagnosed with bipolar.

[00:18:14] This is later.

[00:18:16] Bipolar anxiety, depression.

[00:18:19] And features of like borderline and, you know, this whole fucking list of shit.

[00:18:26] So I, during our marriage, I wanted to get away from my wife.

[00:18:32] I felt, you know, similar to when, you know, I attempted suicide was these worthless feelings.

[00:18:40] Like she's this high and mighty person in the church.

[00:18:44] And I'm like, they want me to clean the fucking church.

[00:18:46] That's my job.

[00:18:47] You know, I just, I just had to get away.

[00:18:50] I had to get away from this feeling, this pain.

[00:18:54] So I kept threatening divorce year after year.

[00:18:57] And we'd somehow make it, make it work until I'm like, I'm not going to church anymore.

[00:19:03] I barely went anyway.

[00:19:04] I worked all the time, but I'm like, I'm leaving the church and you can come with me or not.

[00:19:11] And she thought about it for a long time and she ended up leaving also.

[00:19:15] So she leaves and the kids leave too by default, right?

[00:19:19] Yep.

[00:19:19] Yeah.

[00:19:20] Our names, we wiped our names off their records and everything.

[00:19:23] So all the different heaven possibilities are no longer even a thing.

[00:19:27] No, I know a little bit, Adam.

[00:19:29] Don't fuck with this Jewish guy.

[00:19:34] I know a little bit of the Mormon world.

[00:19:37] I'm not knocking Mormonism, by the way.

[00:19:38] Don't send me a fucking email saying I'm ripping on your religion.

[00:19:41] I'm not.

[00:19:41] It's just every single Mormon I happen to talk to is a former Mormon and has a problem with

[00:19:46] the church.

[00:19:46] That's all.

[00:19:47] Okay.

[00:19:47] To each his or her own or their own.

[00:19:49] We got to be careful.

[00:19:50] 2020.

[00:19:52] Don't send me an email ripping on my pronoun uses either, people.

[00:19:56] Nobody actually sends me emails about shit like this.

[00:19:58] I just get all crazy.

[00:19:59] Your wife and your three children leave and you stay in Utah or at some point you make way

[00:20:04] to Texas.

[00:20:05] So we were in Idaho, not far from Utah.

[00:20:08] It's still BYU area.

[00:20:10] Very Mormon.

[00:20:11] And she's like, I can't be here because she was so involved in the church.

[00:20:17] All of our neighbors were like, what the hell is going on with this family?

[00:20:21] They all suddenly leave.

[00:20:22] And she's like, I can't take that.

[00:20:24] So we got to move out.

[00:20:25] So we sold the house and moved to Texas, which is like the Bible belt, which wasn't any better.

[00:20:32] You know?

[00:20:33] So you're in Texas and what happens there?

[00:20:35] Because I know we're getting into a really difficult time in Texas.

[00:20:39] Yeah.

[00:20:39] Texas was horrific.

[00:20:40] Neither of us were working.

[00:20:42] We had money from when we sold the house.

[00:20:45] So we were living off that and trying to start a business, which her business is pretty much

[00:20:50] tearing down the church.

[00:20:52] Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[00:20:53] So she was in the church and then her business became essentially tearing down the church.

[00:20:58] Is that monetizable?

[00:20:59] It can be if you're real lucky.

[00:21:02] Right, right, right, right, right, right.

[00:21:04] This is like influencer shit.

[00:21:06] Right.

[00:21:07] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:21:08] I just want to know what they're buying.

[00:21:09] Or if you get big enough as an influencer, it's just like ads or promotions or sponsorships.

[00:21:14] Okay.

[00:21:14] What was your work all these years, by the way?

[00:21:16] Did you do like one main thing?

[00:21:18] Mostly printing.

[00:21:19] Yeah.

[00:21:20] Oh.

[00:21:20] Bring a press and shit.

[00:21:22] That's interesting.

[00:21:22] I don't know how many people have done that.

[00:21:24] When does it get to the point when you return to Utah?

[00:21:26] What happens there?

[00:21:27] No, so I felt very isolated in Texas.

[00:21:31] She fucking hated my family because they're Mormon and she felt judged by them, right?

[00:21:37] So I couldn't even contact them.

[00:21:40] So it was just her and the kids and me.

[00:21:43] We knew nobody.

[00:21:44] We're not working, not socializing, nothing.

[00:21:47] So that's not a good headspace for me.

[00:21:50] It just fucked me up.

[00:21:51] We were in an argument and I have this panic attack.

[00:21:55] I'm like, you need to take me to the fucking hospital because I'm fucking losing it.

[00:22:00] And she wasn't home at the time.

[00:22:02] She was on the phone with me.

[00:22:03] So she comes, takes me to the hospital.

[00:22:07] I'm shaking.

[00:22:08] I'm crying.

[00:22:09] I'm like, I don't.

[00:22:10] I'm in a state.

[00:22:11] That's for sure.

[00:22:12] So they put those fucking sticky socks on me and take all my shit and put me in a room for three hours watching Spongebob.

[00:22:20] I don't know.

[00:22:21] Spongebob?

[00:22:22] Yeah.

[00:22:24] Why would they choose Spongebob?

[00:22:26] Exactly.

[00:22:27] Let me choose the fucking show.

[00:22:28] Maybe you wanted to watch sports.

[00:22:30] Maybe you wanted to watch a nature channel.

[00:22:32] Why the fuck?

[00:22:32] Who knows?

[00:22:34] You love those.

[00:22:35] I've had the experience of wearing those socks with the white rubber on the bottom twice.

[00:22:39] Comfy, right?

[00:22:40] Yeah.

[00:22:41] Real comfy.

[00:22:42] Nice and fuzzy.

[00:22:43] What colors were yours, Adam?

[00:22:45] Blue.

[00:22:46] Yep.

[00:22:47] Me too.

[00:22:47] That's where you monetize shit.

[00:22:50] Forget this former Mormon influencer shit.

[00:22:53] Get in on the fuzzy blue with white rubber on the bottom sock.

[00:22:58] You're fucking billionaire.

[00:23:00] Wait.

[00:23:00] Mark my words.

[00:23:01] 2025.

[00:23:02] Go.

[00:23:02] Do it.

[00:23:03] Thank me later.

[00:23:04] How long were you there for?

[00:23:06] Well, they asked if I was going to hurt myself and shit.

[00:23:09] And I said, I don't know.

[00:23:11] Because I didn't want to go home with her because we were arguing and having our struggles.

[00:23:16] But I ended up saying, no, I'm fine.

[00:23:20] Yeah.

[00:23:20] And I left.

[00:23:21] I get in the car.

[00:23:22] And she turns to me and she says, you didn't need to do all that.

[00:23:26] And that fucked me up.

[00:23:28] And that's when I knew I had to, I can't be with this woman anymore.

[00:23:33] To when someone's in a crisis.

[00:23:35] That's what you're going to fucking say.

[00:23:38] You get violent at all?

[00:23:39] No, never violent.

[00:23:40] And that's when she took me to someone to diagnose me.

[00:23:44] Because she's like, there's something wrong with you.

[00:23:47] And that's when I got all those diagnoses.

[00:23:51] The ones you mentioned earlier?

[00:23:52] Yeah.

[00:23:52] Wait, that was from one meeting?

[00:23:55] All those diagnoses?

[00:23:56] Yes, sir.

[00:23:57] And the bipolar is her idea.

[00:24:00] Wait, was this someone through the church?

[00:24:02] Tell me now.

[00:24:03] No, no, no.

[00:24:03] This is like an independent?

[00:24:05] Yeah.

[00:24:06] Down in Houston, yeah.

[00:24:07] Your wife or ex-wife should not be diagnosing you.

[00:24:10] Is that fair to say?

[00:24:11] That's fair to say.

[00:24:12] She says it as fact.

[00:24:14] And I don't know.

[00:24:15] Well, I could be wrong.

[00:24:16] Is she in the mental health field?

[00:24:18] Nope.

[00:24:19] Nope.

[00:24:19] She was a nurse, but not in that way.

[00:24:23] Probably not qualifying, but I'm sure she has a lot to say about it.

[00:24:27] You think she'll hear this podcast episode when it comes out?

[00:24:29] I doubt it.

[00:24:30] I doubt it.

[00:24:31] You don't think she's looking for stuff with the word suicide in it somewhere online?

[00:24:34] I don't think so.

[00:24:35] No?

[00:24:37] You were done.

[00:24:38] So you start drinking in Texas?

[00:24:39] I started drinking a lot more.

[00:24:43] Wow.

[00:24:44] I got to drink a little bit since we left the church, you know, two or three years prior

[00:24:49] or so.

[00:24:49] But I started, I was just, I need to numb this shit out.

[00:24:53] And then she's like, I don't like you drinking that much.

[00:24:57] And it was my only coping, so I fucking left.

[00:25:01] I fucking left.

[00:25:02] Went to my sister's.

[00:25:04] My kids fucking hate me.

[00:25:05] She hates me.

[00:25:07] We get divorced.

[00:25:08] Kids won't talk to me.

[00:25:09] And we were tight, like, so I just lost everybody all at once.

[00:25:15] When was that, Adam?

[00:25:16] That was April this year.

[00:25:19] I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's the kids that are killing you.

[00:25:23] Yep.

[00:25:24] The wife, much less so.

[00:25:26] You got how many, is it a boy, two girls?

[00:25:28] Two boys, one girl in the middle.

[00:25:30] Let me ask you a weird question.

[00:25:31] No matter how I frame it, it's going to sound slightly judgmental, but I promise you it's

[00:25:35] not.

[00:25:35] You want to, you love being a dad.

[00:25:37] I want to frame this in a way where it doesn't sound weird, but like, why don't you stay

[00:25:41] in Texas?

[00:25:42] The abuse I felt from her, I couldn't handle it.

[00:25:46] I would have actually thought of suicide there, but I'm like, I don't want my kids fucking

[00:25:52] fighting me.

[00:25:53] Gotta get out.

[00:25:54] Gotta get out.

[00:25:55] Where's your sister in Utah?

[00:25:56] Yeah, she's in Utah.

[00:25:58] Is that where you are now?

[00:25:59] Yeah.

[00:26:00] I don't live with her now.

[00:26:01] I live with my lady friend.

[00:26:03] Oh, you got a new girl?

[00:26:05] Yeah.

[00:26:05] Yeah.

[00:26:06] A couple months ago.

[00:26:07] You made her online?

[00:26:08] Yeah.

[00:26:09] You're a bit of a fucking Romeo is what I think.

[00:26:13] She's supportive of what you're going through?

[00:26:14] Does she know or is this like a little bit of a secret?

[00:26:16] She knows everything.

[00:26:17] You're not good at keeping these types of secrets, I don't think.

[00:26:20] No.

[00:26:20] You think it's on your face.

[00:26:21] It's everywhere.

[00:26:22] You can't hide it.

[00:26:24] No.

[00:26:24] No way.

[00:26:25] No way.

[00:26:26] She's keeping me alive.

[00:26:27] That's what I say.

[00:26:28] I hope she hears this.

[00:26:29] Yeah, she wants to.

[00:26:30] Does she know we're talking?

[00:26:32] Yes, sir.

[00:26:33] Is she like in the other room right now?

[00:26:34] She can hear you?

[00:26:35] She's at work.

[00:27:06] Sure.

[00:27:07] I gave her the kids.

[00:27:08] I gave her everything because nobody fucking wants to see me, so why not?

[00:27:14] Yeah.

[00:27:15] God.

[00:27:16] And you don't get a say in anything.

[00:27:18] You don't get to tell your side of things.

[00:27:21] No.

[00:27:22] That would drive someone fucking mad, man.

[00:27:24] Yeah.

[00:27:24] I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know or are going through every single

[00:27:28] day all the time.

[00:27:30] I mean, you look for a podcast with the word suicide in it recently.

[00:27:33] Yep.

[00:27:34] So you weren't just suicidal at 16 or in Texas, but are you now?

[00:27:39] How would you characterize it now?

[00:27:41] So when I first moved with my sister, it was horrific.

[00:27:45] I would look in the room she had for me, looking for a way to fucking hang myself again.

[00:27:51] That's just my method.

[00:27:52] Fuck all the other ones in my mind.

[00:27:54] Because I know it will work for me, but I couldn't.

[00:27:57] It was just...

[00:27:58] So I just drank.

[00:27:59] I just kept drinking and drinking.

[00:28:01] I hurried and found a job because I still need to support the kids and everybody.

[00:28:05] And I'd just come home, drink, go to work, come home, drink.

[00:28:09] That's all.

[00:28:10] You say like come home, drink.

[00:28:11] You mean walk in the door, drink, drink all night, pass out?

[00:28:15] Yes.

[00:28:16] Yep.

[00:28:17] Whiskey?

[00:28:18] Vodka.

[00:28:19] Okay.

[00:28:19] So you go for the hard stuff?

[00:28:21] Yeah.

[00:28:22] You're not fucking around?

[00:28:24] Mm-hmm.

[00:28:24] You're not even a half-ass Mormon, bro.

[00:28:28] Sorry.

[00:28:29] I mean, I think highly of you, but when you're talking about Mormonism, you're bailing back.

[00:28:34] Yeah.

[00:28:34] Yeah.

[00:28:35] Can we agree on that?

[00:28:36] We can.

[00:28:37] Yep.

[00:28:37] That's a choice you're making.

[00:28:38] You're okay with it, right?

[00:28:39] Yeah.

[00:28:40] You don't want to be Mormon?

[00:28:41] No, I'm not Mormon anymore.

[00:28:43] Could you go back maybe?

[00:28:44] I would have to be baptized in their church all over again and everything.

[00:28:49] You know, like you.

[00:28:50] I'm saying if they came to you, I would have to do the same things you would have to do.

[00:28:56] It's that tattoo.

[00:28:57] Where'd you get that tattoo on your arm?

[00:28:58] That's a panther.

[00:28:59] Yeah.

[00:28:59] You got it.

[00:29:00] 19.

[00:29:01] Oh, wow.

[00:29:02] And this one, 20 and 21.

[00:29:04] Between the storm.

[00:29:05] Let's call that between the storm.

[00:29:06] And so today, are you, do you think about it fairly often?

[00:29:11] And killing yourself and in your life?

[00:29:12] Last month was really bad.

[00:29:14] I'm just, I numb myself so much.

[00:29:17] Which I think that keeps me at bay.

[00:29:20] We're talking about booze mostly?

[00:29:22] Yeah.

[00:29:23] Did you drink before we talked today?

[00:29:25] Calm down a little bit.

[00:29:26] What do you got in there?

[00:29:27] Oh, you tricked me.

[00:29:28] I thought, oh, you're sipping on fucking water.

[00:29:30] You're not sipping on fucking water.

[00:29:32] Don't treat me for a fool.

[00:29:35] You got, what do you got?

[00:29:36] Some like, you got some vodka with some ice?

[00:29:38] This is, yeah, this is some rum.

[00:29:40] Oh.

[00:29:40] And I'm only saying this because I've been there and kind of am there-ish.

[00:29:45] Like, do you do it where as you're drinking more and more, you're going to get the cheaper

[00:29:49] stuff, the bigger bottle, the cheaper stuff, the bigger bottle, and you end up being in

[00:29:52] these like giant bottles of like crap.

[00:29:53] Is that what you do?

[00:29:55] No, because I fucking hate those hangovers.

[00:29:57] So I can't do that.

[00:29:58] I just save my money for it, I guess.

[00:30:02] Well, that makes sense.

[00:30:03] Yeah.

[00:30:03] Yeah.

[00:30:04] If you said this earlier, I apologize.

[00:30:05] But like, I know you heard the podcast and I know you binged some of it, but what was

[00:30:10] the reason why, again, that you wanted to talk with me?

[00:30:12] And like, and again, it's not just me, but like, you know, it kind of gets amplified.

[00:30:16] I believe in the work you're doing.

[00:30:19] Like, it means a lot to me.

[00:30:20] And I felt it would be a disservice if I didn't, considering my, how I've lived my life, right?

[00:30:28] And all these other people are coming on, you know, very vulnerable.

[00:30:32] And, you know, even though I don't do this type of thing, you know, I can be vulnerable

[00:30:37] to and contribute.

[00:30:40] I really, I mean, I always appreciate everybody who joins me here, but I can tell this is not

[00:30:45] necessarily your sweet spot.

[00:30:46] I'm pretty sure there's a lot of other things you'd rather be doing.

[00:30:50] So I'd really do a pre-food.

[00:30:51] So your partner knows we're talking, anyone else?

[00:30:54] Another friend of mine does.

[00:30:55] Yeah.

[00:30:56] You still talk to that friend of yours from, from high school?

[00:30:59] Oh.

[00:30:59] And your only stay in the hospital was the one you talked about with SpongeBob?

[00:31:02] Yes, sir.

[00:31:04] Which was not, you didn't spend the night, right?

[00:31:06] No.

[00:31:06] Did they let you keep the socks?

[00:31:08] Unfortunately, no.

[00:31:10] Really?

[00:31:10] I kept mine, motherfucker.

[00:31:12] Did you?

[00:31:12] Oh, a souvenir.

[00:31:13] Yeah.

[00:31:13] I don't even, I think they're done now, but hell yeah.

[00:31:16] I used to wear them out.

[00:31:17] I used to wear them out.

[00:31:19] Oh, damn.

[00:31:20] I don't know why.

[00:31:21] Don't ask me.

[00:31:21] It felt like a cool secret.

[00:31:23] How many people do you have to talk to about this stuff?

[00:31:25] So current ideation would be zero, which I think is part of why, also part of why I reached

[00:31:33] out.

[00:31:33] Just to tell to somebody.

[00:31:36] And everyone knows I'm fucking going through it.

[00:31:38] And they wouldn't be surprised if I did kill myself because of what happened and everything.

[00:31:44] If you could go back in time somehow to the closet at 16 with the tie, would you go back

[00:31:52] and it would have worked?

[00:31:53] I mean, you wouldn't have to deal with all this shit.

[00:31:55] You also wouldn't have your children.

[00:31:57] Yeah.

[00:31:58] Part of me does.

[00:31:59] Yeah.

[00:31:59] A big part of me does.

[00:32:00] A small part is like, yeah, I've learned some shit.

[00:32:04] Mm-hmm.

[00:32:05] And yeah, my kids.

[00:32:06] And I've met some great people.

[00:32:09] But currently, I wish shit would have.

[00:32:13] Yeah.

[00:32:13] Mm-hmm.

[00:32:14] Do you think any of those diagnoses are accurate?

[00:32:17] Do you have any idea?

[00:32:18] I know I'm fucked up in the head.

[00:32:21] I just don't know what it is.

[00:32:23] So kind of and kind of not.

[00:32:25] Not to be weird about it, but I really think that should be a legit diagnosis.

[00:32:29] Fucked up in the head.

[00:32:30] F-I-T-H syndrome disorder.

[00:32:34] I'm ready to get angry emo from that one too.

[00:32:37] I'm ready to get some pissed off psychologists saying, how dare you mock?

[00:32:41] I'm not mocking anything, right?

[00:32:43] Me and Adam are just having a fucking conversation and we're having some fun with it.

[00:32:47] Jesus.

[00:32:49] So you drink.

[00:32:50] Does anything else?

[00:32:50] I mean, that helps.

[00:32:52] Drinking helps.

[00:32:52] So you wouldn't do it.

[00:32:53] Right?

[00:32:54] That's what some people just don't understand.

[00:32:56] It's like, there's a reason you drink.

[00:32:59] Alcoholics get it.

[00:33:00] Are you an alcoholic, you think?

[00:33:00] I don't know.

[00:33:02] I did go to AA one time.

[00:33:05] And I'm like, I don't know.

[00:33:06] These guys seem to be in a place.

[00:33:09] I'm not quiet.

[00:33:10] So I don't know.

[00:33:12] Does anything else help?

[00:33:13] I mean, my lady helps.

[00:33:16] I look forward to spending time with her.

[00:33:18] But the world's very, there's no color to it anymore.

[00:33:22] Like, I don't give a fucking shit about a sunset anymore.

[00:33:25] But yeah, those two things keep me going for now.

[00:33:29] Does she drink?

[00:33:30] She does, yeah.

[00:33:31] Not as much.

[00:33:32] And when's your birthday?

[00:33:34] August.

[00:33:35] Maybe 39?

[00:33:36] 39, yeah.

[00:33:38] How do you feel about that?

[00:33:39] Nothing.

[00:33:41] I don't feel anything about it.

[00:33:43] Do you think, given what you've gone through with having tried once and having, you know,

[00:33:48] you've been struggling for a long time.

[00:33:49] If you've heard the podcast, you know I ask about myths or misconceptions.

[00:33:53] It could be about really anything.

[00:33:55] I mean, I typically say about suicide or ideating or certain, like maybe a mental health condition.

[00:34:00] But it could be about drinking.

[00:34:01] It could be about family.

[00:34:03] Like, is there anything you want?

[00:34:04] Because, you know, there are other people out there.

[00:34:06] And I know there's a lot of them.

[00:34:07] And they're sitting home alone.

[00:34:08] And maybe they're drinking and maybe they're not.

[00:34:10] And some of your stories overlap.

[00:34:11] And they hear people.

[00:34:13] And I'd like to believe it helps them a little bit when they hear the truth.

[00:34:16] So is there anything else you want to kind of call bullshit on?

[00:34:19] I do.

[00:34:19] And it has to do with religion.

[00:34:22] The belief in that a god is going to throw somebody suffering this much in a fucking pit

[00:34:30] of fire.

[00:34:30] Fuck that shit.

[00:34:32] Fuck that god.

[00:34:33] Like, who would believe that shit?

[00:34:35] When there's people, let's take you.

[00:34:38] Like, who has compassion and, you know, empathy for people going through this.

[00:34:43] Why wouldn't there be a god like that?

[00:34:45] If not even greater, you know, fuck that shit.

[00:34:50] That's all I have to say.

[00:34:51] It's very clear.

[00:34:53] Did you just call me god?

[00:34:55] Similar to god.

[00:34:57] Just playing.

[00:34:58] I'm just playing.

[00:34:59] I'm just a bald motherfucker in North Carolina.

[00:35:02] So let's say this.

[00:35:03] 39.

[00:35:04] Let's do it now.

[00:35:05] Let's do the pink and purple pill because it's essentially the same idea as are you going

[00:35:08] to make it to 39?

[00:35:09] Do you think you'll make it to 40?

[00:35:11] I know you don't know.

[00:35:12] But if you've heard the podcast, and I'm going to say it repeated again for the people who

[00:35:16] maybe are new to this.

[00:35:17] I ask a question about a pink and purple pill.

[00:35:20] The color doesn't matter.

[00:35:21] It's my choice because it's my podcast.

[00:35:23] And I give this pill to Adam and he takes it magically through Zoom.

[00:35:27] He ingests it.

[00:35:27] He goes to sleep.

[00:35:28] He can wash it down with alcohol or not.

[00:35:30] It's his choice.

[00:35:32] And he dies peacefully.

[00:35:34] I guess I always say peacefully.

[00:35:36] If someone wants to die non-peacefully, they can.

[00:35:39] But most people go with the peaceful route.

[00:35:40] In addition to that, I usually say no one knows it's a suicide, though you have the

[00:35:43] option if you want people to know it's a suicide.

[00:35:46] What would you do with the pill right now?

[00:35:47] I would keep it for now.

[00:35:49] Yeah.

[00:35:50] I would definitely take it, but maybe not right now.

[00:35:52] Yeah.

[00:35:53] Would you tell your partner that you have the pill somewhere?

[00:35:56] Good question.

[00:35:57] I don't think I would, but she's going to know now.

[00:36:00] Who knows how long podcasts will even be a thing?

[00:36:04] We're talking December 24.

[00:36:06] Will this be around in 50 fucking years?

[00:36:08] Who knows?

[00:36:09] Is that crazy?

[00:36:10] That is.

[00:36:11] I always think I can't stop the podcast, and I don't have any intentions of doing that.

[00:36:16] But even if I did, unless something goes really wonky with Apple and Spotify or whatever,

[00:36:21] I don't know how that'll work in the future, but they're just going to be there.

[00:36:24] I find podcast episodes or podcasts that haven't put a new episode out in 10 years,

[00:36:28] they're out there, I think.

[00:36:29] It's wild, yeah.

[00:36:31] It can be destroyed.

[00:36:32] There'll be a day when every single one of my guests, regardless of how they died,

[00:36:36] will be dead, and maybe people will hear these conversations.

[00:36:38] I guess when you're God, you can pull shit like that off, right?

[00:36:42] Yes, you can.

[00:36:45] Shut up, Sean.

[00:36:46] Too much talking.

[00:36:48] Have we gotten to the point where we're discussing your memoir title?

[00:36:51] Is this where we're at?

[00:36:52] I think so, yeah.

[00:36:53] I'm not saying half-assed Mormon needs to be in it, but I really do like that as a working

[00:36:57] starting point, okay?

[00:36:58] Yeah, I feel you.

[00:36:59] Do you feel it?

[00:37:00] Yeah.

[00:37:01] Does anything else sort of resonate with you?

[00:37:03] Any other ideas, words, anything come to mind?

[00:37:07] No, and not surprisingly.

[00:37:09] If you took that pill, because you said you would wait to take it, but it sounds like you

[00:37:14] would take it.

[00:37:15] Don't let the colors affect this answer, please, if you can.

[00:37:18] What flavor would it be?

[00:37:20] Mm-hmm.

[00:37:21] Your last taste of anything.

[00:37:23] If you fucking say vodka or whiskey, I'm going to laugh.

[00:37:26] I thought about it.

[00:37:28] I would say something spicy, yeah.

[00:37:31] Mm-hmm.

[00:37:32] Yeah, a pepper of some kind.

[00:37:34] Prep me for fucking burning in hell, yeah.

[00:37:37] Oh, you think you're going to hell?

[00:37:38] No, but some people would.

[00:37:40] Some people you know would.

[00:37:42] Yeah, yeah.

[00:37:43] Isn't it bad enough to be in hell, but you have to also be burning in hell?

[00:37:47] Yeah.

[00:37:49] Like, hell sucks.

[00:37:51] Oh, by the way, it's not just hell.

[00:37:53] You're going to be burning there.

[00:37:54] But if you're burning there, here's what, like, it's another thing that doesn't make sense.

[00:37:57] If you're burning, then you disintegrate.

[00:37:59] But you don't, because it's like a different dimension.

[00:38:02] So you just could be consistently always burning.

[00:38:04] And if you've ever been burning, and you've ever, like, lit any part of your body, and

[00:38:08] it's been on fire for more than, like, a tenth of a second, it is beyond painful.

[00:38:11] This is what people say is going to happen to people if they sin.

[00:38:16] Yep, exactly.

[00:38:17] As if they're not suffering enough, let's just add to it.

[00:38:22] Overkill.

[00:38:23] Yeah, fucking burn them.

[00:38:24] Half-assed humans is what they are.

[00:38:26] Yeah, I agree.

[00:38:27] I kind of ask the questions I want to ask.

[00:38:30] And these conversations tend to move around in different directions.

[00:38:34] Everybody's different.

[00:38:35] But as you looked over the questions, or as you were thinking about this conversation,

[00:38:39] were there other things that kind of came up that you wanted to either get off your chest

[00:38:43] or talk about or whatever the case may be?

[00:38:46] Yeah.

[00:38:46] One thing I wanted to mention when I was being bullied at school, the same kids bullied

[00:38:53] someone else and they hung themselves with their belt and died.

[00:38:56] It was no fucking shit.

[00:38:59] And then after that, it's like they didn't even feel bad.

[00:39:02] They just keep bullying other people.

[00:39:03] What is this?

[00:39:04] You know?

[00:39:05] What is this world?

[00:39:06] You're not going to like this question, Adam.

[00:39:08] You are not going to like it.

[00:39:09] In the very unlikely event, somebody hears this that you know that is in your partner

[00:39:15] because you're going to share it with her, I think.

[00:39:17] Yeah.

[00:39:18] Whether these people stumble upon it, which I think is very, very unlikely,

[00:39:22] or perhaps you let them know in some way at some point.

[00:39:25] Is there anything you want to say to any of them, one or more, that maybe you wouldn't

[00:39:30] have the chance to or wouldn't be comfortable sharing kind of like on a phone

[00:39:33] or on a messenger or, but you have this little platform for a moment that you'd want them

[00:39:38] to hear.

[00:39:38] And that could also extend out to strangers and wherever they hear this all over the world.

[00:39:42] Yeah.

[00:39:43] I feel nobody fucking knows somebody else's brain.

[00:39:48] They don't know what they're going through.

[00:39:49] It's kind of like, you don't know until you walked in their shoes and shit.

[00:39:53] So I don't understand any, all the judgment, any judgment.

[00:39:57] Really?

[00:39:57] I don't understand the fucking judgment.

[00:39:59] Just like those fucking bullies.

[00:40:01] Yeah.

[00:40:01] They'd probably gone through shit.

[00:40:03] I don't wish anything horrible upon them now, but man, they can do some damage.

[00:40:10] That's not right.

[00:40:11] And I want to say, you know, I like what you're doing because we're becoming a collective of

[00:40:17] sorts.

[00:40:18] You know, we're in it together.

[00:40:20] You know, whether we die or not, like our experiences are similar and we need each other

[00:40:26] really to not, like you say, not feel alone.

[00:40:29] What is the rest of your day?

[00:40:31] Like, is it two 15 or three 15 there now?

[00:40:34] It's three 15.

[00:40:35] Yeah.

[00:40:35] So what time does your, or sometimes your lady get home?

[00:40:39] Yeah.

[00:40:39] Four.

[00:40:40] All right.

[00:40:41] So you're going to hang.

[00:40:42] Yep.

[00:40:42] Pick up her kids.

[00:40:44] Just chill.

[00:40:44] I guess.

[00:40:45] Do you have a decent connection with the kids?

[00:40:47] Oh yeah.

[00:40:47] They're, they're sweet.

[00:40:48] They're already putting me up on the fridge and shit.

[00:40:51] Oh, okay.

[00:40:53] This is happening fast, bro.

[00:40:54] It is.

[00:40:55] It's, it's mind blowing.

[00:40:56] But ladies are loving Adam.

[00:40:58] They loving you.

[00:41:00] I don't know if God made you or something else did, but does he can't, you can't fight

[00:41:04] it.

[00:41:05] If you got it.

[00:41:06] Really appreciate you talking with me, Adam.

[00:41:08] Uh, I've enjoyed it a lot.

[00:41:10] I appreciate that.

[00:41:11] Yeah, ma'am.

[00:41:12] Anything else you want to talk about before we get back to our, uh, really colorful lives?

[00:41:18] You're a colorful life.

[00:41:20] Yeah.

[00:41:20] Thanks, man.

[00:41:21] No, I'm good.

[00:41:22] Appreciate you talking, man.

[00:41:24] I appreciate you.

[00:41:25] Hope your day doesn't suck.

[00:41:27] Thanks.

[00:41:28] Appreciate it, man.

[00:41:29] Talk to you soon.

[00:41:31] As always, thanks so much for listening and all of your support.

[00:41:34] Special thanks to Adam in Utah.

[00:41:36] Thanks, Adam.

[00:41:37] If you are a suicide attempt survivor and you'd like to talk, please reach out.

[00:41:40] Hello at suicidenoted.com.

[00:41:44] You can check the show notes to learn more about this podcast, including our membership,

[00:41:49] the Noted Network, how you can leave us an audio message and all kinds of other cool

[00:41:55] things.

[00:41:55] I hope you check that out if you are curious and leave us a review on Apple or Spotify if

[00:42:02] you're feeling kind.

[00:42:04] And that is all for episode number 246.

[00:42:06] Stay strong.

[00:42:07] Do the best you can.

[00:42:09] I'll talk to you soon.